Dating Journal

[happpybear]

I decided to move my journal to this section. For those who have been following along, if you wish to comment you can PM me directly

[happpybear]

I miss getting hand-written letters. I want to get a love letter again, at some point in my life. I want a man that can write a love letter, is ok with splattering his feelings onto a page and sending that to me. I feel like, love letters were de rigeur back in the day...my grandpa wrote them to my Grandma, love poems actually. And my dad wrote them to my mom, I found some of them once, when I was a teen digging through my parents' closet looking for my mom's collection of old clothes from the 70's that she had kept. I found them in one of her old purses. Dozens, written in my dad's hideous chicken scratch. I only read a paragraph of one letter before I realized what it was, and then I stopped...because I felt like was violating their privacy. And it was weird for me to catch a glimpse of these tender emotions coming from my dad, when I was at an age when I had yet to experience romantic love and didn't fully understand it.

 

But ya, I want to receive love letters. Handwritten. In cursive. I want to see the improper grammar and scratched-out words and phrases, I want to see the ink blots. I want to puzzle over the words and phrases that I can't make out, if the writing is illegible.

 

I want to feel that rush when I open the mailbox and find the letter. The curiosity and then delight of being totally taken by surprise, I want to stop everything I am doing to rip it open and quickly speed read it, with my heart pounding. I want to be so absorbed that I don't notice the sounds and commotion around me, or realize that I may be in someone else's way, just standing there reading the letter.

 

Later, I want to re-read it again and again. In the bath, before bed, upon waking. Pick my favorite parts and read them again, savor them like you would a hard candy as it slowly melts in your mouth.

 

I still remember my first love letter, and I still have it. Though haven't read it in years. I was 16. Three whole pages of notebook paper, front and back filled with chicken scratch from a guy I had one conversation with. He found my address in the phone book, and hand delivered the letter in the middle of the night. I was too young, and didn't think much of myself, why would someone write me a letter? I mocked it to my friends, but secretly read it everyday before bed. This is the one and only love letter I have ever received...not counting birthday/anniversary cards with lovey things written in them

[happpybear]

I turned on the matching last week, and its been rather disappointing to say the least. I used to get like 10-15 matches a day, last week I only got 4 per day, most didn't even seem to look at my profile so I wonder if they are even active. I think March Break may be the reason for a lot of this, as today I seem to be getting more messages from some of the guys I was matched with during the week. I also noticed in January when I turned my matching on after a several week absence that the first week I got a lot of cruddy matches, and then it got a better the next week, so I hope that the quality of matches improve this week.

 

I often wonder if these guys even read my profile...or just message me based on my photo's..one dude who messaged me had the most ridiculous profile....he had a laundry list of specific traits he was looking for in a women, and wrote these silly challenges like "Do you think you can be my perfect woman? I'm looking for the real deal, only message me if you think can you step-up and meet the challenge" Bwhahahaha. The thing that made me laugh too, was that I don't think he read my profile AT ALL, because he wanted an outgoing, life-of-the-party women and that he won't date a women with dogs, only cats are ok for him....I have a dog, and I mentioned it in my profile, and I wrote in my profile that I am a homebody and can be a bit shy in certain situations...I am not the life of the party.

 

Anyhoo, I think I am gonna rewrite some of stuff on my profile, just because when I first joined I wrote stuff I hadn't really given it much thought because I needed to write something, and I haven't updated it at all since mid-December. So in the activities section I wrote that I am a bit of a homebody that enjoys staying in and reading a good book, knitting or playing with my dog etc. And that I enjoy arts 'n crafts, cooking a nice meal and baking. And that I enjoy dorky stuff like jigsaw puzzles and crossword puzzles.

 

So this is all totally relevant, but I don't mention doing anything outdoors. So I am going to add that in the summer I like to get outside more to go hiking/kayaking, and spending time out in nature. That I enjoy going to street festivals and live music concerts or the symphony, wandering through Kensington on Sundays to check out the vintage shops etc.

