Life On The Rocinante' (After Dark!)

[Cynder]

1 hour ago, itsallgrand said:

"Family gatherings would sure be interesting"... 

I just have to share this. A guy I was childhood friends with married his brother's ex wife. Ok, so honestly, they are a way better fit and should have been together in the first place. But here's the weird bit. She has children with both of them. So the kids are both cousins and brother/sisters. 

Hmm say you grew up around rednecks without saying you grew up around rednecks, yes?!? Lol. 

It is funny how that all came around like that with the professor. Maybe you two  just aren't meant to be.. I don't even really believe in meant to be, but some find their way together no matter what and sometimes it's the other way, like here. 

I've heard of similar situations.  I know a family with a girl who married her uncle.  

My ex husband was adopted by step parents.  Thay isn't weird in itself but it made their family dynamic really interesting because he had blood siblings, half siblings and adoptive siblings.  And he also had two moms (birth mom and adopted mom.) And three dads.  (Birth dad, adopted dad, and step dad.) I could write whole.ppst explaining this.  His family was interesting.  

Yea it is funny in a way.  And I guess in the end the winner is my sister.  She got some guy to fall for her and pay her all this attention and she also got her jollies laughing at me and also laughing at him.  

I do actually think there are couples who are meant to be.  And I also think some people are just meant to be single.  The older I get the more I think I'm one of those people.  Love is just too difficult.  Everyone I love learns to hate me in the end.  Z swore to God she was going to break the cycle.  But she ended up being the final coffin nail.  She swears she doesn't hate me and tells me she still loves me every time we talk.  But actions speak louder.

I got my dad's genes in pretty much every way.  And all the women on his side of the family die young.  So I'll probably be dead 10 years from now anyway.  Why bother investing my time and energy into something so useless?  

  

  

  

[Cynder]

L came home from her latest vacation to the psych ward today.  She's out on the porch drinking.  Guess not much changed. 

[catfeeder]

On 6/5/2022 at 7:16 PM, Cynder said:

And I told him the woman she's dating.  And he got pissed at me.  He didn't know she was gay and he decided I was evil for telling him that and he said I'm a liar. 

This is too bad and would have been the dealbreaker for me. Someone who's shortsighted enough to kill the messenger isn't someone I'd last with very long. 

You dodged a ... something-ur-other. 

[Cynder]

23 hours ago, catfeeder said:

This is too bad and would have been the dealbreaker for me. Someone who's shortsighted enough to kill the messenger isn't someone I'd last with very long. 

You dodged a ... something-ur-other. 

For sure.  I have no interest in him that way now.  I think he's a cool person.  He's very intelligent, etc.  But sometimes really smart people don't have a lot of people smarts/social intelligence.  I see that with him, to some degree. 

Like, people reading this are probably wondering why I went out with him if I have no interest in him.  Well, because to me it was just us getting together to talk about writing.  To him it was a date.  Of course he didn't tell me that until an hour in.  And I figured well I'm here.  Might as well just go with it.  He knows I am not looking for a relationship.  He knows I don't want to be with him.  If he still wants to call it a date there isn't much I can do.  But now I can at least say I've been out on a date since Z left. 

There have been so many situations in my life where I don't think I did anything wrong, yet I'm the bad guy.  I think this is going to be one of those situations when it's all said and done. 

Him being mad at me just for telling him my sister is gay (which I thought he already knew) was another one of those situation.  I even caught hell from my Mom about that.  My Mom is the manager at a grocery store where he shops.  So she sees him all the time and when he was really trying hard to get with my sister he used to come in there and talk to my Mom about how he's so in love with my sister. 

Well, after that conversation happened my Mom called me a few days later and she's like, "Why did you tell him you sister's a lesbian?  That's none of his business!"  My only answer was because I thought he already knew.  And that was 100% the truth. 

I am just really careful now about what I say to anyone about other people.  You never know who knows what about who. 

In other news, I guess Z no longer works at the gas station.  Wonder what happened there.  She has never been able to keep a job very long.  When we first met she worked at a Pizza place and she claimed to have been there 6 years.  I don't buy it.  She had 4 jobs in the time we were together.  She never stays anywhere long. 

I'm glad she's not at the gas station anymore though because that particular gas station sells A LOT of booze.  I'm sure working there her alcoholism got a lot worse (and that could be why she's not there anymore.)  I wouldn't put it past her to drink on the job, etc. 

I know it might seem weird, but I like not knowing where she works/lives.  It's just one more degree of separation. 

And I'm glad she no longer works there because now I can go to that gas station and not have to worry about her being there.  There are two locations here in town, the north end location and the south end location.  As far as I knew she only worked at the north end one.  Well one day I went in the south end store and she was working.  That was the day I went up and paid for my drink and acted like I didn't know her, lol.  The look on her face was priceless. 

