Dating Journal

[Batya33]

I think in total I've had 3 guys flip out when I've said "no thanks". Oddly...I hadn't met any of them! If I've met a guy and then said thanks but no thanks, they're polite...if we haven't met, they'll freak out. And that's over a 5 year span and 250-300 actually first meets (so a lot more people that in talking to decided not to meet). It's not an often occurrence.

 

I used to poof, but then I found the eHarmony dating advice forums (just like these actually) with so many people saying "does this person like me? I'm so confused, I thought we had a good time but I haven't heard from him/her" and I realized I could become part of the solution rather than perpetuating the problem.

 

Different strokes. I had hundreds of first meets and blind dates too. I much preferred to hear nothing -that was perfect closure for me -obviously he did not want another date. If I left the meet or the date with no future date planned, time and place I had him off my radar immediately. If he called, great, I made another plan -if not - I barely noticed. If he did the "sorry but I'm not asking you out again" that was ok too but completely unnecessary -the silence was clear.

 

I made exceptions if the guy went the extra mile in some way or there was something that happened on the date where I knew he assumed that I would follow up in some way. Then I always did.

[faraday]

Different strokes. I had hundreds of first meets and blind dates too. I much preferred to hear nothing -that was perfect closure for me -obviously he did not want another date. If I left the meet or the date with no future date planned, time and place I had him off my radar immediately. If he called, great, I made another plan -if not - I barely noticed. If he did the "sorry but I'm not asking you out again" that was ok too but completely unnecessary -the silence was clear.

 

About 80% of the guys I met for first meets wanted to go out a second time. So they would call or text. I was interested in meeting about 5% of those guys (and 5% of the 20% of guys that weren't interested in me! Damn it lol). So if I never heard from a guy again, of course I wouldn't initiate specifically to tell him no thanks. But if he texted me for a date (80% of the time they did), I would say thanks but no thanks. I hate being left hanging. And all of them wished me well. Good guys. *shrugs*

[happpybear]

Ya, I would also never initiate a rejection if the guy didn't first try to set-up anther date, that would be weird and kinda presumptious . If they don't contact me for a second date then I let it go. if they contact me and I'm not feeling it, then I say no thanks..

[milly007]

happpybear, I really hope things work out for you with A. It sounds like you two have some chemistry (and to be honest, he sounds shy!).

 

I don't necessarily initiate dates with guys either, but if I found myself in a position like you, where I really liked a guy that seemed shy and didn't seem to take the initiative that I was hoping for from the get-go, I'd be doing the same as you. I'd be making things happen so I can see him!

 

It's funny...I guess it depends on the guy. If the guy is taking the initiative, great! But if he isn't and I really like him, I would regret it if I didn't at least try to move things along.

 

Good for you, happpybear!

 

As long as you're happy/comfortable with the way you're approaching things, that's really all that matters, obviously.

 

I'm glad you set up that date with A.

 

Onward and upward!

[happpybear]

Thanks milly for the well wishes! I also strongly think he is just shy and slow paced, not ambivalent--but I don't want to assume anything just yet.

 

It was the look on his face after that kiss (he had the biggest smile I have ever seen!) and that silly giggle..lol

 

I usually only set up a date when I am confident enough that there is sufficient interest on his part. There have been 2 times in the past, when I asked out guys that I was acquainted with because I *thought* they were into me, they were flirty etc. but not asking me out and I was confused--these were NOT shy guys. So I asked them out for first dates, both of those guys ended-up stringing me along. They were ambivalent from the start, liked to flirt, but that was it. They canceled dates last minute, and I was basically chasing them down...doing 90% of the initiating. So I learned the hard way what "he just not that into you" actually is, and that chasing someone is bad, whether you are the girl chasing or the guy chasing. If things aren't equally reciprocated sufficiently, then back off. they probably aren't into you.

 

So, my last BF, was crazy shy. He saw me everyday on a commuter train for 6 months and couldn't get it together to talk to me. I didn't even notice him. No idea he existed, because I was not dating--totally in hermit mode. After 6 months, he finally approached me--stuttering, shaking and blushing and gave me his number. I was pretty impressed that he worked through the silence to cold approach me in a busy public place. So I called him, he was a nervous basketcase on the phone, so I asked him on our first date. I felt comfortable doing this because I knew he wanted to see me....if he had of been different, I probably would not have asked him out. After that, I never had to initiate any other date, he made it crystal clear that he wanted to see me and planned everything.

