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Life On The Rocinante' (After Dark!)


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I have a lot of letters like the one in the previous post that I've written to Z since she left and never sent.  And most of them are in this massive document I have saved in Google Docs that is literally called The Grocery List.  It started out as a place to write my grocery list, and that's all.  I know there are better apps for this sort of thing.  But Google Docs is easy to use, etc.  I just created a doc for my grocery list.  But since that doc was always toward the top, I started just opening it and writing random stuff down.  Like, I would get a good idea for a painting or something, or hear an interesting quote.  Or someone would tell me about some band I should check out, and I started writing that stuff done there.  And then over time, I started writing what were basically journal entries in there.  And now The Grocery list is like a hundred pages long.  And I still use it for my grocery list.  I just always keep the grocery list at the top of the doc, so I don't have to scroll through a bunch of stuff to get to it. 

I have thought of how interesting it would be to publish, anonymously.  Like yep... here's the ramblings of a mentally ill tattooed *** artist from Ohio.  And I would still call it The Grocery List. 

I am so bound and determined to finish my current novel.  And for a long time I thought once I finish this one it will likely be it for me.  I don't know if I can come up with another good idea for a novel.  But traveling out west not only gave me my next novel idea, but also helped me decide how to end my current one.  I hate happy endings because they are BS.  Life doesn't work out.  The guy doesn't get the girl.  The team doesn't win the big game.  The underdog doesn't come out on top.  The bully doesn't get their karma.  People don't live happily ever after.  The truth is most people are miserable and most situations end badly.  One of my favorite writers, Daphne Gottlieb has a great line in one of her poems, "The underdog always wins in the movies, that's how you know it's a movie."  Idk if that's the exact quote word for word, but it's close to that.  So yea, I hate happy endings.  My novel is going to have a neutral ending. 

The 6 year anniversary of my NDE was August 12.  Every year that day was a big deal for me until last year... since she decided to leave the day before that day.  That has always been a day I try to pamper myself and celebrate being alive.  Last year and this year it was just another day.  I survived but what for?  There are times I think maybe it would have been better if I didn't survive that day.  My NDE wasn't a textbook NDE like the ones you always hear about.  I didn't see a bright light.  I didn't see dead loved ones, etc.  So little of it had to do with anything I saw and more to do with things I felt.  I do remember seeing myself from somewhere else.  That was weird.  Most people never see themself in interdenominational form.  We only see ourself in mirrors.  Seeing yourself not in a mirror is interesting.  We look different to others than we do in the mirror.  Losing all comprehension of language was another thing that is hard for most people to wrap their heads around.  Language is something we need as humans.  But it is also so limiting.  When you don't know what words are the way you think completely changes.  There's no inner monologue.  Thoughts are all just abstracts.  It's so liberating. 

I wasn't afraid, either.  I was detached from myself, I was somewhere else.  But I wasn't thinking, "I'm dying."  Death was a foreign concept.  But I knew so many things.  Like, the answer to every question I could ever think to ask, I knew it.  But I also knew that if I went back, I wouldn't be able to take all this knowledge with me.  I knew I would only remember what I was supposed to remember. 

People also seem to think that after having a NDE people just go back to living their life like they did before.  Most people don't talk about what it's like trying to bounce back from something like that.  I don't just mean physically.  I mean mentally, too.  It's hard to explain...  my first day back at work after it happened, I didn't think I could get through it just because I couldn't keep my emotions in check.  This was when I worked in the Auto plant.  And I worked back in a dark corner where I interacted with almost no one. So I could get away with crying at work at that job.  There was just so much misery there.  Everyone I worked with hated their life.  And there was no way to tune it out.  That level of negativity was just so overwhelming.  I have told people the best way to describe what I went through coming back from my NDE are the lyrics to the song Mad World.  That song describes perfectly how I felt for weeks after.  And I've learned to live with it now but I still feel that way a lot.  People put so much energy into pointless things.  We'll all be dead one day.  Most people don't realize what really matters until it's way too late. 

