Another online daing journal

[WithLove]

Well, sounds like you need to compartmentalize then. For intellectual conversations and activities, you'll need to feed into friends and family that you know you can share these things with. For example, I'm dating a guy that is in love with music in all its properties, and I think he's finding it a little difficult sometimes that I don't care for music very much and can't even hold a tune or rhythm. He is so enthusiastic about songs that I'll listen to them with him because I know it's important to him - but I don't take part in discussions really, because I don't understand it. But, we have other hobbies and interests that we share where we work really well together. So, I know he shares his passion with music with others, and he and I just do other things that we love together.

[notalady]

I think Mark does sound like a great partner and you are right to give this a proper chance considering what you've described of the dating market in your age group.

 

Funny what you said about wrong use of words, would it have helped if English wasn't his first language? It's my second language and even though I'm more than fluent and some tell me I speak and write better than some Aussies (in context of where I am), I still have moments of wrong choice of words, or using the wrong tense, or pronounce something wrong, some of which are pretty funny. Like once instead if saying whiskers, I said "cat beard" because whiskers wasn't the first word that came to mind, or "running machine" instead of treadmill, or once I didn't know how to say "Nepal" and it came out sounding like "nipple" lol! My friends just think it's funny and we have a laugh. Since he had learning problems when he was young, perhaps that has affected his language capacity and volcabulary, one could argue that it's as if it's not his first language. If you tell him a word, will he remember it next time? If so, I don't think it's that much of a problem, it's always a learning process in the language department, for someone whose English proficiency wasn't the best as a youngster whether because it's not their first language or because they had a learning disability.

 

Have you tried asking for his opinion on various world events, issues, politics etc? If so, what does he generally say? I remember thinking Z is too simple and we never had intellectual discussions. Then I remembered that i used to have more of those discussions with my ex only because he's so opinionated and would always initiate those conversations (which actually became annoying and boring after a while lol), and Z doesn't. So one day I just asked him, what do you think about this issue? And we ended up having a political discussion and it was great.

 

What about deeper discussions about feelings and personal stuff, which you may not share with others? I get that if your discussion is always on a superficial level it's hard to feel connected.

[reinventmyself]

Spent another nice weekend with M.

I went with him to buy a car (for him) It became clear to me that I may have underestimated his learning disability and at times he seemed on track with the salesman and other times a little lost. I had to explain things to him a couple times.

Aaaargh. . For the past few months our weekends usually include my friends or his but this weekend it was just the two to of us.

As I had feared being alone the connection and chemistry is lacking . . along with conversations as well. The sex isn't the best. . but a work in progress.

I was left confused and frustrated when he left yesterday and I was home alone to think this through.

 

I feel an attachment to someone I doubt I will fall in love with in time. I am frozen at the thought of letting him go. I wrestle with the knowledge that I tend to want things back after I have lost them. I am also frozen with the thought of disappointing him.

I feel as I am trying so hard to make this into something it's not. .

As I am curled up on the couch last night alone, my recent ex, whom I have been NC with in almost one year (4/14) texts me. UNCANNY!!. .I have said it before and will again. Ex's have some sort of radar. I am convinced!

Though he was controlling and emotionally abusive, I still miss the good parts of him . .the good was really good, the bad was really bad. . And NO I would never go back.

But he caught me at a bad moment. My life full of bad choices in men flash before me.

 

Nothing else to do but throw this up to the Gods and see where it lands.

So for today. . . I do nothing.

I am back at work after an absence taking care of my mom . .just burying myself in work.

aka (head in the sand)

[browneyedgirl36]

I've been reading your thread, and I agree that you seem to be trying too hard to make yourself feel something for Mark. He sounds like a decent guy overall, but...do you really want to settle for someone when the chemistry isn't there, when the intellectual connection isn't there, and when you're really just NOT feeling it overall?

