Another online daing journal

[notalady]

S and I had our evening phone chat. I am trying not to focus on this but at the same time not ignore it either.

 

As S gets more comfortable with me he is showing this negative side of him. Maybe in a bad mood last night but I've seen a little of this previously and now

I am getting concerned. Even the most routine thing he puts a negative spin on and he seems a little intolerant. Booo. Such a turn off.

 

I've busted him and teased him more than once about the pattern in which discussing friends partners, he tends to refer to each wife, ex or otherwise as crazy or psycho.

It's a little disconcerting.

 

After I hung up I text him a FB picture/quote that says "Behind every crazy b*tch is a sweet girl who just got tired of all the bullsh*t"

He laughed and shared it with his sister.

 

Part of me wants to call him out on the other negativity. The other part of me doesn't want to say anything because he will likely hide if from me.

I'd rather sit back and observe as he gets a little more comfortable and see what he's all about.

 

I don't like men who describe women, whether their partner or ex or their friends' partners or ex's or whoever, as crazy or psycho or any such words. It shows a bias, a lack of understanding and respect for the other gender. It takes two for a relationship, current or past, to become dysfunctional or to fail, and there is always two sides to every story. To call the women crazy or psycho is to blame whatever is or was not working in the relationship on them and none on the guys.

 

Sure, some women do behave irrationally and there's the odd ones who behave in a way that can be described as crazy, but when someone describes all of his friends' wives and ex's using those terms, I highly doubt it's accurate.

[reinventmyself]

I don't like men who describe women, whether their partner or ex or their friends' partners or ex's or whoever, as crazy or psycho or any such words. It shows a bias, a lack of understanding and respect for the other gender. It takes two for a relationship, current or past, to become dysfunctional or to fail, and there is always two sides to every story. To call the women crazy or psycho is to blame whatever is or was not working in the relationship on them and none on the guys.

 

Sure, some women do behave irrationally and there's the odd ones who behave in a way that can be described as crazy, but when someone describes all of his friends' wives and ex's using those terms, I highly doubt it's accurate.

 

Well said.

It swings both ways.

If a woman referred to most men in a negative way it would be safe to assume she possibly had issues with men.

There in lies my growing concern.

[reinventmyself]

While talking to S last night on the phone, I was listening very carefully. He's a little bit of a krumugin . .is that a word?

Almost a playful sort of complainer. .this concerned me.

 

But as I listen to him and then describes his actions and from what I've seen him do, he's very gentle and caring.

He's staying with his mother and while she has some dementia, it's really challenging for him and the rest of the family. Though he spews about how crazy it makes him, he's taking her everywhere and waiting on her tenderly. It's almost as if he protests too much and doesn't want to show he's really not as tough as he'd like one to believe, but rather more of a softy.

 

He goes on about the grandkids making him crazy but I know for fact he can't get enough of them and was broken hearted when they moved out of state.

 

I am now trying to take his noise so literally. It's actually a little comical if I look at it differently

 

The jury is still out.

 

He flies home tonight and I go south tomorrow for two days. It will be the first time we've spent more than 24 hours together.

[reinventmyself]

What was supposed to be 48 hours ended up as 72. It was a nice weekend but stretching my togetherness tolerance a little but all in all a good weekend.

We met downtown NYE at the train station and went to dinner in this quaint little town. We ate a little early and by the time we were done the street was full of people all dressed up ready to celebrate. Such a fun atmosphere. US?. . ready to head home for a quiet evening.

 

The following morning we met up with his friend for a motorcycle ride to a restaurant on the coast. The whales are migrating and you could see and occasional breach or spout off in the distance. Finished the evening with movie and dinner.

 

I was scheduled to take the train home the following day but S offered to drive me home, help me with my Christmas lights and stay the night.

 

He loves tennis and I am learning to play golf and loving it. We have a friendly competition over the two and he's been reluctant to get out and golf having not done so in years. We got to my house and out for 9 holes of golf. Luckily he remembered how much he enjoyed it and I'm hoping it's something we do together.

He's way too intense about tennis and between he and his guy friends who are also pretty cut throat about it, I am thinking this is not a sport we'll be doing together and I am ok with that!

