Life On The Rocinante' (After Dark!)

[Cynder]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

I hope when I die people talk about me the way I really am. Not some BS idealized version that has no resemblance to reality. "She was annoying and talked too much and was cranky and had a mouth like a truck driver and was sick all the time and complained a lot and was a decent cook and tried to help people who had less than her but also was a real pain in the ass with her opinions and lectures."

It's not even that I want people to say idealized things.  I just want people to say something. 

I went to a family gathering the other night and most of the people there didn't even speak to me.  One woman assumed I was dating my sister (In other words, brought to the event as my sister's SO) and then when told who I am she was like, "Oh! I didn't even know *my Mom* had another daughter!" I fade into the background everywhere, with family, at every job, etc. When I was a kid/teenager there were multiple occasions where my family would be invited to things (weddings, grad parties, etc) and everyone's name was on the invitation but mine. (And then it was just made worse by my parents making me stay home because "You weren't invited.") I was in the choir in high school and the director forgot my name in the program almost every time we performed.  I've had it happen more than once where the bosses threw a party for everyone at work and just forgot to give me an invitation. When my (now ex) SO's sister writes a biography about him and includes everyone in his life but me...  (And then it was made worse by her asking me to do the cover art... for free, and then telling me she didn't like any of the sketches I did, smh.) it's hard not to notice stuff like that. It gets old feeling like I just don't exist to most people. 

I had a friend I haven't talked to since 2021 reach out to me on IG and want to salvage the friendship because he misses my art.  He doesn't miss me, the actual artist.  He just misses seeing my art. 

In 2021 when my entire life fell apart and I really was contemplating suicide, the people I opened up to about it all said they would miss my art and that I can't die because I'm such a good artist.  It was a harsh truth realizing most of my friends don't really care about me, they care about what I do, because it entertains them. If I completely disappeared and moved to a remote location I wonder if anyone would even notice as long as paintings still kept showing up on social media.  At my funeral everyone is going to stand around and talk about my work.  And the price of my panting will skyrocket because when an artist dies suddenly people actually want to pay top dollar for their work.  And in about 6 months when I start releasing books and can officially call myself an author, then it will be, "It's really unfortunate she's gone because her books were so good." 

This is the biggest reason I'm having such a hard time getting over my last relationship.  Because I felt like he actually saw and heard me.  If I was suddenly dead I feel like he is the only person who would have actually missed me and not my work. 

I know this is just a joke to some people reading it, but it's something I really have a hard time with. 

 

[Cynder]

Last night the cab driver who took me to work and I were talking about having a 4 day weekend because of Christmas, etc.  And I said something like, "Yea. my paycheck will suck, but the time off will be nice."  And he was like, "You don't get paid holidays?"  I told him "No, *name of my employer* doesn't do paid holidays unless you work on the holiday."  And then he's like, "Well yea, but you don't work for *employer* You work for a cleaning company." 

Man...  this made my blood boil.  I told him I actually work for the gym and I left it at that. 

And then when I was actually at work, some random woman came up to me when I was stocking paper towels in the dispensers around the club, and she's like, "I know you don't actually work here, but do you know if they're hiring?"  It was harder to not be angry at this because here I am, wearing the same t-shirt that all the other employees where, and I'm stocking paper towels.  If I didn't work there why the hell would I be wearing their shirt? 

This happens to me a lot and I hate it.  I am really trying to dig down deep and figure out why I hate it so much.  I try to see it from their perspective.  I know the way I look probably plays a huge role in it.  My coworkers look like Barbie and Ken dolls.  I am the token dog.  I get it.  They have to have at least one ugly ass on staff to avoid getting sued for discrimination. 

But I also was thinking about times when the opposite has happened to me, and that always bothers me, too.  Like, I was at Giant Eagle once.  (That's a grocery store, for anyone reading this outside the US.) And I just used the bathroom.  I was walking back from the bathroom when these two ladies stopped me and the one who did the talking had instant attitude.  She was like, "How come the ad says *some product* is  $9.99 but the sign says $11.99?"  And she was really forceful and Karen-esuqe.  I remember what I was wearing.  I had on black Jeans and a Tool hoodie, and black Doc Martens.  My hair was magenta with black tips.  I just stood there for a second trying to figure out what to say.  And then I made a gesture up and down my body like saying, "Look at my clothes."  And I said, "Do you see a Giant Eagle uniform on me?" And then I just walked away.  No clue why Karen and her friend thought I worked there.  But it really irritated me.  I would have been nicer if she wasn't so rude. 

I used to do a lot of volunteering at an animal shelter and also at the rehab center before I got a job there.  It used to piss me off to no end when people would come into the rehab center and just assume I'm a resident.  And it also used to piss me off at the animal shelter when people assumed I was there doing community service. 

The feelings caused by all of this are the same feelings I get when people come into my booth and tell my employee how talented they are and how amazing their paintings are. 

So...  I am a model employee at my job, pretty much.  And everyone assumes I don't work there.  I have a random pissed off lady at Giant Eagle who assumed I did work there, for no logical reason at all.  At the rehab center, people walk in and see someone working the front desk and assume, "She must live here."  And then at the animal shelter people see me and think, "She's being forced to be here because she's a criminal."  At my booth, I can't really explain what they see.  For some reason everyone looks at me and thinks, "There's no way she did all this art."  That's the one that baffles me the most, honestly.  I live in an area that is pretty conservative, and I am heavily tattooed, etc, and a lot of people still associate that with unsavory people.  So I kind of get it.  It makes sense.  But at festivals it doesn't make sense.  I doubt people are thinking, "She's all tatted up. She couldn't possibly be the artist." I would love to ask a customer just once, "Why do you assume I'm not the artist?"   But I won't put my customers on the spot like that. 

All of this is pretty close to my feelings of invisibility.  Feeling like I am not being recognized for what I'm doing.  Or in the case of the Giant Eagle lady, she's having a bad experience in the store, and she automatically picks me out of the crowd to be mad at about it. 

I'm sure it all goes back to childhood... because it usually does.  Not just for me but for most people.  As a kid when something went wrong it was automatically my fault, no matter what.  But if I did something good it was never acknowledged. 

Today is the Winter Solstice.  It was a year ago today I gave D the painting I spent hours on of Baby Girl.  Everyone else I've ever given a painting to as a gift had a lukewarm reaction at best.  None of them ever hung them up, either.  I gave Z a painting and when she left she made it a point to set the painting front and center in the living room so I would see it first thing when I came home from work.  I gave my vendor ex a painting that he never even took home with him.  He opened it here at my house and then just left it here.  I still have it.  He tried to set aside a time to come and get it after we split up.  And I told him no.  I said, "It's been sitting in my studio for 3 years.  You obviously didn't want it that bad.  If you did, you should have taken it home."  If anyone is wondering why I kept it and didn't sell it, it's something very niche and personal to him.  So I doubt anyone would want it.  I have thought about just painting over it and not wasting the canvas.  But a lot of time went into it.  It's hard to just paint over something that took all those hours. 

But D got emotional when he opened the painting of BG.  He hung it up that night when we got back to his house.  I hope it's still there.  I mean, it's his to do with whatever he wants.  But I hope he kept it. 

 

[Cynder]

Good flippin' Gods...  Right as I was finishing up typing that last entry look what song decided to come on.  I am usually not one for all the mushy crap in relationships.  But this song always reminded me of him.  The lines, "I can't believe you actually picked me."  And "I feel like I can fly when I stand next to you." were the two that stood out the first time I heard it at work.  Ever since then, this song has always been associated with him.  And right when I'm writing about his painting of Baby girl... here comes this damn song.  I haven't listened to it since before we broke up.  Maybe the Universe is telling me he kept my painting, idk.  

 

[Cynder]

In writing my entry about people assuming I don't work where I work, etc, there is something else that happened recently that ties into that, in a way as well. 

