Life On The Rocinante' (After Dark!)

Cynder · June 2, 2023

So, the problem with the setup at PITC has been taken care of. Whoever reserved the van for tonight canceled, so I was able to go get it today and load up early. That is a huge weight off my shoulders. My employee is all ready to go and excited. And even though yesterday I wrote that it's so hard for me to get excited about shows lately, I am starting to feel it.

I remember when I was getting ready for OM, the outfit I was wearing was really cool and I remember thinking, "This would be so much better if I had crush bleached jeans." Customizing clothing is a hobby of mine. People have told me I should sell what I make, and for a time I did. But displaying clothing in the booth is a pain. And then customers would complain that I don't have anything that fits them, etc. I basically would go to a thrift store and find stuff I could customize, and then do whatever to it. There was no restriction on what sizes I had. I just did whatever to whatever size of clothes I found. I have done a lot of crush bleaching and ice dying, etc.

But anyway... I currently have a pair of regular jeans soaking in bleach on my back porch. I am trying a really cool pattern, too. I can't wait to see how they come out.

I decided tonight would be an indulgent night. My employee used to be a bartender at a bar I was a regular at back in my partying days. Her and I were talking about those days, etc. And it really made me want a beer. I rarely drink anymore and when I do it's for flavor. Non alcoholic beer and wine just aren't the same. So I stopped on the way home and got a 6 pack of Summer Shandy. It's 90 degrees here right now. Summer Shandy is a perfect hot weather kind of beer. And I didn't feel like cooking anything, so I ordered food from a place I really like. I'm going to give my hair a deep conditioning treatment tonight and do my nails. And then I'm going to find a good movie to watch and hang out with the kittens.

I made a vet appointment for them to get their shots and worm treatment. I think they both have worms. I'm not a vet, but the signs are all there. They both eat a lot and have healthy appetites but they are skinny with big bellies. The most likely have worms.

I need to force myself to go to bed early tonight. We are heading out at 6:30 AM tomorrow.

I can feel that hum in the air right before a show. The vibration in the air is hard to describe. I haven't felt this for the last couple shows. Maybe feeling it now is a good sign. PITC is a really fun show. I've never vended it before. But I know plenty of people who have vended and attended it. It's a fun show with a fun crowd. I think tomorrow is going to be awesome.

Been on a real Mind.In.A.Box kick lately. They are so under rated.

Cynder · June 4, 2023

So... I am in my PJs relaxing on my bed. I will write what I can about PITC. But honestly I am tired as hell and may not be able to finish it all tonight.

Straight and to the point... PITC exceeded any expectations I had for it, by far. This may have been the busiest I've ever been at any show ever. Like... this gives CPPD a run for its money. To put it in perspective, I was at Hell City for 3 days. Two 14 hour days and one 10 hour day. That's 38 hours of vending. PITC was 8 hours long and I made more money than I did at Hell City. There were several times today when there was a line at my booth. My new employee learned a lot about load in, setup and break down. But I didn't have time to teach her much else. She basically stayed off to the side and watched to make sure no one was stealing. Which is fine, not saying loss prevention isn't important. I feel bad though that that's all she got to do all day. But she also wasn't chained to the booth, either. She was allowed to go walk around whenever she wanted.

D wasn't able to come, originally... but apparently the Universe wanted him there, because he showed up with his son. Unfortunately we didn't get a lot of time to hang out. He popped in here and there. But my booth was full of people all day. We were talking about meeting for dinner somewhere after, like, all of us. But my helper needed to get home early, so we decided to do dinner some other time. With the money I made today I want to take him somewhere nice. There is a really good sushi place my brother and I go to occasionally when we have money to spend. It's not cheap at all. I would love to take him there.

The energy in the air today was just so high. The music was great. The crowd was awesome. It was perfect weather for an outdoor festival. I mean... if every show could be like this I would do them all.

The only not so great thing that happened today was when I got there and started setting up, my neighbor on the left side (A soap maker) had one of her tables sitting a good foot and a half over my line. At some shows there is a walkway between every booth. But usually the booths are right on top of each other. I mean, your booth butts right up against your neighbors and you share a boundary. When I got there and was figure out how we were going to do everything, I asked her if she was going to move the table. And she was like, "I'm trying to set up." And I said, "Well, I have gridwalls that are going along this side and it's in the way." And she's like, "I'll move it soon. I'm just trying to set up." Ok, it's not like this was a table that she just was piling stuff up on until she found a place for it. She was setting up displays and arranging the inventory really nice on this table. I remember thinking, "Why are you doing that when you have to move it?"

So, a little time passes and I've done everything I can do without putting the gridwalls up on that side of the booth because I'm giving her time. Then it got to the point where I had to put the gridwalls up on that side before we could move on with the setup. So I said, "Hey, this table need to be moved. I need to put these walls up on this side." She's like, "Well how much space do you need for the gridwalls?" I pointed to the very clear line marking the boundary between our spaces and said, "My gridwalls are going right along this line. The table is in the way." And she says, "Well can you just put up your walls so we can see how much space you need for them?" I used my hand to draw a line across the table (I didn't actually touch it, I drew it above the table to show her. I said, "Here's where the lone is. I have a 10x10 paces. Your table needs to be in your own space." And she says, again, "Well can you just put the walls up so we can see where you need them to be?" I had no clue what she wasn't understanding. I said, "I can't put my walls up with yuor table sitting there." And she's like, "Ok can you just take a deep breath?" There's no need to be hostile about it."

I will admit I was irritated by this point. But I didn't raise my voice. I didn't cuss, etc. If she thinks that was hostile she must have lived a very easy life where no one has ever gotten angry in her presence at all. I think I held it together pretty well. Most vendors I know would have been like, "What's so hard to understand lady? Get your sh*t out of my booth!" That is like vending etiquette 101. There are things you just don't do as a vendor and one is take up room in someone else's space. We all paid for the same 10x10. No one is any more important than anyone else. Did she really think I was going to just put my gridwalls around her table? Normally when the booths share a boundary I tell my neighbors they can hang stuff on the other side of my grids if it will help them out. But I didn't tell this chick that. Screw her.

I just hope that doesn't bite me in the ass later. I don't know who this woman is and how much pull she might have on the people in charge. People get blacklisted over stupid stuff like that. I really wish I would have gotten the interaction on video.

Other than that though, as far as festivals go, today was perfect. I wish they all could go like this. PITC reminded me why I got into this line of work.

I got the cheapest booth possible, too. And I pulled thousands today. They have a "premium" booth option that costs about what my booth at Hell City cost. I am almost wondering it next year it would be worth trying a premium booth and just not bothering with Hell City. The premium booths are more expensive because they are in spots with the highest visibility. The spot I was in today was considered a lower visibility area. But I was by the bathrooms, which is prime real estate. It means most people there will have to walk by you at some point. By the bathrooms, the food or the alcohol is where you want to be.

I'll think about it, do some research and weigh the pros and cons.

Yep... more of these guys...

Cynder · June 4, 2023

So, I think the decompression time after Hell City needs to come to an end. I don't have any shows for 6 weeks. Next one is HAMF. But, there are 8 weeks until RCTC and 11 weeks until CPPD. Out of the three coming up. CPPD is the one I am prepping the most for. I will admit I don't have high expectations for the other two, for different reasons.

HAMF is something I've never done before so I have no idea what to expect. SO it's easier just to expect nothing. But, I am a featured artist this year. And that's a pretty coveted position. So I will make sure I have something really cool to paint live in front of an audience. I will take a lot of prints, a lot of magnets, etc. D is most likely coming with me to that one, so there will be a skunk in my booth, also. I also got my spot for free. Which is convenient, yes. But I am skeptical of any free show. I've learned after almost ten years that you have to spend money to make money. Shows where setup is free usually attract a lot of MLM vendors (Mary Kay, Pampered Chef, Scentsy, etc.) Or the organizers just don't care and let the vendors do whatever they want, pretty much. But HAMF isn't free for everyone. It's free for me because I am featured. Featured artists are treated like rock stars from what I've been told. But being featured, painting live, etc, doesn't guarantee people will buy stuff. I'm sure it's going to be a lot of fun, if nothing else. But I don't have high financial expectations.

I also will admit I don't have high expectations for RCTC anymore, either. I did, but that was before the dumpster fire that was Hell City. RCTC is another tattoo convention. People have less disposable income now that the price of everything is going up. So at tattoo conventions they are saving their money for tattoos, not art prints and magnets. So, I'm not expecting much from RCTC. Maybe I will be pleasantly surprised. And it's also a 3 day event... long days... which I have to get a hotel for... and D most likely won't be able to be there. This is all sounding familiar. I've met other artists who've done it in the past and say it's awesome. But that was before all these changes in the economy.

