Disagreement over future living arrangements

[Fudgie]

This is stupid but I can't help but feel a little sad and not sure what to do.

 

My boyfriend and I have been together over a year, we live together, known each other for many years, etc. Things are going okay. I am contemplating grad school, possibly out of state, but he intends to follow me there because his job is pretty flexible.

 

We have a discussion, a calm one, about future plans regarding houses. His grandma is essentially dying from all the alcohol she abuses and the grandfather wants to make my boyfriend have power of attorney for both of them and leave him their house.

 

I too will probably get my family's house. My parents want this. My autistic sister will want to stay there and I am happy to live with her and oversee her and make sure she is fine.

She has a full time job and is reasonably independent. The house is huge and is already divided into two big wings.

 

We discussed it before and he seemed fine but this time, he told me he didn't want to live in the same house as my sister. He doesn't want anyone living with us but, well, us. Neither of us want children and he is contemplating sterilization for himself.

 

On the flip side, he thinks his grandparent's house is great and practical. I told him I don't want to live in that house. The backyard is too small, the place reeks, I don't like the location that much, and his grandmother will drink herself to death in it. Creepy and weird. Plus his mentally ill family will try to come over even though he wants them to stay away.

 

I don't like his family so why would I ever live in that house? I could never call it home.

 

So what he wants: live in his grandparent's house or in my house but my sister can't live there.

 

What I want: live in my family's house with my sister living in a separate wing.

 

I am not willing to get another house because that's a hassle and I don't want a mortgage for something that is probably going to depreciate in value anyway.

 

I know it is probably premature to worry about but this whole thing made me worry about how compatible we really are. It makes me sad. I am trying not to think about it.

 

My sister wants to stay in the family home and the only way she can do that is to have someone just oversee her and the finances and I want to be the one to do that.

 

I worry this relationship has an expiry date because of our different, stark views on this.

 

 

Please knock some sense into me

[pippy longstocking]

ahhh fudgie ....I cant knock sense into you because I actually see very much where you are coming from and not only that I am delighted to read you want to live with your sis ..thats so important and the way you described it all ..well your house ..big divided up , sis just needs a bit of guidance ..

 

or smelly pit with the crazy people ...

 

I am with you

 

but that doesn't solve this ..

is he refusing to budge on this ?

[Fudgie]

Well his house would be empty. He would not move back in with his grandparents.

 

The rest of his family is crazy and I know they'd be stopping by and trying to get in.

Fun fact: he had me set up a call blocker on his phone so he could block calls and texts from people. I checked it recently and his drug abusing sister had tried to call 10x in one day. This is what he deals with.

 

I don't necessarily fault him for not wanting to live with my sister. She is a little loud when I she talks. Sometimes she is a bit immodest (does a naked mad dash from the shower to her room, in front of my boyfriend). She is like a 10 year old in how she is. I tried to tell him about the separate wings and such, but he still isn't for it.

 

I understand where he's coming from. I know he wants peace and quiet. I would allow my sister to raise farm animals like she has always wanted to (she's paid to take care of other people's animals) and I don't think she could do that on her own. It's just two different views. I don't think it's fair of me to fault him.

 

I am just sad right now.

[Fudgie]

I feel bad too because for a long time, I did not want to live*with any of my family. Now I am okay with living with her. I've changed. I see her in a different light. Does she annoy me sometimes? Yes. But she improves every year.

 

But again, I totally see where he's coming from. He said he likes living alone with me and wants our place to be our place. Not with someone else.

[pippy longstocking]

no of course he is not at fault ..and it is his perogative to want to spend his life the way he chooses .

 

stalemate isn't it !

 

both right

both have genuine reasons

 

we need to find a happy medium here ...but the content is awkward and not something you can change ..ie your sis ..andin that respect , you do need to be in your house so you can have a wing each to allow him his privacy and her her independance .

 

would you be able to afford to quite literally made a clear division so she has in essence her own "house" not just a divided house ?

[Fudgie]

A new kitchen would have to be built on.

Otherwise, it's separate bathrooms, bedrooms, living rooms, etc.

 

The only thing the new wings share now is a huge kitchen and a small laundry room.

 

I don't think any grand additions can be made because this is a very, very old house.

 

You're right, we're both valid in our positions. Just different.

[pippy longstocking]

oh fudgie I am sat wracking my brain here to come up with an answer ..this is so awful

 

by the way the house sounds fab

 

I mean this is a long way off and things change and minds change and you don't know what is round the corner.