 

I also really need too start working out again. My photo's and body type are misleading. I am pretty skinny, but right now I'm skinny fat!!! I am so un-toned, but it doesn't look like it, because I am size 2. But yeah, my tush has got a bad case of the jiggles...like Jello!! So these dudes look at my pics and think I am in shape and probably work-out a lot...teeheehee, I've been a lazy bear this winter though....the good thing though is that I seem to tone-up really fast, in a month my bum won't jiggle anymore, so that's good. It's just getting into the routine...I type all this as I nibble on some baklava that I just bought...lmao...

 

Mr. Lumberjack has completely disappeared. There has been radio silence since March 9th.

 

He hasn't blocked our match though yet..neither have I though. I probably should.

When I told my mom that he had just disappeared after 3 months of talking and 4 dates, she was just livid!!! Lol, I told her that this is just par for the course with online dating or dating strangers in general--there is no accountability, because there are no ties, unlike if we had been set-up or met through friends. My mother hasn't "dated" since the '70's and even then it wasn't really dating anyway, she was a teenager back then. But she was just upset that someone would disappear without saying something and she felt bad for me. I told her I was fine, and that I wasn't surprised by the rejection because he had seemed mostly lukewarm, or like he was just going through the motions, but that I was disappointed that he couldn't just say/text something. If we had only gone on 1-2 dates and I hadn't been in contact nearly everyday for three months I wouldn't have cared if he disappeared.

 

Anyway. So it goes. I have a light heart. I feel something good is just around the corner.

 

Sun is shining

the weather is sweet

Make you wanna move your dancing feet...

[happpybear]

I have been communicating with E this week, one of the more promising matches sent my way. He is 40, a mechanical engineer, has two teenage sons (that freaks me out a bit...I have ever dated a man with kids), and loves ancient history. He wants a woman that would like to travel to archaeological sites around the world, which is right up my alley!! I wrote to him that I have participated in archaeological digs and want to volunteer for more in the future. He hasn't messaged back yet. I hope we meet up soon. Though, I am having the most ridiculous acne breakout right now so I think I may need to postpone meeting him until my face is no longer a mess lol!

[happpybear]

Have a tentative date planned on Monday with E. Not sure about this guy, its the kids issue. I want to know if his kids live with him, that might be an issue for me--these are teenagers, but I don't know if that is appropriate to ask about so soon.

 

I have been communicating with C this week, and I am excited about this guy, he is a year younger than me, and lives in my hometown just outside the city. Normally, I would think twice about meeting someone who lives outside the city, just because I don't drive so getting out there will be a pain, but my family lives there so it would give me the opportunity to visit my fam on the days that we have dates...I would feel weird expecting him to always come downtown to see me. But we have a lot in common and he seems eager to get to know me better, so far we have only messaged on the site, and we will get in touch on Sunday.

 

I have also been communicating with AN, who seems really funny. Also he is one of the few guys I have been matched with that is also ambivalent about kids, and that's kinda nice. I "might want kids" but 95% of my matches are with guys that want to start families ASAP--and that's fine, if I meet Mr. Right and he wants kids and I'm still fertile then sure we'll have kids. But, I am already 34 and my window is closing, so I am pretty open to not having kids and it's nice to finally have a match that is also on the fence and wouldn't mind just having a lot of fur-babies instead. He sent me a pretty long message last night, and didn't include his number or ask to meet, this is a first, all my other matches gave their numbers and suggested a meet in that first message.

[happpybear]

C is a possibly another one of these manic texters. I am trying to not be rigid--some people prefer texting and I don't want to dismiss that entirely. We messaged on the site a bit last week and he asked if texting would be easier for me. I said that we can text a bit, but I would like to talk on the phone. He was working all weekend on some project for work, but yesterday he was supposed to call me. He texted me at 7:30 to tell me that he had just got home and would love to call me but he was so exhausted from working AND because it was almost close the Walking Dead time and said to text him later if I am free

 

Ok, honestly. Please. I get being exhausted. I get not feeling up to getting on the phone with some stranger and trying to summon up the energy to be playful and witty and otherwise engaged when you are exhausted and essentially brain-dead. I get it, I am like this too, and I would have canceled a phone call too.....but who in their right mind would admit to a potential date, that you are essentially more concerned with watching a tv show instead of talking to them on the phone...am I being picky here? Cause I see this as a serious lack or decorum. I would NEVER say that even if it was true. I would have just said, I'm exhausted let's talk tomorrow.....not "my favorite show is on, so text me later"

What the hell.