I sold almost all my magnets yesterday. I will definitely be placing another magnet order.

I can't even express how much yesterday restored my faith in a lot of things. Honestly after HC this year I was flirting with the idea of quitting. After multiple shows flopped in a row I started questioning my future in the scene. Like, if the economy keeps going in this direction what will be left for people like me, etc. And I'm a one trick pony, which made it even harder to think about. All I am is an artist. I can't really do anything else right and I don't fit in anywhere else.

But, the price of everything is going up, so I've adapted by raising my prices. I raised the price of my prints by $5 each this year. And people still buy them. I sell my magnets for $5 each and I have a lot of people tell me I need to charge more. I saw people selling magnets for $12 at HC this year. That's a bit much, though. I wouldn't pay $12 for a magnet. I try to keep my prices based on what I would pay for something, etc.

I sold two original paintings yesterday. My Rainbow Baphomet and my Octopus sold. I have another Octopus sketched out that I haven't started yet. That makes me want to start the new one.

Anyway... I need to go get my lunch packed for work and take a shower and stuff.

Cynder · June 9, 2023

The last couple days have been almost surreal. It's weird having two days off in a row that are actual days off, like with nowhere to be, no shows, etc. I deep cleaned my kitchen and downstairs bathroom. I also got a lot of cleaning done in my studio, but it's not finished.

Last night I was cooking salmon filets at 2:30 in the morning. It is so nice cooking in an absolutely spotless kitchen. I got my over the sink dish drainer put together, too. It was a lot harder to put together than I imagined it would be.

I have two paintings in progress right now. One is of an octopus and the other is of a Puckwudgie. I've been wanting to paint cryptids lately. I go through phases like all artists do. For a long time I painted a lot of canines... wolves, foxes, dogs, etc. I also went through a period of painting a lot of nudes. I remember for a while I had to get approval from organizers for a lot of my paintings before a festival. Because some fesitvals don't allow nudes. None of mine were sexualized. But still, it amazes me that naked bodies are still offensive in this time.

When I look back I actually think it was my relationship with Z that killed that to some extent. Because whenever I would be working on a nude when she was around she always made fun of them or got pissed off at me for painting female bodies that have what she wants. She would say I need to do nudes of trans people, etc. And that was something I wasn't quite ready for. Some of my work has a lot of personal meaning behind it. Some doesn't. So many people think artists are just pouring out all this emotion into all of their work. And sometimes we are. But sometimes we make things just to sell. Paintings of nude trans people don't really have any personal meaning to me and I don't think they would sell to most of the clientele I cater to. Plus, I don't really want to deal with the questions and the criticism I would get for painting them. It's not that I can't take criticism. But right now in our society trans people are above all reproach and offending the trans community will get you crucified. I don't want a bunch of trans people coming at me with questions like, "Are you making fun of us? Is that what you think we all look like naked? You're not trans so what makes you think you have the right to paint that?" And I know there is no answer that won't just make it worse. Yes, I know they aren't all like Z. But the ones who are like Z are the ones who would be coming at me if I painted naked trans people.

D has modeled for a few artists, he has even modeled nude. There are paintings of him in a series that a pretty well known artist did of several trans people. Honestly if I was ever going to paint a nude of a trans person it would be him. But, I also don't think he would be comfortable with that because he wouldn't be anonymous. If I painted him most people would know it's him. The other artists who have used him as a model aren't people he was involved with.

I wonder what Z would think if she knew I was with another trans person? I mean, I know it doesn't really matter. But I would be curious to know. I'm sure she would probably twist it around and spin it like, "See! She has a fetish for trans people! And we all hate being fetishized! Look what an awful person she is!"

I remember when I was with her she would complain about not having more trans people to hang out with. I actually suggested we go hang out with D for that reason and she said no because he is fully transitioned and hanging out with someone who is fully transitioned would just piss her off. There was a time he was going to come over and hang out with us and she was making a big deal about that. She said she didn't want him coming over because he would trigger her. And then he had to cancel anyway so any drama was averted. But I remember stressing about that situation... like my friend wants to come over and I want to see him. But I know I'm going to get it from my girlfriend after he leaves.

And just for the record, if anyone is wondering, when I say D is fully transitioned, what I mean is he is as transitioned as he plans to be. People might be wondering why I'm saying he's fully transitioned if he hasn't had bottom surgery. Well, he doesn't plan on having bottom surgery. So his transition is complete. Top surgery and HRT is as far as he took it.

A lot of trans people don't have bottom surgery. One major reason for this is because it damages things down there to the point where a lot of them can't orgasm after and some can't even have sex at all after. Most people don't want to risk forced celibacy for the rest of their life or never being able to get off again.

Wow... so a diatribe about trans people wasn't what I had planned for this, but most of the time when I write in here it's just stream of consciousness anyway. I was talking about painting cryptids, but I also have some ideas for mythological creatures, too. Like, I want to paint a Merrow. It will be hard to sell these ones, but someone will come along who has always wanted a painting of a Merrow or a Puckwudgie. Honestly, my Puckwudgie will most likely end up with D. If he really wants it I won't make him pay for it. It will be a gift.

The work that sells the most is anything pop culture related. Especially anything I do that is horror themed. My horror stuff sells really fast. Horror characters painted in my style are pretty unique, too. Because my work is really trippy. So, there might be a thousand paintings of Pennywise floating around from different artists. But a psychedelic Pennywise is a little harder to find.

I get so many people in my booth who ask me how much acid I drop before coming up with my ideas. The answer is none.

Anyway, I need to go be productive for a while before work.

Cynder · June 10, 2023

Last night D and I were talking and he was telling me how frustrating it is trying to keep his house clean and that his son doesn't clean enough. And then he was going to bed so we said our goodnights. Well about 5 minutes later his son started messaging me. He is making a mask right now and he was sending me progress pics of it. This is an art project he's been working on on and off for a while. And we were talking about the mask, etc. And I was so tempted to tell him, "Hey, do me a big favor. Tomorrow just take ten minutes and clean something, ok?"

Honestly, he probably would have done it just because I asked. This kid absolutely adores me. He introduced me to his boyfriend as his step mom. And I was so tempted to ask him to clean something today, just to make D happy. But I didn't because I figured it's not my place. I don't. live there and I have no authority over his son. And also it could bite me in the ass. Because it might get interpreted as, "Well I confided in you that I'm frustrated with my son for not cleaning and then you ran and told my son." I doubt it would be spun that way, but I just didn't want to take a chance. The road to hell is paved with good intentions.

But maybe in the future I could kind of nudge A (From now on his son will be referred to as A) to do some cleaning. Like if he tells me he's eating or something, I could suggest he wash whatever dishes he dirtied. Idk... just thinking...

The idea of me having even the slightest influence over a teenager is funny to me. It's still hard for me to wrap my head around dating someone with a teenage son.

Cynder · June 12, 2023

So I'm taking a hiatus from Facebook again. At least with my main account. I still have my dummy account that is for when I want to hide. I took the app off my phone, too.

There is no grand reason why this time. Last time it was because of Z and company. There isn't any drama going on now. I just feel like I need a break from it. It's starting to feel icky, for lack of a better word. There's been a lot of drama amongst festival folk here lately and I see it all over the place every time I go on there. And even though I'm not directly involved in it I just don't want to see it. There are only a few people I actually know who are friends of mine on the dummy account.

I remember when I first started using that account. D is one of the few people I added. And when I first messaged him I was like, "Hi, this is *my name* I am using this account to lay low for a while. And his reaction was basically, "Yea? How do I know it's really her?" I told him to ask me something that I would know. He asked me what his dog's name is and what color his dog is. There were other questions. But those are the ones I remember. I like that that's how he handled it. Because anyone could have made that account claiming they were me. With all the drama in my life at that time, I know some people who would have, too.

I've said the festival scene is like one big dysfunction family. And I am handling drama there just like I handle it in my real dysfunctional family. By hiding.

When I first started doing this there were a few people I really looked up to and thought of as scene royalty. And now I've become a lot like them. Instead of being desperate and doing whatever show will accept me, and getting rejected from all the shows I really wanted to do, now I am invited to shows that are really hard to get into. I get contacted by organizers once or twice a week who want me at their festival. I feel bad that I have to turn a lot of them down just because of scheduling, etc. And in my opinion scene royalty doesn't get involved in drama.