Anyway, Need to get ready for work. 

 

[Cynder]

So, since Hell City I've written several chapters of my novel, and I've decided I am actually going to try to publish it.  I've had a lot of friends read my stuff and they all like it.  But they are also my friends... of course they are going to tell me they like it.  What is really giving me confidence here is the way people on Reddit respond to my work.  I've been active on Reddit for 7 years and people there are brutally honest about everything.  Thousands of people read my work and people even discuss it there.  I love it when people get into these discussions about symbolism, etc and it's something I wrote that they are discussing. 

I know when something is posted on the internet it is technically published already.  But the way people get around that on Reddit is they don't post the actual writing.  They post a link to a Google Doc. So technically nothing of mine has been published on the internet.  

I get compared to Earnest Hemingway and Hunter S. Thompson a lot.  My username over there is gender neutral so a lot of people assume I'm a guy, which doesn't bother me at all.  There is a serious gender bias in all creative fields.  But authors use that to their advantage because they can be anonymous.  A lot of female authors use masculine pen names.  I don't care if people think I'm a guy, it means my work must be good.  I love it when people say, "I can tell a man wrote this because xyz." 

My work is violent and gritty and disturbing. People seem to think women just write romance. 

And I know other authors.  I know a few vendors who are authors.  I also know a literary agent.  Having these connections could really help me out. 

This is a different subject... but when it comes to knowing vendors who are authors...  It's interesting the way society percieves people who do my job versus how we actually are.  People who work the festival circuit are some of the most creative, intelligent people out there.  But a lot of people think we are basically carnies who are uneducated and trying to scam them out of money.  Most of the vendors I know have college educations, a lot of them even have more than one degree.  A lot of them are also doing a lot of different things with their lives.  Like, think of the term Renaissance Man.  I know vendors who are artists and musicians and film makers.  Yet we meet people who treat us like scum and assume we are just trying to con them out of money, etc. 

FF is Saturday.  This is going to be an interesting event.  It's a Yoga festival, and people are coming from all over the country to teach classes.  Tickets are pretty expensive.  I think a single ticket is $150.  But that's all inclusive.  So, the people coming are people who have money to spend.  And there are only 6 vendors, which could be a really good thing or a bad thing.  There's a clothing vendor, a soap/lotion vendor, a crystal vendor, and three artists.  And the three of us who are artists all have different styles. 

Tomorrow is going to be a long day, too.  Because I get off work at 6am, then I have to stay up all day loading up the van and setting up the booth.

 

[Cynder]

So, I'm mostly set up for FF.  I say mostly because the prints aren't in the bins yet and the originals aren't up yet.  I don't want to hang up the originals incase it rains overnight.  I will hang them tomorrow morning. 

I can't believe I'm still awake.  I'm going to sleep like the dead tonight.  After I take my shower I'm taking off the bandage over my Alex Gray tattoo.  The derm has been on it for 6 days.  Last time I removed a derm bandage early I got a staph infection.  And I only removed it early because it was falling off.  I was told leave it for 5-7 days.  I want to have it unbandaged tomorrow at the event.  I can't believe how good it turned out.  Possibly the best thing on my body. 

I hope I sell tons tomorrow.  I need the money. 

This song is interesting... not everyone's cup of tea, I know.  But this is the good obscure stuff that you will never hear on the radio.  And I've always said if my NDE was a piece of music, it would be this.  It starts out slow (in darkness and confused) and then gets really terrifying and chaotic (oh my God, am I dead?  I can't be dead!  This isn't fair!)  Then there is the soft part of the song where it's just the organ playing...  (Well, if this is my end, then I have to accept it.  Everything happens when it's supposed to happen.  The universe is one giant puzzle, everything fits where it's supposed to fit. My family will be ok.  I don't have to worry about anything in this world anymore.  I get to go home.)  And then the song gets really beautiful and almost supernatural.  (I know everything.  I am everything.  We are all connected.  I am the teacher and the student.  I am the mother and the child.  Nothing really ends.  I surrender completely and release anything from my life.  I am now one with everything.) 

That's where the song ends...  but obviously I'm still here.  Sometimes I wonder what would have changed if I really did die that day.  Obviously it wasn't my time. 

 

[itsallgrand]

Wow, I haven't heard that song in ages. They have so many interesting songs really. 

Good luck tomorrow!! 

[Jibralta]

3 hours ago, Cynder said:

Alex Gray

I just googled him to see who he was, saw these tiny little images of his art, and instantly knew he did the artwork for Tool, even though the thumbnails showed a completely different color scheme. 

[catfeeder]

3 hours ago, Cynder said:

And I've always said if my NDE was a piece of music, it would be this.

Best wishes for a great selling day, Cynder.

Would you be willing to write more about your NDE and what caused it?

[Cynder]

10 hours ago, itsallgrand said:

Wow, I haven't heard that song in ages. They have so many interesting songs really. 

