My friends have sided with a man who hurt me

[Roxie84]

My close group of friends and I have all been tight for over a decade. We are like family.

 

D joined our group of friends about 2 years ago. There was never anything romantic there, but a really awesome sexual connection. He and I were friends with benefits for about a year.

 

Everything was great - easy, fun, no pressure, and no romantic feelings on either end. And the best part is, we were actually friends, so there was never discomfort or awkwardness.

 

Then he started to get cold with me. We spoke one night, and he assured me that he was just stressed and that I should not take it personally. I accepted this, and agreed to meet him at the motel we always went to together. He met me in the parking lot and tried to get me into his truck. He said "let's just f*** in here and save our money for the bar." I never felt so cheap! I was visibly annoyed and told him I was leaving. He then agreed to go inside and get a room.

 

The man at the desk said "we are all booked, but we have another location, about a 5 minute drive away. I can get you set up there." D told him, "that's okay, have a good night." When we walked outside I asked him what the problem was, and he said "it's not worth it. I'm going to the bar."

 

I texted him that night and told him his attitude towards me was disgusting, and that I am no longer interested in sleeping with him. He then turned around to our friends and said "she's being an idiot. I think she wants a relationship with me, so she's being stupid."

 

I was extremely annoyed, but decided to let it go for the sake of maintaining peace in the group. And the following weekend was my birthday.

 

My best friend arranged for everyone to contribute money to get me a really nice gift. Most contributed about $50. When my best asked D to contribute, he said a flat out "no." When he had collected all the money, he said to D, "we are only $10 short, just give me $10 and then you can put your name on the card. We are all friends, so it will seem odd if you are the only one who doesn't contribute."

 

D responded, "nope. Sorry. She's not worth $10 to me." He then proceeded to show up to my birthday party and buy every girl at the table (about 8 girls) a shot, accept for me.

 

I was upset and livid.

 

Since then, my friends seem to be favouring him almost. It's as if I am the unreasonable, dramatic one because I'm the one who is upset, while he doesn't have a care in the world.

 

Our group had a blowup after all this, and I have talked it out with everyone individually. No one has a problem with me, but it still hurts that no one has insisted that he apologize to me. It's like they have condoned his behaviour, and roll their eyes at me whenever I comment that I don't want to be around him.

 

Is this just one of those unfortunately points where I need to say "times have changed, I need to accept that they are close with him and I am going to be more of an outsider from now on"? Or is this something where I should get upset and stand my ground again?

[mhowe]

It is not their place to make him apologize to you. They aren't taking his side....they simply are staying out of your fight with him.

[Roxie84]

They did get involved though. They kept telling me "he's not a bad guy," and "just let it go and don't cause anymore drama." This is why we had the big blowup a while ago.

[j.man]

Now, bear in mind I'm not saying the dude wasn't an ass. There are a thousand different ways to do NSA sex without callously stating, "let's skip the bar and ****."

 

That said, it is what it is. You two share a circle of friends and decided to be FWBs. That ended, regardless of how. The group isn't going to be interested in dealing with any resulting dramatic blow back and they're going to "side" with whomever between the two of you is pushing the least amount of drama on them.

 

Not excusing them, as I think he should have been pulled aside by several people and told it was a 100% certified ***hole move to buy every woman but the birthday woman a shot, but it's always going to boil down to who is least disrupting the group dynamic.

[Heather Dawn]

He sounds like a total d*ck, but you guys weren't dating and all he really did was offend you by suggesting you do what you do in a truck. The incident in which he excluded you from a round of drinks was after you'd already developed tension.

 

So while I think you're better off ending the FWB situation, I don't think your friends need to choose sides here. It's not like you were in a relationship and he did something to you. He was rude, you didn't like it, and now you want all your friends to make him an outcast for it.

[Batya33]

I think it's a risk of being sex partners with someone you share mutual friends with. It was tactless of him to suggest having sex in his truck to save money. It was tactless of your friend to tell you what D said. You're asking them to take sides and they were not there for the conversation. They might also have gotten the impression that you wanted a relationship . After all, if you were just meeting up for sex then why even ask him why he was behaving in a cold way - if it's just sex you simply tell the person the next time they ask to meet up that you're no longer interested -with no drama. JMHO.

