Life On The Rocinante' (After Dark!)

[BellaDonna]

Lol that is one amusing list!

[Cynder]

Adam-

 

I really hope your life at home will be easier after I'm gone. Since all I ever do is piss you off we will both be happier once I move the hell out of here.

 

I'm sorry I ate your friggin' crab cake. I didn't know it was yours. You brought home leftovers from your mom's place and told me I was welcome to them. You never told me the crab cake was off limits. And when you started yelling at me for eating it there was still half of it left which I put back in the fridge for you, but you still aren't satisfied.

 

Hey, I shouldn't have been eating that anyway. I should be trying to lose weight and fit the ideal you want right? I've never been thin enough or pretty enough... or smart enough... or made enough money... or had a good enough job... never been quite up to your standards. We can't all be perfect like you.

 

And since I at one of your damn donuts this morning that I didn't know I wasn't allowed to touch, tomorrow I'll go to the store and get you another one to replace it, k. Of course you'll probably be mad because I'll probably buy the wrong kind since I can't do a god damn thing right.

 

Oh... and what the hell was I thinking? Aimee took a walk with me today and I told her she could come back here to get her clothes that she had here. How stupid of me. I forgot I'm not allowed to have any of my friends over to this house that I pay the rent for us to live in.

 

Screw you, ass.

 

I feel less and less guilty about the fact that I've had four days off and I've spent two of them with another man. It's amazing! When I talk to him he answers me. We have two sided conversations. It's so nice talking to someone who isn't complaining and reprimanding me for everything I do. Imagine that.

 

I can't wait to call about these two apartments tomorrow.

 

Love, (?)

Me

[DN]

I assume that is not intended to be sent - not in that form anyway?

[Cynder]

Lol that is one amusing list!

 

Yea... some of the things on it I just don't get. Bottled Jesus? Plowed me?

 

I am glad though that so many people come to my blog and read about Synesthesia. That makes me feel like I'm serving a purpose. My blog isn't just some self indulgent collection of ramblings that serve no purpose other then for me to hear myself talk. I'm actually educating people.

 

I hope that someone with Synesthesia came there and read my description of having it and felt like they weren't alone.

 

And until I saw it on that list, I never knew Neil Peart had it. Finding that out made me happy. He's a God among drummers. And Rush is one of my favorite bands.

 

I really don't understand all the stuff about Whiskey though. There's nothing in my blog about Whiskey except for in a short story I posted the protagonist encounters a homeless drunk with Whiskey on his breath. Idk... it's kind of strange that so many people searching for stuff about Whiskey ended up on my little home on the web.

 

I have quite a few subscribers, so they must have liked what they saw.

[Cynder]

I assume that is not intended to be sent - not in that form anyway?

 

No... I just wrote it here to get it out. Basically just me venting. I get so tired of screwing up all the time.

[DN]

There is a difference between genuinely screwing up and screwing up only in the eyes of someone who is being unreasonable.

[Cynder]

There is a difference between genuinely screwing up and screwing up only in the eyes of someone who is being unreasonable.

 

Yea... I know it's not me, it's him. I just get tired of dealing with it.

 

When he found out I was planning on moving he started being all nice and caring, for a day. Then it was right back to where we were before. Suddenly all he wants to do is complain. THat's fine though... just make this easier on me.

[Cynder]

So... I was in the kitchen looking for something to eat, since I only had half a crab cake for dinner, and Adam walked in there. He got the crab cake that was left out of the fridge and handed it to me. I told him "No, that's yours."

 

He got really mad. He said "Fine, I'll just throw the damn thing out then!" He threw the crab cake in the trash then threw the plate it was on in the sink. I was standing right in front of the sink, so he basically threw the plate at me. Even though if I were to say anything, he would deny it and say he wan throwing it into the sink.

 

He asked me why I have to be so blanking stubborn all the time. I didn't know I was being stubborn. He got pissed because I started eating the crab cake. So I stopped eating it, put it in the fridge for him, and now he's mad because I wouldn't finish it, so no one gets it I guess.