Good luck tomorrow!! 

Yea... most people only know what gets radio play which isn't them at their best at all.  The late 60s live recordings are amazing.  I just wish there were more of them. 

I can already feel that today is going to be a good day.  I woke up early on my own, got ready and cooked the best breakfast ever.  (French toast with fresh fruit.) 

I'm leaving in a about an hour.  The booth has to be open and ready at 9AM.  All I have to do is hang up the original paintings and put the prints in the bins.  

Thank you for the well wishes.  I can already feel today is going to be a good day. 

[Cynder]

8 hours ago, Jibralta said:

I just googled him to see who he was, saw these tiny little images of his art, and instantly knew he did the artwork for Tool, even though the thumbnails showed a completely different color scheme. 

Yea, he's that guy. 

My tattoo is in the same style, but it's not a direct redo of one of his paintings.  My left arm is my music arm.  It took me a while to come up with an idea for a Tool tattoo that isn't something everyone else has.  So many people have the Lateralus eye.  I wanted something that incorporated the eye, the seven pointed star, and the Fibonacci spiral.  I use Fibonacci spirals in a lot of my paintings, so that has a double meaning.  My tattoo artist is awesome.  She came up with something really cool.  

I have another appointment with her in a few months to actually finish my Pink Floyd tattoo that is right above the Tool one.  The artist who did it is really talented, but she was never able to finish it because basically her whole life fell apart and she ended up closing her shop.  It's a sad story...  Her son died, her and her husband split up, etc. 

It's still flaking because it's not healed yet, but here is what the Alex Grey one looks like:

https://imgur.com/a/f4EmjBn

 

 

[Cynder]

8 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Best wishes for a great selling day, Cynder.

Would you be willing to write more about your NDE and what caused it?

Maybe one day I will go into more detail about it.  Honestly if it weren't for that experience I probably wouldn't have made it through the last year.  Things I learned during my NDE are literally all that kept me alive 10 months ago when I was in a hotel room ready to end it.  And I've tried to talk about that to a few people I know who act like I'm talking crazy. 

So, I have everything ready to go.  Got my cashbox, change, snacks, fan, bug spray, hand sanitizer, lotion for my tattoo, water bottle, phone charger, etc.  I'm just waiting on my ride now. 

[Jibralta]

1 hour ago, Cynder said:

It's still flaking because it's not healed yet, but here is what the Alex Grey one looks like:

https://imgur.com/a/f4EmjBn

It's good work. I like the shading. The blue-green area reminds me of the one that my boyfriend has on his arm. Yours is much brighter, of course. But his tattoo is much older:

https://imgur.com/a/daEypiK

The top part (overhanging the eye*) is 25 years old. The bottom part is 20 years old, done by my boyfriend's friend's little bother. He was just a little skater kid when my boyfriend met him, maybe 16 years old, and a great artist. My boyfriend suggested he get into tattooing.

Years later, my boyfriend ran into the kid again. He'd completed an apprenticeship with the guy that did the top part of the tattoo shown here. My boyfriend hired him to complete the work. There was no design in mind; the kid basically just doodled. It's still really crisp after two decades of aging lol. 

________________________

*I think it's an eye. But I guess it could be an aura around a seed? I don't know. It doesn't matter.

[Cynder]

So, that buzz I felt in the air this morning was (for lack of a better word) right. 

FF was awesome.  I did well and made decent money.  But it was so much more than that.  The energy at this show was great.  Even though FF is not a music festival, it reminded me a lot of what music festivals used to be and what they were intended to be before rich people ruined them.  Basically a bunch of people gathering in the middle of nowhere and having a good time. 

There was live music all day, all different kinds of music, too.  There was an amazing drummer there who did the style of drumming people do on the street in big cities, where they use pots and pans, buckets, etc.  I've heard those drummers called trash drummers (it's not meant as an insult) but I don't know if that's what they are actually called.  But there was a guy there doing that.  There were belly dancers performing to live middle eastern music, etc.  There was this amazing singer who was singing in Sanskrit and playing the Harmonium.  I mean... there was some great performers there. 

And everyone was really nice.  All the vendors were really cool.  There were a lot of customers walking around with their dogs, so I got to pet a lot of dogs today.  (I love animal friendly festivals.)  And if anyone is wondering I don't pet anyone's dog without asking and I always put my hand out to let the dog make the decision if it wants pets from me first.

There was a wholesomeness about this show.  Which is something I just don't see much as a vendor.  I'm not saying every show needs to be wholesome, but it's nice once in a while to be at a festival and see kids running around playing with puppies, and not have to deal with drunk people all day long, etc. 

