Life On The Rocinante' (After Dark!)

[Cynder]

The more I dig into all these stories I'm trying to tell, the more recurring themes I'm starting to notice.  My characters are almost always searching for something.  They all have a chosen family as well, and barely any relationship with their actual family.  They all feel lost and want acceptance in the world. 

In all the writing communities people say you should never put yourself into your book.  But all of our characters are aspects of ourselves on some level. 

The biggest recurring theme in all my stories is a feeling of invisibility.  And I got to thinking about this last night when I was all by myself cleaning the empty gym.  I've felt invisible all my life.  To the point where now it's something I really struggle with.  It's like I want to be seen, but I'm also scared to be seen.  And then I got to think about what makes me feel seen?  What defines feeling "seen" exactly for me?  And it's harder to answer that question that I thought it would be.  And it has me wondering if maybe I'm chasing something that doesn't really exist. 

One reason I've had so many mixed emotions about the end of my recent relationship...  he actually made me feel seen in the way I want to feel seen.  At least for a while he did until Noddles died and everything went to hell. 

I don't even really know what the point I'm making here is.  Maybe I need to sit down and make a list of the first 5 things I can think of that made me feel invisible, and work from there.  I don't mean the first five chronologically.  I just mean the first five that come to mind... the ones that hit the hardest, in other words.  And see if there's any common thread in all of them. 

And then there have been a lot of times when I felt way too visible for all the wrong reasons.  The first one that comes to mind in that category is when my ex husband decided to leave the band he had been a member of for years.  He left to play DnD, essentially.  He joined a DnD group that met the same day as band practice.  And he decided DnD meant more to him.  But he didn't tell everyone that.  He told everyone I was making him leave.  At his last show with them I had people booing at me and calling me Yoko and someone even threw a beer bottle at me.  That was one time when so many people were turning their attention to me when I had nothing to do with what was happening.  And I had been to how many shows with him before where hardly anyone even noticed me.  So it's like, no one noticed me for years and then suddenly I'm being noticed for bad reasons. 

Idk...  maybe I am just chasing something that is unattainable.  And maybe coming to terms with that will be liberating. 

 

[Batya33]

So I hope this isn't strange - but - maybe the opposite of feeling invisible is NOT feeling "seen" -at least not in the trendy way it is described on social media these days.  Isn't being "seen" in that trendy sense being - really understood, where people "get" you? But - can't you not be invisible (or feel invisible) even if the people around you don't entirely get you.  You're in a group let's say and someone is relating an anecdote and you feel included -the person is making eye contact with everyone including you and if you all laugh at points there's a sense of being together as a collective.

I'm sorry you feel invisible! I felt that way at times when I wanted to be popular as a teen and would insert myself in a group and end up being ignored.  Or when my sister got so much more attention than me from my parents.  I've never felt a need to be seen in that sense but I have felt  it when I didn't feel connected to a romantic partner and felt lonely.

I'm so glad you're writing!.  

[catfeeder]

Just an FYI, I needed to learn the advantages of the opposite—I always felt on the point, on a stage, and I craved being an invisible part of an audience rather than being pushed into leadership and expected to ‘perform’ in that place.

 I tried out some exercises to recede into invisibility, and that’s where I found my real strength and power.

One position is not inherently better than the other, it’s all about how we choose to use it. I ran whole gigantic projects from a position of invisibility, because I was comfortable with that place and didn’t need the limelight to get my way and persuade people that it was right.

This doesn’t mean you should be careful what you ask for, it only means consider why you want it and what, exactly, you would want to accomplish with it.

The right people will see you, hear you, and get you, regardless of your platform.

[Batya33]

9 hours ago, catfeeder said:

This doesn’t mean you should be careful what you ask for, it only means consider why you want it and what, exactly, you would want to accomplish with it.

Ahh I see. I saw it differently - I thought it was in the vein of "I want to be seen" the way someone who let's say lives a different sort of lifestyle or hypothetically is part of a minority group wants to be "seen" by those she sees in the "majority" instead of shunted to the side as some sort of anomaly.  Not a desire to be in the limelight/center of attention.  Another use is like -SAHM who complain they do all this invisible labor -behind the scenes stuff to keep the home fires burning/all schedules running smoothly -and never are acknowledged or noticed for this work.  

And Catfeeder I totally get your perspective!  Interesting!

[catfeeder]

11 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Ahh I see. I saw it differently - I thought it was in the vein of "I want to be seen" the way someone who let's say lives a different sort of lifestyle or hypothetically is part of a minority group wants to be "seen" by those she sees in the "majority" instead of shunted to the side as some sort of anomaly.  Not a desire to be in the limelight/center of attention.  Another use is like -SAHM who complain they do all this invisible labor -behind the scenes stuff to keep the home fires burning/all schedules running smoothly -and never are acknowledged or noticed for this work.  

And Catfeeder I totally get your perspective!  Interesting!

