Disagreement over future living arrangements

[Seraphim]

I think you have probably 20 or more years before you have to make this decision. How old are your parents Fudgie what in their 50s? They could conceivably live 30 or more years. I don't think it's worth getting your panties in a bunch about it right now .

[Batya33]

I didn't read the whole thread but how far apart are the two houses? Can't you split your time between the two or have a part-time live together situation? I'm sorry this is on your mind -it is a tough situation.

[OptomisticGirl]

I agree wit those who say you shouldn't break up right now because yes, in reality this situation may not even happen for another 30-40 years. And even in a few years circumstances could change and you could have another option then that you don't have now. That being said I'm a planner myself and agree with DN in that if this is something huge for you you do at least still need to discuss it, no matter how far off it might be.

 

What are the reasons why you don't like his grandparents' house - is it the house itself (cosmetics, size) or the fact his family knows were it's at? Has N gave any kind of proposition on how to keep his toxic family out of your lives if you were to live at his grandparents?

[DN]

The problem with postponing this issue is that one or both of you is going to feel pressured when it comes up - and it will be much harder to deal with then than now. Whoever 'wins' at that point will leave the other feeling resentful that they felt pressured by not wanting to end the relationship after so many years.

 

It's sort of like those folks where one wants kids and the other doesn't and they get married hoping that in four or five years one or the other will change their minds.

[blueidealist24]

Well, they may be far off, but if this is going to be a dealbreaker between you then you do need to sort it out now. What would be the point of becoming more and more invested in this relationship knowing you are going to have to part because neither of you can or will agree? That time could have been spent by each of you healing and perhaps finding someone else.

 

But even if she found someone else, problems could come up with them too since they might also be opposed to living with the sister.. best not to ditch a whole relationship over one problem, even if it's a big one (unless it involves cheating or abuse, which it doesn't).

[DN]

But even if she found someone else, problems could come up with them too since they might also be opposed to living with the sister.. best not to ditch a whole relationship over one problem, even if it's a big one (unless it involves cheating or abuse, which it doesn't).

Of course other problems might come up but this is a very fundamental issue that is happening now, not some hypothetical issue that may come up with some imaginary person. Pretending this isn't going to cause problems down the road would be most unwise.

[Fudgie]

Okay I need to answer some questions here:

 

1) The homes are 30-40 min apart in different counties. My house is bigger, older, and in the country. I have no neighbours, which I love. My boyfriend's place is smaller, in the 'burbs, with neighbours (ick).

My county is MUCH MUCH less expensive to live in, tax wise and other-wise. Downside is that it's a commute from the city that I work in now and will probably work in the future

 

2) My parents are in their late 50s. I'm in my early 20s, obviously. They are still working and will be for a while. I know this is a ways off but I still worry. I know they will oversee my sister but when they get older, they will need someone else to help out and I want and they want that person to be me.

 

3) There is no chance in hell I am leaving this area. I spent 4 years out of state for college and hated it. Don't get me wrong, I love to travel but I NEED to stay close to home due to family. How am I going to oversee my sister if I am living out of state? I'll have zero support. It's just a no. Grad school for me will only take 2 years. I plan to go home afterward because my family is there and also my city is the best in terms of employment for what I want to do and this isn't going to change anytime soon.

If N wanted to stay in the grad school area after I'm done with grad school, I have to be honest, it would end our relationship. I know ultimately though, he wants to stay in this area, for similar reasons such as mine. All our friends are here. our stuff is here, our family is here, our lives are here.

 

4) I don't believe that mortgages have to be a part of my life. I don't have to suck it up and get one if I don't want. I don't want to be in debt to a bank for years on end for a house that will ultimately be reclaimed by the bank because I have/will have no one to leave a house to. It's just a waste of funds. If I'm lucky enough to be getting house, I'm going to utilize that.

 

Another thing is, I am not sure if I want to enter into a mortgage agreement with anyone...not just N, but anyone. To me, it is a huge gamble and when it comes to money, I am not a risk taker. I am also not a risk taker when it comes to relationships/love. I am finding that out as I go along. I'd rather live in either my house and keep my name on the deed or live in his house and he gets to keep his name on the deed.

 

I don't have idea of a "dream house" for me. I don't want to buy a home. I love my family's home. I don't really want to leave it, ideally. It has so many things I like about it that I can't get in other houses. I've obviously lived on my own by now for a while, lived in different places. I don't want to sink money into a place that isn't this house.

