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Life On The Rocinante' (After Dark!)


Cynder
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T Iamazes me... worked in this hell hole for eight months with no write ups or warnings or anything... yet I still come in here seven days a week and am made to feel like nothing but a worthless piece of crap. I can't wait to get the hell out of here.

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Ok... another reason to hate my job: Aaron invited me to come down to Nashville tonight and spend the night with him. Of course I would LOVE to. I haven;t even seen him since like two weeks before I left for Europe. I've missed him like crazy. But... I have to work tomorrow. Go figure.

 

Aside from my job though... I guess he might be moving back into town. I really hope so...

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I need to get the hell out of here before something really bad happens. I'm not in any danger, it's not like that... I'm just tired of this crap.

 

Last night I woke up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and went to look at my phone to see what time it was. Well, my phone was off for some reason. It didn't take long to discover that it was dead... charger wasn't working for whatever reason. Adam was awake so I asked him what time it was. No answer. So I sit there and fight with my charger for a few minutes trying to get it to work since my phone is also my alarm clock. I was getting frustrated and I asked Adam again what time it was. He wouldn't answer me. So since I couldn't get my phone to work I asked him if he could at least set his alarm for me so I could get up for work. He did it, but didn't say anything and was really unhappy about it.

 

Today I had plans to go hiking with Eric out in the swamp. I knew this was Adam's weekend to work so I didn't think he would be here. Now before anyone reading this gets the wrong idea... Eric and I have known each other since high school. We are very close but nothing other then friends. And just for the record, he's gay.

 

So I get home from work today and Eric is waiting on my porch. He told me right away that plans had changed and we couldn't go hiking. But that's ok, we can hang out here and then go out to dinner later. So I go upstairs, and as soon as I open the door, I hear Adam yell at me that he isn't dressed. He was sitting in his bathrobe on the couch... at 3pm.

 

So Eric and I went to the back part of the apartment where we couldn't see Adam. I was still in my nasty work clothes... And I was planning to go into the bathroom and change. Adam stopped me and said he doesn't want any company right now. So I asked Eric to go sit on the porch for a few minutes while I change my clothes and wash my face.

 

Eric and I hung out on the porch for a while, then when we were getting ready to leave he had to use the bathroom. So I went back inside. Adam is standing there naked in the kitchen getting a drink of water. And I said "Hey can he just come in and use the bathroom?" His response "Look at me. No he can't." And I said "Well why don't you just go in the bedroom for a minute or something?" He told me no. So I had to tell Eric he couldn't come inside and use the bathroom.

 

Then Adam gets all mad and says I didn't have to tell him no. And so I said "Well what else was I supposed to tell him?" And I was asking this honestly, not being a smartass. He said "Oh screw it. What's the use?" Then him and I proceed to argue about me having company over on his day off. I tried to tell him I thought he would be at work. This resulted in me being made to feel like an idiot because he says he never works Sundays. Well uh... I work the same place as him and he does work Sundays. We all do.

 

So, Eric and I went out... I get back and I need to charge my phone. I had to plug it in in the bathroom to make it work for whatever reason., I assumed the charger was still in the bathroom. I went in there to look for it and accidentally knocked his electric razor over. He got all pissed off about that. Then I asked him if he knew where my charger was. He wouldn't answer me. So I said it again and he was like "WAIT!"

 

Then like ten minutes later he comes into the living room, lifts some stuff up from the trunk, and says "If you would move stuff around you might find it!" Well how the hell was I supposed to know where he put it? Especially when it was under other stuff?

 

I'm sick of this... I need to get the hell away from him and this place. I was supposed to look at an apartment this week sometime, but the guy hasn't called me back.

 

I used to go to Aimee's when I needed to get away. Now I can't even do that because she doesn't live on her own anymore and she's always high on freaking bathsalts anyway so she isn't even good company anymore.

 

Aaron is definitely moving back though... Him and his roommate Jeremiah are looking for a third person to share a house with. The idea of me moving in with them has been brought up... and not even by me. Idk though... I like Aaron and I'm pretty sure he still likes me even if I haven't seen him in a while. I think living together would be a bad idea right now.

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So... there is an exhibition coming up at a Gallery in my town that highlights fantasy work. Today I'm going to check into submitting some of my work. It's refreshing to see that here... since most galleries around here only want to show painting of barns and landscapes.

 

Today is the one year anniversary of my Grandpa's death. I know this sounds so cold hearted of me... My whole family is upset today. My Mom doesn't even think she can handle going to work. I just don't see it the same way as them. I know it's because I have such a different outlook when it comes to Death. To me, getting upset and crying about the one year anniversary of his death is pointless. I would rather be happy today and honor his memory. Instead of sitting at home crying I think I might go sit at the table he sat at at his favorite bar and have a PBR (what he drank) with him. I mean that symbolically of course. He was old... he lived a good life. I am not mourning today because I know wherever he is now is so much better then here.

 

B is going to be alone all weekend without Mica and the kids. And I have Sunday off. He wants me to come over and basically spend the weekend in bed with him. I politely declined. I was polite, but I was really thinking "What part of no don't you get?" I ended that with him but it's like he doesn't get it.

 

Aimee found another job... and was laid off after three days. This place is notorious for doing that though. They bring in all these temps when they have a big deadline to meet or something... then once the deadline is met they let them all go. I know so many people who worked there for a few days or so... Maybe being unemployed for a while will be sobering for her (in more ways then one....) She isn't snorting coke now because she can't afford it. Maybe this detox by default is what she needs for a while. She has a safe place to stay, so she's actually pretty lucky.

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Good luck with the exhibition, Cynder! It's always nice to see a show that feels like it "fits" you. There is not much of an "outside the box" art scene in my hometown either, unfortunately.

 

And that sounds like a damn fine way to honor your grandfather. