Another online daing journal

[Silverbirch]

I would be miserable with a person like that. I suppose in some ways, my ex G was like that as was R. They could be generous with material things, but I wonder if there was anything else.

[notalady]

Z was the same. Generous with material things but soon you realise that he couldn't give what was emotionally required in a relationship.

[reinventmyself]

I've debated writing this because it's almost embarrassing and I recognize it takes two to dance, so that makes me part of the problem.

 

I am looking forward to this weekend being over because Mark still has a stupid ticket to this damn 3 day concert this weekend and I have a nonrefundable hotel room. After our last go around I thought I killed the issue, but apparently not for him.

 

Sunday he calls and I let it go to vm. Tickets are still on sale and he's making one last attempt to see if Ill go with him.

Much like before with him doing all the break up games . . when he says no to something, I hold him to it.

I had offered to discuss it and go as friends some time ago and he said no. He didn't want to go as `friends'.

Even having said this, I wasn't at all surprised by his call.

 

Now he wants to go. He says he wants to go as friends and therefore we would have an opportunity to talk.

My head's about to explode.

 

Me: "Let me get this straight, you are offering me the very things you said no to when I offered them? Not to mention based on my experiences with you I have no reason to believe you would or could ever communicate with me. Besides, it was important to me to talk before we go, not when we are 5 hours from home"

No. .I'm not interested."

 

He starts in on old history and now the reason we aren't together isn't because 'I am afraid to get married'. . He now makes the mistake of telling me `I have issues with showing my feelings'

He tells me, had I not had an issue with `expressing my feelings` he would have shared more about himself.

(anyone who knows me knows I will speak my mind and I am more than likely prone to overshare. I told my mother what he said, she busted up laughing)

 

I responded. "it's sort of like asking me to buy a house, but I have to commit to it buying it before I am allowed to look inside,. .

"Look Mark, life doesn't work that way. You wanted some sort of guarantee that someone would be madly in love with you before you even begin to show up emotionally or otherwise'. "

"You show up, tell people who you are and from there people get to decide how they feel about you, not the other way around"

"You told me early on that you move slow and it would take time. It never happened and the opportunity has long passed"

"But again . .If it makes you feel better to pin this on me that I have some sort of mysterious character flaw, then go right head"

"As for me, I just want off the crazy train. I thought we could be friends, but I was mistaken, it's time to move on"

 

Mind you I am in the middle of a department store and have to go outside to have this conversation.

I say my good byes and he has a tantrum, makes goodbye threats, the typical.

From there I finish my errands and he's texting me the whole time. I go to dinner with my son and his gf. . he's texting and calling.

He's asking me if he should move on too. . I don't respond to such a silly question. We've been over for exactly 3 months now.

 

Yesterday morning 6 am he calls!. .I let it go to VM. ."You never answered my question. So this is how it'll be . .blah, blah!" I delete it before it gets to the end.

He then texts me while Im in the shower to call him during my carpool. Uhhm, no!

Not having a personal conversation with a volatile person sitting in a car with someone else. I turn my phone off.

Get into work and spend the entire morning in meetings.

I turn my phone on after lunch. Yet another vm stating that " you have had sufficient time to talk to me but you chose not to . .so . ." (implied threat) that I deleted before I could hear it. Seriously??!

 

For all the times I invited this man to have an adult one on one and he never showed and created drama to avoid it. I didn't throw a fit, I just let him walk and didn't hear from him for at least a week. I didn't call nor harass him! When we would speak again it was because he contacted me.

 

But for me. .while I am in a store, with my family, in the shower, carpool and work meetings I've been given sufficient time?! It always ends with an implied threat.

He's still that 5 year old who's taking their toys and going home and wanting to be chased.

 

I know very little about psychology and human nature but enough to know I shouldn't be surprised he would pick the most inappropriate times for me to respond.

Because according to him, I failed. I was never supposed to win to begin with. But he'll never recognize this.

 

I didn't think I had to block my phone again but I did.

I thought we were passed this.

Good grief, 3 months of this is long enough.

I am not so much mad at him .. but mad at myself that I still engaged this nonsense. Checking myself. .

[notalady]

Reinvent, I was mad at you too reading this

 

Jokes aside, it has long past the time of cutting him off completely (blocking etc), but better late than never. Why are you still trying to reason with him, he clearly doesn't understand, if he did you wouldn't had split up in the first place. It's no longer your job to explain to him how it works or why you broke up or even calling him out on his bs, it's none of your business anymore.