But aside from that... I just feel like I'm evolving past it. At least past Facebook. I don't really get anything out of it anymore other than inspiration from the artists I follow, and work related information from all the vendor groups I'm in. I can do those things with my dummy account and not be bothered with anything else.

It's interesting that I say I'm evolving away from Facebook, but I really like TikTok. And so many people say TikTok is dumbing us down as a species and think it will literally destroy humanity. I actually don't even spend much time on it watching stuff. I upload regularly though and my videos are mostly art related or pet related. I have a lot of videos of the skunks and a lot of videos of myself painting/drawing. And I usually film what my booth looks like at events and post those videos there, too.

It's interesting that I post booth videos now because the only time I used to film my booth was for documentation. A lot of vendors do this. I take a video basically walking around the tent showing that all four corners are weighted, I'm withing my 10x10 boundary, my extension chords are secured so no one is going to trip over them, etc. And I also take a video of my spot right before leaving too, just to show that I cleaned my area, there's no trash laying there, etc. Organizers blacklist people for some really petty reasons. I document everything to cover my ass. This year at CPPD I even plan on having my GoPro on the whole time, including setup and breakdown. And I will take my phone with me when I go to the food truck because they tried to say I sent a volunteer to get food for me. It sucks that I have to go to this many lengths just to avoid any trouble. But I'll do it. CPPD isn't going to feel the same this year after almost being banned last year over nothing. This year I'm going to be paranoid all weekend. I mean, if they can just ban someone based on made up reasons they can make up a new reason this year.

Anyway... I've rambled long enough.

Time to put on a movie and lay down so the kittens can crawl all over me until I fall asleep, lol.

Cynder · June 12, 2023

I've been thinking a lot lately about my fascination with dark things and where it comes from. That's a part of myself I don't really open up about.

As a sheltered kid growing up in a small farm town I saw how corrupt a lot of people were and how our idyllic little town was actually full of awful people. Someone who held a pretty high position in the KKK lived a few miles up the road from us. There was one summer when a serial arsonist was burning down a lot of barns in the area and we were afraid they might take it up a notch and start setting houses on fire. There was also a time when a lot of dogs were disappearing from our neighborhood and dead body outlines were also being painted on the road with cryptic messages. But on the surface... you would drive through the town I grew up in and think, "Wow, what a nice little community." Where I lived growing up isn't where I live now, if anyone is wondering.

But aside from this... the stuff I was exposed to even in my own house was awful.

But the point of this post isn't to tell my life story and talk about all my childhood crap.

I've always been into horror movies. When I was really little my parents watched a lot of horror and never sent me out of the room or anything. So at a really young age I saw things that really messed me up because I thought this stuff was really happening. I would see Jason kill someone and think that person was actually being killed. And I grew up during the Satanic panic. So I saw a lot of stuff on TV about how these huge networks of Satanists are killing people all the time, etc. And my Dad... man, he told me stories that scared the piss out of me. He would say stuff like, "Yea, you know there was this little girl who looked just like you that some guy took away from her parents and burned her with a blowtorch and chopped her up into pieces. So you better watch yourself or that will happen to you." So as a kid I thought the world was just this really violent place where people were just dying all the time, in really violent ways, etc.

So as I got older I was still into horror, but I started taking it a little further than that and getting interested in underground stuff. Like the old school "video nasties" that people talked about. Faces of Death, Cannibal Holocaust, etc. I actually own all the Faces of Death movies on DVD. They are worth some money too because they are hard to find. They aren't as real as people think, though. Anyone with any basic knowledge of videography or video editing could tell you that just by watching them. It's obvious most of what they show is staged and professionally shot. In college I was an art major but I minored in Film. I've been involved in a lot of independent horror movies behind the scenes.

And now with technology there is stuff out there that makes the stuff I mentioned above look tame. It seems like I al always looking for disturbing content on some level. I watch a lot of true crime documentaries. I went through a phase a while ago where I listened to a lot of 911 calls. There are like 3 hour compilations of 911 calls on YouTube. But when I was listening to those calls, I would start to see stuff pop up on the sidebar that was really disgusting.

And then there are videos like Funky Town, Ghost RIder, Three Guys, One Hammer, etc, that are available to anyone online just by doing a google search. It's interesting how technology has put all this stuff right out in the open. I remember going to the small town video store as a kid and Faces of Death was in the back room and you had to be over 18 to rent it, etc. Now it's available on YouTube where anyone could see it.

I have no desire to watch any real gore. I don't want to see people being beheaded or burned alive, etc. That is way too much for me. But I have watched videos about those videos. Like, someone explaining who the people are and what happened after Three Guys, One Hammer leaked to the internet, for example.

And there are all these "Most disturbing movies ever made" lists floating around. One group of films that is on a lot of all those list is the August Underground movies. I actually know the people who made those. A good friend of mine was in one of them. He played a murder victim. We watched it one night at his house. It was a bunch of us and he was telling us about what it was like having to lay in the same position for over an hour while the actors kept messing up their lines, etc. And this is this really disturbing movie that most people couldn't even sit through, and here's my group of friends just chilling while watching it, etc. I thought the August Underground stuff was hard to get through not because of the content, but because they wanted it to look authentic they shot it on a VHS camcorder. It's supposed to be the home movies of two serial killers, basically. And the low quality of the video is the thing that bothered me the most. Knowing that the people behind them are just normal people really took away a lot of the shock.

I have thought a lot lately about why I'm drawn to this stuff. Because I'm not some depraved person. The only reasons I can think of is that violence was just so in my face as a child that I got used to it. And maybe also because knowing there are some really sick people out there who do some really sick things makes me feel like not such a horrible person, etc.

Cynder · June 13, 2023

As I continue to unpack things along my journey in life, my first serious bf has been on my mind. I have written about him here before. Reflecting back on that relationship now feels surreal. He was so antagonistic about everything. I swear he just got off on being a jerk. And since I saw my patents act like that all my life I just thought that's how things are.

I wonder if he ever got any therapy and started figuring things out for himself. Though it doesn't seem that way from reading his Twitter occasionally (which I will admit I do, because it's hilarious.) It's not hilarious because he's being intentionally funny, either. The man has NO sense of humor beyond things a 7th grader would find funny. It's hilarious because he is such a massive liar. He tweets about his days as a professional bouncer. He's never been a bouncer. And to anyone asking how I know that, members of my family are really close with members of his family. That's how we met. My aunt and his Mom were basically best friends and he grew up with my cousins. Also I think it's funny that the only pics he ever posts of himself are pics I took of him back when he was 21ish and hot. He did not age well at all.

Back then I went through a phase where I really liked to draw cars. Especially classic cars and exotic cars of any kind. And I did this charcoal drawing of a 1935 Duesenberg for my high school art class. It was a great drawing. My art teacher loved it. Even my parents loved it and that's saying something. I'm sure I still have it somewhere. But when he saw it he started giving me crap about it. He's like, "That's not a Duesenberg, that's a Model T. You don't even know what car that is!" etc. (If anyone is wondering... it was definitely a Duesenberg.)

And he started talking about how he knows one car I could never draw, and AC Bristol Cobra. I told him find me a picture, and I'll draw it. His response was, "I know you'll mess up at least 100 times on it." And if I could make it obvious through typing the tone of voice he used a lot... he was just so smug and arrogant when he spoke. I dated him for 5 years and oh my Gods... the amount of times I just wanted to throttle him. I'm not a violent person but he made me so mad on so many occasions that I literally wanted to punch him.

People are probably wondering why I dated him... that's a whole post in itself. I was pressured into that relationship by multiple people. But I also made the choice on my own. I could have just told all the people pressuring me to piss off. But I didn't.

Anyway... the AC Bristol Cobra... he never produced any pics. And then one day we were at his Uncle's house. And his Uncle had this really cool looking poster of a car hanging up. And I asked what kind of car it was. BF tells me it's a cobra. And then of course he has to add, "That's the car you could never draw!" I said, "I could draw that." and he says with this irritating smirk and in this smug ass tone, "Yea? Try drawing it with the hood open." I just walked outside. I was just so done with his crap.

He was attractive, so he got away with a lot, too. And he also knew how to play victim in a lot of situations. He had everyone and their brother convinced I was some psycho. He would try to get me to fight people, etc. Like, for a while he was telling me this girl who works at this gas station by where he works wants to kick my ass. And he would be like, "Yea, Katie from the gas station... she really wants to whoop your ass. It's so funny." I would ask why because I don't even know her. And I would get answers like, "Because she thinks you're a B*tch." And then he pulls up to the gas station later on that night grinning from ear to ear talking about how excited he is to see Katie. We go inside and there's Katie. And I walked right up to her and told her I"m sorry if I ever offended her and I don't want any trouble. She gives me a confused look and I told her he keeps telling me she wants to beat my ass. I knew he was lying. This was my way of calling him out and embarrassing him on purpose. I know it's not healthy. But I was like 18 at the time.... young and dumb.

