Life On The Rocinante' (After Dark!)

[Cynder]

I was cleaning and letting my mind wander.  And something interesting occurred to me.  Some of the most kind hearted people I've ever met are drug dealers.  I might not be alive today if it weren't for a drug dealer, literally.  And no, I wasn't his customer.  

This is something I will expand on when I have time.  

  

[Cynder]

I'm about to go to sleep... these last few days I've had that "I don't want to wake up" feeling when I go to bed.  I don't know what is going on and why I feel this way all of a sudden. 

Last night for the time I was done cleaning and sitting in the spa area all by myself, I was revising a chapter of the novel, and that was the only thing that made me somewhat happy. 

[Cynder]

Ok, this is going to be a rant, sorry.  This is something I already talked about earlier this week.  People who just don't know how to show up on time.

Ok so I did this painting for this woman who lives an hour away, like 2 years ago. She has already paid me for it.  But twice before now, she has scheduled a time to come and pick it up, and then just never showed up.  

I actually made plans to go up to where she lives and take it to her, and she canceled and never rescheduled. 

Well, now she is moving to PA, so she needs to come and get it.  So when we were planning this whole thing out, I explained to her that it would have to be late afternoon/early evening because of my sleep schedule.  Saturday's are kind of weird for me because I split my sleep up.  This is the only day I do that because of Aerial class.  I got to bed at around 4AM, then get up at 8 and go to class.  I get home around noon.  (No, my class isn't four hours.  I get up at 8, shower, eat, leave for class around 9:30 and then my class goes officially from 10:15 to 11:15.  But it usually ends up being 10:30 to 11:30.  And then I usually stop at the store on the way home.  And then when I get home I crash for about 4 more hours. 

Well, she asked what time was best.  I said 5.  She said that's way too late and she wants to make it 3.  Ok, I can just stay up and sleep after she leaves.  We talked about this.  She knows how my day goes on Saturdays and that I work nights. 

So, 3 comes and goes.  She's not here.  At 3:30 I message her.  She's running late and it will be around 4.  Ok...  So I take a shower and basically get ready for bed so I can lay down as soon as she leaves.  Well, just a few minutes ago I get another message, "Hey, I am just now leaving my house.  Sorry.  It will be a little after 5." 

I am f*cking livid.  I didn't go off on her, but I sure as hell wasn't all, "Oh it's fine!" either.  I told her 5 was the time I suggested so I could sleep after class, and I stayed up just to accommodate her.  And she's like, "Well we only have one vehicle to share between two of us."  I don't give a sh*t.  I have NO vehicle and I still get places on time.  I told her that too.  I didn't say I don't give a sh.  But I said I have no vehicle and I still show up on time where I need to be. 

I don't understand how people think it's ok to show up two hours late.  You wouldn't show up for work 2 hours late.  You wouldn't show up for a Doc appt two hours late.  So why is it ok to keep anyone else waiting two hours. 

And this is becoming more and more of a thing in our society. People just don't respect other people's time.   And people might be reading this thinking she's my customer and the customer is always right.  Well, as a business owner, no they aren't.  I've kicked customers out of my booth before for harassing my employees.  I've refused to sell to people who were just being general scumbags to me.  It's part of the beauty of being your own boss. 

Idk...  it also annoys me that people don't seem to get the third shift schedule.  People seem to think just because it's daylight out I should be awake.  They don't seem to understand that when they are tucked in their beds I'm working. 

 

[Cynder]

Today is Z's birthday.  Last year we had so much fun on this day.  I loved spoiling her.  I am blocked so it's obvious she doesn't want to hear from me.  It's probably a good thing because u would message her if I wasn't.  

I remember the guy u dated off and on from age 17 to age 23 called me on his birthday the year after we broke up.  He kept asking ne if I knew what today was.  And I honestly didn't remember that it was hus birthday.  We had been broken up for over a year.  I kinda wish I would have just forgotten today was her birthday like I did with him.  She struck a far deeper cord I guess.  

On my phone.  Sorry if this is sloppy.  I've also only had 2 hours of sleep thanks to a-holes who showed up hours late.  

[Jibralta]

On 6/21/2022 at 9:29 PM, Cynder said:

Like, 25 years ago a straight author trying to write a gay character would have been really challenging and they probably would have gotten crucified for doing it wrong.

Mercedes Lackey has had gay characters--often main characters--in her books since the 80s. It didn't cause an uproar. Interestingly, I think people these days are way more sensitive and way more intolerant than they were 30-40 years ago. 

[Cynder]

4 hours ago, Jibralta said:

Mercedes Lackey has had gay characters--often main characters--in her books since the 80s. It didn't cause an uproar. Interestingly, I think people these days are way more sensitive and way more intolerant than they were 30-40 years ago. 

