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Life On The Rocinante' (After Dark!)


Cynder
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On 3/9/2022 at 1:14 PM, Cynder said:

And I didn't make some big proclamation that I was leaving either.  Instead of standing on a table screaming, "Hey everybody, I'm leaving, beg me to stay, please!"  I just quietly slipped out the back door when no one was looking.  I doubt anyone will even notice.

Awesome.

I quit facebook almost 10 years ago, and l don't think I can adequately express what a major life improvement it has been. An unexpected improvement, I should add. I did worry that I would lose track of people and be out of touch. But that didn't really happen. And I was actually grateful for the few instances in which it did happen... An unexpected bonus! As you say: 

On 3/9/2022 at 1:14 PM, Cynder said:

the more I better myself, the less the assklowns want to be around me.

It literally feels like I breathe cleaner air. Even ten years later I take a nice deep breath of relief when I remember leaving facebook.

On 3/9/2022 at 1:14 PM, Cynder said:

I made a dummy account.

My boyfriend and I opened a dummy account a couple of years ago, but we have no friends on it. I use it for hobbies and he uses it to follow sports and podcasts. This probably sounds weird, but facebook is better when you have no friends. It's still riddled with political clickbait, though. 

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On 3/11/2022 at 2:46 PM, Jibralta said:

Awesome.

I quit facebook almost 10 years ago, and l don't think I can adequately express what a major life improvement it has been. An unexpected improvement, I should add. I did worry that I would lose track of people and be out of touch. But that didn't really happen. And I was actually grateful for the few instances in which it did happen... An unexpected bonus! As you say: 

It literally feels like I breathe cleaner air. Even ten years later I take a nice deep breath of relief when I remember leaving facebook.

My boyfriend and I opened a dummy account a couple of years ago, but we have no friends on it. I use it for hobbies and he uses it to follow sports and podcasts. This probably sounds weird, but facebook is better when you have no friends. It's still riddled with political clickbait, though. 

I wish I could just quit completely. But I agree, it is a lot better with no friends.  I did add a couple of my close friends on the dummy account, and they know it's me.  People I talk to on messenger a lot who I trust and who have absolutely nothing to do with her or her posse.  My friend Chris pointed out the other night (and this is something I knew, but just never really thought of it in these exact terms) that every one of my friends that also became friends with Z is no longer my friend.  And he's right.  Ed and I were friends for 15 years.   Now we aren't.  Joe and I were friends for 5 years.  Now we aren't.  L and I were friends for 20 years.  I wouldn't say we aren't friends anymore, but we are no longer like sisters.  We barely talk and we even live in the same house.  But her and Z sure are tight.  And there are other examples.  Chris calls her a Life Ruiner.   

I have also had two people tell me that her boyfriend is really jealous of me and wants me gone.  One person used the word gone and one person used the word dead.  That's pretty drastic.  I guess I should be more concerned, but I'm not really.  It's pretty sad that this isn't even the first time in my life someone has wanted me dead.  I've also heard he does H.  I really hope not because that means she will probably start.  All I can say is I hope to God that doesn't happen. 

I'm not scared of some supposed junky with jealousy issues. 

If anyone is wondering who the other person was, it's one of my exes.  He's kooKoo for cocopuffs.  And he was the first person I was in a serious relationship with.  I've written about him here before.  His whole family was nuts.  When I ended it with him he had all these plans.  First he was suing me.  He filed bankruptcy when we were together because he bought a 30k vehicle and drove it around for 6 months and didn't make any payments.  So they repoed it.  It was sold at an auction for really cheap and he was responsible for the difference.  Well, somehow he thought I should have to pay it.  So he want around telling everyone he was planning on suing me.  He also planned on pressing charges on me for prostitution because in the time we were together he spent money on our relationship.  he couldn't seem to understand there is a difference between spending money on dates and stuff when you're in a relationship and prostitution.  He was also going to get two of my friends busted for possession because they have weed in their house. 

Well when all this fell through he just was going to hire someone to kill me. 

I eventually had to get a no contact order against him. 

Idk... I have never hated anyone that much in my life.  I've never thought "Wow, I really want this person dead."  Not even the person who sexually abused me. 

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10 minutes ago, Cynder said:

every one of my friends that also became friends with Z is no longer my friend.  And he's right.  Ed and I were friends for 15 years.   Now we aren't.  Joe and I were friends for 5 years.  Now we aren't.  L and I were friends for 20 years.  I wouldn't say we aren't friends anymore, but we are no longer like sisters.  We barely talk and we even live in the same house.

I have a strong suspicion that all of these people are undercover assklowns.

14 minutes ago, Cynder said:

Chris calls her a Life Ruiner.   

Life Ruiner... or Assklown Remover? I say Assklown Remover. Let them have each other!

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43 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

I have a strong suspicion that all of these people are undercover assklowns.

