Another online daing journal

[reinventmyself]

I have. . but it's so hard!

[notalady]

It is, but I know you can do it!

[browneyedgirl36]

I have. . but it's so hard!

 

What is it that you're finding the most hard? I'm curious, because it seems to me that this is a situation where you are just totally incompatible. I will reiterate what I said in a previous post awhile back, I think his emotional intelligence is far below average -- especially for someone his age.

 

Do you fear hurting him? Do you fear being alone? Do you fear not being able to find anyone else? Or is it something else? It just seems, from where I'm sitting, that the handwriting's on the wall that this isn't going to work long-term. You're not that far into the relationship -- less than a year -- and all this tension and drama and anxiety? If I were you, I'd be exhausted! Relationships aren't supposed to be this hard near the beginning. Certainly, there can be small disagreements, but...it just seems like you're spending an awful lot of time "taking space" from one another and waiting for the other shoe to drop.

 

I'm sorry you're going through this, but...I think you might need to call an end to this one.

[reinventmyself]

""Do you fear hurting him? Do you fear being alone? Do you fear not being able to find anyone else? Or is it something else?""

 

I keep asking myself these questions and what I come up with is I am afraid of the anxiety I have had in my last breakup that was difficult and the end of my marriage. Somehow I equate all losses to be this way or are going to feel this way. I will do almost anything to ward of the anxiety including not making difficult decisions.

 

What am I losing, I keep asking myself? `an activity partner' I guess is all I come up with.

I just want things to be different and it's so easy to be on the other side and tell people to accept people the way they are. Trust me I know. .I can preach it til the cow's come home. But when you are in it, it's a different view.

It's the emotional brain arguing with the intellectual brain I suppose.

 

Yes, I am afraid of hurting him . Afraid of being alone with the anxiety. .

It's my birthday this week and he had asked me to take days off. I can only assume he had a trip planned and he buys inappropriately expensive gifts.

I am embarrassed for him. . for me. I can't in goodfaith go . .I feel bad if I don't. I don't even know if the plan is in place. .

I just wish things were different and keep holding out for a flicker of something that got thru to him. .

 

This is just stressing me out and I can't sort it through and I feel stuck.

[reinventmyself]

. . that and my dating/relationship patterns. I have walked away from all or most of my relationships.

I am the common denominator here. . that troubles me. 'What am I missing?' I keep asking myself.

[notalady]

Having recently been through the same thing, I know how you feel and how hard it is to walk away. Surely at some point you just think to yourself, this is getting ridiculous and I've had enough?

 

For me it's more about ignoring the emotional side and think logically can I spend the rest of my life with this person given his bad behaviour? The answer is no, so the decision is made. I'll take the plunge and feel sad about it later.

 

Of course I did take several days alone with NC to make that decision, NC made it easier. Perhaps you can suggest taking a break to start with and give yourself a little bit of time to think.

[saluk]

From 1000 miles away... yeah you are the common denominator in walking away... but it sounds like you wait far beyond the sell-by date in most of these instances, making the ending more difficult, and increasing anxiety about the endings. I can't believe I'm advocating this, but maybe if you practice leaving at the first sign of trouble rather than after getting buried in trouble you would keep yourself more open for something that might actually be right, instead of trying to make not-right work? And also make endings not as big of a deal.

 

From everything you've said here, you are not the reason this relationship is not working. A passive aggressive guy who can't communicate and is in no way your equal is not something that you can work with and turn into a great relationship. There have to be guys out there who are actually willing to work with you rather than against you?

[notalady]

From everything you've said here, you are not the reason this relationship is not working. A passive aggressive guy who can't communicate and is in no way your equal is not something that you can work with and turn into a great relationship. There have to be guys out there who are actually willing to work with you rather than against you?

 

This sums it up nicely!

[reinventmyself]

Thanks to both of you!! I needed to hear that.

 

Well . .it's over.

