Life On The Rocinante' (After Dark!)

[Cynder]

D must have really missed me yesterday.  He told me three times how much he missed me, lol.  I won't pretend I don't enjoy being missed.  I wish there weren't logistic barriers to us seeing each other more.  He lives an hour away and I don't drive.  I know people are reading this thinking, "Take a taxi or a bus."  Ok... buses in my city don't run all the way to where he lives.  And cab fair round trip to his city would cost me about $250.  I just don't have that kind of money laying around.  He has no problem driving down here.  But like cab fair, gas isn't cheap either.  And he works a lot.  People might think we are making excuses...  but adulting gets in the way of relationships sometimes.  When we do see each other it makes it a bigger deal.  We talk every day. 

Me not being able to drive has caused problems in every relationship I've ever been in except for when Amy and I were together because she didn't drive either and we lived within walking distance of each other. 

Everyone says it's not a problem in the beginning.  And I am all for helping with gas.  I figure that's the least I could do.  If I can't drive to see someone and they are always driving to see me, I can pay for some of the gas.  But it's always been an issue.  I've had exes make fun of me for not being able to drive.  I've had exes accuse me of just faking not being able to drive out of laziness, etc.  Trust me... there is no way I would ever fake not being able to drive.  Not being able to drive has limited my opportunities in life so much it's sad.  It has limited my social life, my employment opportunists, etc.  I've been turned down for jobs because I can't drive.  There are so many ignorant people out there who think that when someone doesn't drive they just never leave their house.  I've had people look me straight in the eyes during a job interview and tell me they would love to hire me, but how am I going to get to work?  They need someone who will show up.  The urge to be like, "Um, I got here for the interview didn't I you dumb*ss." It sucks that so much weight is put on an optional document like a driver's license. 

I know I've written a lot about exes lately.  Idk...  my current relationship just has me thinking about past relationships.  I hope D doesn't realize one day that I am not worth the hour drive to see. 

I don't need to see my SO all the time and I don't even need to be in constant contact with them.  That's something that really turns me off, actually.  I can't handle someone needing to text me all day every day and needing to be up my ass all the time, either through messages or in person.  And D has told me he can't handle that either.  This was before we were even dating.  It was at a time when we were both single years ago that we were just talking about relationships, etc.  And he was saying he just can't be in a relationship with someone who needs constant contact. 

Looking back on that time when we both were single...  I wonder if he was trying to let me know then how he felt.  He is actually pretty shy when it comes to things like that.  Shyness is an interesting thing.  People can be shy in certain aspects of life and not shy at all in other situations, etc.  He is a performer.  He has no problem breathing fire and spinning a fire staff in front of a huge crowd of people.  And not always, but sometimes he performs pretty scantily clad.  But he is shy when it comes to relationships. 

But...  he misses me.  And it's mutual.  I'm getting more work done on my sleeve here soon.  Some of the holiday commission money I made this year is paying for it.  He is coming with me and if my artist is willing (I have her booked for the whole day) he might get something small, too. 

Anyway...  sleepy time. 

 

[Cynder]

Idk what made me think of this but all throughout my life my Mom has been been really vocal about how awful it would be if I ever got pregnant.  And she made weird comments about me getting pregnant even when I was really young.  I started having periods when I was 10, I mean, that's below the average age.  But when I was 11 she was questioning me about being pregnant. There was this big group of kids that all ran around together in our neighborhood and she would make comments like, "Well, you are always hanging around those boys."  I mean, we're talking about a group of kids that ranged in age from like 8 to 13.  I mean yea, some kids are sexually active in their early teens.  But most aren't.  So I'm 11 and my mom thinks I'm just sleeping with all the boys and that I might be pregnant. 

I'm sure some of this is because she got pregnant so young and I just ruined her life.  But it got kinda ridiculous at times. 

When I was in high school and started dating my first boyfriend she started questioning me about being pregnant after like a week of dating him.  And my parents hated him right off the bat, too because anyone who would associate with me must be scum.  (Funny how they loved him before I started dating him, but that's another story.)  So a few months into our relationship my ex (bf at the time) called and asked if my parents wanted to get together with him so they could get to know him better.  He knew they hated him, he thought maybe that would change the way they thought of him.  But instead of it having any kind of positive consequences, they just decided I must be pregnant.  This get together never happened.  Instead I got interrogated for hours about whether or not I'm pregnant. 

When I was 20 and decided to go on birth control I told my parents because I didn't think at 20 years old I should have to sneak around and hide the fact that I was on birth control.  My Mom made this huge thing about how I need to go on the depo shot because I'm too stupid to remember to take my pills every day, etc.  I went on the pill anyway.  And she was always bugging me about whether or not I was taking my pills, etc. 

When I was married I went off the pill because my ex husband refused to put me on his medical insurance and it was costing a lot of money (he also refused to help pay for it, he was awesome like that, lol) and we also hardly ever had sex.  So to me it just seemed like a waste of money and time.  If I'm only going to be having sex 2 or 3 times a year why take a pill that has a lot of side effects and is really expensive? 

I was off birth control until I got my IUD later on down the line. 

Even while having an IUD, if my Mom knew I was sexually active with anyone, here come the pregnancy questions.  If I ever said I had an upset stomach,. "Are you sure you're not pregnant?" 

About 10 years ago she told me, word for word, "God knew what he was doing when he stopped you from having kids."  And she goes on to tell me what an awful parent I would have been, etc.  I seriously doubt I could have done any worse than she did.  I know I wouldn't have prioritized drinking, snorting coke and partying over my kids like she did for a good chunk of my childhood. 

And so now...  I know at some point these questions are going to come up now that I'm with D.  D is not open about his trans status.  He passes for a man easily.  Most people would never even question or suspect he was born female.  He calls it stealth mode.  And even though he passes for a man without question, he never had bottom surgery.  So, downstairs he still has female parts. 

When she starts questioning me, I will respect his wishes and keep it all to myself.  But it's going to be really tempting to just be like, "That will never happen Mom.  I can't get pregnant when there's no sperm."

I won't even go into the dynamic between him and I as far as sex is concerned with her.  It's none of her business and it's too complicated for her to understand anyway.  D and I are not sexually active and we may never be.  His gender dysphoria makes sex a difficult thing for him.  He doesn't see it as an act of love, either.  He was sexually abused when he was really young and that made it into a non loving thing for him.  So he doesn't really have much desire to do it with anyone he loves.  It's not even a loving act when he does it with his husband.  He just does it to keep his husband happy, basically. 

So, when she starts asking questions, I will just have to keep my answers vague, or just tell her to mind her own business. 

 

[Cynder]

So, the three times you came back around and wanted to talk...  you've been interested in something all three times.  You always say you want to "admit to everything."  You act like you think this will help me.  I don't know if you're intentions are genuine or if you are just messing with my head. 

You admitting to everything doesn't do anything for me.  I don't need you to send me a bunch of text messages telling me all the things you did.  I already know what you did.  I was the one you targeted, remember?  I don't need to hear you tell me all about it in detail.  What purpose is that supposed to serve? 

You were not the only one in the relationship.  When you ghosted me two days after we sat out on the porch talking about wedding plans for over an hour...  You didn't give me anything to go on.  I had no clue it was coming.  I had no clue why.  I had no idea what to do.  Were you blowing off steam and planning on coming back?  Did you meet someone else?  I had no clue and I had to process this all without any input from you.  So I survived the only way I knew how, by creating my own narrative.  I invented reasons for you to leave me.  I decided this must be what is happening.  And that narrative was something that helped me keep going.  So when you come along and try to tell me all this stuff when I no longer need to know, all it does is mess up my energy.  So don't come around any more, please. 

I hate that there is an absolutely amazing person in my life who I can't fully trust because of people like you.  I hate that I can't just let go and love this person because of people like you.  I hate that you think you can come around whenever you want and play your games. I don't really think of it in terms of winning or losing.  But for lack of a better word, I'm winning by not playing. 

 

[Cynder]

I want to keep going with writing about all the people who's story I'm evil in.  Since I'm going in chronological order I guess the next person on my list is my Grandpa on my Mom's side.  Unlike everyone else so far, I don't think he had an issue with me from birth.  He didn't start not liking me until I was a little older.  And I don't even know why.  I mean, I know he didn't like that I was an affair baby.  And he didn't like that my Dad was almost a decade older than my Mom.  But he seemed to have more issues with me personally and my personality as I got older. 

He accused me of trying to steal from him and my grandma when I was like 8.  I was sitting at the desk in their dining room drawing and they had a jar of change sitting here.  I moved the jar out of the way so I could move my paper the right way and he saw me move it and decided I was trying to steal money. 

When I was in my early teens I went to a Pentecostal Church for about a year with a friend.  He had a huge problem with this.  Him and my mom both accused me of being in a cult.  I know this isn't about my Mom, it's about my Grandpa, but just a side note, this is something my Mom still hung over my head years into adulthood.  She would talk about that time I joined a cult.  Um... a religion that's different from my family's isn't a cult.  I liked going to the Pentecostal Church because the atmosphere there was so much more positive.  There's a great line from the movie Dogma about Catholics. "You people don't celebrate your faith, you mourn it."  And that's true.  Catholicism is all about suffering and guilt, etc.  And a Catholic Mass is beautiful in it's own way.  But it's also really robotic.  Everyone stands at the same time.  Everyone repeats the same things all at once.  I was made to learn all these prayers and chants and stuff when I was a kid and I didn't even know what any of those words meant.  It just felt really trite and pointless to me.  But at the Pentecostal church, the music was more upbeat.  People seemed happy to be there.  There was a big group of teenagers there who I got along with.   But trying to explain all this to my family was so pointless.  They made fun of me and called me a holy roller and snake handler.  My Grandpa was really vocal about this.  And he is the only person in my immediate family who wasn't raised Catholic.  He converted when he married my Grandma. And just for the record, there were no snakes handled at the church I went to and I never saw any "holy rollin'."

He also was really open about his favoritism for my sister.  He was always buying her gifts and stuff and giving them to her right in front of me. 

When I was 21 and couch surfing because my parents didn't want me at their house, I was at my Grandparents house once because I worked right up the street and around the corner.  I was there because we ran out of work and they sent me home.  And he was telling me I really need to start paying my Mom rent.  And I told him Mom is against charging her kids rent.  Because she is.  That's one thing my Mom refuses to do.  And I didn't say this but I was thinking, "Mom's house is just my legal address.  I never sleep there and most of my stuff is in a storage unit.  Why the hell should I pay rent?"  And he told me out of the goodness of my heart I should be paying rent because I'm over 18 and out of high school.  Well, my sister was 18 and she just graduated from high school.  I pointed that out and said she should be paying rent too, then.  That shut him right up.  Hello, if the perfect princess doesn't have to pay rent when she actually lives there, why should I pay rent when I don't even live there?  It makes zero sense.  