Life Ruiner... or Assklown Remover? I say Assklown Remover. Let them have each other!

I think out of them all the biggest assklown is L, actually.  That might be surprising.  But I've known her a long time and I've seen her do some pretty sketchy things.  She cheated on K's Dad multiple times.  She's screwed the SOs of some of her friends.  (And no I am not convinced I'm immune to any of that.  I have my suspicions about her and my ex husband as well as her and D.)  She's definitely not the greatest parent.  She's violent.  She's entitled.  She's a liar.  She's not a great pet owner either.  And she's a bigot.  She actually tells people that the swastika tattoos on her arms are because she's proud of her German heritage.  Really?  I would love to see her go to Germany and start telling people that. 

Ed... he's definitely an assklown, but he's got a lot of mental problems.  Not saying mental illness is an excuse.  I still can't figure out what happened there.  I don't know if he was having a manic episode or what when he just decided to start hating me.  I did notice though before I left Facebook that he is no longer friends with Z on there.  So maybe they aren't friends anymore, idk. 

Out of the three, the least assklownish is Joe.  Never had an issue with him other than when he's drunk he gets a little too flirty.  But that's only happened a couple times.  Still no idea where that went wrong either.  Him and Z started talking a lot, and then one day he just blocked me. 

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I was just downstairs in the bathroom thinking about how I can't paint anymore like I used to, and thinking about how depressed I am, even seven months after she left me.  And I seriously wondered if this is how it would be for the rest of my life. 

I was never still this depressed 7 months after the end of any other relationship, even my marriage.  She actually made me feel like a priority in her life and not a chore.  She never made me feel like a second choice or a last resort.  She never made me feel ugly.  And she is the only person who made me feel seen.  That last one is a hard concept to explain.  In all my past relationships and in my family growing up I felt invisible a lot.  I never felt that way with her.  She's the only person I've ever been able to sit up all night talking to and never once have the conversation go stale.  She is the only person I've ever dated who actually support my work.  There were times when I would finish a painting and she would post it on Facebook and brag about how talented her girlfriend is, etc.  And she inspired me creatively like no one else ever has.  These are the reasons... This is what sets her apart from everyone else I've been with.  I will probably never find all these things in anyone else.  So any attempt I make at any relationship after this will just feel watered down.  And it wouldn't be fair to the other person so always be holding her up on a pedestal.  I've been in that position... with someone who constantly idealized some ex.  I won't do that to anyone. 

She has shown herself to be mentally unstable and even toxic.  Yet I still love her.  If she came knocking on my door tomorrow and wanted a second chance I would probably give it to her.  And I even realize how stupid that would be.  No one has ever had this kind of hold over me.  And she knows she has it.  She might always have it. 

 

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10 hours ago, Cynder said:

She cheated on K's Dad multiple times.  She's screwed the SOs of some of her friends.  (And no I am not convinced I'm immune to any of that.  I have my suspicions about her and my ex husband as well as her and D.)

I had a roommate like that. She was cool on a lot of levels, but had this really stupid side to her. She thought that she could make herself impressive by sleeping with a lot of guys, cheating on ger boyfriends, and stealing other girls' boyfriends.

It wasn't impressive though. It just made her look insecure. It was like watching someone give a presentation with their fly open. You feel like you should say something, but that might make things worse... so you just sort of sit there and feel bad for them. 

She also thought she was a badass because she dressed the part and listened to the music. Sometimes people looked at her and believed her. So, she believed herself even more. But she learned how much of a badass she wasn't when she tried to go up against me one day lol.

What a fond memory that is! It was our last year living together, and our friendship had run its course--I don't remember exactly why. But this one day, the last day she ever came back to our apartment, we continued the argument. She must have really been feeling her oats because she puffed up and acted like she was going to rush me. I perked right up, like Oh really? Let's see how far I can throw you into the next room. There wasn't even a standoff. She backed right down and slithered out of the apartment. I was a little disappointed because honestly I think she could have benefitted from a good ass-kicking. 

1 hour ago, Cynder said:

Yesterday L bought a pet scorpion.  It has already escaped from the cage. So now there's a scorpion loose I'm my house.

My sister is afraid of insects and arachnids. When we were kids, she used to summon me or my mom into the room to remove them for her. I caught and released them; my mom killed them.

My sister moved down south about 15 years ago. During her first week in her new house, she called my mom and said, "Mom, there's a huge bug on the wall. I have no idea what this is. I took a picture but I can't send it until tomorrow. I know you can't come down and remove it for me, but can you stay on the phone with me while I do it?" My mom agreed. 

My sister put down the phone, grabbed a wad of paper towels, and dispatched the bug. On our side of the line, my mom and I my heard sister repeating, "ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew!" Finally, she picked the phone back up and said, "It's done. I'll send the picture to Jibralta tomorrow." (I am the family wildlife expert). 

