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Life On The Rocinante' (After Dark!)


Cynder

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People really are disappointing, aren't they?

 

Yea... they are.

 

Every year on Aimee's birthday she starts talking about it like a month before. And it's always the same thing. Her and I go bar hopping, she gets absolutely annihilated, and I pay for everything. I tried to get her to go out with me on my birthday and she doesn't want to. She has two boyfriends right now that she's juggling apparently, and they don't know about each other.

 

Then Aaron invites me over... which is fine. I would rather hang out with him anyway. There is something I've been wanting to do for a long... long time that my friend Chris was going to try to make happen for me this weekend while we were all at Aaron's place. Now Aaron isn't talking to me and neither is Chris. What the hell did I do?

 

I really hope this isn't because Chris and Paula saw Jeremy give me a hug the other night... Jeremy was upset because of this whole custody thing he has going right now with his ex wife. He was talking to me about it and he actually started to cry. I mean literally cry. He thanked me for listening and gave me a hug. Well then Chris and Paula walk around the corner.

 

Now I feel all paranoid... like what if they think something else was going on or something?

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I called him, left a voicemail... texted him, messaged him on facebook, etc. He got my hopes all up about this one thing and now it doesn't look like its happening.I did hear from Jeremiah though (aka Aaron's roommate) he asked me if I was still coming over tomorrow night because he has something for me. So I guess the invite still stands.

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Strange his roommate is inviting you. HE should do that. I don't believe I would go, Cynder. That is your Birthday, right? I'd probably just hang with family. I just don't think I could handle a big disappointment on a Birthday. What if Aaron isn't even there?

 

Maybe let things cool off awhile until he contacts you again. But of course that is just what I would do.

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Strange his roommate is inviting you. HE should do that. I don't believe I would go, Cynder. That is your Birthday, right? I'd probably just hang with family. I just don't think I could handle a big disappointment on a Birthday. What if Aaron isn't even there?

 

Maybe let things cool off awhile until he contacts you again. But of course that is just what I would do.

 

Well, Aaron was the one who invited me first. Jeremiah just asked me if I was still coming.

 

But, there have been some new developments here.

 

About an hour ago I sent Aimee a text... Then to all my horror I realized it wasn't Aimee I texted at all. I texted Aaron. It really was an honest mistake... their names are right next to each other in my contacts.

 

He answered me though. He asked me if I was still coming over tomorrow night.

 

These ditzy ass moments I have sometimes rarely pay off. I guess this was one time where being a ditz helped me out.

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I just came home from hanging out over at Kevin's with Craig and Sharon and Misti.

 

I went into the bathroom and saw something truly amazing. My cat was using the toilet. She even looked up at me like "Do you mind... please get out." Oh my Gods... you know how much time and effort people put into training cats to do this? Mine is so smart she does it on her own. So awesome...

 

It's such a nice night out tonight, with the moon being so bright and everything. I decided to go out in my front yard and spin my poi for a little bit. This guy came walking down the street and stopped and watched me for a second. Then he asked me where I learned to do that. It was kinda cool... a random stranger just watching me do it. I've never done it for an audience.

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^Haha, Clever cat indeed!

 

Now this may make me a little sad (as in boring sad) but I have just sat and started reading your journal from the beginning. Oh lazy Saturday afternoons! 5:50pm here

I got to page 16... I have to get ready to go out now, but will call back and carry on reading later no doubt!

Up to now, seems like there's always spomething crazy going on in your life!

 

I see you mentioned your birthday this weekend... So happy birthday!!! Hope you have fun with it

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I'm 33 years old today... I can't really explain why I think 33 is such a good age. Most people wouldn't feel this good about turning 33. But for some odd reason, I do. 33 is a significant number in the Occult, especially in the ways of Alchemy.

 

I was talking with two friends of mine not too long ago. One of them is about to turn 30. She was saying she's not happy about it, because 30 is a milestone for a lot of people, and she feels like she hasn't accomplished enough in life. And my other friend said she felt that way at 25, because she was a quarter century old and did nothing yet. Then she was like "Wait till I turn 33, that will really suck. Because then I'll be a third a century old and haven't done anything with myself."

 

That's when I chimed in and said "Hey, I'm about to be 33 and I don't feel like I've done enough either."

 

And she said something that really made me look at my life differently. She said "Well yea, but you've been to Europe, you've made films, you've done all this cool stuff."

 

And as selfish as it may sound to admit it, she's right.

 

I have lived quite an interesting life.

 

I grew up around Bikers... teenage mom, biker dad. Then when they split up my strict baptist military step dad entered the picture and took away my childhood. I never got to be a teenager when I was one. I was expected to be an adult. My life revolved around school and chores. Never had friends over, never went out on dates, never did any of the fun things teenagers are supposed to do.

 

Forced at 17 into a relationship with an older, abusive man who tried to turn me into an extension of himself. I could only listen to his music. I could only wear clothes he approved of...etc.