One of the last conversations I had with him was him telling me I can't take care of myself.  At the time I was working 3 jobs.  I worked at the drug rehab 20 hours a week.  I worked at a book store 20 hours a week.  And I worked at KFC about 20 hours a week.  He was giving me crap about wasting my college degree on a fast food job.  I got a full ride and a free education and now I'm working at KFC, etc.  This was when the economy was really bad and it was hard to find a job.  I'm working three jobs while my husband sits on his ass.  I'm supporting myself and a grown ass man.  So to be told I can't take care of myself was really insulting. 

But, oddly enough right before his cancer diagnosis, he called me jsut to see how I was doing and if I needed anything.  It was so strange because he never went out of his way to talk to me.  Maybe he knew he was sick.  People say sometimes you know when you're dying even if you haven't been diagnosed with anything yet. 

He died a year later of bone cancer.  And despite everything I wrote here I really looked up to him.  He was a badass.  He fought it two wars.  He was an amazing photographer.  He made the best home made popcorn I've ever had.  I still don't know what he did to it that made it taste so good.  He also was funny and always made us kids laugh.  And he loved singing How Much Is That Doggy In The Window in German.  We are Italian, but he was stationed in Germany for a while when he was young and in the military.  He thought singing that song in German was the coolest thing ever.  And he was a bit of a hippie too.  He worked at a recycling plant and him and my grandpa recycled everything.  This was something they passed down in our family, too.  My Mom recycled and composted everything that could be recycled or composted.  We didn't waste anything in my house growing up. 

And one memory of him that always makes me laugh... back when I was a smoker I smoked clove cigarettes a lot.  And I was over one day sitting on the porch with my Grandma smoking (grandma smoked too, it's not like I was subjecting an older person to second hand smoke, etc.)  And Grandma was like, "Those cigarettes smell so good.  They smell like the incense they burn in church."  And then not even 5 seconds later my Grandpa comes out on the porch and says, "What the hell are you smoking?  It smells like marijuana." 

Anyway... obviously a song that reminds me of him is this song, lol. 

 

[Cynder]

I had a friend ask for my IG today.  She was telling me she scrolled back really far looking for this one painting she remembered I did years ago and couldn't find it.  So I am sitting here on my computer getting ready to lay down and sleep, and I decided to go look on my IG and see if that painting was on there.  Well, I ended up spending way too much time scrolling back through posts from years ago.  I have posts on there from festivals, etc. 

Well, there was a short, maybe 15 second video on there of Nugget, one of D's skunks.  It was taken in 2017 the day D and I met, and I forgot all about it until now.  D is holding him in the video but Ds face is never seen.  And a friend of his who was walking around with him had an ice cream cone and nugget was licking it.  Nugget was just a baby at the time.  So of course I had to take a video because how often do you see a baby skunk licking an ice cream cone.  It was so cute.  And he kept grabbing at it and holding onto it with his little skunk hands.  Omg... the wholesomeness. 

I read the comments and a few people I don't even know were telling me basically what a horrible person I am for feeding an animal chocolate/letting my pet eat chocolate.  I responded by saying, "Look, I'm not his owner or the one feeding him.  I also don't know the first thing about what skunks should or shouldn't eat. Lay off, k."  

It was interesting seeing that video now.  At the time I didn't even know him.  And he's gotten several new tattoos since then, so it was also interesting seeing a lot more virgin skin on him.

It's something most people don't think about with tattoos.  Tattooed people don't get all their tattoos at once.  Heavily tattooed people have spent years on their body art.  I can go through all of my tattoos and know what I was going through at the time, who was with me at the tattoo shop, etc.  My friend Tasha and I got our first tattoo together a long time ago.  Mine was an ankh on my ankle, hers was a Kanji symbol or her wrist.  We are still good friends.  She is a night person too, so sometimes she comes and picks me up after work and we go get breakfast at 6AM.  

But anyway...  when we see pics of someone who has lost a lot of weight, and we have that reaction like, "Oh my God, I forgot how heavy they used to be."  Because weight loss is gradual and it's hard to notice over time.  It's similar when looking at pics of a heavily tattooed person when they didn't has as many tattoos.  I catch myself thinking that if I see pics of myself from like 10 years ago.  Omg, my arms are so bare!

My next session on my sleeve is the 29th.  I have my artist booked for the whole day.  I'm so excited.  D is coming with me and if my artist is willing he might get something small. 

I finished his Christmas present tonight.  I'm so excited to give it to him tomorrow.  He had a micro skunk who was his pride and joy.  Micro skunks are rare.  They have dwarfism, basically.  And they aren't bred that way.  There is no breeder out there breeding micro skunks because they are so cute and little.  It's just a rare mutation that happens once in a while.  And he had one.  Unfortunately she died last summer and he was heartbroken.  She had an actual name, but he rarely called her her name.  He usually referred to her as Baby Girl.  When she died I was working on an Alice in Wonderland painting with a lot of forest and mushrooms int he background.  I decided to put Baby Girl in the painting sitting on a mushroom.  That was my little tribute to her.  And then that painting sold last summer at CPPD.  He was with me at the booth when it sold.  It was cool because he got to tell the customer that that was his baby girl who died recently. 

But anyway...  I did a painting of Baby GIrl with wings.  And it's a really beautiful painting.  I went above and beyond to make it awesome.  So tomorrow I need to install the hanging hardware and then wrap it.  I can't wait to see his face when he opens it.  I don't want to give it to him in front of everyone because he might get emotional.  I will give it to him tomorrow when he's here, before we leave for his place. 

 

[Cynder]

So I guess I'm just writing a ton today.  I can't go to bed yet because I'm waiting on my sister to stop by and pick something up. 

But something I forgot to write about earlier when I was talking about my Grandpa.  As a teenager I used to draw women a lot.  Not naked.  Drawing the clothes and the outfits was a big part of it for me because I liked designing their outfits.  This was something my Grandpa had a problem with because he thought it meant I was gay.  (Boy if he only knew....)  But he used to question me about if I draw women because I'm a lesbian.  Why don't I draw boys?  Etc  And he also used to make comments about how I'm going to be a Nun because I like to draw women.  I have no idea what the connection was there.  Sometimes he would see me drawing and be like, "So are you gonna be a Nun or what?"  And I heard him say to my Mom a few times, "Those drawings of hers.  I swear she's gonna be a nun."  Idk... maybe there's something I'm missing here.  I don't know much about Nuns.  Our church only had two when I was really young, and they looked and acted like everyone else.  They didn't wear long black robes, etc.  Idk... maybe there's an order of Nuns somewhere that likes to draw pictures of women in cool outfits. 

He never used the terms gay or lesbian either.  He would say things like, "I think she's confused."  "Or I think she's not right because she doesn't want to draw boys."  Idk man... 

None of my grandparents ever knew about my orientation.  My Grandma knew about my sister though and she said it was a real shame because my sister is so pretty.  My family seemed to be under this delusion that pretty people can't be flawed.  And I'm not saying LGBTQ people are flawed.  But to my Grandparents they were. 

I still wonder sometimes what would have happened if it was me who came out first.  I think I would have been disowned and then my sister probably would have never came out because she would be afraid of that happening to her.  But because my sister came out first, and she's the family favorite, everyone patted her on the back and told her she was so brave and courageous and awesome.  So then it was my turn to be like, "Well guess what yall..."  And then of course I am just trying to be like my sister and trying to get attention.  I swear... there was just no winning with these people. 

And speaking of my sister... she better not keep me up much longer waiting on her.  I want to go to sleep.

 

[Cynder]

So, I'm sure there are people wondering how it went with D's family.  The short answer is great.  His Mom loves me.  We got along really well.  And when I say his "mom" she is not his actual mother.  She is someone he calls Mom.  But there is no blood relation there.  She's an interesting character.  And I mean that.  She seems like a sitcom character in a lot of ways.  She has all these younger boyfriends.  She was telling me the one she really cares about is close to her age, but she has multiple men in her life just in case she pisses one off.  And she has this really great sense of humor, too.  One thing that threw me off was she misgenders D a lot.  But I know it's not intentional.  She just knew him a lot longer when he was still living as a woman, so it's more out of rabbit.  His son does it too but I will get to that later.  It just threw me off at first because we all three were in the kitchen and she was on the phone with someone and she's like, "I'm sitting here drinking tea with my daughter and her girlfriend."  And then she was telling me about how they met and she's like, "Yea when she first came over here from Germany..."  This didn't make me mad or anything because I can tell she's not doing it on purpose.  It doesn't make D mad either, he just corrects her. 

I was nervous about meeting his son, too.  His son is such a great guy.  He's really creative.  He was showing me his artwork all weekend.  He is also writing a novel that he sent me a chapter of.  I told him I would read it at some point this week and tell him what I think.  I slept in his bedroom all three nights I was there and he slept on the couch.  He calls D Mom a lot and that threw me off the first time.  I talked to him about possibly coming with us to the huge Festival in September, and he is really into 3D printing.  He was saying he wants to start selling this he prints.  I told him if he comes with us he can put his stuff out in the booth to sell.  I think that made his day.  He was so excited. 

The whole gathering of people that was supposed to happen didn't happen, though, because we got hit with some really nasty weather.  Some of the people who were invited over were festival people.  Spending the winter solstice with my SO and some of my festival family would have been so amazing.  But it was still a really good few days.  D is kind of old school when it comes to the holidays.  We were celebrating the Solstice, not Christmas.  So it was all about family and the returning of the light.  The solstice is the longest and darkest night of the year.  So there's a lot of emphasis on getting through the dark times in life and remembering the light will come back, etc.  We spent a lot of time in the kitchen cooking when I was there because feasting is part of it.  At dinner everyone talked about things they overcame in the last year, etc. 

On Christmas Eve D and I stayed up all night painting together.  We each started with our own painting, and this was not planned, but we ended up switching paintings about half way through.  There was something I saw in his that I really wanted to add something to, and so I asked him if I could, and then that one thing became another thing, and he started adding things to my painting, also.  And before we knew it, it's 7AM and we had these two paintings that were really cool.  Both of our styles are so different so they don't look like my work or his work.  And his son was down there with us hanging out.  We were listening to music, we were drinking Fireball with hot tea.  It was a good night. 