The next day, she emailed me the photo with the subject line "bug." Imagine my surprise when a sizable scorpion popped up on my screen! This thing was at least 3 inches long and my unwitting, scaredy-cat sister just went up and killed it with a bunch of paper towels lol! The next year, she was apparently charged by a scorpion in her kitchen. She said it rushed at her with its claws up haha. She actually tried to catch it under a glass, but ended up killing it accidentally.

Anyway, if you live in a cold area, the scorpion may go into hibernation and stay out of sight.

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47 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

I had a roommate like that. She was cool on a lot of levels, but had this really stupid side to her. She thought that she could make herself impressive by sleeping with a lot of guys, cheating on ger boyfriends, and stealing other girls' boyfriends.

It wasn't impressive though. It just made her look insecure. It was like watching someone give a presentation with their fly open. You feel like you should say something, but that might make things worse... so you just sort of sit there and feel bad for them. 

She also thought she was a badass because she dressed the part and listened to the music. Sometimes people looked at her and believed her. So, she believed herself even more. But she learned how much of a badass she wasn't when she tried to go up against me one day lol.

What a fond memory that is! It was our last year living together, and our friendship had run its course--I don't remember exactly why. But this one day, the last day she ever came back to our apartment, we continued the argument. She must have really been feeling her oats because she puffed up and acted like she was going to rush me. I perked right up, like Oh really? Let's see how far I can throw you into the next room. There wasn't even a standoff. She backed right down and slithered out of the apartment. I was a little disappointed because honestly I think she could have benefitted from a good ass-kicking. 

My sister is afraid of insects and arachnids. When we were kids, she used to summon me or my mom into the room to remove them for her. I caught and released them; my mom killed them.

My sister moved down south about 15 years ago. During her first week in her new house, she called my mom and said, "Mom, there's a huge bug on the wall. I have no idea what this is. I took a picture but I can't send it until tomorrow. I know you can't come down and remove it for me, but can you stay on the phone with me while I do it?" My mom agreed. 

My sister put down the phone, grabbed a wad of paper towels, and dispatched the bug. On our side of the line, my mom and I my heard sister repeating, "ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew!" Finally, she picked the phone back up and said, "It's done. I'll send the picture to Jibralta tomorrow." (I am the family wildlife expert). 

The next day, she emailed me the photo with the subject line "bug." Imagine my surprise when a sizable scorpion popped up on my screen! This thing was at least 3 inches long and my unwitting, scaredy-cat sister just went up and killed it with a bunch of paper towels lol! The next year, she was apparently charged by a scorpion in her kitchen. She said it rushed at her with its claws up haha. She actually tried to catch it under a glass, but ended up killing it accidentally.

Anyway, if you live in a cold area, the scorpion may go into hibernation and stay out of sight.

I live in Ohio (Cleveland area.)  The weather fluctuates here a lot but right now it's really cold here. (lower 20s.)  

Most bugs don't bother me at all.  The one thing I can't stand is roaches.  I've never lived anywhere that had them and I hope to Gods I never do. 

I think it's funny, L will go on and on and on about her arachnophobia.  She HATES all arachnids.  Obviously she doesn't know scorpions are arachnids.  The fact that it's loose in the house only really bothers me because it still has it's stinger.  I don't want to be walking down the stairs in my bare feet and find out what a scorpion sting feels like.  And I don't want it stinging K or any of the cats either. 

L sounds a lot like your former roommate.  She really thinks she's bad.  And she has to be the center of attention at all times or else she will start acting dramatic and histrionic until everyone pays attention to her.  And she throws money around to impress people.  She will spend a lot of money buying people's affection/friendship.  Yet she can't stand seeing anyone else spend money on themself.

When I bought myself a new laptop after my old one took a crap on me, she threw a fit.  When I got my last tattoo she threw a fit.  When I bought Tool tickets, she threw a fit.  I'm getting another Tattoo wednesday night.  I haven't told her.  But eventually she will see it and throw a fit, lol.  She is all tatted up too.  But most of her tattoos were done by scratchers for free because she was screwing them.  For those not in the know... a scratcher is a crappy tattoo artist.  Think of the guy who bought his tattoo kit off amazon and has had no real training.  And his tattoos art dirt cheap and he does them in his garage or kitchen.  That's a scratcher.  She is insecure about how bad her tattoos look.  I only go to good artists and I pay good money for my ink.  So, as expected, all my tattoos are really well done and really beautiful.  The artist who is doing the one on Wednesday is already booked up until 2023.  I made the appt with her in May I think.  She is really good, so she's really sought after.  So, it takes forever to get in to see her.  When I'm there Wednesday night I will probably make an appt for  the next time she's available to get this other one I want.  

But anyway...