 

I'm a bit younger than you (going on 45), but I couldn't imagine settling for someone that I didn't feel was on par with me intellectually. In fact, when a friend had someone she wanted to introduce me to recently (who I am now, in fact, dating), she asked me what I look for in a guy and the first two things I said (aside from "is employed at a respectable job") were intelligence and sense of humor (as well as emotional stability and availability). The guy she introduced me to is really smart, and when I met him for coffee the first time, I was really nervous. Once he opened his mouth and started talking and I realized just how smart and how funny he is (and how the two things are sort of intertwined with him), I was SO relieved. He's not my usual "type" looks-wise (he's shorter, blonder, and paler than what I normally go for), but....I think he's adorable, and I am definitely looking forward to exploring the chemistry with him. If he weren't so smart and funny, I'd find him difficult to talk to, and being able to have meaningful conversation with a man is HUGE for me in terms of attraction. Yes, I can get that with my friends, and I do, but....it's really wonderful to be able to have that with a partner.

 

Anyway...You've given this quite some time already, and it doesn't seem to be getting better -- it just seems like you're trying harder to convince yourself that he's a good partner for you because he's so nice, caring, stable, etc. If you're not feeling it, though, you're not feeling it, and it's fair to either of you to prolong things if you can't ultimately see a future with him. It seems like you're taking a very passive "wait and see" stance on this, but...I think you'll find that doing that isn't going to make things magically turn to where he is the perfect man for you.

 

Anyway, keep us posted.

[reinventmyself]

"" It seems like you're taking a very passive "wait and see" stance on this, but...I think you'll find that doing that isn't going to make things magically turn to where he is the perfect man for you.""

 

Thank you browneyedgirl .well put. .

 

I just need to wrap my head around this for a day or two. Passive, probably. Just not something I can do right now, not without some thought.

[reinventmyself]

I see M tonight.

I haven't seen him since Sunday. I've also been experiencing a lot of anxiety these past few days. I have a hard time pin pointing what's causing it but what I've learned, it's typically due to something I may be avoiding. . (thx to years of therapy

 

I've talked to a couple friends about this. . they think I should hang in a little longer.

The more I voice it out loud the more I feel conflicted. Talking about it should help . ..but it confuses me more.

 

I've had a guy I met just before M keep in touch sporadically. His schedules been opposite mine so dating him never really got off the ground. He now has a new schedule and wants to see me. I am tempted but for integrity reasons I can't.

I can't help but wonder if it would help me or confuse me.

 

I also met someone a couple weeks ago who's been asking about me through a friend. That and ghosts from the past. .yet another one reaching out since the first one Sunday.

. . eh. .no wonder I feel anxious.

 

I think I should spend some time alone. . honestly.

[WithLove]

If it's any help - I voiced my concerns about someone I had dated a couples time, and every person agreed I should give it more time and keep seeing him. But in the end, I knew I just couldn't see myself having a relationship with him, so I ended it. It turned out for the better, since the man I met after him is now my boyfriend.

 

Sometimes you just know what's not right for you, even if it seems right for everyone else.

[reinventmyself]

again. . just finished lunch with a coworker/friend.

she asked how things were going and cautioned me to not end this and give it more time. .

she knows my history well and reminds me how I've been attracted to not so nice men and a good one comes along, who's not perfect and I am ready to sabotage.

some truth to this. . .but doesn't change the chemistry and whom we are attracted to but if I am attracted to controlling men .. (attracted and ultimately disgusted by). .I just want off the crazy train.

[browneyedgirl36]

again. . just finished lunch with a coworker/friend.

she asked how things were going and cautioned me to not end this and give it more time. .

she knows my history well and reminds me how I've been attracted to not so nice men and a good one comes along, who's not perfect and I am ready to sabotage.

some truth to this. . .but doesn't change the chemistry and whom we are attracted to but if I am attracted to controlling men .. (attracted and ultimately disgusted by). .I just want off the crazy train.