The whole time I was there was awesome.  And then I had to come home yesterday and go spend Christmas with my family, which was like night and day.  D did get to meet my brother, though.  Because my brother showed up to pick me up while he was still here.  And Valentine was here too so my brother got to hold Valentine.  He is a huge animal lover and he is also this big long haired metal head guy who looks intimidating but is actually a big teddy bear.  So it was so cute seeing him love all over Valentine. 

D gave my Mom a painting for Christmas.  I don't know if she liked it.  But it was really nice of him to do that, whether she liked it or not.  It was a painting of a winter scene, but in his style, which isn't conventional at all. 

Speaking of Valentine, I took these pics when we were painting.  It was so cute.  D is just painting away and Valentine was just chilling in his lap.  In the one pic it kind of looks like D is reprimanding him for something with the pointing.  But he actually just booped him on the nose before I took the pic. 

Since I am posting a link also, I don't know how this will format, since I can't see the two pics I uploaded yet. But I will hope for the best, lol.  I hope everyone had a good holiday.  I'm going to have a glass of Rose' and go to bed. 

 

 

[Jibralta]

Valentine looks very relaxed. 

I think I have those exact same socks...

[Cynder]

11 hours ago, Jibralta said:

Valentine looks very relaxed. 

I think I have those exact same socks...

He is really chill all the time.  I watched a movie this weekend with him on my lap the whole time and he just snuggled up with me and sat there. 

[Cynder]

Next session on my sleeve is in two days.  I'm so excited. 

L has thrown a fit the last two times I got tattooed.  She throws it in my face, how it must be nice to be able to afford tattoos and stuff.  Hey, her financial situation isn't my fault.  She complains about how she can't do stuff like that because she has a child, etc.  Ok... well it was her choice to have a kid.  It was my choice to not have kids.  Childfree people have more disposable income.  I suppose I could point out the thousands she gets every year on her tax refund because she has a kid.  I could also point out all the government assistance she gets because she has him.  I don't get any of that.  She works full time, makes more money than I do, and gets food stamps, medicaid, etc.  I make less than her and have more bills.  I don't get any help from the government.  But I'm sure that would get something thrown at me.  I could really piss her off and point out that she's supposedly against the "socialist" direction this country is heading, yet she accepts all the free handouts she can get. 

[catfeeder]

41 minutes ago, Cynder said:

Next session on my sleeve is in two days.  I'm so excited. 

L has thrown a fit the last two times I got tattooed.

Yay, for you, Cynder.

How about ditching the mind-spin and just not speak with L about it, at all?

If she notices and says something, tell her kindly that it's your private business and you won't be doing the tat shame thing with her again.

EnjOy!

[Cynder]

9 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Yay, for you, Cynder.

How about ditching the mind-spin and just not speak with L about it, at all?

If she notices and says something, tell her kindly that it's your private business and you won't be doing the tat shame thing with her again.

EnjOy!

I actually had to cut that post short because time got away from me and I had to leave for work. 

I don't plan on telling L anything.  I don't talk to her about my life.  I only talk to her about the rent and K.  D and I started dating in August and she doesn't even know I'm seeing anyone.  I figure the less she knows the better.  She is paying rent now, so I'm not evicting her.  She plans on moving out in April and I have my next roommate lined up already. 

She probably won't even notice.  It's not like it's a big visible tattoo where there was not tattoo before.  It's more being added to a sleeve.  The main structure of my sleeve is already there.  This is more color, details and background being added.  It's also chilly in my house and I usually have long sleeved hoodies on when I'm at home.  So I doubt she will even see it any time soon. 

L can't stand someone living a better life than her.  She thinks her struggles should be everyone's struggles.  If I spend any money on anything that isn't essential (in other words, mortgage, bills or groceries) and she finds out, she gets pissed.  I bought myself a laptop last year because my old one was starting to have a lot of issues.  She threw a fit about that.  She thought I should be spending the money remodeling the upstairs bathroom instead.  Well, I need a computer for my business.  Not only do I use Photoshop all the time for graphic design stuff and for Displate, but I also edit video on a regular basis.  I can't do any of that without a computer. 

I think she has a bit of a complex because she was raised in a wealthy family and so much was expected for her.  Her Dad retired as the CEO of a company that is a household name in the US.  And her Mom was the head nurse at a hospital that is really well known here in the US.  She grew up in a mansion.  She went to private school.  She had her whole college education paid for.  She was blond, blue eyed and perfect as a kid, honor student, debate team, National Honor Society, etc.  And here I am, ugly and awkward as a kid, grew up in a trashy dysfunctional family in the sticks, cops called to my house on a regular basis, etc...  And I am doing better in life than she is.  And I think it just pisses her off.  She has a lot of tattoos too.  But hers were mostly free because she knew some guy who bought a tattoo gun off Amazon and thought he was the sh*t.  So as expected, most of her tattoos look like crap.  I go to one of the best artists in my area and my tattoos are stunning.  That is one thing I can say about my ink... all my tattoos are beautiful.  I am picky about who I let touch me with a needle. 

I don't know if she still does, but I know for a while there, every weekend she was going to a strip club.  I don't have any issue with strip clubs.  I see the appeal and I understand why they are fun for a lot of people.  )Even though now because of the abundance of free internet porn and all the cam girls out there, they're a dying industry.)  But she was going to the strip clun with a guy she was dating every weekend and telling me about all the money they would spend on drinks in the VIP Lounge (which according to her cost a couple hundred jsut to go into) and all the "Shower shows" they bought.  A shower show is basically $200 for a half hour alone in a room with the stripper of your choice and hey, whatever happens happens. So it's basically hiring a prostitute. And she would brag about the things she would do with the strippers like it was some huge accomplishment.  Like... you're paying them.  They would do that with the nastiest person in the room too if they were paid.  They aren't going down on you and kissing you and stuff because they like you.  And here I am... still as an adult not conventionally attractive and a little less awkward but still awkward... and I've never had to pay someone to fool around with me.  I think that pisses her off, too.  She was also spending a lot of money on expensive gifts for the strippers.  Which I think is actually pretty sad.  You're already paying them to act like they like you.  I know some strippers, they don't like getting gifts from customers for several reasons. 

Then she complains that she can't afford to live like I live.  Well, stop giving your money to strippers and drinking copious amounts of Crown Royal then.  And she makes up things to be mad at me about.  She told me she was "disgusted" with me because I lost my job and I went out and got tattoos instead of looking for another job.  That didn't happen.  She was mad because I took a vacation while I was unemployed... that also didn't happen.  She was mad because supposedly both toilets in my house didn't work.  That is not true.  The downstairs toilet works.  The upstairs toilet needs replaced.  It's like she knows she has no one to blame for the state of her life but herself.  But she can't face that so she gets mad at other people for stuff she pulls out of her ass.  Classic scapegoating.  I blocked her on FB months ago.  But I have friends who are also friends with her on there who would tell me about her posting about how horrible her living situation is., how her landlady is such a B. etc.  Maybe one day if she ever owns a house she will understand how expensive remodeling a room is. 

D is actually going to replace my toilet.  He replaced the one in his house.  I just need to buy the replacement toilet and whatever other parts he needs.  I plan to do that when I get my tax refund.  I'm working on the upstairs bathroom a little at a time.  D and I were talking about this earlier today, actually.  And he asked me to just promise one thing, and that was that I spend some of my tax refund on something fun just for me.  He said I deserve to do something nice for myself and he really wants me to pamper myself in some way when I get my tax refund.  And I think I know exactly what I will do for myself if the money is there to do it.  There is an A Frame house out in the middle of the woods about 30 minutes from where I live.  It is by a stream and surrounded by beautiful woods.  I really want to go and stay there all alone for a weekend and just paint.  I want to be completely unplugged and away from society.  I mean, for safety reasons I will make sure I have my phone, etc.  People will know where I'm at.  But I want to spend this completely isolated art weekend in the middle of nowhere in this beautiful house.  So, that's the thing I want to do when I get my refund. 

I am so looking forward to introducing D to my tattoo artist.  He was a tattoo artist once upon a time, too.  As far as why he doesn't tattoo anymore, there are a few reasons.  One reason is the market in my area is really saturated.  So unless you are an amazing artist, you aren't going to make much money doing it.  He can draw really well and he's an awesome painter.  But tattooing is a whole other set of skills.  He learned how to do it.  He worked at a few shops over a period of a few years.  But he just got burned out and wasn't making a decent living tattooing.  He was still living as a woman when he tattooed, and female tattoo artists have it rough.  They aren't taken seriously and they are even bullied, unfortunately.  Not the same thing but female vendors deal with the same issues all the time.

People have talked about how back in the day you went to the same barber/hair stylist for your whole life, and they knew your whole life story, etc.  I feel like it's that way with some tattoo artists now.  I am not dead set on only going to one artist for everything.  But I do have one artist who has done a lot of work on me for years.  And she knows a lot about things that have happened in my life for the last several years.  She heard about Z and I getting together.  And then she heard about us breaking up.  She heard about D asking me out and me saying no, and then changing my mind a few months later, etc.  And now she will hear all about how awesome things are going for us.  Next time I see her, who knows what will be going on.  I might be completely heartbroken over being dumped.  Or I might be completely excited because I'm going to Europe again... who knows. 

Anyway... nothing like a little GWAR before bed. 

 

[Cynder]

I'm still on the fence about signing up for OM in February.  I am currently mentoring another vendor who is doing it.  So I feel kind of obligated.  There's not even a solid venue for it yet.  It's only a one day show as of now, which is unusual because OM is usually two days.  My booth would be free, because I still have a lot of credit with them from back in  when I was signed up for all 8 of them and none of them happened.  I could always just do it and bring my small setup.  It would be a good gap filler.  I have CWB in April and then Hell City in May, FF in June, then RCTC in July, and then CPPD in August...  and then the big one in September AND WCF in September.  September is going to be a busy month for me.  And then the CWB Halloween show in early November.  That's pretty much what my year is looking like as of now.  The fact that I won't be doing WF this year is sad.  I'm only not doing it because it is the same weekend as the big one. 

I won't lie, I don't miss the days of doing 30ish festivals a year.  in 2018 i did 30 shows.  That was exhausting.  M (my ex) would do any show he heard about and could get into.  So we did a lot of flops.  I am more about quality than quantity.  I'm all for doing fewer shows if they are good shows. 

I suppose I should probably clear it with work first before I decide to do both the big one and WCF.  They both will require a week off work in the same month. 