All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for the daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere

Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head, I wanna drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow

And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever hadI find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles it's a very, very
Mad world, mad world

Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy birthday, happy birthday
And I feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen, sit and listen

Went to school and I was very nervous

No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello, teacher! Tell me, what's my lesson?
Look right through me, look right through me

And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles it's a very, very
Mad world, mad world

So anyway... now that I've probably depressed everyone reading this...

Pride is this weekend.  And I got accepted into MK this year.  MK is a festival that is hard to get into.  I have done it twice.  I got in my first year, got rejected my second year, and then I've gotten in the last two years.  So, MK will be my money maker in December.  It's a high dollar show. 

But one thing regarding Pride...  Pride is easily my biggest show of the year.  She also decided to leave right before it.  And I remember at Pride last year I kept thinking "Think how much better you will feel next year at Pride.  None of this will matter."  Well, Pride is a few days away and I'm not over her and it all still matters.  Even my own optimism is bs. 

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On 12/20/2021 at 5:54 PM, Cynder said:

So right now I am literally waiting for paint to dry.  I'm in my art room. 

It amazes me, what is deemed offensive on Facebook and what isn't.  I got in trouble on there once for using the term whitewashing while talking about historical movies.  That's hate speech.  The term lynch mob, even if used just as a figure of speech and not in any racial context will get someone in trouble there too.  But, using someone's full name and saying you wish they were dead apparently is fine.  Someone I know has done this to me a few times now, every time it's been reported.  Nothing has ever been done. 

I feel like I want to write the whole story here of this person and I.  There are a lot of things that happened to me over the last four months that I want to tell the full story of.  This is one thing. 

So, I'm going to refer to this person as Ed.  It's not his real name.  His real name is unique and unusual, which would make it easy to find him.  And it also starts with an L.  And since I'll be referring to my friend/roommate a lot in this story too and I call her L, I don't want another L.  So, he is Ed because it's easy to type.

So, way back in the day when I was still heavily involved with the indie film scene, my friend May (not her real name) had a party.  I was at this party when I met Ed and his girlfriend Jodi.  (Also not her real name.) 

I was sitting in a corner talking to them for a long time.  And we all decided we wanted to go outside and smoke.  Well, I had had a few drinks by that point and back then I was not always the most tactful person.  Ed stood up and I noticed how tall he is, and without even stopping to think I was like, "Damn you're tall!"  He is 6'8''.  When he was sitting it just didn't really register with me how tall he was.  He told me later on down that line when we knew each other a lot better that he thought I was really rude for saying that.  I kinda was, though. 

So, I became good friends with Ed and Jodi.  We went out and took a lot of pictures together.  We would go to abandoned places and take pictures, etc.  Ed even had a role in a short film I made where he played a drag queen named Chablis.  Jodi worked at Chipotle.  When she was working Ed and I would go int here and drink a few Beers and he would do this thing where he would see how many bottles of hot sauce he could steal.  He only ever took sealed bottles, though.  And then Jodi would sneak them back in there with her when she went to work.  It wasn't even really about the theft.  It was more just a joke.  Like, how many can he hide on his body and walk out with. 

Well, after being friends for years, Ed and Jodi decided to move back to Ed's home town, about a thousand miles away.  We kept in touch online.  

They split up about two years later.  Jodi moved back here and we are still friends.  We hang out once in a while.   Ed and I have kept in touch online all this time.  We talked pretty regularly.  Messager, text, and occasionally talking on the phone.  Jodi always said he had some real problems.  But since I met them at the same time, and always had an equal friendship with them I remained neutral.  I didn't have any more loyalty to one or the other.  She said Ed had some real anger issues.  The only time I ever saw him get even a little mad was at me, actually.  And it was because he had a cat that had been injured and only had three legs.  And I called his cat a tripod once just being funny.  He didn't think it was funny.  But we talked about it.  I apologized, etc. 