 

where is your thinking at right now ? are you wondering if you should walk away now ?

 

I wouldnt ...I think I would let life unfold and see what comes

[Fudgie]

To be honest, his house could be fab too. With work. He told me if I wanted him to, once the house is his, he'd gut the thing and throw away all of his family's stuff, paint everything, rip out the carpets, if it made me feel better. Yeah but, I still don't like it.

 

I wouldn't walk away now but this does worry me. We've never disagreed like this on something. Something big that is.

 

I've invested a lot into this relationship and I don't want to pull out. I love him.

[pippy longstocking]

And I don't think you should pull out , but at the same time understand fully your worry ...

 

he clearly adores you as much as you him , you both don't want children , happy together ..its a match

and I hope someone can come up with a solution that suits everyone ..

 

dont give up fudgie ..your a lovely couple

[DN]

I would not want to live with a sister-in-law under those conditions, even in a separate wing because the chances are it would still be as if it were the same house.

 

As far as the two houses are concerned could you sell them and buy one that you both like?

[lavenderdove]

OK, what i think he is really telling you is that he doesn't want the responsibility of living with your sister enmeshed in your daily lives. So he is setting conditions that will prevent that. He is a man who doesn't even want children, and it would make sense if he doesn't want that responsbility, he doesn't want permanent responsibility for a partially disabled adult either nor to have her so close she was involved in your daily life.

 

Regarding your sister, there are other ways to solve that problem. Many adults who have various disabilities do very well living in group homes with people like themselves. They have lots of support and make friends and establish relationships and live a full life. So perhaps the answer is rather than living with your sister in a mode where you assume a parental role, you help her get into a situation where she is functioning as a adult with her own life with support from friends and peers in a group home with advisory professionals trained to help them all live relatively independent lives.

 

And it is not your job to make your sister's every dream come true (i.e., raising farm animals just because she likes it). You're basically planning a life that requires YOU to be the lynchpin that gets your sister everything she wants from life, while your BF is well aware that that is what you are doing, making decisions about your own life together in order to get HER what she wants. I would suggest if she is not in a position to handle certain things in her life on her own, don't set up circumstances that require your intimate involvement in her life in a parental role to make her wishes come true. She may be perfectly happy as a separate functioning adult caretaking animals, and if she is not capable of managing raising them on her own, then you shouldn't sign up for that. All of us have dreams and hopes, and some are reasonable and some are not. You are basically setting the situation up to say you are willing to sacrifice your own life and your BF's life to meet your sister's fantasies and that frankly isn't right for you or for him.

 

And regarding where you live, you can always sell both places and have the money to buy a single place for yourselves, and manage half the money from your parent's house to help support your sister so that she can live relatively indepedently with her peers in a group home situation where she has her own social life that doesn't revolve around you alone.

 

You can always make the decision that you want to play more of a parental role for your sister rather than helping her transition into a functioning adult life that is appropriate based on who she is and what she is capable of including finding her own life and relationships rather than having you as a parent/caretaker. But if you choose to keep her 'childlike' by stepping into being her parent rather than helping her live an adult life of oher own, i can almost guarantee that you will eventually end up alone without this particular BF because he doesn't want to sign up to be anybody's 'parent' and is struggling with family issues of his own and to live a normal life. And frankly i don't think it is the right choice because it would be better for her to live as a functioning separate adult because you can't guarantee you'll be there for her forever either if something happens to you.

 

Your task is to try to plan a life that works for ALL of you, and if your sister is relatively high functioning and just needs someone to manage money for her, then she would be perfectly happy in a group home situation, in fact, it is probably more appropriate for her and better for her socially in the long run.

[OptomisticGirl]

How far away are the houses from each other?

[itsallgrand]

 

I wouldn't walk away now but this does worry me. We've never disagreed like this on something. Something big that is.

 

I've invested a lot into this relationship and I don't want to pull out. I love him.

 

You'll work this out, Fudgie. There are lots of options here.

 

Does your sister not have a care worker? Or is it primarily family?

 

Maybe one of the best ways to start would be to sit down with those in charge of your sister's welfare right now and work out what the plan is going to be if/when those people can no longer care for her. She deserves a concrete plan for the future, I'm sure you agree. And I don't think it would be fair for you to have to face this during a crisis time either. Have you formally committed to your parents to be her primary care taker? And if so, did your bf know this?

 

Once there is a solid plan and you KNOW you don't have to worry about your sister, options which you aren't seeing now might become viable too.

