Life On The Rocinante' (After Dark!)

[Cynder]

I'm liking the new Avatar.... it's about time I got Azrael in there. Since I'm in love with him and all.

[Cynder]

Jesus Christ... You're out of smokes so you cop an attitude with me in texts because I'm not jumping at the chance to get you some. I'm sitting here ready for bed because I have to be up at 4am. Why the hell can't you take no for an answer?

 

Know what I did when I lost my job and couldn't afford smokes anymore. I QUIT SMOKING!!! Yea, I know thats easier said then done. But I thought I would never quit and I did it. So I know you could if you had to.

[Cynder]

Cut myself open wide

Reach inside

Help yourself

To all I have to give

And then you help yourself again

And then complain that

You didn't like the way

I put the knife in wrong

You didn't like the way

My blood spilled on your brand new floor

 

Sacrifice my life

Neglect my kids and wife

All for you to be happy

All those sleepless nights

And countless fights to give you more

And then you say how dare that

I didn't write you back

I must be too good for you

I only care about myself

 

What would you say

If I walked away

Would you appreciate

But then it'd be too late

Because I can only take so much of your ungrateful ways

Everything is never enough

 

~ Dream Theater

 

This song is ringing way too true for me right now. Certain people in my life are just pushing and pushing. That song came on my iPod last night right after the text conversation I had with my friend about her being out of cigs.

 

I have a few friends who are out of work right now, and they all know I work all this overtime and make decent money. So it's always me they come to.

 

When I was out of work I never asked my friends for anything. I couldn't even imagine texting one of my friends when I know they are about to go to bed and asking them to bring me cigarettes because I'm out. But, I'm a giver not a taker. I don't ask for much from others.

 

I have one friend who sells her food stamps for beer money... That's sad to me on so many levels. The fact that she would rather drink then eat is the saddest thing about it. When my husband and I both lost our jobs within two weeks of each other in 2009, we applied for food stamps and were denied them. We had no income coming in, but they said since we don't have kids they can't help us. But here's this chick who's childless, jobless, and not even making much effort to get another job, getting food stamps and using them to support her alcoholism.

 

I know someone else who has a medical card. When she wants to go out partying but doesn't have money, she fakes a migraine headache, gets some percocet or vicodin, and sells them.

 

And I know a lot of people with Taxi passes too who don't really need them. Here I am, with a documented medical condition that keeps me from driving, and I can't get a Taxi pass. I pay full price for my cab rides every time I go somewhere. Then you got these lazy asses who don't work and use their taxi pass for a free ride to the bar. It costs me $10 to get to work every day. That's one way too, that isn't there and home.

 

Idk... it's upsetting seeing people who are just lazy getting a free ride through life while I bust my ass and get nothing.

[Cynder]

Yes, thanks miss total stranger driving the taxi, you made me feel like crap about myself first thing in the morning. Who the hell are you to tell me what to do with my life? You tell me people who went to college are stupid, then you point out that my college degree has put me here at the machine shop. Yea, I get it. I'm a loser. (Well in your eyes anyway, lol.) You've know me ten minutes and want to judge me, but I'm the idiot who wasted my time, money and effort on college. Gotcha.

[Cynder]

So... where do I start? Last night B and I got into a huge fight. Aimee and I also got into an argument... And I didn't even get laid.

 

I was supposed to go over to Aimee's and watch Meet The Feebles with Aaron. He invited me... So I get home from work, get changed and cleaned up and stuff, and as I'm getting ready to leave, B starts texting me. The conversation started out fine. He just got an Android and he was telling me he was still getting used to it and stuff.

 

And I was telling him my Droid won't work when I'm in Europe so I'll probably have to get a track phone when I'm over there. And then we started talking about my trip... He told me he knows I'm thinking of running away and he would be really upset if I didn't come back, not mad, just upset.

 

...

 

I feel like this would be more effective if I just type out what we said to each other.

 

B: You know I would be upset, really upset. Not mad, just upset.

 

B: Is is because of Adam?

 

Me: It's because of everything.

 

B: Hope not because of me. You will have hard times no matter where you go. Running won't solve anything.

 

Me: No, but staying won't solve much either.

 

B: You have a good job, and you have me.

 

Me: I don't have a good job. I have a slave job in a freaking sweat shop.

 

B: At least you aren't flipping burgers for minimum wage. It could be worse. If it comes down to it, move in with us!

 

Me: I'll just come right out and say it... You are a contributor to why I feel this way, just like other people in my life are.

 

B: Time heals all. You need to cut ties with all the bad people in your life. But I better not be one of them.