And, there was a time when him and I both were single that we even flirted a little with each other.  It never went beyond that though.  I always thought he was attractive.  He always thought I was attractive, etc.  At one point he was even considering moving back here and at the time I didn't have a roommate.  So we talked about him living with me.  Just as friends. 

Well, a few years ago he got married.  All good.  His wife added me on Facebook.  We would talk once in a while.  No problem. 

Well, thing started changing within the last year or so. 

Ed and L (my roommate and good friend) were acquaintances when he lived up here, but they didn't really know each other.  They met a couple times, though me.  This will come into play here shortly.

So, Z and I start dating.  One night around my birthday, Ed calls me up and we are chatting on the phone.  We were up in Z's room and she was gaming at the time.  Ed is a gamer too, and I ended up putting him on speaker and we all three talked for a while.  Him and Z added each other on XBox live and on Facebook.  They got along real well.  So, he started talking about him and his wife coming up here to see us. 

Well, then L enters the story.  I am not sure who first started talking to who.  But Ed and L start talking.  And soon they were having what was basically an online affair.  Keep in mine, Ed is married.  L has a boyfriend.  Soon they are sexting, sending dirty pics and videos.  The visit that was going to happen... well, it's no longer Ed and his wife coming up here to hang out with Z and I.  Now Ed is coming up here by himself and lying to his wife about why.  And he plans to spend a week in a hotel room with L and they are going to film some home made porn, etc. 

Meanwhile Jodi is still kind of on the outer edge of all this, warning us all that Ed has problems. 

At this point Z and I hardly ever talked to him.  He was completely smitten with L and he was talking about leaving his wife for her.  And he's just going to come here, move into my house and we are all going to live happily ever after.  L never ran any of this by me.  She just had this idea that her and Ed were going to be together and live this fairy tale life.  Him living here wouldn't have necessarily been a problem.  My main concerns were is he going to help out with bills, and how much drama are we going to deal with every day.  Because L is a magnet for drama.  And considering they started as an affair, how healthy is their relationship really going to be? 

Well, then Z leaves.  About two weeks later, Ed messaged me and asked me if I was ok.  I told him no.  And out of the dozen or so people that kept me alive during that time, he actually became one of my favorite people to talk to. 

Whatever was going on between him and L ended before that.  I don't know the details.  I figured if either of them wanted me to know they would tell me.  And at that time, L was MIA.  This was a time when I felt like I needed her most.  But she just disappeared for weeks after Z left and I was here all by myself.  She was at her boyfriend's house.  I know it's a free country.  And I know it's not up to anyone to prop me up.  But she claims I'm her sister.  Idk, if roles were reversed I wouldn't have just disappeared for several weeks when my supposed sister is going through the worst time of her life. 

And the reason Ed because one of my favorite people to talk to is because he was so much more optimistic than everyone else.  Most people were taking the "Forget her and move on" stance.  He was more like, "Well, I know she still cares about you.  Just give it time.  i'm sure you two will work things out.  Just be patient."  And he was still friends with her and talking to her, too.  So, he is telling me this stuff and I am thinking, "Well, maybe she told him she want to work things out, etc..." 

So, out of everyone he was the person I liked talking to the most.  And then one night things started changing.  He was talking about coming up here to visit.  And then he launches into this whole thing about how he won't be staying with me, though, he will be staying with Z.  Why?  Because he refuses to stay with someone who is so anti weed and who looks down on pot smokers.  Ok...  I'm not anti weed and I don't look down on pot smokers.  I just couldn't do it for a long time because my old job random drug tested.  But I had no problem with other people doing it. 

Then not too long after that he felt the need to start reporting to me every single thing him and Z talked about and everything she posted, etc.  I started asking him not to do that.  And I think he was making some of it up, too.  Because he would tell me she said she misses me and hopes we work things out.  Then he would tell me she hates me said she wishes I was dead.  It got to the point where I dreaded him messaging me.  I would ask him not to tell me anything about her.  And he would.  There was one night he was doing that and I called him.  I figured maybe if he actually hears my voice, he might get the hint and stop it. 

