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Life On The Rocinante' (After Dark!)


Cynder
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Well, I hope I'm not the only one who's Christmas is turning out to be pretty crappy already...

 

Been sitting here suffering all week with what the doctor says is the viral flu... after some quick internet research I found out the viral flu is just a generic term for regular Influenza... Sucks either way though... Tomorrow I have to go back to work whether I feel up to it or not. And I was told that because I missed all this week I may be mandated all weekend. They damn well better pay me triple time on Sunday if I have to be there on Christmas.

 

Aaron has made these last four days a lot more pleasant, at least. Him and I have spent a lot of time this week BSing on facebook and playing Castleville. Last night we were up till almost 2am talking online. It really makes me sad knowing he will be all by himself on Christmas. I know this is what he is used to because he doesn't have any family around here. He said on that day he just goes off by himself somewhere and "wonders around." I thought (for a very brief second) about inviting him to my Mom's place with me on that day. But I know he would never go for it. Plus in all honesty I'm kind of scared of him ever meeting my family. I'm still haunted by what an idiot they made of me when they met Adam. And even if I wasn't afraid... it's way to soon for that anyway.

 

I did, however, invite Eric to come to my Mom's place with me... This is his first Christmas since his Mom passed away and I know he's really down. Well, now his Mom's friend Delia has insisted that he come to her place instead. Delia has never met me, but she hates me. She's been quite vocal about this... Why does she hate me? Because of my religious views and my sexual orientation... She's a devout Southern Baptist. Show me the verse in the bible that says it's ok to hate people who don't think and act like you do. So, Eric is spending Christmas with her. He says he doesn't want to, but he doesn't want to hear about it from her, and he knows he will.

 

So... on Christmas I will be surrounded by people. But I will still feel so completely alone.

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  • 2 weeks later...

So... here it is, new years eve.

 

I always end up reflecting on new years eve... I think a lot of people do, they just don't talk about it. In some ways I feel like I am no further ahead in my life then I was last year. But I guess there have been some improvements. I have a job now at least... that I may lose here soon. I am no happier in my marriage then I was last year at this time... but I'm scared to death to make the leap and separate from him. By far the best thing that happened this year... I finally made it accross the pond. Hopefully next year at this time I'll be living, or at least preparing to live over there. I've about had it with this town, this country... even this friggin' planet really. But I can't do much about that right now.

 

Bottom line, I'm just as miserable as I was last year, and the year before and the year before that. But In the words of the Grateful Dead, I will get by. (I'm listening to that song right now, so fitting, lol.)

 

...

 

I'm going over to Aaron's place tonight. We might go out, still not sure.

 

And sadly that's not the only thing I'm unsure about with him. Idk... I'm so damn confused. I think after tonight I might just back off from him a little. I have feelings for him, but I have no clue how he feels about me and I don't have the balls to just come out and ask him. He says he doesn't want a relationship, then after just the right amount of alcohol he starts telling me he loves me. That messes with me head. Don't say it unless you mean it...

 

There are other things that are making me want to step back too... and they are all small on their own, but when you put them all together it's a lot to deal with.

 

The fact that no matter what, we are never alone... ever... ever... ever. The other night I went down there and hung out and it was just him and I for about an hour, then Paula and Chris come walking in. He lives in a party house, I guess I should expect that. If I'm over there and it's around 5am and I fall asleep, then I get called a light weight by everyone. A lot of the people who hang out down there also call me a goody goody. I asked once why I'm a goody goody... and I was told because I don't have a criminal record. Well... it's not that I've never broke the law. I've just never been caught. But to me that's nothing to brag about.

 

He's about to be homeless again. His roommates are threatening to kick him out if he doesn't find a job. Yea, I know the economy sucks. I also know how hard it is to find work with a physical problem. He has a lot of the same problems with his eyes that I do. He can't drive either, like me. On top of that, he's also a felon, so yea, he's got it rough job hunting. But, I think he could be trying a little harder. You have to apply at a lot of places to get a job around here. Filling out one application a month won't get you anywhere. Job hunting takes a lot of effort. Now he's about to be staying at the Salvation Army because his roommates gave him so much time to find work or be kicked out. And his time is about up.

 

I realize I must sound so cold hearted and judgmental writing this. Maybe I am, idk. I've just been down this road with other men in my life before. It's not easy. We have talked about him living with me when I find a place. But if he does I'm going to want him to contribute, not sit on my couch playing video games and getting stoned all day.

 

The other night when I was down there before Paula and Chris showed up, he was talking about how after the new year he is going to detox himself and start getting serious about finding a job. This was before all the crap hit the fan with him and the roommates. So hopefully he was serious, especially now that he might be kicked out.

 

For a while there, Paula was constantly up his ass too. It was starting to make me jealous. I hate feeling that way... I've been cheated on in pretty much every serious relationship I've been in. This can't be labeled as a serious relationship yet, but I'm already worried about it. Like when is he going to become just another ass who cheated on me? They all do eventually. I don't think there's anything between them. But I don't like double standards either. He's getting all jealous over me and Jared having a conversation right in front of him, but I'm not supposed to feel any jealousy over him hanging out with some other chick. He's never alone with her, but that means nothing. He's never alone with me either.

 

Him and I have talked about whether or not we trust each other... He told me if I ever sleep with anyone behind his back it would be over. But then he added that he knows he can trust me. He said "If I couldn't trust you I wouldn't be with you." See... he says stuff like that and then turns around and tells me he doesn't want a relationship. What the hell...?