 

So, part of me wanted to just delete the number and move on...but maybe he's a doofus and I'm being picky. Maybe, holding out for someone with manners is too much to ask because it doesn't exist anymore....So this is strike one. I replied and said that it sounded like he needed some well-deserved down time and that we can talk another day, and to have a good evening. By "talk" i assumed he would get that meant talking on the phone.

 

I did not initiate a text conversation because I don't want to have a text convo with someone I haven't met and have no date planned with.

 

This morning at 8:30 I get a good morning text from him asking me how my weekend had been

 

](*,)

 

So I replied and said some stuff about my weekend, I figured a few text exchanged wouldn't hurt, I wanted to see if he was going to ask when would be a good time to call....but then he just kept asking random questions....so I said that I was at work and it's not good for me to be on my phone a lot, and I said maybe we can have a chat later...he said ok.

 

If he texts me again tonight...and I am 99% certain he will, I am going to ask him to move it to a phone call....I feel like he is trying to avoid the phone call. I'm starting to wonder if he has a weird voice...or is not single.

 

AN messaged me again on the site asking me more questions, he did though ask me what my week looks like.

 

I messaged E yesterday to firm up the date for Today, but he said Tuesday would be better. I said sure and I am free after 6pm. He asked if we could text during the day on Tuesday to set-up a time....sigh...he sounds flaky and I don't like tentative plans...I am tempted to cancel this date anyway, because the more I think about it, the more I feel that him having 2 teenage sons is a bit of a deal-breaker for me.

 

In other news, I have joined a 30 day yoga challenge at my studio, thirty classes in 30 days beginning April 1st. It's gonna be tough, and I am sure that there will be some weekends where I will have to attend 3 or more classes to make up for the ones I miss during the week.. I am excited though, It will force me to take some of the other classes their that I normally avoid, more vigorous styles of yoga that I usually shy away from.

[happpybear]

Ok so I don't know what is up with me.

 

I just canceled two dates this week. One with E tonight and the other with AN tomorrow night.

 

I said I wasn't feeling well, which isn't a lie...i just feel this weird...I don't even know how to explain it...upheaval?...uncertainty? But its not just in my head it's manifesting physically, I have this clenched gut. I wasn't hungry and barely ate today. I don't know. It's not even that I don't want to meet them, it's I think apprehension that I may like one of them. Sometimes I get this weird push/pull within myself when it comes to doing (social) things...usually it happens when I am trying to force myself out of my comfort zone, I argue with myself, sometimes I capitulate, other times I force through. I am almost always happy when I force through and usually enjoy myself, whatever the situation.

 

I think it''s a combo of being really really comfortable being single, and also apprehension about starting to like someone. I was starting to like The Lumberjack and he disappeared. That has made me gun-shy I think.

 

I won't be able to see these guys until next week, due to the holiday this weekend and I am busy the rest of the week.

 

I enjoy messaging AN...he is pretty funny, and unfailingly polite. I do want to meet him.

 

I need to kick my own ass sometimes.

[happpybear]

C texted to apologize for not getting in touch and explained that work has been crazy but he will CALL me on Thursday night. I said that I will actually be in his town on the long weekend visiting my family so since we will be so close then it would be perfect timing to meet-up. We are going to meet on Saturday afternoon, not sure the time and place yet, but he said we can firm up the details when he calls.

[happpybear]

I had been communicating with R last week and then sorta forgot about him, he got lost in the fray, I noticed yesterday when I saw that he had looked at my profile. I have been having technical difficulties with eH lately, many of my matches don't show up outside of my updates feed. C and E are nowhere on there, if it wasn't for them showing up on the activity feed I would have had no way to respond because they don't show up any of the communication sections even though we went all the way through to exchanging eH mail. It's weird. Most of the guys I communicated with last week are like this except AN...R got lost in that too. I have also had eH emails with some matches asking me 5 questions, and then when I log in those matches do not exist, they do not show up in my activity feed or in the communication sections....I reported it all but I guess in went into the void...