I trying to talk to him last night and I got bombarded with immature emotionally charged passive aggressive remarks. I was asking what the status of our relationship was and whether I should make other plans for my birthday days off. His response `I cancelled everything'

 

I can't repeat everything he said. . My mind is mush right now and I didn't sleep but in a sad way I am thankful he really unveiled that side of himself to me.

It makes my much decision easier. Still hurts but it's better knowing I did the right thing.

 

I will tell you he thinks he can tell me to break up with him or he has ended it with me over and over. Unfortunately it's a veiled threat on his part to get a reaction out of me but it isn't what he really wants. He's just being childish and immature and basically it's being really manipulative. So at some point when the conversation wasn't going anywhere I told him I will take him for his word on this, after all you don't need to tell me it's over too many times until I will actually take your word for it. Yet he tries to stop me?? Huh? Or insists I am a `quitter' . .It's too confusing for me to even explain. It just became a lose/lose situation.

 

It apparently didn't matter that I had warned him about doing this previously. That you don't make threats like unless you are willing to back it up. After not getting anywhere after 40 mins, I hung up, exasperated.

 

With that I defriended him on Facebook before I went to bed.

My phone lit up like a Christmas tree with a barrage of texts on how I did that just to hurt him? Are you kidding me? He breaks up with me over and over, I give up and now says I defriended him just to hurt him?! That just confirms that he never really intended on ending it, yet irresponsibly throws in my face repeatedly. He asked why I couldn't have waited until we `cooled off'. I reminded him he broke up with me on more than once and when given the opportunity (repeatedly) he never opted for 'cooling off'

 

UHG. . I will not lower myself to this juvenile level.

His conflict resolving skills are that of a 5 year old.

 

And . .he admitted he was still mad I that saw my friends to celebrate our birthdays on Friday after I gave him one days notice. . enough said. .

 

This morning I get a Facebook friend request. .from `you know who'

 

I am leaving to go on an impromptu trip with some girlfriends on my birthday days off, Th & Fr.

Happy Birthday to me. . .

[browneyedgirl36]

I'm sorry it happened this way, but...I think in the long run, you will be glad.

 

You are correct: He has the conflict resolution skills of a five-year-old. Throwing text temper tantrums, goading you into breaking up with him -- yuck. This is not how adults behave. Honestly, it sounds like a teenager creating drama for the sake of drama.

 

You are well rid of him. And, I agree with the other posters who said that yes, while you are the 'common denominator' in all of your relationships ending -- in terms of you walking away -- I think you only walk away as a last resort and that you put up with quite a bit of stuff before you do.

 

I'm sorry that you're feeling bad but glad to hear that you have plans for your birthday with your friends -- enjoy that (and the freedom of NOT having to worry about what M is thinking or doing!)

[WithLove]

I'm glad it's over. I know that's a bold statement, but he was causing you so much heartache. I could see you starting to get bitter. And giving you unnecessary grief over trivial things.

 

You deserve someone that's more on your intellectual and emotional level.

[reinventmyself]

Thx All!

 

With that he just text me.. . emoticons waving at me because he drove by my work.

Uhg. Please don't make me block him. .

[Ms Darcy]

What day is your birthday?

[reinventmyself]

Thursday, July 16th

 

and yet another tragic text, 'sorry I won't bother you anymore'.

[WithLove]

Block and move on. Because you know he will text and bother you more. Trying to lay guilt on you.

[testcase]

Well I'm sorry for the way it ended but I'm glad it's over for you. There's never an easy way to end things and you never seemed sold on this. I know it's tough but the way he's acting now shows it was the right decision!

[notalady]

He sounds exactly like Z. They may not say the exact same things but it's the same approach, ie he tried to push me to break up then when I actually follow through he doesn't want to break up, and hassling me after we broke up trying to make me feel guilty, it's all manipulation tactics and it's really low.

 

So I'm glad you ended it, I think you absolutely made the right decision.

 

Big hug for you!

[saluk]

So sorry that he acted this way. It may have helped you make the decision to end it, but it sure didn't make anything about what went down easy. It sounds like his antics are already cooling and he is going to back off. If not, block him. It's for the best for both of you, the only way you could have worked is if he were a completely different person. How are you feeling?