 

BTW, I'm not saying "oh forget about caring for your sister!"...hardly!...I'm saying I think it's time for the tough talks about what will actually happen. I don't see this so much of an issue of the house as what will life be like...is your bf being asked to live in a home with your sister for the remainder of her life if he wants to be with you?

[Fudgie]

Lavender,

 

He said he doesn't want to be responsible for her. I see where he is coming from. In a way, I don't blame him.

 

My parents and I don't want her going into a home. The couple ones in our area suck and they are for people who are put there due to money problems. Many of them don't even have autism... Just issues like bipolar. I know bipolar people from such homed and it's scary. Bad quality. She is functional in that she has an assembly line job and can do daily tasks herself and chores and whatnot. I would like to live with her and that is not out of a sense of duty only.

 

You're right, I could be alone forever but that could happen for many reasons

 

I don't know how much I'm willing to sacrifice here. I could end up alone even if I chose not to live with her.

If I get this house, I won't marry because I need to protect it from possible future divorce proceedings. So in a way, I am fine with giving up my life long desire to marry... That is okay. But my relationship?

 

OG, the houses are 30 min apart. In different counties too.

 

grand,

 

Her caretaker is family only. I talked to my parents about being the one to oversee her finances at the least. I don't trust someone else because they'd probably dip their hand into the fund. Lots of snakes out there.

 

If I didn't end up living with her, I still want to live somewhat nearby so I can check up on her and oversee her finances. That's the least that I'll do. My boyfriend has known this for a long time. He sort of knew about the living idea. I didn't bring it up for a while until recently.

 

Even if I didn't live with her, I'd still love to retain the house. It's in a cheap place and it's beautiful and I know I could afford the upkeep.

 

I haven't told my parents that my boyfriend doesn't want me to do this.

 

I just feel sad and lost right now. I've lost confidence and I'm struggling a little. I don't want to end my relationship now or even in the near future but I'm very morosely starting to see the possibility of it not working out over something like this. I'm very aware that because of many factors, I don't see myself finding another LTR

 

I would never, ever force him into a living situation that is permanent that he hated. I'd rather break up with him than make him miserable like that.

 

UGH I feel so stupid for complaining about this. How lucky I am. We are both supposed to get houses. How lucky is that? So freaking lucky that we are disagreeing about which one to go to.

[lavenderdove]

I think if you work on it you can find a way to live separately in another house with your BF while still overseeing your sister's finances.

 

What it comes down to now is are you willing to throw over your BF in order to hang onto your parent's house, because this plan is about sharing that house with your sister, when a house is just a place to live and could be anywhere and you don't need THAT house or to live in the same house as your sister. You can sell that house and find smaller and separate places for both of you to live on the money. And you don't need a large house if it is just you and your BF.

 

The way it sounds now you ARE choosing a house over a loving BF. It is not something I would do. I think you can find a solution that involved selling the house and taking care of both you and your sister, but if the house is more important than the BF i guess that is a choice you will have to make.

 

I think you need to realize there ARE options where you can and will be happy. You have to be flexible and open to resolving this in different ways though if you want to balance all those different things. I think the answer here is that you go to neither house and sell both and allocate that money wisely among a house for you and your BF and another place to live for your sister that is nearby but not attached.

 

My suggestion now is that rather than just 'freezing', you actively look into the options. Get a ballpark figure for what your house would be worth, what his house is worth, and look at some smaller places that you, he, and your sister could afford if you moved into two smaller places rather than trying to hang onto your parent's houses which really don't suit your needs.

 

Another option would be to genuinely split your parents house by walling off the two sides and putting in another kitchen so that one side could be your sister and the other side rented out to cover the costs of maintaining the house. Then you move in with your BF in his house. Then, if your relationship with the BF ever goes South, you can move back into the house with your sister, and if it continues to grow, you can keep that arrangement and earn some income off your side of the parent's house while your sister lives on her side.

 

A third option is that you decide to stay together, but not live together 24x7. Keep your parent's house with your sister, and stay with him most of the time but still keep space in the parent's house to stay over whenever you need to. So you live in his house 5 days a week, and perhaps stay overnight with her 2 nights a week or whenever she needs you. I'm sure he'd be fine with that because you are not requiring him to live with your sister, and you are living with him most of the time. Plenty of people do have 'second homes', and your second home can just be at your parent's house when necessary.

[Snny]

This is a tough issue, but I have some experience.