 

I feel comfortable being more forward when I see the signs of interest, but also that shyness. I understand shyness, I used to be that person, I see it in my brother who has NEVER asked out a women in his entire life--all his GF's asked him out and got the ball rolling, and he is a good guy, a good relationship-minded guy. I am willing to put myself out there a little more if he is a shy guy and also seems like a good guy. I feel it's worth it to try. And it's ok if my efforts are in vain and he rejects me, that's ok, I'm not everyone's cup of tea, but at least I tried.

[Batya33]

About 80% of the guys I met for first meets wanted to go out a second time. So they would call or text. I was interested in meeting about 5% of those guys (and 5% of the 20% of guys that weren't interested in me! Damn it lol). So if I never heard from a guy again, of course I wouldn't initiate specifically to tell him no thanks. But if he texted me for a date (80% of the time they did), I would say thanks but no thanks. I hate being left hanging. And all of them wished me well. Good guys. *shrugs*

 

I never felt like I was left hanging if someone I met once didn't respond to my email or didn't call me for a second meeting. I interpreted it as disinterest. About half of the men I met asked me out again and I was interested in seeing more than half of them again.

[faraday]

I never felt like I was left hanging if someone I met once didn't respond to my email or didn't call me for a second meeting. I interpreted it as disinterest. About half of the men I met asked me out again and I was interested in seeing more than half of them again.

 

We're talking about completely different things here. I don't think you understand what I'm saying.

 

 

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

[Batya33]

We're talking about completely different things here. I don't think you understand what I'm saying.

 

 

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

 

Sorry if I misinterpreted. You said you didn't want to leave someone hanging. That was what I was responding to. Typed words can be misinterpreted. Sounds like you had a great success rate meeting men through on line dating.

[happpybear]

I get what both of you (Batya, faraday) are putting down here

 

Everyone has there own way of doing things, and I agree that you should treat others the way you want to be treated. If I was getting hateful messages from even half of the guys that I rejected I might rethink the sending a "no thanks" message and taking the silence route instead.

[Batya33]

I get what both of you (Batya, faraday) are putting down here

 

Everyone has there own way of doing things, and I agree that you should treat others the way you want to be treated. If I was getting hateful messages from even half of the guys that I rejected I might rethink the sending a "no thanks" message and taking the silence route instead.

 

When I started dating in the 1980s (no voicemail/internet/cell phones) it was typical that if the guy didn't call you for another date within a week that meant he didn't want to see you again. Sometimes you found out why and sometimes not. And it was typical that if a guy called you and you didn't want to see him again (outside of a steady relationship -in the first few dates) you didn't call him back. With the internet it was easier to hide behind email and email the person about your disinterest but at first that was seen as pretty cowardly (silence was almost better than that).

 

And yes when I was around 14 and a guy called me for another date I pretended to be someone else and said that "I" had moved down South to live with a grandmother . Teenage stuff (that could not be done today with today's technology).

 

I did give someone a critique of his behavior on our date because he begged me to. He responded about 2 years later -to thank me for that input - he said he was upset when he read the email (even though he begged for it) but it really helped with his dating life. I replied implying that I might be open to seeing him again. Silence as a response LOL.

[faraday]

So....we need an update girl. What's happening?

[quirky]

So, my last BF, was crazy shy. He saw me everyday on a commuter train for 6 months and couldn't get it together to talk to me. I didn't even notice him. No idea he existed, because I was not dating--totally in hermit mode. After 6 months, he finally approached me--stuttering, shaking and blushing and gave me his number. I was pretty impressed that he worked through the silence to cold approach me in a busy public place. So I called him, he was a nervous basketcase on the phone, so I asked him on our first date. I felt comfortable doing this because I knew he wanted to see me....if he had of been different, I probably would not have asked him out. After that, I never had to initiate any other date, he made it crystal clear that he wanted to see me and planned everything.

 

Happybear I was wondering about something..don't you worry that if a guy is terribly shy that means he might not be assertive in life or in relation to his needs/yourself? This is my experience so far and I am wondering how has it been for you dating someone very shy.