 

4) Why do I hate my boyfriend's place? It's mostly because of the family issue. Lots of bad things have happened with his grandparent's house. Like his grandmother slowly drinking herself to death. Her verbal abuse. I've seen her abuse her pets too. I just walk through it and there's no way that the house could ever be "home". It just reeks of that psychotic, drunk piece of crap. I think my ill feelings toward his stupid grandmother really affects how I feel about the house and living there. It makes me horrifically uncomfortable.

 

I also don't like the property taxes...way too high. Backyard is too small. I don't like having any neighbors. I want to live in the country like where my family's house is. I don't want to deal with his family trying to come around and extort drug money or sympathy or whatever they want. It smells funny. Doesn't have things that my family's house has. Too many deer. I don't like the garage. It is a modern house and I don't like modern houses. The layout is weird. His grandpa designed it. Ugh, so even elements of the family that I dislike so much are embedded IN the house because it was designed by them.

 

My boyfriend says "Well if they come around, we'll get restraining orders." I DON'T WANT THESE PSYCHOS EVEN KNOWING MY NAME LET ALONE KNOWING WHERE I LIVE. It scares the living daylights out of me. Getting a restraining order doesn't make me feel any better.

 

Well let me say, if I HAD to live there, I would. If it were a choice of a) getting a mortgage and actually sinking money into another place or b) having to live in that house, I would just grit my teeth and live in the house. Would I dislike and not think of it as home? Yes. But I could deal.

 

I feel sad when I think about my sister. i agree ToV, she doesn't need to be shoved into a home. We can keep overseeing her as a family.

 

In a way, because of my sibling's issues (yes, both of them, not just her), I don't see them as being on my level and I do perhaps see them in more of a parental light. I get sad when I think about my sister. I want her to be okay. I've not been a very good sister when I was younger. I am different now. When my parents are gone, I'll just have her and my brother.

 

I don't really think I've ever had a relationship that I had 100% confidence in lasting for life. I would like to know that it would last and I could have the confidence, but I can't know for sure. Maybe feelings will change, or something crazy will happen and he will want children (this has happened to me in the past), he'll die early, or (perhaps most likely in my mind), maybe he'll decide that he doesn't want to deal with me dealing with my own, deep personal issues. And I don't blame him. That's why I am unwilling to share a mortgage with someone and I've been thinking that marriage may not be right for me. It's just too risky. I've always had that thought "well this is could end and I'd be single". which is true. I want N and I to last long-term but ultimately, I don't know if it will happen. I could lose him but I'll have my own intermediate family always.

[Fudgie]

God, I am just really starting to see, I am very stingy when it comes to money.

 

The only thing I am not stingy about is travelling.

[lavenderdove]

OK, you keep talking about not wanting a mortgage, but if you sold both houses and bought another one with the money, you wouldn't need a mortgage. (Or even sold one of the houses). So you won't need to get a mortgage and that is no excuse for not selling both houses and finding one that is more suitable for both of you together rather than one person or the other.

 

the real issue that i see is you are extremely attached to your parent's house, and he is extremely attached to his grandparents house. In cases like this, the solution is to live in neither, and find a house you BOTH like.

 

What I see here is a real tension where you both want EVERYTHING you want and not to have to sacrifice for the other person, and it is getting down to the nitty gritty where if you are serious about melding your lives, you will have to learn to compromise, and do it many, many, MANY times over the course of a lifetime.

 

And if you decide you want that house MORE than you want him, then that tells you something (i.e., that he is not the right partner for you and it is time to break up).

 

>>When my parents are gone, I'll just have her and my brother.

 

This is a problem that everyone faces. But it doesn't mean they actually live with their siblings forever. And it sounds like your sister is high functioning enough to live on her own with some assistance in terms of finances. So you don't HAVE to physically live with her, that is what you feel you WANT to do and you WANT to reward her like a kid with a pony on a birthday by 'granting' her a life where she raises animals and you pick up the tab. So you may have some guilt there where you feel obligated to 'treat' her (as in give her treats to watch her smile as parents do a 2 year old) rather than recognizing that though she may have a partial disaability, she is an adult and a functional one so you don't need to play the parent with her and instead just give her help to bridge the gap for things she can't genuinely do for herself.