One thing that I thought was really cool that I've never seen before at a festival... everyone there got a t-shirt.  I mean, all the attendees, all the vendors, all the staff, etc.  And there were stations set up where you could go and tie-dye your shirt.  And there was everything you needed. Every color of dye, rubbers bands, gloves, etc.  That was so cool.  I've never actually done any tie dying before.  I've done a lot of ice dying, it's not the same process, though.  So I just put a bunch of rubber bands in random places on the shirt and just went to town using every color I could.

For a long time I was really into customizing clothes.  Crush bleaching was one of my favorite things to do.  And ice dying.  I actually have a pair of jeans I bought specifically to crush bleach recently and haven't done it yet.  Tie dying today made me want to do more of that.  A few years ago I was ice dying a lot of sarongs and selling them at events.  And I was also crush bleaching clothes I found at thrift stores and selling those too.  But I got a lot of complaints from people because I didn't have their size.  All my stuff was one of a kind.  I don't mass produce my clothes.  So it ended up being more trouble than it was worth.  Plus, it was a hassle trying to display them in the booth.  But it was still fun to do. 

Anyway, I worked my ass off today and now I'm going to go lay in my dark bedroom and watch a horror movie. 

 

[Cynder]

So, there are ten weeks until the biggest show of the year, CPPD.  This year I think I will stay up there if I can find a reasonably priced place.  Last year I was so excited for this show, not only because it's CPPD and it's always a blast and a huge money maker, but because Z and I were still together and I planned on spoiling her rotten all weekend.  I got us a place on AirBnB that was awesome.  It was this loft apartment above a motorcycle shop.  And I was thinking of it as a mini vacation for us.  And she decided to leave a week before it.  And I remember the night before she left she was even telling me how excited she was for this.  I mean... the pathology there.  I can't wrap my head around it telling someone how excited I am to go somewhere with them, all along knowing I'm leaving them the following day.  And she just was grinning from ear to ear too.  I remember it specifically because seeing her that excited made me so happy. 

There were so many times in our relationship that I went out of my way to pamper her and do nice things for her.  I don't remember her ever going out of her way to do anything like that for me.  When her and I went to Indianapolis for OC...  She didn't pay for anything, and I also bought her a few presents at the festival.  I'm not talking cheap stuff either.  One of the things I bought her was an $80 dress.  I'm sure there are people reading this who are laughing right now because to some people $80 is nothing to spend on a dress.  But I'm from the midwest and I don't buy designer clothes. 

So this year I will be alone at CPPD but in way better spirits (slightly.)  Last year was awful.  Omg...  I hadn't seen most of the other vendors I know at that show for two years because of the Pandemic.  But I'm friends with them all on Facebook.  I don't advertise anything too personal on there, though.  And so a lot of them had no clue what I was going through and came up to me asking where my gf is.  I know it wasn't intentional, but I spent a lot of time that weekend behind the booth crying my eyes out.  And then L decided to throw a massive temper tantrum and cuss me out and stomp out of the booth making this big scene, because she just "couldn't take it" anymore.  Of course it had to be all about her.  She just can't handle hearing about how my heart is broken not because of basic human empathy but because, well I don't even know why.  It was most likely because people were paying attention to me and not her.  If she goes too long without being paid attention to she throws a fit... at 39 years old.  She was dressed like a $20 hooker, too.  I mean, she looked ridiculous at an event like CPPD.  It was like 90 degrees out and she's in a skin tight vinyl dress that barely covers her ass cheeks and fishnets and 6 inch stripper heals. Her boobs were hanging out.  She had makeup caked on and had this huge purple hairfall in her hair that looked like a cheap Halloween wig.

She refused to take any money for helping me because I lost my job.  Ok, fine.  Then when she's screaming at me and berating me she points out quite loudly that she's helping me for free (I'm here helping you for free and this is the sh*t I have to listen to all day!)

And all through the weekend I just kept thinking, "By next year I will be completely over her.  She won't even matter to me when I'm here next year." etc.  And now CPPD is ten weeks away and I'm not over her.  I'm still in love.  I'm still grieving (even if not as hard.) 

And then on top of all that, the top of my ten collapsed at the beginning of the third day because it got water logged over night, and about a thousand dollars of inventory was ruined. 

So, I'm thinking about staying up there just for the convenience of doing so.  Not having to find a ride back and forth every day for three days would probably be cheaper than paying an employee to drive and then covering their gas.  It is an hour away. 

So, I have ten weeks to crank out some original work.  Maybe CPPD will get me painting again. 

 

[catfeeder]

2 hours ago, Cynder said:

So, I have ten weeks to crank out some original work.  Maybe CPPD will get me painting again. 

This sounds like one of the most important milestones for you to reclaim and rewrite.

So glad you had a great event this weekend, Cynder. You deserve to be proud of yourself on many levels.

[Cynder]

On 12/19/2021 at 9:02 PM, Jibralta said:

My college roommate and I both read Lost Souls. That was probably 1996 or 1997. It was a good book. A little too dark and violent for my tastes, but good nonetheless. 

