Will they ever get married?

[sarahliz]

So this question is about my sister. She's been dating the same guy since high school. They've been together for eight years. They live together and everything. Everyone gives him crap about proposing to her but he still hasn't done it. I'm honestly concerned, I feel like he's just never going to. I keep telling her that she needs to take a break from him and maybe he'll finally get his butt in gear. He's a good guy, I like him but it just never seems like it's going to happen.

 

 

Does anyone have suggestions, like should I talk to him? Or any opinions?

[Furbys]

No don't talk to him because it is not your place. There is no harm in him taking his time. Wouldnt you rather that your sister was engaged to a guy that wants to marry her and not one who was peer pressured into it?

 

My sister recently got engaged and she has been with him for over 7 years. So seriously do not worry about it.

[SapphireNoir10]

I know two couples that have been together since they were 14. Neither of them are engaged or married yet.

 

Everyone moves at their own pace that suits that particular couple

 

Does she really want to get married? Or can she live without it

[abitbroken]

It is only a problem if it bothers her. It is not for you to butt in and judge. It also depends on their ages. If you mean they have been together since high school (age 15, lets say) 8 years is not the same as an adult 8 years together. If they are just 22/23 - maybe they just are not ready.

 

I think you should lay off of him. Leave him alone. But you could talk to your sister kindly. If she opens up to you about it, maybe just encourage her to make sure she and her boyfriend are on the same page on what they want and what living together means. That is all. But only if she opens up about it.

[JA0371]

I know someone who dated a guy almost ten years....they got married, and divorced within a year and a half. Not trying to discourage you, but time together is never an indication of it being 'right'.

[faraday]

I know someone who dated a guy almost ten years....they got married, and divorced within a year and a half. Not trying to discourage you, but time together is never an indication of it being 'right'.

 

Yes. I know several couples who have married because "it felt like the next step" instead of "we're crazy about each other"...don't push this. It might now be right.

[annie24]

I know someone who dated a guy almost ten years....they got married, and divorced within a year and a half. Not trying to discourage you, but time together is never an indication of it being 'right'.

 

Yes, totally agree. This is their decision to make.

[sarahliz]

She wants to get married very badly. She talks about it ALL the time. That's why I'm concerned. She tells him all the time and he still isn't doing anything. Their 25 so they're not too young.

[QWit]

stay out of it.

[Moontiger]

This is your sister's life. If she is will to accept this man for who he is and willing to wait 8, 10, 25, 50 years that is up to her. This is something that every couple has to figure out for themselves and its honestly not your or anyone else concern when or if they get married.

 

The only thing you should do here is listen to your sister and offer her advice when asked. You should not speak to him and should not get involved in anyway beyond that,

[Doc Blaze]

Dont even get involved ...they need to sit down and discuss their future and then she can take it from there.

[abitbroken]

She wants to get married very badly. She talks about it ALL the time. That's why I'm concerned. She tells him all the time and he still isn't doing anything. Their 25 so they're not too young.

 

I wouldn't want to marry anyone that talked about marriage constantly. It doesn't make him more ready. And he has no motivation to marry if she is already living with him. If they did not discuss and agree that it was a step towards marriage, then it isn't - and not just because she says it is.If she is serious, she will drop the wedding talk and work through any issues in their relationship and if he doesn't see them getting married, then she needs to move out whether she breaks it off with him or whether he wants to marry her but does not want to yet because of grad school or just does not feel ready then she should move out and choose to date him if she wants.

 

You can't live with someone and expect that the time living together means that he is obligated to propose.

[Moontiger]

 

You can't live with someone and expect that the time living together means that he is obligated to propose.

 

I may just add this quote to my sigy. It makes me think of George R. R. Martin. He and his now wife lived together for decades before getting married.

[BigKK]

My friend met his GF(now wife) when they were 18...

 

 

they broke up twice, and tied the knot last year, they're 30...

 

 

It's not your relationship, it's theirs. If they're happy be happy for them, stop pushing what "you believe" onto others and their relationships its completely their own matter.

 

 

If it's an unhealthy or bad relationship then you can advise her to jump ship, but it doesn't sound like that's the case.