During the time Z and I were together she made a big show out of buying really expensive gifts for Z, just because.  Like, no apparent reason, here's something I spent $175 on for you.  Meanwhile we've known each other 20 years and she's never even bothered to take me out for a drink or something on my birthday.  She also goes to the strip club a lot and buys expensive gifts for strippers. 

I've actually known some strippers.  They don't like getting gifts from customers.  They are doing it for the money, not so customers will buy them stuff.  And she's straight.  She's not trying to start relationships with these girls.  It's all just so she can walk into the club and have attention lavished on her. 

And she's so inconsistent with everything.  When Z was in her early 20s she drunkenly hooked up with a 17 year old.  Ok... yes it's illegal but it's surprisingly common.  When I was in high school a lot of girls my age were dating guys in their 20s.  My own parents... my Mom was 17 and my Dad was almost 30 when they started dating.  Well, after Z left, L went off on me a couple times about how I knowingly brought a child molester into this house and how I never told her there was a child molester around her son.  This was something she just didn't back down on AT ALL.  I'm such a monster.  I knowingly dated a child molester.  Whatever... that's not molestation. 

Well, this guy that Z is with now has kids.  And L is just so happy for them.  They make such a cute couple.  Etc.  Ok... ?  Well, what happened to Z being a child molester?  Aren't you worried about the safety of this dude's kids?  Of course not when it doesn't get you all kinds of attention and start all kinds of drama.  When you can scream and cry and cuss at me about bringing a child molester around your son then it's a HUGE deal. 

I think this whole thing has to do with why Ed suddenly started hating me.  Because when Ed was going off on me in messages he kept saying stuff about how I'm a joke to real sexual abuse victims, etc.  Stuff like, "You claim to be a victim but you perpetuate the abuse!"  I wonder if that's what all that was about.  I don't know exactly when him and L had their falling out.  But him and L were pretty much having an emotional affair for a long time and that was still going on when Z and I split up.  I bet L told him I brought a child molester around her kid.  Idk though...  Ed and Z stayed pretty tight for a while after that so maybe not.  Who knows, honestly.  This whole group of people is borderline nuts in my opinion.  And yea, I know I'm a little nuts too.  But I'm the only one who seems to want to do anything about my issues. 

Anyways...  I'm gonna go try to take a nap.  Only got a few hours of sleep and have to work tonight. 

 

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Hello Cynder,

Just a note to tell you I've been thinking of you. I haven't seen a post from you on the boards for a while, so I've tracked you down here, hah!

I want you to know that I care about you, and I hope you're doing okay.

(((BIG HUG!))),
Cat

 

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On 3/14/2022 at 6:51 PM, catfeeder said:

Hello Cynder,

Just a note to tell you I've been thinking of you. I haven't seen a post from you on the boards for a while, so I've tracked you down here, hah!

I want you to know that I care about you, and I hope you're doing okay.

(((BIG HUG!))),
Cat

 

Hiya Cat,

Thank you for thinking of me.  Idk how much you read In this thread, but I just decided to remove myself from the equation as much as possible as far as my ex is concerned.  That's why I haven't posted on the main Forum. There's nothing to post about.  

The more I disengage with these people the better I feel.  I've just been taking more and more steps away.  First I uninstaller Facebook on my phone.  Then I logged out of my main account on my computer and logged into my dummy account.  I followed all the artists I like to keep up with and added a few close friends on that account.  And blocked my ex and everyone remotely associated with her.  This includes people i don’t even have issues with.  Her mom and her siblings are all awesome people.  But they are all blocked for my peace of mind.

Then that night at work I panicked a little when I realized she can still contact me on messenger.  So I went on a blocking spree on messenger.  I even blocked L. (My roommate... her and my ex are suddenly buds.)

Tonight I took it even one step further and made it so no one can see me when I'm on messenger.  

For a long time, just opening up Facebook made my stomach knot up.  And just hearing that ding sound messenger makes made me dread looking at my phone. Doing all these things has been so liberating.  Like I'm taking back control. 

Now though... I still plan on posting any finished artwork to my main facebook account.  I don't want to go on my main account.  It's just too anxiety inducing.  So my plan is to ask a good friend of mine, Jen, to make those posts for me.  I can only think of a few ppl I would trust with my login info.  Getting into someone's Facebook account is a pretty intimate thing.  My brother, Jen, and my other friend Kory are the only ppl i would trust to do that.  My brother is anti Facebook.  Kory is really busy.  Jen is happy to do it.  I will just send her the painting, tell her what I want to say about it, and then she can post it. I even thought about asking her to change my password for me and essentially lock me out of my own acct until I'm ready to go back on. 

I've also been doing a lot of research about BPD.  My therapist and even a few of my friends who are well versed on the subject think Z has it.  And the more research I do the more it seems accurate.  I'm not saying any of that excuses her.  But knowing why people with BPD do the things they do helps me feel a little more validated.  One thing I've really struggled with through all of this is the feeling of not being heard/seen. She has so many people charmed that I just automatically became the villain.  A lot of people took her side and weren't even interested in my side.  Oddly enough unplugging from Facebook has made me feel nore seen and heard than I have since she left.     

