Shocked & Disgusted at Boyfriend's Past: Is This Unfair?

[Lolligirl]

OK. When I met my boyfriend almost two years ago, he led me to believe he was this poor, innocent sap and women just didn't like him. I believe his exact quote was "I'm not a manwhore at ALL. Women don't like me, and sometimes this bothers girls. I hope it doesn't bother you." When I asked him how many women he'd been with, he said five...which later turned into fifteen, as I conducted my own investigations (because I KNEW he was lying), and had to pull the truth out of him one by one like pulling teeth. And still I believe there are more.

 

The lie about his number of sex partners was what originally brought on the conflict as I discovered the truth one by one via old posts on his Facebook. Well, he admitted to a whole pack of lies adn gave me the password to his Facebook as a token of trust.

 

Big mistake.

 

People, when I tell you this man was the horniest, most pathetic, most desperate man on earth, even THAT would be an understatment. He had hundreds of female 'friends,' and was hitting on and sending dirty messages to almost ALL of them. I'd expected it to be bad, but not THIS bad. He attempted to sleep with everyone, didn't matter what size, what shape, what attractiveness level...he was after EVERYONE.

 

Turned out almost everything (about his sexual history) he told me was a lie. He was 27 at the time and had never had a serious relationship, the most serious being with his best friend's baby momma, whom he had had an unofficial hookup relationship for two years. Not exactly solid. Turns out that women would sleep with him, but wouldn't get involved because he is VERY unstable and VERY clingy.

 

I found old e-mail chats between him and otherwomen with him telling them teh same lies he told me: how much he loved corny chick flicks ("I'm a hopeless romantic,"), how awful his best friend was for being a man ***** (even though he was pretty much the same), and how much better he would treat them. He had his little schtick DOWN. This man was DESPERATE, and it seemed all of his time and energy went to hitting on and obsessing over women.

 

He has told me almost nothing but lies about his dating history, even now (where he'll lie about anything he thinks will piss me off even though he doesn't realize I often know the truth through old e-mails and such). I feel like I can't take anything he says seriously.

 

He has given up all of his friends, his band, his old life to be with me. Unhealthy, I know. Still, even though we spend almost all of our time together, and we are having our first child (oops), I'm torn between feelings of love and shame. I fell in love with him thinking he was someone different, adn now I know the truth: his instability, his lies, his desperation.

 

People, I can't help but feel disgust and loathing every time I look at this man. I'm ashamed to be with him: I feel like I could be absolutely anybody, that I was simply "the one who said yes," that out of the hundreds of women this man attempted to bag, I was the only fish who bit. There is nothing special about us. His past behavior is an embarrassment to me, and even though it IS the past and had nothing to do with me, I still can't help but think he's a pathetic, lying piece of **** loser whom I THOUGHT I was buying at Saks Fifth Avenue, so to speak, but was actually a K-Mart special 99% off.

 

What do I do? I know the past is the past, but is this too extreme to live with? Are my suspicions that I am merely a void-filler in the heart of a very lonely, insecure man correct? Is the past really the past, or is his lying and embarrassing history a red flag that I should move on to someone with, I don't know, actual STANDARDS and self-respect?

 

Please help, I've been torturing myself with this for almost two years now!

[pl3asehelp]

Not something I could do.

[Lolligirl]

I should also add that up until recently, when his hard drive crashed, he had been looking up old crushes, lays, and flings on Facebook and then DENYING it, even though the search bar at he top is a clear record of one's recent search history (type in a letter and it will bring up the most recent people you've communicated with or looked at).

 

Not only does there seem to be a void in this man's heart a mile wide, he's fixated on the past and, to add insult to injury, has the audacity to LIE about it. It just gets better and better, doesn't it?

[Lolligirl]

Pl3asehelp: What couldn't you do? Date him?

[Seraphim]

I would get out of there based on his lying.

[marona]

If he was honest about his past, sure you should give him a chance and your feelings would be a tad unfair.

But as you can see, he is a liar, and if he really loved you, he wouldn't lie to you. Pack your bags, it was his choice to give up his life, and it was his choice to lie.

Now it's your choice if you want to be "that one woman who said yes, and can't say no" or if you want to be that woman who has a backbone to get out when you can see it is NO good for you.

 

Good luck, if you have been torturing yourself for two years, isn't that sign enough that he doesn't make you happy? A liar is a liar.

[happpybear]

ya i don't even know why you are asking if you should stay with him.

 

You leave, that is the correct answer.

[Lolligirl]

Some people I've spoken to think that it's understandable for him to lie because he knows I'd "freak out..."

[Liraele]

I can understand your feelings... but what I don't understand is why do you stay??

 

Baby or no baby. And why on Earth did you let this man knock you up?

 

I would break it off with him... lying is a big ol' pet peeve of mine anyway... and get some counseling, because continued involvement in this capacity (and getting pregnant) with someone you feel this way about has probably left you with some emotional scarring that you would do well to get professional help in healing.

[Lolligirl]

...which, of course, was not the case at all in the beginning of the relationship, since we hardly knew each other and were starting on fresh ground. Still, he chose to lie.