Yep, and another spin I often see is “Nobody sees me, nobody cares…”

”Wul, wait, didn’t all your GF’s just take you out to celebrate your promotion? And didn’t your family from all over the globe just gather to give you a surprise party for that?”

”Yeah, but that’s just them…”

”So wait, all your bosses who promoted you and your closest friends and whole family don’t count? My guess is, the word ‘nobody’ is just singling out one guy, right?”

”Yeah, nobody loves me…”

 I recognize that this doesn’t apply to Cynder, but it’s pretty common. That’s why I’m impressed when someone as self aware as Cynder is willing to examine what this feeling actually means, privately, to her.

[Cynder]

I didn't see any of these replies until now...  But this is something I'm still thinking about. 

I've been thinking about the things my recent ex did that made me feel seen.  And as far as he is concerned, it's more that he actually took the way I feel and what I want into consideration.  Like, last year on my birthday.  We were both at a festival where I was working.  But it was a pretty far away event and so we spent three days in the area and treated it like a mini vacation. 

Two weeks before we left he asked me what kind of presents I like to get for birthdays.  Because some people really don't want anything.  And some people would rather be given experiences, like taken out places, etc.  Some people want romantic things like flowers, etc.  Some people want practical stuff that they can actually use, etc.  I told him I really don't expect him to give me anything.  And I'm not someone who plays games and says "Don't get me anything" when they really expect something.  I really didn't expect anything.  But I also asked him to please not tell anyone at the event that it's my birthday, because I don't want a bunch of people singing to me.  I've been working at events on my birthday in the past where everyone knew it was my birthday and multiple groups of people came to my booth to sing to me.  I hate that.  It's really embarrassing and uncomfortable. 

Well, we were working at this event all day, and no one knew it was my birthday.  He actually respected my wishes when most of my exes would have jumped all over the opportunity to embarrass me just for their own entertainment. 

There were a lot of times in our relationship when he did things like this.  He was one of the few people who actually asked me what I wanted/thought/etc, and listened.  I never got that growing up, and I rarely got that in past relationships either.  Even when I was married.  My ex husband and his family made every decision about our wedding.  I was asked my opinion multiple times, and then whatever I said just went right out the window.  Hey... it's not like I'm the bride or anything, lol. 

So, in that sense it is being understood that I want.  And it's interesting that multiple groups of people coming to my booth to sing to me all day made me really uncomfortable, because that is exactly what most people would call being seen.  No one would care or bother to wish an invisible person a happy birthday. 

But also, not being recognized for the work I do makes me feel invisible.  When someone comes walking into my booth and without even thinking they turn to my employee and tell them how amazing their work is and how talented they are, that makes me feel like I don't even exist.  They don't even bother to ask who the artist is, etc.  Even at my current job, when people walk in and ask me "Where's the person who actually works here?" That bothers me too because I am the person who "actually works" there.  When I was the receptionist at the rehab center and UPS and FedEx would come in with packages that needed signed for, and I would hear, "Well I need an employee to sign, I can't have a resident sign for it."  Same thing...  People think that drug addicts are subhuman pieces of crap, sadly.  And I volunteered there for a long time before they gave me a paid position.  I had to go through a lot of training to work there, including first aid/CPR training, etc.  And so when some UPS guy would come walking in there and act all condescending because in his eyes I'm just a subhuman piece of crap, it made me feel invisible. 

So I guess it's a combination of wanting to be understood, and wanting to be recognized. 

 

[Batya33]

I really like the way you write and describe things. 

[Jaunty]

On 10/20/2023 at 4:11 PM, Batya33 said:

He seems focused on misattributing family-type labels to an extent that's very odd at least to me (I mean lots of people say "he's like family" or 'he's my brother from another mother" but they'd never insist anyone else refer in that way.  

In some communities, notably LGBTQ+ and "recovery" ones, the concept of a "chosen family"  or "family of choice" is very common.    Many people in these communities have been cast aside from their families of origin.  

I've been around it a lot.  That said, I have not had people insist on calling everybody in their chosen families their sister, mother or brother as if these are formally assigned roles.  

[Batya33]

10 hours ago, Jaunty said:

In some communities, notably LGBTQ+ and "recovery" ones, the concept of a "chosen family"  or "family of choice" is very common.    Many people in these communities have been cast aside from their families of origin.  

I've been around it a lot.  That said, I have not had people insist on calling everybody in their chosen families their sister, mother or brother as if these are formally assigned roles.  

I get it.  I was referring to the extent to which he does it to which you allude in his second paragraph and particularly the pressure for others to do so.

My husband is an only child and so is my son. I have a sister who is my son's Aunt.  My husband is very close with his two first cousins who are around our age.  My husband refers to two of his first cousins -for my son's purposes as "Aunt" and "Uncle" and refers to my son's godfather (a close friend of both of ours for almost 30 years) as Uncle in front of my son.

  These are terms of endearment and my son likes to refer to them that way.  He knows they are not technically related in this way (or related as far as his godfather).  And these people are delighted to have those titles and play those roles. 