There is one member at the gym who is absolutely adamant that I gave him Covid.  He called to complain and told the manager that he thinks they should be responsible for his doctor bill because "That girl with the tattoos gave me Covid."  My manager told me about it.  I wasn't in trouble or anything because he's being ridiculous.  I called off when I got really sick and they wouldn't let me come back to work until I had a negative test result.  And even if I was at work while I tested positive, it's not like I go work and make out with the customers and cough and sneeze in their faces and touch them, etc. 

Well the other night he came in and confronted me.  I was mopping the front lobby and he came walking in the door.  He was like, "I haven't worked out in two weeks because you gave me Covid."  And then he was standing there going on and on about all his health problems and all his wife's health problems, saying that if his wife got it she could have died, and he's diabetic and has heart disease, etc.  He told me I was "the only one" he was around.  Ok dude...  I was seriously the only person you interacted with before you got sick?  And I know what this guy does for a living.  He cleans hotel rooms.  Ok... that's a dirty job in the sense that he comes into contact with all kinds of germs. 

When I went to urgent care and they tested me, the nurse there told me there's been a massive spike in cases in our area lately.  I mean, I guess it's possible.  But I doubt he got it from me and even if he did, how could he prove it? 

I stood there for  minutes basically being politely berated by this guy for getting him sick and because I could have killed his wife.  It was so uncomfortable.  I say politely berated because he didn't cuss or raise his voice or anything.  But he was obviously pissed at me and convinced him being sick was entirely my fault. 

But, like the giant eagle lady, he wasn't happy about something, and thought I was a good person to blame.  So, it's like people see me when they are upset and need someone to be pissed off at.  But I am invisible when their experience is positive.  Like, there's a guy who comes in pretty regularly in the morning who loves our Celsius blueberry pomegranate drinks.  And he only likes them when they are cold.  That's a flavor that doesn't sell a lot so they usually don't get stocked much in the cooler.  But I always make sure there's at least one in there so he can have a cold one.  I play music that I know certain customers like when they come in, etc.  There are so many things I do behind the scenes that people don't know about.  (And I don't expect them to know just by osmosis because I do this anonymously) but the second someone has a negative experience, it's "Omg... that girl with eh tattoos..." 

And like at the rehab center...  Most people consider themselves better than drug addicts.  I don't.  How am I any better than a drug addict?  Someone who is struggling with addiction isn't automatically a bad person.  But most of the people who came walking in there probably had the idea that they are "better than" all of the residents.  And they see me and think, "I'm better than her, and she probably lives here." 

Most people think they are better than janitors.  They think, "It's this person's job to clean up after me.  I'm better than them."  And then they walk into the gym and see me and think, "I'm better than her.  She must only be the janitor.  Surely she isn't one of the people who actually handles memberships, etc." 

A lot of people think they are better than anyone working at a festival, too.  I have seen it ease up a little in my time doing them.  But there are a lot of people who have a really negative attitude toward vendors especially.  They have this, "Oh, you're just here to take my money." attitude.  They think we are basically carnies.  They think we are trying to con them out of their hard earned cash.  They think we don't have real jobs.  And also, a lot of people assume the artist isn't actually there working the booth.  People think the artist just hires someone to sell their stuff.  And that's true in some cases, but it's rare.  So, people at festivals see me and think, "She's a con artist who's trying to take my money.  I'm better than her."  I will say, the festival scene is somewhere I don't experience this a lot.  But it happens, a lot more lately unfortunately. 

People assume that someone who is (at least in their eyes) less attractive than them is less of a person than them.  So I think a lot of people look at me and think they are better, and that's where I think most of these assumptions come from.  And it might not even be because they think I'm less attractive.  It might just be because they think I'm different.  And it might be because of my eyes, too.  A lot of people can tell there's something wrong with my eyes.  So it might also be, "Look at her eyes. She is defective. So therefore I'm better." 

It really bothers me when people assume my house isn't my house.  I've gotten this a lot with cab drives over the years.  The worst case of this was when I checked the mail when I came out and then the driver asked me if I"m allowed to do that.  I said, "Well yea, it's my mail."  And he was like, "Well what about the other people's mail?  I'm surprised the people in charge don't get the mail and just hand it out to you guys."  I was like, "What are you talking about?"  And he was like, "Well that's usually how it goes in a halfway house.  They don't just let anyone get the mail."  I said, "Um, my house isn't a halfway house.  It's my house."  He said he just always assumed I lived in a halfway house.  Like... why the hell would you just assume that about someone?  He said it's because my house is big and so he thought a lot of people lived there.  Ok... yes it's a big house.  But there are never any cars in the driveway and you never see anyone else when you're there...  But this was something I thought about for days after.  Like why would this person who gives me rides on a regular basis, who I've had a lot of conversations with, just assume I'm someone who lives in a halfway house? 

This isn't going to change.  So, I need to change the way I think about it.  I need to learn to not take it personally. 

And, the one thread that ties all this together is assumption.  I really hate when people assume things about me.  Maybe because I try so hard to not assume.  I've thought of the times I've assumed things about people that weren't true... and my assumptions usually aren't negative ones.  Like, for a really long time I assumed a member here on ENA lived in NYC and was Jewish.  I have no idea where I got that.  I thought I remembered seeing them post that once but clearly I was thinking of someone else.  My mind decided to settle on her being a Jewish person from NYC and that's what I thought she was for years.  But that's not a negative assumption.  It's not like there's anything wrong with being Jewish and living in NYC.  When I learned this person isn't that, I felt really stupid. 

I assumed someone lady standing up toward the front of a restaurant was an employee once. She was dressed in all black, business casual clothes, and he hair was in a ponytail.  She looked similar to all the waitresses.  And she was standing up front like where a hostess would stand.  So I asked her a question and she didn't work there.  Once again I felt really stupid. 

So, I am not above it either.  There are more examples I can give but I don't have time at the moment.  I'm sure some people reading this are probably thinking,. "Wow, she has plenty of time to talk about all the times people assume things about her but no time to talk about her assuming things."  Well, I have to leave in a few minutes.  I didn't plan on this post being as long as it is. Maybe I'll write more alter about the times I assumed things about people  I don't do it often because I hate when it happens to me, so therefore I try really hard to not do it to others.  And most of my assumptions really are positive or at least neutral.  I don't assume people are doing all kinds of drugs or live on a halfway house.  I also realize that this could be interpreted as "Well, aren't you saying you're better than people who do drugs and live in halfway houses then?" And no, I don't think I"m any better than those people.  But in general, society views those things as negative.  

 

[Cynder]

Well, Needles is drafted.  The entire book, intro, all 27 chapters, and the epilogue.  I still can't believe it...  I've been at this since September of 2021.  Well, sorta.  That's when it started, but I put the whole project on a shelf for a while.  For a time, I was so ridiculously happy that I couldn't get in the headspace to work on it.  Needles is a dark story.  The characters for the most part are miserable.  So when I am as happy as I was there for a while, I just couldn't tap into that energy that I needed to finish this book. 

Then Noodles died, and D got really depressed, and dragged me down with him.  And last season sucked.  And I've been sick so much over the last few months...  I figured, if I'm going to be miserable, something is coming out of this misery, dammit.  A combination of being in a depressed state of mind, and also meeting my coach, W, are the things that really lit the fire under my ass. 

W told me he gets people all the time asking, "Hey, I want to be an author like you, can you read a couple chapters of my book?"  Or he gets, "My sister likes to write hand-puppet erotica in her spare time.  Can I put her in touch with you?"  I imagine it must be like when a Doctor's friends and family always want free medical advice.  I dated a software engineer for years (Aaron, if anyone is wondering who) and everyone he knew always wanted him to fix their computer.  And I even experience this a little being an artist.  I get, "Oh yea?  My niece draws too!"  And then they show me really bad drawings of anime characters, etc.  Not to sound condescending, a lot of the art people show me is awesome or at least has mad potential.  But I do get shown really bad art sometimes and I don't really know what to do because I'm a horrible liar. 