I remember once we were at a restaurant and he kept talking about how big this random girl's boobs were. He was really blatantly staring at her and he kept making comments about it. And then he said, "I wonder what her bra size is?" I sat my fork down hard on my plate and said completely straight faced, "Would you like me to go over there and ask her? I'll tell her my boyfriend really wants to know her bra size. Would that make you happy?" Of course I wasn't really going to do this. It was my way of getting him to shut up about it. I was manipulative back then. I'll admit it. Neither of us were angels.

And I look back now and wonder why the hell I put up with that for so long. If D was half the jerk my ex was it would be over.

My ex used to talk about what a good artist he is. He would talk about all these amazing drawings he did... of course he didn't have any of them. People either destroyed them all because they were jealous or he had to throw them away because they all were so realistic they gave him nightmares. He would also brag about his 187 IQ. He only ever started talking about that after I took an IQ test my senior year of high school. After that I was hearing about his MENSA level intelligence all the time. Personally, I think IQ scores are meaningless. There are so many variables in the tests, etc. But according to that test, I have a high IQ. So because my IQ was high, he had to make sure his was like, ungodly high just to be better than me. He was the king of one-uppers.

He also used to tell this story about how he put a car engine together when he was two. His dad owned an auto shop and rebuilt engines. And supposedly there was an engine that was taken apart and all the adults were all out back and he put it all back together himself. Ok... that is so ridiculous on so many levels. For one, why the hell was a two year old left alone in an auto shop? What was everyone doing out back? Smoking weed? And considering how big and heavy a car engine is... how could he have even picked up most of the components as a two year old?

He used to write these long... idk what you would even call them. They weren't exactly poems but they weren't stories either. Prose maybe? But they were always about me and they were always really demeaning. It was always like, "Once there was a handsome and smart Prince who loved a maiden who was a little rough around the edges. And his parents and the whole kingdom knew the Prince could do better. But he loved her anyway..." They were all written in this weird fairy tale-esque old English style but with modern slang thrown in. And he would write this stuff and post it everywhere... Like my cousin had a blog about Wicca. And he would post these as comments on her blog on the off chance that I might see them. And I said earlier that I read his Tweets once in a while. He still writes these things. He will break them up into several tweets. I hope to God he has found another Maiden to write about and he still isn't writing about me. That's just creepy. But I did end up having to get a No Contact order against him and he is the ex who tried to hire someone to kill me. So it very well could be me he's still writing about. Thank Gods he has no way of contacting me. (He violated the No Contact order multiple times, also.)

Ok well... I need to stop venting about him now. I'm about to go to sleep and I don't want to dream about this a*shole.

On a positive note, there are few things more adorable than my innocent blond blue eyed nephew singing along to this song...

Cynder · June 16, 2023

It rained hard here tonight. There was loud thunder, lightning so bright it blotted everything out for a split second, tornado warnings, hail, weather warnings, etc. My lights went off a few times. It was wild.

So, I went outside on the porch and filmed a few videos.

But also, about a half hour ago I was sitting outside on the porch (It's almost 5AM here, still dark out, etc) drinking a glass of red wine and talking on the phone to D. I've been up all night painting and sketching out a new painting. He's been up all night doing online training for his peer counseling gig. We were both in kind of a goofy mood. And the following exchange took place.

I will admit I don't remember everything leading up to this. But at one point I told him, "You're what I've been looking for all my life."

And he said, "So you've been looking for a short tattooed German guy all your life?"

Me (with obvious sarcasm in my voice): "Yep. My lifelong fantasy."

Him (also full of sarcasm): "You as*h*ole. I love you."

Idk... it was a lot funnier to the two of us. I'm sure the humor isn't really coming across here but it was golden.

It is interesting though, that the first guy I ever had a serious crush on was from Germany. His name was Christian and he sat next to me in English class my sophomore year of high school. And every day before English class I always hurried into the bathroom to check my hair and makeup, etc, because you know, I have to look cute for Christian.

Physically he wasn't my type at all. He had a blond flat top haircut and wore thick glasses. He was actually pretty dorky looking. But it was the accent. That's what did it. He could have read a computer manual out-loud to me and I would have been swooning.

D doesn't sound anything like him, lol. But D has also lived here for a while. And he was from Cologne. D is from Braunschweig. Completely different areas.

I remember having this whole conversation once with my ex husband... He couldn't understand why all British people don't sound the same. I remember telling him, "Think of the way someone from Brooklyn talks, versus the way someone from Texas talks. They sound completely different but they are both American accents. It's that way in other countries too." But he just couldn't wrap his head around that.

I swear I didn't pick this song. It came on on it's own. But how appropriate?

Cynder · June 18, 2023

For no other reason, just felt like posting this song... I love the lyrics. I mean, I can't think of any bad Tool lyrics. But this song is one of my favorites.

Cynder · July 3, 2023

Idk why this has been on my mind lately... But I've been thinking a lot about the times people have gone off on me and gotten really mad at me over practically nothing. I'm not talking about family members. I'm talking about strangers and acquaintances.

At my old job I complimented this girl's dreamcatcher tattoo. It was a really well done tattoo and she had just gotten it. And then when she walked away this other girl I worked with was like, "What did you call her tattoo?" And I said it's a dreamcatcher. And she was like, "What's a dreamcatcher?" And I said something like, "In Native American culture they hang them above their beds to catch bad dreams." And this other l;ady who worked there who I didn't know and had never seen before (I think she was covering for someone else and so it wasn't her usual time to be there) she comes over and gets right up in my face and starts telling me how she doesn't appreciate me talking about her kind like that, and she's Indian and I need to keep my mouth shut. And she said Indian, she didn't say Native American. Ok, isn't Indian supposed to be really offensive? From what I hear even Native American is offensive now and the new PC term for them is just Native. So now I have this crazy woman pointing her finger in my face and raising her voice at me all because I complimented someone's tattoo and then explained what a dreamcatcher is. And she also had blonde hair and blue eyes which I think is funny, too. She was probably one of these white people who thinks she's 1/16th Cherokee or something because some relative told her she was. I told her I was sorry and she's like, "You'll be sorry if I ever hear that again."

At that same job another lady and I were standing outside talking once on break about how hard it is to find bras that fit right when you're busty. And I was telling her about this one store in our area that sells all bras made by the same company so they all fit the same, and the ladies there will measure you and tell you exactly what size to get. So you don't have to try on like 5 to find one that fits. (And no the store wasn't Victoria's Secret. It was a local store.) And then this other lady standing nearby starts going off about how bragging about how big my boobs are is really immature and that I'm not more of a woman than she is because I have big ones, and she had hers cut off because of cancer, and that makes her more woman than I will ever be, so I need to keep my damn mouth shut. It's not like I was standing there just going on and on about how big my boobs are. This other lady I was talking to was talking about how bad her back hurts and saying she is trying to get approved for breast reduction surgery. And that just lead into this whole conversation about problems big boobed girls have.

I have so many stories like this. Where I'm literally just having a conversation with someone, and someone in the room gets pissed off about something I said that to me seemed completely harmless. Most of this stuff happened to me when I was in my early/mid 20s. And this is part of the reason I'm so quiet now. I have just learned it's better when I don't talk. But now I have a lot of people who don't like me and think it's rude and/or stuck up because I don't talk a lot.

Actually, D's 18 year old niece helped me a lot at my booth at the last OM show I did. This was one of those situations where I didn't have anyone to help me, and D had the booth right next to me. She was there throughout the show helping him and she just started helping me by proxy. Like I would go to the bathroom or something and she would offer to watch the booth for me. I was really appreciative and gave her a free print, etc. But she told me later that she was actually kissing my ass and trying to get me to like her because she thought I just didn't like her. I asked her why she would think that and she said, "Because you're so quiet."

So, when I talk I piss people off. When I don't talk I am seen as rude and stuck up and people think I don't like them. Social situations are just a no win.

Jibralta · July 3, 2023

17 hours ago, Cynder said:

I have so many stories like this. Where I'm literally just having a conversation with someone, and someone in the room gets pissed off about something I said that to me seemed completely harmless. Most of this stuff happened to me when I was in my early/mid 20s. And this is part of the reason I'm so quiet now. I have just learned it's better when I don't talk. But now I have a lot of people who don't like me and think it's rude and/or stuck up because I don't talk a lot.

