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Life On The Rocinante' (After Dark!)


Cynder
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Last night I went over to Aaron's place. He just moved back a week ago. His house is kind of a mess right now because they aren't all the way unpacked yet. It's a nice place though, it's one of those cool old houses.

 

We sat and listened to music and played Wii and drank Yuengling. I had a good time. It wasn't just him and I though, he has a roommate. And a few hours after I got there Vito showed up. Him and Aimee aren't together anymore. I don't know where she is right now. I haven't heard from her. I am starting to wonder if she left town. I sent her a text the other day and never heard back.

 

It's a lot more mellow hanging out with those guys without her around.

 

He already asked me to come back over next weekend. I wonder if he even knows how gaga I am for him, lol. I've heard it's mutual though... He's hard to read so I can't really tell. He did walk me home last night and I got a kiss goodnight.

 

I don't know where this is going, but it will be a fun ride at least.

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So, as of last night I have everything I need for this Holloween... I still haven't decided exactly where I'm going though. I've been invited to half a dozen different parties. I may just try to hit them all. My costume is going to rock though. It's great being close friends with a seamstress.

 

I need to get my paintings all matted and ready for the Gallery within the next few days.

 

I realized yesterday that I got jipped on my last paycheck... I don't have exact proof yet (need to get that today from my supervisor) but my check was lower then it should have been.

 

Aimee texted me last night asking to borrow money. I didn't answer the text...

 

Still no word from B. Mica has also stopped bothering me.

 

I hope I don't get stuck on mandatory overtime all weekend again... Aaron has already invited me over this Saturday. I want to be able to hang out over there and not have to rush home at 11 so I can be up for work. And they never tell me if I'm mandated or not until Friday afternoon which makes it hard to plan anything.

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I thank the Gods every day for giving me Synsethesia... I wish I could put some of these people who make assumptions about me inside my head for a day.

 

At work they are so worried that I am a safety hazard because of the tow motors... A tow motor is a big heavy (and usually brightly colored) object... Hello, I can see that. But even if I don't see them, I know when the tow motor is coming before anyone else does because I can *see* the sound it makes. And when they are really close by I can feel the vibrations in the floor anyway.

 

I just wish people didn't think so black and white about my issues. The human body is an amazing thing. We adapt to all kinds of things.

 

I think where I work is trying to push me out the door because of problems they know nothing about.

 

On a completely different subject I had to tell Aaron I can't come over this weekend because I have something going on on Saturday that I can't get out of... He didn't reply to the message. So I hope he's not upset. I know he was really looking forward to hanging out with me. It was mutual though, I am just as disappointed.

 

I am stuck at work all weekend anyway though., I want to go over there on a night when I don't have to work the next day so I don't have to go rushing home at 10:00. I wish work would let me off my leash sometimes. For a safety hazard they sure like to work me a lot.

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Ok... I guess no relaxing tonight like I planned... Aimee texted me a few minutes ago telling me she's five minutes from my house and I am touching up her dreadlocks tonight. Wow... thanks for asking. Like my world revolves around you Aimee.

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Today is Adam's 37th birthday. Tonight I have to go with him over to his mom's house. This is something I'm not looking forward to at all. His mom hates me... Last time I saw her she told me I needed a life coach and that I needed to work on some "serious self improvement."

 

She has never liked me though... She ruined my wedding too, which is something I still haven't gotten over.

 

I got my two paintings printed, matted, and down to the gallery last night. Now I can relax and not stress about it anymore. They look fantastic all matted up like they are. This is the first time I've ever seen any of my dry paintings all blown up like that. They printed really well.

 

I never got a reply from Aaron when I told him I couldn't come over tonight... I was worried he might be upset with me. But he isn't... Last night he texted me from someone else's phone. (His phone is a track phone and it's out of minutes right now.) He asked me if I tried texting him earlier. I told him no, but I messaged him on facebook. He asked me what was going on because he can't get on facebook right now. I told him I can't come over and hang out with him because I have something else going on tonight.

 

Now... I will just break in here and say I do have a conscience, lol. I would rather hang out with him then my mean condescending mother in law any day. But, open marriage or not, I won't spend my husband's birthday out some other guy. Even though if he spent my birthday with one of his other girls I wouldn't be too wounded. Still, I won't do that.

 

So anyway he was like "That's ok, I don't know what I'm doing tomorrow night anyway." I felt bad though... I got the feeling he was actually disappointed that I canceled on him and just trying to play it cool. It's hard to explain how I got that feeling from a text message. But I have a gut feeling that was the case. I could be wrong though.

 

I want to wait until a night when I don't have to work the next day to go over there though. It's a lot better when I don't have to rush home early and go to bed. One good thing about that though is when I have to leave early he always walks me home.

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So... yesterday I tried to be a good wife and do the right thing. As much as I wanted to go over to Aaron's place I just couldn't justify seeing some other guy on my husband's birthday. He was planning on going over to his Mom's last night and I thought I was going with him.

