Life On The Rocinante' (After Dark!)

[Cynder]

SFM could have gone a lot better...  Not the worst show I've ever done but far from the best show.

When I was all set up and people started coming through the door, the very first customer who came to my booth took one look at me and the first thing she says is, "Where's D?"

I said, "He's not here." 

She said, "Is he coming later?"

Me: "No." 

Here:  "That sucks.  I got excited when I saw you were here because I figured he would be here too." 

Wow...  I really hope that doesn't set the stage for the rest of the season.  Nothing like feeling invisible right off the bat. And it wasn't even, "Hi, how are you?  Is D here?"  She just took one look at my booth and asked me where he was.  And her tone was rude when she asked. 

And then throughout the day, just about every customer, "So who's artwork is this?" Or some variation of that.  Idk...  when I walk into a booth and there's only one person there I assume that person is the artist.  Maybe people have this idea that artists are rich and just hire peons to sell their work at events or something. 

But last year, one of the first questions I was asked was who makes my prints and then this woman said something like, "Wow, I didn't know you could just print other people's work out from the internet and sell it for money." 

I don't know which was worse...  Someone assuming I'm basically committing fraud or someone who is only concerned about seeing my ex. 

There's been such a change in this line of work since the pandemic.  Customers expect free stuff.  And some of the new people who just became part of the scene are really entitled and rude.  At least the other vendors who do SFM are all cool people. 

 

[Batya33]

I wouldn't pay any mind to one customer said. I don't assume a single person in the booth is the artist -we have a number of art festivals in the major park down the block.  I don't always ask  but I don't assume. Years ago at a festival I bought a self published children's book for my son -the guy was the author -he probably told us but I wouldn't have assumed.  Nothing to do with gender etc. I'm sorry it frustrated you!

[Cynder]

15 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I wouldn't pay any mind to one customer said. I don't assume a single person in the booth is the artist -we have a number of art festivals in the major park down the block.  I don't always ask  but I don't assume. Years ago at a festival I bought a self published children's book for my son -the guy was the author -he probably told us but I wouldn't have assumed.  Nothing to do with gender etc. I'm sorry it frustrated you!

I guess my personal experience has to do with it.  I've been doing this for ten years.  I don't know a single person who hires other people to sell for them at events.  But that's just me. 

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, Cynder said:

I guess my personal experience has to do with it.  I've been doing this for ten years.  I don't know a single person who hires other people to sell for them at events.  But that's just me. 

I've been going to festivals regularly for over 40 years in several different major cities. Met many who hire. 

[Cynder]

Holy hell...  I had no idea killing off a character could be such a punch to the gut.  I've known this person was going to die since chapter 3.  And I already wrote this death in the first draft.  But I really beefed up the brutality in the latest draft that I'm sending to my editor.  I did not expect to have such an emotional reaction to writing his death scene.  I sat here in my office and cried for a few minutes after writing it.  And I guess it's even more messed up that this character is an absolute scumbag.  He is one of the main antagonists of the story.  He's a pedophile and a psychopath. 

I cried when the guy who sexually abused me died, too.  That's something even I don't understand.  He was a family member.  He had a big part in raising me and my siblings.  He was a talented artist and he was really funny.  He also was the only person that seemed to understand what I felt when my dad died.  And those were the things I cried for, I didn't cry because a child molester died.  He wasn't born a child molester.  And he was molested too as a kid.  So, it was more like grieving for the part of him that was good.  Because I don't think anyone is pure evil or pure good. 

So, this is a character that I created, and I've known from the beginning that he would die by the end of the book.  But for some reason... his death really hit a nerve in me.  I didn't base him on my abuser, at least not consciously.  But everything a creative person experiences goes into their work at some point, even trivial things. 

My nephew makes an appearance in this novel.  He's a background character.  But he's in there.  D's dog is in this novel, too.  This dog was stolen, unfortunately.  So I immortalized him by putting him in my book. 

Anyway...  got to get some painting done before work. 