These people saw you as an easy target. They are bullies. A lot of people will tell you to turn the other cheek, and sometimes that is the wisest move (for example, at work). But I have found that the best thing to do is stand up for yourself, no matter how ugly it gets. Even if it comes to blows, even if you get beat up. Make it hard for them. All bullies are lazy cowards at heart and they give up really fast.

Cynder · July 7, 2023

I am revising one of the more polished chapters of the novel right now... I've been looking for repetitive words. I'm noticing that I used the word just a lot when I write and also I use really a lot. I am going through taking those out when they are not needed and replacing them with other words when necessary. Nine time out of ten when I use Just it's only a filler word. Removing it doesn't impact the story at all and doesn't hurt the flow of the writing. "She just walked away." is no different that, "She walked away."

I also go into passive voice and use a fair amount of filters. This is something that a lot of people do when they write early drafts, and then polish later on. Now I'm more aware of it, though. So I can try to do it less when I'm writing those early drafts. Like, instead of saying, "He saw the car parked across the street," just say "a car parked across the street." You're not supposed to tell the reader what your character is experiencing from an outside perspective. You're supposed to put the reader in your character's shoes.

I remember when my ex husband would have me read his novel and give him feedback. He used the word take all the time. And I hear people using it the same way in conversation, colloquially. It must be a regional thing. But people say things like, "He took and got in the car." "I'm gonna take and cook dinner." That drives me freaking nuts. It makes no sense. It's not grammatically correct. It just sounds dumb and redneckish.

My ex couldn't take criticism. I remember telling him once that he needs to stop using take so much. And he's like, "Well that's how people talk." Which, ok, he had a point because a lot of people say that. But at the same time it's so repetitive when all your characters say it and it shows up 5 or 6 times on a page.

But, here I am examining my own writing ticks and seeing my flaws in writing. I remember he read some of my stuff too and actually told me I was a better writer than him. That stuck out to me because it was one of the few times I've ever seen him admit that someone was better at something than he was. True, the man was talented in so many ways. He played multiple instruments. He wrote really haunting song lyrics. He was a film maker, etc. But he had a really hard time accepting that he couldn't be the best at everything.

But anyway... there is so much to the editing process. And I'm really loving the tedium of it. Identifying my strengths and my weaknesses has been so interesting. I'm so glad this dude decided to work with me. I'm revising the chapter he critiqued right now. But I can't wait to revise some of the other chapters and send them over to him. The process isn't cheap. I paid him $50 to critique 7k words. And I'm actually surprised it was that cheap. I was expecting to pay $100 at minimum.

But, I'm editing this chapter based on his suggestions. I can go on and edit the next chapter based on those suggestions, too. (at least on the technical level.) So the next chapter I send him will be a lot more polished.

Anyway... back to it...

boltnrun · July 7, 2023

You may be interested to know that AOC is working on introducing a bill in Congress that would legalize psychedelics for the treatment of PTSD and other conditions. She feels they are very beneficial. Many combat veterans support this as well.

Cynder · July 8, 2023

5 hours ago, boltnrun said:

You may be interested to know that AOC is working on introducing a bill in Congress that would legalize psychedelics for the treatment of PTSD and other conditions. She feels they are very beneficial. Many combat veterans support this as well.

Well some already are, to a degree. Certain ones are anyway. My BF has undergone Ketamine therapy for PTSD. And I'm not saying he goes and buys it underground from a dealer and takes it himself. He actually goes to a clinic and it is given to him by a doctor. I went with him to an appointment once.

I think psychedelics have a lot to offer humanity. It's just so easy to misuse them and that's why they have a stigma attached. I honestly believe I would be dead now without them.

Jibralta · July 8, 2023

Some time last year, I watched this documentary called Fantastic Fungi on Netflix. It was awesome. That is, it was awesome until it changed from a benign nature documentary into a shameless promotion of hallucinogens. When that happened, I turned it off.

I was really disappointed. What I thought was a beautiful documentary about interconnectedness was obviously a propaganda vehicle for some Big Money enterprise--probably some offshoot of the pharmaceutical industry. The fact that the government is now starting to back it proves my suspicions! Dirty government lol. I hate that sht.

I watched the same thing happen with weed. Industries put out propaganda and make it seem like we (ordinary people) had the idea to legalize, the we wanted it... but really they were stirring the pot, taking the temperature, and getting their ducks in a row to take advantage of the new market. Have you tried the legalized weed? It's crazy. Very powerful. The prescription stuff is even crazier. Some of it is like speed. Obviously engineered.

Anyway, I don't hate hallucinogens. In fact, they have always been my favorite drug. The only ones I ever paid for, I used to joke. I just hate the sneaky, sniveling greed mongers and their slimy little agendas.

Cynder · July 8, 2023

8 hours ago, Jibralta said:

Some time last year, I watched this documentary called Fantastic Fungi on Netflix. It was awesome. That is, it was awesome until it changed from a benign nature documentary into a shameless promotion of hallucinogens. When that happened, I turned it off.

I was really disappointed. What I thought was a beautiful documentary about interconnectedness was obviously a propaganda vehicle for some Big Money enterprise--probably some offshoot of the pharmaceutical industry. The fact that the government is now starting to back it proves my suspicions! Dirty government lol. I hate that sht.

I watched the same thing happen with weed. Industries put out propaganda and make it seem like we (ordinary people) had the idea to legalize, the we wanted it... but really they were stirring the pot, taking the temperature, and getting their ducks in a row to take advantage of the new market. Have you tried the legalized weed? It's crazy. Very powerful. The prescription stuff is even crazier. Some of it is like speed. Obviously engineered.

Anyway, I don't hate hallucinogens. In fact, they have always been my favorite drug. The only ones I ever paid for, I used to joke. I just hate the sneaky, sniveling greed mongers and their slimy little agendas.

I've heard about that documentary and I haven't watched it for that reason.

Some people have such a black and white way of thinking when it comes to this issue. It is so much more nuanced than that. There are people who think any illegal substance is evil no matter what the circumstances and there are people who think weed is a miracle cure-all that will fix any medical problem. And there are also people who think psychedelics will fix any mental health issue.

I am someone who had a really positive experience and I consider my story a success story. But for every story like mine there is a horror story. Sadly there are a handful of people who came back from Ayahuasca ceremonies and then went and killed themselves because the experience was so traumatic.

I see what you're saying too about all the propaganda. It's like this stuff has been around forever and it's been seen as taboo for so long... until some rich powerful people realized they could make a lot of money.

I have tried medical weed, in the form of edibles. And yea. it's no joke.

Cynder · July 8, 2023

When I'm at work I listen to Youtube videos a lot. Sometimes I will just find something interesting and just let autoplay decide what to watch next. Last night a documentary about the KKK started playing and I actually listened to the whole thing. It wasn't promoting it. It was just talking about the history of the organization. And I almost felt guilty for listening to it because I kept thinking I'll get called racist if anyone knows I listened to this.

It got me thinking about all the times in my life I've been accused of that. And I'm not a racist. But when you're accused you can't say that because it always gets flipped around and framed as "If you have to explain that you're not something, then that's exactly what you are." I don't get that way of thinking. When someone is accused of something of course they want to defend themself. But with racism particularly you can't do that without throwing more fuel on the fire.

I had some lady at a bar just straight up ask me with a big smile on her face if I was in the KKK. And that became this whole thing with my circle of friends at the time. She was new in town and really wanted to know about local history. The bartender told her to come and talk to me because I know a lot of that stuff. And so after like ten minutes of conversation she just comes out with, "So are you in the KKK?"

She said it was because of the leather wristbands I was wearing. She said she heard somewhere that that was a secret way for members to recognize each other in public. I told her I had never heard that before and if it is then I'm not wearing them anymore.

One of my friends who was with me that night decided there must be some level of truth to what the lady was saying and I must have been just acting like I didn't know what she was talking about because I didn't want to admit it, etc. Really...? There was a situation where I worked at the time where 5 black employees were basically getting whatever they wanted (raises, promotions, special treatment, etc) because they were constantly threatening to call the NAACP. I wrote a blog post about how it must be nice to just be able to make that threat and get whatever you want. Well, my friend who was there that night at the bar just used that as more evidence for this whole theory she had about me being a secret KKK member.