I would not be ok with him requiring those around him to refer to my mother or my sister as his "Mom" or requiring us to refer to his BFF as brother other than -you know "bro" - again that's just me - and certainly not requiring us to refer to them that way. If he wanted to to think of them like those titles/roles that's fine, hypohetically only. 

I'm just talking about extent.  I do understand about this practice in the LGBQT community!

[Cynder]

I just got home from going to a movie by myself.  The cab driver and I talked about music and tattoos for the whole ride home.  As I walked into my empty house and fed my cats, the idea hit me that I talk more to strangers than I do to people I know.  And strangers usually have to talk to me.  A cab drive has no choice when I'm in his car. 

People always say if you smell crap everywhere, check your shoes.  If you meet one a**hole, their the a**hole.  But if you meet a lot of a**holes, it's you who's the a**hole.  It's really hard to not see myself as the problem. 

I used to love going to the movies by myself when I had other options.  When I had the choice of going alone or with others, going alone was the better option almost always.  Now that I don't have another option it's not as fun.  I go out alone and then come home to my empty house and feed my cats, like a crazy cat lady.  People who knew me when I was younger told me one day I would be a crazy cat lady.  And here I am.  (I have two indoor cats and two outdoor cats, if anyone is wondering.  The two outdoor cats belonged to other people who just left them here.)

I have no problem attracting people.  But I have a problem keeping them interested, clearly.  Even someone like D who had feelings for me for years... he lasted just over a year before he finally had enough of my ass.  True, I broke up with him.  But by that point he had already cast me as the villain in his story.  I was responsible for his niece running away in his eyes.  I was the good guy turned bad in the shocking plot twist.  I wonder if his niece is still gone and if she came back and told him I had nothing to do with it.  I guess it doesn't matter now. 

The rational side of me knows it's not my fault.  But logic also says it would almost have to be somewhat my fault.  But I can't figure out what I'm doing wrong.  I don't lie.  I don't stab people in the back.  I'm loyal.  I keep secrets when people ask me to.  I don't steal.  I don't cheat.  I'm not two faced. 

Things it possibly could be:  I have a weird sense of humor.  I've learned to keep that to myself until I know people pretty well, though.  People who get to know me will say I'm funny.  But I don't let that side of myself out very often because my humor is not for everyone.  Another (probable) issue:  I'm an introvert and people just don't like introverts, unfortunately.  I don't really do well with small talk. 

It's not that I have no friends, etc.  I just have very few in my area.  Most of my friends live too far away for public transportation.  I remember someone on here giving me a hard time because I don't just take a taxi to D's house whenever I want to see him.  Ok... well that's around $200 round trip.  My mortgage payment takes up almost a whole paycheck and I only get paid twice a month.  So that other check needs to be spent wisely. 

There are NaNo meetups in every city near me except for my city.  I am in a facebook group for my city.  So I posted in that group asking if anyone else here is doing NaNo this year and would be interested in forming a meetup group, possibly.  I got in trouble with the mods because that isn't allowed.  I asked politely what rule I broke.  And I was told, "You're a man asking strangers if they want to meet up with you.  It should be pretty obvious."  Ok...  I'm not a man first of all.  And I think it's interesting that there are posts on that group all the time that say things like, "I need someone to clean my gutters."  And then someone (usually a man) replies and says, "I'll do it for $X.  Message me."  So inviting a stranger to your house to do chores is fine, just don't suggest possibly meeting in a group with people you have something in common with.  Lol.  I didn't continue the conversation.  I just dropped it.  I was just trying to possibly connect with some people. There are NaNo meetups all around me that I can't afford to go to.  

I have always had a hard time connecting with people.  But it got a lot harder after my NDE.  I've heard other people who have had NDEs say that, too.  That afterwords it was just so hard to connect to others.  When someone dies and comes back to tell about it, they are never the same person again.  Even though I think it changed me for the better, I guess the old me was a lot more likable. 

Tomorrow I will be at SFM.  I didn't want to do this show.  But I was talked into it and offered a free booth.  That's the downside to being scene royalty, I guess.  Not necessarily the free booths.  But it's hard to say no when you're someone who is sought after in the scene.  I'm not excited.  I don't want to do it.  I wish I didn't have to.  But I do need the money, and SFM was a pretty good money maker last year.  I feel like the festival scene is the only place I've done anything right and managed to make any good name for myself.  I still feel like the Bee GIrl in the Blind Melon video when I'm at a festival. 

After tomorrow Festival season is over for this year.  I had such high hopes... and this season was my worst ever.  I should have learned by now to always have low expectations.  When you set the bar really low everything is awesome. 