But anyway, when D told W, "Hey, my girlfriend writes some really good stuff.  Are you currently taking new students?"  (I don't know if that's exactly what he said, I wasn't there, but that was the gist.)  W's first thought was, "Oh no... not this again." 

But he was somehow convinced to read one chapter of Needles.  And I guess I really surprised him.  He even told me he was expecting it to really suck because most writing people ask him to read does. 

So, what now?  Well, the first 13 chapters are revised and polished.  So before anything else I will need to revise and polish the last 14 chapters and the epilogue.  If I stick to one chapter a week, including the epilogue, that means I could be finished, like finished for real, ready to send it off, in 15 weeks. 

My goal was to release it by July of 2024.  I still haven't decided if I am going to try for traditional publishing.  If I do that, there's no way it will be out by July.  Traditional publishing is a long process. 

But, W did say finding a traditional publisher would be really difficult for Needles, because it is so dark and violent.  I mean, multiple murders happen in this book.  There is a rape scene in which the victim is a minor (16, so not prepubescent, but still under age.)  There are multiple scenes where minors are beaten up by adults.  I mean, the opening chapter involves a grown man hitting his 15 year old son with a flashlight and then his son fighting back and holding a knife to his father's throat.  That happens within the first ten pages.  And on top of all the violence, there are multiple scenes involving substance abuse, selling/buying drugs, prostitution, underage drinking, trading sex for drugs, sex with married people/adultery, there is suicidal ideation mentioned a few times.  There's a Russian Roulette scene in which one character is being forced to play against his will.  Seriously... Needles is no walk in the park.  But all that violence actually drives the plot.  None of it is gratuitous. 

And at the center of it all, it's a coming of age story.  It's just a really dark coming of age story.  The main character just wants to find his place in the world and feel like he belongs. 

I really do wonder what Z would say if she knew she inspired this.  She ran around with a pretty rough crowd as a teenager and did things she wasn't proud of.  And this one story she told me really struck a nerve after we broke up and I just decided one night to write it down, but I put my spin on it.  And then I wrote about what happened after, and what happened before, etc. Really it's only about 10 pages of the whole book that are even Z-centric.  The rest of it is all me.  If she ever does find out she will probably throw a fit and play the outraged trans victim at the fact that the main character is male.  At first he was male because during the time she did the thing I wrote the original story about, she was male.  But then I decided to keep the male character because it separated it more from her.  And also because I don't think I can write a trans character accurately. 

For the record, I'm not sitting around obsessing over what Z would think.  I just think seeing her reaction would be interesting.  I'm sure it would feed her huge ego too, knowing that someone wrote a whole ass book about her, even though it's not actually about her. She would probably tell anyone who would listen "Oh my God, my ex is so obsessed with me! She wrote a whole book about me! I know, it's sooo messed up right?  Here, here's the book right here. Look!"  

I will likely never know her reaction, and there's a good chance she will never even find out. 

But, a story D told me about his childhood inspired Savage, another really violent novel.  I cranked it out in 3 weeks after we broke up.  And that's a reaction I probably will get to see. We're not enemies.  I will see him at festivals in the future.  I mean it when I say he will get a signed copy.  I even told him when we were together that I had an idea for a book based on this one thing that happened to him as a kid.  He told me to run with it.  Savage is brutal...  I think if I ever get my one star what the F goodreads review that I want, it will probably be for Savage.  

But anyway... Needles is drafted.  I really don't think I've processed it yet.  I think it's so cool that this came out of the absolute worst time in my life.  Something came out of all that pain and misery that will (hopefully) make it all worth it.  And it probably will be self published because W is probably right, in this world obsessed with political correctness, it is probably too offensive for any traditional publishers to pick up.  But one way or another, it's getting published. 

Asking W to give me a deadline and hold me accountable was one of the smartest things I've ever done.  If I wouldn't have asked him to crack the whip and stay on me like he has, I would probably still be stuck on chapter 3 like I was for months.  (Keep in mind I wrote it all out of order.  I wrote the last half first.  So Chapter 3 was being written pretty far into the process.  But that chapter took me so long to get through.  Then once I had a deadline, I cranked it right out. 

So, now I sleep, tomorrow I rest my writer brain and wake up my artist brain. 

 

[Cynder]

I've been having a lot of really messed up dreams lately.  I don't know why. 

Last night I dreamt that I was a teenager and went to live with this other family.  This was a pretty common motif in my dreams when I actually was a teenager.  But I haven't had one of those dreams in a long time.  It was always some foster care type of situation and the people I lived with were always so nice.  My Mom used to threaten to send me to foster care when I was a kid.  It was always used as a scare tactic but it never really scared me because I remember thinking foster care couldn't be much worse than where I am now, and it might even be better. 

So last night I dreamt about being a teenager and being sent to live with this other family.  They lived out in the country and they were really nice people.  The Mom asked me if I wanted to get up and go for a run with her the next morning.  And I was all excited about this.  As a teenager I actually did like to run.  I got made fun of for it, of course.  So it's interesting that years later I'm dreaming about this foster family where the Mom also liked to run and she asked if I wanted to go for a run with her. 

And last night I also dreamt that I was in this house with all these people I didn't know and I basically got tricked into drinking Ayahuasca...  which I don't think is possible, honestly.  I mean, you could slip a few drops of it in someone's drink and maybe make them feel a little funny for a few minutes.  But to get someone to drink an actual dose without them noticing would be impossible because it tastes like ass.  And from what I understand it smells even worse.  (I have no sense of smell so I have no clue what it smells like.)  But somehow in this dream I was tricked into drinking a pretty high dose, and I was terrified.  I went running into the bathroom and was sticking my fingers down my throat trying to make myself throw up so I could get it out of my stomach before it had time to kick in, etc.  (Because it does take a little while to kick in, so if anyone ever found themself in that situation, making themself sick would probably be the best course of action.) 

I know some people reading this are probably confused by this, wondering why I would react that way if I took it against my will if it was such a positive force in my life.  Well, I would react that way because no one should ever have that experience when they don't want it.  It would be like a rape of the mind, basically.  Instead of forcing someone to physically do something they don't want to do, you would be forcing someone's mind to go places it's not ready to go. 

But in the dream, I couldn't make myself throw up, and I was just sitting on the bathroom floor trying to get a grip on things and not panic.  And I woke up before it kicked in, thankfully. 

But I've also had dreams where I took it willingly and went on these mind blowing journeys in my sleep. 

And over the last week or so, I've dreamt about D a lot.  But the dreams are never anything crazy or anything profound, either.  Usually I am just out somewhere and run into him.  His roommate messaged me again the other day and asked me about coloring her hair.  She also told me he wished me a happy Winter Solstice.  I told her to tell him the same from me.  I don't celebrate Christmas in the religious sense.  I am not convinced Jesus even existed, and if he did, we don't know his birthday.  The Church just aligned his birthday with the Winter Solstice to get the Pagans to convert.  I'm not a Christian but I'm not a Pagan either.  I don't label myself as anything.  All religion is man made and I don't think any of them really got it right.  Since my NDE I have an understanding of what's really out there and where we really go when we die.  That made any man made attempt to explain it seem futile. 

So, I told myself I was going to paint yesterday.  Then I realized finishing the draft of Needles was within my grasp last night.  And so I told myself I would do that last night and paint today.  Now I am procrastinating, writing here, and thinking "I need to clean.  I need to take a shower.  I should watch this one movie I haven't seen in forever... Etc.."  Because for some reason I'm afraid to paint.  I don't know why.  But I just can't bring myself to do it.  One way or another, I have to, though.  Because I have a show coming. 