[Kendahke]

So this question is about my sister. She's been dating the same guy since high school. They've been together for eight years. They live together and everything. Everyone gives him crap about proposing to her but he still hasn't done it. I'm honestly concerned, I feel like he's just never going to. I keep telling her that she needs to take a break from him and maybe he'll finally get his butt in gear. He's a good guy, I like him but it just never seems like it's going to happen.

 

 

Does anyone have suggestions, like should I talk to him? Or any opinions?

 

Stay out of it. Leave him alone. He does not have to discuss his relationship with your sister with you.

 

She wants to get married very badly. She talks about it ALL the time. That's why I'm concerned. She tells him all the time and he still isn't doing anything. Their 25 so they're not too young.

 

It is still between her and him. She is free to walk away at any time but she's choosing to stay. If she was that miserable with the relationship, she'd leave it.

 

I can guarantee you that if you interfere by stepping out of place and talking to him, she will resent you when it backfires and puts her even further away from a wedding date.

 

It sounds to me like she moved in thinking that the logical next step, without agreeing upon it, was going to be marriage and for him, it was convenient sex for the foreseeable future. I'll bet she's not that frustrated that she will move out and start dating other men, is she? If she's not, then she's content with what she has. People who are not happy with their lives generally make changes and she's not. So, let her have her bit of happiness with a guy she's giving free pink to.

[SooSad33]

Marriage has NOTHING to do with it--as long as they're happy.

One of my uncles didn't marry my aunt for about 20 yrs. In that time they began a life together & had 2 boys.

There shouldn't be a 'rush' to marry.

[Lonewing]

There's really no point for a man to get married these days. Really, it's a zero sum game for him to get married. Quite literally. I myself, if I get married now, most of the tangible benefits would be gained by my wife, whereas she would have a free healthcare PLAN [not insurance] and if we were to get divorced after I retire in 16 years, half of my retirement for the rest of her life. Tell me what's in it for me to get married...a spouse who eventually stops having sex? Kids who I end up having to pay hundreds of dollars a month on in child support? And the loss of half my retirement to a woman who is now pretty much an "equal partner" in that she's able to live and work for as much as I make on my own? And even if I'm the one paying the mortgage, she gets half the house too?

 

I'm being serious here...I don't need to get married to have kids [though if me and the mother are not together, I'm still paying child support] and I'm getting as much sex now without anyone as I would with some of these wives I hear about.

 

Ok, there is another tangible benefit for me, my housing allowance would go up $250. Seems to be an awful lot of risk for an extremely small amount of reward.

 

Stay out of their relationship. Your sister's relationship is your sister's and your sister's alone.

[Snny]

Lonewing, normally I agree with all your posts... But not this one for multiple reasons.

 

Without derailing this thread, I do agree with your viewpoint that marriage is one hell of a responsibility and sacrifice. If one person is not ready to accept marriage as such, then they should not walk into it. NO ONE, especially not even family, ever has a place to tell a person to just get married. It is not their decision nor their lives to make.

 

You wouldn't want family to make decision for you, would you OP?

[abitbroken]

I think you should encourage her to resolve her issues with her boyfriend. Tell her that relationships are not successful if you triangulate (complain to a third party in hopes the third party gets through to your partner). She either has to grin and bear it or talk to him about it, not you.

[Reflective82]

Wow Lonewing. I would never marry a guy with your attitude- marriage isn't all about money and you sound mean about it. Marriage is about two people making a commitment to each other in law and the eyes of god. You say "equal partner" in those remarks like she isn't really an equal partner if she doesn't work. Sorry, but she is and yes she does deserve "half the house" if she has stayed at home to raise your family and take care of the home to support you and your career. Personally, I would never give up my career because of sexist and degrading comments like this that imply a woman doesn't deserve half if her marriage ends. You won't get far with women when they smell this attitude

[Lonewing]

You can't live with someone and expect that the time living together means that he is obligated to propose.

 

Actually, you can, if you are in one of the places that still recognizes the process. It just occurred to me that if you live with someone long enough, you are obligated to each other under what is a common law marriage. So if your sister's state has common law and your sister really WANTS to be married, she can relax and let go, because after that date, they will be wed in a legal sense.