[happpybear]

Things have been odd lately

 

Seems things have stalled out with Lumberjack. It'll be two weeks tomorrow since our last date, and while he still initiates communication with me almost every day, I am acutely aware that he has not asked me out again. The days that he contacted me last week he was (apparently) either on a job, or had just returned from a job (after 9pm). So I assumed he was busy. Fine.

 

Plus it was Valentine week...which TBH, was stressing me out, I actually didn't WANT to go out with him last week, just because of the VDay nonsense. If we went out on a fourth date (even if it wasn't on Vday) it would have put even more pressure on us, and it's way to soon to do anything for Vday IMO...So in a way I was relieved. I'm not anti-valentines (I bought flowers and ice cream for myself) but I prefer to avoid it at all costs unless I am in an established relationship.

 

We didn't contact each other at all on Friday or Saturday. But he contacted me on Sunday and yesterday, and said that he was battling a terrible cold. Fine.

 

So the equation, Work Busy + Looming Vday + Bad Cold = No date....Fine. But the thing that gets me, is that there is no indication whatever that he wants to get together in the future at all. So there's no "hey I'm busy, but next week I can meet you..." or "I'm sick right now, but should be good for next weekend, so let's get together then...'

 

I don't mind much that he contacts me to chit chat at this point, but If he hasn't planned a date by the weekend...then I'm gonna tell him in a nice way that I cant keep doing this and if he wants to talk we can meet in person. I figure he will either disappear, or it will nudge him into action. My mother thinks I should nudge him but not plan anything for us since the ball is in his court this tim, just say that if he wants to get together again to just let me know when he is free, or something like that,...just to see if that helps.

 

I have had the matching turned off since out third date, and I'm keeping it off for at least the next week because I am really busy myself these days. If things are still at a stand-still with Lumberjack by Sunday I am turning the matching on again. I really really dig the guy...but I don't want to plan the next date. I feel like it's his turn, because I am questioning his interest level at this point.

 

I have never been in such a situation in all my life...

 

Weird Story

 

 

About a month ago, I went for sushi with my regular sushi meetup group. A new guy (D, a middle-aged man) joined and brought a "friend". The friend was a young woman, and I assumed the two were a couple based on the way they interacted...D called her "Hon" a few times and he paid their bill. Afterward, he messaged me directly on the website and said he enjoyed meeting me. So I replied and said it was nice to meet him and his companion and they should join us again

 

Personally, I found D a bit obnoxious, he was funny and entertaining, but he kept making fun of my choice to bring my own soy sauce (I can't eat conventional soy sauce because some of the additives kill my stomach, so I bring my own alternative which is pure), he was really loud and kinda boorish and kept making this snorking nose, as if he was horking back snot in his nose...ugh

 

Fast forward last week. On Wednesday D posted a message on the meetup group page asking if anyone wanted to get sushi. The group organizer had not organized another meetup yet. D then messaged me directly asking if I wanted to go, and since I figured he was going to bring his "friend" I said yes, because to me it was going to be a purely platonic meeting and I was craving sushi so I agreed. He asked me what days I was free on the weekend, so I said Saturday (Valentines Day) and Monday. He agreed to meet on VDay...I didn't really think much of it...I also asked another girl from the group if she wanted to join but she was busy and declined.

 

So I meet D at the restaurant and was alarmed when I saw that he was alone, so I asked him where his GF was, and he said that she wasn't his GF and that he hadn't talked to her in a month...so we sat down and then he started saying weird things. That he had thought about bringing a rose and chocolates, and I said, well thanks for not doing that because it would have been weird, and I reiterated again that I assumed that he had a GF and that this was NOT a date. He then asked me if I had been "fishing" to find out his relationship status when I had messaged to say that he and the woman should join us again...I assured him that I was not fishing and that I automatically assumed that he was with someone and I was not looking to find out if he was single...

 

Then he started teLling me that he and his female colleagues had been analyzing my responses to his messages to determine whether I was interested in him....I was like, what the fock? I said AGAIN that I had assumed this was a platonic meetup, nothing more.

 

So at this point I am feeling really annoyed and weirded-out. So I suggest we order our lunch, and so after that, he said, "ok tell me how your week went and then when that is out of the way you can ask me whatever you want, We'll just get the small talk out of the way before we get to know each other"....I was like...what the fock?

