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Life On The Rocinante' (After Dark!)


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I hope he has supermodel looks.


Cynder, my dad's cousin treated his wife that way. He whined so long about her fat body, then she lost a lot of weight and he told her how gross she looked with all the loose skin. Finally she got rid of that man. She still grieved over her loss, but I think it was probably the loss of the family unit she missed more than him.


Uh no... Adam is definitely not a supermodel. He's attractive to me. But I have a really different idea of what makes a person attractive. To me, as far as looks go, the most attractive thing about a person is character. Cookie cutter looks don't do it for me at all. I want someone unique looking. Unfortunately I got a unique looking man who doesn't share that opinion.


Adam looks a lot like Rob Zombie...


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He was in a band when we met and when he was all dressed up to go on stage I thought he was so hot.


I was a size 14 when I met him. He claimed to love curvy women... And at first it seemed like he did, until I moved in with him. Then he started making comments about how I looked. And he would always say he was just kidding, but continue making the comments.


The day after we got married he said he thought my hair could have looked a lot better on our wedding day. That really pissed me off... After spending all this time making myself look as beautiful as I possibly could for our wedding, it still wasn't good enough for him. I should have just seen that as an omen.

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The photo of that man actually frightens me, Cynder. In a movie I would like him but in real life I'd cry and run away. lol


Lol... Adam is a scary looking guy to a lot of people. When I was first dating him he would come over to pick me up and have to park a little ways down the street because the place I lived didn't have a driveway. And one of my neighbor's asked me once "Who was that guy that came up to your door last night?" I told her it was my boyfriend. And she said the night before when she saw him walking up the street she almost called her kids inside. She said she watched him the whole time to make sure he didn't go near her kids. They were playing outside. And she was like "Sorry, he just looks like a child molester." I thought that was kind of funny, considering child molesters look like everyone else from what I've seen. There is no "look" of a child molester. They come from all walks of life.

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So... today I got home from work and took a nap. I needed to rest since I was out really late last night. When I got up from my nap I was surprised that Adam was here. Normally he would be at work now. He must not have been needed tonight. I was going to make a pot of coffee because I'm anticipating a late night tonight too. I took the coffee pot and dumped what was in it out into the sink to make more. Adam flipped out on me. He said he was still drinking it and got all pissed. I told him to relax, I'm making another pot. He was like "Yea, but that's not the point!"


Ok... go ahead Adam, make it less possible for me to feel any guilt over what I'm about to do tonight. (Aaron invited me over...)


So... tonight should be interesting. I won't even give any more thought to my jerk of a husband.

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So, I had a good time last night.


I went over there and hung out for a while watching B-Rated horror movies. We were watching these bad movies and making all kinds of sarcastic comments back and forth.


Then his roommate came home with his two kids. He left to go see his girlfriend and so Aaron and I ended up baby sitting for a couple hours. That was fine though, Jeremiah's kids are well behaved.


So then, kids went to bed, Jeremiah came home, and Aaron and I decided to walk up to the tavern and have a few drinks. There were a whole bunch of people there that we knew. We ended up staying until the bar closed. Then we went back to his place and were hanging out there and he was complaining about how Jeremiah and his girlfriend always just expect him to watch the kids.


Well, I think he was just assuming that Jer was in the bedroom asleep. Well, he was in the bedroom but he wasn't asleep. So here comes Jeremiah out of the bedroom and him and Aaron start arguing back and forth. Jeremiah was like "You live in my house for free and you're complaining because I ask you to watch my kids! What the hell?" And Aaron came back with something like "Well that's the problem, you never ask me, you just expect it." I felt really awkward being in the middle of this. They sounded like a married couple fighting.


Jeremiah went back in the bedroom and Aaron and I just kept bsing on the couch. We made out for a while and then were just sitting there all cuddled up watching a movie. Eventually we both fell asleep. I didn't even see how the movie we were watching ended. We both woke up a couple hours later and he went and used the bathroom. When he came and laid down on the couch again we kinda spooned for a while and fell back asleep.


I finally ended up walking home at around 8am this morning. It was foggy and freezing out. I shivered and my teeth chattered the whole way there. It was so cold when I got home that I laid down and couldn't get warm. I found myself wishing I was still spooning on his couch instead of in my cold apartment.