 

[Batya33]

I don't think D is an example of the trend you are noticing - D had severe mental health problems and didn't want a committed relationship with you or anyone in the traditional sense -you two did not have a monogamous or exclusive committed relationship.  You might also want this.  Which is totally fine.  But what you want then is atypical/unusual so comparing to any other couple who has a traditional committed relationship is a bit of apples and oranges especially when you add in the LGBQT aspects and that he is married.  Then layer on the financial issues, mental health issues, family estrangement issues. Even one of those things makes it much much harder for two people to connect romantically in a healthy way where there is an intention to commit (meaning not a sexual arrangement primarily -those are easier of course)

I am not suggesting you choose different people -I know you don't want to -just know that your choices make the chances of finding an interaction which is healthy, committed, loving and long lasting much slimmer.  Your choice -I'm not judging just responding to why it might be more difficult for you than others who connect with people with fewer of these high risk factors -or none.  

[Cynder]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

I don't think D is an example of the trend you are noticing - D had severe mental health problems and didn't want a committed relationship with you or anyone in the traditional sense -you two did not have a monogamous or exclusive committed relationship.  You might also want this.  Which is totally fine.  But what you want then is atypical/unusual so comparing to any other couple who has a traditional committed relationship is a bit of apples and oranges especially when you add in the LGBQT aspects and that he is married.  Then layer on the financial issues, mental health issues, family estrangement issues. Even one of those things makes it much much harder for two people to connect romantically in a healthy way where there is an intention to commit (meaning not a sexual arrangement primarily -those are easier of course)

I am not suggesting you choose different people -I know you don't want to -just know that your choices make the chances of finding an interaction which is healthy, committed, loving and long lasting much slimmer.  Your choice -I'm not judging just responding to why it might be more difficult for you than others who connect with people with fewer of these high risk factors -or none.  

Not all my past partners were like him, though.  My ex husband looked perfect on paper.  He had a good job in the beginning and at the end.  There were a few years in the middle where he was unemployed, though.  No criminal record, didn't drink or do drugs, came from a nice family, etc.  And our relationship wasn't an open relationship until the last two years.  We were together 8 years in a traditional way (well, on my end, he cheated a lot.) 

My ex Aaron was similar.  He was a software engineer.  No criminal record, he was a social drinker but didn't drink beyond that capacity. He was very anti drug.  He ended things with me over my use of psychedelics.  He didn't seem to care that they helped.  He just was so hung up on the fact that I'm a drug user.  Our relationship was closed, too.  We weren't polyamorous. 

Same thing with my vendor ex.  No criminal record, nice family, no substance issues.  He was also wealthy.  He had a trust fund and he never had to go without anything.  He had two college degrees.  He was a business owner.  Our relationship was monogomous, also...  but he's another one who cheated.  (Aaron cheated too...  I just didn't find out until years after we broke up.) 

So, it's not just that I choose open relationships with unstable people.  Because most of them haven't been that way. 

I hardly ever use my IG anymore.  I opened p the app yesterday to look for something and saw one of D's posts.  I forgot that I even followed him there.  I unfollowed him after this, if anyone is wondering.  But I guess he is dealing with a really bad flea infestation right now.  He is having to throw away a lot of things in his house to get rid of the fleas.  As someone who has always had pets, I've had to deal with fleas before, too.  But when it gets so bad you're having to throw furniture and stuff away it's a serious infestation.  They are so easy to prevent. He is asking people to buy new stuff to replace the stuff he's throwing away, and for flea meds, etc.  As an animal lover it was so hard for me not to comment and be like, "That's what happens when you adopt more animals than you can afford."  But I won't do that.  He's not stupid.  He knows this is his own fault.  He had four skunks that he could afford to take care of.  Then Noodles passed away and his mental health started declining, and he went and adopted 5 more skunks over the next 8 months.  Skunks aren't cheap pets.  And from what I remember it's hard to get rid of fleas on them because regular flea meds don't work.  (I don't know why and I could be remembering it wrong, idk.)  It's sad on so many levels that this is what he has become.  And it's sad that all his animals are suffering now because of it.  

Well, I just woke up and ate breakfast...  now I have to go get ready to load up the van in the rain.  Yay, SFM!!!

[catfeeder]

11 hours ago, Cynder said:

I have no problem attracting people.  But I have a problem keeping them interested, clearly.

There are people, and then there are healthy people. You won't need to keep healthy people entertained, and they won't need to use you as their audience.

You've just removed the last shreds of toxicity from your life, the biggest poison being that roommate. You're going to have a period of discomfort. Don't use your self talk to sink yourself into a funk. You've earned better than that--and you're far more creative than that.

[Cynder]

11 hours ago, catfeeder said:

There are people, and then there are healthy people. You won't need to keep healthy people entertained, and they won't need to use you as their audience.

You've just removed the last shreds of toxicity from your life, the biggest poison being that roommate. You're going to have a period of discomfort. Don't use your self talk to sink yourself into a funk. You've earned better than that--and you're far more creative than that.