Agreed 100% about people being less tolerant.  I remember when I was a kid it seemed like it was a cool thing that the US is a melting pot and that we have a mix of all these different cultures here, etc.  Now people are offended over white people operating Taco trucks because it's cultural appropriation. 

I've never read Mercedes Lackey.  Up until very recent I just haven't read a lot of book simply because of my vision. 

Maybe gay was a bad example. 

But I could just imagine the firestorm if I attempted to write a trans character and got one tiny thing wrong.  Honestly my experience with Z has made my kind of intimidated by trans people.  before her, I was never uncomfortable at all around trans people.  And I know quite a few.  There are a lot of trans people in the festival world.  And before her, none of them ever had an issue with me.  But now I'm just afraid that everything I say is going to be twisted around.  And that has caused me to be less comfortable around them.  I don't think self fulfilling prophecy is the word for this.  But it's definitely ironic that in all her accusations she kinda turned me into something I wasn't. 

I remember trying to tell her that yes, I don't understand what it's like to be her.  But I understand what it's like to hate how you look and hate your body because I hate how I look and I hate my body.  And I also understand what it's like to obsess over things to the point of it being debilitating because I have OCD.  So no, I can't relate directly to her situation.  But I can still imagine how hard it must be, just based on these things about myself.  Well, instead of appreciating that I'm trying, of course this was twisted around into "How dare you compare yourself to me!"  And then I went on some of the online support groups for partners of trans people and told this story, and they all agreed with her.  It's so toxic for me to even THINK I understand on ANY level what she's going through, and I'm so arrogant and narcissistic!

Yesterday I was thinking about the conversation I had with her once about FFS (facial ministration surgery.)  I told her that it does worry me a little because of what it involves.  The procedure itself is so invasive from what I read.  But also, I worried because her face at that moment was the face I fell in love with.  She already had such a beautiful face.  her features were so soft.  But I also looked at a lot of before and after pics.  It's not like it would have completely changed her face.  She would still look like herself, jsut more feminine.  And I told her that too.  But instead of her just acknowledging that I felt that way it was turned into "She tried to talk me out of FFS because she doesn't want me to transition."  That isn't what I did.  I was just telling her how I felt about her having FFS.  I wanted her to have it because I knew it was important to her.  That's why I was doing the research in the first place.  But none of that mattered.  And then of course I made the mistake of going on the support groups again and everyone backed her up and told me I was wrong. 

So, to me, anything to do with trans people is not a subject I want to touch with a ten foot pole as an author.  I think I could do it.  But I'm not going to do it because I don't want to be told what a sh*tbag I am by a bunch of strangers.  I have a character who is a crossdresser in my novel.  For him it's a fetish.  He does it because it turns him on and nothing more.  For a lot of crossdressers it is exactly that.  I know quite a few and it's a kink for them. But that character being a crossdresser even offended a lot of people on Reddit.  I was accused of villainizing crossdressers and kink shaming. Ok... him being a crossdresser isn't framed in a negative way or in a positive way. It is just framed as he's a crossdresser.  It's no different than saying he likes cheeseburgers.  I was married to a crossdresser for 8 years.  And i knew from the third date that he was a crossdresser.  Clearly I don't hate crossdressers.

And when Z and I first started talking, one thing she really liked about me was the fact that I was so non judgmental about my ex husband being a crossdresser.  Him and I went shopping together and I would help him pick out stuff to wear, etc.  She just thought that was so cool.  And the fact that I knew all these trans people from working at festivals and that I have trans people in my family, etc.  She told me early on that I was one of the few people she felt comfortable being herself around because she knew I would never judge her.  And then after a year together, suddenly she's acting like I'm the biggest freaking transphobe on the planet.  

I met a trans woman at the Pride event I went to the other night and she had on a really nice dress.  I hesitated to even complement her because I was worried that just saying I like her dress would be twisted around somehow.  I was afraid to even really look at her dress because how did I know she wasn't going to be like, "What the hell are you looking at?" I did compliment her, though, and we ended up having a nice conversation.  So I'm at least trying to get over my anxiety. 

When my novel is published (because it's going to be, one way or another, even if I self publish it... I've made the decision.  No turning back now.)  I actually don't want some of my family and friends to see it.  And I definitely don't want my ex seeing it.  So I think I will just have to keep it on the downlow.  It sucks that I can't share this with people I know.  When that day comes and I get the Author's copies in the mail, I will want to take pics and post them on social media, but I won't be able to do that.  If I sell them at my booth, depending on who is working with me I might have to jsut pretend they were written by someone I know.  I can't let Z get her hands on it or even know about it.  And sadly, since I don't really trust anyone anymore, that means I need to just assume anyone I know will go tell her. 