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2 hours ago, Cynder said:

Oddly enough unplugging from Facebook has made me feel nore seen and heard than I have since she left.     

Seems counterintuitive, right? Facebook supposedly "connects" you to people, but I think what it really does is connect egos to egos. It's an ego-battle arena. That's the opposite of connection, in my opinion.

I remember when I shut my account down in 2013. It was so fricking difficult to do. First of all, I actually had to google the process because Facebook didn't tell you how to do it.

Then when I finally figured out how to do it, Facebook actually imposed a 2-week waiting period on me! I sht you not. They said they were putting my account "on hold" for two weeks, and if I logged in during that time period, it would cancel my cancellation!!!!

THEN I had to click through two or three screens that said, "Are you sure you want to cancel? So-and-so will miss you," and they showed 10 or 20 profile pics of my facebook friends!!!!! I was like, Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes.... Craziness. 

It's a frickin trap.

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So... one day when I write the book about my life that so many people have been telling me I should write, There will have to be a chapter dedicated to nights like last night.  Last night was just bizarre and weird and unsettling in a lot of ways.  I can't write about it right now because I have to go to sleep and be up kinda earl.y (3pm, lol) for my tattoo later.  But stay tuned.  It's coming.  Teasers: Suage, Hit and Run, Creepy Shoes, Xanax. 

 

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Oh my... I just got THE BEST idea for a short story, ever.  Now it's going to be really hard to fall asleep because I just can't stop brainstorming and writing ideas down.  Holy hell I love it when inspiration strikes. 

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16 hours ago, Cynder said:

One thing I've really struggled with through all of this is the feeling of not being heard/seen. She has so many people charmed that I just automatically became the villain.  A lot of people took her side and weren't even interested in my side.  Oddly enough unplugging from Facebook has made me feel nore seen and heard than I have since she left.     

Hello Cynder, thanks for the update, and I'm so glad you're looking out for yourself and taking smart measures to protect your privacy and your focus.

I understand your points above. It can be an uncomfortable shift to learn the power of invisibility, yet it's one of the most important and relaxing and life changing practices I only wish I could have learned earlier in my life.

This life skill isn't one that most people have the inclination to learn. It usually comes about after a falling out that prompts one to clear an address book and climb away from a pit of perpetual adolescence into some actual joys of maturity. 

Being seen and heard is only valuable if it's not wasted on the wrong people. So don't cast your pearls--save your energy, recharge, and trust that you are growing into some self discovery of your gifts that can only happen outside of the limelight.

Head high, and trust your Self.

 

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14 hours ago, Cynder said:

Oh my... I just got THE BEST idea for a short story, ever.  Now it's going to be really hard to fall asleep because I just can't stop brainstorming and writing ideas down.  Holy hell I love it when inspiration strikes. 

Oh, yAy! So happy you are tapping into your well of creativity. 

To avoid restless sleep during creative flows, consider instructing yourself before sleep to 'background process' so your body and mind can rest. Trust that you will remember anything you need on awakening. Keep a notebook nearby. If you draw a blank next day, trust this to mean that your inner work is still in progress, and it will come to you when ready.

EnjOy!

Edited by catfeeder
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Posted (edited)

So, I gave myself permission to not paint for 7 days.  I get in this trap of thinking, Ok, I got three hours before I have to leave for work.  I need to paint.  And then I try, and it just doesn't happen.  And then I scold myself and think what a lazy ass I am because I didn't paint.  Ok... so I'm not doing that for 7 days.  For 7 days I just won't paint anything.  It's like recharging a battery. 

And I also started a little creative side project.  Ok, I'm weird when it comes to sensory stuff.  I love watching Oddly Satisfying compilations on Youtube.  I also love ASMR videos.  I like watching stuff like the Hydraulic Press Channel.  Stuff like that is just so relaxing.  It's been suggested that I'm on the spectrum.  And I probably am.  But I'm not going to go seek out a diagnosis now.  I've been functioning just fine being on the spectrum for all my life.  So I don't really know if anything could be done for me now that I haven't already learned on my own.  I just wish stuff like this would have been accessible when I was a kid. 

But, kind of in the same category are Liminal Space photos/videos.  This is a newish thing online.  A lot of people find these pics unsettling and eerie.  But I find them comforting.  My favorite ones are the ones with checkered floors and the ones that look like they are straight from the 90s with bright colored carpet, etc.  And I was actually taking these kinds of photos before this became a movement.  I have pictures I took in high school that would qualify as Liminal Space photos.  Basically the best way to explain it is they are photos of empty spaces that evoke certain emotional reactions.  Like, nostalgia, unease, familiarity.  It's like, "Hey I feel like I know that place... but it's also kinda creepy."  