 

[Cynder]

Someone in a critique community commented on there being an f bomb six lines into my book.  They weren't offended.  They told me dropping the f bomb this early on means it's going to be an interesting read.  So I decided just for the hell of it to find out how many there are.  Needles boasts an impressive 93 f-bombs.  41 uses of the s word for poop.  14 a*$holes.  And 2 uses of the c word.  Most of this is in dialogue.  I don't just throw cuss words into the prose.  Like, "It was a warm sunny f'ing day..." Lol. 

This is just in the chapters I've revised.  So, there's probably more.  But this was a fun little exercise. 

[Batya33]

As a reader and only minorly a writer and on a number of FB groups for readers/writers and several friends where we share book recs - I think it's so individual like musical/fine art tastes as to what intrigues/interests readers or makes them get into a book. I'm sure there are many who would be not as into your novel in your genre if it wasn't peppered with salty language- so to speak!

[Cynder]

I have multiple friends/family members, and even acquaintances who practically beg to be beta readers.  Everyone really wants to read Needles, since it's almost finished.  But not one person who"s been sent a copy (accept D) has read it, or even started reading it.

If I send someone a copy and a couple weeks go by and they don't open it, I remove their access.  It's not good to have tons of digital copies floating around.  And I've removed access to pretty much everyone I've sent it to.  No one has even noticed. 

Just so no one reading this gets the wrong idea, I'm not running around begging everyone I know to please please please read my book.  These are people who asked me if they could read it. 

And it's not that I am just trying to get free labor out of people.  Beta readers are paid most of the time.  And I plan on paying some professional beta readers.  But there are people who beta read for free, too, and people I know have asked for that chance.  My ex (the vendor I dated) did free beta reads regularly for a handful of authors he knows.

My one friend who asked me for a copy multiple times keeps telling me she's going to start on it next week.  But "next week," has been coming for like 2 months.  I took her access away.  And last time she brought it up I actually told her I took her access away.  I was polite about it.  I said I take access away from people who don't read it because I don't want a bunch of copies floating around.  And she was like, "Well, I don't know about punctuation and grammar and stuff.  I don't think I'm the right person to go through and check for mistakes and all that."  Ok... that isn't what I expect.  Any copy I send at this point is pretty much scrubbed clean of all that.  And also, that's what I'm paying an editor for. 

Idk, I'm sure there will be people reading this thinking I sound like a brat complaining.  It's just frustrating that everyone wants a copy until they get a copy.

 

 

[Batya33]

It’s a bit flaky for sure. I read my friend’s book and gave an Amazon review. A genuine one. It’s nonfiction and not totally my topic but I enjoyed it !  I’d have not agreed unless I could. 

[Cynder]

7 hours ago, Batya33 said:

It’s a bit flaky for sure. I read my friend’s book and gave an Amazon review. A genuine one. It’s nonfiction and not totally my topic but I enjoyed it !  I’d have not agreed unless I could. 

So many people throughout my life have acted like it's such a big problem that I expect people to follow through with their words.  If someone says they will be at my house at 3PM, that's what I expect.  And then if they show up at 5:30 and I'm a little irritated, well, that's my problem.  I shouldn't have expected them to be there when they said they would.

I, like you, don't commit to something I can't follow through with.  And if something happens that changes things, I will at least tell them.  Like if I say I"m going to be somewhere and then something happens that makes me late, I will let them know.  Since I rely on public transportation I am not always in control of when I leave, etc.  I try to give myself plenty of time to allow for late taxis, etc.  But that isn't fool proof. 

I wouldn't tell someone I'll read their book and then not read it.  And I definitely wouldn't ask someone for a copy of their book if I wasn't planning to read it. 

But, I bet for at least a few people, it's been a matter or feeling pressured.  Not like I am pressuring anyone myself.  But since they know me, they might feel pressured to like it.  Some people might be thinking, "Well, she's my friend, and if I don't like her book, I don't want to hurt her feelings, but I also don't want to lie."  I am one hundred percent honest when I say I don't care if people don't like my book.  In the first 5 pages a teenage boy pins his father against a wall and holds a knife to his throat.  There's an f bomb six lines into the story.  There is a graphic rape scene, multiple murders, lots and lots of substance abuse, prostitution, etc.  My main character is a drug dealer, (who also occasionally sells himself along with the drugs.) I know this brand of fiction isn't for everyone.  I don't expect everyone to like it.  And I'm also kind of a masochist when it comes to criticism of my writing.  I don't know why, but for some reason when I get a scathing critique on Reddit, it makes my day.  I've said it here before, too, I can't wait for my first one star review.  I was reading reviews for The Heart Is Deceitful Above All Things on Goodreads not too long ago, and someone wrote a one star review that said something like, "This is way too disturbing for me.  I couldn't sleep at night thinking about it."  All I could think was I hope someone writes something like that about one of my books one day, lol. 