This is true.  Healthy people are rare.  Way back when in the early days of this thread I used to mention a girl named Kitty occasionally.  I stopped being friends with her because I felt like all she wanted me around for was free entertainment.  She was so judgmental but also so hypocritical.  Like, if I drink it's dysfunctional, even if it's just social drinking at a party or whatever.  But her husband had a YouTube channel where he literally got drunk on camera in his videos.  For a while she was really pushing me to do mushrooms at her house.  I had no desire to do that.  But she really pushed the idea for a long time.  She would talk about how they'll invite some people over so I feel safe, etc.  Um, no.  Having a bunch of people around me won't make me feel safe.  And I can pretty much guarantee they would have all just messed with me for fun while I was tripping.  And knowing her it probably would have ended up on video and plastered all over social media, too.  She had an active blog for a long time and she used to write about me in her blog, but never in a good way.  She knew I was subscribed to it.  So I would get notified every time she posted.  And it was always so uncomfortable when she would write some scathing blog post about me.  And it was usually over something completely innocent.  Like one time it was because I tried pumpkin pie at her house.  I've never liked pumpkin pie.  But our tastebuds change.  I hadn't tried it since I was a kid, and she was bragging about how awesome her pie was.  So I tried it just to see if I might like it.  Well, that got a whole blog post about how she has this friend who is so pathetic and spineless that they ate a food they didn't like just because they didn't have the balls to tell her no, etc.  Well, no, I told her I don't like pumpkin pie but I will try a bite just to see if it's something I like as an adult, since I haven't tired it since I was maybe five.  She also used to do this thing where she would invite me out somewhere and then invite another friend or two that I don't know very well without telling me.  And I mean, it's a free country.  That alone wasn't a problem.  But as soon as her other friend(s) would get there she would just start dumping all over me and cracking jokes at my expense. The end of it for me was her actively trying to sabotage a huge creative project I was working on. I just decided I was done.  And this was about 10 years ago.  So I've known for a while how to give toxic people the boot.  I can't really explain why I let some stay around longer than others.  Also, I've mentioned this here somewhat recently... it was her and her husband who thought I'm secretly a KKK member.  And she outed herself as a racist not long after flinging all those accusations at me. 

When I ended things with her, and I did it through text.  I told her I'm done being her entertainment and if she's bored go watch some YouTube.  I told her it's obvious she only keeps me around to have someone to laugh at and make fin of.  And then I blocked her. 

Our society puts so much emphacis on unhealthy attitudes and normalizes things that shouldn't be normalized.  It's hard to find healthy people.  I mean, I feel the most at home in the festival scene.  But there's a lot of toxicity there, too.  There is a lot of drama, a lot of strong personalities, etc. 

It seems like whenever I lay down a boundary with anyone it's always the end.  Like, my one friend, R, another vendor.  Him and I got along great and he always seemed like a healthy well adjusted person to me.  And then he got completely obsessed with L, my former roommate.  And after a while, that's all he wanted to talk about.  He would bring her gifts at shows, etc.  And he's married.  And all his attempts to have a conversation with me just because thinly veiled efforts to see what L was up to.  It was basically, "Hi Cynder, what's been going on with you?"  "Well, I've been... ... ..."  "That's nice.  What's L up to?  Is she dating anyone?  Has she asked about me?"  Finally after he did this one too many times I just said, "Ok, anymore when you message me, all it is is L this and L that.  And all you care about is what L is doing.  Why don't you just not even bother talking to me and go talk to L?"  Well, R isn't my friend anymore.  We are still civil when we see each other at events.  But we're not friends like we used to be. 

This kind of thing has happened to me dozens of times.  I have so many stories like this, where all I did was just stick up for myself and that was enough to drive someone away. 

My ex husband carried a Zippo with him everywhere.  And he used to take it out and click the lid over and over again.  That noise is like nails on a blackboard to me.  One time I asked him to stop it.  You would have thought I asked him to kill a puppy or something.  It resulted in a big fight because "You don't tell me what to do!  I'm a grown ass man!  I'll click my Zippo if I want!" And then after that he made it a point to do it a lot more around me.  So I had to learn to just tune that noise out.  

When D and I broke up he told me I have a real problem with violating boundaries.  Which really surprised me because no one has ever said that to me, ever.  And I try so hard to not do that.  And I asked him what boundaries I violated, and he couldn't answer me. I talked to Mel, his Mom, about it.  And she told me he is the biggest boundary breaker of all, and she's known him 20ish years.  And a few messages later she said, "He knows damn well he's the reason you guys broke up and he can't deal with it.  So he was just throwing anything at you hoping to make something stick because he doesn't have a leg to stand on."  I guess the fact that I even talked to her about it was probably crossing a boundary.  But she offered to listen if I needed to talk.  And she told me nothing I say will ever get to him.  And nothing I told her was anything I wouldn't say to his face. I'm not trying to make excuses because it was wrong on some level that I talked to her.  But I wanted to talk to someone who actually knows him and knows how he is.  It's one thing to talk to my therapist who only hears my side. 

Anyway... 

My taste in music is bizarre sometimes, lol:

 

[Cynder]

So... festival season is over.  This is one I would love to forget. 

There were some bright spots, PITC and CPPD, for sure.  But everything else, including SFM today, flopped.  SFM had some good things.  From a festival perspective it was good.  The music was good.  The food was good.  There were a lot of people wearing really cool costumes (because it's a Halloween Festival.) 