It's so easy to throw every chapter up in writing subreddits and then read the comments.  I mean, over 5k people have read my latest chapter. I actually have fans.  But those people don't know who I am.  I plan on using a pen name.  But I still don't want people I know to see it because of all the trouble it could cause.  Also I get people on Reddit telling me this is the most disturbing thing they've ever read.  I don't want people I know being like, "What the hell is wrong with you?"  I mean, the chapter I posted here on ENA was pretty dark, but that isn't even as dark as it gets.  

 

[Cynder]

So it was around this time a few years ago that my Aunt Virginia passed away. I have written about her a little bit here before but never went into any detail.  Her and I had a really weird relationship.  She never liked me, ever.  And she's not actually my aunt.  Basically she lived across the street from my Grandparents for like 50 years. And they were really good friends.  And when my Mom and her siblings were growing up they all called her Aunt Virginia.  And then when my siblings and I were growing up we all called her that, too.  I mean, she was a really good friend of the family.  She was at all the family get together on the holidays, etc. 

I know it seems like I write so much negative crap about members of my family in here.  And I do.  But I'm reflecting back on my childhood. There was a lot of negativity toward me in my family.  I grew up in a large Italian Catholic family in a small town.  A lot of family members don't like me just because I was born out of wedlock and my Mom was pregnant by a guy who was already married.  Ok, yea that's bad, but I still fail to see how that is my fault.  I didn't ask to be conceived.

And I really was well behaved as a kid.  I just got a lot of hate from family members because of things that were out of my control.  A lot of my aunts and Uncles really dislike me and some of them are pretty open about it. 

But anyway... Aunt Virginia was a heavy drinker and so was her husband my Uncle Richard.  And I remember at so many family gatherings she would get drunk and start seriously picking on me.  I'm not talking just innocent teasing either.  She would want to twist things I did and said into other things, and then start using all these manipulation tactics on me that I couldn't defend against because I was a kid.  But also, I remember being .  able to stump her at age 7.  I'm not bragging.  I'm really not.  Because most of the time I didn't stump her.  But I remember this one time when I did and it was in front of a whole group of people at my Grandma's house.  Earlier that week she babysat us and I had a really bad day at school that day. I was in second grade at the time.  And I remember when she was babysitting us, I was drawing a picture and just crying to myself a little bit because I had such a bad day at school.  And she wanted to know what was wrong.  But it wasn't in a concerned way it was in a "What the hell are you crying about!" kind of way.  So 7 year old me starts telling her what a bad day I had.  I told her I fell on the playground and hurt myself and my hamburger was frozen at lunch and the lunch lady wouldn't give me another one.  And the teacher called on me in class and I didn't know the answer.  Etc.  And she told me that's nothing to cry about so knock it off. 

Well then that weekend we are all at my grandma's house and I forget what I said, but she starts telling me I need to be more grateful because other people have it worse in the world.  She didn't seem to understand that the world is a really small place to a 7 year old.  To a 7 year old their world is what they can perceive.  A 7 year old doesn't comprehend that there are wars going on, and people starving, and crime happening, and homeless people and diseases, etc.  And she is giving me all this crap about how there are people in the world who have it worse than me and I really need to be more grateful for everything I have.  Ok... I didn't even know what the word grateful meant.  So I asked her.  And she said it's realizing that I can't always have what I want and that life is hard.  Ok... that's not what grateful means, lol.  But that's what she said.  And I didn't really understand what she meant.  And then she starts telling me about the other day when I was telling her what a terrible life I have and that I just hate my life cause I had a bad day at school.  And I pointed out that saying I had a bad day isn't the same as saying I have a terrible life.  And my Grandpa and Uncle Richard were sitting right there with a few other of the adults and they all were like, "Well she's got you there Virginia."  This is something I still can remember so vividly. 

And I remember a few years later... at another family gathering, she started talking to me about some teenage boy who beat his Mom with a baseball bat because the rock music he listened to told him to do it.  And she's telling me that the music I like makes people do bad things and I don't need to be any more rotten than I already am and stuff.  And I told her that I don't know any songs that talk about beating your parents with a baseball bat and he must have been a pretty bad guy anyway if he did that."  Once again, I shut her down. 

I think once I wrote in here about the time she was flipping through channels and saw Aerosmith performing on some show or something and she got all pissed off about it and started giving me crap at a family gathering.  That was a time I didn't shut her down because I just didn't understand why she was upset with me because Aerosmith offended her.  Ok... every Aerosmith song I can think of is beyond tame.  I know they sing a lot of love songs and a lot of songs about breaking up.  Idk... maybe I am missing something but based on what I know nothing about them is offensive. 

