Unattractive (physically) beating out the attractive (mentally)

[Dougie_D]

Okay... so everyone knows that there has to be some sort of attraction. Everyone kinda knows what an attractive male/female is.. yes, everyone has "preferences" but you absolutely rank people based on some sort of physical attribute.

 

My question is...

 

If you are not physically attractive to someone, how EXACTLY does this person overcome the physical part you desired?

 

A man/woman approaches you, but you just are not feeling it physically (because you KNOW NOTHING except for their physical appearance).. and you strike a conversation.

 

What are some things this person says, does, acts, etc.. that takes away the fact the you just aren't into him/her? How does someone OVERCOME the fact that you are not attracted to them physically?

 

And just for clarification..this has to be the FIRST time you meet someone and possibly the last. I know if you continue to meet someone (co-worker, schoolmate, etc..) you can get to know someone better and possibly gain that attraction..

 

But when someone you meet (SMALL TALK).. and you aren't physically attractive to them... can this person really BECOME attractive OVERNIGHT?

 

Are there certain TOPICS, or TRICKS, STORIES, to say to be an instant attractive person (mentally?)

[Batya33]

If while we are talking he seems to sparkle, have a good sense of humor, compatible with mine, intelligent, intelligent things to say/ask, then, unless I found the person repulsive or unclean, etc I might feel more interest (i.e. when I was single). One of my most serious relationships was with a guy who many would have found physically unattractive. On our first date -a one-two hour dinner- I noticed his physical flaws but he just sparkled! I remember telling my mother that I just "had to" see him again.

[Fudgie]

This goes for both men and women: you have to bring something(s) to the table. If you aren't that attractive physically, then you have to make up for it in other ways. Like being intelligent, funny, charming, a genuinely good hearted person, generous, a fair bit of money, etc. There is no magic trick or story.

[dias]

Okay... so everyone knows that there has to be some sort of attraction. Everyone kinda knows what an attractive male/female is.. yes, everyone has "preferences" but you absolutely rank people based on some sort of physical attribute.

 

My question is...

 

If you are not physically attractive to someone, how EXACTLY does this person overcome the physical part you desired?

 

A man/woman approaches you, but you just are not feeling it physically (because you KNOW NOTHING except for their physical appearance).. and you strike a conversation.

 

What are some things this person says, does, acts, etc.. that takes away the fact the you just aren't into him/her? How does someone OVERCOME the fact that you are not attracted to them physically?

 

And just for clarification..this has to be the FIRST time you meet someone and possibly the last. I know if you continue to meet someone (co-worker, schoolmate, etc..) you can get to know someone better and possibly gain that attraction..

 

But when someone you meet (SMALL TALK).. and you aren't physically attractive to them... can this person really BECOME attractive OVERNIGHT?

 

Are there certain TOPICS, or TRICKS, STORIES, to say to be an instant attractive person (mentally?)

No way . Time is indispensable in this situation.

[jimmyh]

Everyone kinda knows what an attractive male/female is.. yes, everyone has "preferences" but you absolutely rank people based on some sort of physical attribute.

 

In all honesty, I used to do that a lot. I noticed, however, that it is just the brain doing statistics the wrong way. Basically, we see a lot of beautiful people on TV, on the internet, in magazines. We like their smiling faces and seemingly perfect bodies and we end up thinking they are also good people. But, we really don't know them. To be able to correlate physical attributes with psychological traits, we should really know those people personally. I'll tell you a story. I was at a conference and I met by accident a woman. I remember having seen her before, but I didn't think much of her. On my physical beauty scale, she was average. Somehow we ended up talking and about five minutes later I felt attracted to her. During that conference we spent all the time together. Even now, I think we could have had a great relationship. The thing that I think created the attraction between us, "the spark", was her attitude towards me. Why was she so nice, I don't know, but she was, and all of the sudden she climbed up really high in my beauty charts.