 

Somehow through all this I managed to get a full ride scholarship to art school.

 

I was kicked out of my house... went to live with my ass of a boyfriend. He hated that I was in college and did everything he could to sabotage my education.

 

When I left my house I started to discover who I really was... despite the fact that he tried having more control over me then he ever did when I lived at home. I think I started rebelling against him instead of my parents, lol. He called himself a Christian despite never acting like one. In the time I lived with him I became and Agnostic. He hated my music, so I would play it nice and loud when he was at work and not bother turning it down when he came home.

 

Eventually I came back to my home town. Lived with my parents for a little while. Got a job at a local factory... dumped him and put up with a year of hell from him after. Had to get a no contact order and everything else. I moved in with friends to make it harder for him to find me. (I moved in with Mica and B...)

 

Through all this, I still maintained almost straight As. I look back now and really don't know how the hell I did it. Maybe I was more disciplined back then, idk. I don't think I could do it now. I worked in the factory, went to school, and babysat Mica and B's kids. That's quite a load.

 

I discovered this thing called Paganism... something that was a mystery and so intriguing to me. And I opened myself up and let it consume me. I joined a coven and everything. I told my family. My Mom wasn't happy, but accepted it. My step dad was infuriated. My great grandma disowned me.

 

My Dad died... My sisters and I planned his funeral. The responsibility went to us because we were his next of kin and over 18.

 

In my 20s I lived out all the wild angst I couldn't as a teenager. I spent a lot of my time in Goth clubs and metal clubs up in Cleveland, fawning over local musicians... one of which I married. Oh how I loved our little upstairs apartment with it's shag carpet and strange Gothic decor'.

 

I graduated college at 25... ready to take on the world. I made my first short films then. The best one being a short Documentary about a local tavern with a colorful history.

 

We started making films together when I was 28. We buddied up with another production company here in town and together we were practically unstoppable. That was the happiest my marriage has ever been. We woke up every morning and went to work, came home every night and worked on the current film. I loved every minute of it. I couldn't have been happier. Even when he quit his job, I thought we would be ok.

 

Then it all came crashing down when I found out about him and her...

 

Things have never been the same. We made two films together after that, but my heart just wasn't in it after that. HE got everyone on his side when he was cheating. So after that I always felt like I was in the way. He was the great director who everyone liked and thought was a genius. I was just his pain in the ass wife. His wife who runs the camera, coached the actors, does the hair and makeup, does all the editing, and works two jobs while he doesn't work at all. People thought I was a gold digger... trying to latch onto greatness early. I don't understand how anyone could think that, knowing that he didn't work and I worked two jobs.

 

He stopped making films... lost his momentum I guess. I refuse to stop. Film is my passion.

 

I dedicated myself to going to Europe. My friend Andrew planted this seed in my head and I refused to give up on it. This time last year I worked three jobs. One job paid the bills. The other two paychecks went to the travel fund.

 

Last September... I finally did it. I left the country after years of trying, and I never wanted to come back.

 

I just picked back up with my Documentary too. This film has been in the works for a year. I had to take a few months off due to technical issues. But they are resolved now.

 

So I guess the point to all this is that I will never lose my Momentum. I remember listening to Eminem once and a line from one of his songs really made me think. The line was something about the fire inside us burning out at 30. I was 28 at the time, and hearing that made me sad in a way. I wondered if he was really right. Does the fire really burn out at 30? I decided right then and there to never let my fire burn out.

 

Music has shaped so much of my existence. I don't know where I would be without it. I keep thinking about the first time I saw Journey live. I couldn't stop crying when they played Don't Stop. I was so moved by it. The song itself is powerful enough, but then add the energy of thousands of people all singing along in unison and it's almost explosive. I decided then that I would never stop believing.

 

I am legally blind in both eyes, yet I've made it as an Artist. I can't even drive a car, yet I left the country all by myself. I will never be told I can't do something.

 

"All we do now must be done in a sacred manner, because we are what we've been waiting for."

 

To everyone reading this, never let your fire burn out, and never stop believing.

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I still fail to understand why it always happens this way...

 

I feel completely on top of the world when I am with you. You make me feel good about myself... you accept me for who I am. You make me laugh. You're way of looking at the world is so radically different from so many other people I know. I feel like you really understand me when others don't. You don't care about my eyes being all screwed up or that I'm not that good looking. You make me feel like a rock star.

 

So why can't I hold onto that feeling when I'm not around you. As soon as you are gone I feel like an ass for everything I did and didn't do in your presence. I spend the whole next day cursing myself for being such an idiot... I think things like "Oh my Gods... I can't believe I did that/said that/acted that way. I tell myself how stupid you must think I am.

 

You have no problem kissing me, touching me, cuddling with me, holding my hands, etc... I still don't know why you won't sleep with me. There has to be a reason. I hope its not because of all the times I think I've made an ass of myself in front of you.