When she was sick and in hospice care, my siblings and I all went to see her with my Mom.  And she was telling the hospice nurse about all of us.  She's talking about how my sister is such a good kid and she's so good at sports. And how my brothers are really nice and also really good at sports.  (Definitely pattern here.)  Then she gets to me and tells the nurse that I'm the rotten apple of the bunch and that I draw.  Literally that's what she said.  I'm the rotten apple of the bunch and I draw. 

You know... my parents were together for 18 years and had four kids together.  But they never actually got married.  My other siblings were born out of wedlock too.  Maybe it wasn't as big a deal with them because by then my Dad had left his wife for my Mom and none of them were affair babies. Idk. 

Ok so on to my music of the moment... this is a song I would probably never seek out on my own.  But for some reason Youtube decided to play it for me.  I wonder if I can play this song at work.  I think it would be hilarious.  I can control what plays if I want to.  There are days where at like 5AM when we start getting good crowd in there I play Eye of the Tiger just because to me it's funny.  Like lets get these people motivated, you know?  There are mornings where I decided I'm playing all 80s rock.  There are mornings when I play all Techno, etc.  Then there are mornings where I just play whatever I feel inclined to play.  My boss does have it limited.  I mean, there's probably a couple thousand songs I have access to.  But I can't just play anything.  But I'm telling you... if I can play this song at work, I'm so playing it at 5AM my next shift.  So what song is this that I'm talking about:

 

[Jibralta]

6 hours ago, Cynder said:

A lot of family members don't like me just because I was born out of wedlock and my Mom was pregnant by a guy who was already married.  Ok, yea that's bad, but I still fail to see how that is my fault.  I didn't ask to be conceived.

And I really was well behaved as a kid.  I just got a lot of hate from family members because of things that were out of my control.

I am adopted. My biological mom was 16 when she had me and my biological dad was 19. I recently (within the last 5 years) discovered their identities and contacted various members of my bio-family, including my bio-parents.

I don't want to make this into a long story, but I am really surprised at how most of them seem to be hiding from me! I think a lot of this has to do with the circumstances of my birth--which were obviously out of my control! 

I think that is so dumb. Just... dumb! 

I suspect that if I was raised by them, I may have faced the same bias and judgment that you faced as a child. I am very glad I didn't try to make contact with them when I was younger. I would have still known they were being dumb, but I think the rejection would have been painful to me. Now it's just confusing with very little pain, and frankly a little amusing.

[Cynder]

6 hours ago, Jibralta said:

I am adopted. My biological mom was 16 when she had me and my biological dad was 19. I recently (within the last 5 years) discovered their identities and contacted various members of my bio-family, including my bio-parents.

I don't want to make this into a long story, but I am really surprised at how most of them seem to be hiding from me! I think a lot of this has to do with the circumstances of my birth--which were obviously out of my control! 

I think that is so dumb. Just... dumb! 

I suspect that if I was raised by them, I may have faced the same bias and judgment that you faced as a child. I am very glad I didn't try to make contact with them when I was younger. I would have still known they were being dumb, but I think the rejection would have been painful to me. Now it's just confusing with very little pain, and frankly a little amusing.

I have never understood why people blame the kid in those situations.  it makes absolutely no sense at all.  I'm glad you are able to see the amusing elements of it. 

As an adult I see a lot of this as amusing too.  I have an aunt who is really big on posting her whole life on Facebook.  She is friends with our whole family except for me.  And she will write these posts after family gatherings where she will be like, "It is so great to catch up with my family.  I love my sisters *lists all their names* and my brothers *lists all their names* and my nieces and nephews *lists every name but mine.*  And this is mostly because I'm a couple months younger than her son.  And so when I was born her son had to share the spotlight with another baby.  When her son graduated from high school so did I.  So there were two graduations to celebrate instead of just one, etc.  There were all these milestones that happened around that same time for my cousin and I.  And rather than just accept that like an adult she has chosen to just hate me.  I think that's hilarious.  And the fact that she's so passive aggressive about it just makes it funnier. 

My ex husband was adopted, but his circumstances were different.  I will explain it in the simplest way possible.  His parents were Richard and Ginger.  They split up really soon after having him.  (His name was Adam.)  Well then Ginger gets with Allen and they get married.  And they are married for a long time.  They split up when Adam is 12.  And I'm not sure how this all transpired, but Adam ended up living with and adopted by Allen and his second wife Alicia.  And he lived with them until he was 18.  But he was still in contact with Ginger, who by this time was married to a new guy named Dennis.  So, Adam had three dads.  His bio dad, his adopted dad, and later his step dad.  And he also had two Moms.  His bio mom and his adopted mom. 

He also had two half siblings, Jason and Amy.  They were Richard's from a previous marriage.  Well, during the time when we were married, Adam got in contact with Jason and Amy.  Amy and her husband were really friendly and we hung out with them a few times.  Jason was really nasty to Adam, though.  I didn't understand that.  Like, there is no reason to be pissed off at your porringer half brother just because your dad moved on and married someone else after splitting up with your Mom. 