Well, we were talking on messager.  I called and he picks up the phone and immediately starts berating me and cussing at me for interrupting him and his wife while they were having sex.  Ok, I don't believe that, because him and I were talking on messager three minutes before that.  What was she on top riding him while he was on the computer?  Idk, I supposed a lot can happen in three minutes when two people are really willing.  But I just don't buy it. 

Then the next day he starts going off on me about how his wife is so pissed off at me because I stopped her from finishing.  Like really...?  He was saying when they come up here his wife is going to come and kick my ass.  And they will be able to find my house because Z will tell them where I live.  At this point I laughed it off because it was just so ridiculous.  So Z is going to tell them where i live and his wife is going to come to my house and beat my ass over one lost orgasm?  Ok... is she aware that's assault?  And since she's going to come onto my property and do this it's also criminal trespassing. 

The next day I sent him this long message telling him my mental health can't handle any more of this.  I don't want to hear any more about Z.  I don't want any more threats.  After all these years of friendship, please. 

And now L decides to get involved and she told him, "Hey, seriously, leave her alone.  She can't take much more of this from you..."  And I know exactly what was said because she (L) sent me screenshots.) 

Then over the next few days, Ed just goes completely apesh-- on me in messages.  Calling me the B word, the C word, saying I'm pathetic.  Saying I should have done the world a favor in the hotel room and killed myself.  Telling me it's not too late, I still could do it.  Telling me that it's amazing Z put up with me for a year.  Telling me to eat sh-- and die.  Telling me I lied about being molested and I make real victims looks bad.  I mean, he said some really below the belt things.  I tried to reason with him at first.  I asked him things like, "Where is this coming from?  Why are you so pissed off at me?  What is your end game in all this?  But it just became more of a dumpster fire.  So I blocked him on messager.  I didn't block him on Facebook entirely though because I wanted to be able to see his posts, just incase the cops need to get involved.  I want to be able to screenshot everything, etc.  And I also made it so he can't see any of my posts.  

Well, then he just started posting all this really nasty stuff about me right on Facebook.  Using my name and everything.  It's all been screenshotted.  It's all been reported.  Facebook didn't do crap because they said he didn't actually make any threats.  And he posted a lot of stuff about L too.  He posted the Suicide Commando song Die MotherF-- Die a couple times and dedicated it to me with lines like, "This stupid b-- needs to go kill herself.  Who agrees with me?"   No one responded to any of this stuff.  None of these posts got any likes or comments. 

Then he posted something and used my nephew's name.  I texted him and said, "Please don't bring my nephew into this.  Whatever problem you have with me I can't help.  But he doesn't need his name drug into this."  That post disappeared. 

Then, things fizzled out.  He is still on my lists just so I can keep an eye on him.  And Jodi and I talked while all this was going on.  Jodi is terrified of him.  She said he's been threatening to come to town and murder her and her husband for years. 

Well, after a long time of quiet... suddenly the nasty posts about me have started again out of nowhere.  I'm guessing it's because he noticed that Z and I are friends again on there.  I know he religiously reads my profile... because for a while he was responding to things I would post on his profile.  Like... I could post a painting I did and then on his profile he would post something like, "That painting looks like sh--.  I know 5 year olds with more artistic talent than you.  Go kill yourself B--" 

Z has liked a few of my posts over the last few days.  He probably noticed that and now he's pissed off again. 

I still am scratching my head.  I know they say if you keep smelling crap check your shoe.  But I thought I eliminated a lot of the crap from my circle and also worked on the crap parts of myself.  I have no idea what he suddenly go up his ass. 

Earlier this week he posted something really nasty about me, using my real name, and how he just tried to help me but I'm too crazy for help.  I was so tempted to respond with some screenshots and be like, "This is you trying to help?"  He posted a while back about how much he loves his wife and how I will never have anyone who loves me again.  I was so tempted to respond and say something like, "Oh yea, your wife who you were ready to leave for L not too long ago?  Does she know about the home made porn you were planning on making with L, too?"  But I won't give him the satisfaction.  He wants a reaction. 

