Dating Journal

[Batya33]

I think his actions show that for now he is on the fence -that is why he is not trying to schedule dates -not because he's bad at dating but because he's not motivated enough to make plans to see you on a regular basis. But that could change- maybe he realizes now from the kiss that he sparked with you. You don't have to ask him anything. I would see if he asks you out again (I think you already asked him out a few times, right?).

 

I don't mean for you to think you did anything wrong or that you're not worthy of his attention/desire. Far from it. He barely know you in the context of a potential romantic relationship.

[missmarple]

I wouldn't ask either...and I agree with Batya that he seems to be on the fence. Leave it up to him...noone is that bad at dating that they won't ask a girl out when they're interested.

[Batya33]

I wouldn't ask either...and I agree with Batya that he seems to be on the fence. Leave it up to him...noone is that bad at dating that they won't ask a girl out when they're interested.

 

And here she asked him out a few times too so it's at least equal.

[happpybear]

Ya, i have no intention of asking him if he likes me...just thinking out loud there...

 

I have only asked him out once, for our third date. He asked me out the other three times. So it's not entirely equal. But still, since most women don't ask out a guy at all in these early stages, and coupled with the fact that I accepted this last date with him despite a 4 week hiatus....I think that indicates that I am sufficiently interested, so I have no intention of asking him out again for now. I want to see some consistency from him before I do that again.

 

I have not heard from him today yet, and I am reluctant to initiate any contact, actually.

[notalady]

The way you interact reminds me of the guy I was dating casually for a while last year. He always kept conversations at a superficial level and avoided engaging in any meaningful conversations and forming any emotional bonds. I was confused until that was pointed out to me on ENA lol...

 

He was also always casual about asking me out, actinng like we were friends or something.

[happpybear]

^^I do wonder if he is just simply emotionally unavailable. time will tell.

 

However, we've only met four times, we barely know each other. We do progress a bit more each date, it's just at a snails pace compared to what I have experienced in the past. But I can't base this on my past because the guys from my past were the opposite in a bad way.

 

I think the problem last night too, was that the momentum was broken because of the 4 week hiatus. Speaking personally, I felt that I took a step back because of this, it almost felt like we were on a second date instead of the fourth.

 

I was unsure of how to BE on the date. and I was unsure of how to even greet him. The third date ended with a kiss, so logically (to me at least) the 4rth date would start with a kiss for greeting (that would feel right to me normally), and had this 4rth date happened in a timely manner, that greeting kiss would have been normal and easy for me to do. But because of the break, I didn't feel right kissing him and he didn't go for it either, it was just a hug.

[Batya33]

I wouldn't assume "emotionally unavailable" or any other therapyspeak label. He just might not click enough with you but for his own reasons (practice at dating, seeing if a spark develops) he still has some interest in seeing you.

[milly007]

I want to give A the benefit of the doubt and say maybe, just maybe, he's the cautious type and wanting to take things slow and get to know you. But the thing is, he can take his time getting to know you, without taking it this slow. I also can't help but think that he sounds like he's comfortably single (like someone mentioned earlier in this thread) and he's just used to putting his own needs first. I hope he moves faster in terms of scheduling your next date, and that he doesn't wait four weeks again. Otherwise, if he waits four more weeks again, are you going to say something?

[reinventmyself]

I dated someone like this recently. But at the end of a date he would expect to have sex. Yet there was no flirtation, no attempt at holding my hand. Very neutral and `friendly' but zero romance.

 

Just like you, you can typically pick up a queue when a guy is interested. . even a little bit. . especially when we are looking for it!

But when I would see and feel nothing I was caught off guard by him thinking that sex was in plan.

 

At first I considered being offended. . then after this happened each time I realized - it was all he knew.

We live quite a distance from each other and after his last visit, when he got home he asked `where we were' because he apparently was confused by my not wanting to be sexual. It was an awkward conversation to tell him he hadn't even tried to hold my hand. .doesn't contact me in any consistent sort of way. .I am not complaining, I like his friendship but I never got the a romance vibe from him, therefore don't feel sexual towards him.

As it turns out I am not the first woman that has told him this.

He had asked me to come visit in a couple weeks. I was going to until he started asking me to check out a B&B he was thinking of booking for my stay.

I've since told him that I wouldn't be coming to visit. .

 

It's so hit and miss. . more miss than hits.

 

It may just be his way. . .time will tell.

[Batya33]

I want to give A the benefit of the doubt and say maybe, just maybe, he's the cautious type and wanting to take things slow and get to know you. But the thing is, he can take his time getting to know you, without taking it this slow. I also can't help but think that he sounds like he's comfortably single (like someone mentioned earlier in this thread) and he's just used to putting his own needs first. I hope he moves faster in terms of scheduling your next date, and that he doesn't wait four weeks again. Otherwise, if he waits four more weeks again, are you going to say something?

 

I think if he wanted to take things slowly and was really into her he would want her to know that and know that he is behaving this way because he wants to take his time getting to know her -so that he wouldn't risk her being snapped up by some other guy.