He smacks his lips in his sleep. I thought that was adorable.


The Halloween party I went to Friday night was amazing. It was so fun. My only complaint is that people kept asking me what I was supposed to be. I thought it was obvious... I dressed up as a pot Fairy. I didn't want to go overboard with the pot leaves because I didn't want it to be too obvious. But it clearly wasn't obvious enough. I had pot leaves around my wrists, around my ankles, in my hair, etc.


It was a helluva good time though. It felt good to just dance.


My Mom is going to her first AA meeting tonight. She got in a fight with two women last night at the bar and got herself kicked out. I guess she had an epiphany and decided to get help quitting drinking. She has tried to quit on her own so many times and always falls back into it.


I passed out candy to the neighborhood kids tonight. When I was little my Mom put so much time and effort into making our costumes. When we went out trick or treating we got all dressed up. A lot of the kids I saw tonight were barely dressed up at all. I saw a few little girls with just Witch hats on. There were a lot of kids not even dressed up at all. It's kind of sad really.

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I'm tired of making enemies just by being me. Today someone I work with who I've always gotten along great with went off on me because they don't agree with my religious views. Even though I was not even the one to start the conversation I was the one who got in trouble at work for it. So, that's one more strike against me at work, and one more friendly co worker who is no longer friendly.


I have tried so hard to figure out over the years what is so wrong with me that I can't get along with most people. I'm clueless, I really am.


I thought for a long time that I might be a Narcissist. But the more digging I did, the more I realized I'm not one. For one, a narcissist probably wouldn't be putting themself under the microscope to determine what their problem is. In the mind of a narcissist, they are awesome it's everyone else that is screwed up. I've also considered that maybe I'm a Psychopath. But Psychopaths are superficially charming, that sure as hell isn't me, lol. I haven't entirely ruled out the possibility that I'm a Sociopath though. Sociopaths are not charming people, they appear disturbed right off the bat to others, but lack the common sense to see why.


I don't talk much. This bothers people a lot. I go long enough without talking and they start to wonder if I'm stuck up. Then I start talking and they don't like what I have to say. I've found myself in this situation so many times. This happens a lot at jobs...


When I worked at the dry cleaners I sealed my doom my first day there when someone asked me what the green stuff was in my water bottle. It was hemp. But in the interest of protecting myself I told them it was wheatgrass. (Heh... guess I am a liar after all.) I said it was wheatgrass because I didn't want anyone to freak pout and think I was getting high off hemp at work. No one has ever gotten high off hemp, but most people are too ignorant to know that. They just think hemp = marijuana = illegal = bad. Hemp that you buy at the health food store is completely legal and THC free. But, to avoid all that, I said it was wheatgrass. Then it was "Oh, little miss tree hugging hippie drink wheatgrass, hahaha! What a weirdo!!!" That was something everyone made fun of.


When I worked at the t-shirt shop I got myself outcasted because my third day there I was heard on my cell phone in the break room talking about getting tickets to see RUSH. The 26 year old who heard me was like "You listen to RUSH? Isn't that like old people music?" Then he found out I go to Horror conventions regularly and that was about it for me there.


Are the things I'm interested in really that bad?


Ok... Let's start with the big three. I'm Pagan, I'm Bisexual, and I'm physically limited in what I can do. That's the unholy trinity right there. But those are the things about me that most people don't even know. I've probably had more people treat me bad because of my physical defects then anything else. I don't want to be pitied or patronized. I don't want you to do things for me that I can do myself. But I really don't want you to assume my condition is any worse than what it actually is. Educate yourself...


Paganism isn't too likable a trait in someone either... at least not where I live now. I don't sacrifice animals and dance around naked on the full moon. I don't injure myself, have orgies, or drink blood. But none of that matters. It doesn't matter how good or bad a person I am. People are going to think what they think and they are going to bend whatever I do into their way of thinking. Selective processing and self fulfilling prophecies have a lot to do with this.


Bisexuality is one that most people don't know how to take... My family is disgusted by it. And outside my family and my close circle of friends, it's not that widely known. People who do find out though are always put off and they always reluctantly accept it. Like, "Oh, I'm ok with this because I have to be." kinda thing.


