Another online daing journal

[reinventmyself]

To a small degree but I wrote it off to first meeting jitters. Heck, I was a little nervous too. All within what would be expected given a first meet n greet. But for him to seem more so 4th time in bugs me. For obvious reasons

 

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[notalady]

Yea the unnecessary asking for permission and apologising is definitely not good

[reinventmyself]

I'll see him Sunday night. I have to promise myself if see this behavior again I need to go and not wait around for it to change. . Again

 

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[notalady]

Yep definitely

[reinventmyself]

I met someone in 2002 about a year after my divorce. I was still fragile, insecure and looking back probably not ready to date. In my life there has been just 2 great loves. Those ones you never forget. What's similar about those two is I was more invested then they were and for different reasons didn't work out. It took a long time for me to get over them. I think it's when you have that unrequited love you raise them to higher heights then they actually deserve. But I don't doubt they loved me but not to same degree.

 

J and I tried to date 2 more times in the past 12 years. I left both times probably due to a preemptive strike as I still felt insecure with him and the feelings didn't feel reciprocal. Though he was the one who would seek me out I was the one to leave.

 

Over the years we have always stayed in touch. After some time and distance and a couple relationships on each side J and I have settled into the best of friends. After my last serious relationship ended almost 2 years ago J and were both single at the same time and he made a full court press for about 4 mo's trying to convince we were meant for each other. There is so much truth to this. We are brutally sarcastic to each other and crack each other up. We finish each others sentences and I know he loves me as much as I love him but in a really different dialed down friendship way. I am not sure soul mates exist but if they did, J would qualify as mine and vice versa.

 

My friends, sons and my mother absolutely love him and those that know us are perplexed as to why after all this time we aren't together. We are able to go to each other for dating advise and our perspective others have been fully aware of our friendship.

 

Why am I saying this? He just got out of a 2 year relationship in which he was engaged. I've gone to dinner with him a couple times and have given him some advise and listened. He's heartbroken and trying to get back on his feet.

 

I am no longer that post divorce fragile person. So aside from our bad timing what stops me considering J to be any more than friends? Alcohol. That was a really difficult discussion to have with him and I am not sure when I mentioned it to him 2 years ago that he was fully aware of his own condition. But I have been around it more than once and I recognize the signs.

That and I've dialed down those romantic feelings over the years and I think 3 attempts and no success is more than enough sign for me.

About a month ago he showed up on my door step and admitted he had a problem. I helped him find an AA meeting near his near home and I let go of the outcome. This is his fight to fight and I know enough that he needs to do this for his reasons and no other. I am concerned that he believes this will bring his fiancé back but from the sounds of it that was one of their more minor problems. I am not sure he can get to other side but if he can it will be sometime before he does. He has a long road ahead of him

Anyway. . I am just sounding out loud.

 

J is going to help my youngest son with working on some hours behind the wheel for a class A license.

Funny how my youngest campaigns for us whenever he gets a chance. Those two have stayed friends over the years as well.

Lifes not fair sometimes. . And things work out the way they are supposed to.

I worked for years on locking the door to those romantic feelings for him I seriously doubt I can open it again. Besides, I value our friendship. But I have funny feeling this will become a topic of discussion. . again.

 

Last night he's playfully texting me and ends with something about a date.

Uhhhmmm. . no.

Maybe in another lifetime.

Such a shame. Love you J'

[reinventmyself]

I had my date with S last night.

I am in town for work for two days so I had to pack for work and my date.

 

He had mentioned me meeting him at his tennis club after he finished a tournament for a drink and then we would go to a local beach town near by for dinner. In CA the dress code here is all over the map.

 

We are having another one of our Santa Ana winds, which is typical for early fall here but it translates into the weather doing a 180 and jumping up to 90 degrees while I am packing. At the last minute I put on a long summer dress and sparkly sandals. Cute, comfortable but as it turns out not appropriate for what he had in mind. How was I to know??