D and I were talking about OM and he thinks I should do it.  He is all for helping, etc.  I told him I don't ever want him to feel obligated to help me at anything.  If he ever doesn't feel like it or can't do it or whatever, my feelings won't be hurt.  I just don't want to get to a point where he resents me for any of this.  Right now it's the honeymoon phase.  Of course he wants to help me at every show because he is so into me, etc.  How will it be a year from now when the novelty wheres off.  Not just the novelty of our relationship but the novelty of festivals in general.  So many people want to work in the scene, until they do it.  I've had people offer to work for me for free.  I've had people say things like, "Oh, you don't have to pay me!" Because they think they are basically getting into a festival for free and get to party all weekend.  I always tell people there's a difference between going to a festival and being at a festival.  When you're working, yea sure, you're there.  But you're not really there.   People want to help for free.  But they don't realize we might be out there at 5AM setting up the booth when it's still dark out.  We might be sweltering all day in 100 degrees.  We might be getting soaked all day if it rains.  We might be right next to a food truck that plays the Hampsterdance song on repeat for 10 hours.  Etc...  

I do let my employees drink and smoke on the job as long as they can do their job.  So far that's never been an issue.  If one of my workers wants to go smoke a joint or whatever or drink a beer I don't care.  As long as you can still work. 

D has been a part of the festival scene for so long that I hope he sees it realistically.  But he's not a vendor.  It's one thing to go out there and spin a fire staff and breath fire for a few minutes and then walk around letting everyone pet your skunk and tell you what an amazing fire show you did.  I know it takes a lot to do fire shows.  It took him years to get as good as he is.  Sometimes after a fire show he ends up puking in the bathroom for a while because of the chemicals that are used to breath fire.  And it's obviously dangerous, etc.  So I'm not saying what he does is easy.  But when he's done performing he can just leave if he wants.  He isn't obligated to be there for 12ish hours, rain or shine, sick or not sick, etc.  So I'm hoping he doesn't end up resenting me for what I do.  Everyone else has... even when I dated another vendor.  Z went to one show in Indianapolis with me and she had issues with it.  And she wasn't even asked to help me with anything.  I had an employee with me at that show.  She was there as my guest. 

So, I don't want him to resent me and I also don't want to rely too much on him either.  But I'm also slowly seeing over time that he is so different from everyone else in my past.  But like I said earlier... it's still the honeymoon phase.  I hate thinking like that but everyone is awesome in the beginning.  I am still just bracing myself for the big reveal, you know? 

When I was at his house over the weekend he gave me two hair clips.  They are really pretty and look like raven skulls.  I love ravens.  I have a raven tattoo.  But when he gave them to me he got them for me years ago and every time he knew we were going to be at the same festival he always brought them and then kept forgetting to give them to me.  He said one of the reasons he always forgot was because he got all shy and tongue tied around me.  He says that's also the reason he finally asked me out via text, lol. 

Anyway...  I need to go do some cleaning and get ready for work.  I could sit here and ramble all night.  This thread is my best procrastination tool. 

 

[Cynder]

So, yesterday was amazing.  I was looking forward to it, and I knew it would be.  I am so grateful for all the people in my life and for all the experiences I have that other people take for granted or don't seek out at all. 

Back when D and I started dating, I didn't know that him being trans was a secret.  I mean, I knew he didn't lead every conversation with it and didn't even tell most people.  But I didn't know it was something he doesn't want repeated.  And I told a few people before he asked me not to.  And I owned up to it.  None of it was malicious.  And I only told people when it was relevant to the conversation.  One was a coworker, one was a friend, the other was my tattoo artist.  And how it came up in conversation with my tattoo artist was because her son is trans also.  And she was talking about him starting out on HRT, and as a mother she was worried about the long term and how it could impact his health, etc.  And I told her the person I'm dating is a trans male also and he's been on HRT for over 10 years and he is perfectly healthy other than some issues here and there with blood sugar.  (I didn't go into anything about his PTSD or anything because I seriously doubt HRT had anything to do with that and I felt like that was crossing a line.)  But anyway, that's how and why it came up in conversation months ago. 

Well, today when I was being tattooed, that was talked about a lot.  Because her son, V, is planning on having his top surgery as soon as he turns 18.  And D was talking about some of the mistakes he made when he was recovering from top surgery, etc.  He basically was giving her all this advice to pass on to her son.  And now, her son is really excited to know someone who is older and pretty much through the transitioning process.  Some trans people look for people who are further along in the process to talk to.  So I'm really glad I was able to bring the two of them together in this way.  I know so many trans women.  I only know two trans males.  I think things happen for a reason. 

My tattoo looks amazing... all expectations exceeded.  I have a purple Leviathan cross on my left inner wrist with some Latin script under it.  (I'm not saying what the script says because I don't want to get too descriptive.)  The symbol of the Leviathan Cross is really significant.  I got it shortly after the night in the hotel room when I planned on unaliving myself.  In alchemy it is the symbol for sulfur.  It is also the symbol for Hell.  So at the lowest point of my life I got Hell tattooed on me in a very visible area as a reminder that when in Hell you should walk like you own the place.  On my right wrist I have something that represents Heaven and I got that one shortly after my NDE.  Well, since my sleeve is all around my Leviathan Cross, it is so much more beautiful now.  It was always a well done tattoo and pretty.  But it always seemed off.  I could never put my finger on it.  Well, now it is surrounded with sacred geometry in a lot of different colors, and it is haloed in bright yellow and orange.  (That was actually my idea.)  And it just pops, and it is gorgeous.  And it's fitting, too.  Because I got it when I wished I was dead, and so it never quite looked right.  But now that I am through that dark time and seeing that time as a beautiful thing even if it sucked when it was happening, it is appropriate that now the tattoo is beautiful, too.  It's probably the most beautiful part of my whole sleeve.

And I know I am going to face some criticism from this, but D and I got something together today.  I'm not going to say exactly what it was.  But him and I both have a fondness for the same number.  Today we both got that number tattooed on us, in the same place.  They both look slightly different though.  They don't match.  His was in black, mine was in purple.  His is in a more masculine font.  Mine is more delicate and feminine looking.  And it's a unique part of the body we got them, too.  And I don't think this is anything I will ever regret, even if we don't stay together.  It's a small number on my body.  It's not like I got his name tattooed in 3 inch letters somewhere really visible, lol. And even if I decided I can't go on with this on my body, it would be a really easy cover up.  I feel at peace with my choice.  

 

[Cynder]

I've been being lazy today, sitting on my bed writing, playing games on my phone, watching Netflix, etc.  The holidays are an exhausting time for me and this I just needed a day to myself. 

D and I were messaging earlier and the conversation just tapered off.  Well, a few hours went by and I got this really long message from him.  He assumed I fell asleep.  It was such a sweet message.  He started out by saying, "Hey beautiful, I know you're probably sleeping.  I hope you wake up and this message is the first thing you see."  And he went on to tell me he can't wait to see me tomorrow and kiss me and his husband at midnight.  Of course there was more to it than that.  It was just a really nice message that made me feel all warm inside. 

I always find myself thinking I'm not used to being treated this way, etc.  And unfortunately that scares me because that's exactly what I thought when Z and I were together in the beginning.  I kept thinking she was so different from everyone else, and that I felt so safe with her, etc.  And that was all an act.  I couldn't see through her crap.  She was a very good actress, in all fairness.  SO how do I know D isn't acting too?  I don't know.  I guess I can only hope. 

I have thought about what my dealbreaker would be and what my exit strategy would be with him.  It was about 6 months in with Z when I really started seeing some red flags, catching her in small lies, etc.  And everything was explained away and then I was made to feel like the crazy one.  Her biggest thing was projection, though.  She interrupted me constantly in conversations.  And then she would lecture me about how rude it is to interrupt.  Etc.  And toward the end there were all the accusations of transphobia.  Boy i bet she would crap her pants if she found out I am dating another trans person. 

D was actually the subject of an argument her and I had once... the irony, lol.  Z was always complaining about not knowing any trans people.  I suggested we meet up with my trans cousin.  Nope, that wasn't happening.  Why?  Because my cousin came out and started transitioning in 2002 and Z said it would piss her off hanging out with someone so far along int eh transition.  Then at some point I suggested we go hang out with D.  Well no that wasn't happening either because D passes as male so easily.  She said being around him would just piss her off.  Then one of the times I was being called out for all supposed rampant transphobia, I defended myself by saying I have good friends who are trans.  which is retrospect I shouldn't have done because I shouldn't have had to defend myself.  And she tried saying he doesn't "count" because he is "passing" and it's not obvious he's trans.  Looking back I can only shake my head.  Some of the biggest transphobes out there are trans people themselves.  I know they aren't all like that but there are some who hate themselves and hate others like them for various reasons.  It's the same with closeted gay people who act homophobic to overcompensate. 

And then I remember telling L about this after Z left and back when L and I still got along.  And L was like, "How does she pass?  I was looking at pics of her on facebook and she's so obviously a woman!"  It was D she was referring to here.  I remember thinking I must be the crazy one here.  So much wrong with this whole situation.  I am so glad these people are out of my life now and they left room for my positive people to occupy my time and energy. 

Last NYE I sat alone in the dark, drinking, crying and watching horror movies all night.  L was right across the hallway in her room doing the same thing.  This year I will be in good company in a beautiful house having a great time.  And I won't lie... I hope L is exactly where she was last year tomorrow night. 

 

[Cynder]

So... NYE. 

I got dressed up.  I like getting dressed up to go hang out with D because I like feeling pretty and he actually appreciates it.  His husband, N, came to pick me up.  There were two reasons for this.  D wanted to get some more cleaning done around the house before I came over.  But he also wants N and I to get to know each other better and to bond.  Yea, I mean, I know him, but I've never been around him alone.  D has always been there.  And I am a quiet person and so is he.  So I was kinda worried about how the car ride would go.  But we actually talked the whole way and I got to learn a lot about his life.  We went to the store and got stuff to make mixed drinks and snacks and stuff.  And the whole time we were in the store we were joking around.  It was nice. 

Then, we get back to the house.  D and his son are finishing up cleaning.  And it seems like it's going to be a great night.  D decides the two older skunks need a bath and he wants to get this done before it's too close to midnight.  This was around 10:15.  This is a household full of nocturnal people.  And I work at night, too.  So, 10:15 is not a weird time to be bathing the pets at D's house.  They don't even get out of bed before 3pm there.  So I want to go help because skunks bathing is the cutest thing ever.  So D and I are in the bathroom and the two older skunks are in the tub, swimming and splashing around.  I was taking video on my phone of D washing them and stuff.  We were having a good time. 