 

I totally understand -- because, with my last ex, I was definitely on the "crazy train" and have had a history myself of being involved with wishy-washy types who weren't entirely sure they wanted to be with me, but....getting off the "crazy train" doesn't have to mean settling for someone with whom you have little or no chemistry. I understand the impulse, especially as we get older, to settle down and not have to keep dating, but...I promised myself I'd be single for as long as it took to find someone who is not only decent, stable and normal (i.e. opposite of crazy train ex), but who is ALSO someone I feel chemistry with. It's early for me with my new guy, but so far, BOTH of those things are there. If he hadn't come along, though, I'd have remained single (despite being hit up by an old ex from years ago who REALLY wanted to date me again but with whom I felt no significant chemistry, so I declined).

 

I think friends are very inclined to tell you to "wait and see" because they want to see you settled and happy with someone, but....how long are you willing to wait and see? I think you should probably set a time limit for yourself -- sooner than later -- so that neither of you gets in too deep in case you realize you need to break it off. Sounds like he already is in deep, though, so regardless of when you do it, it will be difficult if you decide you have to.

 

Our friends mean well, but...our own feelings and intuition (especially the latter) tend to guide us much more effectively at times.

[reinventmyself]

It's been a while since I updated this. . I knew I was just repeating myself and wanted to wait until something changed or broke lose.

Mark and I had a disagreement last Friday and he left right after dinner. We talked the next day and tho in retrospect the conflict was minor but what was

more important was the way we handled it. Both are runners. When things get challenging you run.

 

Funny how a conflict can bring you closer. So I am seeing him a little differently as of late. There is some depth to him I hadn't seen and even tho the passiveness and shyness is something I still wrestle with, I am appreciating the all the other parts of him that more than make up for it.

 

Sexually we are becoming more comfortable with each other so that area is definitely improving as well.

 

My ex of a year ago has been in contact a couple times recently. Last Sunday, funny how he was on my mind because we would watch golf together and here I was watching the Masters with Mark. After Mark left B started to text. Apparently I had been on his mind as well. This time a little more flirtatious and familiar than the last time. . I hustled him off my phone

 

I flashed through my 3 years with B and tho there were so many things I loved about him, in the end he was calculating, mean and controlling.

 

Such a contrast to Mark, who I appreciate so much more. Even more today.

 

I also tend to be fickle. . .so we'll see how long this lasts. .

[notalady]

Glad you are seeing different sides of Mark and appreciate that. Sounds like things are on the right track

[reinventmyself]

We are approaching 4 months and I for one wouldn't have betted on us getting this far. I've had some time to reflect on why things have shifted and what has kept me from letting this go.

The more I develop feelings for M the more he relaxes and shows himself to me. It's been such a slow process, but worth it.

 

I am certain my attraction in the past for arrogant and controlling men influences me for as much as I don't want to be with a man with such characteristics, it has been intrinsic to what I have been attracted to.

 

So M's gentleness swings to the far opposite end for me and as much as he has been passive at times, it doesn't feel that way so much now. While he becomes more comfortable with me he is capable of enforcing boundaries with me (and others) and is capable of telling me no at times, which is such a relief.

I've also watched him distance himself from a friend and set boundaries with him over something he didn't care for. . I am seeing much more of a gentle 'Man's man' that is slowly becoming so much more attractive to me.

 

I also recognize how in the past my tolerance for time together with my partner was so short lived. A heavy dose of togetherness caused me to want to retreat and regroup. I was thinking that maybe I had become too independent at this point and taking a relationship to another level and even living together was just not going to be in the cards for me.

 

M's easy nature doesn't cause that . . He's so easy to be around and I am starting to miss him when we aren't together.

 

I compare that to my last serious relationship and it's no wonder I wanted to get away and hide. . I always assumed it was just me.

[notalady]

I'm so pleased to hear things are going well reinventmyself!!

 

It's great that M is starting to relax and just be himself. It seems to work that way when one person is a lot more emotionally invested than the other at the start. It's good to see things balancing out now!

[reinventmyself]

I'm so pleased to hear things are going well reinventmyself!!