 

So i think it is time for you to sit down and decide these things, whether your bottom line is you WILL live with your sister rather than consider other options to help her live independently as an adult (and there are many), oe whether you are willing to sell both house and find another house you are both happy with. If you are not willing to do those things, then you probably are not suited for your BF. You might be able to find a man who wants to live in the country and doesn't mind having your sister live with you, but your BF honestly isn't being unreasonable in terms of not wanting to live with your sister since there are other alternatives for your sister that don't require you living with her.

 

And if your BF won't agree to sell his grandparents house that you hate, then you are in a stalemate position and probably should invest no more time in a relationship that is going nowhere, unless you are willing to live in separate houses (him in his and you and your sister in yours) and be happy with that..

[greywolf]

Fudgie, I think that at this point, you're not ready to commit to a long-term relationship with anyone. Having a mortgage and being with someone you love is better than having a nice house all alone, IMO.

[Seraphim]

I think what is at play here is he is entirely distancing himself from every member of his family. Where as you used to feel distant from many members of your family and now you're trying to reconnect with your family. So he wants you to be the same as him and be like you used to be ,disconnected from your family and that is not what you want now. He is not keeping pace with the way that you are changing.

 

The thing is your autistic siblings are not on the same level with his drug addicted crazy relatives.

[Snny]

I also don't like the property taxes...way too high. Backyard is too small. I don't like having any neighbors. I want to live in the country like where my family's house is. I don't want to deal with his family trying to come around and extort drug money or sympathy or whatever they want.

If you live out of state, it will take HIS family more effort to come out and reach you both... which means you don't get to see them often or hardly at all. There is plenty of country out in the US- it's not like the deer are stuck in ONE spot.

 

3) There is no chance in hell I am leaving this area. I spent 4 years out of state for college and hated it. Don't get me wrong, I love to travel but I NEED to stay close to home due to family. How am I going to oversee my sister if I am living out of state?

...

If N wanted to stay in the grad school area after I'm done with grad school, I have to be honest, it would end our relationship. I know ultimately though, he wants to stay in this area, for similar reasons such as mine. All our friends are here. our stuff is here, our family is here, our lives are here.

I was in the same boat as you several months ago AND lived in a city where there were more job opportunities than anywhere else in the nation. You can plan your future under a tight schedule, but you can't entire plan it all out until situations occur. Being an adult means being flexible. I was in a position that I had to move farther away from ALL of my friends and family. Bills/student loans have to be paid; they weren't going to pay them and I couldn't afford to sit for months of being unemployed because I was too stubborn to leave the area I was familiar with. That's called sacrifice and adults make plenty of it.

 

How I am dealing with it now is that I am building NEW friendships here and doing things with link removed groups and waiting for my own fiance to finish school and move down here.

 

Wait... let's talk about friends!

Your friends are ALSO going to change and move on with their own lives. Friends do not become a high priority anymore by the time you are an adult with a career and family (with your spouse) to focus on. It's harder to stick by with the people you met in college and high school for that reason... especially those who will have children; you may not, but they might. Ultimately, all you are left with is your husband and family you contact every once awhile.

 

This is a problem that everyone faces. But it doesn't mean they actually live with their siblings forever. And it sounds like your sister is high functioning enough to live on her own with some assistance in terms of finances. So you don't HAVE to physically live with her...

Yep, and that was my original message I was trying to get accross. Her sister will be fine- it's not like she's handicapped. The reason I told my story was to show that it is very possible to support family from far places, even if they are wheelchair bounded.

 

Fudgie, I think that at this point, you're not ready to commit to a long-term relationship with anyone. Having a mortgage and being with someone you love is better than having a nice house all alone, IMO.

I fully agree with this until living arrangements AND priorities are settled. They cannot move on until priorities are reset.

[einsteins_girl]

Speaking from experience, disagreements on future living arrangements can be a huge strain on a relationship. If it truly feels like neither of you are willing to compromise - or if a compromise would create resentment, I would recommend going your separate ways. As others have said, the more time invested, the harder it is to walk away and the more resentment will grow. Trust me. What seems like a single disagreement can infiltrate and poison an entire relationship.