Idk though, I take people at face value, but I've learned most people don't take anyone at face value.  People usually don't mean what they say, or say what they mean.  Everyone lies.  It really is better when I expect nothing.  So, maybe next time someone asks me for a digital copy I'll just send it expecting they won't read it. 

I also wonder if this is how it will be when it's out.  Are people who know me just going to buy it and put it up on a shelf somewhere, and then once in a while pull it out when they have company and be like, "I totally know this author!"  I guess it doesn't matter by that point.  If it's published and people are buying it I still benefit from that.  But I do hope people buy it and actually read it.  I also understand that no one cares about my work as much as I do.  That's a hard pill to swallow for a lot of creatives people.  No one cares about my paintings as much as I do, either. 

 

[Cynder]

My first revision on Needles will be done soon.  I'm getting pretty close tot eh end.  Even though I finished drafting it in December, it feels like finishing this revision is a bigger deal than finishing the first draft.  A first draft is usually so sloppy that it doesn't feel like the real book.  One good revision though, and then it starts to feel real.  Because then what you have is something you can actually show people.  I would never send a first draft to anyone. 

I've been coming up with so many ideas for the (sorta) sequel to Needles.  But it's not really a sequel in the sense that it happens after the events of the first book.  The way this whole thing started...  It originally was an anthology of short stories that all take place in the same town.  But the more I got into it, the more I was interested in telling the story of these three characters before everyone else.  So, what is now Needles is the story of three characters who all have really messed up pasts.  But, there are all these other short stories that take place in the same city that are good, too.  They just aren't in this book because they don't follow the three main characters.  So, I have a whole other book worth of short stories I want to release.  So, it's more like a companion book than a sequel, I suppose.  I'm starting to get ideas to expand on those stories, too. 

This messed up town where messed up things happen might be a series one day. 

People on Reddit are going nuts over the last two chapters I shared.  My editor is also working faster, too.  He's up to chapter 9 now. 

OF is this weekend.  I feel like such a failure as a vendor.  I have hardly any new paintings this year.  If anyone asks why, I'll tell them it's because I've been writing a novel.  It's the truth.  I feel like once Needles is done, I will probably do nothing but paint for a while. 

The Eclipse gave me a really cool idea for another novel, also.  I feel like there's so many things I want to write, and not enough time for it all.  I've seen new age quotes about how if the calling is strong enough no one can ignore it.  Maybe this is really something I was called to do.

I don't write high brow fiction, though.  I doubt anything I've written will change the world.  I don't write feelgood stories.  All my characters are morally gray.  Bad things happen in my books.  I've had people ask me if anyone in my Universe is a decent human being.  I've had people tell me I should seek professional help.  I've had people ask if I'm okay after reading my work, etc. 

It feels good being this close.  But I want to be finished. 

I'm sure I'm obsessing a little.  But writing these stories was something that kept me going when Z left.  I paint when I'm happy and I generally write when I"m miserable.  Right after Z left was one of the worst times of my life.  And I hardly painted anything but I wrote all the time.  I feel like going through all of that and then no one ever seeing the stories I wrote is such a waste.  Something good had to come out of all of that suffering.  And this is the good thing. 

 

[Cynder]

I've said before that every friend I've lost over the Z situation has come back and apologized and wanted to be friends again.  Well, I was wrong, apparently I forgot about one. 

This guy not only side with her but he tried to start a relationship with her a few days after she left.  We talked all the time.  I had known him for about 5 years then.  He's an artist like me, amazing photographer, etc.  He got really quiet and stopped talking to me right after she left. At the time I didn't really think much of it because I figured he just got busy, etc.  He messaged me about a month later and told me he was being quiet because his grandma died.  Ok, that's really sad, I'm sorry for your loss, etc. 