But from a business perspective, it sucked.  I didn't even do $100 in sales which is almost unheard of for me. 

And it was hard to not miss D.  So many things there reminded me of him.  Before the live music started there was music being pumped through the speakers.  And they played a lot of Heilung.  I guess Heilung is ruined for me indefinitely now.  D and I's first date was seeing them in concert in Pittsburgh.  It was literally the best first date I've ever had with anyone.  He convinced me to just let him take me on one date and see where things go.  And I did, and he took me on the best date I've ever been on. And he went with me to SFM last year and we treated it like a mini vacation.  That was the first time we slept in the same bed.  It was also the first time we kissed.  So it was really hard to just sit there all day and not think of him.  I wonder if he has days like that where he misses me and can't stop thinking about me.  

On the way home tonight (2.5 hour drive) it was dark and I was in the back of the van with my headphones on and I cried a little on the way home.  Just thinking about this season, and the end of that relationship, and how happy I was when the season started, etc. 

At least I was able to set aside a squirrel fund for the off season.  Last year's off season was rough financially.  This year I stashed away a few grand to help make it through. 

I also have MK in December.  That's always a money maker.  I've never had a bad MK.  That's one show that bring in a lot of cash.  The highest sale of a single painting I ever made was at MK.  And that year they had this $18 top shelf Martini on the drink menu.  After I made that sale I bought two of those, for me and my employee.  And I left the bartender a big fat tip, too.  It's always nice pretending to be rich for a few minutes, lol.  So, MK will be a nice bit of extra income in December.  And then there is the February OM show that I will do if I am comfortable doing it.  OM is becoming a cursed show for me.  Bad things happen every time I do it.  So I might just shelve it for a while.  I might not be ready to deal with D and his sister yet.  A lot of it will depend on how bad I need to money. 

I guess next year I just won't expect anything.  Because the higher the expectations... the worse things are.  If I set the bar almost on the ground, then everything will be awesome. 

 

[Cynder]

So, NaNo kicks off tonight at Midnight. I have been looking forward to this for about a week.  I went to bed feeling fine this morning, and woke up feeling like crap.  I just got over a damn sinus infection.  I really hope whatever this is is just a mild cold or whatever.  I don't have the luxury of missing work whenever I get sick.  I'm too poor for that, lol.

I planned on attending some of the virtual events on Discord tonight and then staying up all night working on the novel.  But all I want to do now is go back to bed. 

I got the ingredients to make something I really like tonight, and I have no appetite, either. 

Halloween is my favorite day of the year.  It's kind of depressing that I'm all by myself tonight.  But I suppose I should get used to it. 

 

[Cynder]

So, I guess earlier all I really needed was a nap.  Because I went back to sleep shortly after I posted that last entry and was up an hour later and on Discord.  There are two NaNo servers I'm part of that were having live events tonight where people were on voice chat.  I went into the one where D's sister is a member just to see what was going on.  I didn't plan on talking because I don't want her knowing who I am.  I've never been in a Discord voice chat before so I wasn't sure how it worked exactly.  So I click into it, and she's the one talking.  And she's complaining about how her DnD group kicked her out.  She was talking about how they all said she's hard to get along with, etc.  And so now she's trying to find another DnD group to join.  And then she noticed a new person (me) entered the room. 

She's like, "Hey "my Discord username."  What are you being so quiet?"

So, I answered in my TTS voice.  I call this my TTS voice because I use text to speech software a lot and I speak in a really specific way when I use TTS so that the typing is more accurate.  It doesn't sound like I normally sound.  It sounds like a robot version of me.  So I answered and said, "I've never done voice chat here before, so I wasn't sure how it works."

Then she starts grilling me about what I'm working on, how many words I've written today, etc.  I just said, once again in my TTS voice, "I just woke up from a nap." 

That seemed to take her attention off me.  And then she started talking about D.  So I just decided that was enough, and went into the other server, where I had a good time chatting with about 6 other people for the next few hours while we wrote. 

I don't know what her obsession is with word counts.  I mean yes, a word count is an important number to a writer.  But from what I gather, it's only important when your manuscript is finished.  Agents, publishers, beta readers, editors, etc, don't give a sh*t how many words someone wrote in an hour, or in a day or whatever.  They care how many words the finished book is.  That's it.  Personally, when I write I like to lose myself in my own universe and not worry about how many words I wrote in a certain amount of time.  I don't care about my word count in that respect.  I'm not even saying there's anything wrong with her finding a word count so important.  But when I just woke up from a nap and went into the server and she's immediately like, "How many words did you write today?' It just made me feel put on the spot in front of a bunch of strangers. 

And apparently the novel she's writing this month is a modernized retelling of The Little Mermaid... in which (and I really wish I was joking here...) D is the little mermaid.  I'm not kidding.  I dated this man for a year and I'm not as obsessed with him as she is.  It's creepy. 

