Hazyillusions

I'll never forget how much excitement and hope you'd brought into my life B. I guess regardless of whether we stay friends or not, you've cemented yourself in my heart big time. I really thought you were it.

A few days ago out of curiosity I searched you up on FB and went on your page for the first time in a long while. Saw you changed your profile pic and that you started a new job and you seem to be really moving towards all you wanted to do these couple of years. I'm happy for you. I still do think about you extremely often but fleetingly. You were part of my past, and though I would say my feelings are finally passive for you now and have gotten over you nearly half a year ago, I still think of you fondly. You were a good guy E, I still care and wish you good things. You are part of some of my best past memories. Oh and happy belated birthday! Last year I put so much stock into constructing the right email for your bday but this year I completely forgot. At least it shows things have definitely changed.

i love you.

Better start emotionally preparing myself. In the next few months you'll be gone. Hahaha Yesterday you asked me again for the 5th time whether I wanted to come on that overseas family trip. We're over though, I don't know why you're asking me. And now you send me a forwarded itinerary of your trip? ...I really don't know what I'm meant to say.

I really love you and it really hurts to think that we will never be together again. Just bc it's for the best doesn't mean it makes things any easier. Nothing really changes how I feel about you.

I feel so lost and sad inside. I wish I didn't get in this deep with you.

U never valued me the way I did you. When I see you I feel miserable. Guess I'd rather have the anxiety of missing you than the sadness that comes with hanging out with you. I see that now.

I wish you didn't call me today. I'm emotional yet again.

I wish I could run away from all this and leave everything behind. This sinking feeling keeps intensifying.

Today's been a hard day. Been fighting the urge to talk to you. I think I need to get some antidepressants.

I gathered all the cards you wrote to me (all 8 of them), and the handmade gifts. Packed it away in one of my bags in my closet. Took off the beautiful gold bracelet you gave me for Christmas (think currently wearing it isn't the best idea). Cried of course when I looked at some of my past emails to you. I'll really miss you B. Even though we weren't meant to last longer term, I still hope that you'll keep me in your heart and remember us well in years to come. You were the love of my life. But it's okay. Life goes on.

I love you. Things are meant to happen for a reason so I'm going to keep holding onto that thought. It's really a shame we didn't work out.

3rd day of no contact and I miss you. Guess a year and a half of memories isn't going to disappear just like that.

I know right now you're probably unaware that I'm never planning on seeing you again. I got the closure I needed on Sunday. Don't know how that happened. What we were for the past month and a half was simply momentary bouts of happiness wrapped up in pain. No more.

Sunday night brought illumination. It made me realise I couldn't keep holding on. I just can't do that anymore. It hurt so much, I could feel my heart imploding. Today, I will be gathering everything that you gave me and packing it up. I won't be seeing or speaking to you ever again. Our relationship was really special to me. Even though I was holding onto my feelings for you and the hope of what we could've been, I realise now that they're just empty hopes so I'm letting those thoughts go. Goodbye B.

Soon, I'll be saying goodbye to you for good. It's going to be so painful. But ultimately better for me in the long run.

Last night I deleted more than a year and half of messages. It felt surreal. I know this is for the best. We have some pretty big problems. That doesn't change the fact that I love you and wished that it was different. That you were more mature. That you didn't have such a pride issue. That we could have continued to grow. I love you so much B.

In the end, I am still alone.

I love you B.

I love you. I need to start changing my mindset slowly. Somehow.

I’m writing you this tonight because I finally see things for the way they really are. When I work up the strength to walk away for good, that will be the day I’m still trying to get to that stage somehow. I really regret falling in love with you, you know that? You've become such a weakness of mine, my kryptonite. I wish it wasn't so. Yesterday morning while you were on Skype, I couldn’t stop thinking of waste waste waste. The word etched on my skin. I imagine blood gushing out and spilling drop by drop and somehow it was therapeutic. Maybe this is again the way of handling everything. The active thought of it helps surprisingly, though obviously I’d never actually do something like that. Thinking about it fills me with dread. If I continue this all it’ll be will be me satisfying my anxiety. But we’re broken. And nothing can be done to change it. I really wanted this but it’s not going to be a happy ending. So either i continue to hurt this way or I hurt another way (cutting you off leaves me with such unease). You weren't just a romantic partner to me...You were a close friend. I just really loved you, that's all.

I will never forget the things you said to me today. They will burn into me until I have the courage to let you go.

Iregretchoosingyou. Falling in love with you. Believing you. It was one big mistake.

Just feeling pretty down at the moment. Seeing you tonight is going to be a mindfck. Guess this is how I'm handling it. Not the best way obviously, but I am trying somehow. I wish things were different.

I hate that I have to eventually attempt again with some idiot and how everyone irritates me when they show interest. Now it's back to the whole getting to know you BS with some other randoms and it just gets me down. I hate you Ben. I don't want any of that, but i know in the next few months I'll need to start moving on. I wish things with us worked out. I need to stop hanging out with you so much. it's unhealthy.