Jeez this was long...  If anyone actually read through all of that, kudos to you, lol. 


I know this post is old news...  but today I got a threatening text from Ed.  Out of the blue.  He's been blocked on Facebook since around January.  We haven't had a conversation in actual text messages since about 2018.  But today he texted me.  The text said word for word, "It would be in your best interest to tell L and your other friends to stop messing with me.  Consider this your first and last warning." 

L and I barely speak anymore.  We aren't close like we were.  We live in the same house but go days without saying a word to each other.  She pretty much burned her bridge with me over the last year.  The only reasons she's still here is because of K.  Her trashing my house while I was on vacation was my final straw as far as she's concerned. 

I don't know what she's been doing to Ed, and I don't care.  I cut all the negative people out of my life for a reason. 

I did call the non emergency number and talk to the cops, though.  I want it documented, if nothing else. 

He's been threatening to kill his ex girlfriend for years.  Her and I talked today too.  She is terrified of him.  I'm not scared of him because he's a loser who can't even get the money together to come here.  He lives a thousand miles away.  What the hell can he really do to me?  But she was in a relationship with him for about 4 years and he beat her and raped her on a regular basis through the whole thing.  So, she has a lot of PTSD.  People like him need to be locked up. 

CPPD kicks off tomorrow!  This is my favorite festival, by far.  It's not only a huge money maker, but the event is amazing.  The music is good.  The vendors are awesome.  The organizers are great.  The food is amazing.  I always pull several grand at this event.  And it doesn't feel like work. 

I colored my hair today, I cleaned, I got everything as ready to go as I can.  Tomorrow will be spend picking up prints, loading the van and setting up.  Then tomorrow night is the sponsor kickoff party.  I am a sponsor so I get my booth for free.  But I also make a huge donation to them every year. It's free to attend, so they rely a lot on donations.  They get thousands of people from all over the US. The sponsors get their booth for free and also get all kinds of perks.  We get really cool swag bags.  We get the best spots to set up.  We get to set up on Friday and they throw us this awesome party. 

After the party a bunch of us vendors are going out.  I can actually do that this year because I'm staying up there.  I rented a loft apartment above a motorcycle shop that is a 5 minute walk from the park where the festival is.  This weekend is going to be amazing.  I can already feel the electricity in the air. 

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The clerical end of running my business is never a problem for me.  But sometimes the formalities I have to go through are amusing.  It's that time of the year where the apps for next years festivals are being sent out.  So I am filling them all out.  Sometimes it's an actual form that you can type in and it's all digital.  But a lot of organizers literally just send an image of the vendor app that you can't type in.  Usually what I do in that case is email them back with all the info they ask for on the form just typed out in the email.  Name of Company: XYZ  Contact Name: My name.  Etc.  That usually is fine. But there is one app I did that for and I was told I need to actually print out the form on paper and fill it out and take a picture of it and send them.  And then when I do that they are most likely going to enter all the info into some digital document.  They have all the info they need typed out already in the email I sent them.  I am not mad or anything.  I just find it genuinely funny.  Like, I typed out everything.  But they need to see a picture of my handwriting on a piece of paper to make it legit. 

And my printer broke so I sent the PDF file to the print shop that does all my art prints and was like, "Hey guys, can you just print this out for me on a regular sheet of paper because my printer broke."  They will do it and probably not even charge me.  At least I get some exercise walking down there to pick it up.  🙂

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  • 3 weeks later...

So it's been a while since I posted here.  Mainly because life has been busy.  It's the high point of festival season right now and I've also been working 6 days a week at my day job. 

WF is in two weeks.  This is my second big money maker of the year.  It's always convenient that it's so close to CPPD.  My setup for WF is identical, too.  So everything is pretty much all gathered up, except for any new work I finish and the prints of said work. 