I think it was from that book that she and I discovered the band 22 Brides. Nobody else on the planet has ever heard of this band, but (bizarrely) the tape was available in the local record store right around the time that we read the book. We bought it and really liked it. It was folksy/countryish and not really my thing, but good is good.

I know I'm quoiting something from months ago...  But man, I started listening to one of his books at work.  The book is called Exquisite Corpse.  Man oh man...  this is dark and disturbing as hell.  And I love it.  I want to devour everything this dude has ever written.  

I can see how it's not everyone's cup of tea, though.  I mean, there are full detailed passages about dead bodies being dismembered.  But the main character is a serial killer who considers himself an artist.  So, even though what's being described is disgusting, it's described in a way that makes it sound beautiful.  There was one line about how the exposed lungs looked like scarlet wings streaked with snow.  

As I was listening to some of the really details parts I was thinking to myself, how does the author know all this?  I am so big on grounding everything I write in reality.  Like, I have actually talked to EMS workers about how they would handle a certain scene if they showed up, just so I can write it in a way that is realistic.  In my current novel there is a scene involving both a murder and an overdose happening at the same time.  I Got some good answers from EMS workers on reddit about what they would do if they walked in on that, etc.  So I'm listening to this long detailed passage about a body being dismembered and I'm thinking, "How would I ever write something like this without talking to a medical student about what would happen when you rip open a dead body?"  The idea of that was kind of funny to me. 

Lost Souls is on my list on Audible.  I chose Exquisite Corpse to start with because of the MC being an artist, and also it has shown up on some "Most disturbing books ever written" lists. 

I wondered how I went so long without knowing about this Author.  But also... up until about 5 years ago when Audiobooks became a lot more accessible, I hardly "read" anything.  Because of my vision I read really slow and reading for a while gives me headaches.  So, for me to get through an entire book was such a rare thing.  It was such a massive commitment.  But since audiobooks have become a lot more mainstream and affordable, I can actually "read" a lot more. 

And you mentioned the band...  I also love how he uses music so much in his storytelling.  That's something I do a lot, too and it's something that is kinda frowned on in writing communities online. 

So anyway, thank you for mentioning him.  🙂

Now I must sleep.  It's supposed to be 98 degrees here today.  I have already decided I am not going to yoga class tonight because I'm not walking in 98 degrees.  It's just not worth it.  I am actually staying up a little later than normal today so I can sleep through the worst of it. 

 

 

[Cynder]

Ok so I still haven't made it to bed...  I just got a message from my host on AirBnB, since I booked the same loft apartment above a motorcycle shop this year, but for myself.  There was no poetic reason for booking it.  I literally booked it because it is within walking distance of the venue.  It's actually the only place that is. 

But, being on that site, clicking around, I started remembering some things.  For a while Z was on this kick of wanting to go somewhere and stay in a fancy treehouse.  I mean, we had multiple conversations about this.  And so one day I just went on AirBnB and hound several treehouses we could stay in. One was only an hour away.  And I remember telling her about it.  Like, alright, if you want to do this, lets go do it.  Lets decide on a weekend, and lets go stay in a treehouse.  But she seemed so annoyed that I would even suggest it.  Like, We are adults with jobs.  We can't just take off and stay in a treehouse.  Well, why can't we?  We both have paid time off. 

I'm a doer, not a talker.  Most people are talkers.  I know I'm probably not going to live to be very old because of my genetics.  I might make it to 55.  And when I'm that age and close to dying, I won't look back and think about all the things I wish I would have done.  Because I went and did them.  The first time I went to Europe my whole family tried so hard to talk me out of going or find some way to actually stop me from going.  (I mean... my Mom and step dad actually talked about calling the airport in advance telling them I can't fly alone because I'm the r word. And this was something they were 100% serious about, too.)  And I was told by more than one person, "It's not like you're 80.  You have plenty of time."  Well, like Buddha supposedly said, "The trouble ism, you think you have time."  I don't know if he actually said it or not.  It gets credited to him all the time, though.  But regardless, it's right.  We think we have time.  Anyone could die any minute.  We don't know how much time we have. 

In 2016 I climbed a mountain.  The picture I have of myself at the top of it is one of my favorite pictures of myself ever.  And I'm glad I did it then, because 2 years later I tore my Achilles tendon. I don't think I could climb a mountain now.  So I'm glad I did it when I did.  

Z acted so annoyed that I found us some treehouses we could have stayed in.  Man... one day she's going to look back on her life and realize all she did was drink.  Like... is alcohol really freaking worth it?  I love whiskey, and I love wine, and I love certain kinds of beer.  But I couldn't imagine giving up my life for that.  If someone told me, "You can do everything you want, but you can never touch a drop of alcohol again, what's your choice?"  I mean, it wouldn't even be a choice. 