Just a disclaimer... this is going to take a dark turn right here.  So if you don't want to read something really sad, skip the rest of the post. 

So the oldest one was swimming under water at one point, and when he came up he was aspirating a little bit and making coughing sounds.  At first it seemed like nothing was wrong.  We figured he would just cough it out.  But he started convulsing and gasping and stuff. 

D has done a lot of volunteer work at vet clinics and at animal shelters.  When he was younger he was involved with some pretty unsavory things and people.  And it was working with animals that made him want to turn his life around and be a better person.  And so his animals are his world.  And he also knows how to handle a lot of emergency situations because he's done a lot of work with emergency vets, etc.  And so he knows how to resuscitate animals.  He laid this dying skunk down on the bathroom floor and was trying to save his life for a good ten minutes.  And it was absolutely heartbreaking to watch.  I asked at one point if there was something I could do to help.  He told me to just keep an eye on the other skunk who was still in the bath. 

Omg... this was one of the saddest things I think I've ever seen.  D is frantically trying to get the skunk to breath again and get his heart pumping again on the bathroom floor.  And he was saying things like, "Come on buddy, please don't leave me like this.  Stay with me longer, please."  It was like watching a father trying to save his child.  Out of all of them, this guy is the oldest.  He's almost 7 which is a long life for a skunk.  And D has raised him since he was a newborn.  And toward the end of all this he was speaking really frantically in German.  When someone who speaks multiple languages is really emotional/stressed out they will instinctively speak their native language. 

When D realized there was no bringing him back and that he was really gone, we just both sat there on the bathroom floor and cried for like 10 minutes.  Neither of us said anything.  He was rocking his dead baby while the other skunk was just sitting all dejected in the bathtub still. 

It was such an unexpected thing...  one minute they are taking a bath and being all playful, then one of them is dead.  I've never had a pet died suddenly like that.  All my pets that passed away were sick and I knew it was coming.  This was just so out of the blue.  I keep reminding myself that he was old, and he lived a good life, and it was his time.  But Gods...  seeing D go through that was just awful. 

So, needless to say it was a somber NYE.  It wasn't midnight yet when this happened.  There wasn't really a countdown and a Happy New Year! at midnight.  Everyone there was just quiet and sad the rest of the night.  D wanted to be alone in his room.  His son and I watched Labyrinth.  And then we all went to sleep. 

Tomorrow they are taking him to get cremated.  As much as this sucked, I am glad I was there for D when it was happening.  My heart was just breaking.  I don't think writing it here is even really giving a good description.  It was just something you would have had to see.  It was like watching a really sad scene play out in a movie, except I was there.  And I got video of the moments leading up to it.  I stopped recording when D started realizing something was really wrong. 

I know there might be some people reading this and thinking, "It's a freakin' skunk.  What's the big deal?"  Well, to anyone thinking that, imagine if it was a dog.  Culture sees some animals as more important than other animals.  People who really are animal lovers don't discriminate. 

 

[Cynder]

D is so distraught over the death of *****.  I realize I probably shouldn't be using the skunks' names on here so freely because D has an online presence.  I doubt he would even care if someone from this forum found him based on my posts.  But it might bring him here out of curiosity and he might see my posts.  Sorry but this is my safe haven. 

They took him to be cremated yesterday morning and D hasn't slept since.  But he's been keeping himself busy painting.  His latest painting is the best one I've ever seen from him.  It's stunning.  For some artists pain really brings it out.  That isn't me.  I do my best work when I'm happy.  After Z left I was worried I would never get my creative mojo back.  But now it's back like 10 fold. 

When I was younger my Mom and my step dad were so big on saying a SO should never change you.  They got on me so bad about the ways I supposedly changed when I started seeing my first boyfriend.  (In reality I didn't change, they just started noticing things him and I had in common and accusing me of changing my interests to fit his... that's a whole story in itself because he was a mirrorer.  I don't even know if that's a word... but someone who mirrors other people because they don't have a strong sense of self. 

But anyway...  I think it's inevitable that people change in relationships to some degree.  I am starting to notice changes in the way I act/carry myself since D came into the picture and I really like the person I am evolving into.  He started calling me out really early on for how much I apologize for everything.  And I find myself doing that less and less.  At first I just made it a point to not do it when I was with him.  But then I started not doing it when he's not around, too.  I mean yea, if I have something that I should be genuinely sorry for then I will always apologize.  But, like for example when I'm at work... if I'm mopping a room and someone comes in to use the room, I would always tell them I was sorry.  Well, all I'm doing is my job. That's nothing to be sorry about or apologize for.  So now I don't do it. 

But it's funny because D is a huge apologist, too.  He apologizes for everything, all the time.  And so lately I've been calling him out for it also.  The other night he apologized to me for being upset that his skunk just died.  Um... anyone would be upset if they just spent ten minutes trying to safe their pet's life and they died right in front of them.  There's nothing to be sorry about.  We will be in the car and if he needs to stop for gas he apologizes.  So I've been calling him out and trying to get him to see what he got me to see. 

He doesn't have a good relationship with his parents.  He is the youngest of 12 kids. I think he was scapegoated growing up like I was.  I felt like I had to apologize just for existing as a kid.  I wonder if he felt the same way.  I have never asked because when he wants to tell me about his childhood he will.  It's obviously not easy for him to talk about.  I know he's still in contact with most of his siblings.  He wants to take me over to Germany to meet them.  

But anyway... another thing.  Since I started seeing him I've wanted to put more time and effort into the way I look.  For a long time I just didn't bother even trying to look nice because I thought it was pointless.  I basically saw myself as butt ugly so why bother doing my makeup.  My hair is long and naturally curly so it doesn't require much effort to be pretty.  But I didn't bother doing my nails or anything because who wants to look at a polished turd? 

His philosophy is to always try to get the girl even after he has her.  He told me once that his grandparents were married for over 60 years and his grandpa never stopped trying to "get" his grandma.  In other words, he always did nice things for her that a guy does when he's trying to get a girl to notice him/like him/date him, whatever.  He sent her flowers regularly.  He took her out on dates a lot, etc.  He just never stopping trying to woo her even after he married her.  And it was like this until she died.  And so D decided at some point to be that way, too.  We have been seeing each other since August.  He still dresses up whenever he comes to see me, even thought I've seen him looking his worst, and he's seen me that way, too.  That doesn't matter because he will always be trying to get me.  And so every time he comes to see me or we go out or whatever, he always looks really nice. I also know that reciprocity is big for him.  Like, if he puts in effort in some way, he likes that effort returned.  And so every time we see each other I look my best.  And he appreciates it, too.  

In the past whenever I tried to look good for partners it never seemed to go well.  It either went unnoticed, or I was made fun of, or in the unique case of Z and I, it was taken as some sadistic way of flaunting my femininity in her face and shaming her for being trans.  And she was way prettier than I will ever be, so I don't even know...  But I get all done up when D and I see each other and he loves it. 

And I find myself wanting to look nice even when he's not around, too.  Now when I go to work I actually put some makeup on.  I did my nails a few days ago, too.  I don't wear full makeup for work because it's just not practical.  But I do enough so it at least improves what I already have naturally.  Sometimes I even put my hair up for work and it looks really cute and it shows off some of my tattoos that you can't see when my hair is down.  (My left ear is tattooed and I have a really delicate neck tattoo that I get compliments on all the time when people can actually see it.) 

When I was a kid if I showed any kind of confidence in how I looked at all I was yelled at for being vain and told I have nothing to be proud of because I'm ugly.  Vanity isn't necessarily a bad thing.  It's alright to have a healthy level of it here and there. 

And Then let's talk about how much my art has improved since he entered the picture.  And it's not like he just came along and made me a better artist.  It's hard to explain.  My style has changed a little bit for the better and I feel so much more motivation to create.  It's not like, "I think I want to paint today if I have time." It's more like, "I'm painting today. I will make time."  And his work has changed too.  He just did a painting of two elephants that is amazing.  Like it is better than anything I've ever seen him do.  His work is really stylized and his brush strokes are so chaotic.  A lot of his paintings don't make sense at the first glance but then once you look closer and see what they are it suddenly all falls into place.  Like the elephant painting doesn't just look like two elephants.  At first it just looks like an explosion of colors with a few lines here and there.  But then when you figure it out it's like, "How the hell did I not see those elephants?"  I so wish I could post it here.  I won't do that though because that would be a violation of his privacy. 

The one painting we did together on Christmas Eve is amazing.  It started out as a forest scene but then became something else.  We decided we won't sell it but we are probably going to make prints of it to sell. 

Anyway...  positive changes.  Who'da thunk it. 

 

[Cynder]

I'm keeping with the people who's story I'm evil in series... 

Next person on the list is another one of aunts, Helen.  She is my Grandma's younger sister, so I guess that makes her my great aunt.  With her, I really don't know what her issue is with me but she has never liked me and she's been really vocal about it.  It might be just because my Mom got pregnant out of wedlock.  Aunt Helen has lived pretty far away for most of my life so I haven't even seen her that much.  So I know it's not something I personally did to her. 

She was a nurse in her younger years, but taught at a nursing college later on in her life.  She also wrote an autobiography.  It seems like a lot of the people in my family who are the ones getting out there and doing interesting things with their lives, making a difference, etc, are the ones who dislike me.  I wrote about my other aunt who is a professor and has written several textbooks.  She hates me too.  They are also both teachers.  Idk...  I was never popular with my teachers in school.  Maybe teachers just see me as a bad seed. 

Aunt Helen was always really snarky to me whenever I interacted with her.  I remember when my cousin Ryan was born I was 12 and my grandma and I went over to her house to see him.  My grandma walked in and I was about to walk in behind her and aunt Helen was just like, "Children aren't allowed in here." and shut the door in my face.  And it was freezing outside, too.  After a few minutes I knocked on the door and asked if grandma could at least give me the car keys so I could sit in the car and not be standing outside in the freezing snow.  And Aunt Helen wasn't too happy about that either because I knocked on the door and interrupted them.  Like really...? 

And then there is another time I remember when we were all at this big family gathering in a park.  And there were two kinds of paper plates.  There were round paper plates and then there were rectangle paper plates that were sectioned off like lunch trays in school.  When everyone was in line to eat, I took one of the rectangular plates and aunt Helen came up and snatched in out of my hand.  I was 17 at the time.  She started going off on me about how these plates are for the adults, and the round plates are for the kids.  Since I was 17 I just looked at her and said, "I'm almost an adult."  I wasn't even trying to be smart.  I just had no idea why the type of plate I was using was such a huge deal.  And she's like, "No you're not!  You're with Justin.  Now use a round plate!"  I don't know who the hell Justin is or what she was talking about.  But in the interest of keeping the peace I used a round plate. 