As I approach the club grounds I am getting nervous. I've been around private clubs, my parents lived in one so I am not unaccustomed to it but this one is pretty swanky. S greets me in something you might wear to wedding, sans a necktie. Uhg. I feel awkward. Apparently he had a high end evening planned.

The tennis club was amazing. . We ended up staying there for dinner. Yah. . Obama stayed there a couple weeks ago.

Why am I sharing this?

Because it changed the dynamic with him no longer feeling insecure, there in his swanky tennis club, with his dress shoes on and all - and me in my beachy summer dress.

It was a nice evening and if anyone was feeling insecure this time it was me. (but I surely wont ask permission for things and apologize unessarily)

I tend to put a lot of emphasis on how I look on a date. . not so much for vanity reasons but if everything is in order and I am having a good hair day, I am feeling pretty confident on my appearance I tend to relax, feel confindent. and I have my A game on. Suffice to say I was wwaaay underdressed and it threw me off. Silly, I know.

 

Funny how on the phone even earlier yesterday when we spoke he asked permission about something benign and spoke in a way that I knew would ultimately turn me off. Maybe that's why I didn't put more thought into my attire for the evening. I was kinda figuring this would be the last date.

 

Anyway. . My interest is way back up. Since I have met him he's switched back and forth between confident and insecure.. . .Or maybe it's just me. I wish he would stop it, lol

 

I am here at work for an early morning furniture move in and delivery. He will meet me for dinner later, after my 10 hour day with little sleep and another round of dress debacle. I only brought really casual clothes which is typical for these new office move in's.

 

Oh. . and it was awkward when he asked to escort me to my hotel last night, standing in the parking lot of the hotel kissing me goodnight.

So this is our 4th date? ( I need to count ) I know for some this would easily be the point where you would invite them to your room.

Being a man I am pretty sure he might have wondered if. . .

Yah. . not this girl.

[notalady]

I'm just curious what are the things he ask permission or apologise for? Like on the phone for example?

[reinventmyself]

Oh gosh. . can't recall now.

He reached to hold my hand. .asked permission, apologized.

This was over a one hour coffee date and he did something similar to that 4 times in that one hour. Each time totally unnecessary for the moment. I did ask him if I made him nervous. I don't recall his response but I think since then he has somewhat checked himself.

 

I can't put my finger on it because this has happened to me before. I think going into dating I am pretty nonchalant and confident with low expectations. UNTIL I actually find someone I like and all that confidence goes out the window. Ha ha

 

Anyway. . it seemed to have passed. But

I kinda suspect that I might not have seen the last of that though. Not sure. He keeps switching up on me.

 

I saw him again last night. He took me to see his home. We had a glass of wine and went to dinner.

I have to say he hits all the marks. He's communicative, he has integrity, his pace matches mine. He's very much a gentleman.

He has a great life and a lot of friends. Doesn't hurt that he's tall and handsome either.

 

Once again I find myself on the receiving end of the question from the man. `So . .where's this going?'

Funny how women are stereotypically accused of asking this very question.

 

We shared how we currently weren't dating anyone else at this time and wanted to see where this goes.

If was another perfect night. .I get a sweet goodnight kiss as he drops me off in front my hotel again.

No pressure. .

 

I leave this afternoon to head back home. I won't see him 'til the weekend.

I must say. . I am smitten.

[notalady]

He sounds great so far reinvent! We'll see if the apologising / asking for permission thing goes away

[reinventmyself]

I have a date w S today.

What I've learned about dating with distances is that sex seems to be on the table sooner due to the notion of staying over vs a long late night drive home.

Figuring out logistics yesterday he suggested bringing a change of clothes and 'starting our date on Saturday' which could infer it continuing to the next day.

Neither of us are logging onto the dating website and during a coversation we shared that we weren't dating others and wanted to see where this was going.

Ahhh, but I just don't feel ready.

I still need more time. I'm pretty sure it will come up tonight. Feeling a little anxious about it.

In the meantime Mark called me from his work phone and left a voicemail on Thanksgiving. Enough time has passed and I have no emotional reaction to him one way or another so a few hours later I text him a simple Happy Thansgiving. In turn I get a picture of his food. . Seriously? I need to thank him for that.

