Another online daing journal

[Ms Darcy]

Venting can be good.

[reinventmyself]

I am moving forward and keeping busy.

However. . .Even tho his number is blocked and he can't call me. I do get texts from him that I am unable to open. I guess that's all Verizon can do about blocking texts. It's like a little knock on my door. It sets me back each time. . just a tiny bit, but something nonetheless.

 

One yesterday and just now. .a call to my voice mail at work.

I haven't looked today but I am certain he's online shopping.

 

All the fits and spurts of an ending and second guessing myself.

 

There isn't anything more final in my book then when they go back on dating website while simultaneously trying to get your attention.

That and a lack of impulsive control.

[notalady]

What kind of phone do you have? If you have an iPhone, you can block people on your phone, so you don't receive the texts at all.

[reinventmyself]

What kind of phone do you have? If you have an iPhone, you can block people on your phone, so you don't receive the texts at all.

 

Samsung S5

My previous phone I could block. .this one I can add him to a do not call status (on the phone itself) but I still get an indicator that he's tried to reach me.

So between my carrier and my phone options. .this is it.

I think there is feature, at a cost with Verizon, but it's not that necessary.

I'll just deal with it. ;/

[reinventmyself]

I have managed to book up every minute of my time and being a little over indulgent lately.

This is a good thing. . but. . it also equates to running. Today I have a couple options. One of them going with a friend to Meetup with a travel group having an informational meeting about a 2 week trip to Italy in Oct.

 

Problem is it's an hour drive there and back and pretty much uses up my entire Sunday and there are several things I really need to get done today. Plus. .I need to slow down and get comfortable in my own skin and adjust to being alone. Can't do that if I run from one thing to another.

 

Italy. . hmmm. I first need to check with my boss about a project we are starting that will end sometime in the beginning of October.

I am wondering if I am not really in place that I ought to be making a big decisions. Concerned that I may just be impulsive.

 

Awkward yesterday while I was at a friends bbq. I was asked where M was a couple times. I kept thinking how much he loved my friends and would have loved being there. Natural I suppose. But I don't doubt I've done the right thing, especially now with a little distance I am able to be more objective.

Just because it's the right decision doesn't always make it easy.

[reinventmyself]

Earlier in my journal I listed all M's positive attributes in an effort to talk myself into to staying.

Seems fitting to now make a list of his negatives if for no other reason than just to keep me on track:

 

Passivity that would swing to passive aggressiveness

Physical affection that was more rigid and awkward than spontaneous and warm.

His ED issues.

Inability to share anything about himself and be known.

Actual fear of intimacy and connectedness. His ability to sabotage it.

Lack of empathy.

Posturing himself to be a victim or a martyr. No matter how much I side stepped it when I saw it coming, he would actually twist his way into it. (weird)

His ability to hear criticisms when they weren't there. Twisting what I said and repeating it back to me.

His running away and being overly emotional. The cycles of drama.

Inability to handle any stress, whether with us or work related. It felt as if he had no skin and everything made him feel raw and effected.

His way of punishing me by being withholding only to come back and see if I complied. .just to do the same thing over and over.

His emotional maturity of a 5 year old.

[notalady]

That's a good list reinventmyself. Looks like the negatives outweigh the positives by a long way. Actually just a couple of these would've been deal breakers lol..

[reinventmyself]

Yah. . Go figure ;/-

[reinventmyself]

Despite everything. . how do I keep from second guessing myself when I see he's online dating? (I really have been good, not great, but good about it not looking)

I hadn't checked since last week and I looked this morning because I fooled myself into thinking I could handle it. I see he's pulled his profile and from my knowledge of him is he only likes to meet one person at time. This morning his profile is gone suggesting he's already met someone.

 

My head swirls with second guessing myself and trying to stay on track. Add in I come in to see he's left me a vm early this morning on my work phone. I feel emotional.

 

I wrestle with not wanting to personalize what he's doing but it still feels hurtful and temptation to reach out and pull him back is strong.

I've done this before and for all the wrong reasons. . One would think I have learned this lesson and it was a painful one. .going back to a bad relationship only to have it end even worse than before.

[WithLove]

It's just going to take time. You know in your heart that you made the right decision. He's just playing mind games with you. He likely will continue to do so until he's met someone else.

 

Stay strong. You're a smart and powerful woman. You'll power through this. You're going to have good days and bad days. Don't feel bad about having bad ones. Just accept that it's a bad day and understand that tomorrow will be better.