This is the way this woman has acted pretty much every time I've been around her.  And she's not just a mean person who treats everyone this way.  I've seen her be nice to a lot of my relatives.  I'm just the little demon spawn who was made during an affair, though.  So I guess I'm just subhuman. 

There's no song that reminds me of her because I barely know her.  So this is just what I'm listening to at the moment. 

 

[Cynder]

So... something so validating happened to me yesterday.  Before I talk about the validating thing, I need to back track quite a bit, though.  Otherwise telling the story will be pointless because no one will understand why it was so validating. 

When I was a preteen I was always hearing about my bad attitude.  My parents are always talking about my attitude problem.  I need to straighten up my attitude, etc.  This started when I was 11 and I honestly didn't even know what the word attitude meant.  I asked multiple adults in my family and no one could really answer the question.  I would get generic answers like, "It's the way you are." or, "It's how you carry yourself."  None of this made any sense at all.  The word attitude has a lot of nuance and it depends a lot on context and how it's used.  Because it actually has several meanings. 

I was guilted about the money my attitude was costing our family, too.  Because my parents were paying out of pocket for my therapy.  I hear about all the money I'm costing this family, etc.  Nevermind the money spent on booze and cocaine... we just won't mention that, lol. 

One of the single most validating things that has ever happened to me was the phone conversation I overheard after they stopped my counseling/therapy.  I have been told it was because I'm nuts and even the professionals couldn't fix me.  Turns out it was because my therapist started questioning their parenting.  I never told my Mom that I overheard her say this.  And the way she said it, too.  It was "Well, she's not in therapy anymore because the guy had the nerve to question how we are raising her.  I decided it was time to stop.  She's the problem.  Not us."  I was .  Sorry but how the hell is an  year old that much of a scourge on your existence? 

I remember asking my dad once when we took a walk, what makes my attitude so bad.  And he told me it's the way I act, or something generic like that.  And I asked him how about how I act specifically makes my attitude bad.  He said I'm self centered.  I asked what that means.  And he said when a bunch of people are talking about something I always have to say what my opinion is on said thing.  And then he said every night at dinner I want to tell them about my day, and those things make me self centered. 

I think this was the beginning of my being a quiet person.  When I'm not at a festival, I am generally a quiet person who doesn't talk a lot.  I remember back then thinking if wanting to tell people about my day and talk about my opinion is bad, then I just won't do it.  (All the things I did to try to be better and have less of a bad attitude is another post on its own.  I will write about that some time.)

I know this is long... but I swear the validating thing that happened yesterday is coming. 

So... as time went on I crossed paths with a lot of critics who had a real problem with the way I conduct myself in a conversation.  My first boyfriend used to tell me I talk too much and that he just wanted me to be quiet.  And if I liked something and talked about it more than once, I was told to stop repeating myself.  And he would also do this thing where... like if there was a movie coming out or something that I really wanted to see with him, I would say, "Hey want to go see Satan devours the Universe this weekend?"  (Obviously that's a made up title.)  And he would say yes.  Then a few days later as the weekend was approaching I would say , "I'm so excited to see Satan devours the Universe this weekend!  I can't wait!"  Then when I would see him, it would be, "So what time is Satan Devours the Universe playing today?" TO me this all seemed normal.  But good Gods this used to piss him off.  And I did it for so long without even realizing it made him mad.  And eventually if I talked about weekend plans on a Tuesday or whatever, he would tell me something like, "Ok but this is the last time I want to hear about it.  I don't want you mentioning it again." And this really threw me off because to me this seemed like normal conversational behavior. 

My ex husband used to make fun of the way I talk even though I don't have any kind of speech impediment or anything wrong with my speech.  And I actually have a really nice speaking voice.  Multiple people have told me this.  But he also would get pissed if I told him about anything that happened that day because he didn't want to hear it.  And if he talked about some issue he was having somewhere and I said, "Well when something like that happened to me I did this." that would get me in trouble too because he is not me and he didn't ask for my story or what I did.

My ex Aaron broke up with me over stuff like this.  I mean there were other reasons (Ayahuasca being the biggest one... and it was honestly worth it.)  But one thing he said when he broke up with me was that he is so sick and tired of me talking to him about my day to day life and things that happen at work, things my friends said or did, things he doesn't care about, etc.  And here I am scratching my head thinking, "Isn't this what people are supposed to do?  Like, what is so bad about talking about interesting things that happened to me when you weren't around?"  It's not like I gave him a 30 minute detailed rundown of my work day every time I saw him.  I would tell him about how there was a mouse running around at work and like 5 guys were chasing it and it was funny, etc. 

And after Aaron... probably not so much because of him but more because I did Ayahuasca a few times, I started really questioning what I am exactly.  I started thinking that at best I"m a narcissist, and at worst I'm probably a sociopath.  I just kept thinking, I don't know how to talk to people.  I can't even have a basic conversation.  And who lacks things like context. affect, empathy, etc... basically all the things we need to have a good conversation with someone? People with Cluster B personality disorders.  And so for a long time I started thinking there's something really messed up about me and I just am missing the mark.  I don't know how to communicate with people.  What else do I not know how to do and don't even understand why? 

Then there was A, my vendor ex.  Conversations with him were so one sided that it didn't even matter.  He talked and I listened.  But he also accused me of things like gaslighting, etc, when I was doing nothing of the sort.  I think he just liked to throw the word gaslighting around for fun.  He was so picky about everything being done a certain way.  And one time he asked me to put some bags on the counter in his kitchen.  Well, the counter was so cluttered I couldn't put them there.  So I just stood there holding them until he came into the house.  I figured if I don't put them where he said to put them he will get mad.  When he came inside. "Why are you just standing there holding the bags?  I said put them on the counter."  And me:  "Because the counter is full of stuff and I figured if I put them somewhere else you would be mad."  Him:  "There you go gaslighting me again!" 

And then, well of course there was Z... her and I could talk for hours and there was no issue at all.  I remember we watched American Gods.  And it would take us forever to get through an episode because one of us would think of something we wanted to say because of something in the show, and when it was paused we would sit and talk for hours.  And maybe that was the main reason I fell so hard for her.  For the first time ever I really felt like I could talk to someone who wasn't a therapist. 

A lot of times when someone talks to me about a specific situation, if I have no advice or other relevant input, all I do is relate.  Like if someone says, "My boss is such a jerk.  He micromanages everything and I can't stand it."  And I don't know what to tell them to do or even if they are seeking advice int he first place, I will say something like, "I had a boss like that once too, it's frustrating as hell."  This apparently isn't the right thing to do.  But I don't know what else to do. 

I don't think I'm a Cluster B person anymore.  I think if there is any serious issue, I am most like somewhere on the Autism spectrum.  As a kid I fit the profile to the letter.  But I'm not a doctor and can't decide that.  I also know people who have autistic loved ones who have told me I should get evaluated for it.  But a diagnosis wouldn't do much to enrich my life at this point.  I have learned to function and manage any symptoms to the point where a doctor probably couldn't help much more than my therapist is already helping.  

So... (here it comes!!!)  Yesterday D had went to pick up the ashes from when he had his skunk cremated.  He was a mess.  He is heartbroken.  His pets are like his kids.  We were on the phone and he was choking up when we were talking.  He was talking about not knowing what to do with the ashes and how it's too soon to decide anything.  And I said something like, "It's been two years since my cat died and I haven't done anything with her ashes yet either.  You don't have to decide anything right now."  And then I added, "I'm sorry for making this conversation all about me for a second."  And I don't remember exactly what he said, but it was something like, "You didn't make it all about you.  I'm going through something and you're telling me about the time you went through something like this.  That's just relating to me.  That's what people are supposed to do when they talk to each other." 

Ok... all throughout my life I thought that was the case.  And so now here I am wondering if I've really been messing up as much as I have been accused of messing up.  Or maybe I really have been doing it wrong this whole time and I just happened to meet someone who is also doing it wrong, lol.  I've asked people in my past if that's not normal, and I've been told how selfish I am, how out of touch I am, how I lack self awareness, etc.  I spent a few years actually thinking I might be a sociopath because of this crap. 

And I know D is not a supreme being who is infallible and can't be wrong.  But it's hard to explain how massively validating it was just to hear someone else say that's what people are supposed to do when they talk to each other, or however he said it.  I found myself thinking, "How the hell does someone get this far in life without knowing basic conversational skills?'  But I think all this time I have known them and I just have been unfortunate enough to be surrounded by some royal slowdowns.  When I was a kid my parents also had me convinced for a shot time that I didn't know how to smile either.  I was told that my smile always looks fake in pictures and that I look stupid when I smile.  Well jee... wonder why it looked so fake Mom and Dad? lol  They looked happy in every picture probably because they just snorted some blow beforehand. 

 

[Cynder]

So, there is this guy who is an acquaintance of mine.  I will call him J.  I know him from festivals, mainly CPPD.  He is a photographer.  He always walks around at festivals taking these awesome, professional pics.  Every year at CPPD he comes into my booth and takes a few pics of me and tells me what he's been up to.  And that's pretty much been the nature of our acquaintanceship up to this point. 

I didn't even know this until after D and I started seeing each other, but D and J are good friends.  They've known each other for years.  Well, D told me the other night that J's Dad died and he was going to go see him yesterday. 

So today my plan was to sleep, then do laundry and paint.  And that was it.  I woke up and was sitting in my art room getting ready to paint.  And I saw J was online.  So I sent him a short message saying something like, "Hey, D told me your Dad passed away.  I'm so sorry for your loss." Well, long story short, that started a 6 hour conversation.  He messaged back and told me he doesn't really know how to feel because him and his dad didn't get along.  I told him it was the same for me when my dad died because he hated me and he blamed me for ruining his life, but I always hope we could get passed that at some point and he would treat me like a daughter, and when he died I knew that would never happen.  (See... it's not a bad thing to relate to people after all.)  And he told me he pretty much feels the same way now. 