Marriages are ruined, jobs are lost, families are torn apart, people kill themselves all of this stuff.  Why?  Being drunk isn't orgasmic.  It's really not event hat fun. 

One day reality is going to hit her like a brick in the face.  My parents used to say that to me when I was a kid, "One day reality is going to hit you like a brick in the face!"  I think reality hit me before it hit them, sadly.  Reality hit my dad when he was on his death bed, do to cirrhosis.  Reality is just now hitting my Mom, and she's looking back on her life realizing she spent a lot of it drunk and was a terrible parent. 

Z is going to have this experience one day... except she doesn't even have kids, so she has no one to help her through it.  She talks about all these friends she's been friends with for decades.  Where are they?  I never met any of them.  She has people she has partied and drank with for decades.  And obviously those people aren't that loyal... because she moved in with someone of them when she left me, and they kicked her out.  So it's not like they are that close, clearly.  

Karma is going to mop the floor with her one day.  One  day she's not going to be drop dead gorgeous anymore.  She's already 44 years old.  It's not like she's a fresh faced spring chicken running around.  The rose is already starting to lose it's bloom.  And her looks have let her get away with a lot.  One day she's going to realize she threw everything away for booze, and by then it will be too late to change anything.  She will be ugly and physically dependent on alcohol and pickling her own brain. 

As much as I still miss her every day, I'm glad I won't be around to see it. 

 

[Cynder]

So apparently it's ableist to call someone insane now.  And hitting on someone is also sexual assault.  (I didn't do either of these things.  I just saw some interesting accusations being slung at people on Reddit the last few days.)

[Cynder]

Well, L is throwing one of her little fits again.  She's all over Facebook talking all kinds of trash about how she needs another place to live ASAP and making it sound like I'm being so awful to her.  What did I do?  I suggested taking the 5 kittens we can't re-home to a no-kill shelter and I won't let her keep any of them.  Yup, I'm evil. 

She already has 3 adult cats in here.  The way I see it, if I can't have a pet of my own I don't see why she should be allowed another pet.  I already clean up after the 3 that are here because she won't get off her lazy ass and do it.  Her rebuttle to that is, "Well I feed them!"  Ok, it takes 5 damn seconds to poor food into a bowl.  Cleaning the litterboxes is more of a chore.  I mean, I keep up on it, so it's not too awful, but still, I have to scoop them out twice a day.  I do it when I get home from work and before I leave for work. 

This is my house.  I refuse to let her be an animal hoarder here.  And of course the fact that I suggested a no-kill shelter makes me a monster because she's one of these people who think all animal shelters are evil places that just want to kill puppies and kittens.  Not true.  I have volunteered in them.  And I'm not just someone who went and volunteered a couple times, either.  I was a regular volunteer for months when I was in college and also when I was unemployed for a time.  So I saw a lot of the inner workings of how a shelter operates.  And the one I volunteered at wasn't even a no-kill shelter.  They euthanized animals there.  But it was only the ones who were sick. 

I didn't actually see the Facebook post because I don't really do Facebook anymore.  But a mutual friend told me about it.  He told me it was pretty brutal.  And this is someone I went to high school and he's not in the habit of lying.  He is one of the guys who came over here to hang out with me, met her once and became completely obsessed with her.  Then she met his son and screwed him.  So now my friend isn't all that into her anymore.  I don't think I would be into anyone who slept with my child either. 

But yea, he told me it's pretty brutal and she's got her whole stream of groupies propping her up, "Aw, you poor baby!" Boy I wonder what they would say if they knew the truth?  

Honestly, I couldn't give two sh*ts about her anymore.  She's disgusting.  The only thing she's done in her miserable life worth anything is have K.  And I know if she moves out I won't be able to see him anymore.  And that's what really hurts.   

 

[catfeeder]

10 hours ago, Cynder said:

I know if she moves out I won't be able to see him anymore.  And that's what really hurts.   

Could you possibly see K through his father?

[Cynder]

4 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

Could you possibly see K through his father?

I don't know for sure, but I'm guessing no.  I know his Dad isn't too fond of me.  I know that whenever Z and I would watch K his Dad didn't like it because he didn't want his son spending too much time around a gay couple.  But of course it's all through L that I've heard this, so who knows, really.  L has also told me that K's dad makes fun of me a lot.  He's always been really nice to my face though. 

It really sucks not being able to trust anyone.  I just wish I knew some people who could tell me things and I wouldn't have to take everything with a grain of salt.  I know honest people exist because I'm an honest person.  I just think we are a rare breed. 