 

To go back to statistics, I'm forcing myself to avoid this "beauty bias". If it is about relationships you do have to take into account all the factors. If you are careful, and you kiss the right frog, you will end up with a princess.

[Andrina]

If a person is confident, positive, genuine, fun, interested in what you have to say, and compliments you, they will usually be seen by others as a little more attractive than they actually are. Just as an attractive person with negative traits will look less attractive in ones eyes.

 

As for me, I've dated men skinnier or chubbier than what was my ideal, but I always have to find something in their face that is so pleasing that I love to look at them.

[melancholy123]

Overnight? Cant be done! It doesnt work that way. You have to take the time to get to know the person.

[James516]

Your questions are very naive to me especially at your listed age. There is no magic formula for attraction and definitely no "tricks." Usually in the infatuation stage, a lot of people are caught up in who they think the person is or looks, rather than who that person really is. Reality, in that situation, will happen soon enough. I can't tell if you are asking about yourself - in that case for a guy meeting a woman it is helpful to be confident without arrogance, listening, finding something to connect about, keeping it light. Doing these things help, but don't assure anything. Especially if you approach an attractive woman for the first time, trust me, she has heard it all - don't float a bunch of cheesy flirtation lines.

 

If you are talking about women who you are not attracted to, they are called friends. As everyone knows - sometimes the more time you spend with someone, feelings can naturally develop.

 

Overall, I think people are too worried about appearing superficial by stating that looks are very important to them. It shouldn't be a problem to admit. Everyone has their preferences.

[ParisPaulette]

Be funny, be interesting, but that has to come from you. I've met people who tried the whole "story in a can" approach where I could tell they were simply mouthing words off a script and it was the biggest turn off no matter what they did or didn't look like.

 

Tip: one of the sexiest men I ever knew and dated for a time (total player, broke my heart) was a guy who looked like Black Jack, but was a chef going to school. He was funny, as in I was clutching my sides laughing funny within minutes of meeting him at a party. And then when I asked him what he did for a living he told me about chef school. He was animated about it, he was funny, it was really interesting because he was interested in the topic and sharing it with me.

 

Within 15 minutes of meeting the guy I was going to say yes if he asked me out and he did. And his enthusiasm for life just made everything fun, he was fun. He was also a total player who attracted women like mad, but that's another story for another day. He was also very curious about everyone and the world around him and you. When I was with him it was always felt like I was the only who mattered, that he wanted to teach and learn from me. P.S. My husband has a lot of the same qualities, so there you go. There's my type, smart, funny, passionate about what they do and interested in others and the world.

 

He's long in my past, but he was the guy who taught me it's what's on the inside that matters. So be passionate about something you really enjoy, and be interested in what others have to say and be interested in sharing your knowledge. Don't go in looking to "score," go in looking to learn something and share something from a fellow human being. And if you can make her life you might very well get that date.

[Moontiger]

There is no magical formula. You will notice that the advice you are getting in this thread is the exactly the same advice you have gotten in every thread you post.

[Hollyj]

You keep on posting the same topic, over and over. You seem obsessed!

 

It has little to do with attractiveness, but confidence and a positive personality. Not someone focusing on looks all the time.

 

Why don't you try to expand your life with new and different interests, this may make you feel more confident and be more interesting.

[tiredofvampires]

If a man is average looking or has some flaws that I'm not drawn to, his wit, warmth, sensitivity, intelligence, and other hard-to-define qualities could keep me interested. But if he were "unattractive" to me in a general sense, no -- not at a one-time event.

 

If you are restricting this to a one-time event, a man who doesn't appeal to me at all physically would not have a chance.

 

But as usual, attraction is like a magic potion, so once again you're trying to slice and dice up life into completely unnatural and artificial scenarios in order to answer questions that will reassure you, Dougie, that you have some new clue to make it work for you.

 

There is not ONE THEORETICAL QUESTION you can ask here that will help you because you wouldn't have any way (or desire) to implement any of the information, in your particular situation.

