Another online daing journal

[reinventmyself]

Like that old country tune, "How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?" lol

 

Just curious. .and kinda afraid to ask.

How is it you relate to this and why?

[Larkin]

Just curious. .and kinda afraid to ask.

How is it you relate to this and why?

 

Simply an attempt at humor.

[reinventmyself]

Simply an attempt at humor.

 

I was referring that you could relate to my friend, sometime ago post divorce.

[reinventmyself]

Just got back to my office there is message from M. I haven't listened to it and nor do I want to.

It's starting to rattle me because he has to be aware that I have blocked him 4 different ways already and now he's calling me at work.

In 7 months he's never called my work number.

He seems to be coming a little unhinged and I am starting to feel unsafe.

[notalady]

When this happened with Z, he only really got the message when he saw me in person and I was angry (that he showed up unannounced) and told him he's scaring me and that it's over. I had to say many times in text that I don't want a relationship with him anymore for that message to get through.

 

Not saying that's what has to happen here for him to go away and continuing to block and ignore might work just as well. But alternatively perhaps if you can communicate whichever way one last time that he is scaring you by doing all this and that it is truly over, you don't want a relationship with him anymore and there is nothing he can say or do that will change that, he might, just might listen. Right now I think he's still delusional that you're just mad and he can win you back. I understand if you feel uncomfortable communicating that though and I know many that would advise against it, but that's what I would do, one last communication, be as blunt and straight as you can and get the message through his head.

 

I hope he doesn't show up unannounced like Z did to me...

[browneyedgirl36]

I think that you're going to have to resort to something semi-drastic -- or at least a little dramatic -- in order for M to get the message.

 

I think you should send him an e-mail or text -- DON'T call him, lest he get all passive aggressive/manipulative on you -- saying, in essence, "M, I thought it was understood that our relationship is over. You have made repeated attempts to contact me, even though I have blocked your number and have not been responding to your various attempts. The blocking and not responding is because I don't wish to have any further contact with you; I ask that you respect my wishes on this matter. Please refrain from contacting me or making attempts to see me. I will not be responding further."

 

Then...no more responses, no matter WHAT he tries. Even if he blows up your phone from other numbers (in this case, you may need to change yours).

 

If you tell him, flat out "I do not wish to hear from you again or be in any type of contact with you" and then go silent, unless he is totally clueless or nuts, he should back off. If he persists, and you respond AT ALL, he will just keep trying. I always recommend that people -- especially women -- read Gavin de Becker's book The Gift of Fear. In it, he talks about how, if someone calls 20 times and you don't answer but then you finally break down and answer, all you're teaching that person is that 20 phone calls is what it takes to get you to respond. He has some really great points about restraining orders, too -- about how they are essentially useless unless someone is just clueless and doesn't get the hint (though they rarely work for abusive and/or unstable people).

 

I hope M isn't dangerous -- and I suspect he poses no physical danger to you -- but he is absolutely, most assuredly VERY manipulative, and he sounds impulsive and a bit controlling. Just because he may not be dangerous in a physical sense doesn't mean he can't be a danger to your emotional well-being and peace of mind.

 

I hope he stops contacting you on his own, but I think you may have to take one, final hard line with him, which you haven't done up to this point.

[Ms Darcy]

In it, he talks about how, if someone calls 20 times and you don't answer but then you finally break down and answer, all you're teaching that person is that 20 phone calls is what it takes to get you to respond.

 

I think this is the reason she should not communicate further. She already told him to stop talking her. He's just trying to break her down.

[Larkin]

I was referring that you could relate to my friend, sometime ago post divorce.

The breakup of my marriage was a real kick in the gut. My ex left me for a co-worker, my kids were small, and I felt like a lost ball in the high grass. I developed issues much like you ascribed to M in the early pages of your journal: shyness, insecurity, awkwardness, lack of confidence, etc. And I'm sure all of that previously existed to some extent, but became even more pronounced. Toss in rushing too fast too soon into relationships and get bonus points for performance anxiety!

 

Suffice it to say, I've been in M's shoes and it wasn't fun.

 

Take care of yourself. It sounds like he's kicked it into Hyper-Clinger Mode.

[browneyedgirl36]

I think this is the reason she should not communicate further. She already told him to stop talking her. He's just trying to break her down.

 

Ah...I didn't realize she had told him this; I saw the posts where he was talking about taking her out for dinner, and she was responding to his texts -- I thought she was still in sporadic contact with him and didn't realize she had told him already not to contact any more.

[reinventmyself]

The final thing I did say to him was. . do not contact me any further.

As he continued to blow up my phone in the middle of my work day, I added - I will not longer respond to any texts.

And then I blocked him.

I would write him and email but he's not very pc savy. He has an email account tied to his phone and rarely if ever reads anything on it.

I'd have to contact him again just to tell him to read it. I don't think I need to say anything further.

 

Add in blocking him 4 different ways and not responded to the vm at work. But I may consider unblocking him to send him a text to reiterate what I've already asked but maybe in one final clear way.