 

R skipped over the last three questions and messaged me...he seems interesting and is also a homebody. I like his look too, he is Indian, but reminds me of an Egyptian pharaoh, lol, just his eyes and the shape of his face. He gave his number adn said I am welcome to call anytime. So I told him that I would call on Monday when I am back in town. I think next week is going to be a busy one, dating wise.

[happpybear]

C was nice, I have been curiouser and curiouser about him since the date on Saturday. We have tentative plan to meet again this week, either Friday or Sunday, though I would prefer Friday. He offered to drive down to the city to see me for dinner, I feel weird having dinner on a first date, but I think it will be fine. We had no problems with conversation, and he has a nice, refreshing energy about him. He is a bit sarcastic, already...I don't know how I feel about that right now. I am not a fan of constant sarcasm, though he was pretty mild with it, but he has been texting me this week and the sarcasm is in the texts too. I find that sarcasm is negative humor, I don't mind it in small amounts but can't stand people that are always like this. So we shall see. I like that he isn't texting me constantly either, just once or twice everyday.

 

I spoke with R last night and I we planned a meet for Thursday afternoon, but upon reflection, I think I am gonna cancel I was rehashing the convo today in my head and I realized a number of things that didn't sit well with me. Firstly, I felt totally drained of energy after I talked to him, he complained about his work a bit, and his tone and energy level were really low, like he sounded like a bit of a downer. He just moved and had been unpacking, so it's possible that he was tired and having an off night.

 

He also made some "jokes" about woman and OLD, basically saying that women just want the free meals etc. Of course he laughed it off, but I felt that I had to defend myself and I said that I am not like that..to which he laughed... but it was an awkward moment. He also doesn't seem to have his life sorted, like he just opened a business and was complaining about cash flow, and that he had been rooming with others up until this weekend because of money issues....he is in his 40's. I dunno. I'm pretty settled in my life with regard to my job and income, etc and I want to be with someone that is in the same place financially, I have been in Rs's with guys who were total financial messes and I can't do that again. I'm really responsible and I know that I can't be with someone that doesn't have their life sorted at this point...

 

Yeah.

 

I'm gonna let him know that I have had a change of heart. Not sure how to word it yet.

 

I have a meet with AN on Thursday night, I talked to him on the phone last night, and he has an ever so slight British accent

[happpybear]

C and I have been playing phone tag tonight. we were supposed to chat, but then he got home from work late, and I went to yoga, and then he had a hockey game. Lol, so he just texted me to say he would try tomorrow.

 

But then he ended his text with "Sweet dreams".....

 

Barfaroni...

 

Guys, you need to realize that it's icky to write that crap to a chick you met up with once for 6o minutes...PSA for all y'all...just don't, not until you've kissed.

[happpybear]

So I had a date with AN on Thursday, and it was bleh...

 

Nice guy, nice convo, but bleh. He also lied about his height and I find it weird. Profile said 6'2". He was prob 5'10"-5'11" at the most. I wore heels, which bumped me up to 5"9" and he was not much taller than that. My brother is 6'1" and I still have to crane my neck upward even when I wear heels...There was no way this guy was even 6"0'. At one point I laughed because we got to talking about horseback riding and he said that he had only been on a horse once and that it was weird for him to see an animal taller than him, because at 6'"2' not many animals are taller....lmao

 

So he vaguely mentioned getting together again, but I was non-committal, and then he texted yesterday telling me to have a good weekend and I replied to return the sentiment but he has not asked for anther date which is good.

 

After the date, I called C and we talked for about an hour. I really like talking to him, there was no sarcasm from him this time. He told me that I have a soothing phone voice....no one has ever told me that before, so that was nice. He started growing on me more after that call, the total difference in my mood between the back to back date with AN and the call with C was notable. It really made me realize that there's something there.