 

Give up the idea of going to places where a first impression is a last impression, and you might have a chance.

[TMifune]

At some point, you just need to accept that as a low-tier male, nobody in this word gives a crap about you, and women actively scorn you for asking how you can stop being a low-tier male. How dare you question your place in the hierarchy by, you know being a human being with emotional needs?

 

My only advice is look for women of character and hit any that care more about chemistry in the ass with the door on the way out.

[Moontiger]

The whole hierarchy thing is such a cop-out.

 

My dad, to put it nicely could never attract women with his look. He was short for his age in school, was the kid who constantly got beat up for his lunch money. One of these supposed "low ranking" males. Yet he married a woman much more physically attractive then him even after doing things like spilling wine on here on their first date.

 

How you ask? He has stuff to offer in terms of being a partner. When my mom meet him they were both highly educated, working, he had a greasy sense of humor etc.

 

So if you think looks are holding you back you have to ask what DOSE make you a good choice for another person to date? You've described your self as immature and that is a problem. The answer is the same answer everyone has given you: work on your self!

[TMifune]

When 80-90% of women select only the top 20% of men and feel deeply resentful of having to "settle" for anyone "lower" than that, the heirarchy is a very real thing. And we can tell guys to "work on themsevles" and some of them will have success, but ultimately the goalposts just move. Always the top 20%. Whatever the top is. Even if you shift the bell-curve up or down, that barrier is still there. If every guy got 100% "better" than they are now, the same 20% would still be the ones sought after.

[Moontiger]

I would love to see some scientific evidence for that since you are giving such specific numbers, I assume you can provide those sources.

[Hazyillusions]

Confidence and humour does go a long way. Be well rounded. Be passionate about your beliefs. Be sb that takes action and does not complain or dwell on their shortcomings. I guess that takes time to hone.

[tiredofvampires]

There is no consensus about who the "best" men or women are. Even if you listed qualities that nearly anyone would desire, there are the individual person-to-person differences that make up a personality that would be endearing to one person and intolerable to another. After you list a few qualities few people could argue with (intelligent, good conversationalist, funny, interesting), add in interests, values, habits, lifestyle, personal issues, life circumstances, and it gets messy and complicated. So no one is on the "top" or "bottom" anymore, it's kind of a free-for-all.

 

There are some men who would seem to have it all, and I wouldn't wish to date them because they are not my type of person.

 

This is one area that science and statistics fail us.

 

Of course, if you don't have a varied social circle and you keep going to places where people value things that you don't possess, where they are looking for specific molds that you don't fit, then you will strike out every time. This is what you're doing Dougie, so your results aren't so surprising.

[notalady]

The whole hierarchy thing is such a cop-out.

 

My dad, to put it nicely could never attract women with his look. He was short for his age in school, was the kid who constantly got beat up for his lunch money. One of these supposed "low ranking" males. Yet he married a woman much more physically attractive then him even after doing things like spilling wine on here on their first date.

 

How you ask? He has stuff to offer in terms of being a partner. When my mom meet him they were both highly educated, working, he had a greasy sense of humor etc.

 

So if you think looks are holding you back you have to ask what DOSE make you a good choice for another person to date? You've described your self as immature and that is a problem. The answer is the same answer everyone has given you: work on your self!

 

Agree with this. I know SO MANY unattractive guys with attractive wives (I'm not talking super model attractive, just your everyday woman kind of attractive). What they generally have in common, if we're talking things you'd notice on the first few dates, is their good sense of humour, intelligence, confidence and above all else, they seem happy with their own lives. Women see that and think, I want to be part of that, he seems fun to be around.

 

Most will still tell you today, 18 years of marriage later, he still makes her laugh everyday.