 

So then I decided that I really need to get the message accross that I am not into him, and did not assume that this was a date, so I started talking about Lumberjack. It didn't seem to work, because D started aggressively flirting with me, asking me about my lingerie preferences, favorite sexual positions, and tried really hard to get me to have some alcohol (after I told him that I don't drink much because I get drunk very fast). Then he told me that he was really into me and that I am very kissable, and blah blah blah...I spent most of our lunch laughing hysterically, not because he was funny, but because what he was saying was so outrageous...

 

So when we were leaving me kissed me...I tried to dodge it and give him the cheek but he was quick and got me on the lips!!! *cringe* Then he said that he didn't care that I was into someone else and that he was going to ask me out again regardless--he offered me a ride home, which I declined (for safety, and the guy had 3 beers in two hours!). Then I ducked into a store and hide there so that he wouldn't be able to follow me home or anything like that.

 

Since then he has sent me about 7 meetup messages, which I haven't replied to

 

I am pissed though...because now I don't want to go to any more sushi meetups with this group in case he shows-up. I was really enjoying this group and got on really well with some of the regulars.

[happpybear]

Happybear I was wondering about something..don't you worry that if a guy is terribly shy that means he might not be assertive in life or in relation to his needs/yourself? This is my experience so far and I am wondering how has it been for you dating someone very shy.

 

Yes I worry about this, whether he is just love shy, or shy around women, or if he is just passive in general. I have only been in a relationship with one shy guy (the one who I had to ask out) and he was most definitely not passive in the rest of his life, just around me in the very beginning.

[Batya33]

EWL re the middle aged man.

 

I have a few reasons why I was so impressed with what you wrote - not sure if in order of priority:

 

1. You really like Lumberjack but yet have this great no-nonsense attitude about his actions (or lack thereof)

2. You bought yourself ice cream for Vday - I love when people buy themselves gifts but you obviously were very self-considerate about the ice cream since it is a more unusual choice for Vday.

 

(I agree to leave the ball in his court -no more asking or nudging -you've done enough and planned at least one if not two interesting and fun dates)

[faraday]

D sounds like a complete d-bag. Wow...that's horrid...I'm sorry you had to go through that what a creep!

 

As for A...I like him...but I think you need to give up on him. Even if he's really busy...he should be figuring out creative ways to see you. In the beginning, jay came over one day to help me set up a bed frame because I had a four hour window that my new mattress was going to be delivered in and it was my only free time that weekend. He also met me at costco one day. And met me for breakfast one morning. When you like someone, you want to see them....you'll do anything to make it happen...and....this isn't looking good for A

[happpybear]

EWL re the middle aged man.

 

I have a few reasons why I was so impressed with what you wrote - not sure if in order of priority:

 

1. You really like Lumberjack but yet have this great no-nonsense attitude about his actions (or lack thereof)

2. You bought yourself ice cream for Vday - I love when people buy themselves gifts but you obviously were very self-considerate about the ice cream since it is a more unusual choice for Vday.

 

(I agree to leave the ball in his court -no more asking or nudging -you've done enough and planned at least one if not two interesting and fun dates)

 

Thank you!

 

Ice cream is very dear to me, but I am not supposed to eat it. I haven't had it in 3 years. Since I ate it, I am now dealing with an acne break-out. I love it, but it really is a treat so there has to be a good reason to eat it. I figure VDay is a good day to do that

 

D sounds like a complete d-bag. Wow...that's horrid...I'm sorry you had to go through that what a creep!

 

As for A...I like him...but I think you need to give up on him. Even if he's really busy...he should be figuring out creative ways to see you. In the beginning, jay came over one day to help me set up a bed frame because I had a four hour window that my new mattress was going to be delivered in and it was my only free time that weekend. He also met me at costco one day. And met me for breakfast one morning. When you like someone, you want to see them....you'll do anything to make it happen...and....this isn't looking good for A

 

ya see I agree! This is what ALL my previous BF's were like. With A, he isn't even asking me what my schedule is like to even try to get together! Like...I don't understand it....And I never initiate any communication with this guy, it's all him. I am starting to find it all very amusing actually, like how much longer can this go on? I think I should start taking bets on when he might actually ask me out again..

[faraday]

ya see I agree! This is what ALL my previous BF's were like. With A, he isn't even asking me what my schedule is like to even try to get together! Like...I don't understand it....And I never initiate any communication with this guy, it's all him. I am starting to find it all very amusing actually, like how much longer can this go on? I think I should start taking bets on when he might actually ask me out again..