I get messages regularly from people who saw my work someone or just found it online.  People will message me and be like, "Hey, I just bought some of your prints at this or that shop, and your work is so amazing, etc."  I appreciate those messages and I always reply.  But it's not very often one of those messages makes me well up.  And today one did.  It was actually someone who saw me and interacted with me at CPPD.  Thousand of people attend that show, it's known across the country.  People travel from several states away for it.  So I don't always remember everyone I meet there.  This person is completely color blind, as in, they only see very muted colors.  My work is known for being really colorful.  I do black and white paintings.  But it's my color stuff that really is my bread and butter.  This person told me that after a lifetime of seeing only muted colors, looking at my work was the closest they ever got to being able to really experience colors.  They told me they even talked to their therapist about it and that it was something they couldn't stop thinking about since.  They said they wanted to reach out and tell me but didn't want me to think they're a weirdo or something.  I read this message couple times.  It was just such an uplifting message. 

I've known people who are completely color blind, like all they see are gray tones, who have taken psychedelics and said they could see colors while tripping.  Not like they looked around and the room was suddenly in color.  But they closed their eyes and the fractals they saw were in color. 

I've also had people in my booth on acid just staring at my paintings.  A lot of vendors would find that annoying but I love it when that happens.  People have told me they were tripping really hard and just got lost in my paintings at festivals.  I use true color LEDs to light my work and then I have color changing lights that I put at the top of my booth.  At night my booth just glows, and it changes colors. 

I love that I can give people that experience. 

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  • 3 weeks later...

So, this relationship I have with D...  And before I go into this I want to make the distinction.  D that I am writing about here is not my ex.  When I refer to people by letters here I usually use the actual first letter of their name when it's someone I like.  If it's someone I don't like the letter I use is usually the first letter of an insult.  I have referred to my ex (My vendor ex) on here as D in the past but D stands for Douchebag in that case.  D was also the first letter of one of the names he called himself.  His real name is Matthew.  But he called himself a lot of pretentious names and would get pissed if someone actually called him Matthew. 

D who I've been seeing... his name actually does start with a D.  So, as of now, when I write about D, it's him I'm talking about and not some Douchebag I dated from 2015 to 2019. 

But, what I have going with him has made me realize how guilty I feel for everything.  I never really realized how much I apologize for everything until now.  Yesterday I was so excited to be down at WF.  He is in Lincoln Nebraska right now, coming back from working in Colorado.  And I was sending him pics of my booth and talking about how excited I was, etc.  Well, he is not having a good trip back.  Since he left CO, it's just been one hiccup after another. He's had things stolen, etc.  It's a long story.  And yesterday I am talking about how excited I am, and then I apologized to him for talking about all that while he's not having a good day, etc.  And he told he I don't have to apologize.  He wants to hear about things that make me happy, etc. 

Well, yesterday didn't end up being a good day for me at the festival.  There is some weird juju in the air this year at WF.  I will write more about that later.  Today he was sending me pics of his breakfast at the truck stop he slept at last night.  And I was telling him I hope today makes up for yesterday because yesterday sucked, etc.  And then I apologized for being negative and complaining.  And he told me again that I don't have to apologize for just talking about my life.  He told me he is in my life for a reason and he actually likes knowing what is going on, etc.  Especially when he's out of town and lonely. 

This goes all the way back to when I was a kid and made to feel bad for simply existing.  This whole, "You came along and ruined everything." attitude that my parents had really did more damage than I realized.  And (this was more my dad than my Mom) but I was in trouble a lot just for talking.  If I had a good day at school or something funny happened at school or whatever, I would start telling my parents about it and my dad would tell me to stfu.  He would tell me he doesn't give a crap what happened at school, etc.  And if I was having a bad day and upset about something I was usually told, "Life is hard.  Deal with it.  I don't cry when I have a bad day.  Shut up."  Being raised like that made me a quiet person.  I learned to *** up real quick.  

Anyway, I have to leave and walk downtown.  Hopefully today makes up for yesterday ten fold. 

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