 

[Cynder]

I am editing Chapter 17 right now...  I have one character who was raised in a very strict, fundamentalist Christian family.  He is having doubts about everything he's been taught all his life.  And he lies to his parents and goes to meet a friend who is the very definition of a bad influence.  (At least what a fundamentalist would call a bad influence anyway.) 

They go for a drive and she asks if he has any requests, as far as what to listen to.  And he asks her to play anything that's not Christian music, because that's really all he knows.  He is home schooled, and very sheltered.  So, his only exposure to any other music has been in stores and stuff where they have music playing, etc.  So he asks to hear something that isn't Christian music, and she plays Tool.  And as they are driving around, he gets really sucked into the music. 

I just want to share this paragraph because I'm really proud of it.  It was hard for me to get in the headspace of a Christian who has never heard music like this.  I was raised Catholic, but my parents never kept anything from us as far as music, etc.  I grew up listening to whatever I want and watching whatever I want.  But, I am really proud of this paragraph.  I think I nailed it perfectly. 

"The music drew him in, its sound having a texture of its own. He’d never heard anything resembling these pulsing drums and distorted guitars, primal energy unlike anything he had experienced in church hymns. New sensations and thoughts that his sheltered life had never allowed awakened inside him. He now understood why some churches didn’t allow any music at all.  He was being taken on a journey beyond the borders of sound itself, and into uncharted spiritual territory.  His father would have said this was evil, but all he could do was surrender to the experience."

 Ok, I'm done bragging.    

[Cynder]

W asked for a chapter a week.  And in the last seven days I've completed 5 chapters and sent them to him.  It's all going so fast now since we are into the part of the book that I already wrote.  The first 12 or so chapters I sent were chapters I had to write before sending over.  Now all I have to do is edit them before sending them.  Then once he goes through and sends me his notes, that's when I do the final edit. 

I have ten chapters to go and then the epilogue.  So close to the finish line. 

The lady who released the book I did cover art for recently invited me to her release party this week.  She wants me there as the cover artist, but also she wants me to meet some people in the industry that she knows. 

This is an industry where who you know matters.  So, hopefully me being me doesn't screw it up.  

But, I also don't want to have unrealistic expectations.  I don't write for the mainstream.  My work isn't something most publishers will be interested in. 

I already had one beta reader give up on Needles.  She told me outright that she lost interest around chapter 13 when the second cast of characters was introduced.  The first 12 chapters follows one group of people.  Then there are another 12 or so chapters following a different group of people.  Then in the third act, they all come together.  In the final version I'm not sure if it will be laid out that way.  It might end up being alternating chapters.  That's something I need W to help me with.  The first cast is a group of drug dealers, basically.  The second cast centers around a kid with a really sheltered life and how he got pulled into that world.  So it's interesting that she chose to nope out as soon as the sheltered Christian made his appearance, lol.  I'm not upset.  I appreciate her honesty.  This is why beta readers exist. 

I actually have a former drug dealer reading this book.  And she loves it.  I love that I could get an ex dealer to read it, lol.  I wanted to know if that aspect of the story was accurate.  And according to her it is. 

I've joked around with people about how the most wholesome thing that happens in this book is a Christian being corrupted.  It's true, too. I'm sure Christians will be offended.  And I don't care.  I'm not portraying them in a negative light.  One of them just loses his faith and come over to the darkside in my story.  And he's Pentecostal, which I am pretty familiar with because I attended a Pentecostal church for almost a year in my teens.  I made him something I could write accurately about so I wouldn't have to try to do research and have a bunch of people getting pissed at me just for asking questions... because apparently you're not allowed to do that online in 2023.  Asking CPS workers how they would handle a certain situation got me called a pedo.  Asking Native Americans about their take on death and their funeral customs got me called a racist.  I've learned my lesson, lol. 

I have someone coming over tonight to look at L's old room.  They offered to clean it for me and I said if they do I'll only charge half for their first month's rent.  I would be basically paying them to clean the room.  This time everything will be in writing, too.  I regret not getting everything in writing with L.  I was stupid enough to think that after knowing her 20 years I could trust her.  But now I know, trust no one.  I've known this person about as long.  But that doesn't mean I trust them to not do what L did. 

Anyway, bed time. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Cynder]

So, I told myself I was going to take one night to just relax.  That lasted all of 5 minutes before I decided I wanted to edit the chapter I'm currently working on.  And I asked myself why I can't just let myself slow down once in a while.  And, at least for tonight, it's because if I do I will start thinking about how I'm sitting here home alone on New Year's Eve, and last year I was surrounded by people I love and thought I would be around for a long time. 

So I started doing basic edits.  And I had YouTube playing in the background like I always do.  And this video popped up that was 20 minutes of NDE stories. 

I think I needed to hear that.  No one's NDE is exactly the same.  But a few things that stood out in the video (because they were things I experienced, too.) One thing was seeing colors you can't describe.  I remember seeing colors that don't exist in the spectrum that the human eye can see.  And as an artist it was almost frustrating on some level because I wished I could paint with those colors.  Another thing was knowing everything all at once.  That was the thing that happened to me that really got me.  I knew the answer to every question I could have ever thought to ask, and I knew it all at once.  I've had people ask why I didn't write it all down...  Uh, well because I was kinda incapacitated at the time. I was literally dying.  How was I supposed to just pick up a pen and start writing?  

The next thing ties into that, actually.  A lot of people who have NDEs are given a choice to go back or stay where they are.  Or some being approaches them and tells them it's not their time and they have to go back.  I didn't experience that.  I knew the whole time I wasn't staying.  I knew this was all temporary and that I was going back.  And I knew everything all at once, and I knew I wasn't going to remember most of it.  I was only going to remember what I needed to remember when I go "back down"  Back down was how I was referring to it in my head, too.  I thought of being alive as going back down there. 

I guess it's a good thing (depending on who you ask) that I wasn't given a choice because there's no way I would have came back here.  If someone would have given me that choice I would have stayed dead.  And I've wondered if I really was supposed to come back or if this is all just borrowed time.  Because it seems like the world got a lot meaner after I came back. Maybe the reason people don't see me, and the reason strangers who don't even know me treat me bad is because they can sense that I'm not supposed to be here. 

But also, if it really was my time, I would be gone.  So, thinking like that makes literally no sense.  I wouldn't have come back if I wasn't supposed to come back.  We all come here on a mission and mine isn't completed yet. 

And there were people in the video talking about how they started meditating after, etc.  I've been meditating since I was 16, and after my NDE I did every day, and over the last couple years I just stopped.  Maybe it's time to get back to that.  I really want to start going to Yoga again, too.  But I just can't afford it right now.  Yoga classes are a luxury.  Until then, if I really decide I want to do it, there are videos on YouTube.  It's not the same as going to the studio, though.  Aerial Yoga was the big thing for me, and I can't do that at home, lol.  I wouldn't trust these 120 year old ceilings to hold an aerial rig in my house. 

But, I think I should start making a better effort to take care of myself.  If I need to be here to fullfill a purpose, I might as well be healthy while doing it.  I've slacked off a lot over the last month.  I went from hardly ever eating fast food to eating fast food twice this week. 

But back to some things in the video...  I did have the experience of looking at myself from above.  That was pretty surreal.  Most people never see themselves in 3D form.  We only see ourselves in a mirror, which is flat.  Seeing myself in 3 dimensional form was really a trip.  I was literally on the ceiling looking down at myself and the people tending to me, and I remember wondering who was going to feed my cat, and also hoping they call my brother first and not my Mom. 

People's thoughts when they realize what's happening to them are an interesting topic all on their own.  D had a near death experience, too.  He overdosed and was brought back with Narcan.  And he told me when he realized he was dying, his first thought was, "I'll never dive a car again." 

The places people go, too.  A lot of people describe being in a garden.  I've also heard in a river a couple times.  For me, the only place I remember was in a forest at night by a camp fire with a Shaman who was wearing a head dress with huge antlers.  He was ancient and I had a whole conversation with him telepathically.  There were other people there too, and I didn't recognize any of them but they all seemed really familiar, if that makes any sense. 