 

It's great that M is starting to relax and just be himself. It seems to work that way when one person is a lot more emotionally invested than the other at the start. It's good to see things balancing out now!

 

 

Thanks NL . .Nice to see yours evolving as well!!

[reinventmyself]

I just reread this entire thread and wanted to touch on the intellectual part. I don't know if I can put it in words let alone put my finger on it. . M may not be intellectual in the typical sense. I think he has limitations on how to articulate things but it isn't due to a lack of understanding. It's as if something may be short wired there. I am watching him and he's very intuitive with a sharp sense of humor. . Very capable in every way except when it comes to articulating certain things. .hard to explain. So complex things don't get past him! If you hear him speak you might think otherwise at times.

It's kind of a contradiction. .

[reinventmyself]

My ex of one year has been in contact with me recently. One year, 4/27 to be exact.

That was one of my more difficult break ups. I pictured my future with him and in the end it was as if he was two different people. Or most likely me splitting him in half so I could justify staying.

I felt so betrayed. I fell in love with this nice gentle fun man who in the end was calculating, intolerant, condescending and controlling with a temper.

 

For the past week I've come into work every morning with a good morning email like old times and at times we email back and forth during the course of the day.

Last night I got a good night text.

Him acting as if nothing's happened. .an entire year later. And me so easily willing to block out the bad parts of him and our relationship history.

 

My last conversation with him, he asked to friends . . my sarcastic response was 'maybe in a year'. Did he count the days?

What does he want and does it matter? Why don't I come right out and ask?

 

One of the things we used to do is ride his motorcycle. Long trips through the foothills and along the coast.

For Christmas he bought a beautiful leather jacket and gloves that I left at his house the day I walked out when he wasn't looking and never went back.

 

That break up pushed me back into therapy. Did I not learn anything from my marriage? He made my exH look like a boy scout

But I grieved that ending for months.

 

So why do I engage him? I guess much like my ex H I hope to hear those words. .`I - am - sorry' "I was wrong and treated you poorly".

 

But this will never happen after all they are both narcissists.

 

He's asked me to come for a ride on Sunday. Of course I won't go but part of me wants to. I didn't tell him yes and I haven't told him no.

Actually I've been sick and I am using this as my excuse. (feeling fine today)

I haven't told him I am seeing someone . . He hasn't asked.

I guess I like the attention . .There you go . . .a small moment that isn't pretty.

 

I still wrestle with the 2 B's. . one I still miss and think of. .And the other B, who I won't be in the same room with . . ever.

I had to dig out my journal of the 4 full pages of mean, odd things he said to me that either were hurtful, confusing, scary or just plain thru me off balance.

Frantically digging through my closet the other night looking for that pink journal I wrote in a year ago.

There it was. . I carry it to work with me now.

 

Yet, I get to go home tonight and see M. . Easy, steady, uncomplicated M.

 

Is it 5 oclock yet?

[reinventmyself]

Creeping up on 5 months and things continue to get better.

 

My insecurities are starting to creep up as well. . as expected when I become attached, I am afraid of losing someone.

 

We had an incident that flared up his most recent ex gf when she caught wind of me on FB. I'll save all the details but she tried a few different ways, including friending one of my friends and friend requesting me in an attempt to find things out about me. When that didn't pan out she contacted Mark and was overly aggressive and hostile which might suggest she isn't quite over him. Coincidently, someone painted the side of his truck the following morning. Luckily it was house paint so it came off rather easily. Hmmmm

 

I waiting a couple weeks before I said anything about them still being FB friends. What I did say was that if an ex of mine in anyway tried to create drama I would defriend him so quick it would make your head spin. After all I did pull a few left over pictures of my ex when he asked why I still had them on there.

 

(I feel like I am high school) With that comment he pulled out his phone and defriended her. I don't know exactly if he saw it the same way I did and I guess I wish he had thought to do so on his own and not because of my comment. I could tell he wasn't comfortable about the discussion or defriending her .. so now I am second guessing myself.