[journeynow]

Your boyfriend will likely get the suburban house long before your parents pass on, although it's hard to tell what shape his grandparents are in and how long they'll be around. There is so much speculation around this issue, and much could change regarding the homes, taxes, commute, neighborhoods, etc, between now and the possible future when you'll each be home owners. A big unknown is what kind of care aging family members will require before the end of their lives. One or both of the houses may have to be sold to finance their care. Your parents are still in their 50's, and could live another 40 years. Many of the factors you are firm about now may not be as high a consideration. What if your parents needed long term care, would you live with them to help, or would they go into a nursing home? What if the grandparents fail to put him in the will...it sounds like it hasn't been done yet? His family members may contest it.

 

I think there's a different issue behind all of this, and that is whether you each accept or reject the full package that comes with each of you, that is, your families and the unique family bond (and responsibilities) you each hold.

 

Do you feel you are incompatible in this regard?

 

PS. Regarding mortgages: I think it's great to do without them if possible. Live smaller and simpler if need be.

[poetryandlyrics]

I agree with lavenderdove.

 

And while I do understand your feelings of guilt and feelings of being a parent, it is wise not to treat your sister as such. She may have a disability, but it does not cripple her into a childlike way of life. That's the problem with people of the "norm," viewing those who aren't able as them as needing help when they shouldn't. I have experience in this. By law, I am "disabled," though I disagree. I'm just Deaf, that doesn't make me handicapped. My perspective is different and I know way more loopholes than others do and ways to do life and sometimes, more advantages. Regarding your sister, she sounds high functioning so she sounds capable. Do give her the credit to be an adult.

 

You could perhaps let her live in the house while you visit for your sister time without being a parent (along with managing her money). Or she can find another home with perhaps your help, and you can visit her there. Let her be independent. I know the other side of people's views that forces people into being dependent (not me but someone close to me), and it is not benefitical. It could be the same for your sister. Perhaps not but she could gain such pride and etc. by simply being independent, and that's not a bad way to go. Be a sister, not a parent.

[tiredofvampires]

Fudgie, I think that at this point, you're not ready to commit to a long-term relationship with anyone. Having a mortgage and being with someone you love is better than having a nice house all alone, IMO.

 

A beautifully succinct summary, imo.

 

I also like what ethereal (and others) are saying about the importance of treating your sister with maximal parity to yourself as possible, as an adult. Of course, I don't think that being at a 10-year-old's developmental level and being deaf are the same, in terms of being able to care for oneself in a fully independent adult capacity. But your sister can do a lot still, is highly-functioning, and even 10-year-olds can understand enough that she could be helped to a point where your presence is not physically necessary all the time. I agree that there is a fine line between making sure her needs are maintained and she is safe, and infantilizing her and taking on a role that goes beyond what is actually called for.

 

I can see how you'd feel like why should you pay a mortgage when you already have a great house, but it really does come down to what you value most in life. Money is important to live a comfortable and secure life. But of all the values that this situation involves, it is the LEAST (or should be, imo) important thing in life. Loving relationships and strong family ties are the most important things in life. The rest is all materialism. And it's easier to come by money in this world if you work hard than those other two, so those should be your most prized "possessions." Especially in love relationships, it's so very hard to find the right one, the right match (as this forum is testament to.) And since you're not a very materialistic person, to put this much emphasis on money (the mortgage, a house) especially when you will have enough of it to afford your life's necessities and even more, seems a bit out of character with your own values.

 

Something has to give -- and you can either give up your relationship, give up your family ties (which includes the heirloom of a family house), or give up money towards a mortgage. Which of those sacrifices is going to impoverish your life IN THE GRAND SCHEME the most?

 

You can think of a mortgage as "sinking money into a house", or you can think of it as "a compromise that is being made to retain my family's assets as well as my lifelong partner." If you and your partner break up or divorce (in the case of marriage), you can sell the house and go your separate ways, which means you'll have your family home to go back to. Same if your partner dies. You could even move back into your family house and NOT sell the house you bought, but rent it out (I'm not sure about the legalities on this one, but I'm sure there's a way.) At the end of life, you'll of course pass away too, and all this material stuff and what happens to the houses will become immaterial (and if you don't have children and your siblings don't, your family house has an expiry, itself, as your lineage goes). But what will you have filled your life with before that time?