I listen to Norwegian Black Metal... But I also listen to every other kind of music you could think of. I like underground horror, obscure cult films, indie Documentaries, I listen to controversial podcasts. I know how aspartame is made and I'm disgusted by it and go out of my way to avoid consuming it. I refuse to get a flu shot. I don't want children. I travel alone. I don't give a crap about what's in style. I dye my hair weird colors. (right now it's dreaded.) I wear almost exclusively black clothing. I have a strange sense of humor. I laugh to myself sometimes if I think of something funny. I meditate to the point of having visions, then I write the visions down and sometimes I paint them. I rarely watch TV. I ate an almost all raw diet for a year or so... These are other things that set me apart from others. But none of those things are truly unique on their own. They are unique when you group them all together and graft them onto one person. Very few people can tell you what really makes them unique... I know this... If I ever find another Bisexual ambidextrous acousticophile wolf biting synesthete with no sense of smell and tunnel vision who does any of the things on the above list... then I'll have to find another thing that makes me unique. So far I think I got a pretty good handle on it.


My determination is something that makes people uncomfortable too... I can't figure that one out. I'm making a Documentary... when people find out about that they think it's strange. I get asked things like "A real Documentary?" I just want to smile and be like "No, a fake Documentary." I get a lot of people who think I'm just some poser who's pretending to make a film but has no clue what they are doing.


And that's another thing... my sarcasm. I try to keep it at bay. I really try. Some days it's quite a struggle.


I'm brutally honest too... people hate that. No one wants to hear the things that no one else has the guts to say. Being honest doesn't win you friends. Being fake does.


Idk... I see myself as a free and empowered person. I want to make films, so I find a way to make them. I want to travel, so I find ways to do it, even if it involves working multiple jobs. I want to be recognized as an artist, so I enter my work in shows no matter how may times I get rejected. I have two paintings up in a gallery right now. This quality to me is fantastic. I think the world would be a better place if we all had this kind of determination. I don't understand why it bothers people. They tell me I don't have my priorities straight... I need to think about what's truly important. Well, these are things I want, so that makes them truly important in my eyes. Life is what you make it right?


So... what's the problem? I've no clue. Maybe I'll realize it the moment I'm about to die.

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I posted this same thing in an Occult forum I'm a regular on... Someone responded with this:


Do not be a scaffold. Be a light

Some will prefer to close their blinds, others will want to look at it.


This made me feel good.


If anyone here is confused about the scaffold thing... Over there I had two fo my favorite quotes down at the bottom of the post. "All I do now must be done in a sacred manner, because I am what I've been waiting for." and "It's not my job to be the scaffold for those around me who are falling."

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I highly doubt you're a sociopath. You're just a bit different and not entirely too afraid to show it. I really admire that actually. I don't think you get along with people that badly either. I read about how you chatted with all kinds of people in Europe. It sounded like a great time. I'm jealous because if I visited another country it would be just the same as here, I would just go about unnoticed and talking to nobody.

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I highly doubt you're a sociopath. You're just a bit different and not entirely too afraid to show it. I really admire that actually. I don't think you get along with people that badly either. I read about how you chatted with all kinds of people in Europe. It sounded like a great time. I'm jealous because if I visited another country it would be just the same as here, I would just go about unnoticed and talking to nobody.


I felt more in my element over there. People didn't seem as judgmental. I didn't feel as threatened or intimidated in the presence of people who are similar.


Like... over here most people aren't familiar with the music I listen to. A lot of the people I met over there knew exactly what bands I was talking about... A good song would come on and they all knew it. I didn't have to explain to everyone that this is such and such band from Scandinavia, etc.


I didn't mention in my above post that I Poi Dance. I haven't been doing it long, only a couple months. But over here no one knows what that is. And so the fact that I do it makes me weird. Over there, one of the first people I met was a Poi dancer.


When I was in Europe the things that set me so far apart from everyone here didn't set me apart. So, for the first time in my life I didn't feel like an outcast. And it's a lot easier to open up and talk when you don't feel so alone.


Just an FYI... this is Poi Dancing. Most people in the states aren't familiar.