She was giving me all this attitude last night because every day when she gets home from work the cats' bowl is empty.  Ok... every day when I get home from work (at 6:30ish AM) their bowl is full.  I go to bed and wake up about 8 hours later and by that time she's home.  She seems to think I just let the cats starve all day because I'm too lazy to feed them.  This is where the issue of people working a normal schedule don't understand working third shift comes into play.  They have food when I go to sleep.  Does she expect me to get up in the middle of my sleep cycle and feed HER cats?  If they eat all the food that's in their bowl while I'm asleep I don't see how it's my responsibility.  Do people who work normal hours get up in the middle of the night to feed their pets?  Maybe some, but no one I know. 

So this morning before I went to bed I took a picture of their bowl and sent it to her explaining this.  She is so pissed off about having to feed the cats when she gets home from work.  Really?  It takes like 5 seconds to pour food in a bowl.  And uh, they are HER cats. 

Well she copped an attitude, of course. And since she's at work (She gets paid to sit on her ass and smoke weed all day because her boss likes her and made her a supervisor, wow, hard job.)  But anyway, since she's at work she's probably whining and moaning to all her coworkers about how her life is so hard because her roommate doesn't do a good enough job taking care of her pets for her and because her roommate won't let her have more pets.  I hope all her co-workers were laughing at her behind her back.  Oh poor L, your life is SO hard!

But my response to her was "Well hey, at least I'm coming directly to you with this instead of sh*t talking on Facebook."  Of course, she denied saying anything on Facebook.  And then she told me that whoever told me she was posting about me needs to just mind their own business.  I told her "Or maybe you just shouldn't be talking bad about people on Facebook." 

I sent another text telling her I'm sorry for my part in this, but I also feel hurt that I am helping take care of animals that aren't even mine and that I'm still being b*tched at for not doing a good enough job at it and then I'm being talked bad about online.  She didn't respond.  I know saying "I'm sorry but..." isn't a real apology.  But I really don;t think I have anything to apologize for.  I didn't do anything wrong.  She just expects everyone to kiss her ass and weight on her hand and foot. 

Idk why I even try.  No matter what happens I'm going to come out looking bad and everyone is going to praise her and kiss her ass like they always do. 

 

[Cynder]

I swear, no matter how hard I try to be a good person there are days and sometimes even whole works where I just feel like a total sh*tbag.  I wonder if I was some evil person In a past life who is now being punished.  Like maybe I was Jack The Ripper, and since he got away with it the Universe decided to punish him in his next life.  No, I di t acrually think this about myself that specifically.  But I do wonder what I did to deserve some of the things I've been through.  I tried to be a good daughter.  I've tried to be a good partner.  I've tried to be a good friend.  Ive tried to be a productive member of society.  Yet I get so.much hate and vitriol flung at me... sometimes out of nowhere from strangers even.  I had a customer recently who went off and called me "dumb as hell" and told me I can't be trusted for anything and that I can't do anything right and need to pull my head out of my ass.  The reason: her tanning bed didn't start. I know it's something stupid but that ruined my night.  I went and cried in the bathroom and then just felt off for the rest of the night.  Maybe I just need a thicker skin.  Oh and if anyone is wondering, I didn't do anything to keep her tanning bed from starting.  She didnt know yoy had to hit a button to actually start it.  

This feeling goes beyond that though.  Everyone I get close to Hates me eventually.  Soon there won't be anyone left.  

I'm typing this on my phone.  I'm on a break.  Don't have time to read through and check it.  Sorry if it's sloppy.  

 

[Jibralta]

5 hours ago, Cynder said:

I had a customer recently who went off and called me "dumb as hell" and told me I can't be trusted for anything and that I can't do anything right and need to pull my head out of my ass.

What an asshle.

[Cynder]

14 hours ago, Jibralta said:

What an asshle.

Yea... she has been in there since and blatantly asked for someone else to wait on her because I can't be trusted.  She seems to think I stopped her from tanning on purpose.  What would my motivation be for stopping her from tanning?  That doesn't even make sense.  She has complained to my co workers about "that purple haired c word with the tattoos." I try to tell myself that anyone this full of hate and anger over tanning is just not mentally right anyway, so what do I care?  But things like this have happened more frequently lately. 

I've had people being rude to me just walking down the street here lately, too.  It's been really hot and muggy here.  maybe heat just makes people cranky, who knows. 

I was supposed to meet up with a friend tonight at 6.  I showed up, soon it's 6:10... then it's 6:30.  I messaged them asking if they were still coming.  Nothing.  Finally at 6:54 they message me telling me basically, "oops, time just got away from me.  I messaged back saying I'm still here if you still want to come.  Nothing.  So I finally just left.  They messaged me back at 8:30 asking if he can reschedule.  Well, I guess we're gonna have to aren't we?  Idk...  this seems to be a thing in our society now that people just do.  When I make plans to be somewhere I show up when I say I'm going to show up.  And if something comes up I let people know.  I think it's really disrespectful to just stand people up like that.  Especially when I planned my whole evening around meeting with this person. 