His step Dad, Dennis, is really nice.  He is the only one I still talk to occasionally from that whole family.  We are friends on Facebook and once in a while he checks in with me to see how I'm doing.  Adam's whole family pretty much hates me bow because they think it's my fault he killed himself.  I mean, I can see wanted to have a scapegoat in that situation.  I was one of the last people he talked to.  If having someone to blame makes it easier to process their grief than fine.  They can blame me all they want.  I know it's not right but I can't change what they think. 

I have wondered what my life would have been like if my Mom would have given me up for adoption.  People who adopt want children.  So I would have never been told I was an accident who ruined multiple lives, etc.  I wouldn't have all these older family members who think I'm scum. My parents used to tell me my life could have been worse, they could have given me up.  Well, honestly, if they would have given me up I don't think things would have been worse for me.  They also used to threaten to put me in foster care a lot.  That could go either way.  It depends on who they put you with.  Foster parents are like any other parents.  Some are loving, some aren't. 

I stayed with my Aunt and Uncle in Indiana for a summer when I was a preteen.  And I loved it there and didn't want to go home.  When I went home though I heard my parents talk about how it was so nice not having me around all summer.  By this point my other three siblings were born.  So it's not like they had a whole summer where they just got to relax and not have to worry about watching a kid.  They still had kids to take care of.

I also was threatened with bootcamp when I was a teenager.  They would say they were going to send me to one of those bootcamps for bad kids.  I'm sure those operations will take anyone who's parents can pay.  But to me it seemed so ridiculous.  Places like that exist for kids who are always in trouble with the law, etc.  I was an honor student, a virgin, had never done a drug in my life and everything I did revolved around school and chores.  I just dressed weird and liked things they didn't like.  Sending me to bootcamp would have done nothing but traumatize me and cost them a lot of money. 

Anyway...  I'm rambling. 

 

[Cynder]

I eat healthy 95% of the time... but once in a while I get a craving for something bad.  Lately I had really been craving pizza rolls.  So I went and got some.  And they weren't even that good.  Meh...

[Cynder]

Something that has been on my mind here lately... since my last Al Anon meeting, is the way drunks can completely reinvent reality.  I know lot's of people can do this without alcohol even being involved.  But I've seen it a lot in my life when alcohol was involved. 

My Mom was drug off her face one night when her and my step dad threw a party.  Her and her two female friends drank a whole bottle of peach schnapps.  And when she realized it was empty and they couldn't mix another round of fuzzy navels, she was furious with me.  Why?  Because she was convinced I drank it all.  I was 15 at the time and dead sober.  Like... if my 15 year old ass drank a whole bottle of schnapps I think it would be pretty obvious.  And then add to that the fact that I hadn't been alone at one point that night where I could have drank it without being seen. 

The Shining was on once and my dad and I were the only ones awake.  Neither of us were really watching the movie.  He was reading the paper and I was drawing.  But it was on in the background and I was listening to it.  Well there's a part in the movie where Danny says to his Dad, "Dad, you would never hurt me and Mom, would you?"  My dad flipped out after he said that because he thought I said it.  He was just going off yelling at me over asking him that question.  I kept trying to tell him it was the TV.  And ok... I didn't even need to ask a question like that because I knew he would have hurt us.  I had already seen him hurt my Mom and he had beat on me how many times by that point? 

My grandpa was a drinker.  I don't know if he was really an alcoholic.  But he drank a lot.  And once night he was drunk and my sister and I were both eating apples outside on the porch.  He got pissed at me and said I took my sister's apple away from her, which I didn't do.  She just finished hers faster. 

Having things like this happen all throughout my childhood caused me to question reality so much that I still do it as an adult.  Back in February when I hurt my back and Z was all pissed off at me because she thought I did something to a painting that I don't even have access to really scared me.  Like this genuinely creeped me out.  Her voice is so deep.  My dad also had a really deep voice and when he would get mad it just got deeper.  She's all pissed off saying I did something to her painting.  She's asking me "What the hell did you do to that painting?"  Ok... I don't know where the painting physically is to do something to it.  How could I have done something to it? 

Idk...  people say long term alcoholism causes dementia.  I definitely see that. 

 

[Cynder]

.................................................

[Cynder]

Idk why I keep thinking about this...  But my Dad used to blame me for him and my Mom's bedroom problems.  I remember more than one conversation where he said, "I can't even make it with my woman because we might have another kid like you."  Even at 12 I knew how ridiculous he was being.  I'm not stopping you from "making it" with Mom, you dumb*ss. 