My aunt got into a car accident and is wheelchair bound for life. Her mental and learning capacities are at a second grader level, added with ADHD. My uncle couldn't take it and ended up divorcing her (but he does support her financially sometimes); they married very young. My cousin didn't even support her; he fell into the wrong crowd, became a drug addict, stole money from his mother to buy dope, ended up in jail, and later died from overdose. She was living with my grandparents for several years... but they're all dead now and that was over 10 years ago. The only living family member my aunt's got is my mother.

 

My parents were living in a small townhouse with no extra room, but now live up in the mountains. Their homes could not accommodate my aunt's needs. Just like your boyfriend, my dad was not keen about supporting my mother's sister either. We had no choice but to place my aunt in a disabled adult home center. Sort of like your sister, my aunt was a horse rider and grew up raising/riding/showing horses... but her lifestyle can no longer support that. The adult center has occasionally taken her to horse farms that work with disabled patrons, which sort of helps her hobbies. My parents did an incredible amount of research to find her a good home that specializes in helping disabled adults. It took us relocating her out of two homes

 

My parents and I don't want her going into a home. The couple ones in our area suck and they are for people who are put there due to money problems.

Then you and your parents need to have an open conversation on who will be caring for your sister; especially when your parents die. No one on my mother's side of the family wanted to place my aunt in a home either because we have been hearing a lot of news reports on abuse in handicapped homes. After my mom's parents' died, she did a lot of research of finding specialized homes with a good reputation.

 

it is a high possibility that you may end up moving your sister to a farther location that specializes with her disability. My parents and my aunt live in two separate states that are three hours apart (and I'm another 3 hours away). We are all doing ok. At least your sister is able to do a lot more things independently than what my aunt can do. I would look at homes that specialize working with autistic adults, see what programs they offer, and go from there.

 

This is one of those things where as you become an adult, you leave the nest and live your own life. Not many adult children live close to their siblings OR their parents these days based on a number of circumstances (namely job offers). Yes it is harder because your sister is Autistic, but if you are planning to marry or be with your boyfriend (like you said... you're not leaving him either). You are going to make sacrifices that will be for the best of you and your sister.

 

On the house situation, I agree with DN- sell both and find something you BOTH like. Bohoo mortgages... no offense, that's apart of growing up. It's nice both families are offering you and your boyfriend a home, but you both need to make a decision that is going to be better for you- and none of those offers are. It's something you're gonna have to deal with.

 

I fully agree with Lavender- you got your own life to live with. You should not put it on halt because of your sister- my parents didn't and we visit our aunt 2 or 3 times a year. it is what it is and it's apart of being an adult. I get to see my family now only 3-4 times a year because I live farther away... so it happens when you get older. You can still be apart of her life, but you got your own life to look after.

 

I'm sorry you're going through this.

[Wayfara]

I would like to live with her and that is not out of a sense of duty only.

 

In my opinion sacrifice means giving up something you want in order to make someone else happy. Giving up happiness to take care of your sister would be a sacrifice. However if taking care of your sister is something you genuinely want but you decide not to in order to make your boyfriend happy you are also making a sacrifice, but for him.

 

Is living with your sister something you genuinely want or would you be doing it mostly out of guilt or duty?

[journeynow]

Fudgie, I think you are making perfect sense, and I appreciate your commitment to your sister. I don't know how to resolve it, but personally after experiencing a 30 year marriage end for innocuous reasons, I wonder if the best route in general is to consider relationships having expiry dates. Maybe that fits in the realm of prenuptial rather than proposals and wedding vows, but relationships serve different purposes at different phases of life. My thoughts are not real clear about this, but the discussion to have with your husband might be about what you each want from your relationship for the next 5 years, and decide if that is workable for each of you, and find creative ways to figure out the housing/living/sister situation. Instead of looking at the house/sister question is as a lifetime decision, deal with it in 5 year increments.

 

Not all partners shun caring for a disabled family member, and what you want regarding your sister and family home is reasonable and makes sense.

[blueidealist24]

Wow, this is really a dilemma.. I see how you want to live with your sister and care for her, especially when your parents gave you that house. But I can also see how your boyfriend wouldn't want to live with your sister for the rest of his life. I also see your point about not wanting his crazy family coming over! My first thought was that you guys should just take neither house, and get a different one, but then you said you guys don't want to do that either.. if you moved into your boyfriend's grandparents' house, could you still pay for your parents' house for your sister to live in? I know then you wouldn't live with her, but she'd still be able to live in your parents' house..

[Wayfara]

what you want regarding your sister and family home is reasonable and makes sense.