 

Then he came back into the living room and was like "Are you gonna go online and complain to all your friends about me now?"

 

Yea... I need to get gone. I wish he would have just belted me in the face. Then I could go without having to explain myself.

[Cynder]

So, four days off comes to an end. Back to work today...

 

This weekend had it's ups and downs, that's for sure. I need to call about an apartment today. This is the one that's right below where Aimee's bf lives.

 

Idk... her being at my place all the time could be a problem. But the way she goes through guys, he probably won't be her BF much longer anyway. It would be cool living that close to downtown. Since most of the places I go are downtown. We'll see.

[DN]

Just put a sign on the door - "This is not a bank or a loan agency"

[Cynder]

Now that more people are starting to find my blog through google, it kinda worries me that this thread has basically the same name.

 

Idk... now I feel all paranoid. Here I am anonymous, there I am not. I might have to change the name of this thread and take the link out of my signature. It didn't matter much when no one ever looked at my blog... but now people are starting to. I don't want to stop writing here, because this thread has been insanely therapeutic for me. But I can't have people who know me stumbling on it. That would be a disaster of epic proportions.

[DN]

pm a mod if you want the the name of the thread changed.

[Cynder]

I called about an apartment yesterday. I'm waiting to hear back... The place I called about is the one right below Mike and Aimee.

 

I've told Adam straight out that I want to separate. But it's like it's going right over his head. Yesterday as I was leaving work her told me about this apartment up the street that he wants us both to move into. It's a two bedroom and the rent is really expensive, over twice what we pay now. Utilities are included, but if we moved there that wouldn't really be fair to me. I pay the rent and the phone bill and buy most of our groceries. So if all utilities are included, that means I'm paying for everything and he's not contributing anything. That's probably his motivator too... I can pay for everything so he has more money to indulge his porn addiction.

 

Now that my overtime has pretty much been eliminated I don't even know if I can afford to move out on my own. I might have to get a roommate. But having a roommate means a bigger place, and higher rent, etc.

 

Idk... I wish I wouldn't have told anyone I was looking to move out. Because now certain people are pressuring me. This is hard for me. It's hard admitting defeat. I suppose I should see it as liberating, but leaving an 8 year relationship is not easy.

 

And here I was telling myself I was going to be single for a while and not date anyone... and look what my stupid ass is doing? One thing I've learned in life is that nothing ever goes as planned.

[Cynder]

i wish people would stop pressuring me to move out. I'm tired of hearing it... and I'm tired of people giving me crap because I refuse to lie to landlords. Oh, heaven forbid I'm honest, jeez. If a place isn't pet friendly, I'm not going to lie and say I have no pets. What if I sneak her in, and they find out? And I hate it that people tell me to just take her to the pound. I guess my attitudes about being a pet owner are radically different then most. When I adopted her I adopted her for life, not just until she becomes an inconvenience to me. And then I have people like Aimee who clearly just want to squat at my place. And she "warned" me that when I move I better not let Aaron stay with me very often because he will just gradually take over my place. What thye hell is she so worried about? That he will before she has a chance to? Tired of this crap....

[BellaDonna]

People are probably just eager to see you get out of there, as they know you are unhappy. But you've made it this far, so I agree with you that there is no reason to rush and settle for an apartment that isn't accepting pets or doesn't have what you want and need. You might want to create a little distance between you and Aimee before you move out because it sounds like she has her own agenda when it comes to you getting an apartment. Keep her in the dark. Your agenda is the only one you should have to contend with.

[Cynder]

People are probably just eager to see you get out of there, as they know you are unhappy. But you've made it this far, so I agree with you that there is no reason to rush and settle for an apartment that isn't accepting pets or doesn't have what you want and need. You might want to create a little distance between you and Aimee before you move out because it sounds like she has her own agenda when it comes to you getting an apartment. Keep her in the dark. Your agenda is the only one you should have to contend with.