D told me he was in an underground cave with a similar ancient being.  And it handed him a clear globe and inside he saw his whole life play through like a movie.  And he actually was given a choice.  He decided to come back because of his son. 

I think the universe wanted me to see this video tonight when I was feeling  unloved and unwanted.  I guess in the end it doesn't really matter if other people love me and want me around.  I do have a reason to be here and I am living my purpose.  And whatever powers that exist beyond what we know love me.  I guess that's all that really matters in the end. 

Been listening to The Silence of the Lambs audiobook the last few nights.  This song will always be associated with that movie for me...  (I really want to tell the Silence of the lambs story one day in here... my first time seeing it is an interesting story.  Once day I'll write it here.) And there's also a chapter in my novel called Goodbye Horses. 

 

[Cynder]

So, I worked on Asylum a lot over the weekend.  I have the first 10 chapters drafted.  This was really one where I stepped out of my comfort zone a little bit.  Asylum has a lot of sex in it.  And I'm not a prude by any means.  Sex doesn't offend me, etc.  But I hate writing sex scenes.  Biggest reason is because they are hard to write and all my sex scenes either read like a horny teenager wrote them or they read like a scientist observing the human reproductive act wrote them.  Like, it's either too close to erotica or it's too cold and intellectual.  I used to get a little tipsy before writing a sex scene.  That was my go to.  But Asylum has a lot of them in the first few chapters.  I can't just get tipsy for every scene. 

In the beginning of the story, the main character is a stripper who also sells herself to customers willing to pay the right price.  And she does some work in adult films on the side.  And this has pretty much been her life since her teens.  And then she meets someone she actually falls in love with and so she experiences an actual connection for the first time in her life.  But that connection is all BS because he ends up abusing her. 

Part of my goal with this novel is to show what it's actually like being in an abusive relationship.  But... it's also a horror novel.  So it's not just, girl meets guy, they fall in love, guy is an as*hole, girl walks away, the end.  I want the readers to fall in love with the guy, too, and then know how it feels when that all starts to deteriorate.  So, the first few chapters are really erotic.  And I know people are reading this thinking, "Having lots of sex doesn't equal being in love!"  Yes, I know.  But when people are newly in love they usually have a lot of sex.  That early stage of a relationship where they can't keep their hands off each other, etc... that happens early on in the book.  I'm actually pretty proud of myself because I wrote a lot of good sex scenes without alcohol, lol.  I actually got that advice from another writer a while back.  They told me if I ever am having a hard time writing a scene, no matter what kind of scene, either get a little drunk first r get stoned first. 

There are so many books out there, and movies, that romanticize abusive relationships.  Fifty Shades is the biggest example.  This is a novel that doesn't romanticize it at all.  And since it's a horror novel, you can probably imagine the direction it goes, at least somewhat, lol. 

 

[Cynder]

Well, I've been tapped 3 times this week.  Two of the three I am going to do.  But one show who invited me literally has a 20k vending fee.  That's not a typo.  Not 2k.  20k. But tbh, I wonder if the person who tapped me made a typo.  That is what they said.  But I don't see how it could be 20k to vend at a festival here in my area when Cocahella has a 7.5k vending fee.  So, considering one of the biggest festivals in the country charges not even half that, 20k doesn't really make sense.  But either way...  I can't afford it this year even if it is only 2k.  But if it's only 2K, might be worth looking into for next year, if I get tapped again.  Unfortunately most of the time you only get one tap.  If they invite you once and you tell them no they don't bother with you again. 

As much as I want to be, I can't get excited about this season.  Last year I had higher hopes than I've ever had for any season, and last year was the biggest let down ever. 

I'm going to try for WCF this year again.  Last year they rejected me.  WCF is this massive event that happens practically in my back yard.  I mean, every year people I know go to it and they always ask if they can park at my place.  Which is fine.  Every year I hear the music from it.  I usually go for at least one day. It's a 6 day long event.  

I've had people telling me I should do it ever since I started vending.  And until last year I didn't feel ready.  I mean, 6 days is a long time.  The vending hours are 11-11 every day.  It's a big undertaking.  And then time off work is a factor, too.  I have a job that will let me take that time off.  But if I do and I don't make a lot of money, I'm kinda screwed.  I know other vendors who do it, and they all do well.  So, this year I'm applying again. 

The gallery show next month is coming together.  I have all 15 paintings.  I'm just doing the busy work now, installing hanging hardware, writing artist statements, etc. 

I am making what I think is a really brave decision.  I am putting my nude and bloody self portrait in the show.  There's a lot of emotion in it.  I always said no one would ever see it.  Now a lot of people will see it.  Around that same time I also did a painting of a fly feeding on an open wound.  That one is going in, too.  I have three paintings I did a few years ago that were about being sexually abused.  They represent Isolation, Anger and Shame.  I'm putting those three in the show, too.  I also have a self portrait that I did in all tones of pink and purple.  That's going in.  Basically the concept behind this show is that I'm taking all the paintings that are sitting in my closest that I never planned to show out and showing them.  The show is called Unseen.  And that's fitting, since I feel unseen most of the time and since I'm visually impaired.  Then there are a few older paintings that I just didn't think were very good, that I reworked with frog tape. 

Anyway...  I need to go get some work done before I head off to work, lol. 

 

[Cynder]

It's so frustrating trying to come up with a title for anything...  Now that anyone can publish a book, it seems like EVERY title is taken.  I still don't have a real title for Needles yet.  Every time I think of one, it's taken.  And yea, two books can have the same title.  But it's better if your title is original.  There is a lot of insect symbolism all throughout the book.  Flies, maggots, cicadas...  all mentioned multiple times.  There is one scene where a dead body is referred to as "A kingdom for maggots."  And that would be such a cool title.  And it's actually not taken.  But the issue is that really implies horror.  And Needles isn't really a horror novel. 

My main character's last name is Crow, and his last name is pretty significant for multiple reasons.  And the girl he ends up with has two crows tattooed on her.  But anything having to do with crows as a title is taken. 

A good concept that is consistent throughout the book is that there is this undercurrent in this town...  So many people turn a blind eye to it.  This smallish Midwestern city where people live in tract houses and go to PTA meetings, etc.  But behind the scenes a lot of really messed up stuff happens.  Like, my main character is a drug dealer.  And a lot of his customers are upstanding people in the city.  And so there's this underlying theme of a city that looks good on paper that seems like such a good place to raise a family, but behind the scenes it's only a facade. 

When I was 13 I came close to drowning at a lake that I went to with my cousins. (I almost drown when I was 4, too...  I'm not kidding.  Me and water don't get along apparently.)  But when I was 13 the guy who saved me was actually a drug dealer.  It's not like I knew that at the time.  It's not like he said, "Hey, glad I could help.  By the way I'm a drug dealer."  But he kept in touch with me.  He knew who my parents were and he also used to hang out at the skatepark where I want a lot as a teenager.  And he had this big brother kind of attitude toward me.  He was about 5 years older and he always seemed really protective when I saw him. 

Well, a few years after he saved me from drowning he was murdered. That's how I found out he was a drug dealer.  I honestly had no clue before that.  But when he was killed it was all people talked about around town for a while.  And people kept saying the cops know who did it but they were too afraid to go after them.  And I talked to my counselor about it.  Turns out my counselor knew him, too.  He was a patient of hers.  And she told me he was really mixed up in the drug trade, and he had a lot of enemies. I don't know how she was legally allowed to tell me this.  I'm sure it violated HIPAA or something.  But maybe those laws don't apply the same way when someone is dead, idk. 

So, during this time in my life when my parents didn't give two craps about me, I had this guy who watched out for me when he could... and he was what society would call a bad guy.  Jeez, it's been a long time since I thought about him.  His name was Jason. 