 

I agree. Wanting to take care of your sister isn't unreasonable, I have a kid sister and if something happens to my parents I would want to take care of her, and it wouldn't only be out of duty. Wanting to keep your parents' house isn't crazy either, sometimes a house is just a house and sometimes it has sentimal value, especially if it's a house that has been in family for a long time.

 

So I think the big question is if living with your sister is something you want (not your sister or your parents) and not something you feel you must (such big responsibility shouldn't be taken out of obligation in my opinion). Pretending your boyfriend wanted the same thing as you, would you be happy living with your sister? Saying you had another close relative who offered to take care of your sister in your parents' house, would you feel relieved or still want to live with your sister?

[DN]

My wife and I had my mother-in-law, who was then in the first stages of dementia, to live with us for about a year before she got to the point of having to be in a LTCF. It was a definite strain because my wife and I were rarely alone. I thought beforehand that it wouldn't be that much different than when our daughters lived with us but it definitely was very different.

 

Having her to stay with us was a decision we both made and I was fully supportive - had I felt coerced or pressured into it, it would have been infinitely worse.

[RedDress]

Being a very pragmatic person myself, I kind of think you are suffering from "overthink", which is putting your relationship at risk.

 

Here are your medium term goals:

 

I am contemplating grad school, possibly out of state, but he intends to follow me there because his job is pretty flexible.

 

That's great!

 

What you are talking about here are things that seem to be fairly far off in the future. His grandparents have not died and neither have your parents. You are solving for a problem that you don't actually have yet.

 

In reality, things will happen in a natural, chronological order. I'm making a lot of assumptions, here... but likely, his grandparents will die first. If you are only 23 (and assuming your parents are in their 50s), it could be another 40 years until you get that house and the responsibility for your sister!

 

I simply don't think you should be planning to this level of detail for something that may not happen until 40 years from now. You may not even be with him at that time (for other reasons).

 

I think the order of things appears to be fairly simple:

- Go get your grad degree (hey! You may both decide to stay in that other state and all this prognostication will be for nothing)

- If his grandparents die and you end up back in your state, renovate the house (which is good for the value anyways) and maybe stay there a while so you aren't paying rent

- Re-assess the sister situation as it gets closer.

 

When planning that far out, other options and circumstances happen that you may never have thought of. For example, like I mentionned, maybe you will decide to stay in another state. Maybe you'll be with someone else. Maybe a house accross the street will become available. Maybe... heck! Maybe your sister will get married or something. Could happen.

 

I don't think you should let this ruin your relationship. I think the thought of one day being responsible for her is weighing heavily on you and holding you back from enjoying your own life. I don't think you should be putting your own life on hold for stuff that has not happened.

 

Just food for thought...

[blueidealist24]

Actually, I totally agree with this - before I read this post, it didn't click with me either that those things were SO far off.

[DN]

Well, they may be far off, but if this is going to be a dealbreaker between you then you do need to sort it out now. What would be the point of becoming more and more invested in this relationship knowing you are going to have to part because neither of you can or will agree? That time could have been spent by each of you healing and perhaps finding someone else.

[tiredofvampires]

I agree with RedDress completely. I don't think this either/or decision has to be made now, and the reason it's different than planning some other issue as a couple, such as having children, is because a lot of things in your circumstances and life could change between now and when the issue is of immediate concern.

 

For instance, once you're established in your career and your bf in his, you might be making enough jointly that you could afford to buy a modest place together, and rent out your bf's house, to help with the mortgage. And who knows what the housing market will be years or decades from now anyway.

 

If it's just coming down to valuing not having to pay a mortgage on a house (that you both could afford) more than valuing preserving the relationship, that's a strange set of priorities in my world.

 

But I do understand why you wouldn't want to sell the family house, and certainly would understand your not wanting to put your sister in a home, if her care has not become unmanageable. Usually, as long as a family can keep a loved one at home, I am in favor of that.

 

I can certainly understand though why your bf wouldn't want that intrusive element for the rest of his foreseeable life and why you wouldn't want to live in his house and become a target for his family.

 

I just don't think it'll have to come to that either/or, and you should see how the game plays out.

 

I also don't believe that if you're compatible in every other way, and this practicality is the only difference you have now, with the future of it depending on your resources as the years go on, you should be living in the future with this relationship. All relationships have the chance of ending over something, and that's a bridge you can cross when you get to it, but I don't think that outcome or this choice is inevitable as presented here.

 

I don't think breaking something that isn't broken because at some point it could break is the way to go.