Another online daing journal

[missmarple]

I have done this before. .try to make something work with someone I am not sure about. . and after sometime and being intimate and getting used to their company, I come to conclusion much too late. I end up disappointing them, feeling guilty and I go through another version of break up withdrawals even though my heart wasn't totally into it.

 

I know what you mean as I used to be like that, too. What I do now is make sure I don't sleep with them because it usually makes things worse for them.

 

Sorry for the question (you know i have a lot of my mind, too) but can you remind me how long have you known/been with Mark?

[reinventmyself]

since the week before Christmas.

[WithLove]

Oh darling, I sense some of the same problems I'm having right now, too. Yours is a little more in depth, because I'm emerging on my 4th date with William and I'm finally concluding that it just isn't going to happen with us. I don't see myself with him romantically. I've never had to break it off with someone I didn't love, so I'm very nervous. I talked to my mother and she suggested keeping the date tonight, but talking to him when we meet up, before progressing into the date. Then he can decide if he wants to stays friends and continue our night tonight.

 

I really want to like him more. He really is a sweet and kind man. But it's just not there for me.

[missmarple]

since the week before Christmas.

 

Not too long then. I'd give it a couple more weeks.

[reinventmyself]

Oh darling, I sense some of the same problems I'm having right now, too. Yours is a little more in depth, because I'm emerging on my 4th date with William and I'm finally concluding that it just isn't going to happen with us. I don't see myself with him romantically. I've never had to break it off with someone I didn't love, so I'm very nervous. I talked to my mother and she suggested keeping the date tonight, but talking to him when we meet up, before progressing into the date. Then he can decide if he wants to stays friends and continue our night tonight.

 

I really want to like him more. He really is a sweet and kind man. But it's just not there for me.

 

Oh geeez. . I so get that!!

So. .then my other option is to venture out and meet some one else and in your 50's, let me tell you we all come with all sorts of random issues, that I never in a million years anticipated!!

 

Yep. . .I know I can find that one that gives me those weak knees, butterflies. .but what experience has taught me: It's typically the ones I can't have, don't like me as much as I do them and if you do get past that, then you unfold the massive deal breaker issues.

 

It's so exhausting the thought it of makes me not want to try.

 

Mark has his sh** together. . he's extremely handsome, fun, we have so much in common, he has massive amounts of integrity, stable. . on and on and on . .

 

What's wrong with me???

I am sure if he was a tiny bit more confident and was a little more of a challenge I would be all over him . .

I just need to get over myself I guess.

[missmarple]

For some reason, you remind me of my situation with Mike

[reinventmyself]

Here's Mark. . I could stare at him all day. . Ok, you younger gals may not see him the way I do but in your 50's,

my dating pool is beginning to resemble my father. So in the scheme of things, Mark's adorable. (too me) Haha

 

I hear yah, MM

 

Tried to delete the second picture. .no luck. . now I feel over exposed!

 

Ok. . need to step away from here before I get myself in more trouble . . Not in my right mind this morning. .LOL

[missmarple]

He's very good-looking but so are you..and, in any case, it doesn't have to do with looks. The most handsome guy I ever dated, I had left after a couple of months because I just wasn't feeling it (he was heartbroken).

[WithLove]

I most handsome guy I ever dated was lost in his own life and didn't know what the heck he wanted. So you can't go by looks alone!

 

(He was a very nice looking Latin man. You ever date a guy you just couldn't get enough of, ever? Yep. That was him.)

[reinventmyself]

I know. . I am a sucker for good looks. But I have to have that physical attraction. I wish it was different

 

But the better looking ones gave me the worst time. .

 

This is why I list Marks strengths as well .

 

My ex H was beautiful . . . My worst nightmare too.

[notalady]

At the start I was interested in my bf and there was a bit of mystery and uncertainty, that kept me interested. But then he started acting too interested, and that put me off because I wasn't there yet. And I almost broke it off as you probably read. I had the same thought at the time, if he was a bit more aloof and challenging (ie keep me guessing), I would have been all over him, and it's crazy to know that despite what we say, "treat them mean, keep them keen" would have actually worked better than being open and forward about their feelings. I knew that's not right so I made myself give him another chance.

 

I also knew that he was relationship material and sometimes they default right into relationship mode (with their expression of interest and how they treat you) and are crap at dating. But in any case, since he backed off completely after that (upon my request) and things went at more my pace, I was actually able to build up more interest in him and now I think we are on the same page.

 

See if you can have a chat to Mark about where you're at and if you can request him to refrain from doing these things that makes you feel like it's going too fast (like saying the three words etc. for me it was more the verbal expressions that bothered me, other stuff not really).