 

Yesterday we went for dinner, the planning was weird. We sorta planned it on Thursday on the phone, I suggested sushi, but he said he has a shell fish allergy, so sushi was a no-go I don't eat out aside from sushi, so I wasn't sure what to suggest and he doesn't live in the city so he had no suggestions either, so he basically deferred it all to me to pick the restaurant. I asked him if he had any preferences and he said in passing that "everyone likes steak"...

 

This whole thing caused me some stress. Because by my logic, whomever asks also pays and plans. Because if you are the one paying then you pick a place that you want to pay for, right? so I didn't know what restaurant to choose...He mentioned steak on the phone, so I thought about going to a steak house, but then I was unsure if that would be too expensive and pretentious for a second date with someone. The thing is too, is that with my weird food issues, I can't eat at too many places either, so steak and sushi are both pretty safe for me. Also, a lot of the cheaper/chain restaurants in the downtown get super packed on Friday night to the point where they are a bad place for a date because you can't hear your date and have to yell at each other to talk.

 

So after much internal debate and some discussion with a trusted male colleague of mine, I made a reservation at a mid-priced steakhouse that is a bit hidden away, and thankfully very quiet. I debated this decision all day, I was afraid that it was a bit presumptuous of me to pick this place because he would then feel obligated to pay more, and I was afraid that it would make me look like I was just out for an expensive free meal. I had every intention of offering to pay for both of us or paying my share if this whole thing became an issue.

 

In the afternoon I told C that he had mentioned steak on the phone, so I thought it would be nice to go to a steak house, and he did not sound enthusiastic at all. So I said that he we didn't have to go there if he wasn't feeling steak, and I said that it was a mid-priced place that is pretty casual, and he could wear jeans.

 

So the date went reallyy really well, we went tot he steak house and it wasn't an issue. I dig this guy!! It's so easy to talk to him and we pretty much just laughed for 6 hours!!! He has a great energy about him and we have a lot in common. None of that sarcasm from the first date was there, so I think it might have been nerves. I could tell he was nervous before our meals arrived, I was not nervous at all. Dinner was great and afterward he suggested getting a beer so we headed to a little bar and continued the conversation. So he then drove me to my place and said that he wanted to see me this week, and that he would come down on Wednesday and we could go to a movie or something. He kissed me, but it was just a peck on the mouth, and it was a sorta rushed and nervous pressing of faces together, lmao, so not a proper kiss. But that's ok. lol. I'm excited to see him again

[happpybear]

So C and I have a plan to go to a movie on Thursday, he's picking the movie and it's a scary one--I told him I am ok with horror as long as it isn't gory, and that I scare pretty easily and so to be prepared for me to scream aloud in the theater, lol.

 

On the last date we shared our ghost stories and spooked one another so he felt that a scary movie would be fun.

 

Personally, I just think this is a typical guy attempt to initiate more touching on a date....lmao. I'm not too touchy in the beginning nor do I feel the need to be touched when I'm watching a scary movie, so we shall see what happens...

 

I can see this date being the break point, for me at least. I get majorly turned off if a guy paws at me too soon, because I don't invite it this soon.

 

So far I have enjoyed his company and he hasn't gone overboard with communication between dates, and has no issue asking and planning dates (he has already mentioned getting together on the weekend too, but I want to see how it pans out on Thursday), but I still don't know if there is physical chemistry yet. And, I think he is way more into me at this point than I am into him...

[happpybear]

3rd date with C

 

 

'Twas good. Saw the scary movie, he did not use it as an excuse to touch me. Lol I'm such a prude. He did laugh at me because I covered my eyes a lot, lol. I really enjoy talking with him, we just banter back and forth really naturally. I was nervous this time....not sure why, I think maybe I felt pressured bt coming from myself not him--have to think about it some more, but yeah, I was shaky in the theater, and afterward was nervous to talk...I stutter when I get nervous and that was happening.

 

We have plans to meet-up in his hometown on the weekend. He wants to cook me dinner, I hope he asks me what I would like to eat or at least give me some say in what he is going to cook...he knows about one food item that I can't eat...but there are more and I haven't really felt comfortable telling him the whole story. Its awkward. I suspect I will feel ill after I eat whatever he prepares.