 

Me: Why? I just said you're a contributor too. What makes you so special that I should cut ties with all of them and keep you?

 

B: I have no answer for that. I sent the text about cutting ties before I got that message.

 

B: I'm not using you like a bank account like other people are, and I listen.

 

Me: You listen when it's convenient for you. If I have something to say that you don't want to hear it's a whole other story.

 

Me: No, you aren't using me like a bank account, but you think my facebook is your personal meat market.

 

B: And you must be in the mood to argue.

 

Me: No, I'm not. See this is exactly what I'm talking about. Something you don't want to hear so you're turning it around on me.

 

Me: The big kicker was you wanting to take Aimee down to Athens to pick up Vito when he gets out of prison.

 

Me: Why do you have to be so pushy with my friends? Why do I have to share them all with you?

 

B: Then I won't take her down there. I already told you that. I haven't talked to her in weeks because of how she treats you.

 

Me: No, you haven't talked to her in weeks because her internet got shut off and she hasn't been online.

 

Me: See what I mean though, you don't even want to take me to the airport an hour away but you're willing to drive someone you don't even know three hours?

 

Me: And the fact that you go through my friends list and add random people is creepy. I'm not the only one that thinks so.

 

B: I'm pissed about how she treats you like an atm.

 

B: I told you I would take you! It was Mica and the truck stopping me.

 

B: Then delete me then.

 

B: I don't talk to your friends on facebook unless they comment on my status.

 

B: Did you have a bad day or something? We were talking and having a good conversation and then wham, you nailed me to the wall.

 

Me: Yep, it's all on me. Just like it always is, huh?

 

Me: And that isn't the only time you talk to them.

 

Me: Yea, you told me you would take me to the airport and then a week later asked me how I was getting there.

 

Me: My whole reason for asking you was because I wanted you to be the last person I say goodbye to. I thought you would be honored.

 

B: Memory loss from the coma.

 

B: I was honored. And I told you I wanted you to come with us to pick up Vito so I could see you.

 

Me: That's such BS. If you wanted to see me how come you never mentioned it? I heard about it from Aimee three weeks later.

 

B: Know what? I don't want to argue with you. It doesn't solve anything.

 

B: Was all excited about this phone and the first person I texted was you and we got into an argument.

 

Me: Haven't you noticed that I've been backing off from you since the whole airport thing?

 

B: I don't want you to feel like that. Do you know how many times I've got out of the shower and cried after seeing myself in the mirror? How many times I want to kill myself because since I was in the hospital I can't do all the things I love to do? I can't even go for a freaking walk anymore.

 

B: I am so damn ashamed of letting myself get to the point of almost dying. And how I look now. Why would anyone even want to be seen in public with me. I have to deal with the way people look at me every day. Look how many of your friends have told you you could do way better then me.

 

B: Sometimes I think it would be easier to take all my pills at once and never wake up.

 

Me: I hate how I look too. At least you have a medical excuse.

 

B: You don't know how beautiful you are. You get hit on constantly by guys and girls, so don't even say that.

 

That's the end of it pretty much. He had to leave and wasn't going to have his phone on him.

 

Idk... I wasn't falling for the whole "I wanna kill myself" guilt trip. I don't think he really wants to kill himself. His medical problems have changed how he looks, but not that much. He's not disfigured or anything, but to hear him talk you'd think he was. He was in really good shape and took excellent care of himself before his illness. And now he can't work out or do anything too strenuous. Not for now anyway... He's not completely recovered. And he used to have long hair. When he was in the coma the nurses buzzed it all off because they didn't want to have to take care of it. And Mica gave them the go ahead to do that which really pissed him off.

 

So, I'm going to pick this up in the next post.

[Cynder]

So... Last night I went to Aimee's to watch Meet The Feebles. Showed up at around 5. Sat around BSing for an hour or so. Then Aaron got a text from this guy he knows who's having a party downtown. We decided to go down there. Aimee didn't really want to go, but we talked her into it.

 

So we get down there. Everyone is having a good time except her. She was pissed that they didn't have more booze and more food out. The cops showed up at one point because there was a fight outside. I met this girl who called me her twin. One of my co workers was there who works second shift. She called off from work and begged me not to tell on her. A bunch of us were standing outside after the cops left and some lady came out and yelled and Aaron and I because he was supposedly sucking on my boob. He wasn't. I guess someone there was on acid or something, lol.

 

So, that party ended, and we all went to this guy's house for the after party.