[milly007]

I think if he wanted to take things slowly and was really into her he would want her to know that and know that he is behaving this way because he wants to take his time getting to know her -so that he wouldn't risk her being snapped up by some other guy.

 

I'd hope he tell her this. Otherwise, yeah, I do think he would fall into the dating dufus category. Either way, I don't think he's taking it this slow to get to know her. I honestly believe you can take your time getting to know someone, but at a much faster pace. I definitely don't get this guy and I'm frustrated for happpybear. He seems way too comfortable moving at an unreasonably slow pace.

[itsallgrand]

Yeah, when I said he may be unaware I meant that he may not realize how his on-off again contact and asking of dates may be gumming up the works here. He may have it in his head that it's all clear sailing so long as HappyBear is still receptive when he does contact her in some way. Yes, some people are this clueless.

 

Whatever the case, she can either go with the flow he sets or call him out on it.Sometimes calling out, in a nice way, can wake somebody up. Like hey, I either need to up my game here or this person is out. I've had more than one man in my past dating adventures do this and it went something like "I really like you, and I want to see more of you, are you up for that?" and then they upped the pace and I either kept up or they were gone. And to tell the truth, it did do a good job for those guys who I was really on the fence about and being too cavalier about finding that out before I wasted any more of their time.

 

My stupidity has some purpose at least maybe it can help others? lol. I've been in the shoes of being that cavalier and I just wouldn't bet, having been there, that someone would break out of that on their own.

[happpybear]

Thank you IAG. I think I should maybe employ a line like this "I really like you, and I want to see more of you, are you up for that?" It's not too pressuring, and will probably clear-up everything. If he isn't interested, he can say he is not interested or make some excuse.

 

despite all of this, and maybe I am crazy, I do like the guy. really.

 

but I just can't keep sitting here wondering what the F is happening...it's getting stressful.

[ballerinababe]

Hi Happpybear, I've been following your thread quietly. I think IAG's advice is spot on and you should send that text!

[Batya33]

Thank you IAG. I think I should maybe employ a line like this "I really like you, and I want to see more of you, are you up for that?" It's not too pressuring, and will probably clear-up everything. If he isn't interested, he can say he is not interested or make some excuse.

 

despite all of this, and maybe I am crazy, I do like the guy. really.

 

but I just can't keep sitting here wondering what the F is happening...it's getting stressful.

 

I think you don't give into your impatience. That text sounds overwhelming to me, especially sent by text - if he wants to see you more he knows where to reach you . Interpret silence as lack of interest in seeing you -that is your closure if you need it. If you really want to say those words to him text him and non-dramatically write "when can we talk, I wanted to ask you something" and then ask him on the phone. At most I would say "I had a nice time the other night, when do you want to get together again?". Because what you are saying is far more forward than just asking him out on a date and you'll get exactly the same info.

[missmarple]

When someone asks you out on dates, you accept his invites, he kisses you, you kiss him back, he texts/calls you, you return the texts/calls + you've already asked him out once, he has to be stupid to not know you're interested in him, so, I don't see what purpose that text would serve.

 

I used to be like that. Meaning, when I was in my '20s, I was much more forward than I am now, mostly because I didn't want to waste my time if someone wasn't interested, so, I just had to know...and, also, because, by character, I'm a very straight forward person. But (and this took years to realise) I realised that I wasn't happy with that approach..I ended up dating (or even in relationships with) guys that I always had some doubt at the back of my mind if they were really into me or were with me because I made everything so easy for them. So, I stopped making excuse for men (he's too shy, he's too confused, he's bad at dating, blah blah blah) and let them show their interest in me..or not. I've had less relationships than before ever since I took that approach but, at least, I've never had that feeling of uncertainty again (is he really interested?) and that's important to me.

 

To sum up, I certainly don't believe in playing hard to get...relationships have to be equal. I believe in showing your interest. But, at the same time, once I've showed someone I'm interested (I go out with him, I kiss him, etc) and he doesn't follow up, I take him off my mind and focus on others. It's not easy to do but for me it works. If you're really adamant about sending that text, I would do it as Batya advises and see what he says.

[Batya33]

I still would go with the default of "silence =lack of interest in dating" and force yourself to let that be your closure so you don't waste precious time ruminating and over-analyzing.

[testcase]

This fuggin guy lol. I agree with others. Put the ball in his court. Put on some pressure. This is bs. You're not asking for a proposal!!! Maybe just one date a week. Wouldn't be too tough for him to do.

[testcase]

I still would go with the default of "silence =lack of interest in dating" and force yourself to let that be your closure so you don't waste precious time ruminating and over-analyzing.

What's funny is I was in the same situation. I just eventually stopped messaging her because I felt like I was putting in all the work with no return.

 

I guess that's to say silence doesn't always mean lack odd interest.

[Batya33]

What's funny is I was in the same situation. I just eventually stopped messaging her because I felt like I was putting in all the work with no return.