 

All in all things are good. I am seeing a little more of his impatience and intolerance for some things and it makes me nervous. I mentioned it to him and I am for now still going on the notion that he's all bark. He hasn't done it with me but I know better to not anticipate it. It seems to be limited to driving. Geez, can you say `road rage?' And he's easily frustrated with himself. My father was the same way but much like S, a gentle, good man as well.

 

He did point out in an annoyed manner that I repeated myself a couple times on something. I did give him the death stare and he laughed nervously that he angered me. He did some, honestly. I can't help but think of little quirks I notice about him yet to say something about it would seem petty in comparison so I let it slide. My ex bf would point out if I repeated myself as well. .so I am wondering how much of this is something I need to be aware of . . or guys being intolerant. Or both.

 

I am hoping what I see is something he can compartmentalize and it doesn't spill over onto me because I don't have any qualms about bailing on this if it's so.

I don't want to end this on a negative so . . .

 

He's a sweet heart and we are so compatible on so many levels. He has something a little intoxicating about him. I can't quite put my finger on it.

[notalady]

S sounds a bit like my ex C when it comes to impatience / being annoyed or frustrated. My ex would get frustrated with himself for small imperfections (like a small negligible mistake), but he seems to hold the same standard for others too, like he would get annoyed with people in public not behaving in a considerate way or people eating on the train (which is not allowed but no one ever enforces it and the way I see it, it's really not something concerning him directly so to get annoyed and criticise people who do it is really unnecessary), he didn't drive but I'm sure he'd find something to be annoyed by too if he did drive. He used to talk to me in an annoyed tone quite a bit, if I do something less than perfect, like say repeating myself (like you did) or didn't wipe dry the outside of a glass before placing it on the table, or lost the cap on his USB.

 

I think it's perfectionism to some degree. And perhaps a little bit of insecurity as well (being annoyed at one self for small mistakes).

 

I don't know the extent of S' impatience, but I wouldn't expect it to not spill over to your interactions.

[reinventmyself]

S sounds a bit like my ex C when it comes to impatience / being annoyed or frustrated. My ex would get frustrated with himself for small imperfections (like a small negligible mistake), but he seems to hold the same standard for others too, like he would get annoyed with people in public not behaving in a considerate way or people eating on the train (which is not allowed but no one ever enforces it and the way I see it, it's really not something concerning him directly so to get annoyed and criticise people who do it is really unnecessary), he didn't drive but I'm sure he'd find something to be annoyed by too if he did drive. He used to talk to me in an annoyed tone quite a bit, if I do something less than perfect, like say repeating myself (like you did) or didn't wipe dry the outside of a glass before placing it on the table, or lost the cap on his USB.

 

I think it's perfectionism to some degree. And perhaps a little bit of insecurity as well (being annoyed at one self for small mistakes).

 

I don't know the extent of S' impatience, but I wouldn't expect it to not spill over to your interactions.

 

I know . .my last relationship was like you described. "B" was very type A about everything.

The first few months it didn't spill over onto me and then slowly and subtly it crept up.

In the end I didn't even breath correctly

 

I am on the look out. It's hard because it's that same thing we covered before.

Is this a legitimate concern or is it due to it being such a sensitive issue for me because of previous experiences, I see it as a potential problem when it really isn't.

Time will tell. .

[Ms Darcy]

Well glad you had a nice New Year's and got out of the house!

[WithLove]

It's a potential concern because it gave you such anxiety in a previous relationship. So for you, yes, it's something to be concerned about.

[faraday]

I don't think I was aware that you had a journal...so I'm writing so that you come up in my feed now

 

 

 

 

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

[reinventmyself]

I've had been home sick that past couple days and feeling better last night. S drove up to take me to dinner and stay the night.

Something he said was similar to the issue I had with him the other day, pointing out that I was repeating myself and me assuming he was annoyed.

I brought it up and we talked about it. He was genuinely surprised and didn't recall the incident the way I had, but nevertheless very apologetic about it and concerned about how I had felt.

 

He did say at this point in our relationship he is enamored with every little thing I say and if he were annoyed by anything so soon that would be a really bad sign.

Exactly my point!! I do feel better about it.