 

To be honest, I think your current mindset has a lot to do with your relationship with your father, and the fact that you are strongly reflecting his role as the "paterfamilias." I don't think this is peripheral to the issue, I think it's part of what's centrally driving your insistance on the idea taking a parental role with her, which is not just being her legal and financial advisor and having power of attorney, it's much, much more. I think there is an authoritarian role that you feel you must inherit, not just as a duty to your sister -- but in obeyance to your father. I believe this may be primary. And this also goes along with the emotional feelings you have about the house -- and fears about severing something there. I think the house is symbolic to you of severing an umbilical cord, even though you may actually also like the house itself. The harder part to part with is the family dynamic that you'd keep by living in it and going forward as you'd like.

 

So, I think the way to reach a middle ground on this is to not sever it entirely, and retain the house and your sister in it -- but not at the cost of your own life and independence, emotionally, spiritually, and materially, if you love your partner enough that you feel you two could last.

 

I'm just saying, it's really important to know not just WHAT you're sacrificing -- but WHY you want to sacrifice in the way you are. And I think if you examine this, you may not have your issues worked out enough around your role, and healthy dynamics in the family, to make a practical decision of this magnitude that is not tainted with some inner confusion which drives your values and priorities.

 

I think you should not break up with your bf over this to pre-empt a future breakup, as I stick by my view that that's premature, but it would be wise to reassess and investigate (maybe as part of therapy) what matters to you most and why, and make sure you're coming from a place that isn't emotionally-driven or fear-driven.

 

Also, remember, nothing is written in stone. Houses can be sold, refinanced, remodelled, sublet, rented out. People can be hired for personal services (to help care for family members). And on and on, to get as many needs met as possible, with the least amount of loss (and its important to separate wants from needs.)

 

You can even have an unconventional partnership and live separately, taking turns at eachother's houses, so that no one feels they are doing all the sacrificing.

 

Love does not conquer all, but if that's the most important asset to you in life, love does find a will and a way.

[poetryandlyrics]

I wasn't saying that they're the exact same thing. They're not. But the perspective often is. I had an aunt who was high functioning "special needs," as in her intellect was borderline but she could do what she could do. That is, until she had pneumonia and had a stroke as a result, causing half of her body paralyzed, including her brain. She could not be independent anymore.

 

I also volunteered shortly at this "special needs" dormitory quite a while ago, and while there are staff at hand for advising or to remind or even just to talk, they are largely on their own. Some more than others. One was actually a genius at chess. I also think a good community of like people could be helpful (as long it isn't abusive in ways or is under par as in one is "smarter" than the rest, feeling stagnant).

 

But you do put things in words well. I just didn't like the concept of feeling "parental" towards her, but rather being a sister. If its unneeded, it's unneeded. Has no or little benefit for one or both parties.

[Fudgie]

She could be observed from afar, like with someone visiting everyday. She is not able to live completely alone. She can't do bills, needs some help with cooking, forgets key safety rules, needs structure. A special needs service sets up her work and drives her to and from work each day.

 

I can't see her as a sister. She is not on my level. We don't relate as sisters. She is very much like a child and I don't mean that as an insult. We talk about G rated things. Not deep topics. She has some speech issues and it's hard for her to converse. I take her to see kid movies, the only kind she likes. I just can't see her in the stereotypical sister light. No amount of scolding or therapy will change this. Only people who have grown up in this sort of situation really can understand, or those who have children like this.

 

She's not like the usual "well I have a disability but I am completely functional." She doesn't have a sex drive! She thinks boys are okay but not that cute.

 

I will write more later. Lots to address. Feeling very bad about all of this. I feel torn and I am not sure what to do. I don't want to choose between my own family and my boyfriend. That choice scares me.

 

I love N and I live with him and I don't want to leave. We've been doing so well. I have invested a lot into this. If we don't work out, the end result is me just going back home and living there. I don't see myself being with someone else. He is the only man my age I've ever considered for a relationship or even was attracted to. I don't want to go back to older men, which is what I am attracted to outside of him. I may end up alone but I want so much to give him my last shot because I know he's worth it.

 

I am feeling so broken. I'm going to go lie down. I'll be back.

[poetryandlyrics]

Actually, again. I do understand. I'm just not going to reveal that specific experience of mine.

 

I see quite a some choices:

 

Let her stay here and hire someone who is specialized to aid her.

Let her live in a place like her, she will also gain tons of friends and fun from what I've seen.