[abitbroken]

You were a FWB, nothing more. He entered the "group of friends" and you pounced. I think you should just forget about him. I mean, no one asks every one of my friends to contribute for a gift for me. Friends do it individually if they want to. You guys are not in college anymore I presume, so strive to make friends with these people individually.

 

why are you meeting at hotels anyhow? Are you married?? You set the tone for how people treat you.

[siegfri333]

Everything was great - easy, fun, no pressure, and no romantic feelings on either end. And the best part is, we were actually friends, so there was never discomfort or awkwardness.

 

See that's the problem here, you too never were "friends" with "benefits" (which means without sex there is no benefit to being friend with you?), you were recently acquainted people who felt enough attraction for wild free sex.

 

The situation right now is that your illusory friendship has been busted, you were used, it's as simple as that.

 

You should do nothing and act as if you never had sex with this person, if you value your group of "friends" (who sound more like acquaintances the more you describe the whole story)

[kathy679]

Maybe he was stressed that night about something totally unrelated?

Or he may of thought u liked him more and he wanted to make a weird kind of point that you two are only fwb.

You can't excuse his behaviour but you also can't blame the friends it must be awkward for them to be in the middle of this.

Maybe talk to him and ask him what's wrong

[itsallgrand]

I think you need your friends right now and it isn't a good idea to push them away because you are upset about how this casual sex arrangement degenerated into an out and out trainwreck.

 

I think your friends aren't taking his side, they simply recognize that you are a grown woman who made the choice to get into this arrangement with him and let it carry on for so long, and it's up to you to deal with the consequences of it turning ugly now.

 

Do I think it is gross what he did? You betcha. But it's good in a way because maybe it will give you pause to think about how you really want to be treated. When he said 'let's just get in the truck and f, save our money for the bar", that was your cue to realize that this was beyond over as a situation where you could feel like you can respect yourself and still be in it. Yet you still were hoping to get another motel room, and to keep the convo going with him about all this, so what is up with that?

 

Go see your friends and keep your head up high and acknowledge you got in over your head and you are sorry for making a production of it, you were just hurting. They are close friends, they will understand.

 

It's where you try and turn this into a situation where you are a victim of circumstances and an ass that you lose their support. Because well, you are not a victim here. You made some decisons that weren't the best, and you gotta own that.

[LC8328]

For some reason when I read your post (and everyone's response), I got confused and read everything again.

 

I hope I'm wrong, but it seriously feels like there's something left out of this equation, and I have some ideas about what that is.

 

You guys were sleeping together for about a year and then suddenly he's moody and is acting angry at you. Make no mistake - regardless of what he said ("Don't worry about it"), his actions said he was angry at you. When he said "It's not worth it," I think that had a double meaning. As in, "all this trouble I'm taking to sleep with you isn't worth it." Now, if you guys were sleeping together for a little while, why the sudden change?

 

So either:

-He began to like you and suddenly realized you guys couldn't be together (like if you're married or seeing someone else, or if he got the idea you were interested in someone else, etc).

- Or here is what I think happened. One of your mutual friends let slip something about you, and it sounds like something big.

 

Why do I think that? You said that when you texted him, he told your friends, "I think she wants a relationship with me, etc." You would only know this if one of your mutual friends told you, since you were not there when he received your text. So, your mutual friends talk about you two a lot. Whether you're there or not. So yeah, one or more of them told him something that was obviously a game changer to him. I don't know what that is. But it has to be big if he did a 180 after a year of sleeping with you.

 

They did get involved though. They kept telling me "he's not a bad guy," and "just let it go and don't cause anymore drama." This is why we had the big blowup a while ago.