What followed was several hours of talking about family, being raised Catholic, festivals, music, relationships, death, social issues, etc.  And we talked about going shooting together some time.  I'll tell you... since Z and I split up and there was this mass exodus of toxicity from my life (Yes, I know L is still here but she's on her way out) all these new friendships and new people I've met have been awesome.  I've known J for years, but I've barely known him.  Now I feel like I have a potential new friend to go take pictures with and stuff.  I love going and finding interesting places to photograph, etc.  But no one ever wants to go do that with me.  I would have absolutely no issue doing it by myself.  But I can't drive. 

And, in this conversation we also talked about D, a little.  J told me he was so surprised when he saw that D and I are together because he knows us both but didn't realize we knew each other that well.  He said he couldn't think of two people that are more perfect for each other.  He was like, "Both of you are so easy to talk to, and you're both so creative, you have the same sense of humor..." 

And then at the end of the conversation, D came up again.  J was saying goodnight because he was about to go to sleep.  And he was like, "I'm so glad D has someone like you in his life.  He's been through a lot and he needs someone to treat him right."  And he said that since we started seeing each other he has noticed that D is a lot happier and stuff and then he was like, "He really does love you.  I've heard all about it.  He's not shy about it at all."

Yea, it's obvious he is really into me.  But other people have been really into me, too.  None of them were into me enough to not cheat, or not ghost, or not start to hate me as time went on.  I still think it's funny that this started out as something completely different.  I think things changed in the hotel room the weekend of CWB when we made out in the hotel room.  The first time we kissed was hard to describe.  I mean that in a good way. 

Another memory that really stands out was back in 2021 at CPPD, this was 2 weeks after Z left when I was barely functioning.  I don't even know how the hell I managed to do so well that year at CPPD.  I was an emotional wreck.  I was in m,y booth trying not to cry all weekend.  And every time someone I know would come over to talk to me it was like having to put up extra layers of defense.  Because everyone was asking, "So where's your girlfriend at?"  And then L threw her huge fit on Saturday afternoon because not enough people were paying attention to her I guess.  She flipped out, screamed, cussed, made a huge scene and left.  Then on Sunday morning the top of my tent collapsed and about a a grand worth of inventory was ruined.  I was so done.  I just was barely keeping myself together at that point.  And then I'm standing there in my booth talking to Jules and D just comes walking up out of nowhere (this is the first time I've seen him all weekend, he wasn't there on Friday and Saturday.) So he just walks up to me out of nowhere and takes me by the arm and starts walking me back behind the tent.  And he said something to Jules about watching the booth for a few minutes.  And we went back behind my tent and he just hugged me while I had a good cry for a few minutes.  He knew what was going on with L and with my tent because we had been texting here and there. 

So when I'm done crying behind my tent, I remember standing there while he was giving me kind of a pep talk.  But while he was saying all this stuff I just member looking him up and down and wondering when he got so hot.  I even remember asking myself if he had always looked that good and I just never noticed or what.  He was dressed in all black.  He was wearing a kilt.  He had lost some weight since I saw him last.  His hair was longer.  There were a few new tattoos.  I remember feeling guilty afterwords, too.  Like here he is trying to make me feel better and I'm just lusting and thinking he looks really scrumptious today, lol.  And I had never really looked at him that way before, either.  And I also felt bad because I was still so in love with Z at the time and I was hoping her and I would patch things up.  Thank the Gods we didn't and her ass is in another state. 

 

[catfeeder]

Hello Cynder,
Sounds like you're learning to see a contrast between open people who are defenseless because they have nothing to defend versus those who treated you as 'evil' because they were defensive against their sense that you could see through them.

That vision is a gift on one hand, yet you've been tortured for it all your life by those who were (and are) afraid of being seen.

You're learning how it feels to be able to relax into perfectly natural ways of relating and being with others who know how to do the same. While it's heartbreaking that you were never afforded encouragement toward this simple state, isn't it lovely and fabulous to experience now?

As sorry as I am about your experience with the elderly skunk, and especially for D, I also can objectively see the timing as an opening for you to learn that your 'relating' intuitions are natural and not at all self centered or selfish.

Welcome to 2023, darling! Your world is not only opening, but your are integrating your past with your present, and you are doing a marvelous job of it.

EnjOy! Cat

[Cynder]

6 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Hello Cynder,
Sounds like you're learning to see a contrast between open people who are defenseless because they have nothing to defend versus those who treated you as 'evil' because they were defensive against their sense that you could see through them.

That vision is a gift on one hand, yet you've been tortured for it all your life by those who were (and are) afraid of being seen.

You're learning how it feels to be able to relax into perfectly natural ways of relating and being with others who know how to do the same. While it's heartbreaking that you were never afforded encouragement toward this simple state, isn't it lovely and fabulous to experience now?

As sorry as I am about your experience with the elderly skunk, and especially for D, I also can objectively see the timing as an opening for you to learn that your 'relating' intuitions are natural and not at all self centered or selfish.

Welcome to 2023, darling! Your world is not only opening, but your are integrating your past with your present, and you are doing a marvelous job of it.

EnjOy! Cat

I really wish I would have figured a lot of this stuff out earlier.  But I guess on one hand I did and just had people around me who were not receptive to it.  My parents (Dad especially) seemed to want to just interact with me as little as possible.  And that pattern continued with other people.  I know it's my fault because I chose to be around those people. 

D lost two skunks in 2022.  Baby Girl died in July and she was young.  So her dying was a real shock.  She was a micro, though, and they are notorious for having a lot of health issues.  Her death really hit him hard, and that wasn't even 6 months ago.  I put her in my Alice In Wonderland painting that I was working on at the time and he was really surprised that I did that.  And we weren't even dating at the time. 

I am excited for this year.  I can feel that this is going to be a good year. 

Thank you for replying.  And I hope your year is awesome too!

 

[catfeeder]

7 hours ago, Cynder said:

My parents (Dad especially) seemed to want to just interact with me as little as possible.  And that pattern continued with other people.  I know it's my fault because I chose to be around those people. 

Careful how you use the word 'fault'. Of course you've chosen people who were as mean and dismissive as your parents--those behaviors are what your parents raised you to accept as natural.

This is not stuff that's fully self-learned out of ourselves as we mature, at least without a lot of work, because t's ingrained developmentally.

An internal definition of 'love' that feels like longing is pre-verbal. It's like cellular memory. Acceptance of mistreatment just rolls right off of adults who were raised that way as children. They don't aim for better because they don't know any better--how could they?

Fortunately, you own the intelligence for self advocacy and self care. When adults noticed the spark of THAT, the damaged generation before you opted to call you 'evil' rather than check themselves.

They knew they weren't kind, and they knew they weren't right, and they probably even knew that they were ignorant, but they most especially didn't want the baby who they mistreated to grow into someone smart enough to SEE all of this about them.

The biggest irony of all is that YOU are KIND.

You've broken their cycle, Cynder. That's very hard for them. 🙂

 

[Cynder]

15 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Careful how you use the word 'fault'. Of course you've chosen people who were as mean and dismissive as your parents--those behaviors are what your parents raised you to accept as natural.

This is not stuff that's fully self-learned out of ourselves as we mature, at least without a lot of work, because t's ingrained developmentally.

An internal definition of 'love' that feels like longing is pre-verbal. It's like cellular memory. Acceptance of mistreatment just rolls right off of adults who were raised that way as children. They don't aim for better because they don't know any better--how could they?

Fortunately, you own the intelligence for self advocacy and self care. When adults noticed the spark of THAT, the damaged generation before you opted to call you 'evil' rather than check themselves.

They knew they weren't kind, and they knew they weren't right, and they probably even knew that they were ignorant, but they most especially didn't want the baby who they mistreated to grow into someone smart enough to SEE all of this about them.

The biggest irony of all is that YOU are KIND.

You've broken their cycle, Cynder. That's very hard for them. 🙂

 

Disclaimer... this starts off as a reply to you and then just goes way off into left field.  A lot of my posts in here are just streams of consciousness, lol. 

My kindness was something they really tried to twist around when I was a kid, and even as an adult. 

I remember once during my couch surfing days I stopped over at my parents' house for some reason, and my step sister was there with a friend of hers.  My Mom wasn't there but my step dad was.  At some point later on after my sister and her friend left and my Mom was home, I said something about how my sister's friend was really pretty.  I didn't get a close up look at her.  I saw her for like 5 seconds and she had long curly blond hair and a nice body.  She reminded me of Portia DeRossi. 

Oh my Gods... the drama this started.  Somehow my Mom got it in her head that my sister brought this pretty girl over to the house so my step dad would take a liking to her and cheat on my mom with her. 

And then my bio sister starts talking about how that girl is actually really ugly because she has bad acne and her teeth are all messed up.  Ok, well I didn't see any acne on her face and I never even saw her teeth.  But then my Mom and my sister are mad at me because I lied just to start drama.  And it became this huge thing, all just because I said some woman I didn't even know was pretty. 

There are a lot of stories like this, too.  I remember when I was maybe 12 I told this lady at the store that her baby was cute and I caught hell for that the whole way home.  Because it's rude to just walk up to a stranger and start talking. 

My dad went through a phase where he really wanted a camper.  He bought it and we never even used it.  But when we were going around looking at campers for sale I remember we were at this one house and my sister had to use the bathroom.  So my Mom, my sister and I all went in the house with the wife of the guy who owned the camper.  There was a painting in there living room of a horse that I thought was really cool.  It was in this trippy style.  They were a couple of older hippies, so it was fitting.  And I told the lady that I liked the painting.  And she was like, "Yea, isn't it cool?  My husband and I got it from this street artist out in Denver last year."  And I guess it was a horse the way they hung it up but if you turned it a different way it was a bird.  And she was explaining that to me without taking it down.  She was like, "See, here's the wing." etc. 

Then we get back out into he car and my Mom starts complaining about how me and the wife were "going at it like two duck's asses."  I have no idea what this expression means and my Mom is the only one I've ever heard use it.  Whenever I talked too much she would call me a duck's ass.  I would hear "Shut up, you duck's ass!"  So she's complaining to my dad about how me and the wife were like two duck's asses and she turns around and says, "You just can't keep your mouth shut can you?  You just had to say something about that stupid painting." 

There were so many times I got in trouble just for having positive interactions with people. 

This story is kind of off subject but I keep wanting to tell it here just because it's interesting and kind of goes along with the topic.  The summer when I was 12 my parents sent me to stay with my aunt in another state for the whole summer.  I was never told why but it was most likely because they just wanted me gone for a while.  I didn't ask why at the time because I was really excited about staying with my aunt for a few months.  She lived right on the bank of a river and we always had fun when we went to visit, so I was really happy I was going. 