And also... D hates that movie.  I remember him and I and his son were all talking about movies we liked when we were kids and stuff one night.  And When his kids were little there were certain Disney movies D wouldn't let them watch.  The Little Mermaid was one, because it's sexist.  (And it is, really. but most Disney movies from that time were,)  But he was talking about certain Disney movies he doesn't like and wouldn't let his kids watch, and that's the one he hates the most. 

Maybe this is his sister's revenge, idk.  I'm sure D will be thrilled if he ever sees/reads it.  (That's sarcasm.) 

I think I'm just staying off that server from now on. 

And the fact that she was complaining for a really long time about being kicked out of her DnD group is strangely validating.  Obviously it's not jsut me who thinks she's a bad person. 

Ok... back to chapter two of my novel that isn't about D, lol.  (It's a missing 411 kind of story about a disappearance in the western USA, with a bit of supernatural horror thrown in.)  And I'm absolutely loving the way it's going so far. 

 

[Cynder]

Ok...  right after I went back to writing, I kid you not, suddenly out of nowhere her annoying nasal voice came bellowing through my speakers over top of some Tool that I was listening to.  "Hi!  I didn't realize anyone was still in voice chat!  You're the one that never talks!"  I looked down in horror, seeing that somehow my voice chat was connected.  I just disconnected it and signed off. 

Sorry...  I don't want to hear about my ex being the little mermaid in your universe.  And I don't want t compare word counts every three minutes. I just want to write and listen to music.  

[Batya33]

I'm glad you've chosen not to be on that server anymore and I hope you feel better!

[Cynder]

Iron Maiden heals all...

 

[Cynder]

So, last night I was at work and forgot to put my phone on DND mode.  (Do not disturb, not Dungeons and Dragons, lol.)  '

I was getting tons of Discord notifications.  So I went on there just to check what was happening.  D's sister was basically trauma dumping to someone else.  She was talking about how it's been such a rough year because her daughter ran away and then she was victimized by an abuser. (the abuser being D...) Then she started talking about how her whole house is trashed and there is broken glass and broken furniture everywhere because D went on a rampage throwing a tantrum and broke all her stuff and trashed her whole place...

Ok...  I am having a harder and harder time believing this stuff.  I really can't imagine him stopping the car in the middle of traffic and running across the highway.  He is such a stickler about safe driving.  He refuses to text while driving.  Everyone in his car has to have their seat belt on, etc.  I just can't imagine him doing that, unless he was under some pretty serious duress. 

And in all the time I've known him, I've never heard him raise his voice in anger at another person.  I've heard him get frustrated with objects.  I've been at his house while he's been doing renovation stuff and heard him cuss and get kind of loud when he can't get something to work right, etc.  But he was always so good at keeping his cool even while pissed off.  So I really can't imagine him going on some violent rampage and trashing someone's house.  She was saying he threw furniture, etc.  Ok...  D is a little dude.  He is about 5'2'' and 120 lbs at most.  He's tiny.  What the hell kind of furniture was he throwing?  What did he throw a pillow? lol

And she said this happened over a month ago...  so she hasn't cleaned it up yet?  She's just walking around on broken glass and stuff?  Sorry, I just don't buy it.

The guy I know, even the guy he was at the end, would not do those things.  So, either she's exaggerating or straight up lying, or he has gone a lot further off the deep end than I ever thought he could.  And if he really did that stuff, I really do wonder what pushed him that far.  She knows how to piss him off. 

I hope it's the former.  She has lied before and been caught. 

I know I decided to stay off that server...  I just decided not to go there anymore but I didn't physically leave so I was still getting notifications.  This didn't really upset me though.  I find it oddly entertaining that she's just there cooking up all these stories about him for sympathy. 

She's written all these books about him, too.  Her current project is a fanfic, a retelling of a movie he hates, where she put him in it as the lead character.  I just want to go in there and be like, "So what's your next book going to be called?  "D takes a big dump?"  He had Taco Bell the night before, it's a harrowing saga.  Lot's of character development... dramatic cussing in German.  Lmao. 

It was pretty hard for me to hold my tongue when she started talking about her daughter running away.  Her daughter is a legal adult who took off because she was tired of dealing with her kookoo for cocoa puffs mother.  I envy her daughter and wish I would have had the guts to run away at her age.  And I also wanted to be like, "Why don't you tell them how you accused D (the dude who trashed your house supposedly)'s girlfriend of kidnapping your daughter.  That's a fun story!"  Oooo...  I could tell her, "Yep...  you know you're right.  I did come and get her that night.  I'm guilty.  You got me.  She asked me to take her to the store to get you some Cocoa Puffs.  Why Cocoa Puffs?  Well, because you're kookoo for them."

Ok...  I've been awake way too long and I need to shut up now.  My humor isn't for everyone, lol.. 

I kept my mouth shut though...  She doesn't know who I am over there and I want to keep it that way.  I don't need harassment on Discord of all places.  Here, Reddit and Discord are my safe places online. 