[video=youtube;hZ5UXFRWGeQ] ]

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Just curious. I know that cities tend to have more opportunity for alt people to get together and form community, and was just wondering where you were based.


Yea... there are a few alt people in my town and I know them all. Most of them leave town... like I want to.


I founded and ran a Pagan group here in this town for years. But it fizzled out. A lot of people had problems with me because I refused to step into that "High Priestess" kind of role and they wanted a coven. True, most of them were Wiccans, but I am not and I didn't start this group because I wanted to be a Coven High Priestess. I started it because I thought like minded people might like getting together.


I used to spend a lot of time in Goth/Metal clubs in Cleveland... But a lot of my friends are married and have kids now and have gotten out of that. I haven't gotten out of it by choice, I have by default. I can't drive myself to these places and it's too far to take a taxi, so I don't go clubbing anymore.


I hang out with a pretty large group of Hippies here. I love my Hippies... They are the best people ever. I guess to the outsider eye I am not one of them. But they don't care and neither do I. If they thought I wasn't good enough for them, then that would go against the whole hippie ideology. What's funny though is my Alt/Goth friends all make fun of me for hanging out with them. They tell me it's so against everything I stand for. I'm a Metal CHick... I shouldn't be hanging out with Hippies.


That to me is ridiculous... I don't label myself as a Goth, Metal Chick, Alt, Hippie, or anything. I label myself as Cynder.

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I hope I make you half as giddy as you've been making me lately... I've been thinking about you all day. I want to see you so bad right now. Oh my Gods... it's been so long since I felt this way about anyone... if ever at all.


I know you aren't going to read this... But I needed to write it down to release it.

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I have this weekend off... On my weekends off I never get much rest. This one hasn't been any different.


Aaron texted me yesterday at around 2:30 when I was getting off work. He invited me over last night. So I came home, took a nap, and then got ready and went down there.


We walked down to this new bar that just opened up here. It's a country bar, and I've never been to a place like that before, so this was a new thing for me. It was more nostalgic for him, he grew up in Texas. We had a good time there. He talked me into getting up on the mechanical bull. I wasn't very good at it, but getting thrown off was half the fun, lol. I rode it twice.


There were some girls I know there who pulled me out on the dance floor. I was actually really surprised that he got out there with me. We slow danced to one song and I haven't slow danced with anyone since I was in high school. I loved dancing with him... He held me nice and tight, he's pretty good at it.


I had some creepy guy trying to pick me up. Even after I told him I was there with another guy, he just kept persisting.


Chris and Jeremy showed up a little later on and we all went back to Aaron's house. The two of them fell asleep not too long after we got there and Aaron and I sat up talking all night like we always do. I really wish I didn't feel like this whole thing is in limbo... I wish I knew how he felt about me. I don't have the metaphorical balls to ask him. I'm trying to figure it out through his actions, but they are confusing sometimes. I'm just afraid I'm going to screw it up with him somehow.


Even now... I had a good time with him last night... but I'm sitting here thinking of all the things I did and said and wondering if I made an ass of myself at any point. It's making me feel a little depressed, actually.


When he talks about his childhood to me... I had a lot of similar things happen to me as a kid. And he will tell one story, then I tell a similar story. To me, this is just how I relate to others. But to him, that might make me look self centered.

I shouldn't feel this need to analyze the hell out of everything.

I texted him to let him know I got home ok. He didn't text back which I suppose to most people isn't a big deal. But here I am wondering what I did wrong that he didn't text me back. I hate that. I shouldn't feel this need to analyze the hell out of everything. I just wish I could sit back and enjoy the crush.


He invited me out on my birthday. He keeps wanting to see me again... so I must be doing something right. My heart tells me one thing, my head tells me something else. Idk...


Aimee is leaving town on Monday. She's going down to Cinci. She offered to give me her TV in exchange for me buying her bus ticket. It seems like a good deal to me. She has a nice TV, it's worth it for a $45 bus ticket. As much as I will miss her part of me is relieved she's moving away.


Lately she is getting to be too much to handle. She's becoming dependent on me.


Today I've been vegging on my couch watching true crime documentaries. Tomorrow I am filming a Samhain ritual. My Documentary is back on...