The last few days I've been disgusted by pretty much all food except Macaroni and Cheese.  I don't know why.  Like everything makes me nauseous.  This has happened before.  I have chronic gastritis.  My stomach is basically upset 90% of the time and I just have learned to live with it.  But there are times where all food is just disgusting to me.  And then there are times where everything but one specific food is disgusting to me.  And most of the time it's macaroni and cheese.  It was my favorite food as a kid and my Mom is a great cook, so hers was awesome.  Maybe it's a mental thing because of that.  But the last few days I've been dealing with this so tonight I finally made some.  I came home all sad because I was really looking forward to some social time after being so depressed these last few days.  And so I recreated my Mom's recipe, heavy cream, white cheddar, the whole shabang.  My Mom may have not been mother of the year.  But she  can cook, for sure. 

I've dreamt about Z for the last 5 nights in a row.  Out of nowhere.  People keep saying I need to stop letting her have any power over me.  Believe me, if it was as simple as just making the conscious decision that she isn't going to have power over me, I would have done that a while ago.  I can't just switch it off.  It is so beyond messed up that I am still in love with her even after almost a year and after everything she has done.  I'm starting to think I'm just never going to get over her.  Like my stomach problems, it might just be something I have to learn to live with. 

When my gastritis first became an issue about 5 years ago, I started drinking sprite and ginger ale all the time.  But then I realized this isn't just going to go away and pop is so bad from a nutrition angle.  So I started drinking carbonated water all the time instead.  And now it's just a staple on my shopping list.  And now I just have learned to function with a constantly angry stomach.  I might just have to learn to function with a constantly broken heart, too.

I guess if nothing else comes out of this, my novel is something that came/is coming out of it.  But I also have the feeling that it could all blow up in my face, too.  Like ok, lets say I actually succeed at getting my novel published.  I won't use my real name.  I've talked to a few people about this and they all think I should use my real name because my name is so unique.  My first name is very unusual and my last name is a very Italian name.  I've been questioned, mainly by festival organizers if my name is actually my legal name.  This has been because of billing, contracts, etc.  I've had people say, "You can't sign with you artist/vendor name, you have to use your real name.  And I've even had a few take it further and be like, "Did you have it legally changed?"  But anyway, as cool as my name is, I won't use it as a pen name. 

But despite this, I'm sure some people in my social circle will buy it.  I have a few friends who love to read my work and have been kinda like my beta readers thus far.  And this means other people in my circle will find out about it.  Which also means eventually my ex will find out about it.  If she has any inkling that the main character might be inspired by her at all, she will read it.  And then I will be the as*hole who wrote bad things about her.  And of course it will be a refection of my blatant transphobia, too.  My main character is male, but based on her.  I made him male because I wanted to separate him from her as much as possible.  And I made him a Cis male because I as a cis person don't feel like I could accurately write a trans character.  I feel like if I can't do it right, it's not even worth trying because it's just too touchy a subject for society at this point.  Like, 25 years ago a straight author trying to write a gay character would have been really challenging and they probably would have gotten crucified for doing it wrong. 

My main character's name also starts with the same letter as her deadname.  That wasn't on purpose.  I swear it wasn't.  Her deadname starts with a pretty common letter.  If it started with a Q or something it would be a lot harder to defend my position.  But a lot of male names start with that latter.  Like if her deadname was Michael and I called my main character Matthew (these are made up) I doubt anyone would think anything of it. 

My mc's Dad is an abusive coal miner.  Her dad was an abusive coal miner.  (And I don't even know for sure if her Dad is actually a coal miner.  She says that, but she grew up here in my area where there are no coal mines.  So unless her dad was commuting to another state on the regular or something, I doubt he is actually a coal miner.  I think she just tells people that. 

She told me a story about something that happened when she was a teenager.  It was something violent, and she was the perpetrator, not the victim.  And one night when I was really depressed I decided to write a short story based on that.  And that short story just got longer and longer and longer.  I started writing about what happened before that, and after that, etc.  And all the before and after stuff is from my own imagination, not stuff she told me. 

My main character is also a rape survivor.  She claims to be this as well, but I have my doubts.  Mainly because rape survivors don't act like they are proud to be rape survivors.  According to ehr she's been raped lots of times by lots of people.  Idk...  I just doubt it.  It's hard to explain why.  Just the way she talked about it seemed off.  And I am an SA survivor.  I know people process trauma differently.  But I just don't think that part of her past is what she says it is. 

But I could just see it... if she ever read this.  "She made me male because she hates trans people!  And she made my get raped too!  She's a monster!!!"

Honestly, I made my main character a more likable person than she is in a lot of ways, even though he's a criminal. 

I could see her trying to sue me.  I could see her sling mud all over social media.  I could see a whole smear campaign. 

Despite this I'm still going to try to publish my novel.