 

[Cynder]

So, I haven't stayed off that server the last day or so because the posts I've been seeing don't bother me anymore.  I think of them more as the ravings of someone who is below me.  I know that probably sounds really arrogant, because it's not like I'm anyone special.  Idk... her many posts about how much she hates D but also seems to idolize him are just entertaining to me now. 

Well, people on there are encouraged to post music that they are listening to while writing.  So, last night I posted the song Nobody Home by Pink Floyd.  The part of my novel that I was writing was really getting heavy into themes of isolation and sadness.  And that song sounds exactly like what I was writing about.  It's probably one of the saddest songs ever written... but it's also really beautiful.  I'll link it in this post. 

So I posted, "This is a sad song about loneliness and isolation.  That's exactly what my character is feeling at this point in my story, and it's also what I am dealing with right now in my own life."  Something like that, I don't remember.  This was at like 3:30 this morning. 

Well, this morning I woke up to a message from you know who...  lol.  "I've been really intrigued by your posts lately.  I know we don't know each other but I am also really lonely and isolated.  I love alone and don't really have any friends.  So maybe we could talk some time?"  Then she goes on to talk about how her daughter ran away.  And how she has been victimized by an abuser for the last several months.  She finds me fascinating because Ive obviously lived an interesting life, etc. 

I didn't respond.  But it was so hard to not say something like, "Yea?  My posts intrigue you?  You think I"m so fascinating?  Did you find me fascinating when you texted me and told me to do the world a favor and go kill myself?  And your daughter is a 20 year old adult.  She left on her own because you treated her like crap.  And D didn't abuse you."

This right here... This is exactly part of my problem.  If I didn't already know her and know how she really is, I would probably be thinking, "Wow, this person thinks I'm intriguing and fascinating.  I'm gonna make a new friend." 

The people who find me intriguing and fascinating are toxic people most of the time.  And I can't tell that in the beginning.  I learn the hard way. 

I guess I need to think about what I do to attract people like her.  And last night it was because I said I'm lonely and isolated.  Toxic people eat that up.  They see that and think, "Here's someone I can have fun with." 

So... in this case, sharing too much was the issue. 

This is turning into an interesting social experiment in a way. 

 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Cynder said:

"This is a sad song about loneliness and isolation.  That's exactly what my character is feeling at this point in my story, and it's also what I am dealing with right now in my own life."  Something like that, I don't remember.  This was at like 3:30 this morning. 

Most typically when I see a post like that I am not drawn to get to know the person -sometimes but I don't act on it because getting started with someone who is struggling mentally and emotionally is not something I choose to handle in a new potential friendship - at most if I wanted to help I'd reach out with offer of resources - mental health resources.  So I am not surprised that a person who would reach out in that way might have issues or as you say be "toxic" - by contrast if you posted about a success in your writing and someone reached out to congratulate and perhaps share about her own success after a challenge that person would be less likely to be toxic.

[Cynder]

37 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

- by contrast if you posted about a success in your writing and someone reached out to congratulate and perhaps share about her own success after a challenge that person would be less likely to be toxic.

This is interesting food for thought.  Because in her case, she is always wanting to know everyone's word count.  She's always on there like, "How many words did you write today?  I wrote 5k!" Etc.  She has asked me specifically for my word count more than once.  I don't answer because I don't keep track.  My novel that I finished on like 3 weeks is roughly 83k words.  That's the only word count that matters.  I don't know how many words I write in a day, or in an hour, etc. 

I would rather spend an hour writing a really good paragraph than crank out a lot of words that will most likely be deleted when I edit anyway.  

Maybe I should post about some success on there just to see what kind of reaction I get. 

I do wonder how she would react if she knew who she was actually talking to.  She told me to do the world a favor and go kill myself 6 weeks ago. 

 

[Cynder]

I'm sure most people have experienced the phenomena of the Groupie friend on social media.  A lot of people have that one friend who likes and comments on everything you say, etc.  I'm not even saying it's a bad thing.  It's just a certain kind of presence. 

Well, I think it's so hilarious that D's sister has become like that with me on Discord.  No matter what I say over there, within like 3 minutes she likes it and writes some sweet sappy reply.  She has DMed me over there telling me that we have so much in common and she would love to be my friend. 

Boy oh boy...  if she only knew who she was really talking to. 

At least her several posts a day about D have stopped.  It's nice to check Discord and not see another rant about what an awful person my ex is.  Usually people like her stop obsessing over one person when they've found a new target.  I'm sure she has a lot of potentials.  I even wonder if she is hoping I will be her new target.

The idea of this is hilarious to me.  I've wondered what would happen if I decided to leave the server for good and tell her who I am right beforehand. 

My username over there is gender neutral, and most people online assume I'm a man.  (People here on ENA have even told me to grow a pair and act like a grown man, lol.)  But she probably assumes I'm a guy and is hoping I'll carry her off into the sunset.  If I was a meaner person I could really have some sadistic fun here.  But I'm not.  I'm just laughing to myself about the whole thing.