 

So, I took a nap, got up and started getting ready.

 

He came into the bathroom and was like "See ya later." I said "I thought I was coming with you." He told me his Mom was only expecting him and not me and there wasn't enough food for me and him both.

 

I was naturally a little annoyed with this. He blamed it all on me too... He said since I didn't tell him I was coming sooner him and his mom assumed I wasn't, so I was technically uninvited. I guess he has a point... I didn't think I needed to RSVP to my husband's invite to his Mom's house on his birthday. I thought it was kind of a given.

 

So, he left and left me alone.

 

I called Kitty because she always complains about never having anything to do on Saturday nights except sit at home. But she wasn't home last night. I know people reading this are probably wondering why I didn't try to get ahold of Aaron, but I had my reasons. For one, I know he's out of minutes on his phone. He borrowed someone else's phone to text me. I just didn't feel right trying to remake plans with him after I already broke them, you know? It's hard to explain.

 

So I texted Aimee to see what she was up to. She was with her new boyfriend so I felt like a real douche for bothering her.

 

I didn't want to sit at home by myself... It was a beautiful night last night, so I went for a walk.

 

I was walking downtown and my Mom pulled up beside me out of nowhere. She picked me up and we went to this party out in the middle of nowhere. It was a friend of my brothers' 21st birthday party. My Mom just happened to be on her way there and saw me walking, so I joined her. How ironic that I ended up spending last night at a birthday party.

 

It was a fun party... I got a little annoyed though with my Mom, because she knew I needed to be up for work today and wouldn't take me home. I was out way too late last night. I hate the feeling of being stuck somewhere... Despite not having a driver's license I always find a way to get where I need to go. And so when I'm stuck somewhere it bugs the hell out of me. When we got there she told me we were staying until midnight at the absolute latest. Well, at midnight she was hanging all over some 22 year old meathead. Finally at almost 2am I told her I was calling myself a taxi.

 

So, of course today I'm tired as all hell. Adam says we need to have a "long talk" today when I get home from work. I don't even want to have a long talk with him. It's passed that point. I just want to pack my stuff and get the hell out of here. For now I want out of this apartment... but my ultimate goal is to get out of this damn country. I'm done.

 

Aaron keeps teasing me about how when I move accross the pond I better send him a plane ticket. He wants to get out of here too. How cool would that be?

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I think that's his way of saying it's really over, Cynder. He wants to go ahead and make the break emotionally. That sounds healthy really.

 

I wish he would just say it then, instead of giving me the silent treatment all the time. Yesterday he wanted to have this long talk... But when I got home he wouldn't even speak to me. I need to check the paper for apartments... Pet friendly places are so hard to find around here.

 

My Mom wants me to move in with her. My grandma also wants me to move in there. I want to live on my own. Yes, my family has shown me more respect since I got back from Europe... but they are still in my business all the time. If I lived with any of them it would just get worse.

 

One a completely different note, Aimee is living in the Tent City now. She was staying with her ex boyfriend Mike... but he kicked her out. The leader of the Tent City had a tent all set up for her and everything when she got there. I think that's good that he did that, but I hope he's not trying to take advantage of her or anything.

 

She's really upset because the humane society took her dogs. She loved her dogs more then most people. But she can't take care of them when she's homeless...

 

I took her out to my Mom's house with me for dinner last night. I can't let her stay here because I would never here the end of it from Adam. But I can at least help her stay fed. I don't want to see anyone starving out on the street, especially one of my friends.

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It's hard enough seeing homeless strangers, much less a friend. That's why my dad keeps his old house, because my little brother would surely be homeless now if he didn't have that shack to live in.

 

I saw the saddest thing yesterday that made me cry. It was a dog that had been rescued, and for a long time it had a rope around it's neck....it had grown into the skin and finally broken it. Then it went deeper in and finally all the flesh was torn off and the rope was down to this poor dog's neck bones. They took 4 cups of maggots out of the flesh. And it's been a year now and this dog is healed. God, I hope someone will adopt him after what he's been through. He was skin and bones. Now he's happy and doing great. I saw photos and that is what really upset me. I know he was in the worst kind of pain imaginable.

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I used to do a lot of volunteering in animal shelters... I saw some really sad stuff like that. A cat was brought to us by animal control once with an arrow through it's leg. The more I volunteered there the more I found myself hating people.

 

I hope Aimee's two dogs get adopted.

 

I told her she should go and try to stay at the battered women's shelter where I used to work. Most people don't know this but they let homeless women stay there occasionally when they have the room. It's not something they advertise because they don't want a bunch of homeless people trying to stay there. She told me she would check into it. But yesterday she texted me and told me she's staying in tent city for now because she likes it there.

 

Yesterday at work I had to train three new guys. I think it's funny... I'm not good enough to be hired in there but I'm good enough to train people who will be. Kinda feel exploited.