 

Also, objectively Mark is indeed a nice looking man (although looks like he could be my granddad but I'm only young hahaha oh and you are so pretty reinventmyself!

[reinventmyself]

Bwahh haha . that made me laugh. Yes. .and I am old enough to be your Mom. CAREful with the grandparent comment heehee Nevertheless you made my day.

 

I do read remember about how you and Z started off and you dialed it way back and returned to find it that much better. . .

I will give this some thought. .

[reinventmyself]

I need to list the things I like about Mark:

 

High integrity.

Very stable, financially secure.

Playful sense of humor

Very kind and generous

Social.

Hard working.

Very neat!

Dresses nice

Very compatible interests in activities.

Fits in with my friends and I like his.

Handsome, well groomed, tall.

Keeps in great shape physically.

Monogamous & faithful by nature.

Emotionally available and communicative

 

Why am listing these thing? Because he's perfect in so many ways. . too many to list.

 

But I am really struggling with the lack of intellectual connection . .that and his sometimes lack of confidence.

He's been questioning `us ' a lot still. Maybe I wasn't being direct enough but I told him yesterday it just needs to stop.

I told him if he has this many doubts maybe we ought to take a break.

I know that this got his attention but I also know better, he'll just try to be better at hiding it.

 

For this first time I feel like the guy in a relationship, with the insecure girl who keeps seeking reassurance. As a woman, this is an attraction killer for me.

Besides, I don't want to be the guy ;(

 

I keep thinking he'll get past this. . I am starting to accept it's just who he is. .

 

BUT with all his positive attributes. . does it out way the negative. . ?

I just need a few days to myself right now.

[testcase]

That's a lot of great things. I really don't see many negatives.

 

This is the same exact thing that basically killed my last relationship. Best relationship I'd had in years. We were on the same page in so many ways. I was insecure in the relationship though. Honestly looking back I have no idea why. I think it was mostly lack of sex and feeling like she wasn't on the same page with me. I've dated many girls and I've never been like that... I guess the fact that I liked her as much as I did and I sensed things were off was driving me crazy. I'm honestly not an insecure guy... but something about what I was giving her, and getting back, was making me insecure.

 

It seems like this is the exact same thing that's happening here. He's looking for assurance from you. You're not really giving it to him. It's probably making him question things / start looking for more assurance. That's pushing you away.

 

I did have the thought recently. Can people ever truly be on the same page? I think I was once. But it was so long ago I probably have a false memory of it. It certainly hasn't happened for me in the last decade.

[notalady]

What is he questioning about 'you'? Perhaps because he knows you are not quite as into him as he is into you? It does take a lot of confidence to keep dating someone knowing that and not be affected by it. So I wouldn't blame him for feeling unsure about the whole thing if that's the case. Him not acting cool about it only causes you to pull away more though and that's unfortunate for him, but this is perhaps not his baseline behaviour (ie he's not being himself). Those good qualities sound really wonderful, and I wonder if you do reciprocate his level of feelings, whether he would feel more comfortable and secure and therefore act like himself again.

 

Can you give more examples of your lack of intellectual connections? I'm not entirely sure what that means in your specific case, though I have a vague idea.

 

P.S. I do remember feeling insecure with some of the guys I used to date because I felt that they weren't as into me as I was into them, and wasn't sure where I stood with them, despite inherently I'm not an insecure person.

[reinventmyself]

ok. . .it's all making sense. .

 

I will write this and possibly delete it until I have more time to think it over. . but here it goes.

 

He shared with me that after his marriage of 23 yrs ended he - in haste jumped into a marriage with someone ill suited for him 6 mos later. They divorced after 2 1/2 years. During this marriage he had ED issues and went to the dr. and was prescribed testosterone cream. I have asked a couple times if this crème helped and now in retrospect I hadn't really gotten a straight answer. Suffice to say there were several things going wrong in this marriage that ultimately fell apart.

 

So this is where the insecurity and nervousness comes in . .He's had it in his head for collectively 5 years now that he has low testosterone issues and not having been in a relationship for some time he no longer has the prescription.

 

That's where I come in . .being in my 50s I assure him I am not in judgment of anyone at our age with hormone issues. . Hello! . .having been through menopause myself and taking estrogen. How unfair life is sometimes that women sit around fanning themselves and making jokes about their hot flashes and men hide in shame for the very same thing.

 

We've had sex four times? . .2x successful with the aid of something. . and the others. . didn't go so well.

