Another online daing journal

[reinventmyself]

I put up a profile on OKC before I left for my trip. Most interest has been from 20 somethin' year olds wanting to do me a favor. Lucky me?! As a mother of 20 somethin yr olds, I can't tell you how much it weirds me out. I was hit up by a 19yr old yesterday. Can't help but wonder what his mother would think.

 

I'm thinking this isn't the website for me. It seems to be mostly hookups but I'm getting my feet wet, that's what counts.

 

How sad is it that I see men on there from 10 years ago with the same pictures?

Feeling a little disenchanted.

I do have a few decent prospects but even with that I feel this reluctantance to communicate.

Hmmm, so why exactly am I doing this?

[notalady]

That's totally fine, just putting yourself out there. Even if you don't feel like communicating with anyone yet.

 

Even I found the lack of potentials a bit depressing as I got back on there when I broke up with Z. I saw a lot of the same old people that are still there from a year or two ago, some of whom I had previously messaged and never responded! Lol... I think I just got really lucky that J happened to just join the site (new blood) about the same time I went back on and decided to message me.

 

I think how well OKC works depends on your location and demographics. Perhaps because it caters/appeals to a younger crowd, so if you are a bit older, you might get more contact from a specific group of younger guys (those looking for a "cougar").

 

Why don't you just dip your toes in on there and when you feel ready, join a paid site where maybe more serious guys around your age might more likely be?

 

Btw where did you meet M again?

[Fudgie]

I think OKC is geared more towards a younger crowd. Not a bad thing, IMO, but I would think that anyone over the age of 35 is going to have some trouble on there.

 

When I was on there a few months ago, I did put my acceptable age range as 25-45. I meant it, I've dated a bit older so I was okay with doing it again. However, nearly all of the search results yielded people up to age 30, maybe early 30s, and that was it. I modified my search a few times to include only older (35+) and very, very few men remained. So there really weren't that many older guys on there.

 

I think I got a few messages from 19/20 year olds. I didn't answer, made me smirk. I'm sorry, maybe it's mean but all I could think was "wow, you can't even drink yet". Not that I'm much of a drinker, I don't really go to bars, but I'm 25, I'm over the days of having underage friends and being like "Oh we can't go to x, y, z because they are all 21+ places". No, not my thing,

[reinventmyself]

There are plenty of men my age but they click the 'like' feature tho I state I'm not a paid member and can't see who 'liked' me.

I get I'm setting myself up but surely more would make the effort to actually write an email?. . outside of 20 yr olds.

 

I did try OKC previously and it didn't work well then. That's when I switched to Match and found men a little more geared to actually meeting.

So why haven't I committed to a paid site, I guess is the question.

I guess I'm just not ready to put in the effort.

 

I did meet Mark last night to retrieve tix we bought for a 3 day concert. I'm giving them to my son for his birthday. Mark and I ultimately ended on friendly terms.

We don't talk much, maybe a text every couple weeks.

He asked why we still couldn't go to this concert in vegas as friends.

I pressed the conversation further because I wasn't clear on his intentions.

Basically he felt we could see if our friendship would be a start of something new. Unfortunately trying to talk to him about what that would look like hit the typical wall of non communication.

 

I pointed out we were not much more than good activity partners with no intimacy.

As much as I appreciate him making the effort to be friendly I didn't think spending g 3 days together where conversing is off limits was something I could do.

I did say some nice things to him reminding him my desire in the past to wanting to be able to connect with him.

 

I was prepared to buy his ticket but he ultimately left with it so no one gets to go I guess.

Typical passive aggressive move for him

I don't suppose he ever intended on selling it to me.

I had moved on from all of this but wake up this morning feeling a little set back.

[Fudgie]

I didn't pay for OKC but if you want to get an idea of who has "liked" you, turn off anonymous browsing, keep visitors on. That way, you can have an idea of who has liked you: if you get a like around the time someone has visited your profile, there's a decent chance they "liked" you.

[notalady]

Wait so you met with M to get the tickets and he agreed, but later decided he didn't want to sell it to you? What?

[reinventmyself]

Wait so you met with M to get the tickets and he agreed, but later decided he didn't want to sell it to you? What?

I guess trying to talk to him was more than he can handle. Silly me, same thing different day.

I just didn't need to step back in that world where the unsaid agreement was you smile, keep your mouth shut, don't talk and pretend everything is fine.

Uhg.

[reinventmyself]

Thx Fudgie! I'll check it out.

[Larkin]

I did meet Mark last night to retrieve tix we bought for a 3 day concert. I'm giving them to my son for his birthday.

 

Did you tell Mark you wanted the tickets for your son's birthday?

[reinventmyself]

Did you tell Mark you wanted the tickets for your son's birthday?

Yes. That's the reason we met up so.I could retrieve the tickets

[browneyedgirl36]

Yes. That's the reason we met up so.I could retrieve the tickets

 

Wow. He's a real piece of work. He reminds me of a child throwing a temper tantrum because he didn't get the toy he wanted at the store. I'd half expect him to hold his breath and lie on the floor, kicking and flailing!