 

Wow Lonewing. I would never marry a guy with your attitude- marriage isn't all about money and you sound mean about it. Marriage is about two people making a commitment to each other in law and the eyes of god. You say "equal partner" in those remarks like she isn't really an equal partner if she doesn't work. Sorry, but she is and yes she does deserve "half the house" if she has stayed at home to raise your family and take care of the home to support you and your career. Personally, I would never give up my career because of sexist and degrading comments like this that imply a woman doesn't deserve half if her marriage ends. You won't get far with women when they smell this attitude

 

 

All that BS about love and commitment goes out the window when the relationship hits the road and it goes off to divorce court. And then, all that is left is property and money and it IS all about money and lost wages at that point, for at least one spouse if not both spouses.

 

Commitment in this country means so little right now I really would not put much weight on any woman's [or man's] words any more. This country is not a religious country, for even those who say they are religious, they will ultimately follow the state law over their religious law when push comes to shove. So any God endorsement or God invoked sanctions are worth the paper the marriage license is printed on and no more.

 

I have witnessed a number of people first hand who have used their position as a wife to be stay at home, and then divorced and obtained settlements in the order of $800-$900 a month because their ex-spouses are "obligated" to maintaining the lifestyle they had while they were married. The sad part, the kid wasn't even his, it was with her before they got married. I call it freeloading, because that's what I see around here - Spouses are stay at home because they don't want to get a job, and it's too hard to get a job, and they just won't get a job, so they take the easy way out and stay home. I know TOO MANY who are doing this right now - both male and female.

 

I know a girl in my shop who will be facing the very same situation in a couple years, the signs are already all there. She already talks about him in terms that signal her frustration with the situation, especially with how she comes to work every day while he stays home spending money they don't have, but he ALWAYS has a case of beer in the fridge [she doesn't drink]. Should her spouse be entitled to her paycheck, when the only reason they don't have child care is because between the two of them she makes all the money and they have none left over to afford child care? NO! She already pays all his bills on top of all her bills, why should he be entitled to more either now or after they separate?

 

It's nice to think lovey dovey about marriage in the honeymoon period, but it is realistic to think of the future and accept the reality that right now there is a 40-50% divorce rate in this country. This is not pessimism; this is realism. Furthermore, our legal system is still 20-30 years behind where our social system is, so it's really Not a good idea to get married right now. I wish I could live in the bliss where we live in this perfect world where all that happens after the wedding is "happily ever after," but nowadays, the story Starts at "happily ever after" and goes forward from there.

 

Finally, one reality I have to swallow, is this token that it is better to stay single than to marry and then divorce. it's a happier outcome on the happiness index.

link removed

 

What's mine is mine and what's yours is yours. If I ever get married, it will be after my ten year mark, to protect my retirement, and my preexisting assets will be secured in whatever way I can, be it prenuptials or what not. The life insurance will STAY in my parent's names, I've seen first hand what spouses might do over a puny 500k [my brother was killed for his life insurance by his stay-at-home-because-she-couldn't-hold-a-job wife]. The woman I'll marry, we'll sit down before we get married and hash out these details beforehand, because otherwise, I'm not interested in being screwed over and I would hope neither is my wife. I'd also be really keen on knowing if she's the "screw him over" type before I ever get married, but that's really unknowable. I cannot live in a pretend world where "divorce will never happen" because it's happening around me all the time.

 

This is not carebear candyland out here, there are people making careers out of divorcing other people. I have to watch out and protect myself first, because NOBODY else will.

 

If you don't work, you're not an equal partner anymore. You're reaping the benefits without putting in the time, and the state for whatever reason thinks you should continue receiving those benefits from your spouse after divorce. I don't agree - hence, you don't see me rushing to get married!

 

There are a ton of women who I happily won't get far with. The gold diggers, the leeches, the freeloaders...need I name more? If this attitude scares them off, THANK GOD! Yes, I have a lot of built up animosity towards these scum, but that's because I see first hand how they weedle though people.