 

We spent the nice weekend together and today it's back to work.

He did leave a little earlier than usual so I could spend time with my mother and my sons yesterday.

 

Last night and today he's pretty quiet and my insecurities are ramping up.

I am tossing thoughts around and trying to find some balance. He tends to be introverted and I notice that he does get a little quiet when he leaves after a long weekend. No doubt trying to find his balance as well. It's hard to go from 2 1/2 days together to almost silence.

 

He has also started a new job that is much more demanding.

The honeymoon has passed and all the little texts and smiley faces are fading away. . AND with that . .he just text me. ha!

I can see why I can be a hold out while dating not wanting to cross over into relationship land. .

 

I hate these insecure moments when you realize that something you value is never really yours to have. .just to borrow on occasion.

Basically, I don't like Mondays

 

Funny how in a couple days of being away from each other I will detach and swing to my uber dependent side and question whether I can be in a relationship.

[testcase]

Well it sounds like things are going awesome. Haha it's hilarious to me that things have gone from you questioning your feelings... to now questioning things he's doing. It seems like you two have flip flopped!!! Though with that said I'm sure he's still crazy about you. He's just gotten more comfortable which is something that took you a lot longer than him.

 

Well it sounds like good stuff keep us updated. A little jealousy isn't a bad thing. Don't let it take over! ;D

[notalady]

Sounds like our relationships have followed somewhat similar paths lol, I wonder if relationships that start out with one party more interested than the other just goes through this "balancing out" phase, but that doesn't mean that he is now less interested.

 

I think it's natural that you feel a bit insecure - because you care and that makes you feel vulnerable, and that's perfectly ok.

 

Has his behaviour changed at all other than less texting?

[reinventmyself]

Sounds like our relationships have followed somewhat similar paths lol, I wonder if relationships that start out with one party more interested than the other just goes through this "balancing out" phase, but that doesn't mean that he is now less interested.

 

I think it's natural that you feel a bit insecure - because you care and that makes you feel vulnerable, and that's perfectly ok.

 

Has his behaviour changed at all other than less texting?

 

Thanks Testcase and Notalady!

 

I guess his behavior has changed. . probably because he's a lot more comfortable around me. . . or maybe it's just that I see a different side of him. He actually looks different to me in a lot of ways.

I think back to the way he was when we first started dating and I it still makes sense, all my reservations and slow start with fits and spurts.

 

But aside from him being reserved outwardly, inwardly he's a strong, capable man with incredible integrity. He's consistently positive and generous to others and myself.

I have a great admiration for him and I can't say I have felt that way about other men I have dated. We are all human and make mistakes, but M has managed to life his life according to his plan and he's managed to take the high ride when adversity strikes.

 

If catch myself saying something negative or complaining about something like work and I can tell though he patiently listens, it's just not in his nature to look at the negative side of things.

It causes me to check myself. . and try to not focus on the trivial petty things.

Let's say he brings out the best in me. .

[reinventmyself]

 

Has his behaviour changed at all other than less texting?

 

oh I just reread this. . I can't say his behavior has changed in the negative sense. Everything was fine during our time together.

 

He has had a pattern in the past that when he's alone he starts to contemplate things and brings them up later which catches me off guard. . Because during out time together you would have never guessed there was something brewing. So when he goes home and gets quiet it tends to give me that nervous `now what?' feeling. Add in the conversation about the ex gf and FB. He commented that deleting her would probably provoke her again. I can bet if she does he won't mention it. He tends to have a very low tolerance for drama. Or maybe zero is a better term

 

Just unlike him to not text with all the lovely dovey texting stuff. . but then again. .that pace can be hard to maintain,.

 

But so far this morning. .he seems back on track.

I really think there is something to be said about being an introvert and needing the space to feel balance after the together time. I tend to be this way.

 

. . .and I have followed your journal . . it is similar in some ways ;}

[reinventmyself]

The ex bf of 3 yrs keeps contacting me. .via email during work. . .Yes. .I allow it.