I no longer had his work number to block but from my phone originally it's sent straight to vm. I had put several ??? I in the contact field so in moment I had no idea who it was.

I don't feel I need to go out of my way to block him thinking it was an innocent holiday greeting.

This morning he texts me again saying he's glad to see I'm still golfing?

I had changed my profile picture on facebook.late last night and tho we aren't friends it bothers me that he stalks myself and my friends to see what I'm up to.

Ok so most people do this but don't comment on it to someone who doesn't care to have you in there life any longer. Creepy.

So I didn't respond but blocked him both ways.

Seems silly to still be doing this.

 

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[reinventmyself]

My date last night was nice.

By the time we got back to my house it was really late and much like I imagined him driving an hour plus home doesn't seem like a good idea.

He asks if he can stay the night and I agree but I did share with him that I wasn't quite ready to have sex and if he didn't mind sleeping with me and just holding me than he could stay.

He was perfect gentleman and on top of that had to leave early because there was a remote change my son would come him in the morning.

He's a paramedic and works 24 hr shifts, getting off duty in the mornings. He typically goes straight to his gf's on weekends but I knew his gf had plans with her mother that is town for the

holidays so I figured a chance, no matter how remote, was that he would make an appearance in the morning.

I called that right. S left at 7 and my son rolls in at 8!

 

I can't put my finger on it. My attraction to S waffles.

One minute I am smitten, the next I am second guessing things.

I was so excited to see him this weekend and then I didn't find myself as attracted as I was last time.

This seems to be a pattern with he and I. Or maybe just me.

Let the truth be known the more get to known him I see little flickers of intolerance and negativity. Maybe it was just a bad day for him.

But something ill keep an eye on.

 

Not sure what this is about but time is on my side

[notalady]

I think that the last time, he was in his element. It was an upscale venue which in itself sets the romantic scene, he was also dressed up and confident while you were less so. I think all that contributed to you feeling smitten. But back in reality, you feel less smitten and excited about him in the day to day setting.

 

I think perhaps that excitement was not so much about him but more about the idea and feeling of this "prince like" (for the lack of a better word) gentleman who took you to a really nice place and treated you like a princess (a bit like Cinderella, just for one night Of course, nothing wrong with enjoying that! But I just think you weren't that excited about HIM if you know what I mean.

 

You don't know him enough yet so maybe give it a few more dates. But I think if your feelings are back and forth after a few more dates, I wouldn't proceed. We've both gone down that road before, it doesn't end well

 

P.S. I'd also take note of the flickers of intolerance and negativity and observe over the next few dates. I would suspect it's more him showing his personality after a few dates rather than having a bad day.

[notalady]

Oops posted in the wrong thread lol

[reinventmyself]

Oops posted in the wrong thread lol

Really. . ?

 

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[reinventmyself]

I think that the last time, he was in his element. It was an upscale venue which in itself sets the romantic scene, he was also dressed up and confident while you were less so. I think all that contributed to you feeling smitten. But back in reality, you feel less smitten and excited about him in the day to day setting.

 

I think perhaps that excitement was not so much about him but more about the idea and feeling of this "prince like" (for the lack of a better word) gentleman who took you to a really nice place and treated you like a princess (a bit like Cinderella, just for one night Of course, nothing wrong with enjoying that! But I just think you weren't that excited about HIM if you know what I mean.

 

You don't know him enough yet so maybe give it a few more dates. But I think if your feelings are back and forth after a few more dates, I wouldn't proceed. We've both gone down that road before, it doesn't end well

 

P.S. I'd also take note of the flickers of intolerance and negativity and observe over the next few dates. I would suspect it's more him showing his personality after a few dates rather than having a bad day.

 

Thanks NL,

I am not so sure it was the nice venue and princess like atmosphere you speak of. Valid point though and it gave me some thought.

I saw him the following night and it was much more subdued and casual and I was still feeling the attraction.