 

"Don't cause anymore drama." ANYMORE. This is something you say to a person who is bomboarding their friends with drama. If it was just this one time, they would have said, "I think you should just let this go for now. You know? Who cares what he says." But no. They pleaded with you to not cause "anymore drama." I think there is more to this somehow. You say you are all close friends and that you're like family, yet you also say they have sided with this guy. So, if you're really that close and you feel they really are siding with him, then something pushed them to do that. They just don't want to tell you because they don't want to hurt your feelings, so they're trying to handle you and him as delicately as possible. The rolling of the eyes when you complain that you don't want to see him...is a passive aggressive act because they don't want to get into it with you. Or they're rolling their eyes to each other and you just happened to catch it.

 

The way he acted that night that he oh-so-eloquently offered that you guys "eff" in the truck, was a way someone acts when they've been pushed to the very edge. You know, not being open or smiling at you like he normally does, etc. When he said "It's not worth it," that was him jumping off that edge. I think he thought he could handle one more session with you, but since he was conflicted about doing it that night, having a little bit of difficulty in getting time alone together - the motel not having any more rooms - was the deciding factor for him.

 

So yeah. I get that you're hurt by your close friends, but I would focus on why this is happening. If I was wrong and there really isn't any more to this than what you have mentioned, then you seriously need a new set of friends. Really. You don't need that.

 

Regardless, I think you need to handle your issue with him on your own. Don't involve your friends anymore.

[LC8328]

why are you meeting at hotels anyhow? Are you married?? You set the tone for how people treat you.

 

Oh yeah!! Good point. Why ARE you guys meeting at hotels? Please don't tell me one of you is married.

[mg22]

Omg girl whats wrong with you?? your friends are telling you all this and you still question him? forget what the friends say and focus on the horrible way he is treating you ! If the so called friends favor him then i think its time for you to find new friends who respect you !!

[HeartGoesOn]

I guess this is a different guy, and not the one you posted about 2 weeks ago?

[abitbroken]

btw, I can never understand this "friendship by herd" or "friendship by committee" thing. yes, we have some friends who know eachother and we see them together - we see them individually, and we may see the friends that are neighbors with eachother together. Or we meet up with old classmates. But we are friends with all these people individually. Someone isn't new "to the group" like we are a club that meets and posts calendar listings in the community section of the newspaper. Unless you are in high school and "hanging with the teammates" or in college and "hanging with the study group from psych class" and someone transfers in, I don't get it. That's just me and besides the point. As you were....

[lifesatrip]

I feel like people are being really hard on you in this thread. Unless there is more to the story that we are not hearing about, I would probably feel the same way as you. I'd feel like my friends don't have my back. On the other hand this guy sounds like a real and is probably a good manipulator. I don't know how he's acting around your friends but he may be working double time to win them over so that he "wins." (If you're curious how this type of personality functions look up sociopathy - I'm not saying he's a full blown one, but his behavior is appalling and indicates some type of disorder on the spectrum of antisociality). Anyway people in this forum are accusing you of making "bad choices" and being a drama queen, but it stinks of victim blaming if you ask me. So you were ready to go to another hotel in the heat of the moment, no that's not a great way to communicate that you value yourself after the he pulled. But it's not like you made a series of choices that equate to bringing his bad behavior on yourself. His behavior is his responsibility and has nothing to do with your choices. Your choices did not hurt anyone else. His did. And if we want to talk about bringing on the drama, you say he showed up at your party and bought shots for all your friends but left you out, and that he publicly stated to your friends that you are not worth 10$ for a birthday gift? What the . Seriously. This guy was acting aggressive, bitter, mean, spiteful, and like a total drama king. He was acting really aggressively toward you. I can understand why you wouldn't want to be anywhere near him. If your friends can't understand I think that's strange, but I wouldn't necessarily write them off as bad friends. Some of these types of personalities can really manipulate their victim's friends and even family to side with them. Who knows what stories he is telling. The whole thing sounds really weird, and I think you should do your best to either cut this out of your life or pretend he doesn't exist even if you have to formally interact with him.

[j.man]

Well, there's a reason clinical therapy is typically inclusive of 6+ years of education any many more of on-hands experience. You can't just throw around "sociopathy" because a dude acted like an ***.

 

There's no debate this guy acted callously. However, most friendship circles aren't looking for the hottest new drama to schism over. If you start having NSA sex within the circle, you are going to be on your own. You're a big girl/boy and shouldn't need the group to divide itself into sides as a result of that NSA going awry.