I know I've talked about the morning before he went to get a vasectomy.  He's sitting there at the kitchen table telling me he has to have this done because of me.  And I hope I'm happy for making him go through this.  I even called him out on it a few days after he had it done.  He's talking about how he had to go have his "nuts cut" so they didn't have any more bad kids like me.  And I said something about how I didn't ask for them to have me.  He told me to watch my smart mouth or else he'll slap it. 

Sex was just a we4ird thing in my house.  My parents did it very loudly in the living room while us kids were all upstairs awake in our rooms and could hear everything.  I found really nasty pictures of my parents once, they were just sitting on the bathroom counter. 

My dad came up into my room more than once and said, "Hey me and your Mom are going to be making it downstairs, so stay up here." 

He used to leave porn in the VCR all the time too. 

When they split up he was pissed at my Mom over having a vasectomy.  I remember overhearing an argument once where he said now he can't have kids with anyone else thanks to her and he hopes she's happy for ruining him.  Thank Gods he couldn't have any more kids.  That's all I can say. 

[Cynder]

I really wish people knew there was a difference between Al Anon and AA.  When I first started going to meetings I wasn't shy about telling people.  But now I don't even tell anyone because they just assume I'm an alcoholic. 

[Cynder]

Leaving for cross country trip in less than two weeks.  I'm trying so hard to crank out 5 originals for Pride.  So far I have 2 that are almost finished, and three that are in their beginning stages. 

I decided I can't go to Aerial today.  It wasn't an easy decision.  But earlier this week I was trying to avoid stepping on Caramel (L's cat) and while trying so hard not to injure him, I injured myself.  I fells and busted my ass pretty bad on the stairs.  I have a bump on my head that is finally going away.  I scraped up my knuckles on my right hand.  My right leg is still all bruised up.  And I hurt my lower back.  So, I am skipping Aerial today more out of safety concerns than anything else.  Aerial Yoga is so demanding on the lower back.  I am still recovering.  I don't want to risk hurting myself, especially right before this trip.  I'm sad though... because I look forward to it all week long. 

I am trying lately to not be so hard on myself.  I have been trying to improve myself since my mid twenties.  I don't feel like I've improved much.  I feel like if I ever get there I will die soon after. 

I walk through my house every day and think, "God, you need to clean more you slob."  I get on myself about not eating healthy enough, too.  But it's not like I sit around eating whole tubs of Ben & Jerry's and cheeseburgers and fries all day.  I eat better than most people. 

There are a lot of health/hygiene habits that I kinda just let go in the last year.  It's not like I walk around dirty and don't bathe or anything.  But I used to use mouthwash every day.  I used to put lotion on every time I get out of the shower.  I used to use moisturizer every night before bed on my face.  Etc...  But in the last year I've been letting that stuff go, because I just think, no one is going to be touching my body, so why bother making my skin soft.  No one is going to get close enough to me to smell my breath, so why bother with the mouthwash?  It's not like I'm gonna be smooching with anyone any time soon.  But lately I've started doing those things again jsut for myself. 

That's another thing I'm trying to unlearn.  I was taught that I am constantly supposed to be doing for other people and never do anything just for myself.  That was something that was really driven home when I was a kid.  And my parents really made it seem like they were selfless parents.  I heard so much, "Well there's thing I like too, but I don't get to do those things because I have you to take care of.  So you shouldn't get to do things you like either!"  And as a kid that made me feel really guilty.  But looking back not so much.  Because how many times did I hear "We can't afford this or that because we have you."  But they always had money for booze and blow.  There was always alcohol in our house.  Beer runs were a daily thing in our house.  And coke isn't cheap.  So now every time I think about them saying, "Well we can't do this thing we want to do because we don't have the money, because we have you."  I just wonder how much more they could have afforded if they would have no drank and did drugs. 

I wonder how much money I've saved since I stopped drinking on a practically daily basis.  When Z was around I rarely got drunk.  But I did drink every day when we were together.  It was usually only one or two, but I still drank.  A lot of times I would fill a glass with Bubbly carbonated water and then add Crown Royal and a little bit of lime juice.  She asked me why I drink these lame ass drinks.  The answer was simple.  Mixing crown a pop was just too high in calories and too unhealthy.  We would go out and I would get whiskey sours but ask them to make it with carbonated water instead of 7up. People thought I was so weird for doing that.  But I'm already overweight.  Do you want me to blow up like a balloon?  

It's coming up on a year.  I still cry over her.  I really thought by now I would be a lot further along in the grieving process.  I know it's awful but I want her to message me again just so I can ignore her.  She absolutely can no handle not being paid attention to.  I know that's sadistic on my part and it's not healthy.  But she has caused me so much suffering.  I want to just ignore her and watch her ass suffer. 