He continued to seem confident and relaxed.

It is an interesting dynamic when the confidence seems like a ball we pass back and forth. Who's ever holding the ball the other one suffers. If that makes sense.

 

I think this has much more to do with me than it does him.

I think we all tend to leave a relationship where whatever the underlining issue was is the very thing you are hyper vigilant and sensitive the next time around.

At least for me.

 

My previous serious bf was very controlling. When I resumed dating I was on the high alert for any signs of control and could see it when it wasn't there.

Having dated M, I am super sensitive to any sign of passiveness or lack of confidence.

Geeez. . poor guys!

 

I need to check myself a bit and learn to put down my guns and pay attention to the things I do like about them and not have such laser focus on things I may not.

And somewhere in between strike a balance so as to not ignore the red flags.

Easier said then done! Ha ha

S is coming into town tomorrow for dinner and I will go south on Saturday to see him.

[WithLove]

Idk, Reinvent.

 

I just don't feel like it's quite clicking. You're very ambivalent with S. I don't feel like there should be so many red flags or annoying or irritating things so quickly. It's only been a handful of meetings and dates.

 

Obviously we tend to post more about the bad things than the good ones.... but it just doesn't seem like you're sold on him.

[reinventmyself]

Idk, Reinvent.

 

I just don't feel like it's quite clicking. You're very ambivalent with S. I don't feel like there should be so many red flags or annoying or irritating things so quickly. It's only been a handful of meetings and dates.

 

Obviously we tend to post more about the bad things than the good ones.... but it just doesn't seem like you're sold on him.

 

Oh no. . not again

This weekend will tell.

[WithLove]

I hope it does, and I hope I'm wrong. I want you to be happy. I like you. I think you pick guys that aren't deserving of you and give them way too many chances. Not sure why you do that. But, I do it, too.

[reinventmyself]

Thanks WL

 

I have been accused of being ambivalent and withholding in most cases. At least in the beginning phases. S is already pointing it out to me.

I think this is where I trip up.

Is it me or them?

He's a good guy. . just maybe not the guy for me.

[notalady]

Really. . ?

 

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Yea I posted in your journal rather than mine lol! Not sure what I was thinking!

[notalady]

It is an interesting dynamic when the confidence seems like a ball we pass back and forth. Who's ever holding the ball the other one suffers. If that makes sense.

 

That seems like a weird dynamic reinvent... I've never experienced that before lol...

 

I think this has much more to do with me than it does him.

I think we all tend to leave a relationship where whatever the underlining issue was is the very thing you are hyper vigilant and sensitive the next time around.

At least for me.

 

My previous serious bf was very controlling. When I resumed dating I was on the high alert for any signs of control and could see it when it wasn't there.

Having dated M, I am super sensitive to any sign of passiveness or lack of confidence.

Geeez. . poor guys!

 

I need to check myself a bit and learn to put down my guns and pay attention to the things I do like about them and not have such laser focus on things I may not.

And somewhere in between strike a balance so as to not ignore the red flags.

Easier said then done! Ha ha

S is coming into town tomorrow for dinner and I will go south on Saturday to see him.

 

That's normal though. I was also highly vigilant / sensitive to flaws or dysfunctions that resembled those of my ex's after break up, then it will be "reset" with the next ex's flaws and dysfunctions after that particular break up lol... Not a bad thing though, just as long as you're not acting on that instinct hastily without seeing more evidence first to prove it one way or the other.

[reinventmyself]

That seems like a weird dynamic reinvent... I've never experienced that before lol...

 

 

 

That's normal though. I was also highly vigilant / sensitive to flaws or dysfunctions that resembled those of my ex's after break up, then it will be "reset" with the next ex's flaws and dysfunctions after that particular break up lol... Not a bad thing though, just as long as you're not acting on that instinct hastily without seeing more evidence first to prove it one way or the other.

 

I suppose the fact that I am aware of it is a good sign. Now if I can keep it in check

[reinventmyself]

S drove up for dinner last night.