But in the city I live in, there have been a lot of unsolved murders.  Drugs are a serious problem here, meth is the big one right now.  When I worked at the rehab center heroin was the problem.  And it still is.  But now meth is a bigger issue.  There have been multiple murder suicides here.  It seems like every ten years or so someone snaps and kills their whole family and then kills themself.  And all these families are the textbook definition of a nice family, or at least what most people think of when they think of a nice family.  It's always the successful husband, the beautiful wife, the honor student kids, etc. 

When I was a kid I had a Cockatiel.  And we used to go to this one store to get food for him.  Well, the guy who owned that pet store shot and killed his whole family and then shot himself.  This happened when I was maybe 10.  And my dad told me all about it in gory detail.  He's like, "Yea, he asked his wife to come out ot the garage when it was night time and he shot her in the head.  And then he went upstairs and shot his kids in their sleep.  And then he laid down in the bathtub and shot himself.  And his brother dropped by the next day and found all the bodies..."  Being a kid and hearing about that was really messed up because I remembered going there to get bird food and they always seemed so happy. 

But a lot of the "bad people" here are actually not awful people.  And if you drove through my city you would think this is an idyllic place.  It has this look and vibe of being this perfect city where everything is awesome. 

But anyway... that's the underlying theme behind Needles.  It's a coming of age story set in a place like this where the three main characters, all teenagers, have really messed up families.  But their families are all messed up for completely different reasons.  One character has parents that have sheltered him to the point of fault.  And he's 17 and doesn't know anything about the world.  One character is pretty much raising herself because she has absentee parents, etc.  The character that is the main character above all others has what everyone would think of as cool parents.  But behind closed doors he gets beat up on the regular.  He runs off and ends up living with a drug dealer who is one of the first people to show him any real kindness.  He ends up going down this path, getting further and further involved in selling drugs. He does things he never thought he was capable of, etc. 

One of my favorite documentaries ever is Cropsey.  It's really creepy, but it's also really well made and tells a really interesting story.  It's about a series of disappearances in the 70s and 80s in Staten Island.  And there's this part toward the beginning where this lady is talking about how there's this undercurrent on Staten Island, where people think it's this nice place to live, but there's this darker side, etc.  

But yea...  I'm not going to summarize the whole book.  I really hope a title will come to me when the time is right. I've thought of a few that are all taken.  And even if not by a book, a band, a song, an album, etc.  Another reason to have an original name...  if people Google your book, you want them to find your book, not some band or album or some other book.  

Anyway...  Bed time. 

 

[Cynder]

Been up all night putting finishing touches on paintings and editing chapters of Needles.  I submitted one chapter to my editor earlier and I started my checklist on the next chapter.  I got through the first big round of checks. 

My perfectionism is a little bit of a fault when it comes to my writing.  I am not a perfectionist when it comes to anything else, though.  I mean, for my art, I have standards.  I won't show paintings that aren't up to those standards.  But I don't obsess over every brush stroke, etc.  When I write I obsess over every word.  Well, it's more accurate to say I do that when I edit.  Because when I write I just let everything flow and don't think about all the rules.  I am not sitting there thinking, "Well, I can't end a sentence with a preposition," etc.  I just write and fix all that stuff later.  When I edit though...  any word that isn't necessary gets deleted.  Anything that could be replaced with something better gets replaced.  The chapter I was working on earlier had a word count of about 3600 to start with and when I was done editing it had about 2300 words.  I'm a minimalist writer.  I whittle it down. 

I took me a long time to get the hang of active and passive voice.  That's one of those things where once you get it, you can't unsee it.  I used to be so bad about writing is passive voice.  I also used to have a real problem with filtering.  That's another one that once you get it you get it.  And now it drives me nuts when I see other authors doing it.  Instead of, "He realized he was being followed." It should be "He was being followed." 

There are some chapters in Needles that are kind of... boring.  I won't deny it.  There is some down time with the characters.  Those chapters do have a role in the plot and they give the reader a chance to breath.  Every chapter can't be full of murder and drug use all the time.  It my whole cast of characters just ran around shooting up and committing crimes all the time no one would care what happens to them.  Most people would just be like, "These people are scumbags.  I'm not interested in what happens to them."  But my cast is flawed.  They are people like everyone else who have made bad decisions.  So, those chapters are necessary.  Characters should be complex and nuanced. But editing them is frustrating.  I find myself thinking, "Gods... if I was reading this this is probably a part I would skim through just to get back to the action."  I know it's my job as the author to make it not that way.  But it's a matter of preference.  A subplot revolves around a teenage couple who run off together.  And there are parts of the book where they are acting so in love.  And I don't read love stories.  So, to me personally... that would bore me.  But in a few chapters one of those characters bludgeons someone to death with a hammer and the other one overdoses, so... there happiness and being so in love is short lived.  But no one would care that one of them overdoses and the other one gets charged with murder if they didn't see them all happy and in love first, etc. 

And there's already another book in the making that will come out of this one.  This book started as an anthology.  It was a bunch of short stories that are all connected and all take place in the same city.  But the more I wrote, the more I wanted to focus on the stories of these people, and so I started really developing their stories.  And that is now Needles.  But there are still all these other stories I wrote that are connected to these people and take place in the same city.  So, once Needles is done, it's like I have this other book almost all ready to go.  And I have a solid title for the other book that isn't taken.  I just need to come up with an original title for Needles, now.  I have a few ideas for titles that aren't taken.  But I only feel lukewarm about all of them, and some of them sound too fantasy.  Like, my main character's last name being Crow is a big deal in the story.  And anything I come up with with the word crow in it that isn't taken sounds like a fantasy novel.  And that's because a lot of fantasy readers associate crows with Game of Thrones. 

There is also a lot of references to Cicadas in the book.  But anything with cicadas is risky too because a lot of people don't know what cicadas are.  People call them locusts.  I have a cicada tattoo and people compliment me on it and say they like my locust tattoo.  The 17 year life cycle of the cicada is something that is mentioned in the book more than once because it lines up with when certain things happen.  The whole book takes place over a span of about 17 years. 

But anyway... it will comes to me one of these days.  I'll just be going about my day and it will pop into my head.  And then I will search it and it won't be taken.  And then I will go buy the domain name or something just so I have ownership of it.  There are ways to lock down the title of your book.  I need to talk to my mentor about that. 

Well, now I'm going to go relax for a little bit because I've had a very productive 12 hours.  I know there are people here who think my entire life revolves around substance abuse that that all I do is sit around doing drugs and drinking all day.  But, my true addiction is my creativity.  And I don't plan on quitting, ever. 

 

[Cynder]

Ok, I just saw something that really got to me.  I wish I could just learn to not let this stuff bother me. 

There is a festival that I've been involved in from it's very inception in 2015.  I was one of the first vendors.  I am also the admin of the vendor group on FB which has about 3k people in it.  At first it was me and the two organizers running it, but they both stepped down over time and passed both torches to me.  So I run the whole group.  Theres a lot of drama in that group that I deal with, etc.  I approve all the posts.  I ban those who need banned. 

Well, over the last few days the organizer has been posting stuff in there thanking all these people.  Like, "Ok, lets all give Joe a hand, he was one of my first vendors!"  "Let's all give Sally a hand, she answers all the festival related emails!"  "Lets hear it for Bill!  He helps me unload and set up my tent every year!" Well, tonight he announced he's done thanking people and tagged all the people he thanked in one last post.  And of course, I was never mentioned. I'm not going to be the whiny baby who says, "Hey what about me? I run this group that gets a lot of traffic and it takes time out of my day every day, and I do it for free."  I won't do that because no one does that.  It's just one more thing that makes me feel completely invisible. 

I really wish I could get to a point where stuff like that doesn't bother me.  I wish I didn't even notice.  But since I'm the admin of the group, I see the activity there every day. 