 

He finally went to a new dr and got his results yesterday to be told that he hormone levels were normal. Soooo, this is an emotional issue and not physical.

There is no magic pill to fix it and he is disappointed. . Weird when someone says they are disappointed to find out they are normal, but I get what he meant by it.

 

I had been biding my time thinking that he would get his prescription, feel a little skip in his step and this would resolve the lack of confidence. Naively I wasn't overly concerned. Looking back I think he knew it was a bigger deal then he let on. . either that or I wasn't listening.

 

Now it's the other way around . .it's his lack of confidence that is hurting his performance. This is a game changer.

 

Phew. . I am kinda reeling over this and now all the comments he's made up 'til now make more sense.

Him asking how important sex was to me and without a full sex life what would we be? : I told him that would be the definition of 'friends'

Him asking about commitments and titles and need of reassurance was probably about him thinking if he had these things then he would feel secure and therefore the problem would resolve itself.

Him insisting he would be totally happy with a relationship being one sided because he loves to please

 

Now what? He's really disappointed and trying to process what he's learned and rethink this. At the same time I am concerned this has to effect his already shaky confidence and this part of him will now get worse??

 

If we were married or in a relationship of long duration I would stand beside him .. but at this point it's hard for me to say this. . but I am not up for this.

It's not about the act of sex (totally). . it's more about the confidence and the sex is a symptom of something bigger. (remember early on the disclosure about never masturbating?!) Besides .. I have had years of therapy and did the hard work. .(still do)

 

I know the commitment and time it takes to make a difference and there is no magic pill for this.

I suggested he might consider `talking' to someone. . and that's all I will say about it. I also know from experience that someone has to want this and do it on their own for it to have any success. . Being told to do it is futile.

 

I know he needed some time last night and was not in a very good place. We talked briefly and asked if I was `up ' for this.. (was I sticking around) I said `only if you are willing to do something about it"

 

He wants to see me tonight and though I was going to go see my mother I know he's really sensitive right now so I agreed. He just now text me to invite my son to dinner with us. Though he has met my oldest son, I typically keep my personal life separate from my sons until a relationship is serious . . . he knows this.

 

Thank you Testcase & Notalday for your comments. . and yes I do think of that every time that I am with him and I make sure I am letting him know I am 'all in' and want this to work. We text throughout the day and I am seeing him more and more often as time goes by. I am a warm, fuzzy kinda person so he can't question my interest based on my actions. . At the same time I am not going to misrepresent myself and say I am feeling something I am not and I can only take responsibility for things I have control of. . The rest is on him and it's appears that it's bigger than me.

 

OK. . . done venting.

. . last thought. I know we will talk tonight and as much as this is about him. . He needs to know that I am struggling with wrapping my head around this as well.

I feel as if I am `damned if I do' and 'damned if I don't' and disappointed all at the same time. .

 

"Can you give more examples of your lack of intellectual connections?"" Notladay. . I can't think of anyway to say it that doesn't sound ugly. He can't even pronounce the word testosterone. Sometimes I think he's pretty bright.. his quick wit and then I am taken back by things he doesn't know. Again . .I am average at best but if I am not careful I feel like I can talk over his head and I lose him . .I need to dial it down to talk to him so he understands??

[notalady]

Hmm that's a tricky situation...

 

The thing is he will need time to fix the issue, to see a therapist etc, but at the same time you'll be investing more time and emotions in him if you keep dating, and if it doesn't work out it will be harder to walk away and you're stuck in a sexless relationship..

[missmarple]

I may sound harsh but I would walk. I've been in that situation (relationship with guy with ED due to insecurities, etc) and it almost killed my self-confidence. You don't want to go through that. He needs to fix the issue himself before he considers a relationship, in my opinion.

[reinventmyself]

After a lengthy conversation I've decided to take it day by day and have no expectations.

He's eager to go to therapy and the dr actually did give him a couple of prescriptions. I was under the assumption he was denied any assistance.

 

The more we talked it over what floated to the surface for me was that I was really resentful. I told him I suspect he knew it was bigger problem than he let on and if he had a suspicion he couldn't participate fully in a romantic relationship, then why on earth was he dating?

And. .if this was an emotional issue. .then why wasn't he dealing with it before he decided to join a dating website?

 

I shared with him there have many times in my life I knew for what ever the reason I shouldn't date because I had my own personal things to get in order first.

I feel a little cheated when I think of all the hard work I have done over the years and he is only now. . after finding someone he likes, considering starting his.

 

His response was that he hadn't met anyone he like until me. . . .that made me angrier. .How unfair is that to me?. . and to him?