 

If you want people to say "That guy's a straight up **** face," confide in people who aren't mutual friends.

[toby17]

D joined our group of friends about 2 years ago.

 

Two years is a long time. I know you think you have some sort of seniority but you don't.

 

Then he started to get cold with me.

...

He met me in the parking lot and tried to get me into his truck. He said "let's just f*** in here and save our money for the bar."

...

He then agreed to go inside and get a room.

...

When we walked outside I asked him what the problem was, and he said "it's not worth it. I'm going to the bar."

 

Dude said it wasn't worth it to get a room to screw you. Wow!

 

When he had collected all the money, he said to D, "we are only $10 short, just give me $10 and then you can put your name on the card. We are all friends, so it will seem odd if you are the only one who doesn't contribute."

 

D responded, "nope. Sorry. She's not worth $10 to me." He then proceeded to show up to my birthday party and buy every girl at the table (about 8 girls) a shot, accept for me.

 

He's upset and acting out.

 

Since then, my friends seem to be favouring him almost. It's as if I am the unreasonable, dramatic one

 

You expect your friends to side with you because you are the blameless party. But you and your friends are no different to a herd of animals. People don't side with other people because they reason, they side with him because of his position in the herd. It's more beneficial to them to be on his side, no matter how long they've known you.

 

If it helps, I'm sure your friends think he did something wrong. In fact, if they didn't think it he was wrong not to contribute to your gift, you wouldn't have heard about it.

 

But they're going to take sides against you because you're perceived as causing the friction in the group.

 

they... roll their eyes at me whenever I comment that I don't want to be around him.

 

Is this just one of those unfortunately points where I need to say "times have changed, I need to accept that they are close with him and I am going to be more of an outsider from now on"? Or is this something where I should get upset and stand my ground again?

 

Option 1 Stop hanging out with these friends and surrender the group to him. Your friends will notice you're gone. A few of them will try to convince you to hang out with the group. You'd think some of them would invite you to one-on-one events or to girls only events, but they won't. They won't really respect that you don't want to hang out with him and they'll try to pressure you to come to group events.

 

Option No 2 is to go only go to one-on-one events or girls only events and don't accept any invites to hang out as a group. If he shows up at something that you're at, ghost the event. Again your friends will try to pressure you to stay but this is a halfway house and you can do this until you've gotten over how he treat you.

 

Option No 3 - suck it up; put on a brave face and try to come accross as the bigger person. In the meantime it hurts and you feel like your friends aren't loyal and you have to put up with this prat trying to get a rise out of you.

 

I'm pretty fierce and I'm big on loyalty and very low on forgiveness. If it were me, I would go with option No 1. But there are consequences and I'm prepared to accept them.

 

I'd probably recommend you do option No 2.

[catfeeder]

If you start having NSA sex within the circle, you are going to be on your own. You're a big girl/boy and shouldn't need the group to divide itself into sides as a result of that NSA going awry.

 

Yep, that's my take on it, too. If someone in a group of friends wanted to tell me about their NSA sex, I'd stop them and explain that it's TMI for me. I'm not a fan of NSA sex in the first place, so I can only tell you where I stand on that up front, and I can promise not to judge if you promise not to ask my opinion about it.

[Silverbirch]

I think the guy is angry because if the other guy who you got involved with. Part of him likely did have feelings for you, often with FWB, somebody will get hurt because they develop feelings. Anyway, this guy felt like you had only been interested in his penis and not considered him as a person. His pride and ego hurt when you got involved with the other guy.

[Roxie84]

We were good friends for a long time before we started sleeping together. I did not "pounce". No, we are not married. We both live at home still.

 

Thanks for assuming the worst in me because I was the booty buddy. Automatically the female deserves no respect and deserves to be spoken to that way? I'm done with this forum man. People are no longer understanding - just plain accusatory and mean.

[Roxie84]

Cml342 thank you for your post, very helpful, thanks to you. I would like to say more, but I'm out.

[Helpexpressme]

Your friends don't want to get involved in your drama, I don't think you should make them either.