 

My friend Jeremy is about to move out of his place. His apartment is pretty nice and it's in a nice neighborhood. He told me his landlord doesn't allow pets on paper, but doesn't really enforce it. (Obviously not, Jeremy has a dog.) I may rent his place when he moves.

 

I agree it's probably better to not let Aimee know exactly whats going on. She doesn't have a cell phone right now. So I haven't heard from her in a week or so. As mean as it sounds, it's kinda nice not hearing from her. She's so damn needy.

[Cynder]

I hate being at the mercy of other freaking people... it gets so old.

[Cynder]

So... last night it finally happened.

 

I had a dream the night before last that it was going to... In the dream I was wearing a purple shirt. I don't wear purple... love it, but don't wear it. So that to me was strange in the dream. Then last night I go over there and he had on a purple shirt. So I knew it was happening last night. I just knew.

 

And oh my gods was it amazing... of course it's been a long time for me too, but still dry spell or not, it was really passionate. It's been a while for him too, so we just went crazy on eachother.

 

I don't know where things will go from here or how thing will change (if they even change at all.) But I guess we will find out...

[DrKitten]

Wooo, go Cynder! Hopefully there are many repeats of this.

[Cynder]

Wooo, go Cynder! Hopefully there are many repeats of this.

 

Yea, let's hope.

 

I still wonder if he is asexual though. As I've mentioned before in my posts about this situation, asexual people are fully capable of the act. They just don't desire it and don't seek it out. A lot of asexuals do have sex, but it's usually to please their SO. They themselves don't get anything out of it. It's only the interlocking of body parts.

 

The reason I still wonder if he is... He didn't finish. I got off a few times, but he didn't get off at all. Not like I didn't try... I'm not a selfish lover by any means. He even insisted it was fine that he didn't. He said as long as I got off. I felt bad though.

 

And now here I am, sick. I can almost bet he will end up sick too. So chances are there will be no repeat this weekend, lol. That's ok though.

 

I have what feels a lot like the early stages of strep throat. I hope it's not that... that would mean unpaid time off from work and this isn't a good time of the year for that. Since I'm not hired in I don't get paid sick days. Plus it would also involve a trip to the doctor which I can't afford to get a doctor's excuse.

[Cynder]

Paula texted me a little bit ago asking how I was doing... I texted back "I'm really sick, how are you?" No answer back.

 

I know exactly why this is... because she only texts me when she wants me to come over and buy her beer. She knows I won't be coming over because I'm sick, so she just stops. No, "I hope you feel better."

 

I don't know why so many of my friends turn out to be users. Yea, something about me obviously attracts these kinds of people... but I don't know what.

[Cynder]

So, I have something called the "Viral flu." I had to go to the urgent care clinic today... I've been told I can't go back to work until Friday.

 

Last time this happened I lost my job.

 

I haven't done much today but sleep. I will probably be up most of the night... That's ok though. I am a night person by nature and its nice to operate on my own schedule once in a while instead of someone else's.

[DrKitten]

That sucks. Hope you feel better!

[Cynder]

That sucks. Hope you feel better!

 

Thank you...

 

There has been some improvement today. Yesterday I was having to take ibuprofen every two hours just to manage the pain I've been in. Today I've been able to go with every four house.

 

I didn't get much sleep last night either, even after taking two Tylenol PMs.

 

Adam made a big stink about taking my doctor's excuse to work for me. Really? Like it's really going to upset his routine that much to go into the Quality Control department and give my boss a doctor's note...

 

You would think stuff like this would make me want to get the hell out. But I am still afraid to make that move. I've lived in this apartment for almost nine years. Part of it is that I fear change. Part of it as that I am afraid of admitting defeat. Part of it is that I'm scared to live alone. idk... I need to get over it soon though...

[DN]

"The only thing to fear is fear itself" Franklin D Roosevelt.