 

The other night I was talking to his friend Ben online. Ben is about to move to New Mexico... and we were talking about that. And then Ben started hitting on me. For like five IMs... he's asking if we can hook up before he leaves, etc. And here I was dodging those questions and trying to politely turn him down without being nasty. Then come to find out, it wasn't Ben at all, it was Aaron. He said he was just messing with me to be funny. But I know better. He was testing me. That's fine I suppose. At least now he knows I'm not going to sleep around.

 

Idk... this relationship (and I'm using that word because it's just easier to call it that, even though it's technically not that.) has caused me a lot of stress and anxiety lately. Truth is, I do have strong feelings for him. If I didn't then I wouldn't be experiencing all this mental turmoil. But I wonder if just having strong feelings is enough. There are other contributing factors that make me want to walk away.

 

So, I wonder if it's time to back off a little. Maybe if I do he might notice and ask me why... then I just might grow myself a pair and tell him exactly how I feel. Who knows... it could help the situation. But part of me feels like this just makes me one of those women who plays head games. That's not what I want to be. But I also don't want to be in the current state I'm in either. I need to do something.

 

I would post a thread about this... but then everyone will just scold me for posting too many threads about him. That's been the thing lately on this forum.

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You don't sound cold-hearted and judgemental to me. You sound like you are looking at the situation logically/practically. You don't want to take on a guy that has issues, when you are trying to get your life to better place and attain your goals.

 

The other night I was talking to his friend Ben online. Ben is about to move to New Mexico... and we were talking about that. And then Ben started hitting on me. For like five IMs... he's asking if we can hook up before he leaves, etc. And here I was dodging those questions and trying to politely turn him down without being nasty. Then come to find out, it wasn't Ben at all, it was Aaron. He said he was just messing with me to be funny. But I know better. He was testing me. That's fine I suppose. At least now he knows I'm not going to sleep around

 

To be honest, what he did sounds very immature and well.....messed up. I'd be really pissed if someone did that to me.

 

I also worry that it could be a red flag indicating that he is possessive and could turn potentially abusive at some point. I don't get how he thinks he has the right to tell you he is jealous of you talking to another guy in front of him when the 2 of you are not in "a relationship" (due to him not wanting to be in one). Tread carefully..... I know you like him a lot but you may not have seen all the sides of him yet. I REALLY don't like what he did online, pretending to be someone else. That was pretty low and weird, and even creepy IMO.

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So, it's 2012. I've mentioned this before in various posts on this forum. But I am fascinated by the idea that the world might end in less then a year. Yea, I know it most likely won't. But I kinda hope it does. I know people reading this are thinking how warped I must be. Oh well... I can't really explain my reasons.

 

The idea of massive extinction and the death of the human race is comforting to me. A good friend of mine and I have talked about this a few times. He's one of the few that agrees with me. He says that mother nature is about to shake us off like a nasty case of fleas.

 

It could be because I have an odd morbid fascination with death in general. Death on a global scale doesn't scare me or upset me. If we all die together there is no more suffering. And if it does happen I will feel lucky to be one of the privileged few that is alive to witness it.

 

I remember seeing the movie Deep Impact. It was a really sad movie... But I also remember thinking how much we as a civilization need something like that to come along and rattle us. We are nothing but a bunch of robot zombie troglodytes living miserable fast food fed existences with our fat asses parked in front of the idiot box every day. Something needs to happen to rock us to the very core.

 

If the world doesn't end in 2012 I think something will definitely happen that will change things. I mean something that is so massive that life as we know it will never be the same. I've used an Alien landing as an example to some. But I try to avoid that because then people want to get into debates about the existence of Aliens and it take the whole conversation off topic. I am not saying I think that's what will happen. But something along those same lines... Something that will really change a lot of people's perception and awareness.

 

If December 21 comes and goes with nothing happening I can honestly say I'll be thoroughly disappointed. I want something to change the world. If not that, I want to see us wiped out. Depending on how you look at it, we deserve either.

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I learned two new poi moves last night. I'm pretty proud of myself. How funny is it that there are some moves I have real trouble with because of the size of my breasts? I mean it... every time I try to buzzsaw at chest level all that happens is I keep smacking myself in the boobs. That hurtsd after a while, lol.

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  • 2 weeks later...

"Shut your mouth, how can you say I go about things the wrong way? I am human and I need to be loved. Just like everybody else does."

 

I'll tell you what... the recent heartache in my life has taught me how many people really do care. If nothing else I have that to think about. I have 12 year olds sending me pics of their salt water aquariums... I have people posting music to cheer me up. I have people joking with me to make me laugh...

 

I guess I can't beat myself up too much.

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  • 3 weeks later...

I still feel so numb... I don't know if the flood gates just haven't opened yet or if I am just to the point of emotionally shutting down. I know this is going to pass like everything does. I've had enough sorrow in my life that I should be a pro at dealing with it.

 

There are a few songs I've kinda adopted as mantras lately...

 

[video=youtube;hglVqACd1C8] ]

 

It's almost creepy how well this song describes the situation...

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So, after all this time apartment hunting, yesterday I came home from work, and Adam told me he's moving out. I was kind of relieved because I like this place.

 

He's a hoarder though, so I hope he's going to clear out a lot of his stuff. I hope he won't just take the basics and leave everything else here like my place is his storage unit.

 

Who knows... I may just get a different place and start new. I like this place, but there are an awful lot of memories here.

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Aaron is back in town... from what I heard he's back for the weekend. Jeez that didn't take long at all.

 

Paula called me last night. I was awake when she called, I just let it ring, didn't pick up. She left this insane drunk message on my voicemail.

 

I'm sure Aaron wanted to call me too, but probably doesn't have the balls. He knows he screwed up.

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