 

Anyway . .after some more discussion . .It's clearly just not black and white for him. I can see how he assumed it was the impulsive choice in his last partner/wife combined with his last dr telling him his testosterone was low.

 

As much as I want to stay mad and disappointed. . it's also not that easy. He is genuinely eager to start counseling. . and I like him .

One day at a time.

 

I did warn I may be dialed back a little. . and if he'll be patient with me I'll be patient with him.

Meanwhile. . I am booking up my time with my gal pals. . life goes on and I learned along time ago, I don't have a crystal ball.

[missmarple]

Well, at least, he's eager to do something about it. I really hope it works.

[happpybear]

then why on earth was he dating?

And. .if this was an emotional issue. .then why wasn't he dealing with it before he decided to join a dating website?

 

Ya I get this, I would be bit resentful too. It surprises me the amount of people that don't deal with their issues before dating. And ya, it's not fair to you, because now you have developed feelings...and maybe that was the ploy...get you invested, and then dump all the bad stuff but then you would be more likely to stick around...I hate that crap. I realize that sounds really cynical but I have had this happen to me in the past--except they said all the right things, but never actually did much to fix their issues. Once you are invested it's so hard to just walk away, especially if they are saying all the right things about wanting to fix it/change etc. Hopefully he is not just paying you lip service and is legit about working this out. I think one day at a time is the best option too, and the most you can do--for your own sake...until he shows that he is actually legit and genuinely working to overcome it.

[testcase]

I'd just take it easy and keep seeing him. I mean you guys hooked up 2 of the 4 times you tried right? With no assistance from medication? I mean I'm in my 30s but I can imagine eventually it's like a crapshoot whether or not you'll get where you want to be. I mean that's why there's a bazillion commercials for other alternatives right? I'd give it a try. He seems seriously willing to work with you here.

[reinventmyself]

. . I am in emotional hibernation mode.

Between him and my best friend I just need to shut down sometimes.

 

. . He bought me a bike for Valentines day. We've been dating 7 weeks and he thought an $800 bike was an appropriate gift ;(

 

I guess the talks about him dialing it back a bit in order for me to adjust and catch up wasn't heard.

 

I don't know what to do right now. .so for now I will do nothing. When I step back and crawl into my shell. .the answer tends to come to me.

[notalady]

I feel like he's just too keen to win you over. The more you retreat and express uncertainty, the more he feels like he needs to do more to get you to change your mind, when in fact retreating himself would have been a better strategy.

 

$800 bike is indeed over the top for an occasion like v day.. What did you agree on for v day gifting and celebration?

 

Did you tell him specifically what you needed him to do (or rather, not do!) in order to feel like he's backing off and giving you space? I'm going to cite the situation with my bf again as an example, I told him specifically no more lovey dovey sappy words (because that's what made me feel pressured), and told him to save the expensive gifts for later (after he spontaneously got me earrings on a third date lol). Very specific requests and he did them.

 

Another thing to consider is that some people are a bit too generous for special occasions and to them it's not a big deal spending that amount of money on a v day gift whereas to you (and many others), it's too much. Again, my bf is like that. He got me a whole heaps of stuff and custom made cake and a night in a nice hotel for my birthday (this was after I retracted the no expensive gifts policy of course haha), it would have costed over $1000 collectively. He thinks it's no big deal, since it was my birthday and it's within his budget.

[reinventmyself]

There were no specifics on Vday exchanges. I didn't think I needed to. ;/ Apparently I was mistaken.

I bought him his favorite hair product(s). . awkward.

 

Yes. .I will have to have this talk with him again.

He still throws out the `L' word even after I asked him to dial back. I guess he may have refrained for a day or two and now it's back on.. . hmmm, if he even refrained I may have missed it.

I guess I need to be more specific.

I do feel pressured. and maybe a little `bought' right now.

 

It was kinda sad, his best friend and gf came by and saw the bike. These two are young and have been together for 5 yrs and she's desperate to get married. He sent her flowers and we went to dinner together. When she saw the bike her face fell . . .and I can tell she was a little upset.

I don't blame her. . but on the other hand. . flowers and dinner feels appropriate to me!

 

Thanks for sharing your story. . makes me feel better that you've been there and through it and it still worked out.

I am feeling really on edge lately and afraid I may cut him lose and regret it.

He is such a great guy in so many ways. .

It's just hard to be objective. .

thx!

 

(this bike has wooden fenders, handles and basket, leather embossed seat with lacing. .good grief. .I didn't know they made bikes like this)