 

Aimee was complaining about wanting to leave. She grabbed me at one point and tried to pull me out the door. I told her I was having a good time and not ready to go yet. Aaron wasn't ready to go yet either so she started pouting. She was sitting next to me on the couch and she kept saying "This sucks... I wanna go." and stuff like that.

 

I went upstairs to use the bathroom. I'm sitting on the toilet taking a piss and Aimee comes busting through the door and she's like "I don't care what Aaron says I'm Gertin'' the F out of here. He can kiss my ass!" before I even had time to react, she turned around and ran down the stairs. By the time I finished doing my business, washed my hands and went downstairs, she was gone.

 

Aaron told me she shoved him, took the backpack with his cigarettes and all our beer in it, and ran out of the house. I texted her and asked if she was ok. What followed was a drunken argument between her and I that was hilarious when I read it this morning but was awful when it was happening.

 

She called me at one point crying because she said I think she's a bad person. I tried telling her I don't think that. She said I wasn't being loyal to her because a piece of ass was clearly more important. I kept trying to tell her I didn't know what the hell was going on because I was upstairs.

 

She took off and clearly didn't remember that Aaron had the key to the house. So I get this text from my friend Shannon who lives right by her. He told me she knocked on his door crying because she couldn't get in and he offered to let her come inside there but she didn't want to. So she broke into the downstairs window and crawled inside her apartment.

 

So then, Aaron and I leave this place at like 4am. And the walk home was long. We were all the way on the north end of town, a couple miles away from the house. But we made it home. She was all pissed off when we got there. She came downstairs in her jeans and bra and screamed at both of us for waking her up.

 

So, he decides to put Meet the Feebles in, lol. I forgot all about it. Our original plan for the night was to drink a few beers and watch Meet the Feebles. By this time it's like 5am. So we start watching the movie, and we both fell asleep on the couch.

 

I woke up at around 7am and so did he. We sat there and talked for a little bit, then both went back to sleep. So, didn't get laid, lol. But I guess I can technically say I slept with him.

 

Aimee and I made up this morning.

 

One of her cats, Butterfinger, was killed last night in the road. Shannon found him this morning. I'm glad I didn't walk the way I usually walk home when I left. I would have seen him all bloody and mangled and I didn't want to see that.

[Cynder]

[video=youtube_share;b2eUxsXPbuc] ]

 

Ohmigods I'm so glad I finally found this!!! It's from the early 200s I think. One of my favorite comercials ever.

[DrKitten]

Wow, drama seems to enjoy finding its way to you for some reason. At least you had a mostly fun time and got to sleep next to him.

 

Poor cat.

[Cynder]

Wow, drama seems to enjoy finding its way to you for some reason. At least you had a mostly fun time and got to sleep next to him.

 

Poor cat.

 

There's always drama when Aimee is around... I've worked with her before and trouble always surrounded her at work even. It's mainly because if she doesn't get her way she just whines and moans and eventually thriws a fit.

 

And yea, sleeping beside him was pretty nice. I'm a little bummed out that nothing else happened. But I guess last night nothing was meant to. He did have her text me this morning (he's out of minutes on his phone) and ask me to bring MtF over with me again next weekend since we both fell asleep watching it and he still wants to see it.

 

He paod back the $20 he owed me last night and I said "Aw man, I was just gonna have you work it off." And he was like "Ok then!" and took it away from me. And then the whole way up the street we were passing this 20 back and forth. I let him keep it in the end because I wasn't really worried about it. He's job hunting right now, he needs it more then I do. But now I'm worried that he thinks I'm actually paying him to sleep with me, lol. When that does finally happen between us I hope that won't be in the back of his mind. I want him to because he wants to, you know. Probably a dumb thing to worry about, lol.

 

Yea, RIP Butterfinger.

[Cynder]

I came home from work excited that you are home and we can spend some time together. I said Hi, you didn't answer. Thought maybe it was just a fluke. I took the dog out for his walk, came back inside and asked if I could take you out to dinner or something tonight. You didn't answer me.

 

Took a nap, woke up and said something to you. No answer. So I got irritated and said "Ok why in the hell won't you speak to me?" Of course, no answer. Big shock.

 

I freaking hate it when you do this. After 8 years together you would think you would have grown out of this silent treatment crap. Grow the hell up!

[Cynder]

[video=youtube_share;Pgum6OT_VH8] ]

 

Every time I hear this song, it reminds me of how much I want to stay in Europe when I get there.

 

Aaron told me if I don't come back I better send him a one way ticket over there, lol. I wonder if he was really serious. He's said it multiple times, so who knows.