 

Why do entertain this? .curiosity, unfinished business. . wishing he would take responsibility for his actions and apologize. Not that it would change anything.

 

So ultimately he wants to be `friends'. Enough time has passed I can do this.

But I have friends I talk to occasionally, I may even wish them happy birthday. But my friends don't contact me several times a day (email) and get frustrated when I won't make time for them.

 

I am taking him at his word that it's friendship he wants but his actions scream `let's pretend nothings happened and pick up where we left off'.

So I carry on doing exactly what feels right for me. . Friends, period. Merry F'n Christmas.

 

He's called a few times and I haven't picked up. Last night I did.

I never got to say all the things I wanted to say him . .Probably explains why I haven't answered because I knew I wouldn't be able to talk to him without vomiting all the unsaid conversations I had with him without the benefit with him being in the same room.

 

2 hours later and it's past my bedtime, midsentence I hustle him off the phone.

I snuck up slowly on some historical items and by the end of the 2 hours I didn't hold back on anything. .anything.

I got an apology after I spoon fed it to him . .I know better that it wasn't sincere, rather telling me what I wanted to hear in an effort to either get what he wanted, relieve his own discomfort, or to get me to shut up.

 

He admits he isn't really looking for friendship . . but misses me and wants to reconcile? . `So why in the hell didn't you fight for me?' . ."A YEAR ago. . not now". .

"Your apology is (sorta) nice but it would of made a difference a year ago, not now. .'

 

I know him all too well . .he's cunning and manipulative and all I am to him today is a game and challenge. Like a cat and a mouse.

[reinventmyself]

I agreed to meet up with the ex . . it was impulsive and I really wanted that `what was I thinking' moment and the spell would be broken.

He's been emailing me since. .

I just sent him this:

 

 

 

So many thoughts go thru mind head since I saw you. . it’s hard to sort them out at the moment. I trust in time the jumbled thoughts will settle and I will have some clarity. At the moment I am all over the map.

 

I had a moment that stopped me in my tracks yesterday. . putting groceries in my car and closing my trunk a voice that made me very sober and really sad at the same time.

 

That if you really loved me and this was soooo important to you, there is no way in Haiti’s you would have risked losing me by letting an entire year pass. . again.

This realization makes me feel foolish . . again.

 

It also gives some me clarity about how I feel about the other person that I am seeing. . That I am not in love with him . .Not the way he needs me to be.

 

Maybe I should just spend some time alone. . I don’t know. You showing up has turned things on its head. . Not sure if I should thank you for this or be mad at you.

 

I am off at 3:00 today and have 4 whole days off. . yippee. . I chose to take Tuesday off because I know I wouldn’t have anyone to play with . The day is dedicated to cleaning out closets and purging. It’s the one thing that stops me from acquiring the home equity loan and doing some upgrades. I can’t imagine the disarray on top of all the unneeded, unused things I have acquired and are cluttering up my space. . . .Perfect timing as I will have some time to get clear with myself.

[WithLove]

How do you feel about your ex? Do you want to see him again? Be friends? More?

[reinventmyself]

I still love my ex. .the good parts of him I miss so much. . but not the controlling part. .That's the deal breaker.

 

I am well schooled in controlling men and it's nothing to brag about. I didn't come this far to be with another one. If that was the case then I'd still be married and my sons would have had an intact family.

 

The ex is not good for me, yet I still love him. (the good parts at the very least)

 

M is good for me in so many ways but I can't help but wonder if his passivity is just a safe space for me. But I don't have that chemistry and connection that I think I should have. Especially noticeable in comparison the chemistry I felt in just a couple hours of visiting with the ex.

 

Sadly we are attracted to what's familiar even if it's bad for us. .and I have a pattern of relationships with controlling men. Good example as why our psyches are so complex and have a habit of toying with us. . and feeling drawn to my ex. . Who bytheway promises me everything will be different. . . .hmmmph