From what I've heard she's unemployed and living with her Mom... and doing a lot of drugs.  It's so f*cking sad.  She ruined both our lives when she left.  I am trying to better myself.  But what have I done?  I don't drink anymore and I took up yoga?  Wowey.  I will still never trust anyone again.  I will never love anyone again.  People say "Oh everyone says that when they are broken heated."  Yea but I've been out of that relationship for almost a year.  I just can't. 

After someone who claimed to be so in love with me disappearing on me for a year when I was in my early 20s... and then showing back up and expecting to just go on like nothing happened... and he was in another relationship for that year, also.  Then a good friend of mine confessing his love, and me falling for him too, only to ghost me.  Then an ex husband who couldn't stop screwing around... and even screwed around with one of my friends...  And then Aaron, who was awesome and in my life for a long time until he decided to dump me for someone else, and the D... who dumped me for one of my friends... and then Z...  who the hell in my shoes would ever trust anyone again.  And I hate when people say, "Oh well you're just choosing the wrong people."  Well uh the thing is, I'm not a psychic.  If I knew how any of these relationships were going toe nd I wouldn't have chosen those people. 

 

[Cynder]

Ok...  I really would like to know why my posts in this thread are all hidden lately until someone approves them.  Is my online pretense really that upsetting to people? 

[kamurj]

7 minutes ago, Cynder said:

Ok...  I really would like to know why my posts in this thread are all hidden lately until someone approves them.  Is my online pretense really that upsetting to people? 

Please check this topic 

 

[Jibralta]

31 minutes ago, Cynder said:

I feel like if I ever get there I will die soon after. 

I used to have that feeling a lot!! I think it happens when you confront your anxiety head on. 

31 minutes ago, Cynder said:

I have been trying to improve myself since my mid twenties.  I don't feel like I've improved much.

You probably have. Unfortunately, the aging process robs you as you go lol. But if you could compare this 'you' with another 'you' from a parallel universe where you never focused on self improvement, you'd probably see enormous differences. 

 

[Cynder]

9 hours ago, kamurj said:

Please check this topic 

 

Does posting a link to a YouTube video count as a picture?  Because I've been doing that for months. 

[kamurj]

34 minutes ago, Cynder said:

Does posting a link to a YouTube video count as a picture?  Because I've been doing that for months. 

Posting any sort of link might trigger mod approval. The issue will be resolved in the next maintenance  update.

[Cynder]

So, since so many people say my fiction is disturbing... I've been on a real disturbing fiction kick lately.  I have no problem at all with my work being called disturbing.  I won it.  I love it.  I'm proud that my work disturbs people.  My art and my writing are such polar opposites, too.  My paintings look like acid trips.  I get asked a lot what kind of drugs I was doing when  I painted them.  (And I'm not kidding, I actually get asked that at festivals all the time.)  My paintings look generally happy uplifting though.  My writing is so dark, though.  And it's sad that I am pulling a lot of inspiration from my real life when I write.  Hey, if I had to live this miserable life, I might as well make it work for me I guess.  I don't know how Z would feel if she knew I made her into a drug dealing, murdering, woman beating sociopath, but I also don't care.  At least I made her that way in a fictional universe and didn't go around town telling people she actually knows that she is that way, like she (kinda) did with me.  No, she didn't tell people I'm a murderer, etc.  But she did tell some pretty nasty lies about me to a lot of people just to make herself the victim.  So screw her.  I bet if I made a million dollars off the novel she inspired she would suddenly be so in love with me and want to work things out.  Then I could laugh in her pretty face right before telling her to go f herself. 

She most likely will never know, though.  There's no way I'm publishing this under my real name.  It's kind of a waste of a name, too, because my legal name is such a cool name.  I love my name, it's one thing my parents nailed. 

My family probably won't know either.  I just don't want people I actually know in real life getting ahold of my stuff and scrutinizing me for it. 

But anyway... I decided to dive in to what a lot of people think is the most disturbing novel ever written, American Psycho. Now I'm nearing the end.  But for like the first three quarters of the book I was just thinking... what's the big deal about this?  So there's some rich yuppie who hangs out with a bunch of other rich yuppies and does a lot of drugs, screws a lot of chicks, and is obsessed with designer clothes.  When am I going to be disturbed?  Then it got to that part with the rat...  And then there is that part with the urinal cake...  Oh boy. I will admit the part with the urinal cake was also kind of funny in a really twisted way, but only because I don't like any of the characters so I didn't really pity anyone. 

I guess it's also disturbing in a sense that none of these characters are likeable people, yet they are the kind of people society looks up to.  I know none of them being likeable was the point.  But it does make a huge statement about what we value in society.  And someone like Bateman could actually exist and get away with killing a lot of people because he could just buy his way out of any consequences. 