My Grandpa was a member of the Knights Of Columbus for most of his life. The K of C's (as he called it) is an organization for Catholic men. They do a lot of charity work, etc. Well, because he reached a certain rank he got this really cool sword. And I used it in a photo shoot when I was working on my Tarot cards. I showed it to that same friend and told her it's my Grandpa's sword from the Knights of Columbus. And she's like, "And that's something you're proud of?" She was convinced the K of C's were an offshoot of the KKK and that they basically promoted all the same ideas, etc. This got so ridiculous. She would talk about how if it's a family thing, I don't have to be part of all that just because my family is. I'm not, nor is any of my family in the KKK.

And the kicker is later on down the line she outed herself as a racist. Most of the people who've accused me of that have, at some point. It's all projection.

The KKK is active in my area, though. It's not something I'm proud of. It's just the truth. Some high ranking member (I forget what his title was) lived up the road from me growing up. I worked with a KKK member once and actually got to the point where we had conversations about his beliefs and why he felt the way he did. This dude hated anyone who wasn't white, straight, American and Protestant. And while I don't agree with him, it was interesting hearing his story and what lead him down that path.

Well, hopefully I'm not on a list now because I listened to the whole documentary. Lol...

Cynder · July 14, 2023

I have been writing a lot today... Lately I've had a lot of anxiety about not finishing this novel before I'm dead. I know that's a weird thing to be anxious about. But considering my family history, I probably don't have a lot of time left. I feel like this book and one other book need to get written before I'm gone. It's weird... I feel like it's part of why I'm here.

And it's sad now, looking back because when I was younger I was so set on being a career author. That's all I wanted to do. I wanted to major in English, etc. My parents convinced me this would never happen. It was framed as, "You're too stupid to ever write anything anyone will want to read. And you're too stupid to major in English. And by the time you're an adult computers will have taken over and no one will read books anymore anyway." I'm not kidding. These were the three reason I was given multiple times for why I would never be an author. And so for a long time I just gave up.

I was also given a whole host of reasons I would never make it as an artist, either. But I got a full ride to art school, so that shut them up.

Whenever a family member read any of my stories I was just told they all were garbage. People wanted to focus on small errors like forgetting a comma somewhere and dismiss the whole thing as crap.

I won a fiction contest when I was 12 and had a story published. But even after that it was, "Oh well, that was just luck."

It's also funny that authors are not punctuation and grammar Gods. That's why there are editors. My family could easily dismiss a whole story as crap because of one punctuation error.

It was about ten years ago that I started writing all these short stories, just for myself. I would post them on Reddit and that's as far as it ever went. But it was because of Reddit that I actually decided it's time to do something with all these stories. I have people on Reddit who discuss my work like they are discussing a famous person's work. People have actually debated and come up with theories about stuff I wrote. People say I write like Hemingway, Hunter S. Thompson, and recently Bret Easton Ellis. (He wrote American Psycho which a lot of people think is the most disturbing novel ever written... and there are parts of it that are pretty hard to get through.) My writing coach read 7k words of the novel and said I write like Hunter S. Thompson and also Jack Kerouac. So now I'm listening to a Jack Kerouac novel at work. Might as well get familiar with who I sound like.

I'm hoping I do well enough at HAMF this weekend to pay for another 7k words. I am too poor to pay his regular fee. So I'm paying as I go. D does some contract work for him and that's part of how I was able to get this privileged. Dude has written over 50 horror novels and has been an editor for some pretty well known people. I'm really grateful he was even willing to talk to little ole' me. I'm nobody. My boyfriend just happens to do work for him from time to time.

Other than that... I am not looking forward to HAMF at all. I don't even want to do it. I have no expectations. D was supposed to help me... he volunteered back when I was invited. I didn't pressure him to or anything. Now he's not able to because he just doesn't have to mental faculty to do it.

Between everything going on with him and this season just flopping... this season has come the closest to breaking me. And I had such high hopes. In the weeks leading up to Hell City I've never been so excited for a season.

WCF didn't accept me and I'm kind of glad they didn't. I don't have the mental fortitude to do a 6 day festival. This means now I can do SF... if D even still wants me to. That is his event. I was just going to be along for the ride and sharing his booth. Anymore I don't really assume I've secured any place in his life. I'm pretty much just operating under the assumption that this relationship will end soon. I don't want it to. But I'm bracing for it.

So.. as much as I don't want to be at HAMF on Saturday... at least I have a goal for it. To make enough money to have 7k more words critiqued and edited.

My novel is dark and violent. I finished three good scenes tonight. I sent one of them to D. He used to read my stuff all the time. He actually read it and told me what he thought of it which surprised me, in a good way. He says the Ketamine treatment did nothing. But I see changes. But one again... I won't get excited. I keep my expectations low because it's safer.

Cynder · July 15, 2023

So, HAMF ended up being a complete bust. I mean, I made some money. But this was an event ruined by the weather. I have only packed up and left early three times in my entire career, and one of them was tonight.

The people a few booths down were packing up and they seemed like the were in a hurry. I know them, they are OM people. I went and asked them if everything was alright. They said their was a massive thunderstorm warning, calling for 40 MPH wind and hail.

So I had to make an executive decision. I talked it over with my help. We decided the best thing to do for everyone was to leave before the chaos started. It wasn't worth risking damaging my tent and a lot of inventory. And this event wasn't advertised well, either. So practically no one was there.

The lady across from me only made $5. The OM people who were packing up hadn't sold anything. I made almost a hundred by that point. So I was satisfied with that for the time we were there. We packed up and were pulling out just as the rain started. And a few others were packing up too.

D was at another festival today in another city. He was there collecting donations for the animal rescue. Last I knew, he had only gotten $2 in donations all day. This was a couple hours ago. Hopefully it got better for him. And it rained and stormed where he's at, too.

So, that was my experience at HAMF. Nothing to write home about.

RCTC is coming up though and I do have high hopes for that one.

Cynder · July 30, 2023

Ok well... RCTC has been a complete and utter disaster so far. And I don't have any hopes of it getting any better because Sunday is usually the slow day at festivals.

I hoped this show would make up for Hell City, at least a little. When will I learn my lesson about not hoping for anything? Honestly I would go back and redo Hell City before I would do this shtshow.

Hell City had high overhead and I broke even. But I had nice neighbors. I met some cool people. Etc.

At this show I have a complete ass for a neighbor on one side. My neighbors on the other side are nice but they are very quiet and keep to themselves.

I've seen things this year in the scene that I've never seen before. Not only have I had more rude customers this year than I've had the previous 9 years. But I've seen vendors do things that made me shake my head and wonder why the hell they thought that was ok.

I have only ever lost my cool with a customer once. And I've never lost my cool with another vendor. I have been annoyed with other vendors and just kept my mouth shut. I'm not proud of myself at all, but today I did both... within a few minutes of each other. I was put in a situation with my ass of a neighbor and another customer that was just overwhelming and I snapped at them both.

A little backtracking... My neighbor is one of those fake nice people. Her inventory is similar to mine. I don't see other artists as competition. If someone likes my work they will buy it. Same with any other artists who are near me. Well, I set up on Thursday night. She set up on Friday morning. I got there on Friday when she was still setting up. And she starts telling me that our stuff is similar and they shouldn't havevput us next to each other. I just shrugged it off and said there's really nothing we can do. And she was like, "Well, there's empty tables up that way. One of us could move." It was obvious she was trying to get me to move. Um... this isn't a free for all where everyone just picks their spot. The booths were assigned. Those empty tables belong to other vendors. I'm not going to steal someone's spot. Plus I was right by the bathroom and by the bar. Prime real estate.

Then Friday was really slow. And I only slept a few hours. So I had to go get coffee a couple times. She kept making comments about how I should just close up and leave since I'm tired. She said this a few times. "Oh if you're tired I don't think anyone would care if you left..." etc. Lady... I've been doing this for years. This isn't my first rodeo on 3 hours of sleep. I've done festivals on no sleep.

But then today...

All weekend long I've had to explain to people that my paintings don't glow in the dark. It's part of my style. I don't work with UV paint anymore because it's a pain in the ass. But I am a master at making colors pop and so my stuff looks like it would glow under a blacklight. And glowing in a UV light and glowing in the dark are two different things anyway. The fact that my stuff looks UV but isn't is something that is part of my style. Like Thomas Kincaid is known for making his paintings look lit up... MY paintings look like they're glowing. I get this all the time, "Oh I love that! But I don't have a blacklight so it won't look like that in my house." Then I kindly point out that there is no blacklight shining on them. This amazes people and it's something I'm really proud of.

Well, my neighbor has heard me say this to a few people. And she comes over with a UV flashlught. She said she is sure my paintings are UV reactive and she's going to prove it right now. So she starts shining her UV flashlight on my paintings and telling me they are glowing. Well, no they're not. I don't know if she doesn't understand what UV light is or what.