(Both of those choices, you can visit frequently.)

Find another guy who is willing to have those sort of adjustment. Such as those couples deciding to take care of their parents when needing to in their old age.

Live separately with your SO. Some couples do this. Have a relationship but separate houses.

Take a wait and see approach. Things can happen that you will never know.

Both of you find a big house that's suitable for all of you three, perhaps with a separate door for her.

Maybe can do a make-over for his house with an add on for your sister.

 

I do understand the preference of not having a mortgage. I'll probably get my house as I'm the only child and while it is beautiful (has a library), the few places I want to work is not near. Ah well. Life gets in the way.

[Devchonka]

My now husband and I fought for a long time on whether we would live with his mother, who is diabetic and fairly old, and since he's the youngest son he would take care of her. At least thats the tradition. I never understood why the hell a son who is still in college would need to take care of his mother when his older brothers have more developed lives. I never lived alone and refused to live with another mother for the rest of my life or her life, it was absolutely vital to me that I could live with him on our own. It was not a negotiation though i agreed living with her for a while. Not long ago there was a big family fight and she basically disowned us, we moved out on our own and are living in our own apartment. She is living with another brother. Problem solved. You never know what will happen in the future. Have hope. Maybe you guys should spend a bit more time with you r sister so he can get used to her mannerisms? Sort of desensitize him. Just a thought.

[tiredofvampires]

Ethereal, that is a really good break-down of the choices. There are just a lot more options than either he live in your house full-time or you in his.

 

On a completely separate note...I'm surprised with all the bad history, horrible memories, and possibility of mentally unstable family that could harass him, you bf would would want to live in his grandparents' house. I'm not sure why HE would even want that, given the bad energy there and all that comes with it. A house is not just a structure. It's a place, and places are full of associations.

 

I do understand about your sister's limited functioning. Having worked with developmentally disabled adults, been a live-in caregiver for a woman with Alzheimer's, and most of all, having a best friend with a grown daughter with profound autism (can't speak, wears a diaper), who needs constant vigilant 24/7 supervision like a toddler would need, I do understand that there is only so much your sister can do. I also am not implying that you can have an equal relationship as adults, but that you can still set things up to keep your lives more in parallel than you living as her constant supervisor/superior (which is more parental.)

 

What I am (and others are) saying is that you don't have to assume all the duties of daily care. Professionals can help with care-taking needs, with you living separately but visiting often and being in close contact. You can be a constant in her life, even if not constantly there.

 

Otherwise, everything else I said stands. One thing I wanted to add is that I do think it'll be hard to find a mate suited to you like your current one is. Not just because of things with you or him and your individual issues, and the way you've found a good meshing of them together, but because it just is hard overall to find someone that clicks for a lifetime, period. As I said above. The things that break people up usually come down to personality differences, differences in values and ambitions, and so forth. By contrast, what you have here is merely a practical and logistic problem. And I think it would be a real shame to break up over a logistic issue when everything else is pretty well-fitting, especially when there are a number of different things you could do to creatively find a happy medium.

 

I'm not sure why you're stressing yourself out right now so much over this, because unless you're trying to cut your losses now by finding another man more suitable to you to build a life with (and I know you have no such interest), why not wait until this becomes a current decision, not a future one? If your partner is suitable to you in all ways except this one, I don't know how breaking up many years or a decades ahead of the fact would serve either of you. Neither of you are planning to have children, so there is no biological clock chiming in your ears. There is no decision to make now to relocate your life. And in all other ways, you're enjoying your relationship together. I believe in planning, but I also think it's totally gratuitous anxiety when you aren't losing valuable time here by staying with eachother and seeing what the future brings.

 

If you broke up with N, the only thing I see a new guy might have over N would be that he might have his own house. So that would be one of your major dealbreakers when looking for a new partner if you did look for one: do you have your own house (that doesn't come with psycho family members in the mix)? Which is not a really solid dealbreaker to have, given all the other criteria that can make or break a relationship. Either that OR he'd be willing to live with your sister, which frankly will be a hard find to come by. Yes, couples do do this -- but that is often when they've had a life for a long time together, and later on a parent or relative comes because of end-of-life issues, so these couples have already built a long history together before that kind of stressor. It's harder to start with someone with that as part of a packaged deal. Not that it can't happen, but it's harder to find, especially when you're still fairly young.