I would never do this but I just made myself laugh thinking I could just be super petty and ban him from the group.  I wouldn't actually do that, but it's funny that I have the authority to do so.  I would ban him and he'd message me like, "Hey, what the hell?"  And I'd be like, "Exactly, what the hell?  Been running this group for 7 years.  I've never gotten a thank you."  That would get the point across, I'm sure. 

He also gives anyone who does even the most menial task for him a discount on their booth.  I've never gotten a discount, ever.  I'm guessing he probably just doesn't like me.  And that's fine.  I don't expect everyone to like me.  But if he doesn't like me maybe he should just tell me and then find another person to run his festival's FB group. 

I could message him and just tell him I was hurt that everyone else who helps him in any capacity got thanked in the group and I didn't.  But that won't solve anything.  Then he will just go make a post thanking me that will be fake.  He didn't think to do it on his own, so if I say something and he does it, it will only be to shut me up and avoid hurt feelings, not because he really thinks I deserve to be thanked. 

I was in a good mood, now I just feel sad.  I wish I could get passed it all and just accept that I am invisible to most of the world, even people I help for free. 

I suppose I could try thinking of myself as someone who operates behind the scenes and learn to embrace my roll as an invisible person.  I do random acts of kindness and go out of my way to be anonymous when I do them.  I could just start thinking of everything as a random act of kindness that I want to do anonymously.  I don't know if that's practical, though.  I don't want to exist anonymously.  It's not like I started running this group so I would be thanked.  I could also see it that way.  I was asked to do it, and I did it. I could have said no.  I don't mind doing it.  It's not a huge inconvenience for me.  It would have just been nice to be acknowledged. 

It wouldn't bother me if this was just one isolated incident.  But this kind of thing happens to me all the time.  No one sees me.  And the one person who did isn't in my life anymore...  at least not to any capacity where it matters. 

 

[Batya33]

I'm sorry you didn't feel recognized or acknowledged! Also what you wrote about linked short stories -have you ever read Zadie Smith? I think her short stories are called Grand Union -I am not sure if those are the ones that are connected (Elizabeth Strout has done this -really good - if I'm remembering right) but somehow when reading what you wrote I thought about Zadie Smith -she's very well known now and actually her writing doesn't click with me but I know she's really good!  Reading a lot makes me a better writer for sure.

[Cynder]

I took a nap earlier and I had a dream that involved multiple gray kittens, me losing one of my shoes, and also hanging out with Satan (who was in the form of a soft spoken old man) and him asking me to call up D's sister so he could talk to her.  Which I did.  After I handed him the phone I walked away to go look for my shoe. 

I don't know what's most interesting about this...  The fact that in the dream world I am on good enough terms with DS to just all her up, or the fact that Satan wants to talk to her, or the fact that in the dream world I am on friendly terms with Satan. 

And I couldn't find my other show at all, anywhere.  And Satan left one of his shoes behind.  So I thought maybe when he left he put my show on by mistake.  Which means Satan has small feet in the dream world, lol. 

I thought about texting D and telling him, "Hey I just dreamt that Satan had me call up your sister.  He wanted to talk to her because she's in some deep sh*t, lol. I don't remember what all was said about the call before I made it.  But that was the tone.  It wasn't about to be a pleasant phone call.  I remember walking away thinking, "Yea, she's in some trouble now," and laughing to myself.  

[Cynder]

I keep my phone on vibrate and do not disturb mode a lot more than I should.  When I'm at home working on stuff and don't want to be bothered it's silenced in some way, and then I also silence it when I sleep.  Well, last night when I was writing about the Satan dream involving D's sister, I typed out a text to him telling him about it and then deleted the text.  Partly because I didn't know if he was asleep or not...  but mostly because I didn't want to talk about his sister.  I knew that would just open up dialogue about her and I would rather erase that woman from my memory.  Yea, it was fun going on Discord for a little while there and silently laughing at her, knowing she tells all kinds of lies there about what a successful publishing company owner she is and how her husband was a bestselling author.  But after a while the novelty wore off and I just left that server and blocked her on Discord.  But anyway, I didn't want to talk about her, so I didn't text him. 

Well, a few hours ago I looked at my phone to check email, and I saw I had a few texts from him that were sent right after that.  That kind of stuff used to happen all the time when we were together and I loved it then.  Now it just reminds me of all the things I loved about being with him that I lost and won't get back.  He always said we called/texted each other at the same time because we are soul bonded and all that.  I'm a massive skeptic about all that. 

Anyway...  I edited another chapter tonight and finished painting all the stretcher bars for all the show canvases.  I also ordered my frames for the ink drawings I am putting in the show.  I decided to throw some of my ink in there, too.  My ink drawings don't do that well at festivals.  Idk...  people are less likely to buy what they think they can make themselves.  And I get a lot of weird responses when people ask what medium hat is and I tell them it's literally ball point pen. I like using non traditional mediums, too.  I used to draw a ton with ball point pens when I was younger because I didn't have access to fine art pens.  

People act like my ink drawings are cheap and like their not real art.  Using a medium that everyone has access to and you can find cheap just about anywhere doesn't mean it's not real art.  So, I think they will do better in a gallery because people are looking for things that break the mold in a gallery.  A lot of my ball point drawings take over 25 hours.  It's very time consuming.  So, I feel like a gallery is also the only place I can get away with charging what they're actually worth. 

Anyway...  sleepy time. 

 

[Cynder]

It's a cold snowy day today, and I'm about to curl up in bed and fall asleep to some netflix or something.  And this song just came on...  I just wanted to share it because it's such a perfect winter song.  Even though it's not about winter, depending on how you interpret it. I've just always associated it with this time of year. 

And I saw these guys live in Norway!  (Pretty funny considering they are an American band and I am American.)

 

[Cynder]

Tonight I was reminded why I don't do much freelance graphic design work.  I worked as a graphic designer professionally for years.  I designed a lot of band Ts, etc, for a music merch company.  It was a really cool feeling when I would see someone walking around in a Bob Marley shirt or something that I designed.  I left that job because I was paid beans, had no benefits, no vacation, no opportunity for advancement, etc.  Other office politics caused me to leave too, but that's a whole other post. 

But I got hired to do a logo for a friend's fledgling business recently.  At first I told him I would do it for $50 because the sketch he gave me was really basic.  Script font, black and white, etc.  I saw that and I was thinking, I can do that in 10 minutes.  I actually felt like I was over charging him because it was so simple. 

But the issue with any kind of graphic design work... everyone thinks they can do it.  People don't understand the tech aspect of it either.  Like, I've had people send me a 2x2 inch 72 DPI photo and not understand why I can't blow it up to poster size.  I mean yea, I could... but it's going to look awful.  I've had people ask me to put a black font on a black background and not understand why that won't work.  I try to explain that you won't be able to see it, and they jsut can't grasp that concept for some reason. 

But anyway...  I start going through script fonts, showing them to him.  He couldn't pick one font.  He's like, "Well, I like the lowercase e in this one, and I like the N in this one, etc.  So his logo consists of two words, but it is made up of multiple script fonts that I put together and made look seamless.  Then he wants the letters shaded.  So I did that.  And he told me he loved it, so now the words are done.  All I have to do is add this one other item he wants next to the words.  So I rasterized the type.  Rasterized two is easier to work with, it makes the file size smaller, etc.  I told him "I'm going to rasterize the type now.  That means I can't do any type based edits after this point."  He said that was fine.  Well, after I do that he tells me he wants it all in bold.  Ok, so I basically have to start all over now.  I told him I can do it, but it's going to drive the price up. 

I really need the money otherwise I would be tempted to tell him to do his own damn logo. He gave me a sketch... then he started making all these extra requests.  The sketch as two words in pretty script.  And he wanted a little shading done.  Then it's "Well can you move the one word under the other one?  Over to the left a little.  Well that's too far, over back to the right...  a little further...  that's too far.  Ok that's good.  Well now can you add this object into it, right next to the words?  Ok the lettering looks good.  I like the shading.  Ok, the type is rasterized.  Well, can you make it bold?  Can you make this one line in this one letter a little thicker?  Can you shade this a little more?" 