 

I feel like a drug addict coming down after I see you. You really have me going... I hope you know that. And I think I really have you going too, even if you don't want to admit it.

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So... I'm sure some people who follow this journal want at least some details about this weekend.

 

I went over around 7:30 to Aaron's house. He was baby sitting. So we sat with the kids and watched the Smurfs and some other cartoon. Then when Jeremiah came home and the kids were in bed we walked up to the tavern. We were playing pool and he went and said something to the bar tender.

 

I wasn't aware of this, but he told her it was my birthday so she poured me a shot. Then he got the whole bar to sing to me.

 

I beat him twice at pool too, which really surprised me, I figured he would whip my ass.

 

So we closed the bar down...

 

On the way home we stopped and sat on this stone wall thing outside this big old building. We sat there for a couple hours just talking. It was great. I kinda cleared the air about last week's conversation. I told him I don't want things to change between us. I like the way they already are. He basically said the same thing. He told me he really likes being with me and doesn't want to change things. He also apologized for not answering my text. He said he didn't know what to say, and didn't want to say the wrong thing. Then when I texted him about the reformatory on Wednesday he told me he didn't answer that one because his minutes were getting low, and he figured he would just talk to me about it this weekend. I can understand that. Minutes aren't cheap and he is looking for a job, so he kinda needs to save them as much as he can.

 

So we sat on that stone wall and talked for a long time... about all kinds of stuff. We made out for a little bit and then he said he wanted to go back to the house and eat something.

 

Back at the house, it's like 4am. We sat and listened to music and at hot pockets. We watched this movie called Totally Baked. It was funny.

 

I fell asleep for a little bit when the movie was over. He woke me up and asked if I wanted to go up to the gas station with him to get some coffee. So we walked up there, got coffee, and decided to walk to Chris's house.

 

Chris lives all the way on the other side of town. We didn't really think that one through, lol. We walked there though, it's a few miles.

 

We got to Chris's place, sat around drinking coffee and talking. We cleaned Chris's grill for him so he could cook on it. I guess there are pics of me cleaning it, but I don't remember anyone taking them.

 

I was exhausted by that point. I went and laid down in Chris's bed for a while. I slept for a few hours and when I got up dinner was ready. We ate and played cards for a while. Finally at around 10:00 or so, Chris gave me a ride home. Aaron sat in the back seat with me and cuddled with me the whole way home. He gave me a nice long kiss goodnight before I got out of the car.

 

Then I had to come home to the drudgery of this life. Adam was all annoyed with me because he has a toothache and I wasn't home all weekend to baby him. No one ever babies me when I'm not feeling well. I don't complain about it.

 

Oh... and I forgot to mention in the beginning of the post. Jeremiah said he had something for me. What he gave me was an awesome custom made pair of Patchies. He makes them. I told him I wanted him to make me a pair but I didn't expect them to be done so soon for my birthday. I wore them to the bar and everyone thought they looked awesome.

 

So, that's how I spent my birthday.

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I need to call someone... on the verge of an f'ing panic attack. Thanks Aimee. Love ya to death but I wish you would leave town already.

 

You're a freaking emotional vampire and you're sucking me dry. No I'm not gonna call off work for you tomorrow. I need the money. I haven't been working overtime lately and I called off Monday. And I don't care what you say, I haven't called off all these times to hang out with Aaron. If I called off that much I would be fired. I've never missed work because I was with Aaron.

 

And Chris... I dunno what the hells up with you either, and you too Paula. I don't really care how drunk he got Sunday night. He's allowed. If it was that bad maybe you all should have stopped giving him more beer. It was your beer right?

 

Jeez people...

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I'm so tired of feeling this way...

 

In Europe I had this awesome experience at the ruins of the Church. I let go of all my sadness. Told the Gods to take it because I didn't want it anymore. I felt it leave me and go into the earth below...

 

Then I just came home to a whole new bunch of reasons to be sad...

 

I was thinking last night. For some odd reason my 33rd birthday seemed so important to me. Maybe because I always saw myself dying at 33 and I think it was my last.

 

I know I get like this a lot and the people who follow this thread are probably tired of hearing it... But I really do think my time is coming. And sometimes I wish it would just hurry up and get here already. I'm tired of people messing with my head and treating me like nothing.

 

I'm surrounded by people who just want to take and disrespect... And the people who do respect me don't come around enough.

 

I know writing this down isn't helping how I feel. It's just providing pointless depressing blabber that people probably don't want to read. SO what's the point of sontinuing...?

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Today really is going to be a rough one... I can't shake it. Wish I wouldn't have even got out of bed. I feel like the mission has ended, I failed miserably, now I just want to be gone. I can't explain why I feel this way so often... but this is really how I fee. I'm not exaggerating. I just wish it would stop.

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