 

I don't know N, but it would seem to me that this isn't a high stakes game where time is a factor for him to consider either. (And by the way, you wouldn't be that easy to replace either, Fudgie. He's got his own set of issues.)

 

So if you're not breaking up because you're incompatible as a couple, and the practical issue itself is years to decades away, and saving time is really not a consideration....why is this conceptual issue bogging either of you down? If it's meant to end when you and N are in your 40's, 50's or more, then face that then. Why now? What is being gained by this planning, in this case? The only circumstance I can see this being remotely relevant in right now is if your parents are killed together, like in an accident, which is quite remote.

 

Sometimes planning can be unhelpful and not very useful.

[Fudgie]

TOV,

 

I've wondered that myself. Why would he want to stay in such a place? With all those memories?

 

He doesn't think so. He says a house is a house. He actually moved around a lot in his childhood. He didn't live there until his early teens after his mother lost custody after abusing him. Still, bad memories because his grandmother drinks and gets abusive too.

 

He likes the house because of the practical, modern setup. Like it has a lot of closets and such. That's really it. He doesn't care about the memories it seems. And he said he wouldn't want to live there unless they were both gone or living elsewhere.

 

His grandparents are not doing well. Grandmother is drinking herself into delirium. She has episodes of alcohol withdrawal. You can't hold a conversation with her anymore. The grandfather has heart disease and eats horrible food. Fatty ground beef and kielbasa. He had a major, major heart attack and landed himself in the ER a few months ago. I don't know much about what they think caused it, I opted not to visit him. I haven't talked to or seen his grandparents since early fall. They are definitely on the way out, so to speak.

 

N is in the will. I'm sure the family will contest but I doubt it will go anywhere. Mom is a convicted felon drug addict who kept losing her kid in court. Yeah, okay.

 

God there's just mess on both sides here. I hate it.

[Fudgie]

I have more to add, much more, I'll do it later though...

[Fudgie]

Revisiting this thread - I know it's been a while.

 

I'm aware that mortgages and property taxes are a way of life. However, if I don't want to, I don't want to get a mortgage. I also don't want to live in a place with high property taxes. It's all going to a school system that I don't really care too much about. I'd rather live in an area that has a lower property tax rate, even if it has crappy schools. As long as it's low-crime and inexpensive, I don't care. I definitely want to live more out in the country. The school system where my family is S-U-C-K-S (I left that school system many years ago because it was so bad) but the property taxes are very, very, very low and there is essentially no crime. That's all I really care about.

 

I don't want to share a mortgage with someone, married or not. Bad idea. Lease is okay (I'm sharing one now, heh) but not a mortgage. It just seems like a bad idea for me.

 

Yes, I'm quite attached to my family's home. There's a lot of sentimental value there, besides it just being a good home.

 

I've had a couple things happen recently that really made me see....I really want to be there for my sister. If I can't live with her, I'm going to find another way to keep watch over her. This is very important to me. Maybe I can't live with her, okay, but I'm going to live somewhat nearby, ideally. I'm never going to let her go into a group home. These here suck and they like to group people like her with drug users. YEAH what a smart idea! She will never have to be in such a bad place, I'll make sure of it. She will never have to live with low-lives and be taken advantage of by these people.

 

I ended up talking with my parents about it. There are couple properties VERY close to our home. They said that while the actual house may be too much for her to keep up with on her own, living in it, that they are considering, in the future, having her live in a smaller house nearby, and then she can come over the actual house and she can have some animals there. I could live in the house, either alone or with a partner.

 

N says he doesn't care if she lives nearby and comes over, he just wouldn't be cool with her living in the actual HOUSE. Okay, makes sense.

 

I guess her living alone in a small place will encourage independence, yet I would be able to see her often and monitor her. I can take care of my family's house myself just fine. She couldn't, and my parents are right, it may be a bit much for her, but they still want her to be able to enjoy the benefits and comforts of it. I see nothing wrong with that.

 

N got power of attorney recently, and he's definitely in the will. His grandparents are losing their marbles, slowly but surely. I really don't know how long they are going to last. If you saw them, you'd think they were in their mid 80s or even 90s...not early 70s. They look like crap. That's alcohol and bad eating and a healthy scoop of SELF DENIAL for you.