[Cynder]

Why is it that on nights when I am out late or just up late, it's easier to get out of bed the next day? I'm miserable on those days... but it's generally easier to wake up. On days when I go to bed early and get a nice full night of sleep, I am dragging so bad the next morning. Today all I could think about was just calling off from work and going back to bed. I'm not doing that... but it was so hard to get up. I hit my snooze alarm and everything, which is something I rarely do.

 

I have this weekend off. Going to a Ren Faire Saturday... I can't wait to try out my new camera there.

 

I'm sitting here thinking that it's only Tuesday... How the hell am I going to get through the week? I am really starting to dislike my job. What I do in itself isn't bad at all... It's all the crap that comes with it. I hate getting up this early for one. But the people I work with are just so miserable. All that negative energy rubs off on me pretty quick. And the place itself... It's dark in there, dirty, hotter than hell... It's just not a nice place to spend 8 hours a day.

 

Vito gets out of prison tomorrow. It will be interesting to see how things change now.

[Cynder]

The message I got from Kitty put me in such a negative mood. I was having a decent day today too. I can't really explain why it affected me the way it did, it just did.

 

I hadn't hung out with her in a long time. She's always saying how she likes my stories. So I tell a few stories and talk about some things that are on my mind, and now she's pissed off at me and doesn't want me to go to the reformatory.

 

I'm just in a sad kind of mood right now. I slept most of the evening away, for one. I hate when that happens. I laid down to take a nap, forgot to set the alarm, and woke up like four hours later. So much I could have gotten done tonight but sleep claimed me for it's own I guess. I don't get enough of it, so I suppose it was a good thing in a way.

 

Vito gets out of prison tomorrow. I wonder how this will change the dynamic there. I am hoping him being home will get Aimee off the blow. But somehow I doubt it. If anything he will just enable her. Hell... look what he's doing time for.

 

And... yea, this is cheesy, but I'm also bummed out that when he gets out I won't see Aaron as much. Aimee and Vito and Mike are all three getting a place together and it's already been pre decided that Aaron is not welcome there. It's mainly because of all the bad blood between him and Mike. So where's he going to go then? He was laid off from his job and is having a hard time finding another one. Unemployment isn't enough to live on, especially when trying to get a new place. And his unemployment is about to run out anyway. He has plenty of friends that aren't going to let him sleep on the street.

[Cynder]

We are alone and I am on your couch wanting to attack you. You are playing Call of Duty Black Ops. Most women would be pissed off or annoyed. I'm not most women. I'm. Having fun watching you.

[Cynder]

Vito never made it home yesterday. and at this point no one has heard from him. He's missing in action.

[Cynder]

Vito still isn't home. Everyone is wondering what's going on with him.

 

I got all this time to kill... should I write or paint or play my bass?

[Cynder]

So... I wrote. That's how I killed my time.

 

I have a pretty good short story going.

 

Saturday I was supposed to go to a Ren Faire, but now I don't know if I can go... This was planned months ago. I put my request in at work a month ago. (Didn't want to put it in too early.)

 

I get to work today, and I am told Saturday is mandatory and I have to be there. I tried to meet them half way. I talked to the shift supervisor and told him I would work half a day and leave at 10am. He said he would see what he could do. But then he asked why I needed the time off. I told him my friends and I go to this Faire every year and I missed the last one with them because I had to work. And he said since it's not a family event it will be hard. He told me the "powers that be" will have a hard time letting me have time off for something like that.

 

All along I'm thinking "What the hell is it any of your business why I want the day off?" I work all this damn overtime don't I. Jeez...

 

So, end of the day, I was turning in all my paperwork, and he came up to me and said "I got you covered for Sunday." I told him it's Saturday I need off, not Sunday. And he stood there and tried to argue with me and say I asked for Sunday.

 

In the end, he told me he would "work on it."

 

This pisses me off.

 

... ... ...

 

Still no word from Kitty. It sucks that I am waiting to hear back from her to see if she will "let me" go to the reformatory. Why the hell should it be that way? This is something I've looked forward to since October...

 

She takes herself too seriously. We are not professional Ghost Hunters. We are two women with a fascination/curiosity about the paranormal. The way I see it, we are going, and if we have some weird experiences I will be happy. I will be ecstatic if we catch something on film/audio/photo. If nothing happens, well, at least we can say we were there and we did it. Not a lot of people get to do something like this.

 

She doesn't have the same laid back attitude though. She has the tickets, she is driving... So, it's her decision in the end. I can't stop her from selling my ticket.