[Ms Darcy]

Thursday, July 16th

 

and yet another tragic text, 'sorry I won't bother you anymore'.

 

That's the same day as my birthday!

[reinventmyself]

That's the same day as my birthday!

 

 

 

Well then, Happy Birthday to you too!

[reinventmyself]

So last night the shift happens. .He is no longer lashing out and now apologetic. I told him that I was tired, upset and his way of handling conflicts scared me.

He says he understands and will give me time.

Today he texts like nothing's happened. I don't respond.

 

It's hard to tell someone you spent 6 months with goodbye as they try to keep the door open.

It doesn't help when the anger subsides and I remember the good qualities. It takes effort on my part to recount the petty stuff.

I have to come here and reread all that's transpired.

 

I wish the men in my life had half the empathy I have for them as I tend to put myself in their place a little too much and imagine the grief he must feel.

It makes it harder for me to be firm.

 

So in typical D pattern. . I avoid.

I haven't really cried or processed this. Not sure if there are tears to cry. I can feel the anxiety creeping in which is a typical signal for me that I am not dealing with things the way I should. . .busy, busy, busy.

I leave in the morning for 2 days. . more busy.

 

He has asked to see me this weekend to celebrate my birthday. I haven't answered. But I just keep thinking of all the petty comments about `giving me the best birthday gift by breaking up with me. . How this must be the best birthday ever. And how happy I should be"

How he had all these plans (trip) but "cancelled them all"

. . .childish, extremely childish.

 

Wow. .If I was that terrible, then why are you bothering me now?

 

Thanks for trying to ruin my day but what you don't know is . . I'll be gone.

[browneyedgirl36]

Good for you, D. Yes, he's apologetic now -- it's a strategy to reel you back in. If you were to give him another chance, the same thing would happen again -- I guarantee it.

 

I think it's great you're going off with friends for your birthday -- best remedy for stress!

[reinventmyself]

Good for you, D. Yes, he's apologetic now -- it's a strategy to reel you back in. If you were to give him another chance, the same thing would happen again -- I guarantee it.

 

I think it's great you're going off with friends for your birthday -- best remedy for stress!

 

Thanks B!

uh oh. .I feel the tears brimming. . No, no. .not at work

[reinventmyself]

I had a great time with my friends, leaving early on Thursday and returning early Saturday morning.

M texts me on Friday morning wanted to know what I had decided about getting together over the weekend. He wasn't aware of my plans and I share I am out of town and will return Sat. How about Sunday?

 

He responds `no'. . Make a long story short he said if I had cared I would have made time for him and Sunday was too short of notice, besides it was 'a day of rest'.

 

I get that I didn't respond to him earlier in week but I was going to let him know on Friday. Besides I wasn't sure I wanted to see him at all.

 

!?. .

 

Excuse my language but clearly there is no winning with this man. I can only assume he was upset that I was out of town.

 

I am with my friends and refusing to let him ruin my day. So I calmly responded:

I would have preferred to have spent my birthday with you had you not continued playing the break up game with me and saying not-so-nice things about my birthday.

And if two days notice is not enough, I understand. Enjoy your restful Sunday.

 

Aarrrrggghhhhh!!!

 

Yesterday he keeps sending me snap chats and ultimately last night he text saying he hopes I enjoyed my birthday weekend. I don't respond.

 

I do need to block his number but I keep stalling.

[saluk]

Just remember. The two of you had problems communicating while within the relationship structure. He had some issues that you could feel were there, but didn't know the whole shape of them. Now that you are outside of the structure, anything goes. You are seeing more of the shape of the problems that were already there - and being cut lose is known to bring out the worst in even more well adjusted people. You don't need to be connected to this broken person who is scrambling to deal with the realities he's facing. It won't make things any easier for either of you. I think underneath the mess there is a good person in there... but you weren't able to bring that out of him as hard as you tried when things were GOOD between you.