Well, I tan really easy when I'm out in the sun a lot.  And we were outside swimming in the river and playing by the river the whole time I was there, so I got dark.  And my hair is naturally curly.  When I was younger I didn't know how to take care of it so it was always just really frizzy and wild all the time.  Well, we went out boating for a whole day with these friends of my aunt and uncle. 

And I'm going to just give a disclaimer for everyone reading this, these people were kind of racist.  And my aunt and uncle kind of were too.  And I'm going to use the term "mixed" to refer to a biracial person.  I know that's not a politically correct term anymore but at the time it was.  Honestly, I don't even know if the term biracial is ok to say anymore.  Every week something new is offensive and wrong.  So if anything I say is offensive here, sorry. 

But this couple who had the boat we went out on thought I was mixed.  And they made some weird comments about it.  At one point the husband was asking me which one of my parents was the black parent, etc.  I told him neither of my parents are black and he asked if I have black grandparents. 

And I was using the bathroom on the boat and I overheard my aunt and the wife talking.  And the wife was telling me aunt how beautiful I am.  She was like, "She's an absolutely beautiful child.  They should think about getting her into modeling.  Modeling agencies love mixed people.  That's really popular right now in all the magazines and stuff." 

And my aunt got kinda snappy with this lady.  She was like, "She's not mixed!  My brother's not married to a black woman!"  I was really stunned hearing this because no one had ever told me I was pretty before. 

This was toward the end of my stay down there and my parents were told about it.  They were told both that these people thought I was really pretty and that they thought I was mixed. My parents brought this up a few times as a negative thing.  They told some other people about these two weirdos who thought I was really pretty and thought I should model, etc.  And my dad questioned if either of them touched me or if I was ever alone with either of them when I was down there.  

So instead of thinking, "Wow, these two people thought we have a really beautiful daughter." It was, "These two weirdos wanted to molest our daughter." 

And it's ironic too because my dad had an unhealthy fixation on the girl who lived by us who was around my age.  Her name was Jessica and my dad was always commenting on how beautiful she is, etc. 

So even anyone showing me any kindness was a bad thing when I was growing up. 

When I got back from my aunt's house I was really depressed for a while because I missed my aunt and my cousins.  And if I cried about it I got my ass beat because my parents said I was being ridiculous and I had nothing to be sad about.  Well, I spent a whole summer being treated like a kid should be treated and not like garbage.  So, I had plenty to be sad about when I came back home.  My Dad even commented a few times about how now they've got someone to blame stuff on again and how they have lost time to make up for.  The fact that at least my Dad was aware he was doing this is really disgusting.

I've been off work for three days and haven't really gotten much done.  But sometimes resting is something I have to force myself to do.  Since I work a lot from home I need to separate work life from home life sometimes and just give myself permission to do nothing at home.  D says I am feeling his depression.  And I'm sure I am.  He subscribes to the theory that two people who are really close can feel each other's pain.  There's supporting evidence either way.  I can't say I believe or disbelieve it. 

Since the death of *******, two people have offered to give him their skunks that they don't want anymore.  Skunks are good pets when they are properly trained and socialized.  But to train and socialize them takes time and energy that most people don't want to put in.  A lot of people get them for the mystique.  Or they get them because they heard somewhere, "Oh, well once the scent glands are removed it's just like having a cat!"  Well, yes, they do have some similar behavior to cats and they can be litter trained like a cat, owning one isn't just like having a cat.  Skunks are really territorial and jealous animals.  They also need a lot of handling.  Their nails need trimmed regularly.  And the males can be pretty aggressive and pee everywhere before they are fixed.  D is currently trying to scrape together the money to get his two baby males fixed.  It's going to cost around $800 or the two of them. 

He was offered a fully grown female and a baby male.  He wants me to take the baby male and I just can't do it.  I don't have the money for another pet of any kind right now and I don't have the time for a pet that needs a lot of training and socialization.  He really wants to find a way to get them both because he doesn't want them to have to be put down. 

D is really fortunate that he basically sets his own hours for work.  So he can plan his whole day around what the animals need, etc.  I can't do that. 

Anyway...  back to work tonight.  Time to sleep. 

 

[Cynder]

So... a few times in the 11+ years this thread has been going on, I've written about The Professor.  His name is Tom.  But he actually is a Professor of Economics at a private college.  I've known him since my early twenties.  He used to hang out at that one coffee shop I went to regularly and we would always have these interesting conversations.  He's about ten years older than me and he acted like he was interested in me early on. 

Well, we continued to see each other around town and at the coffee shop, while I was married, while he dated different women, etc.  Around 2010 when my ex husband and I decided to open up our marriage, I ran into him when I was on a walk, and we ended up spending an hour or so just sitting in the park talking.  And after that I had a huge crush on him.  And I made the mistake of telling my sister about it, because he knows my whole family.  All the Italians in this town all know each other. 

Well, my lesbian sister decides it would be absolutely hilarious to basically throw herself at him just to piss me off.  And he ended up falling crazy in love with her and chasing after her for years.  And my Mom thought this was really funny too. 

A few years ago I ran into him at the store.  And he was talking about how my sister broke his heart into a million peaces and no one in the world could have ever treated her as well as he would have.  Maybe this was wrong of me but I told him as gently as I could that my sister is gay, and so it's not him.  She just doesn't like men.  He got really mad at me and walked off in a huff.  By this my crush on him was long over and I felt bad about upsetting him, but I figured knowing was better than just thinking he's somehow defective because my sister didn't want to date him. 

I didn't talk to him for a while after that.  I'm pretty sure he even unfriended me on Facebook after that.  But then I got a friend request from him again some time around 2019 because he was planning on going down to Peru to do Ayahuasca and he ran into my Mom at some point and told her, and she told him, "You know you really should talk to my oldest daughter about that.  She's done it a few times."  So that was how we started talking again.  He never made it to Peru, unfortunately because of the pandemic. 

He came over a couple times and hung out with Z and I since he lives right around the corner from me now.  Z didn't like him.  But I'm starting to think Z just doesn't like most people who she can't get drunk with. 

So, over the summer he kept pestering me to go out with him just once.  He knew I had been through a bad breakup.  He told me the first date after a breakup is the hardest.  He said we are old friends and told me I should just let him take me out to dinner.  So I did eventually.  We went and sat by the Koi pond in the park and talked for a while, and then we went to a sushi place and had dinner.  Nothing happened other than a kiss on the cheek at the end of the night. 

And just in case anyone reading this is wondering where this is going, no, I'm not cheating on D, don't worry. 

After that he came to pick me up when I was stranded at the tattoo shop on a rainy night one night.  And that was the last I had heard from him. 

Well, last night he called me.  I picked up the phone wondering why he was calling me out of nowhere because it was almost 10pm.  I pick up the phone and he asked if this was still my number.  And he was sobbing.  I've never known him to be an emotional person so that really surprised me.  He told me he just doesn't know what to do and that he needed to talk to someone who wouldn't judge him, and I was the only person he could think of. 

So we had a conversation where he told me how depressed he is because his kids live far away and he wasn't able to go see them for Christmas, and how he spent Christmas all by himself, etc.  He was saying he won't kill himself because he's too "chickensh--" to do it, but that he doesn't want to live anymore.  And here I am thinking, I know exactly how he feels, but I also have no clue what to say because when I was in that state of mind nothing anyone said could make it better. 

I had to get off the phone and go to work but I told him to keep texting me.  I will be up all night and no one should be alone in that state of mind. 

I told D what was going on, too.  Not only did I tell him what Tom was going through right now but I also told him about my history with this guy.  I don't keep things from anyone I'm in a relationship with, polyamorous or not.  I was honest.  I told him I used to have a crush on this guy over ten years ago and I did go on one date with him last summer but it never went anywhere.  And I knew it wasn't going anywhere before I even left the house that night.  It was just to help get over Z. 

And then Tom decides to tell me, "You know I've always had a thing for you.  I hope your boyfriend doesn't mind you talking to me.  I told him he doesn't.  But I didn't tell him that D and I are polyamorous because I think if I do he will start wanting to date me again.  And I'm not interested.  And I also told him that a long time ago I had a crush on him, too.  But I knew it was my sister he really wanted.  He tried to backpeddle and say he never really wanted my sister.  Like dude... really?  How many times did he tell me how in love with my sister he was and how much she broke his heart?  Quite a few. 

I won't even just blow someone off when they are so depressed they call me up sobbing and saying they don't want to live.  But he missed his chance if he ever wanted a chance to begin with. 

Just a side note... he is Bi, too., but in the closet. Boy if he knew D and I were poly AND D is Bi... he would be creeping on us both. 

A cab driver I know who is openly bisexual (male) has already asked me if D and I would be down for a threesome.  And he messaged me and asked me this on Facebook.  Like, "Hey how's it going?  So I see you're dating someone?  He's pretty good looking.  And I totally creeped on his profile and saw he's into dudes.  Would the two of you ever want another guy to join in?"  This is pretty much how his side of the conversation went. 

It's interesting that no one has ever asked for a threesome when I've been dating a woman.  Now D and I start dating and some dude I haven't talked to in months just asks that out of nowhere.  And I'm sure if Tom knew the whole story he would be asking for it too in a more subtle way. 

I know though, for a fact that this is something he would never be down for.  And that's fine.  He hates being fetishized and I guess Bi males are the biggest offenders.  I guess it makes sense that they would be.  He passes for a cis man easily.  And he's what a lot of people would call a pretty boy.  But he still has female anatomy downstairs.  I can see how a bi guy would be into that.  But I also understand why he hates being fetishized, too.  And I would never put him in a position where that would happen. 

I had a dream about Z last night.  That scares me a little bit.  Because the last two times I've had dreams about her, I got a message from her not long after.  I'm sure it was just a coincidence.  I don't claim to have some mystical powers and see the future in my dreams. 

I won't lie though, I want her to contact me again, just so I can ignore her.  Petty, sure.  But I'm being honest.  I don't lie to myself about this kind of stuff.  I've even told D I want her contact me again just so I can ignore her.  Yea, it might seem weird that I talked to him about it.  But he is one of the people I talked to a lot when I was really depressed right after she left.  He helped me get through that time.  Soto me it seems normal to talk to him about it even if now we are more than friends. 

Anyway, I need to sleep so I can get up and clean and paint.  I have a job interview tomorrow at the head shop.  It's a part time job.  I just am trying to make some extra money for NF.  And I am a perfect fir for this place.  A few of the people who work there come into the gym late at night and they all told me I should come and work with them so I can afford the sky high NF vending fee. 

Alrighty... so this time I really am ending this and going to sleep.