This is why I don't take these jobs very often. 

 

[Cynder]

I need to come up with some way to not be annoyed at my future roommate.  I've known her since about 2000.  Maybe this is something I never noticed before, maybe it's a new personality trait, but she asks a lot of questions, like to the point of ridiculousness, about things that don't really concern her.  I know some people are just inquisitive. I just get really uncomfortable when I have ten questions fired at me one after another, and about things that shouldn't even matter to the person asking. 

She was over tonight and these two conversations happened, the first one about my stove, but it started over a muffin I was eating. 

Her "Is that a cranberry muffin?

Me: Yeah.

Her:  DO you not like blueberry muffins?

M:  Yea I like them,  But I also like cranberry muffins.

H: Have you ever had cranberry cookies?

M: No, I don't think I have.

H:  If your oven works I'll make some.

M: Cool

H Your oven does work, right?

M Yeah

H  Does it have a good temperature?

M:  Well I mean, what exactly is a good temperature?  I just set the temp to whatever it calls for for what I'm baking.

H:  But it keeps a good temp?

M:  Well, I assume so.  The stuff I bake always turns out right, so...

H:  Well, what have you used it for?

M:  Idk, I baked some chicken last night.  Salmon, brownies, ziti, eggplant parm, I've had that stove for 7 years.  I've baked a lot of things in it.

H:  And stuff comes out right?

M: Yeah. 

H:  So why do you use an electric griddle then?

M:  I lived in an apartment for four years with no gas.  I got used to cooking on a griddle then and I still use it a lot out of convenience. 

The other conversation is about a bottle of absinthe on the liquor shelf in my kitchen. 

H:  So what's up with that skull bottle?

M:  It's absinthe. 

H:  Well it's not real.  Real absinthe isn't legal in the states. 

M:  It's from Germany. 

H:  I'm surprised they let you bring it back into the country.

M:  I ordered it and it was shipped here. 

H: Well you know that's against the law right?

M:  Well, it must be legal on some level because they shipped it here.  I had to sign for it, so if I broke the law I'm sure they would have arrested me by now.

H:  What shipping company did you use?

M:  I don't remember, it was 3 years ago. 

H:  That explains why it's so dark.  Absinthe is supposed to be caramel colored, not dark like that.  I doubt it's still good to drink. 

M: It's black absinthe.  It's that color because it was dyed.  True absinthe is green. 

H:  DO you know for sure they dyed it?

M:  Well they had to get it that color somehow.  Absinthe isn't black on its own. 

H:  What did they dye it with?

M:  I don't know. 

H:  Why would you want black absinthe if it's supposed to be green?

M:  Idk, I just thought it was cool.  Goth aesthetic, I guess. 

H:  Picks up bottle and swishes it around, then says, "Well, you know it's not actually black, right?  It's purple.

M:  Well, it's marketed as black absinthe.  Most black liquid isn't truly black because it's a liquid, and liquids aren't opaque.  

Then what followed was me explaining to her what it taste like, and telling her it's better as a mixer than to drink straight.  It tastes better mixed with other things, etc.  That yielded five more minutes of questions about what I've mixed it with.  Why I don't like the taste straight.  Why haven't I tried it the traditional way, poured over sugar cubes.  Well I have, it's good like that.  But I thought you didn't like ti straight?  We'' pouring it over a sugar cube isn't drinking it straight because it's deleted down with water. 

Idk man...  maybe it's because I really am self centered and self absorbed.  But I don't get why people ask these questions.  If I walked into someone's house and saw a stove in their kitchen, it probably wouldn't even register with me beyond it being a physical object on front of me.  My mind wouldn't just go to, "So, does your stove work? Does it have a good temperature?  What have you baked with it?

I mean, I understand she's about to move in here. So knowing if the stove works is relevant.  But I think most people would have just dropped it after, Yes, the stove works. 

And if I saw a cool looking bottle in someone's house I would probably just think, "That's a cool bottle."  And I might ask them whats in it. 

I know she means well.  I put up with it. 

I know I likely feel put on the spot by this because of how I was raised.  So now is my time to learn to not feel put on the spot when someone asks a lot of questions. 

 

 

[Batya33]

Be forewarned. Imagine putting up with this all the time.  I couldn't.  You might be able to -but this is very valuable information.

[Cynder]

9 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Be forewarned. Imagine putting up with this all the time.  I couldn't.  You might be able to -but this is very valuable information.

Right now I really need the money.  So I'm going to have to learn to put up with it.  If it gets to be too much at some point I just will have to say, "I don't feel like answering questions today." 

The other night she was over and she saw a Caduceus bottle I saved sitting on my desk.  The bottle is empty.  Caduceus has a decent price range.  But it was one of the more expensive bottles and it was a limited batch.  (This is wine I'm talking about for anyone not int he know.)

She asked me a ton of questions about that.  "It was bottled in 2016?  Well when did you buy it?  Ok, and when did you drink it?  How much was it to ship?"  Etc.

I was working on a company logo for someone that night. She had a ton of questions about that.  Why did he name his business that?  Why does he want a black and gray logo?  Doesn't he know color would pop more? 

I don't know why I see someone asking tons of questions like this and use it to paint myself in a bad light.  Like I think to myself, "I don't ask questions like this because I just don't care about the minutiae of other people's lives.  Is that because I'm self centered?" And that's exactly how a self centered person would see the situation, lol. 

I guess I don't know what a normal level of interest/questions from others is. 

[boltnrun]

I prefer my home to be my sanctuary away from the stressors of the world.

If having this roommate in your home will cause you additional stress or cause your home to sometimes be unpleasant, is it worth it? 

[Cynder]

3 hours ago, boltnrun said:

I prefer my home to be my sanctuary away from the stressors of the world.

If having this roommate in your home will cause you additional stress or cause your home to sometimes be unpleasant, is it worth it? 

Well, Bills.  Not everyone has the luxury of making enough money to live alone and pay for everything without struggling.  The cost of everything is going up right now.  My transportation passes are going up to 3x what they've been for years next month.  It's going to cost me around $300 a month just to get back and forth to work.  I know there are probably people reading this thinking I have no right to complain because gas is expensive and car payments are expensive.  The point isn't to compare what public transportation costs vs having my own transportation.  I can't drive because I'm visually impaired.  I don't have a choice in the matter.  The point is, that's an added expense of $200 a month.  My pay isn't going up to accommodate for that. 

It's the off season right now.  I don't have any Festivals until Spring. 

I also know there are probably people reading this thinking, "Well, if you would just manage your money better..."  Learning how to manage money doesn't solve all financial problems.  With everything but wages going up, I could be the equivalent to a rocket scientist when it comes to finances, and it's not going to make more money magically appear in my bank account.   I know how to budget, etc.  It's not that I'm just living beyond my means.  I gave up all my streaming services except for Prime video because being a prime member comes in handy for my business.  I cut a lot of other corners that I'm not going to list in detail here. 

And aside from just paying my regular day to day bills, I have to stock up on inventory for when festival season starts back up.  I am also really close to finishing a novel that I am determined to publish.  I need to pay an editor to go over my book before I can do that.  That process isn't cheap. 

I also need to replace the shower in my upstairs bathroom. 

So, as much as I like my peace and quiet too, I have a big house with a whole spare room upstairs that someone who will actually pay rent is moving into.  Having that extra money will help me out a lot. 

 

[Batya33]

I don't think Bolt meant live alone.  I think she meant choose a different roommate so your home can be a reasonably peaceful place.  If this person is being this intrusive and inappropriate now just imagine how she's going to disrespect you, your personal space, your stuff.