I had my phone off for a lot of the night last night because it wasn't all the way charged. I wanted to keep it off to save the battery incase I really needed it. When I came home I slept for a couple hours, then I got up and turned my phone on. There were all these voicemails and texts from people I know telling me about my friend Jeff.


Jeff has been my friend for 7 years. He dated my other good friend Eric. He's been a part of my circle for a long time. He got busted for child porn and for touching kids in his neighborhood. I just felt sick when I found that out. I cried for a while. It just blows my mind.

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Ok... in that last post I wrote about Aaron not texting me back... I swear, like 2 seconds after I posted that, he texted me.


Whenever I get like this about him, it's almost like he can sense it and he immediately does something to make it better. Idk... stranger things have happened.


He invited me over again tonight. I want to go but man I'm so tired... I just won't stay all night tonight.

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I went back to the country bar last night with Aaron and his whole possy. Man, those guys are so fun to hang out with.


I'm not ito labels so much, but I can't ignore the humor of a bunch of hippies at a country bar. He was rocking it on the dancefloor last night in patchy pants and a Grateful Dead shirt.


Speaking of the Grateful Dead... I didn't know they had a drink named after them. It's a good drink too, he got us a couple.


And the Grateful Deads I drank had an affect on me that maybe they shouldn't have. We went to his place after the bar closed for a little while. I couldn't stay too long because I needed to get some sleep last night. He knew I was filming today so he understood. But, as I was leaving I said some things I wish I wouldn't have.


I told him I've been thinking about him a lot lately. He asked me why. I said because he intrigues me. He told me he's been thinking about me too and when he was in Nashville he really missed me a lot. He said one night down there he even borrowed someone else's phone to text me but the signal was so bad that the text wouldn't send.


I told him I really do like him and I straight out asked him if he like me too. He told me he does, but he doesn't want a relationship right now. And thats fine, because that's not what I want either and I told him that. I said I just think he's someone I could have a good time with. There doesn't need to be the label of a relationship. And he was like "SO you won't get mad if I make out with another chick in front of you huh?" He was joking when he said that but I jumped right on it and told him no I won't get mad but I might try to join in.


So... I told him how I feel, I found out how he feels. It seems like the whole conversation went pretty well. So I don't understand why I feel so awful now. I do... I woke up this morning and just kept playing that over in my head again and thinking what a stupid moron I must have sounded like. It seems like we both want the same thing. But I hate myself for saying it. I hate the fact that I had to get piss drunk to work up the courage to tell him. I just hate that I opened my damn mouth at all. I'm making myself cry just writing about it.


I texted him this morning and apologized even. I said I was sorry for being like that and sometimes when I'm drunk I say things that are better kept to myself. He hasn't texted me back yet, but he's probably still asleep. I saw a bunch of posts from him on facebook this morning, and they were all posted really late last night/early this morning. So he was up all night.


It will be interesting to see how he responds. He was pretty lit himself when this whole conversation happened, so he might not even remember. I wish I didn't remember, honestly.


Sometimes I wonder if my reactions are just reversed to things. Insults bounce right off me like it's nothing. But someone compliments me and I feel bad for some reason. I feel like they didn't really mean it, they are just saying that to be polite... they have some other nasty motive in mind... they are just trying to get on my good side so they can use me, etc.


When I was a kid people didn't say nice things to me much. So I don't think I ever learned how to react when people say them now. I was insulted a lot as a kid, so I've had years and years of practice dealing with that.


So, that could have something to do with all this I suppose. He told me he likes me, but I am processing it as if he said he hated me. Idk... I just know I feel bad right now and hopefully going to the Temple today will make me feel better.

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Give him time to process.


Yea... I know. Realistically though, he may not have even gotten my text. He has a tracphone and I know his minutes were getting low. Don't know for sure though.




The shoot yesterday could have gone a lot better. I asked Dusty if the battery charger was in the case, he said it was. My dumb ass trusted him. Then I get all the way up to Cleveland, and no battery charger. The battery in the camera was dead too. So I had to use the AC adapter and plug into the wall. That really restricted my movement while filming. Not to mention the AC adapter made the camera act kind of funny.