She told me she collects uranium glass and she uses the UV light to identify it.

Well, I'm still on a mission to get along with all my neighbors. And for a time I was really interested in nuclear energy, etc. And I thought uranium slag glass was the coolest thing on the planet. (I still think it's pretty cool. I have some.) Years ago I got a bracelet from another vendor that has uranium glass beads mixed in with some stone beads. I don't wear it because I'm afraid of losing it or breaking it. The uranium beads are vintage. So I value it a lot. I do carry it with me in my shoulder bag that I take to shows, though. It's an interesting conversation piece. I've pulled it out to show people before, etc.

So, my idiot self decides I'm going to show my neighbor my uranium bracelet. And she had another customer at her booth when all this was going down. So I took it out and showed it to her and she shined her UV light on it. And of course it glowed because it's uranium.

Well, she decides she wants it and starts asking me if I'll sell it to her. I told her no because uranium glass is hard to find and I want to hold onto it. Well then her and this customer who was standing at her booth start pressuring me to sell it. She was saying things like, "Everything has a price. Anything can be sold." She was asking me why I can't sell it. I told her I just don't want to part with it.

This chick is an artist but she also makes jewelry. So she offered to take it apart and use a few of the beads to make me a bracelet for free. Uh... I already have a bracelet made of these beads. Why the hell would I want you to take it apart and make me a different one? And then she's like, "Well can I just have three or four of the beads. I can take the clasp off and take them off and re-attach it." And this customer is also really trying to convince me, too.

I told her no, that's it. I'm not selling it or any part of it. And I set my water bottle down kind of aggressively hoping she would get the hint that I'm annoyed.

At one point I even told her I shouldn't have even showed it to her.

And so then... the customer that had been cheering her on walks into my booth. She really likes my Mermaid painting. She asked how much a print of it would be. I told her. And then this conversation happened:

Her: "So how does the print effect the canvas?"

I asked what she means?

She's like, "Does making prints of the painting effect the canvas?"

I said, "No. I take high resolution photos of all my paintings and that's what I make the prints from."

Her, "Yea, but doesn't that effect the canvas?"

I just told her no because I had no clue what the hell she was talking about.

So she decides she wants a print. I have three bins of prints and I have my backstock bin where everything is divided into folders and I know right where everything is. But first I started looking in this one bin because I thought one of the mermaid was toward the front of that bin. She's like, "Well would it be in this one?" I said, "I'm pretty sure there's one in this bin." Then she points to the third bin and says, "Well what about that one?"

I said, "I'll find it, relax."

So I opened the backstock bin and knew right where to go. And then before I can pull it out she says, "It's ok I'll come back later." I closed the lid of my backstock bin hard because I was just so pissed at this point.

I'm barely making any money... And then I have two women pressuring me to sell something that isn't for sale and then one can't wait seconds for me to pull out the print she wants.

I had to take some deep breaths after this. I tried to apologize to my neighbor. I told her I just didn't know what to do with being pressured like that. And she said, "Sorry you thought that was pressure." At that point any attempt to apologize was just out the window. I just said, "Well it was." And I didn't engage with her after that.

I'm sure I probably handled this wrong. I just was at my limit. That's not an excuse... but it's the truth.

Cynder · July 30, 2023

Boy oh boy... does this song describe the way I feel tonight.

I've done nothing but cry since I left the venue. Even when I was writing out that whole story about the neighbor.

This season has me rethinking everything. And i was so excited. I don't know why I get excited for anything anymore. The only shows that weren't complete busts this year have been OF and PITC. Everything else has bombed. I don't know how I'm going to pay my mortgage this month. I owe people money that I don't have.

I know this isn't my fault. It's the economy. But the timing... I have spent ten years climbing the ladder and now I am someone who is sought after in the scene... And the economy is going to ruin it all. COVID ruined so many things for so many people and I was so naive. I thought things would get better once large gatherings of people could happen again. And they did for a while. Now we are seeing the long term issues with wages going up, etc. People are making more then ever before but have less disposable income. Art is a luxury that people don't need.

I don't look forward to shows anymore. And they were the only thing I even had to look forward to, so I don't look forward to anything anymore. CPPD is coming up... that's my big one. And I don't even want to go.

I guess all I can do is thank all the Gods that I didn't sight up for the flippin' Neptune Festival. That was the huge one I was considering earlier this year. I feel like the only smart thing I've done all year was decide to not do that one.

Now I'm going to take come Tylenol PM and lay down and hop I can sleep/ I don't even want to go tomorrow. I'm so over everything right now.

Cynder · August 21, 2023

I don't know if this will be a very long post because I"m not feeling way and want to go to sleep. But just an update... CPPD completely restored my faith in myself, in my business, in the whole scene, and even a little in Humanity. My experience there this year was so positive that I feel like my cup is full again. I haven't painted anything in over 2 months. And now all I want to do is paint. There was another artist two booths down from me who was amazing. She gave me a touch of imposter syndrome, honestly. Because I walked into her booth and all I could think was, "Wow, these paintings are phenomenal... I will never be this good." But later on in the weekend she came into my booth and was looking, and we got to talking. And she actually told me she felt like her work sucked compared to mine. I've never experienced that mutually before. For me it's so hard to believe that any artist would compare their work to mine in a negative way. I honestly don't even like a lot of my own work. SO to hear someone who I think is leaps and bounds more talented say that was a huge boost to my confidence.

I bought a print and a bunch of post cards from her.

But aside from that... three people came to my booth this weekend and told me they started painting over the last year because they were so inspired by my work. Honestly, that makes me feel like more of an artist than any gallery show I've ever had, or any award I've ever won, etc. I have always felt this need to inspire people. And I've always felt like that would never happen because I'm nobody. But apparently it does happen. One lady painted a whole mural in her bedroom that was inspired by my Minerva painting.

Seeing all the vendors I only see once a year at CPPD was awesome. CPPD is one of the few events I do where the vendors really are like family, even if we don't see each other that much. We are all tight on facebook, etc. Situations like this are why I haven't deleted my facebook account. But, the comradery amongst the vendors is really amazing. I mean... on Friday I discovered that my hundred foot extension cord was missing. So I texted a few of the other vendors and asked if anyone had an extra one I could borrow for the weekend. And multiple people offered to help. I mean, I know it's just an extension cord. But stuff like that means a lot to people. There are other events where some of the vendors are really cutthroat and crappy to each other. Aside from my ex, no one has any beef with anyone there.

The staff was really nice to me this year. CPPD offers a lot of vendor packages. A regular unsponsored booth is under $100, which is unreal to me considering how huge the event is. But the vendors who've been there a long time climb the ladder to eventually become a high level sponsor, which I am. I am on the highest tier. People on my level are given the best spots where there is the most traffic. We are given a lot of advertising, and we are given a pretty nice swag bag every year. We get our booth for free. But we make a pretty big donation to the festival itself. My swag bag had more stuff in it than everyone else who showed me there's. I also got a really nice letter from the organizers telling me that I've helped make this event what it is, and they hope any past circumstances haven't made me think differently about the event, etc.

There are so many beautiful people at CPPD every year. And I don't necessarily mean conventionally attractive. I mean, there's plenty of that, too. There are some absolutely gorgeous creatures walking around in very little clothing. I saw so many beautiful bodies this weekend. But, aside from that... there are so many people at CPPD every year who are unusual looking. animated, and look like they should be characters in a movie. There was a guy in my booth who looked about a hundred years old. He was wearing black gi pants, leather sandals, and a dashiki. And he had really long white dreadlocks and a massive white beard. And I was watching him in my booth thinking, "Man.. I bet he has so many stories. I would love to sit down with him for a few hours and hear all about his life." So, that's the kind of beauty I'm talking about. People who just draw you in and you want to know all about them, etc. And this is a festival where most people have that kind of energy. There are people there from so many different walks of life, from all over the country, and practically everyone there is someone who instantly turns heads, and has no doubt lived a really interesting life.

If every festival could be like this one, I would quit my day job. It's not all about the money, but I made bank this weekend, too. I sold 7 original paintings which is a new record for me. I haven't counted prints yet, but I know I sold at least 150 prints. My magnets got completely annihilated over the weekend. Which is great and it means I need to order more before WF.

Anyway... I am falling asleep. There is more to tell, but I will save that for later.

Cynder · August 21, 2023

Ok, so now that I am wide awake in the middle of the day, I will finish writing about CPPD.