So, lately I've been taking a lot of these photos with my phone.  I've taken tons of them at work.  A health club late at night has all kinds of empty hallways, the empty locker rooms, etc.  And also the area surrounding the club.  It's in a pretty well traveled part of town., even at night.  But I've gotten some creepy as hell photos outside the club at like 3AM. 

So, I made an Instagram account just for my Liminal Space photos.  So far it only has 1 follower, lol.  But I don't really care about that.  This is just something fun I am doing just for the fun.  I really want to go somewhere an take more photos like this with my good camera. 

I still haven't posted about the other night yet in detail.  But I got one of the creepiest photos I've ever taken, everyone I've showed it to said it's creepy AF.  And that photo inspired what might turn into one of the best stories I will ever write. 

It's been a week since I unplugged.  I wish I would have done this sooner. 

My tattoo that I got today looks amazing.  On the way home from the tattoo shop we passed the gas station where Z works.  I just kind of laughed to myself.  Thinking, go ahead and spend all your money on booze and have fun working a job you hate.  I just got a beautiful tattoo and I'm healing more and more every day without you in my life.  Thanks for the stories you inspired.  Good luck with your new man.  When you come crying to me about how mean he is to you (you know... like you cried to so many people about me.) I will likely tell you to get f'd if I even respond at all.  Have fun drinking yourself to death and playing with your damn nunchucks.  Nobody's impressed.  Toodles. 

Ok, I didn't think all of that word for word, but that's basically what I was thinking when we drove by.  Like, she's in there living her miserable life.  My life is just getting better every day. 

This is one of my favorite LS photos.

 

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Edited by Cynder
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This weekend has been almost a complete waste for me.  I've spent most of it asleep.  I just haven't had any energy at all or motivation to do anything.  Today I did spent about an hour cleaning.  And that took away all the energy I had.  I do worry a little about this level of fatigue.  It's not normal. 

My LS Instagram is getting more followers.  Watch this one blow up, lol.  My regular artist account has about a thousand followers and it's been right around that for years. 

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5 hours ago, Jibralta said:

I don't know about you, but daylight savings really kicked the crap out of me this week. 

Yea, it messed with me a lot, too.  I've been really tired all week.  Working at night probably doesn't help either. 

I woke up today feeling really good, then I ate and there went all my energy. 

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So, back In September when L and I got into it and I went to a hotel for the night...  The first place I called and made a reservation was the Days Inn.  I made my reservation over the phone, paid with my debit card, no problems at all.  I got up there, took like 3 steps into the lobby and the front desk lady took one look at me and said, "We don't rent to locals here.  Go to the Super 8."  Then she turned around and started walking away. 

I told her I already paid for my room.  And she said something like "Well sorry, I don't know what to tell you." 

I said, "How do you even know I'm a local?"  And she said very rudely, "You showed up in a local taxi." 

That doesn't make any sense.  People from out of town take taxis all the time.  If anything I would think showing up in a tax would have made me look more like someone from out of town.

I made one more attempt.  I said, "I already paid.  I have confirmation number and everything.  Can I please just stay here?"

She just turned around and walked into a room back behind the desk. 

So I sat down and called the cab company for anything ride.  Well they were really busy and so it took a couple tries to get through.  A few minutes went by and she came back out and told me "You can't just sit here.  You need to leave." 

I got kinda snarky with her this time.  I told her I was trying to call for a ride. 

I ended up staying at the Quality Inn that night. 

I called corporate the next day and got my money back.  It didn't even occur to me at the time to say anything about the way I was treated because I figured if that's their policy and they don't rent to locals I can't do anything about it. 

Ok so... last night I was at work and my co worker was telling me why he called off the night before.  He said he was taking care of his friend.  His friend was off his face on Acid and a cocktail of other drugs and he was freaking out and his wife kicked him out of the house for the night.  So my coworker came and got him and took him to the Days Inn for the night where they happily rented a room to him. 

I stopped into the back room at work and called them.  I said, "Hey I have a question.  Do you rent to locals?"  I was told, "Oh yea, locals stay here all the time.  Do you want to make a reservation?" 

Oh boy... I was livid.  I told her, "Wow that's pretty funny."

She asked why and I told her what happened.  I said, "So you'll turn someone away when they're in a domestic situation and don't feel safe at home but you'll rent to some dude who's high and flipping out?  How does that make any sense?"

She was like, "Well you must be on our do not rent list.  We have a handful of people who are banned from here." 

I said, "I've never stayed there in my life.  There's no way I would be on that list." 

She's like, "Well I'm sorry that happened."