 

A wise man in my tech school gave us an extra curricular lesson on this...

Single = $

Married = Poor

Divorced (& Primary Earner) = Poverty

Divorced (& Secondary Earner) = Property

 

Easy to say "I Do"

Very Hard to say "I don't want to anymore"

Even Harder to fight "Goodbye."

 

As long as you're in good health, you're in good shape.

Enjoy the moment, because nothing lasts forever [anymore].

 

I have yet to find greater wisdom than this. Yes, he was divorced, even though he didn't want to get a divorced. He lost "everything," including half of his retirement. No, he did not get half of her retirement. It's enough to sober any one up...

 

Perhaps I should mention I come with really GREAT medical coverage...

[annie24]

I know some women who are the bread winners and their husbands are stay at home dads. I'm not the type of woman to ever be a stay at home mom, maybe just for a short while when the kids are young. For women such as myself, we earn just as much, if not more than our male partners. Just something to think about. There are some women who wouldn't bleed you dry.

[Lonewing]

There are men who will happily bleed you dry, though. As I mentioned, I'm watching a girl suffer from this as we speak.

 

And it's getting harder and harder to distinguish who these people are, the older I get.

 

This doesn't cut just one way, even if it might seem I'm biased in the direction that is closest to home for me.

[Reflective82]

So in your opinion a woman who gives up her career to look after the home and kids, whilst the man furthers his own career and lifestyle, should be left with a small settlement on divorce and have a much devalued standard of living afterwards? Sorry, but that's wrong. My mother has been married ot my father for 30 years and damn right if they divorced she would deserve part of his current and future earnings. She hasn't worked for decades and is 60 so couldn't get a job anyway. Generally, women fare financially worse after divorce as the man continues to work and his salary goes up- the woman has to manage for the REST of her life on what she gets given- which is why the settlements are generous and FAIR.

 

Also, even though it shouldn't be due to equality laws, women's careers are affected by having children. There have been studies showing that wages between men and women are generally even at the start of their careers, and as women and men get older, there starts to become a gap with the widest gap after having children- due to bosses views that women with children are less committed and desirable to rise up the ranks and hold positions of power. An interview was done with a lot of women CEO's and every single one of them found they were discriminated against after having children. This does need to be taken into account on divorce- as marriage is to protect women and to provide a safe haven for them to have children in. I would want this taken into account in the event of divorce as my career would have suffered (I plan to go part time on having kids) and the man's would not- due to me making the sacrifice in my career to be the main care giver. Any man that sat me down and tried to talk about pre-nups would be ditched pronto. The only situation I do agree with it in is if the man has family wealth- that is completely fair he would want to protect his parent's assets.

 

If you are that focused on money and preserving your own income in the event of a split- you shouldn't get married because it is a nasty attitude and if I saw one ioata of that in a man I would stay well away- because it shows you wouldn't want to be fair in a divorce and would want to protect your assets as much of possible. What's mine is mine is basically a tight wad's way of saying that you don't intend to bring anything to the table and see yourself as "single" and not part of a partnership- in a marriage, both parties property is shared. Good luck getting any woman to marry you with your attitude because only a fool of a woman would. No way would I commit to someone who made it so clear that they are already thinking like this, about a divorce and how to ensure that no "babe" gets a penny of theirs and is left high and dry.

 

Now gold diggers- yes, disgusting. Women who marry a guy and divorce after a few years and expect half, yes disgusting. I am not condoning that at all.

 

Just so you know- most people in poverty after divorce are women who got screwed over and are left with not a lot of money, no confidence, and no means of getting a career as they have been raising children for 10 years or more- while the man goes on to enjoy his career and earnings which have not been affected

 

I am talking about women who have been married for 10 plus years and divorced. They deserve every penny.

[Reflective82]

And I think your attitude about woman who are stay at home mothers being not equal and freeloaders is sexist and quite frankly offensive and disgusting. My mother is not a freeloader at all and she is definitely equal. She earned more than my dad when they met and gave up her career to look after the home, raise us and manage my dad's property portfolio- she is a housewife. Again, sorry to say but there's a reason why you are single and it is your negative attitude towards women and money