He left later then he should have and because of traffic his drive translated into over 2 hours. Add in the 1.25 drive home I was concerned if he would think it was worth effort.I am flattered that he does this. . But I am not that cute. . lol.

3 1/2 hours in a car for 4 hour face time was worth his while, at least that's what he says.

 

The conversation is easy and I like that we can talk about more introspective type things. I like that in a man. He is thoughtful and has done a lot of personal work on himself. He's read some books on self development and attended some work shops. A definite plus in my opinion. He's doesn't hesitate on admitting his faults or weaknesses, or things he continues to work on. To me that is a huge sign of strength compared to those who ego won't let them go near the subject, let alone admit it to themselves.

 

I did enjoy his company. . again my attraction meter goes up and down and as of today it's back up again.

 

I see him on Saturday. Because of the distance I will stay the night. But he knows that sex isn't just a given with me because of the overnight. . not until it feels like the right next step.

 

Just trying to enjoy it and stay in the moment.

[reinventmyself]

I spent the weekend with S. I arrived mid afternoon for a late lunch with he and his friend after they had just finished tennis.

He makes efforts to have me meet his friends and has made comments about needing to show them I really `do exist'.

I think it's sweet he seems excited to show me off.

 

We went on to have a nice evening, early movie and then a small bite to eat afterwards.

Back to his house and am I staying the night . . .and . . .we had sex.

I have to say after 6 months of mediocre and downright bad sex with M. . (and then 6 mo's of none) this was amazing.

In of itself it was amazing.

I love that I feel kinda small and safe with him.

 

We slept in the next morning, went to breakfast, hiked, sat in the Jacuzzi and it was time for me to head home.

Today. .I am riddled with anxiety.

This exactly why I wait to have sex with someone. I feel really, really vulnerable right now.

 

Add in he's not very electronically communicative. Which up to this moment has been fine. I typically get one phone call a day. . maybe even one text but last night as I get ready for bed I was letting my vulnerability turn into insecurity and wrestle with my expectations of him and the situation.

 

My expectation would have been that he might have called to see I got home ok and here it is my bedtime and no phone call. At the same time I am reminding myself I just left him only 4 hours previously and I needed calm the heck down. One part of me feels I am expecting too much. At the same time we've had all the necessary, responsible conversations about exclusivity, std testing and history and what-not and I know we are on the same page. BUT. .

Another part me says - if a man just had sex with me, he would see I got home ok. . especially after a 90mile drive and IF he has called to say goodnight to me for the past 2 weeks, why of all nights would he not do so now??

 

Up til this moment he typically calls to say goodnight but here is my bedtime and my phone isn't ringing. I curl up in a ball in my bed and wrestle with myself and my expectations and I go back and forth and end up texting him: "everything ok?" Part of me is mad at myself. .the other parts are telling me I shouldn't have to and wait while I am perfectly capable. .Another part knows I won't sleep if I don't.

He responds something about `craving to touch me'

Yah, that's nice but not what I was looking for.

I don't respond because honestly I didn't know what to say and my head was spinning so I continue to lay curled up in a ball. 5 min's later my phone rings. He's surprised I'm already in bed and I suppose had I waited a minute longer he would have likely called.

 

I get that I am likely creating a problem where there isn't one. . But prior to this weekend anything could have happened and it would have barely phased me in the least.

Now having crossed that line I recognize I now have something to lose and as much as I like feeling vulnerable, I hate it at the same time too.

I like him . . . More than I have liked someone in quite some time.

It scares the beejeebies out of me.

 

Sooooooooo. . Everything I just wrote previous to this, I was just about to delete. But I will save it as a valuable reminder and entertainment purposes.

Because just as I write the word `beejeebies', reception calls me to come up for a delivery. Flowers. .Pink and red roses.

 

I can be a dork sometimes. . ok. .pretty often.

[notalady]

Aww it's nice that he sent flowers! It's very normal to feel vulnerable and a bit anxious after sex. I know I sure did! It fades away after a little while though, just give him time to prove to you that he's serious about you