Anyway... I need to sleep.  I'm leaving for my cross country toad trip on Monday and I've been stressing about that a little.  So that last two days my sleep hasn't been great. 

[Cynder]

I think I' going to submit this one story I wrote to the NoSleep Podcast.  I need to polish it up a little more, though, and that won't happen until I get back.  This is probably the darkest story I've ever written.  This is the story that had people messaging me on Reddit and about half of them were asking if I am ok and the other half were telling me I'm sick and need professional help.  It starts out dark, but then just gets worse and worse.  So we'll see if I can make some money off my sick mind, lol. 

[catfeeder]

Hello Cynder,

Just a note to comment on your posts to me and Wiseman since the thread isn't allowing replies at the moment. You did all the right things to handle the issue of the guy at your workplace, and I can also understand why you'd hope for him to 'spread the love,' so to speak, during the day shift.

I hope this finds you in safe travels, and your timing is perfect for breaking any connection the guy may have believed that he formed with you.

I'm mid-travels myself at this time, and I think you'll agree that breaks in our usual patterns can be so refreshing and offer such a great perspective when we can put some of the stuff that gets so magnified on a daily basis into hindsight. EnjOy, and I look forward to catching up with you soon.

 

[Cynder]

21 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Hello Cynder,

Just a note to comment on your posts to me and Wiseman since the thread isn't allowing replies at the moment. You did all the right things to handle the issue of the guy at your workplace, and I can also understand why you'd hope for him to 'spread the love,' so to speak, during the day shift.

I hope this finds you in safe travels, and your timing is perfect for breaking any connection the guy may have believed that he formed with you.

I'm mid-travels myself at this time, and I think you'll agree that breaks in our usual patterns can be so refreshing and offer such a great perspective when we can put some of the stuff that gets so magnified on a daily basis into hindsight. EnjOy, and I look forward to catching up with you soon.

 

Thank you for this.  I have been trying to adjust my sleep schedule for vacation since I'm leaving tomorrow.  So I didn't have a chance to text my co worker last night.  But I didn't get a text from her, so I'm guessing he wasn't in there last night.  I haven't heard back from management, but I wasn't expected to either.  At least they've been made aware and it's documented.

I am getting pretty excited about this trip, especially since I found my GoPro.  I plan on timelapsing the whole drive.  I live in the Cleveland area and we are heading out tomorrow morning and driving all the way to northern Cali.  A good friend lives in Montana, we are stopping to see him and his wife.  He grows mushrooms.  So my brother will finally get to do something he's always wanted to do, and trip on mushrooms in the desert. 

I've been to 5 countries in Europe.  But I haven't traveled much in my own country.  I was thinking about taking Amtrak across the country a few years ago but it never happened.  Life got in the way. 

And then when I get back, it's only two weeks until Pride. 

I hope you're having a great trip.  Safe travels. 

I need to go finish cleaning my house so L can trash it when I'm gone, lol. 

 

[Cynder]

It was a year ago today that you kissed me goodbye in the morning, you were all smiles, acting like everything was fine.  Then instead of going to work, you came back here and packed up all your stuff and moved out.  And when I was on my lunch break, I got a text from you that just said, "We're done.  I moved out."  No more explanation was ever given.  And you still can't give me a reason.  You say you don't even know the reason.  I just can't wrap my head around ruining someone's life for no reason.  And I'm not being dramatic, either.  You really did ruin my life.  I hope you're happy with yourself.  I wish I was dead at least 3 times a week.  I leave for work on a regular basis and prey for a car accident.  I know if you saw this you wouldn't give a crap... unless pretending to give a crap benefited you, of course. 

I try to tell myself I dodged a bullet.  You're an alcoholic.  You're unemployed and you live on you're Mom's living room couch. But who is keeping score?  Everyone loves you.  You are drop dead gorgeous.  You have lots of friends. No one ever holds you accountable for the sh*tty way you treat people because you are what society sees as perfect and above reproach.  

All I did was love you.  I didn't lie.  I didn't cheat.  You meant the world to me and I would have done anything for you.  I have absolutely nothing to show for it now.  I have done nothing but inconvenience everyone around me since I was born... and not even by choice.  I ruined multiple lives when I came into the world.  I've been blamed for one person's suicide multiple times by multiple people.  People have blamed me for their mental health issues that they refused to get help for.  My parents pretty much blamed every single thing that went wrong ever on me the whole time I was growing up.  And you have blamed me for everything, too.    You love telling everyone how it was my fault things didn't work out.  But you still can't even give me a reason why.  You can't tell me what I did that was so bad.  When we talk all you do is tell me how much you still love me and how much you regret what you did. 

I feel like everyone I get close to will hate me eventually.  Why can't I just go to sleep one day and never wake up?  I'm tired of being punished for everyone else's mistakes.