Then the damn LCD screen quit working on me so I had to film looking through the viewfinder which I hate doing. I texted Dusty right away to let him know the LcD quit. He didn't answer me.


Then when I was filming, the guy next to me had a little girl who was being really loud and she kept standing right in front of the camera. I had to keep asking her to step back. She would step back, but then walk right in front of me again. I couldn't really move myself and shoot around her because I was tethered by this short adapter chord.


But I made it work. I got enough footage to work with. A big part of Documentary filming is learning to improvise. Things don't always go the way you want them to.

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My Mom's divorce was final yesterday. She wasn't handling it well at all. She was the one who filed but I think it was a lot harder for her then she thought it would be.


My step dad was so mentally abusive... to my brother and I especially. My sister and my other brother could do no wrong, but Chris and I couldn't do anything right. Now that she's divorced from him it's like we went through all that crap for nothing.


I missed out on a lot as a teenager because of him. I wasn't allowed to do the things that most teenagers do. I never had friends over, never went out, etc. When I went to my senior prom I had an 11:00 curfew. He told me I should be thankful I'm even going at all.


He made me burn all my Rolling Stone magazines. I collected them for years. I had some pretty important issues. They were in cardboard boxes under my bed. He said they were taking up too much space. So he made me carry them down to the fire pit and light the fire.


He was the reason I was kicked out of the house, actually. My Mom threw me out so they could be a happy family. Chris was too young then to kick out, otherwise he would have been thrown out with me.




Tickets for the next season of overnights at the reformatory are on sale now. Aaron keeps saying he wants to go with me. It's kind of up in the air right now though, we're talking about something all the way in March. I knew how bad he wanted to go, but I didn't want to bring it up because it's so far away. This past weekend he brought it up.


B sent me a friend request on facebook. I don't know his motive in doing this. I accepted it, but I will be proceeding with caution.


Aimee has decided she's waiting another week to leave town. She kept bugging me to come down to the bar last night. She said she was drinking coffee and she kept saying she wanted a beer. Hello... I know she was only wanted me to come down there so I could buy her some. As much as I like her, this is why I am relieved that she's leaving. I'm sick of her constantly asking me for stuff.


Truth is I don't think she ever planned on leaving. I think she just told everyone she was to see how much we would all miss her.

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Last night Eric called me and told me he got a letter from Jeff. The letter was sent from the Jail up in Youngstown. I guess Jeff's attorney was trying to track me down, but couldn't find me. The letter said I was "untraceable."


So, I guess it's kinda cool knowing that. Don't want the wrong people finding me.


I may write to him, I may not. I am still coming to terms with the fact that I was friends for so long with a pedophile. And all the times he judged me... He judged me for smoking weed mostly. Now I look back on that and think how ironic... I'm a bad person for smoking weed but all along he was jacking off to pictures of little kids!


In his letter to Eric he states that he never molested any kids. But the prosecutor claims he molested several boys over the last 30 years.


His boyfriend Ryan is in jail too. I didn't know that until Eric told me.




I still haven't talked to Aaron. I'm pretty sure he's out of minutes on his phone, and I haven't seen him online.


I really hope he's not upset with me... If he is then I really don't know what to think. He was acting like he was all into me for how long now? Then I tell him I'm into him too and I feel like it was a mistake... If he is that put off by me saying it then he obviously has some stuff to work through. (Not saying I don't of course... I'm far from perfect.) I just don't understand how he could do a complete 18 like this.


That's of course if it even is that. We haven't talked... but we also haven't really had the opportunity too. Idk...


He did invite me out on my birthday. We'll see what happens.

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So much loneliness in the air right now... Still haven't heard from Aaron. Never heard back from Chris either when I texted earlier. I wrote Monica a message last night and she never replied.


Aimee has a new boyfriend now and has decided to not leave town. But has no time for me anymore I guess. I texted earlier asking how it went yesterday... no reply.


Texted Paula and asked if she still wanted her hair colored... no reply.


And... icing on the cake... one of my best friends from high school joined facebook. I sent her a friend request, which she excepted. But I tried to talk to her just now and she never even replied to my IM.


I guess everyone picked a good time to ignore me... my birthday is this weekend. Am I going to spend it alone? Maybe... who the hell knows.

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