[saluk]

I know how different it can be on the inside, but from the outside I can't see why you would want to go back to him - or why you are even interested in looking at his dating profile. Missing from your list of negatives is how badly he treated you when you tried to end things, and how much he disrespected everything you told him you wanted. When you wanted him to try to connect, he was avoidant. When you wanted him to stay away, he harassed you. He's still leaving voicemails?

 

Stay on track.

[Ms Darcy]

On second guessing yourself ... think about trying to observe the thoughts as they happen. Imagine the thoughts are in a bubbles and just look at the thought and let it flow away.

[reinventmyself]

He's still leaving voicemails?

 

Stay on track.

 

The only thing I can not block is my work phone. He has called it daily last week leaving vms' and for the most part I deleted them. By the advice of my family they suggested I at least listen to one of them so see where his state of mind is at. Last week him wanting to reschedule the return of my chair, again. (NOT!)

Today is was him saying he thought of me all weekend, missed me and hoped I was ok and that he wouldn't bother me anymore.

It feels like bait. . much like the return of my chair he holds hostage just to get me to 'come out and play'

I had a weak moment. .seeing I drove into work upset imagining that he has already has someone new in his life. When I got the vm I called him back. .and hung up. so he knows I have called. Impulsive moment. . that I can't take back.

I am kicking myself right now because I have seen signs of him wanting to bait me in an exchange just to push me away already.

It can be a sick little dynamic where they set up you in hopes you will turn into the pursuer so they can then push away . . just to massage their egos and project their own discomfort on me. (it works sometimes )

That and if he has a new acquaintance, the dynamic shifts and they aren't particularly nice when they think they some sort of back up plan.

I just wish I was a little smarter than all of this. .seeing I am able to call it what it is. .Acting on it and feeling confident about it is the challenge.

[notalady]

Z said many many times during the break up that he "wouldn't bother me anymore" yet continued to do so. Or saying things like "I deserve this, I know I hurt you and won't ask for a second chance" only to proceed to do so.

 

Yes it's all manipulation (even if it is subconscious, because that's who they are).

 

M may not have met anyone, simply don't want to be on the OLD site anymore. Or is trying to mess with you, if he knows you had or would visit his page. Even if he is seeing someone new, imagine how healthy that relationship is gonna be, he's still hassling his ex to get back together while probably expressing how much he's into the new person. Switch it around and think about how you'd feel if you just met him (or someone else) that seems overly into you at the start and is actually still trying to get back together with his ex behind your back. What a catch he is.

 

Also read your negatives list again and again to remind yourself why you broke up with him. Everytime you have a doubt, read it.

[reinventmyself]

I know how different it can be on the inside, but from the outside I can't see why you would want to go back to him - or why you are even interested in looking at his dating profile. Missing from your list of negatives is how badly he treated you when you tried to end things, and how much he disrespected everything you told him you wanted. When you wanted him to try to connect, he was avoidant. When you wanted him to stay away, he harassed you. He's still leaving voicemails?

 

Stay on track.

 

Well put. . printing this up ..thx

[notalady]

What's been happening reinventmyself? Haven't seen an update from you in ages!

[reinventmyself]

Ha ha. I've considered updating this a couple times but it is my 'dating' journal after all and I'm not dating ; )

Life is good and I've been busy spending time with my friends.

 

I can't lie and say I haven't had any contact with Mark. But what little I've had has only reinforced my decision. It feels good to be at peace and resigned to the whole thing and I still think he's a great guy but not the guy for me. Nor am I the girl for him. I wish him the best.

 

Life has a sense of humor at times and loves to throw me curve balls.

 

A couple years ago while online dating a man emailed me and his profile name had a reference to the state I live in. We exchanged a couple emails before I realized he live 3 states away! Long story short we stayed in touch sporadically, exchanging dating stories and a few times lengthy philosophical phone calls. His pictures were very handsome yet he's just a little too right wing conservative for me. There was never any flirtatious overtones in our conversations. He knew I was dating someone lately so we hadn't communicated but a couple times, a text hello, the entire year.

 

It's been a few months since either one last reached out and yesterday he text asking me to meet him for a drink. I laughed it off responding I was on my way.

As it turns out he's in town for business!.

So fun to actually sit and talk real time to someone you never phathomed meeting. He's even more handsome and engaging in person yet I didn't feel any attraction. Aside from the distance and our different (not conflicting) views I'm just not in a place at the moment to be attracted to any man. I'm just enjoying being single at the moment. That may change but for the time being I'm not giving it much thought.