 

I do have all the AV equipment though. It's my high end SLR camera that was going to capture all the creepy stuff... I also have both the camcorders we were taking, both of which have night vision. And if I don't go, I hope she realizes she's not using my stuff.

 

I really hope I still get to go.

[Cynder]

So, I am up getting ready for work and you are sitting on the couch smoking a cigarette. I tried to have a conversation about this stuff going on at work with you. We work at the same place, so I thought you might have some sympathy. But no, of course not. You just sat there smoking your cig and didn't even look at me. What the hell is the point anymore? We rarely see each other and when we do you ignore me.

 

It's not like I expect all your attention all the time. But you could at least look at me when I'm speaking to you... or here's a thought... maybe even answer me.

 

I guess I should keep on dreaming.

 

Maybe when I get back from Europe it's time to start apartment hunting.

[DN]

Maybe when I get back from Europe it's time to start apartment hunting.

Maybe you should be saying that in real life.

[Cynder]

@ DN, maybe that would get a reaction out of him... since he ignores everything else I say.

[Cynder]

I opened my phone expecting to see a text from B. But it was actually a text from Aaron. That made my day. He has never texted me before.

[Cynder]

My dog died tonight... I will miss him greeting me every day when I get home from work. I will also miss taking him for walks... and all the laughs he gave me. Rest in Peace baby boy. You will be forever loved and missed.

[Cynder]

So, last night I went over to Aimee's and there were a bunch of people over. She was being really nasty to Aaron. Like everything he did was wrong.

 

He told me he was sorry but he might have to leave for a little while. I told him there was no need to apologize.

 

Then his friend showed up and they were getting ready to leave. I had to go inside and use the bathroom and I was walking up the stairs and he came walking up behind me and told me he really isn't trying to be an ass. He said he knows he invited me over and then turning around and leaving is kind of a douchebag move. But he needed to get away from Aimee for a little while and he wanted me to come with him but then she would want to go too. I told him it was all good. I could see why he needed to get away from her because she was being really nasty to him last night.

 

So We were all out by the fire a few minutes later and him and his friend and this other guy were getting ready to leave, and he came up to me and said he would be back in a couple hours and he gave me a hug and a kiss in front of like ten people. That shocked the hell out of me. He's just not a PDA kind of person.

 

So then it's just me and Aimee. Everyone else went on there way. And she won't stop bugging me to text Aaron and ask why we (we, meaning her and I) weren't good enough to go with him. And I kept dodging her. She was like "Give me your phone and I'll text him then." I wouldn't give her my phone and she started getting all pissy with me. Finally I just had to be firm with her and I told her "I'm not going to bug him all night. If he wanted us to go, he would have invited us."

 

So, even though we had a nice camp fire going and it was a beautiful night last night, she starts saying she wants to leave and go to the bar. So we went and got some food and split a pitcher.

 

We were sitting there eating and she was like "He gave you a hug and a kiss goodbye like your his girlfriend. He's got a thing for you, you know that right?"

 

Well honestly, no I didn't know that. But I'm not complaining because it's mutual. She told me he actually told her he likes me. He said he can relate to me better then most people because of all the things we have in common. My dad was a Biker and so was his Dad... we both were labeled as mentally ill as teenagers. He has problems with his eyes that are similar to my problems... etc.

 

So that made me feel like I was on cloud nine... I didn't really know how he felt about me before.

 

So then we went back to her place and got the fire going again. Sat outside talking for a long time. Then I got the phone call from Adam... He told me that the dog was dead.

 

So, Shannon gave Aimee and I a ride to my place. We buried him next to Osky and Vlad (my two dead cats.) We put some dog treats in the grave with him and I lit a stick on incense and put it in the ground when the hole was filled. That's something I always do when one of my animals dies. It's tradition...

 

So, she went home and I went to bed...

 

I woke up this morning and there was a text from Aaron telling me he was sorry to hear about my dog.

Adam is upset with me for not making the coffee right this morning. Hell, anymore he's always upset with me about something.

 

I'm going to a Ren Faire today... I'm ready to have a good time today despite all this stuff...

[DrKitten]

I'm sorry to hear about your dog. Do you know what he died from?

 

Have fun today!

[Cynder]

@ drkitten, probably old age. I don't know exactly how old he was because he was passed around from owner to owner to owner for a long time before I adopted him. But he was an old dog. It was obvious when looking at his teeth. He didn't have any health problems that I know of. I think it was just his time to go. He lived a good life with me. I adopted him in 2006. Everyone keeps asking me if I'm going to get a new dog. Not now. Eventually I'm sure, but he's not just something that can be replaced.