I told her I would be calling corporate tomorrow (today.)  And I just did call corporate.  I told this lady at corporate that I know it doesn't make sense that I'm calling now to complain because this happened months ago but I', calling now because I just now found out that I was lied to.  And then she's like, "Well why are you calling us now if this happened back in the fall?"  I repeated myself again and said because last night my co worker told me that his friend who was high and freaking out (and a local) was able to rent there over the weekend, but someone who was completely sober and already paid for a room was turned away because I'm a "local." 

I know nothing is going to come of this.  The most corporate will do is offer me a free voucher for one night there.  I have no desire to stay there or patronize them in any way after the way I was treated.  If that B who was working the front desk that night still works there I hope her ass gets in trouble. 

And on a sidenote,. I've actually kept my new tattoo hidden when I've been home so L won't see it.  Last time I got tattooed that was part of what sparked the incident that made me need to go to a hotel in the first place. 

K does this thing where he pretends to be a monster and starts hitting me, playfully, he's not actually hitting.  And I always respond by going, "Help I'm being attacked by a monster!  Oh NOOOOO!"  The other night he came up to me and did that right on my tattoo.  I had long sleeves on so he didn't know.  I just had to grin and bear it.  Lol...

 

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On 3/17/2022 at 5:45 PM, catfeeder said:

Keep riding the wave, Cynder.

That image reminds me of exiting an elevator at an old-school casino, maybe on the Vegas strip.

It was like as soon as I started riding the wave it crashed.  I was off two days and slept through it pretty much.  I do have a few hours before it's time to go to work, though.  I'll try to get something done while I can. 

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Ok... 7 weeks until OC Columbus and 10 weeks until Hell City.  Let's see what all we can pull together by then.  I really want to roll out the new magnets at Hell City. 

I guess it's pretty rare for an artist who isn't a tattoo artist to be invited to Hell City.  So as honored as I am, it still puts a lot of pressure on me.  I feel like I have a lot to live up to and I have a lot to prove.  Hell City hosts artists from all over the country and it's invitation only.  In otherwords not just anyone can apply to be a vendor.  They have to find you and be impressed enough with your work to invite you to apply.  And 90% of the people they invite are tattoo artists.  So, the booth has to be absolutely perfect.  I really wish I would have pulled my head out of my ass sooner and started prepping.  But, ten weeks is still a long time to get things done. 

I also know realistically a lot of this will be for not much of a profit.  In my experience people go to tattoo conventions to get tattooed.  Idk though, I've talked to some other non tattoo artists who've done Hell City and have all done really well there.  So, who knows really.  I'm just not going into it expecting to make tons on money. 

I need to hurry up and book a hotel down there, too.  Think I'll go do that now.  

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7 hours ago, Cynder said:

It was like as soon as I started riding the wave it crashed.  I was off two days and slept through it pretty much.  I do have a few hours before it's time to go to work, though.  I'll try to get something done while I can. 

I hear. Sometimes riding waves requires relaxing into recovery and doing the float for a time.

Listen 'with' your body so you don't end up in a counter-productive fight against what it tries to tell you. When you need sleep, sleep. Sometimes that's the most efficient way to recharge, and it can be especially effective when you trust that you are background processing when you relax.

Let your idea side cultivate itself deeply in the silence of still waters. Don't doubt that this works despite not finding yourself flying out of bed bursting with creative motivation.

Allow for ebbs before the flows.

If you place your focus on lost production hours, that can cause needless anxiety which can squelch your creativity and hinder your productivity even further. So that's a vicious cycle you can avoid by resting your body, relaxing your mind and entering a state of peace.

Trust your Self.

 

 

 

 

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Posted (edited)

Hell City hotel is booked.  It cost me almost $800.  But I'm hoping that actually saves me some money in the grand scheme of things because I'm staying right at the venue where the festival is.  So I won't have to pay someone to drive me back and forth for all three days.  And having done this before I can say it's pretty nice waking up, getting ready and then just taking an elevator right down to the ground floor and being at the event.  This is my first time at Hell City, but I've stayed on site at other events.  Being in my situation and not able to drive it's really convenient.  And the hotel is a really nice hotel, too.  And all the Hell City vendors get discounts.  

I asked L to pick up some kittly litter yesterday...you know, since I'm cleaning up after her four cats since she won't get off her ass and change the litter and I refused to live in a house full of cat sht.  But my point is, if I'm cleaning up after them she can at least buy the damn litter.  I've bought it the last few times.  But in that conversation I was telling her I hope I can still fix the upstairs shower with my tax refund.  It isn't some simple fix otherwise it would have been done already.  The whole shower needs replaced.  I was telling her my hotel cost for Hell City ate up a lot of my refund, plus just playing catch up from the time I was off work.  And she got ALL excited about Hell City.  Well this means I'm probably going to have to have an awkward conversation with her here soon because she's not helping me at Hell City.   