 

He asked me about the site and if I had met anyone else from it. I told him that I had met half-dozen or so guys, and that I had the matching turned off for the winter until mid-march. He didn't ask if I was seeing anyone else. But I did say that I turned the matching off at Easter because I knew the 30 day yoga challenge was going to take up most of my free time for the month--I'm sure if he has looked at my profile that he would notice that I haven't been on. He said that he has been single for a year after a bad break-up, and that he had a string of very bad first dates before me....he said that he likes me, and wants to continue seeing me, and that he isn't in any hurry and doesn't want to scare me away. I didn't tell him how long I have been single or the reasons why...lol.

 

I told him that I liked him and enjoyed his company too, and that I most definitely am not looking for an insta-relationship and that I appreciate that he respects that. We kissed a bit but nothing crazy--not long enough to determine chemistry though, we were standing outside my building and people were walking by and I didn't want to make-out in front of them, not a fan of PDA, especially for the first time with a new person. I'm sure we will make-out at his place.

 

I'm sorta glad that he has had options from the website, outside of me. I sometimes wonder, if these guys want to see me again because there is no one else tugging at their line. That their interest is due to scarcity. That's awful to think, but because both Lumberjack and S both said that they had only had 3 dates in 1-2 years...It's made me wary. I wonder if there is an element of desperation. Or that they are not all that into me but just want a relationship so to not be lonely....I guess it comes from the worry that I won't be liked or wanted because of me..who I am...because most of the guys I have been in relationships with jumped from relationship to relationship and were not able to be alone, they were just looking for a warm body, they tended to put me on a pedestal right from the beginning, saw what the wanted to see, what they wanted me to be, and in some cases tried to mold me into who they wanted me to be rather than appreciate who I actually am, like/love me for me alone.

 

I don't know yet if this guy has become comfortable and happy with himself alone...I suspect on the weekend we will finally have a deeper conversation and I want to suss out these things. So far we have mostly laughed a lot and joked around when we have seen each other. That's great of course, good to know that we share the same sense of humor, but things need to get deeper at some point.

[happpybear]

Went to C’s place on the weekend for dinner and was impressed that he can cook really well! His house is really cute, little bungalow right near the elementary school I used to attend.

 

I was super exhausted, I had done 2.5 hours of flow yoga prior to meeting him and I was pooped, and sore as hell from all the yoga I’ve been doing. I was really low energy and was quieter than usual and I think I confused the crap out of him. I took my silly dog with me and the two of them bonded. It’s good that he likes my dog,my dog has a big personality and can be a bit much at times and my last BF wanted nothing to do with my dog, so it’s nice to meet someone that finds him amusing and not annoying.

 

We finally had a proper make-out, and there is definitely physical chemistry there, so that’s good.

He offered to drive me back to the city the next day, and I said no at first because I feel like I might come accross as a moocher if I expect him to chauffeur me to and from the city, I was fully prepared to take the bus home, but he said that he wanted to spend time with me and he didn’t mind the drive, so I let him.

 

So the problem is that this was fourth date and he seems overly invested already. He said he wasn’t in a rush, but I think perhaps he was only referring to the physical side of things, and not the emotional side of things. I don’t know if I am being overly cautious or if he really is being weird. On the weekend he made these joking comments that didn’t sit well with me, not sure if he was just being sarcastic or what, for example, we were talking about chores we like/hate, and he said that he hates ironing, to which I replied that I actually love ironing and he said “Oh good, you can do all the ironing then”…he said other things like this, like when I said that I love living downtown, but miss the train commute from the burbs because it always gave me a dedicated window of time to read without distraction, and he jokingly replied “ok then we’ll live here then”…we live an hour away, he is a home owner and I am a renter. It’s natural to think about the reality of the distance between us and if this thing works out, someone will have to move….but we have only had four dates!!!! This shouldn’t even be talked about yet at all, even as a joke…no? Am I being unreasonable here? I feel like he is already thinking about how to combine households…..

