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Life On The Rocinante' (After Dark!)


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Title of this thread is the same as my blog... except the after dark part. I added After Dark because I most likely will write about things here that I don't write about in my Blog. Here I am anonymous... there I'm not.


So, now it's time to work my nerves a bit...


To M... Posting on facebook that you started your rag... Really? While your at it why don't you just post pics of some used tampons for all our enjoyment.


To B... The things you do that used to annoy me so much are starting to annoy me less and less. But, it's not that I've had a change of heart and see the error of my ways or anything... It's just that I CARE less and less.


Also to B... While you are sitting on your ass talking/typing about all the things you want to do, I am actually out doing the things I want to do. But you continue to criticize me.


To AZ, Would you be my friend at all if I didn't make good money? I love hanging out with you, but anymore every time I see you you expect me to spend it on you.


To A... this isn't working my nerves. But I still want to say it. Thank you for making me feel the way you have these last couple days.

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I don't know why I feel so anxious. But I wish it would go away. I wish I wasn't sitting here alone. Normally I enjoy my own company, but tonight I am just not feeling it. I couldn't go see the one person I wanted to see tonight. But that's ok. I have a feeling they are thinking about me anyway.

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I don't know what it is with me lately... been sad the last few days. I say sad and not depressed because in my experience the two are different. Depression usually has a reason... sadness doesn't need a reason. I'm just in a funk... can't shake it.


Maybe because I see so much sadness around me that it's starting to drag me down. I go to work every day and am surrounded by miserable people who hate their jobs and hate their lives. One of my closest friends just lost her job and is about to be homeless, and I've helped her all I can and now I'm at a point where I can't help her with certain things. This man I've know for ten years who I've invested a lot of time and emotion in is not the same person anymore... I realized last week that the person who came out of the coma is not the person I've known for ten years. And... add to that the face that I never see my husband. I have to drag my ass out of bed every day at AM and I hate it. My Documentary is currently on the shelf... Yea. There are a lot of things contributing to my sadness. It's not any one thing, it's a melting pot...


I haven't really had a good release either. I haven't cried in a while... I should be happy. I'm going to Europe! Why the hell can't I enjoy this?


As a kid when I was happy I was made to think it was a bad thing. So, I think as an adult I don't think I deserve the happiness I get. My life has been miserable... I've gotten used to it.


Right now as I was typing that last sentence, Dance of Death came on my iPod... how fitting. THIS is a big part of why I don't fear death. My life has been awful... I used to say "If I die tomorrow, I'll be happy." Now that has changed a little. I do have something to look forward to. I have my trip. So now when I think about death, I think "If I die right after my trip, I'll be happy.


I feel like a traveler who is stuck in a really crappy motel with no way out. I came here on some mission, but got stuck with bad surroundings. Now I just want to go home. I don't know what the mission is but I want to be done with it and check out of this awful hell hole.


I do try to work with what I have though, I give myself credit there. I change what I can when I see it fit to change it. Example... my job. I am not the happiest there, but right now it's paying the bills and making other things in life possible. So I don't really see it as something worth changing at the moment. I have to sacrifice something to get something, it's an even trade.


I also have to remember that it is not my job to be the scaffold for those around me who are falling. That is one of my mottos in life. It's harder to live by then what it seems... I am naturally a giving person and I don't want to see others suffer. But I also don't want to be their crutch either. Aimee and Brian are two people using me as a crutch... I know the right thing to do in the grand scheme of things is to let them both fall. But it's hard to do that.


Right now I just feel so done... with everything. I didn't want to get out of bed today. I don't want to be around people... I want to play my bass and cry and sleep.

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So... this day is almost over... I slept a fair amount today but I'm still exhausted.


I really hope that today is as bad as it gets, and this isn't just the tip of the iceberg.


I think it's time to do some house cleaning... It won't be easy but I need to distance myself from some of these people. Circumstance has put all my negative friends in a more accessible place. The emotional vampires live right down the street and are always home when I'm home... and they always want me to come over and hang out.