 

Also big mistake thinking you could be friends. Taking a step back, did you really want to be friends with a passive aggressive person like that?

 

Z sent me 3 messages/emails, after breaking up, about one a month, first suggesting friendship, and soon revealing his true intention to ask for another chance, second contact was similar, except this time he tried to guilt me about not having wished him happy birthday, I really wanted to defend myself and explain why on earth would I do that when we've broken up? But I didn't, I just blocked him on message. Third time, long email asking for another chance and asked me to let him know if I had "fully moved on", as if the silence for the last 3 months didn't speak for itself.

 

Each time, despite how much I wanted to call him out on how manipulative and dishonest he is, how little respect I had left for him and tell him how it would never work and things would never change (since he promised change), I simply responded with "thanks for your email, I don't want to try again. And prefer to not keep in touch with an ex. All the best." It was no longer my business whether he understands anything about anything.

 

I didn't block him on email before but I've done that too after the last contact. I really don't need to get all riled up whenever he decides to throw an email my way. And now I am at peace, knowing I'll likely never hear from him again.

 

I think you need to give yourself that peace, by cutting him out of your life completely.

[reinventmyself]

Thanks. Everything you say is true.

I also know that even the very fact that I have reaction to it means I am still in the loop.

I thought we could be friends. Honestly I don't really see him or talk to him. . outside of this nonsense.

Factor in I never really felt more than a friendship with him to begin with. It seemed easy from the onset.

It still pushes my buttons. . obviously. I used to be much better at this . . dunno.

I guess I have some unresolved frustrations about it that I need to work out on my own.

By trying to show him the error of his ways isn't helping anyone.

[notalady]

It still pushes my buttons. . obviously. I used to be much better at this . . dunno.

I guess I have some unresolved frustrations about it that I need to work out on my own.

By trying to show him the error of his ways isn't helping anyone.

 

It's hard not to give a reaction once you decide to engage. It still pisses me off when Z contacts me, everything he said in his emails/messages made me angry, which is why I thought I really don't need this in my life, I needed to stop this completely.

 

I can understand the temptation of showing him the error of his ways, I think as a way of seeking closure/peace, ie if he realises how wrong his behaviour was, maybe then you'll feel at peace and can move on. But you know that will never happen. The only person who can help you work through that anger/frustration and give you that peace is yourself.

[reinventmyself]

I keep saying to myself. `it's like asking a fish to fly'

My way of working towards acceptance. I thought I was there. . guess not.

As always. .thx NL ;]

[notalady]

Hope you get there soon

[reinventmyself]

. . like I said earlier. I am looking forward to the passing of this weekend.

I guess it was that one last tie I had to him. That and my son and his gf bugging me to go to this out of town concert.

Even Sunday night at dinner with them and Mark texting me during dinner.

The two of them were egging me a little. They had good intentions.

It would have so much fun under the right circumstances and I was so looking forward to it.

All the unresolved frusterations bubbled up again.

I suppose I had been twisting around trying to figure out how to go and have a decent time.

Now I don't have to worry about it and can put it away for good.

[notalady]

I hope you have a good time anyway

[reinventmyself]

no .not going now . .

[Silverbirch]

Hi OP, a couple of years ago, I went through similar but less messy. Best thing is not to let yourself answer any of his calls, and after some time, they will stop. This guy was leaving flowers on my doorstep. I had been in lantern relationship. After 10months breakup, he left message on my machine saying he had found his mother passed away. I did answer that one, was kind, but brief. Then he's ringing me wanting me to go in funeral car with him. Said no I couldn't. Rang my from funeral. I managed to stay calm imagining myself talking to an acquaintance who had bee. Through this - kind but emotionally uninvolved. A few days after funeral, Zi went back to not answering any calls, texts, nothing. He got engaged to a woman not long after this who he had been seeing while he wa with me. Full of bull so glad I didn't let myself get roped in for yet another round.

[reinventmyself]

So. . I mentioned earlier I put a profile up. I haven't taken advantage of it, but mostly just look around and see what comes in.

Last week I get a nice email from a man. We've exchange emails (which I typically don't like to do much)

But it seemed like asafe, slow way start.

His last email he included his phone number.

In turn I wrote him an email later that day and gave him my number.

Now there seems to be a standoff.