 

I need to trust what he says but a little part of me is still on the look out. He does have that type A personality that would fitting of someone with control issues.

This is such a sensitive issue with me seeing my last relationship ended with my ex bf micromanaging everything I did and continuously correcting me. So much so, I left.

 

On a lighter note. . We both happen to like the same kind of firm foam pillow and sleeping without one is difficult. He showed up last night with one to leave at my house and bought one for me so when I go to his.

As much as I like the little things he does it still makes me nervous as this is a sign that he plans on staying around for while. This is good, right?!@#

I've gotten so used to ending relationships and venturing out on my own . .so much so I waffle about wanting to be in one.

I tend to be a little spooky about stuff like this.

 

All in all a good night but I end up getting to sleep much later and having just come off a bout with the flu I reeeeallly needed a solid 8 hrs, with I didn't get.

But it was worth it ;}

[WithLove]

All you can do is trust him that he will bring forward any concerns that he has with you... just as he's trusting you to bring any to his attention. He has just as much at stake as you!

 

The pillow was smart and a nice touch! A little thing to remind you that he is serious about you without using any "trigger words", as ITIC puts it. I think it's a good thing. Besides, he'll probably look forward to having your scent on it once you leave.

[reinventmyself]

All you can do is trust him that he will bring forward any concerns that he has with you... just as he's trusting you to bring any to his attention. He has just as much at stake as you!

 

The pillow was smart and a nice touch! A little thing to remind you that he is serious about you without using any "trigger words", as ITIC puts it. I think it's a good thing. Besides, he'll probably look forward to having your scent on it once you leave.

 

Haha. . I did get a text commenting about my scent on his shirt while he was driving home.

I'll probably get one about the pillow too ;}

[WithLove]

I do miss the scent of a man, that's for sure. Sigh..... Enjoy it!!

[notalady]

I like sniffing my pjs after staying at J's place cos it smells like him, and I like that hahaha...

[reinventmyself]

My girl friends are leaving today for an impromptu vacation. I have been invited but between not feeling well this week and agreeing to seeing S, I won't be going.

It's time's like these I wonder if I want a romantic relationship at all.

 

There were occasions exactly like this in the past while I was in a relationship that I missed out on. Add in that S lives an hour away translates into making more of an effort with what little free time I have.

 

When I am single, I am not lonely. Well, maybe once in a while but not often.

Matter of fact I have a great circle of active girlfriends that I am perfectly happy and content to spend my free time with.

Then at some point I get restless and start to date. I often think realistically that these girlfriends aren't going to grow old with me.

Who knows. . maybe they will.

Not sure what that would look like. Kind of a funny picture, honestly.

 

Then the flip side is I am not sure I can ever cohabitate with a man at this point in my life. I'd like to think I could, but I am pretty sure I am kidding myself.

 

Add in at any given time my friends will be in relationships and unavailable. It's happened. Most of them are currently single at the moment.

 

It's kind of a conundrum of sorts. .

I wish I had a crystal ball.

[WithLove]

What are your long terms goals when it comes to dating? Is cohabitating with someone something that you'd eventually like? Because there's nothing wrong with you and a significant other both leading separate lives, but still seeing each other when it's convenient for you both.

[reinventmyself]

What are your long terms goals when it comes to dating? Is cohabitating with someone something that you'd eventually like? Because there's nothing wrong with you and a significant other both leading separate lives, but still seeing each other when it's convenient for you both.

 

^^that . . is my intention.

Glad I put it in writing and I can stop waffling about it.

 

I keep fooling myself that I'd like to eventually cohabitate. I keep thinking that it needs to be the `right' guy.

But the finger gets pointed back at myself.

That it's not about finding the right one, but more about me being set in my ways and a low tolerance for togetherness.

[WithLove]

Well, have you asked S what his goals are? If his are to be live together and get married someday.... well, it might help you during your moments of waffling, since ultimately you don't want the same things.

 

That being said, what you both have probably works well for you right now, because he's far enough away that you don't see him too much and he also travels for work, which also means you know there will be days when he won't be available.

 

That also would be true if marriage was an option, you know. Him traveling.

[reinventmyself]

You're right. It's time I ask him.