Well, turns out his grandma didn't die.  He was quiet because he was spending all his time trying to get in a relationship with Z.  So I just unfriended him and stopped talking to him. 

Well, guess who wants to be friends again?  Guess who is "so sorry" two years later?  Guess who really misses seeing my artwork and talking about creative things with me?  (It's always my artwork they miss, smh.)

Why are people always so sorry after the fact?  How come no one ever stops to think about what they're doing before they do it?  I do, but I guess I'm in the minority. 

He will get the same response everyone who sided with her has gotten.  Basically apology accepted, access denied.  If they question me further I tell them "Hey, you made your choice.  I don't care if she's not in your life anymore.  You chose her.  You don't get a do over."

 

[Cynder]

I've been on a real Guns n' Roses kick lately.  They were kinda before my time.  I mean, they were at their height of popularity when I was in elementary school.  But I did hear them a lot growing up.  I went on a road trip last weekend with some friends, and the guy who drove was playing Appetite For Destruction in the car. 

This song isn't on Appetite.  It's on Use Your Illusion.  But I'm in my office, got YouTube music playing.  My office speakers are awesome.  My roommate is at work so I don't need to worry about waking anyone up.   The song You Could Be Mine was just playing.  And you know when a song you've heard a hundred times is playing in the background, and you're not really paying attention...  and then one line suddenly stands out...  Well that just happened.  The line was "Why must you find another reason to cry?" 

I'm sitting here at my desk doing some last minute clerical stuff for OF this weekend.  And that line in the song just ripped me right out of work mode.  And then the line a little later in the song, "Five years been forever and you haven't grown up yet."

Even though since my last therapy session I haven;t thought about Z as much, those two lines reminded me so much of being with her.  Thank Gods I wasn't with her 5 years.  I don't know who the hell could put up with her for 5 years.  And I feel sorry for anyone who could.  Especially the line about finding a reason to cry.  I swear, she wasn't happy unless she was causing some drama.  Even if it's just being mad at me for leaving a box of hair color in the bathroom because the girl on the box is pretty and she will never be pretty, and of course me leaving it there had nothing to do with plans to color my hair later that night in the bathroom.  I left it there just to piss her off because I'm evil and I want to rub it in her face that she's not pretty.  I think she would find things to be upset about so she didn't have to think about her own issues.  And it was always something I did wrong.  She needed someone to be mad at to keep from turning on herself. 

D was at my house last weekend.  An Injured raccoon has been hanging out around my back porch.  I've been feeding him and giving him water. D came down to see if he could help the little guy. 

Well, this isn't intended to be a long entry.  Back to revising chapter 37.  Any day now...  Needles only has about 40 chapters.  Any day now....

And the song that took my out of work mode...  lol.  Now I have to get back into work mode. 

 

[Cynder]

I know I keep saying Needles is so close to being revised. I posted 12 days ago that it was almost done.  Well, 12 days later, it's still almost done.  Not that I"m not trying.  I just keep hitting snags.  It's harder to end a book than people realize, even when the end is drafted already.  I've done so many updates during the revision process that I had to go back and change some things.  And now making those updates and tying up all the loose ends isn't a fast process.  I made a risky decision and changed a character's name in the last part of the book.  But, it makes sense that her name would change, considering she was associated with a murder and the whole town pretty much ostracized her.  No one wanted to give her a job, etc.  And it was her Dad who was murdered, she had his last name.  So, she legally changed her name.  So, since the book is told in three parts, she is one of the main characters in part 2.  And then in part 3 when we see her she has a different name.  But I didn't decide to change her name until well into writing part three. 

Her name was a unisex name, also.  And her having a unisex name actually makes it's way into a subplot.  It's not hugely important.  But based on her name alone, another character knew of her and thought she was a man.  So, when you make a major change like that, there's a lot that has to be fixed, for continuity.  It isn't just as simple as find and replace. 