 

When he dropped me off he said he wanted to come down again on Wednesday to see me, and then on the weekend. I agreed. A few hours later he sent a text to say that he finds loves spending time with me and thinks I’m beautiful but was too shy to say it in person. I replied to thank him and said that I liked hanging out with him too and thought he was handsome. Monday night at 1:30am, he sends me a text with a link to the song “brown eyed girl” on youtube, saying he just can’t get to sleep yet. I saw it when I woke up in the morning, and I felt weird…I like the guy, but this stuff is not sitting well with me…I am not that emotionally invested yet and I worry that he is light years ahead….

 

I don’t know if I should say something to him next time he says something silly like that, just explain that I’m looking to take things slow both physically AND emotionally and see if he slows it down, or if I should just keep my mouth shut, accept that he is moving fast yet barely knows me and If I don’t like it I should just next him and end this before it gets much further…

 

I don’t want to feel this intensity…all my ex BF’s were like this…like picking baby names in the first month. My ex’s were worse than this guy though, I’m not sure if he really is super intense or just excited and suffering from foot in mouth. And I think maybe my past experiences have made me overly sensitive to things like this, so maybe I'm just getting my back up over something innocent.

 

But darn I like him and there’s chemistry….ugh

 

We made plans to watch a hockey game on Saturday and then come back to my place for dinner. He also wants to see me tomorrow…we haven’t made a specific plan for tomorrow so I think if he asks I am going to cancel it…for a number of reasons, I want to slow this down, and I also am freaking exhausted….like I feel like I haven’t been home in ages, seeing this guy and doing the yoga challenge is taking the wind out of me, and I have so many chores to do that I haven’t had time for, I just need some me time

[happpybear]

f**k-a-doodle-doo

 

So C texted me last night to say that he had an impromptu get together with friends and "gushed' to them about me. I replied back to say that I hope he had fun with his buddies, but did not address the "gushing" comment....his comment made me pause, it's too soon for him to be gushing about me...no? None of my friends know anything about him, I have only briefly mentioned him to my mother and that was because he was the reason why I was in my hometown on the weekend and I planned to stay at her place overnight so I explained that it was for a 4th date with a guy I met on eH.

 

So, I thought, ok, maybe this is a one off thing, I get being excited, and I "gushed (?)" on here about how awesome I thought Lumberjack was, but I never told him that, nor would I have...nor did I even tell my friends about him. So I figured maybe he has foot in mouth and I'll just let this one go...

 

Today he texted to say he would love to see me tomorrow if I am still free, I said that I was not and that I would call him tonight at 9 to discuss what to make for dinner on Saturday. I called him but it went straight to message. He texted me 45 minutes later to say he was on a work thing, and that we can talk tomorrow, that he can't wait to see me on Saturday and wrote "Miss you"

 

 

So the "miss you" really made me wanna barf. I don't miss him. I don't miss him between dates. I like the guy so far and think there is chemistry but I am not at a point where I miss him because we only just met 19 days ago and have had 4 dates. Does he really effing miss me, for real ? or is that what he thinks I want to hear? I really didn't think he was a clinger until 4 days ago, I was really glad to have met someone that seemed to be emotionally stable, in that he said he didn't want to rush, and that he showed that by not blowing up my phone or being otherwise weird...until 4 days ago.

 

I feel bad because he bought the tickets for the game on Saturday, and now I want to back out of it. I can't be with someone that is clingy, not again...they suck the life out of me. Part of me wants to just call him and say that I lost interest, and the other part thinks I should just do the date as planned, and bring all of this up and talk about what I can't deal with. Explain to him that even though he said he doesn't want to jump into anything it seems that he is way ahead of me emotionally, and explain that i prefer to approach this one date at a time. I feel though that even if I explain this, it won't really matter, this is how he is, and even if he shuts his mouth so that he doesn't scare me away, he will probably still be overly invested anyway on the inside...just not vocal about it....