I have one guy friend that I met on ICQ 16 years ago....that emailed/texted/called daily for 8 years without wanting to meet. I never initiated. I still don't (but I hear from him less now)...we met at long last, two summers ago. He wasn't catfishing me...and he was interested....just not enough to make it happen. I think he thought it was an ego boost (he's not very smart...I wasn't really interested in him for more than friendship after the first year (I was 15 at the beginning)...in that time I met, dated, became engaged, had a child...I mean...life happened....he just wanted someone to talk to. He was cool talking for years. And I wasted a year (Well, as much as a 15 year old can waste not dating lol) waiting around for him before I realized he wasn't going to get it together.

 

I had it happen all the time in OLD. Some people just want text buddies. It's sad.

[happpybear]

It IS sad...why pay the money (this is eH) to just...text someone endlessly.

 

I'm not going to let it hold me back though, I like him--and think we are really compatible, but everyday that goes by where he initiates a text convo and then doesn't ask me out makes me loose interest a little more. I don't even bother to initiate anything with him anymore, because if he were to discontinue talking to me, that would be ok....and at least I would know where I stood! When a few days go by and I haven't heard from him I figure he has finally disappeared, but then he pops up again and so then I get confused....I don't want to just stop responding, so I am going to employ Batya brilliant line from a few pages back about being too busy to text, blah blah. Hopefully his response to that will put an end to my confusion.

[milly007]

Wow, that A definitely has to step up to the plate, and I hope he does soon, happpybear. If he wants to make things happen, surely he's concerned that you're going to be snatched-up by some other suitor. He definitely has to make more of an effort with you, and I'm glad to hear that you're going to say something to him if he doesn't take any initiative by the end of this week. I love the convenience of texting, but sometimes I think it's makes things too easy for some people to make less of an effort (especially when it comes to online dating).

[happpybear]

The thing is too, that it's not like he didn't initiate dates, he initiated the first and second dates, he wanted to meet me right away but Xmas family stuff delayed all of that for a week....so he was sufficiently interested enough to meet me at that point, so I don't think he was looking for a text buddy--at least at that point. So...I'm leaning toward thinking that he just isn't all that into me. And so I have been relegated to text buddy. If that is the case it would be nice if could grab his balls and tell me honestly.

 

Anyway, deadline is Sunday. We shall see what happens....

[happpybear]

but sometimes I think it's makes things too easy for some people to make less of an effort (especially when it comes to online dating).

 

YES. there is a...lack of enthusiasm with texting. It's lazy.

[happpybear]

My deadline came and went and A did nothing, quelle surprise?

 

He texted me on thursday sending pics of his dog and told me some amusing anecdotes about his dog. On Sunday he texted and I asked him how his weekend had gone, and he said that he had been renovating his basement a bit on Saturday, then hanging out with a friend, then reading and watching TV on Sunday.....after he told me that I stopped replying soon after. I just kept thinking, well if he really wanted to see me he could have found 2 hours to come and meet me, seeing as how he really wasn't doing much, and the weather was actually good on Sunday. He could have asked me if I was free when he contacted me on Thursday. He did not. Why he even bothered to contact me at all is what really gets me...why do that? If you're not interested?

 

So I'm done. He has not contacted me yet this week and I hope that he doesn't. I will be polite and reply but I'm not going to talk to him beyond a few exchanges. Despite all of this, I do like him as a person, I'm not going to be rude but I'm not giving him much of my free time, nor my headspace.

 

I have decided not to turn on my matching just yet though, the weather this month has been brutal. This week we're experiencing another deep freeze. I have no desire to go outside unless I have too when it's this cold. I have no desire to venture put there to meet new strangers (that will have likely lied about their height anyway, as has been my experience thus far). Plus, it's hard to look cute when you have to bundle-up. I always end up with horrible hat-head, I can't wear long-johns under my sexy jeans. My warmest sweater looks like the sweater that The Dude wore in The Big Lebowski.

 

I'm going to wait a few weeks until the weather starts to become more seasonal. I'm pretty busy anyhow. I'm in the midst of selling old furniture and buying new stuff, I'm going to be starting a year-long course for work soon.

[imsuperman]

It's so bizarre to me that people would lie about their height. It's gonna be pretty obvious when you meet in person, dude.

[Batya33]

I'm glad you're moving on from A.