There is also some taboo stuff that happens in this book, and I"m trying to make sure I handle it in as respectful a way as possible, while still telling the story.  My main character is in a sexual relationship with someone older than him when he is a teenager.  That all happens off page.  I don't have detailed sex scenes where him and his older lover go at it or anything because ugh...  It's kind of just hinted at for most of the book.  And then later on down the line when the older man is in prison (for drugs, not for sleeping with his underage protege') he has a lover in prison who is an adult but still quite a bit younger than him and who look an awful lot like my main character.  My editor told me I need to take that out because it's going to be too slimy for people.  I mean, I guess I can still keep it in that he has a lover in prison, and just not make him look like my main character.  But, these the the things I'm deciding on toward the end of the book. 

And even just errors that are small int he grand scheme of things...  Like the scenes of prison visits.  In one scene I have them talking on the phone with a glass partisan, and then I wrote another scene where they are at a table actually talking face to face.  The face to face scene takes place like 5 chapters alter.  I just forgot that before I wrote it with a glass partisan and a phone.  So, just small things like that that I'm catching now that I"m about to finish.  Yea, it might be a small detail, but those are things readers catch on to.  And whether or not you get to sit face to face and talk while vising someone in prison or if you talk on the phone through glass could go either way.  It depends on the prison, mostly.  Obviously a maximum security prison will be a lot stricter. 

Weed makes the revision process a lot louder.  I say louder because everything feels turned up.  And yes, I do get high when I do heavy revisions.  I know there are people who only read this thread looking for any juicy nuggets they can hold against me in the future.  That might sound arrogant and self centered.  But there are people here on this forum who have dredged up things I wrote in this thread 12 years ago as evidence of what a nasty person I am.  Well, there you go.  Have some cheese, lol.  Now you can pat yourself on the back and have your little moment because "Omg!!!!! What a trainwreck!!! She totally admitted she does drugs!!!!" Yup, I do "drugs."  Weed is legal in my state, both for medicinal and recreational use.  I don't smoke it because I don't like inhaling anything into my lungs.  I use tinctures, mostly.  I also have concentrated syrup that can be added to water (or any liquid, but I add it to water mostly, or tea.) 

I know some people are thinking "If you need drugs to write a decent book then...."  Mind altering substances alter the mind.  They don't suddenly make someone talented.  It's not like someone who is a horrible writer/artist/musician, etc can smoke some weed and suddenly they're a genius.  Hemingway was a drunk.  Bach smoked weed.  Both Steve Jobs and Bill Gates were pro Acid.  Psychedelics played a big part in the making of Sgt Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club, and that is considered one of the best rock albums of all time.  The whole novel was written without the use of any substances.  But while revising, being stoned unlocks certain channels.  That's the best way I can describe it.  I can think up things I probably wouldn't have thought of sober. 

Anyway, now it's time to go continue revising chapter 39.  No, I'm not high right now, but I will be here shortly.  I'm about to go make myself some tea with syrup mixed in. 

 

[Batya33]

In 1987 my creative writing professor (english major with concentration in creative writing) gave us a weekly short story writing assignment (that was the class) and he advised taking a long hot bath if you couldn't think of what to write.  My thing always has been -both way back when I wrote creative and all the years I have to come up with writing that is creative but for professional/nonfiction purposes -is cardio and most often outside works better than inside to get the creative juices flowing (never tried and will never try -that's the plan anyway -an illegal drug or weed even if I'm in a location where it is legal -unless it's for something like cancer/medical reason and I've never been drunk so I have no clue what impact if anything those substances would have on my creativity). 

Always liked what that professor said and he was right!

[Cynder]

4 hours ago, Cynder said:

And even just errors that are small int he grand scheme of things...  Like the scenes of prison visits.  In one scene I have them talking on the phone with a glass partisan, and then I wrote another scene where they are at a table actually talking face to face.  The face to face scene takes place like 5 chapters alter.  I just forgot that before I wrote it with a glass partisan and a phone.  So, just small things like that that I'm catching now that I"m about to finish.  Yea, it might be a small detail, but those are things readers catch on to.  And whether or not you get to sit face to face and talk while vising someone in prison or if you talk on the phone through glass could go either way.  It depends on the prison, mostly.  Obviously a maximum security prison will be a lot stricter. 

 

 

This is really bugging me... I swear I typed partician and not partisan.  Two completely different words.  Smh...