The positive friends live on the other side of town, too far to walk. And they work different hours then I do. So I don't get time with them like I want. Then there's my other friend who is more positive to be around... but she's a retail manager so she's not home a lot.


I'm going to start attending public zen meditations next week... I really need to get centered again.


And, I plan on trying to be more active in my town's art center... if it's not too expensive. I was an active member there a few years ago... but lack of time and money pulled me away. I took violin lessons there and used the potter's wheel a lot. There was even talk of me teaching a photoshop class there. But not enough people showed interest in it.


I need to meet some interesting people and get out of my house more to do some constructive things instead of hanging out with energy sucking drunks all the time.


She was texting me earlier and I wanted to wretch... literally. I was to the point where just seeing her name on my caller ID made me feel sick.


I was weak tonight though... I was weak and texted B and told him I haven't been talking these last few days because I've been depressed. He was understanding... I didn't keep the conversation going too long though... He at least deserved some explanation... I wouldn't want someone completely disappearing on me. So why would I do that to someone else?


I wish Pam didn't live so far away...




This video was the high point of my day. The literal Dance of Death about 9 minutes in actually made me forget about everything for a few seconds. Who would have thought Bruce D*ckinson twirling around dressed like the grim reaper would have that affect on me... Sometimes it doesn't take much.


Anyone is more then welcome to comment here... if they want to.

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I pay the rent, the cell phone bills and buy the groceries... and he throws a fit about asking to borrow $10 because I need to take a taxi to work today... Sorry for asking....


Since I'm such a regular customer maybe the driver will let me pay double tomorrow. They should know by now I'm good for it.

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^ No idea what was going on with the Ms and Ns in that post... I posted it from my phone so who knows. Sometimes I think my Android really is an Android... in the sense that it came equipped with artificial intelligence.


A few weeks ago I managed to take a picture of the ceiling in my apartment, and text it to one of my friends at like two in the morning... I was asleep, so how the phone did that on its own is a mystery to me.

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So, tonight I discovered that I never lost my talent for glow stick dancing. And I tried ice cream with potato chips in it,. I wished a good friend of mine a happy 40th and met some awesome interesting people.


Never a dull moment here on the Rocinante'.

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B was IMing me on facebook this morning... he asked how the party was. I told him it was fun. He asked if I "got any." I told him no. Then he wanted to know how many times I got hit on. I told him I didn't really, but this girl gave me her number after we were talking for a while.


He asked me if I found her on facebook. I said no. He said that if I was afraid to add her because of him I shouldn't be. He said he promised he wouldn't add her and start talking to her.


Great... now you finally get it. Unfortunately the damage is done it's its too little too late.

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To all of Aaron's buddies... I know none of you will actually see this, but I'm saying it just to get it out... Why do you all continue to hit on me after I regect you? I'm not the village doorknob. Everyone DOESN'T get a turn. Got it?



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So... last night didn't go as planned at all. I couldn't get a ride to public meditation. It's too far to walk.


I ended up at the exact place I shouldn't have been doing the exact thing I should have done. Now I feel awful but one good thing might have come out of this. My alcohol soaked conversation with B last night might prove to be a good thing. He IMed me and I really told him what I thought of him.


He keeps asking me why I've been so distant and so depressed... Well, it gets old investing time, energy and emotions into people who act like they don't give a crap. Maybe now that he heard the uncensored version of it, he will finally get the hint. Still too little too late though.


He asked me how my night was and I told him fine... then he just assumed out of nowhere that I must have slept with Aaron. So in his eyes apparently having a good night is synonymous with getting laid. Since in B's world sex is the number one priority. Believe me... if I would have slept with Aaron, I wouldn't have been cruel enough to come home and rub it in B's face. That's something he would do, I'm not like that.


I really need to slow down... I need to get in my center again, especially before leaving.