[Realitynut]

Humor. My bf...well...off and on bf. Short, fat, bald. I saw him 4 times in a social situation before he came up and said TWO words to me! It just caught me off guard and cracked me up. I remember my head swiveling and I saw him in a new light. We then became friends. I knew he was interested in me....but I couldn't imagine kissing him. Things happened...and 10 months later we kissed. Most passionate kiss I ever had. Now it's dwindled down to 'eh'. We went out to eat last night, we talked politics the whole way there (and back) and he KNOWS I HATE politics. He dropped me off at home, and said he had to go to bed. Before he would have invited me over.

 

So there. He wanted me. I only liked him as a flirtatious friend. Oh...yeah....if you have someone in mind, and you start talking, be a little flirty. Being heavy and talking about serious subjects, the poor me, my past/now/future sucks, I'll never get a woman.....will NEVER get a woman. Have you ever tried to approach a woman on your 'level' of attractiveness? There's TON'S of average and below average women in the looks department, but have a great deal of love to give. And a bargain....a great personality! Many times a person of below average looks has to acquire a above average persona!

 

In reality, it's tough to change your whole demeanor. But keep slugging it out. Do you have any friends? Do you laugh? Can you have fun with your buddies? Start off having friends that enjoy your company before hitting up the ladies. Hone your communication skills with your buds.

 

Now get going....and stop with the poor me stories. I have them too! And my friends are sick of them....lol

[Realitynut]

hahaha...notalady. I have always said this. You can find an unattractive man, with an attractive lady. But seldom the reverse! I always thought it was because we dug deeper than superficial looks!

[notalady]

hahaha...notalady. I have always said this. You can find an unattractive man, with an attractive lady. But seldom the reverse! I always thought it was because we dug deeper than superficial looks!

 

It's very much evolutionary based, or so I've read/heard lol... Women really have no use of a man's good looks. As cave women (lol), they need men who can protect and provide for the family, so they look for men with intelligence and ability to bring home the bacon, of course, also one who won't abandon her and their children.

 

Men on the other hand, want a woman who can produce and raise healthy children (big boobs, wide hips, good genetics), hence the focus on looks.

 

Of course we've all evolved beyond that, but those instincts would never go away completely I think.

[Moontiger]

I always thinking about dating in terms of applying to jobs. If I want job X the qualification are A, B, C. But if someone also has skills D and E, can I really be upset I didn't get the job? I could but it would to totally pointless. Isn't i can work I. Developing myself more and becoming more qualified.

[Dougie_D]

What's sad, is I really don't want to believe I'm physically unattractive but I'm really starting to believe that's my major failure. I find myself funny, intelligent, etc.. but it's possible that people don't get my type of intelligence, humor, etc.. I observe things extremely well. I pick up on things that others probably wouldn't recognize or thought about. I like to entertain people and sometimes I enjoy pushing their buttons. My humor is more on the dirtier sides. I'm not going to enjoy a comedy show if it's PG-13, if that makes sense. People may consider me a goofball. I enjoy watching sports, but I'm not an "athlete". I'm a HUGE THEORY guy. Aliens, conspiracy, etc.. I don't get caught up with the common social interests. I just don't enjoy things that other people like I guess. How can someone force themselves to be more interesting when they aren't really interested in those things? It's not my fault. I'm not a boring person at all. Yes, I'm sure people laugh at me at times..but isn't that considered being FUNNY? What type of humor is the more attractive humor? Most people have said that I'm exactly like, Charlie from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

[Batya33]

A big turn off to me is if someone resorts to "dirty" humor especially if I don't know the person well. I don't think talking about aliens or conspiracies makes you a theory person - but someone who is a theoretical person/thinker in general -that can be very interesting. Some people like that sense of humor but I would think that many women would be turned off/find it creepy from someone they barely know.

 

I became interested in different cultural and artistic genres when I met people I liked who were into those things and interested in sharing their knowledge and activities with me. How about broadening your interests/being a little more open minded?

 

I don't think goofball is a positive in many social situations. I've written that to you many times before.