It's a leap from discussing being sexual and exclusive to - do you want to get married someday? Feels awkward.

 

I can guess he'd rather not marry based on his history.

He lived with his last gf for 6 years and wouldn't marry her due to her financial, career and ultimate drinking problems.

Her version is he had commitment issues because he wouldn't marry her.

(pretty sure if you are with someone for 10 years collectively you aren't terribly commitment phobic)

 

I don't think it's on his radar, especially seeing he's experienced the financial implications of an imbalanced relationship.

He's commented on my stability being attractive to him.

 

oh. . and he only plans on flying for 2 more years. . hmmmm. That could change though.

Elch. . I don't want to think about it. . lol

[WithLove]

For myself.... I would just be honest. I would tell him that I've been having a lot of anxiety over thinking about the relationship, because I'm realizing that I like my life the way it is and I'm afraid of being made to compromise that. And I'd ask him what his ultimate intentions are, regarding dating in general and in dating me.

 

I just feel like.... if more couples took the time to discuss what each other wanted... instead of assuming things all the time.... or hiding what they truly wanted.... a lot more relationships would be saved, and a lot more people would be happy in them. So many people get stuck in relationships where they aren't happy, but don't want to leave because leaving is worse than staying.

[Silverbirch]

My girl friends are leaving today for an impromptu vacation. I have been invited but between not feeling well this week and agreeing to seeing S, I won't be going.

It's time's like these I wonder if I want a romantic relationship at all.

 

There were occasions exactly like this in the past while I was in a relationship that I missed out on. Add in that S lives an hour away translates into making more of an effort with what little free time I have.

 

When I am single, I am not lonely. Well, maybe once in a while but not often.

Matter of fact I have a great circle of active girlfriends that I am perfectly happy and content to spend my free time with.

Then at some point I get restless and start to date. I often think realistically that these girlfriends aren't going to grow old with me.

Who knows. . maybe they will.

Not sure what that would look like. Kind of a funny picture, honestly.

 

Then the flip side is I am not sure I can ever cohabitate with a man at this point in my life. I'd like to think I could, but I am pretty sure I am kidding myself.

 

Add in at any given time my friends will be in relationships and unavailable. It's happened. Most of them are currently single at the moment.

 

It's kind of a conundrum of sorts. .

I wish I had a crystal ball.

 

 

I'm very much like you in my situation and attitude. I like being unattached and have friends, but it's probably my fur family that take up time and provide a lot of companionship. I've never felt "alone"since they came into my life.

 

I will be more than okay without a man in my life. I seem to be meeting ones without teying, but really don't know if Zi could be brave enough to go there again if if it would be worth it.

[Ms Darcy]

Maybe it's just me, but if you are cool with not marrying and not interested in co-habitation, and you are happy with your friends and your life, I don't see a need in having a talk with him about his future goals anytime soon. I would just enjoy the present.

 

This is assuming you aren't feeling anxiety about the present.

[WithLove]

I think the pillows set it off - made Reinvent aware that perhaps he is thinking long-term, which could mean cohabitation and marriage.

[reinventmyself]

I think the pillows set it off - made Reinvent aware that perhaps he is thinking long-term, which could mean cohabitation and marriage.

 

Well yes. . that and him taking me to look at furniture. I get that he has been wanting to replace a couple things long before I met him and I don't want to read anything into him wanting my opinion, after all it's only an opinion. But he was weighing a little too heavily on it and it made me nervous. When he was torn between two sofas he wanted me to tell him which one.

`Oh no, not my place to tell you to commit to which couch for you'

 

Meanwhile I am looking at furniture I like for my place. He seemed perplexed.

I am pretty sure he was testing me.

 

So far he's bought me a blow dryer, flat iron, robe, pillow to keep at his house. . and various food items I like. Slow down Cowboy!!

And no, I didn't bring up the subject of the future. . Didn't feel right given the time frame.

[WithLove]

Given the above - it does certainly seem like he's thinking of the long term picture, and sometimes moving at a pace more quickly than you're comfortable with. I'd think about having that conversation with him sometime soon; I fear you're going to get overly anxious otherwise, and you pull away when you do that. It's better to be honest with him, Reinvent, rather than not saying anything but slowly distancing yourself.