[reinventmyself]

Pretty much. .

[notalady]

I think it just reinforces the fact that you made the right decision and have no reason to keep him in your life in any capacity.

[reinventmyself]

So Mark texts me again this morning. . (hmmm. . do I see a cycle??) and wants to know if I still want the ticket for my son.

I informed him I bought one and gave my son mine. Done deal.

 

A little later he wants to know if my younger son might want it. I respond that I will have my son contact him directly if he's interested. I know well enough that this

isn't ever about the tickets but just a tool to contact me. Mark gets quiet and then the texts start rolling in an attempt to rehash old news.

 

Me brave hiding behind a screen aren't we?? Because when it mattered most you didn't want to talk and I have no reason to believe you ever would.

Besides the window of opportunity was almost 3 mo ago. I will you well'

 

He responds that this whole misunderstanding was due to the fact I was afraid to get married and I sabotaged a good thing on purpose. ?

(Whoa. . reeling) (so honestly this is all he takes away from that experience?)

 

I composed myself for a minute and responded: 'You're right, if that makes you feel better. No need to contact me again'

Mark`what should I do with the ticket?'

Me: 'set it on fire'

[Fudgie]

"set it on fire" LOL!!!!!

[notalady]

Hahahaha!!! Classic response in the end.

[Silverbirch]

Good Riddance!

[WithLove]

Hahahaha! Good riddance and great job, Reinvent!!!

[browneyedgirl36]

Best. Response. Ever.

 

Maybe now he'll get the hint? (Probably not, but you can always hope, right?)

[reinventmyself]

Nah, I got some random text with a picture of the freeway exit sign by my house this morning. I guess that's his way of letting me know he drove by on the way to work.

I didn't respond.

Honestly I don't know what goes thru this man's head.

Oh waaait! That's what we're not together, duh!

[Silverbirch]

I was pretty disgusted by his comment about marriage and you sabotaging it. That's his way of throwing crumbs he thinks any woman would fall over herself to catch, and the reference to you sabotaging that means "if you are a good girl and put up with me, I MIGHT marry you" . . . But he wouldn't really - all talk no action. Pffft

[reinventmyself]

I was pretty disgusted by his comment about marriage and you sabotaging it. That's his way of throwing crumbs he thinks any woman would fall over herself to catch, and the reference to you sabotaging that means "if you are a good girl and put up with me, I MIGHT marry you" . . . But he wouldn't really - all talk no action. Pffft

 

He told me straight up when we first started dating that if I didn't know by the first year if I could marry him to let him know, because he was looking to get married again. I don't doubt his intentions at all.

I must say I've never had anyone say that to me that way and I wasn't sure if I was impressed at the time or unnerved.

 

So there is a little truth to what he says because I am not likely to marry, to be honest. Cohabitate maybe.

But I did tell him that I would consider getting married, but it would have to be 'extraordinary' !

I was very honest with him.

 

It wasn't a veiled threat of something he was with holding that I wanted. So that wasn't the case.

But after all our discussions about how I struggled to feel connected to him and deepen my feelings, I am afraid he felt more invested than I did. Had he let me in that would have changed. But he didn't/couldn't, so it reached an impasse. As the 6 mo's approached I knew pretty much knew the outcome but before I left I challenged him. . and myself to see if it was possible.

 

What makes me mad about that comment was it dismisses seven months of me being patient and trying to connect with him. I felt I was sooooooooooo patient and staying much longer than most would have. I felt he held the key to the very thing he wanted to most.

 

In the end it was all my fault?

And all his manipulative head games, he absolute inability to communicate, tantrums and running away

didn't factor into the ending?

 

Conveniently he learned nothing. That'll be the next gf's problem, not mine.

[notalady]

And he will tell his next girlfriend "my last relationship ended because my ex was afraid of marriage and commitment." And she would feel bad for him.

 

Goes to show you should always take what someone tells you about their past relationship with a big grain of salt, there's two sides to every story and you're only hearing one (which may not be factual at all).

[reinventmyself]

For sure. Everytime anyone tells me their version of an ending, in the back of my mind I'm wondering what the other might say if they were present.

[reinventmyself]

Mark dated someone before me. His version is that she took advantage of his generosity.

But what I now know about Mark is this is his only currency. He's overly generous in exchange for the emotional connection he's not able to provide. Even the last time I saw him, we had dinner and we're supposed to talk to resolve some misunderstandings. But when we got back to my house he said it wasn't a good time to talk because he had had a couple beers.

When I pointed out to him to sole reason for the meeting was 'to talk' he became angry and barked 'didn't you have a good time tonight?'

That wasn't the first time I heard things along those lines. Other attempts to communicate were met with 'don't I treat you well?!' Each time he managed to dodge the issue by doing this.

 

What he's trying to say in these moments is "I'll buy you things and take you places, so just be quiet and be happy' So really, most of this was for his benefit, not mine?

 

Early on I started wrestling him for the check just to keep things equitable. But this is a dynamic he needs so by doing so I think threw him a little off balance.

 

So having said that I often wonder what the previous gf would say if she had a voice. I think I already know.