Not sure. . I'll see how today goes.

 

I did ultimately listen to the vm message before I left work. He wants to arrange to drop off my beach chair on my porch and retrieve his house key. It's apparent bait. I can buy a new chair and mail him the key.

I am concerned however he may show up. Probably not a smart move on his part and he may think twice considering he could run into my 6'4" son. He's not here this weekend, but M doesn't know this.

I don't think he poses any physical danger but as BEG mentioned, its the emotional upheaval I am trying to avoid.

 

Weird as I sit here this morning. . there is that void from no longer having a partner every weekend. But I don't miss him.

That may change. .I just think his acting out scared me enough ruin any good feelings I may have had for him

Time to get busy. . Thanks for the responses!!

[reinventmyself]

The breakup of my marriage was a real kick in the gut. My ex left me for a co-worker, my kids were small, and I felt like a lost ball in the high grass. I developed issues much like you ascribed to M in the early pages of your journal: shyness, insecurity, awkwardness, lack of confidence, etc. And I'm sure all of that previously existed to some extent, but became even more pronounced. Toss in rushing too fast too soon into relationships and get bonus points for performance anxiety!

 

Suffice it to say, I've been in M's shoes and it wasn't fun.

 

 

 

Take care of yourself. It sounds like he's kicked it into Hyper-Clinger Mode.

 

Thank you Larkin. . break ups break you. .

Hope you are past that or well on your way!

[browneyedgirl36]

I you've already told him not to contact you, then definitely don't contact again. I would send his key in the mail with a note saying simply: "Here's the key. Keep the chair."

 

Just keep not responding. Eventually, he'll give up.

[Larkin]

Thank you Larkin. . break ups break you. .

Hope you are past that or well on your way!

 

Thank you. Breakups do break you, even more so when young children are involved. Funny, even though I didn't initiate the divorce, I still felt a tremendous amount of guilt over it. Go figure. But, all of that is well in the past. Time truly is a healer.

 

Hope everything goes well for you.

[reinventmyself]

uhg . .It doesn't matter who ends it, it's still an ending and readjustment is challenging.

However, I am thankful because it's not as difficult as my past experiences.

Mornings are difficult . . feels like free falling and not sure what to do with myself.

I am fortunate that I have a large circle of friends. But these friends aren't used to me being available and have settled into their routines. Trying to jump back in the cycle doesn't feel natural.

I did see some friends Friday night, yesterday and may go to movie with a friend today.

I feel as if I am pushing myself. . Maybe afraid if I sit still long enough I might actually feel the disappointment. So tired of saying good bye to people. I should be good at it by now

I sit here and imagine all the fun things we'd be doing if we were together. He was a great activity partner, but not an emotionally available partner.

M mentioned in one of his vm's that he wanted to drop off my beach chair today because he will be in the area. He's also asked for the key to his house. But honest to god, I can't find it. I used it once months ago and haven't seen it since. I don't know how to tell him this. No doubt it will sound suspicious but I have no control over his take on it. . It is what it is.

Considering leaving a note sharing this info with him. . or pretending I didn't listen to the vm all together.

Thinking out loud. . . I guess the note is best.

No explanation and no key may invite him to try to contact me some more.

I guess I should go look for the key some more. . honestly, I can't imagine where the dang thing is.

One foot in front of the other. . .

[browneyedgirl36]

I suggest taking a finite amount of time -- maybe 30 minutes -- to look for the key. Then, if you can't find it, leave him a note on your front door (in case he stops by), saying "M, thanks for bringing back the chair. At present, I can't find your key, but I will put it in the mail to you when I do." (Or, you might change the "when" to "if.") It's not like you're the type to break into his house, but if he's that anxious about it, he can go change his locks.

[testcase]

I'm glad you ended this and you're moving on. You never seemed quite sold on things. I know it can be hard and I'm sure there were a bunch of things you liked about him... but now you get to focus on yourself and finding someone better suited for you! Hopefully he hasn't been contacting you anymore!

[reinventmyself]

Along with the key M asked for, he also requested his bike lock back. I found a beach towel of his as well.

 

I figure if he's making the trip, Ill make it worth his while. I left a note about not finding the key, thanking him for returning the beach chair and asked him to leave his address so I could mail the key if I came accross it.

 

I came home to see he took the lock and towel and didn't leave the chair, nor did he leave his address on the note.

 

This means this man went through the trouble to drive 20 miles to my home, park his car and get a chair out of his trunk, walk around the complex to my front courtyard, just to walk the chair back to his car and put it back in his trunk.

 

I can only imagine he thinks this is a game because this is his way of operating. Not mine. It's so juvenile. Plus this whole thing ended over his repeated attempts to teach me a lesson. Not sure why I am surprised.

 

Uhg. .Surely he realizes I can buy a $25 beach chair. He can keep it as a constant reminder.

 

I need to thank him for reminding me why we aren't together.

[reinventmyself]

I have friend whom we email back and forth from work at times. She's my voice sanity at times. . I sent this to her this morning:

 

. . I am having a hard time

I had another go around with Mark.