 

I guess that's to say silence doesn't always mean lack odd interest.

 

It always did in my case because I always reciprocated and showed interest. Seemed like this person did too.

[bluebell29]

Happybear, my advice is don't do anything! Put him out of your mind and move on and if he comes back, he comes back. I think guys need to come to their own realisation and pressuring them to do something doesn't work well in my experience! If you cool off, he's gonna be like 'where did she go?' and then he's going to ask himself whether he really likes you and if he realises he does ,he will be back. So don't interfere in this process!

[faraday]

Normally I would send the text and bring it to a head....make him decide then and there what he was doing.

 

Sometimes I wonder if I should have just left things...let them come back on their own (while I move on and live my life).

 

I wonder how many guys I "scared" away by being my blunt self? Idk.

 

I was actually thinking about this yesterday. Jay was "introverting" yesterday (what I call his purple moods)...and I was thinking about....I read "men are from Mars" written for fifth graders, but it had a term called "caving".....and normally when a guy is "caving", I smother them and they're gone....but since reading that book, I've backed off....and they always come back...

 

Sorry, I'm still sick so my thoughts don't articulate as solidly. Your text dilemma just reminded me of that...

 

It goes against all my normal reactions...but maybe just let him go for now....focus on other men...and see if A gets it together. *shrugs*

 

Idk if I would be able to follow that though....I would really want to say something lol

 

 

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

[quirky]

I read "men are from Mars" written for fifth graders

 

Hahaha! I have read the book too and I remember being in the bookshop picking it up then putting it down, reading a bit, feeling drawn to it, putting it down again, facing an inner conflict "why would an intellectual woman like me read this trash??!" But I found it a helpful guide in many ways.

 

Happybear..dudette, I don't get it. What is going on with this guy. This is elementary level, I mean..he just has to keep up contact up so you don't stray. I reckon he hasn't dated in a while. You say you really like him so stick it out if you like but don't put all your hopes on there. Maybe go on another date (with another man) to take the edge off?

 

What do you wear on the dates? Maybe a sexier outfit might elicit a compliment on the next date, walk more seductively, have an alluring gaze..lol

I really don't know what to suggest..give it time to see how you feel. When you say smooch did you mean proper kiss or quick peck?

[happpybear]

Ya so I have decided to just sit tight and follow his lead for the next while. I'm not taking him seriously right now. And I have other things on my mind right now too, so that helps to keep me from overthinking.

 

I have this really strong urge to just call him out on it, but I feel like we haven't gotten to the level of familiarity that would make it ok to ask about it. We haven't progressed enough emotionally and physically yet. If we were 8+ dates in and he was still dragging his feet then I would definitely tell him to piss or get off the pot.

 

I had planned to turn the matching back on again near the end of the month when I have more time to sift through profiles. If A starts to get his s**t together before then, I might not. But considering his track record...And I know he is really busy for the next few weeks too, so I am not expecting anything.

 

@quirky

 

I haven't really been able to dress sexy. All of our dates (except that last one) were on nights when it was -30 degrees outside. So I was wearing sweaters and jeans and flat winter boots. My jeans are tight, and sweaters fitted, but it was pretty casual/conservative.

 

The kiss was not a peck, lips locked for a few seconds, though no tongue or anything. This was a step up from the last date which was just a peck....it was a quicker/simpler kiss than I have ever had for a 4rth date, but I was surprised it even happened at all actually.

 

If we go out again, I am going to start flirting with him more, and complimenting him...maybe that will get the ball rolling. He is fun to be with, very funny, very cerebral....maybe just doesn't know how to flirt?....who knows.

[Batya33]

He is not dragging his feet right now. He has not asked you out for another date so as of right now assume you had your last date. If he ever wants to ask you out again he will call you in the future and if you're still interested and available you can consider it then.

 

If you do see him again I would be open, approachable and friendly -just show up ,look nice, be nice and don't indulge in the "he doesn't know how to flirt" etc. People move towards pleasure and away from pain. If it gives him pleasure to spend time with you and pursue you romantically he will make sure you know that so that you are not snapped up by some other guy. It might not be in the flirty way you're used to but you will know, unmistakably.

 

Right now you know that he doesn't choose to be in touch regularly or ask you out regularly. Nothing to do with busy -if he was terribly busy he'd still be in contact, tell you why he couldn't see you right away, tell you he couldn't wait to see you and make a plan in advance if he possibly could or let you know clearly why he couldn't. I don't think that's a rigid view on my part -I'm just giving examples of how people who are interested in spending time with other people act.

 

If you two were exclusively dating -or had been on 8-10 dates regularly -then sure you could suggest to him that you didn't want to do all the asking or ask him what his intentions are towards you, etc. No line in the sand but I agree with you that 3-4 dates that include a first meet and you asking him out is far too early to say anything -still at the stage where silence =lack of interest - that is your closure. I'm sorry it's frustrating but I don't think it's shocking -you saw on the last date that there really wasn't much romance in the air.