 

I had to chuckle at myself on my way home last night. My life is definitely never dull, lol

And I need to thank my friend for reminding me what's like to sit accross from a man who shares things about himself and isn't afraid to so. I know more about D than I ever did about Mark.

[reinventmyself]

I am in a different place now. Typically after a break up I do take some time off, but despite that fact I am usually thinking about dating. . or when I will date, or when I might put my profile back up.

Though things dragged on with M and I, if I look back we really haven't been together since the beginning of July. I guess all the fuss in between then and now counts too. But I've been for the most part on my own since things fell apart just before the 4th of July weekend.

Having said that I am not thinking of dating. I try to imagine putting a profile up and I just can't imagine it. This is kinda odd for me.. .ha ha

 

Because I wasn't really emotionally invested this breakup hasn't been that difficult. More of a lifestyle adjustment. One would think I would bounce back quicker.

Maybe because the last breakup was difficult and impacted me emotionally I was more inclined to date sooner than I was ready? . for all the wrong reasons of course.

I dunno. . just thinking out loud. I guess I am surprised at my lack of interest at this point and it's not really about bouncing back. Maybe it's more about being content. Add in the factor that my last two relationships were drama filled. That's all I associate it with at this time. . drama.

 

Maybe it's because of the summer months, where my friends are out and about and there isn't a lack of things to do. I am glad I am not missing out on the fun.

 

I am having 8 women over on Saturday to play Cards Against Humanity. I haven't played it yet but I hear it's a riot.

That and some comfort food and wine. Therapy for the soul!

 

I spend last Saturday fixing up my patio with some new flowers and some more twinkly solar lights. I kept thinking there was a limit in how many you can have before it becomes overkill. I am finding out, there is no such thing as too many solar lights!

I stand in my kitchen at night and look at my patio. . Little things make me smile.

So for now. .today, things are good.

 

I am sure it doesn't hurt to have my older son living with me for the time being. A man around the house. . He's good company and very low maintenance.

 

And in two weeks I leave to drive 3 states away with 11 (crazy) girlfriends for a five day trip along a river with white water rafting, zip lining and golf.

Oh yes. .and more comfort food and wine!

 

Alot to be grateful for. . in case I forget

[Ms Darcy]

Cards against Humanity is my FAVORITE party game! It's a bit scandalous so be ready. It's a more intense form of Apples to Apples - if you know that one.

[WithLove]

Cards Against Humanity is simply terrific. But yes, it's very inappropriate and very crude humor. Be prepared for that.

[saluk]

I have seen the most straight-laced conservative folks put together the most outrageous and crude sets in that game! It really loosens people up lol.

 

It sounds like you have a lot of fun things lined up. As long as life is good there is no real reason to make dating a priority - unless something comes up. Although I do worry sometimes about this very thing. I may have mentioned it before I don't remember. When i am feeling down, I have a hard time dating because I am kind of desperate and it really doesn't work. When things are going well on the other hand I don't feel like dating because I'm so busy and having a good time and don't really have much motivation. The only times I ever manage my profile or think about dating is in that in-between time, when I am just coming out of that desperation and moving into stability.

 

By the time I've actually lined up someone, I'm not really into it anymore.

[reinventmyself]

Cards Against Humanity is simply terrific. But yes, it's very inappropriate and very crude humor. Be prepared for that.

 

Well, perfect then .. my friends are already highly inappropriate ! We'll be on my patio (with the twinkly lights)

I might have to apologize to my neighbors later.

Someone shared a story of their naïve grandmother playing CAH and she had no clue what she was saying,

which of course made it that much funnier.

And I have played Apples to Apples. . fun game too!

[reinventmyself]

I can relate to this. It's hard to find a balance sometimes.

I think it's the reading of everyone's stories here about OLD that gives me the hives. I remember that angst sometimes and I do not miss it.

 

That and all the precious time you use up responding to things that often spin around and go no where and the endless coffee dates with people I never imagined in my wildest dreams would cross my path.

Let's not forget the countless requests for hookups and naked pictures . .oh joy!! .

 

I just don't have it in me. Not right now.

Maybe if I am lucky, when I least expect it, Mr. Right will throw himself on the windshield of my car.

[Ms Darcy]

I love Taboo too.

[reinventmyself]

Weekends are hard sometimes. Though I need to keep reminding myself that each weekend has been full and I haven't been lonely.

I guess it's just the unknown and not having that built in company to count on.

It's a three day weekend and I have plans today but Sunday & Monday is open.

Need to get used to the idea that having no plans isn't a bad thing.

I can see how it's tempting to go online and find a space filler.

But I'm not going to do that.

Not until I get to the other side