When I unblocked the FB messenger to ask him about my beach chair Sunday (I know, stupid me!! . he didn’t leave the chair to get a reaction out of me and it worked) I find out after the fact I can't block him again for 48 hours.

 

I endure 48hrs of nonsense which I ignored. He was intense and impulsive and seemed a little desperate, so I cave and asked if he was willing to have a face to face (because honestly all this electronic stuff is so juvenile and goes nowhere) He was actually quiet for a little while. . only to come back again and break up with me. Which is kind shocking and comical at the same time seeing we aren't together for him to break up with me anyway.

 

I feel like bowling pins he’s been desperately trying to set up just so he can kick them down in order to feel better, over and over. `Come back, go away. I feel so foolish that I open myself up to this one last time.

I am able to block him as of yesterday so instead he leaves me a voicemail at my work wanting to talk. At this point he’s just irrational and unhinged and honestly I feel a little unsafe. Yes, I ignored the VM.

 

I found him on Match the other day, he said he was looking for me. . It’s possible. . hell anything is possible.

How is it these guys can replace me so easily? So last night and this morning he’s on Match shopping away. He’s all volatile and kooky right now and looking for a date? How do you do that??

 

I already know what you'll say. . Don't look, silly! Effective immediately. . no looking! Any discomfort from this point on is my own doing.

 

I know the rational part of me knows this isn’t about me but about his insecurity.

But the emotional side of me is still offended and hurt and a little unnerved that this is my dating pool and what he’ll be like for his next lady friend. I know. . not my problem.

I just want to stay mad and disgusted and not care.

But it still hurts. .

Not sure what I did to deserve this. .but at the same time this keeps happening to me. .

 

Thanks for listening. . ugh. .

I may never date again.

[notalady]

Not sure what I did to deserve this. .but at the same time this keeps happening to me. .

 

It helps to remember that it didn't happen to you, you made the choices to date him and remember the red flags you did see but ignored (much like I did with Z). And again remember you made choices to unblock him and engaged in conversations again, even suggesting to meet face to face, therefore subjecting yourself to more nonsense from M.

 

Remembering these not to feel bad about your choices, but to realise it happened not because it keeps happening to you, you keep making wrong choices, but if you know that, next time you can make the right choices and it won't happen anymore

[reinventmyself]

It helps to remember that it didn't happen to you, you made the choices to date him and remember the red flags you did see but ignored (much like I did with Z). And again remember you made choices to unblock him and engaged in conversations again, even suggesting to meet face to face, therefore subjecting yourself to more nonsense from M.

 

Remembering these not to feel bad about your choices, but to realise it happened not because it keeps happening to you, you keep making wrong choices, but if you know that, next time you can make the right choices and it won't happen anymore

 

Thanks NL. .I've learned these lessons before and can see myself as I trip up and recognize my responsibility. Unfortunately there are at times a disconnect between recognizing and acting on it. .

 

Correct and recorrect. . always a work in progress.

[notalady]

Correct and recorrect. . always a work in progress.

 

Exactly! Things will only get better because you are learning and applying what you learned all the time!

 

I feel like I have learned so much after dating Z and much more in-tune with my instincts to not only identify red flags, but follow it. Of course I paid for it with 6 months of my time and pain but it's well worth it to me. That means I only wasted 6 months rather than years if I hadn't learned this and married the wrong guy.

 

I see your experience the same way

[Ms Darcy]

"Not sure what I did to deserve this ..."

 

I humbly submit deserve what? If on a real, inner level you wanted to truly walk away, he would have stayed blocked. (I don't get how people these days block and unblock constantly.)

 

He's not all bad and you are not all good and for whatever reason you two are feeding something unhealthy in each other. So, if you want to start to move away from these toxic connections, go permanent no contact. FEEL the pain and suffering of it. Be lonely and write out how THAT feels.

[reinventmyself]

You're right. Its an attempt to circumvent the bad feelings and, no I truly didn't want to just walk away.

Most break ups are not black and white.

It's a process of working on the knowledge and acceptance of what it is and the flicker of hope of what you wanted it to be.

I'm not going to beat myself up for it because I cracked a door open to see what's there only to reaffirm I'm on the right track.

Unnessary drama? Absolutely!

No more second guessing, yes.

[Larkin]

I found him on Match the other day, he said he was looking for me. . It’s possible. . hell anything is possible.

How is it these guys can replace me so easily? So last night and this morning he’s on Match shopping away. He’s all volatile and kooky right now and looking for a date? How do you do that??[/Quote]

 

He's being a good example of the old saying, "Women grieve, men replace".

[reinventmyself]

He's being a good example of the old saying, "Women grieve, men replace".

I suppose. As much as it doesn't surprise me I never get used to it.

I guess the part the irks me is he proclaimed he was always more in love then I was. There's some truth to that I suppose because he couldn't allow me to know him enough to love him. It was like trying to warm up to a mud fence.

So if he was so in love as he proclaimed how is it he can move on so quickly.

Uhg, no need to answer

I already know. . Just venting.