She used to help me at all the shows.  She was my best employee for a long time.  Then covid happened and there were no shows for a while.  Ever since then she won't commit to anything.  I asked for her help at OMF, no.  I asked if she wanted to help at OC Columbus, no.  She was supposed to help at PRFM, she backed out  a few days before.  She did the same thing for WWAB last September.  And then at Pride last year she threw her little fit and went stomping out of the booth because I just wasn't talking enough trash about Z for her liking.  And then at the end of the first day she told me I was on my own for the second day.  SO here I was at 11pm trying to find a ride to the venue the next morning and trying to find someone to help me with breakdown at the end of the show.  And on top of all this the way she looked was really embarrassing.  I've never enforced any kind of dress code with anyone because I've never really had to.  Most people know what is and isn't appropriate.  Ok, this is an outdoor Pride event and she decides to wear a dress that is so short her ass cheeks are hanging out and her boobs are also hanging out.  And she wore thigh high vinyl boots with  inch heals and ripped fishnets.  And these massive purple hair falls and completely over the top makeup.  She looked ridiculous sitting at the booth like that. 

So after that, Hell City is a huge no.  She can't help at any other show but suddenly she's all excited about staying at the  star hotel with a pool and a hot tub.  And she's all excited about getting into the tattoo convention for free.  If she can suddenly make time for Hell City than maybe her new bestie Z can pay for her tickets and put her up in the hotel for the weekend. 

Also, considering this is a tattoo convention and her tattoos all look like crap that would make a bad impression on people walking by.  And considering at tattoo conventions people are always wanting to look at each other's tattoos and stuff, someone might see her swastikas.  It's hard to explain without seeing them.  They are camouflaged in other tattoos she has.  But once they've been pointed out you can't unsee them.  I've known her for 20 years and I never knew she had swastika tattoos until she showed them to me a few years ago.  And they are on her forearms.  It's not like they are somewhere that's easily hidden on her body.  I don't want her showing those off to people at Hell City and telling everyone that she's so proud of her German heritage and that's why she had to get not one, but four swastikas tattooed on her body.  Not well she's representing my business. 

But... despite all this I can't get too trigger happy and tell her just yet.  I need to make sure someone else can do it first.  She might be my only option.  And if that's the case I'll ask her to wear long sleeves.  I don't want the swastikas out.  If she asks me why I never told her to cover them up before I'll tell her because this is an event where people are going to be focused on her tattoos and it's harder to hide them.  And while I'm at it I'll also have to remind her to not show up dressed like a $20 hooker like she did at Pride. 

I've always told my female employees there is nothing wrong with looking sexy.  Sex sells.  A hot chick at the booth gets people's attention.  But there's a huge difference between sexy and trashy.  And just so everyone reading this knows, I've never asked my female employees to looks sexy.  It's not like it's ever been a job requirement.  But I have a few who like looking that way and I've always been fine with it.  Amber, a girl who has worked for me for years is a model.  Whenever I have her at my booth I make bank because guys come into the booth just to talk to her and she's such a good sales person that she ends up talking them into buying stuff.  She always dresses sexy but she shows very little skin.  She doesn't really show cleavage either.  She's always pretty covered up when she works for me, but she always looks sexy af. 

I also have female emplyees who wear jeans and t-shirts.  And that's totally fine too.  I always want everyone to be comfortable.

I almost went to my first Al Anon meeting last night.  Why I didn't go was about half practical reasons and about half hesitation.  I knew the meetings were on Monday night but I didn't know where and when.  There was a number to call to find out more info.  So I called the number yesterday and this really aggressive sounding guy answered and he's just like, "Yea, who is this?" 

I was about half afraid to answer him because he sounded so pissed off.  I was like, "I got this number off the Al Anon page for *name of town I live in.*

And then he's like, "How long has it been since you had a drink or took a drug?" 

I had to stop and think because I don't remember when I actually drank last.  So I just said a couple weeks ago. 

And then he's like, "Well this is what you're gonna do.  You're gonna go on alcoholicsanonymous.com and put your zip code in.  They will tell you when AA meetings are." 

I told him "Well I'm no interested in going to AA because I'm not an alcoholic." 

And he's like "Well I can't help you then." and he hung up. 

I knew it was a long shot but I remember hearing from someone I know that this one church downtown hosted al anon meetings.  So I called that church not expecting to get anyone.  Well I ended up talking to this lady who was really nice and gave me all the info. 

So, as for why I didn't go...  Well, when I had this conversation the meeting started in a half hour.  I wasn't ready for work yet.  I hadn't eaten yet.  And I really was intent on finding a hotel for Hell City before I left for work last night.  And if I would have went, I would have had to come home and leave for work.  So I would have had to be ready for work before ever even leaving for the meeting.  So I decided now that I know when and where I can be more prepared next week.  And that includes mentally prepared because I wasn't really sure if I could go and discuss my situation with a bunch of strangers last night. 

So, next week. 

 

Edited by Cynder
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