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Hey Cynder. I just found your journal and wanted to leave a little reassurance that I do find your life and writing interesting. I also really like your photography on your blog. Looks like you live in a beautiful area.


I'll be reading. See you around.

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I am concerned that you are knowingly doing things that are not in your best interests.


You have every right to be concerned... because in a way you are right.


I am trying to surround myself with more positive people... Lately I've been spending all this time hanging out at Aimee's house more because of Aaron then because of Aimee. I see him as a positive person... But the downside to that is he lives with her for the time being and so whenever I hang out with him I have to deal with her.


Him and I click really well. There aren't many people I can sit up all night talking to, even multiple times. Him and I have killed a few nights that way. We never run out of stuff to talk about. She keeps wondering why I haven't slept with him. She'll text me afterwords and be like "You had all that time alone with him and nothing?" But really, it isn't nothing.


He even told me during our last all nighter that he loves talking to me... and he could sleep with anyone but people he can really talk to like that are rare. So, I guess the feeling is mutual.


I feel like I need to turn off this infatuation I have for him... And I am infatuated... He has me completely enamored. I feel like if I keep allowing myself to feel this way it's only going to end in disaster. But at the same time I think if circumstance allowed it I could fall absolutely crazy in love with him. I know everyone feels that way in the haze of infatuation... But usually infatuation dies out quick when you spend enough time with someone and realize they aren't all they are cracked up to be. The more time I spend with him the more deep I get myself into this.


I don't know how he feels about me... I know he at least feels attraction for me and he likes our long talks.


And him and I have all this odd quirky stuff in common... I was diagnosed mentally ill at a young age and forced to take psych drugs all through my teen years. So was he. The two situations are a lot alike. His Mom died when he was 22. My Dad died when I was 22. It's just strange... all the parallels.


Idk... sorry DN. I know I started out answering you and went off on my own little tangent. But in short I think you are right. I hope he moves out of her place soon... He's already looking for another place.

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Hey Cynder. I just found your journal and wanted to leave a little reassurance that I do find your life and writing interesting. I also really like your photography on your blog. Looks like you live in a beautiful area.


I'll be reading. See you around.


I do!!! Live in a beautiful area that is... If I don't come home from Europe, it's sad to admit it, but I will miss the wetlands more then most of the people I know here. The wetland is one of my favorite places on Earth. I want my ashes scattered there after science has used me for whatever it has planned.


I love your Avatar, btw.

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I get amazed by my own ESP... even though I've always had it. I was sitting here a minute ago getting ready to turn my pod off when the current song was over. And out of nowhere I thought "House of the Rising Sun." It just popped into my head. Guess what song came on next?


This happens to me all the time. It happens a lot with forms of entertainment... songs, movies, certain episodes of TV shows. I could be thinking about a certain episode of the Simpsons or something... then a few minutes later flip on the TV, not even be looking for the Simpsons, and the Simpsons are on and it's that episode.


This happens to my brother too. We used to talk about it when we were younger and the rest of the family thought we were nuts. Ironically, we were both diagnosed with mental illnesses growing up.


This is something reported a lot by Synesthetes. And, there are a lot of cases of siblings with Synesthesia. As rare as the condition is, its still common to have more then one in a family. I really want to get my brother alone and start asking him if he sees sounds... etc.


Maybe when I make my film about this I can focus on him. Focusing on both of us would be cool... but I don't want to star in my own film. That's tacky.


I am still absolutely fascinated that all my mental quirks... or at least most of them... are things that are associated with having Synesthesia. Why in the hell did none of the shrinks notice this?


I wish I could show the world how I see it... I do, I wish everyone could have my senses for an hour or so. Trying to explain what it's like is like trying to explain red to a blind person. No one could ever understand. But, in return, I never could understand what it's like not having this. I can't even fathom not seeing sounds, not tasting words, not seeing letter and numbers as colored and as male or female.

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