I emailed last. . He hasn't emailed since.

He offered his number first, and I secondly.

Part of me thinks it's in my court to call him.

The other part of thinks I put forward that last communication so it's his turn.

Too much overthinking. . I know! I am just not good about cold calling a man and not sure if his interest has changed.

I figure if he was interested, he'd call.

But all the men on this forum have opened my eyes to consider their version of these exchanges.

We've gone from emailing twice a day and now it's silent. . day 2 . . hmmm

It makes sense that it's moving to the next level. . phone calls.. . who goes first?

[WithLove]

Did he, at any point, ask you if it was okay for him to call?

 

Honestly, I'd wait for him to email back and I'd expect a "can I call you since I have your number now?" response. Or, I'd at least wait for him to reply to the email, then, instead of replying to that, I'd call. At least then you know he's still present.

[reinventmyself]

Did he, at any point, ask you if it was okay for him to call?

 

Honestly, I'd wait for him to email back and I'd expect a "can I call you since I have your number now?" response. Or, I'd at least wait for him to reply to the email, then, instead of replying to that, I'd call. At least then you know he's still present.

 

That's pretty much my position on it. . thx

[notalady]

What did he say what he offered his number?

[reinventmyself]

He just wrote a long email and at the end - 'here's my number ***-***-****'

I replied the same. . email and said `in return, here's mine'

 

That's it. Silence.

I am not losing sleep over it. Just want to make sure I'm not missing something here. .

[notalady]

I'm just thinking if his message said something like "call/text me on xxx xxx xxx" then I wouldn't mind making the move first, but since he didn't, I agree, just do nothing lol..

[reinventmyself]

. . .well, he just emailed wondering why I didn't call. lol

Just when you think you've got it all figured out!

I pointed out to him that I am not very good at cold calling men~ obviously, but invited him to call or better yet - set up a time that works for both of us.

[reinventmyself]

We did finally chat. Funny how you have a image based on someone's photos

I expected someone a little intense, maybe serious but was surprised by his lightheartedness.

Very nice but swung on the over eager side. He also giggled alot. It was sweet..but..

After my experience with Mark I know I'll be on the look out for insecurities.

I hope Im not hypervigilant about it.

[reinventmyself]

I had a coffee date with someone last night.

He was very nice but a little too effeminate for me.

We had a lot in common but no chemistry.

 

He's out of town next weekend so if I was to go on a date it wouldn't be for a couple weeks.

Between now and then I'll tell him. . no thank you.

 

I am listening to my gut about both these guys but what I notice most if I am relieved that one lives a little too far and the other is out of town for a couple weeks.

It feels as if I hoping for it to fail more than I am hoping for a success.

Probably not the right frame of mind for dating . yah' think? lol

Time to step back again and rethink this.

[WithLove]

I think you're hoping for it to fail with 2 guys that you know you won't be interested in dating. I don't think that's 'not the right frame of mind'... but I do think you're convincing yourself you aren't ready for dating.

 

You know yourself better than any of us, obviously... What do you think you aren't in the right frame of mind?

[reinventmyself]

I think you're hoping for it to fail with 2 guys that you know you won't be interested in dating. I don't think that's 'not the right frame of mind'... but I do think you're convincing yourself you aren't ready for dating.

 

You know yourself better than any of us, obviously... What do you think you aren't in the right frame of mind?

 

Because I am not ready.

And I have a negative association with the whole process.

I don't have a lot of free time so I almost resent giving up time to people that aren't suitable.

I spent entirely too much time with the guy last night. I left my house telling myself `2hr's max!'

That turned into 4 hours. No one to blame but myself! I get that.

I don't mean to sound like I am whining. . Just being brutally honest.

I have two men texting me this morning.

Doesn't thrill me to say the least.

It's not negative per se. . More like it's not a positive experience. Just not right now.

This month of work is brutal. (as I doink around on here during work hours. .lol)

I suppose I should put it off until November or until I see it differently. Which ever comes first.

[WithLove]

Someone said on ENA recently that if it's no longer exciting, then you need to step back and take a break. I think if you're nearly dreading getting messages, it's a good indication that you definitely should take a break. Take a month and focus on you, especially since you're saying you have a hectic work month.

[saluk]

I agree with stepping back. If a guy being a bit nervous and giggling instantly makes you think he may have insecurities - and be as bad as M - it's probably too soon.