 

 

It sucks when 2/3 of it seems right, I seem to click really well and there is physical chemistry, but he s too far ahead. Do I explain that he is freaking me out a bit and give him a chance to simmer down...or just walk

[happpybear]

Ha it's been awhile since I have had the time to just sit and process my thoughts.

 

I've seen C several more times since my last update, and things are going pretty well. He hasn't done anything else that has freaked me out since. Totally over thinking all of that. He seems extremely well-adjusted. We both are introverts, both need our me time and both are cool with hanging out alone, in our own company. I really like that we are both on the same page in that regard. I have never been with someone that is like that.. I don't think I am going to have to worry about being smothered or stifled.

 

The physical chemistry is awesome. Like, he kisses me exactly how I want to be kissed...it's crazy...no one has ever kissed me the way he does...every time we make-out (which is every time we get together) I have a hard time keeping my pants on--having serious self-restraint issues here!!! lol. I totally lose myself in the kissing...I've never had that happen before. god it's goooood. lol. I gave him the "I really liked you, but I'm also pretty slow with the physical stuff" spiel. He just laughed and said that he knew that--figured that out didn't need to tell him, but that he respected it.

 

I went to his place on the weekend and I met his oldest and dearest friends, and it was a blast. They were so funny together, so much laughter...I was a bit quieter than usual that night. I have always found it slightly awkward when meeting someone's friends, sometimes they were talking about sports which I know nothing about so couldn't really join in, and often exchanged inside jokes, that kind of thing which makes it hard not to feel like a bit of an outsider at times. I hope they liked me.

 

I wasn't sure if I should stay over at his place...I was really torn, part of me wanted to but it didn't feel right yet...he didn't even ask (and I was really relieved)...at around 1am, we took a make-out break, and he said that it was time to take me home. I like that he didn't push for anything. Staying was not even on the table...took a weight off.

[happpybear]

And the "I love you" came out too soon-2 months in.

 

Granted, he said it after I gave him a BJ, so...even though he claims it had nothing to do with the BJ, I'm smart enough to know that it has everything to do with infatuation. I'm taking it with a grain of salt. I was honest and did not return the sentiment. He gets that I am not there yet, but like him a lot and enjoy my time with him. We'll see is he still feels this way 5 months down the road. I am only at the point were I could see myself falling for him sometimes down the road.

 

He did not pressure me or repeat the sentiment during the rest of the weekend. He isn't texting "wuv youuu" too me either. He did not get upset that I don't feel the same way yet, the weekend was totally normal. I didn't ask him if he always falls this fast...I feel like it's a weird thing to ask, and would he be honest?

 

Hopefully he doesn't get weird about it. I hope he just leaves it alone to give me the space to come to the same place as him, in my own time--if that is meant to happen.

 

He isn't the needy type, as far as I can tell so far. We have both talked about our need for me time, we are totally on the same page. even though things are still so early on, when your time spent together is usually super-together--where you feel weird leaving the other person to do their own thing while in each others company...we are already comfortable dong our own thing when in each others company, to a small degree anyway. when he came over early on Wednesday, I was a bit stressed because I was working from home that day and I needed to finish my work, and I was stressed about him getting upset that for the first 2 hours that he came over I would be working and he would have to amuse himself. He ws totally fine with it, played with my dog and played with his phone. Last weekend he wanted to watch the game, I wanted to go to bed, he asked me if that was ok that he not come to bed with me, I was fine with it. the next day he said he thought for sure that I would be pissed about it, and that he wanted me to know that him staying up to watch the game was not about us, but it was about him...I was like, ya I get it, and it's ok. Same thing happened this weekend when he slept in, and I was wide awake so got up, took the dog for a walk and cleaned. Not a big deal.

 

It's the first time I have been with someone where don't feel like we have to be Siamese twins....have to do everything together. That is exhausting to me.

 

I met his parents very briefly last week, apparently his mom thinks I'm awesome and threatened to kick his ass if he screwed it up...lol. I am sort of embarrassed to have him meet my mom and bro. My mom is such a mess, she will probably drink too much if we go over for dinner. And my bro and her fight like cats and dogs...ugh God...explaining that...when his family seems totally normal...