[Seraphim]

Some people I've spoken to think that it's understandable for him to lie because he knows I'd "freak out..."

 

No, it is not understandable for him to lie. He just wanted to snow you.

[ZhaoZilong5]

I'll play devil's advocate. Regardless of whether or not he lied, it wouldn't have worked out anyway. OP clearly saw him as desperate and pathetic based on his past. If he had actually changed "for the better," then he probably lied because he knew he'd be unfairly judged. Unfairly because if he's STD-free, then who he was probably isn't who he is now.

 

However, that's the initial lie. Him lying to you about looking up old flings while being with you is a deal breaker to me after an unsatisfactory discussion. The irony here is that he gave you his FB info as a sign of trust, but what you found made you even more disgusted.

 

I'm not justifying his actions, but out of curiosity, had you known about his past, would you really have accepted him for who he is and not who he was? It seems like you're more upset about his past than him lying to you.

[OptomisticGirl]

I would never be with someone who lied about their sexual history (to tht degree). It's nt even about trust for me but respect. I personally would never have dated a man with a high partner number (sex for me is something I only do when in love and I looked for a partner with that same out look) so for me it would feel like he tricked me into being wih him and I'd be out the door.

[Lolligirl]

That's exactly it, Optimistic Girl. I feel that he tricked me into being with him. Still, I think everyone deserves a new beginning regardless of whether they've been with 1 or 100 people, although when it comes to the latter, I doubt I would choose to be a part of it.

 

Zhao: That's a good question. You're right--I probably wouldn't have accepted him either way, would still think his past was gross, but since the problem would have been mine, if I'd decided to stick it out I would feel right about it. Now with his lying, I'm not so sure.

[SoulSilver]

I know exactly how it feels . when you just lose all the respect you had for someone in a second . like all their values were a big bluff they said just to look good in your eyes ...

[abitbroken]

If you choose to overlook his lie that is one thing, but how can you overlook how he recently looked up old crushes and lays and the dirty communication that is on going? This guy is a pervert and a loser and you need to get far away from him. If he lies "because you'd freak out" he will keep everything and anything from you in the future - not just sex.

[Lolligirl]

Exactly. It's a horrible feeling, especially when you love the hell out of them for whatever reason (perhaps, in part, for who you thought they were), only to find out they're actually a piece of crap.

 

It sucks to be torn.

[PlayingAces]

You should feel ashamed. Get rid of this fool ASAP. You deserve so much better.

[Lolligirl]

A Bit Broken: Well, I'm not sure there was any actual communication going on on Facebook (I monitor that pretty closely, sadly), and I too have been guilty of (very) occasionally looking up an ex, but his search page was filled with tens of old crushes/lays/flings (which did not go away, as though he kept them current in the search bar by checking their pages regularly).

[HeartGoesOn]

Some people I've spoken to think that it's understandable for him to lie because he knows I'd "freak out..."

 

So, he could murder someone, but these very same people would understand because they know it would freak you out... In addition to that, the one person I feel bad for is this yet to be born baby.

[camus154]

I don't understand these posts where people start off talking about how disgusted they are with their partner for very understandable reasons, but then seem to argue against advice to split up.

 

You need to make a decision and stick with it.

[SapphireNoir10]

It may be worth forgiving his past for the sake of your future with a child together

 

But, the only other option is leaving him if you can't deal with it.

 

They are the only choices.

[iamkaylee]

Yup, for me, boom, done, gone. End of story.

 

His past is one thing IF it's the past. It's obviousy not since he's been recently trying to catch back up with his old flings. Lying to me, even by omission over something like this big, no. I don't do it. I lose instant respect for someone and once gone, for me, it's gone. I don't do liars. I can maybe forgive it but I don't forget it. That alone will destroy any chance of repairing the relationship and I know it.

[East4]

I guess your first priority right now is your baby. It is much easier to raise a child with a father than as a single mother.

I would suggest you drop this issue about your boyfriend's past and quit reading through old e-mails and FB, you are only poisoning your mind and giving stress to the baby. Just put aside this issue and focus on what is the priority now. Once the baby is born and growing well, then you can revisit your feelings for your boyfriend and if you decide, dump him.

 

Not now.

 

Based on what you have written in your post, i understand he supports you during your pregnancy and is in general helpful. He is not cheating at this moment. So, as much as it is hard for you, and I can totally understand, put off the issue until the baby is born. It is never late to dump a man, but you better think twice because he happens to be your baby's father.

 

Take care, girl.

[Minx2012]

It's not so much that he slept with a lot of women ( as people CAN do that when they are single ).....but it's the fact that he lied to you and that he's a clingy, desperate, pathetic man ( your own words ). I don't think I can ever go out with a clingy liar. It is a HUGE turn off. You are in a terrible predicament bc you are disgusted by a man whose child you are carrying. Let's just hope that this feeling of intense disgust and loathing is coming from the pregnancy hormones and that you two can work something out like adults. But, if this is REALLY how you feel....wouldn't it be better to raise the child alone by yourself than be with a man who you are ashamed for to be a dad around your child? What type of influence would that be on the kid?