D was there all day on Saturday. He was in and out of my booth all throughout the day. But he had his phone on and was paying attention to it, so if i needed any help (like watching the booth while I went to the bathroom, etc) he came and helped. It was great getting to hang out with him, especially at that show, because it's one that has meaning to us. He was planning on coming on Sunday, too. But he was actually asked by the people in charge to not come on Sunday. Why? Because he pissed someone off and they complained. He jokingly called someone an exhibitionist and they got all butthurt and told the organizer that he offended them. He's not banned for life... but he was asked to not come back on Sunday.

And something else regarding that whole situation... The lady he calls Mom was there on Friday. Her and I talked for a long time about what he's been going through, etc. I have been afraid to talk to anyone else who knows him about any of this. For one, I don't want to be two faced. And I also have always been afraid that if I brought it up whoever I talked to would get really mad and run straight to him and repeat everything I said. But she was actually the one to bring it up. She said he really needs to get out of this funk, and that this is the reason she doesn't really talk to him or hang out with him anymore. She can't handle all the negativity. He always talks about how bad his life is and how bad he has it... but whenever anyone says anything positive or tries to be helpful, it's just brushed off. These were her words, not my words. I told her I am exhausted too when it comes to him and that I don't have anyone to talk to other than my therapist. And she said I can always call her if I need to talk. So, as much as he might not appreciate that, I may take her up on the offer because it would be nice. She even told me her and M (his husband) have been talking a lot and M is getting to tired of it that he is considering separating again.

And then another mutual friend of ours was in my booth on Saturday and we were talking about him and what he's going through. This friend, J, was not as blunt as Mom was. Mom has more of a tough love approach. J has a more gentle approach, but J even said he needs help other than just going to therapy.

And while this conversation was going on, another friend of his, A, came walking into my booth. Now, A isn't a mutual friend. I barely even know her. She when she came walking in and said Hi, I did the finger to the lips gesture to J, like telling him to stop talking because I don't know if A is just going to run to D and tell him that we were talking about him. But surprisingly A was like, "Yea I'm here celebrating my birthday." J and I both told her Happy Birthday. And then she was like, "I wanted to come and check things out early before D gets here. I don't really feel like dealing with his crap today. I know he's going through a lot but enough's enough."

So that really surprised me. Here J and I are having this conversation about how concerned we both are for him. And then I stop it because I don't want A to hear and get the wrong idea and think we are talking crap... Then A proceeds to stand there and talk crap.

But J said something that really hit hard. He said, "It's so obvious he loves you so much. Every time your name comes up in conversation he just lights up. But he's had to rely on himself so much all his life that he doesn't really know how to trust anyone."

J and I made plans to go to one of the Gnostic Masses that the OTO lodge has every other Sunday. The OTO lodge always has the booth next to me. I've always wanted to go to one of their events but no one else ever wants to go. And it's not that I wouldn't go alone. I just have no way there. Uber to their location would be over $200. So J and I were talking in my booth and this customer was in there. We all three got talking about the OTO, etc, and we all three decided to do this together. The customer even took both our info and said he would get ahold of us. So, I hope this actually happens.

I've been at CPPD every year since 2015... and this is the first year it hasn't rained at some point. Every year prior, it has rained at some point during the three days. But not this year. This year though, on Sunday it was so hot and muggy that people were actually experiencing heat exhaustion and they had to set up a cooling off tent for people.

So, now here I am relaxing on my bed. I have a little bit of the festival flu going on... Festival flu is also called Con Crud... Vendors get sick a lot at/after events. Being out in the extreme heat for three days, eating food that is less than healthy, plus having to scream over loud music for three days has me feeling pretty icky. My throat hurts. I come close to losing my voice every year at CPPD. So since I made crazy money this weekend I decided to actually order a smoothie and a protein bowl from this really good smoothie/juice place in my town. I almost never use DoorDash because it's a waste of money. It turns a $12 order into a $30 order. But, since I'm not feeling well and I did so good this weekend, I decided to give myself a treat and splurge a little. I got a citrus smoothie with an extra vitamin C shot, and a protein bowl with peanut butter, blueberries, granola, almonds, and a little honey just to sweeten it up a bit. Omg... best thing Ive had in days. I do have to work later, so I'm going to just chill and relax until it's time to get ready.

Cynder · August 24, 2023

I am finally starting to feel somewhat alive again after having the flu since Monday. What I thought was a little cold just got worse and worse.

D was telling me about this really good medicine they sell at Walgreens. But the Walgreens in my town closed a few years ago and CVS didn't carry it. He offered to buy it and drive an hour to bring it to me. I told him he doesn't have to do that. I appreciate the offer but that would be a lot of gas, etc.

And so... today I've been more awake and coherent than I have been the last two days. And I got a text from this lady who bought something from me at CPPD. I have carried runestones off and on in the past. I carry art, etc that is made by my employees too, when I'm allowed. At some shows they don't allow that. The artist who paid for the booth is the only one allowed to sell art. But at CPPD it's not an issue.

Well, this lady bought a set of runes from me. And I guess some of them were missing from the bag. She texted me Tuesday but I didn't see the text. I was asleep most of the day Tuesday and Wednesday. Well today I got another text from her. This time I was awake and holding my phone so I saw it come through. She was like, "I'm really shocked that you're just going to ignore me and not correct this. Especially since at the festival you stood in your booth and talked about how great your "customer service" skills are. It's all good. You don't have to give me my money back or anything. I'll be sure to tell everyone about this, including the people in charge of the festival. Have a nice days honey!"

Ok... I don't remember standing in my booth and telling anyone how great my customer service skills are. Seriously, what business owner talks like that. "Oh Jee... you want to buy these runes? Awesome. I have great customer service skills!" And she put customer service n quotes in the message too. In ten years this is the first time anyone has ever contacted me for a refund or a return. So why would I be touting on and on about my customer service skills when I've never really had to use them aside from waiting on customers at the booth?

I texted her back and said, "Well actually I've had the flu and I've been in bed sleeping the last couple days. I just saw your messages. Do you have Cashapp? I will send a refund right now."

She sent another long text berating me about how I ignored her messages for two days, how I saw them and didn't say anything, and how I should have just told her I was sick.

I told her again that I didn't see the messages until now and asked where she would like me to send her refund. She sent me her cashapp. And I asked how much the runes she bought were, because there were a few different prices. Well, she is trying to say they were $57. They weren't. I had one $40 set, and a couple $20 sets, and a bunch of $16 sets. None were $57. I sent a message back and said, "If that was your total, I need the cost of just the runes." This was about an hour ago and she hasn't answered.

Multiple things don't add up here. The price is wrong and I don't remember any conversation with a customer about my great customer service skills. Obviously she was in my booth at some point because she had my phone number, which she could have only gotten from my signage. (I did away with business cards because they are wasteful. I have a sign that is basically a big version of my business card for people to take pics of.) I haven't even seen any proof that there were any runes missing from the bag. I think some Karen is just trying to scam money off people. It would be really easy to just go around any festival and get business cards, etc from all the vendors and then be like, "I am not happy with my purchase. Give me my money back or I'll tell on you!"

And the fact that she was so aggressive... She gave me the wrong price and now doesn't want to answer, probably because she knows I caught her lying. Idk if I should reach out to the vendor coordinator and tell her what's going on and say if this lady reports me here's what happened.

So while I was typing this she responded. She claims she bought runes and two prints. Well, runes and two prints still doesn't add up to $57. But she wants her whole purchase refunded instead of just the runes. I told her, "If you bought other items, I don't see why I should refund you from them, since nothing was defective about them. I will refund the cost of the runes." So I sent the refund via cashapp and she's still texting me complaining. I texted her a very apologetic text and told her to have a good evening. If she continues texting I'm blocking her number.

This gimme gimme gimme culture is getting old. There is a trend now at festivals of random people walking around with QR codes printed on stuff and asking whoever they want to ask for donations, for their weddings, graduations, etc. Idk... I couldn't imagine walking up to someone with a QR code and being like, "I'm getting married next month. Donate to my honeymoon fund?" It just seems so tacky and desperate. This summer it's been happening because organizers haven't really had a chance to crack down. But I bet next summer people will be kicked out for doing that. It's basically digital panhandling.

And this chick is most likely scamming people. She probably got business cards from multiple vendors and is trying this. And most vendors, like me, will just give her a refund because it's not worth the trouble of fighting it, especially when she's threatening to report us to the organizers.

Anyway... Since I've been up since 5AM and my sleep schedule is screwed up, I think I'm going to lay down for a bit so I can stay up all night and be rested up for work tomorrow night.

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