 

Apparently the gallery lost my work. The owner called me yesterday while I was at work and was like "Are you bringing your work in soon because I need to get everything hung." I told her I brought my work in Saturday. She had no idea what I was talking about.

 

Artists are scatterbrained people for the most part... hope they find it.

 

To be honest this gallery hasn't impressed me much. The work is nice and the space is nice... but the people there leave a lot to be desired. When I went down to enter myself in the show they acted like my being there was a huge inconvenience to them and like they wanted me to leave. When I dropped off my work, the same two women were there, and they acted the same way, only this time they also acted confused when I told them I was dropping my work off for the show. Now the owner can't even find my work... Idk, it's a small town gallery. I've had three exhibitions that were all my work in bigger city galleries. Maybe it's because that's all I've dealt with, idk. They just don't seem to have it all together.

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There aren't very many synesthetic artists out there. I need to do more of that kind of work. I think seeingg that kind of work helps people understand the condition a little more, or at least relate to it. At work I always know when the tow motor is coming because I can *see* the sound the engine makes. I thought about doing a painting of the sound patterns here at work. This is a noisy place.

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So, this morning Adam was pretty nasty to me. He was up when I was leaving. I leaned over to give him a kiss and said "I'll see you later." He got all pissy and wouldn't let me kiss him. I asked what was wrong and he said I "yelled in his ear."

 

I didn't do that... I just bent down and was face to face with him and said it in a normal voice.

 

I said I feel like I can't do anything right anymore, and I left.

 

Today when he came into work he came up to my work area to talk to me like he always does. I wouldn't even talk to him. I was putting parts in a bin... I just looked at him and kept doing what I was doing. I know this sounds completely infantile... But I'm sick of his crap. Maybe if he sees some repercussions for his bad treatment he might ease up a little. And maybe he could learn something from getting the silent treatment once in a while. He does it to me all the damn time.

 

I checked the newspaper for both jobs and apartments. Nothing today. There was one apartment I was interested in... until I found out it isn't pet friendly. I have to get the hell out of here...

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If you haven't used it already, Craigslist might have some more options than the newspapers.

 

Nothing on Craigslist... I just checked there.

 

It's so hard to find pet friendly apartments around here. There is a nice complex with reasonable rent here... but it's so far on the outskirts of town. I'm trying to stay in the downtown area. Since I can't drive I have to stay in walking distance of the places I go. The apartments complex would be a lot closer to work... but I don't see myself working there much longer, so that doesn't really matter anyway.

 

Everything is so up in the air right now. I wish I had more of a grasp on things.

 

Wonder how Aimee is doing at tent city. She can't call me because her phone was shut off...

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I wonder if work will make me come in this weekend. I've worked the last two weekends in a row... Plus is Halloween. Let me off the leash for a night, please?

 

My costume looks absolutely killer. Kitty definitely outdid herself this year. It looks amazing. I'm sure I'll have some interesting people approach me this weekend and have some interesting conversations, lol. I'm dressing up as a pot fairy, if anyone is curious. A lot of work went into this too, and a fair amount of money. You know how hard it is to fine realistic looking fake pot leaves?

 

I lost 5 pounds. It's nice knowing my efforts to lose weight aren't all futile. I've spent 8 years with a guy who doesn't like my body no matter what shape it's in, and I've had such a hard time losing weight all this time. It's so ironic... now he is on the out and I have a man in my life who loves curvy women, and I start losing weight. Yea, I know we aren't dating, but theres potential there...

 

Adam doesn't like me carrying extra pounds, but he didn't like how I looked when I was really thin either. My hair has never been right either... It's naturally curly and for a long time he used to hound me about getting it straightened. I kept telling him it's not going to work, I've tried straightening it before and it doesn't last. It's never been the right color either. He claims to have a "redhead fetish" I'm a natural redhead, but my hair has never been the right shade of red for him.

 

He is so hung up on looks. A couple years ago I just stopped trying. It's not like I don't take care of myself, I just stopped trying to please him because I came to the conclusion that nothing will ever be good enough. He wants a super model... and even if he had a real super model he would probably find something wrong with her too.

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I hope he has supermodel looks.

 

Cynder, my dad's cousin treated his wife that way. He whined so long about her fat body, then she lost a lot of weight and he told her how gross she looked with all the loose skin. Finally she got rid of that man. She still grieved over her loss, but I think it was probably the loss of the family unit she missed more than him.

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Adam doesn't like me carrying extra pounds, but he didn't like how I looked when I was really thin either. My hair has never been right either... It's naturally curly and for a long time he used to hound me about getting it straightened. I kept telling him it's not going to work, I've tried straightening it before and it doesn't last. It's never been the right color either. He claims to have a "redhead fetish" I'm a natural redhead, but my hair has never been the right shade of red for him.

 

 

Maybe buy him one of these for Christmas (should he be lucky enough to still have you around by then):

 

 

image removed

 

It's good that you are no longer putting energy into trying to please him if he isn't doing the same from his end.

 

Good luck- I hope you don't have to work the Halloween weekend.

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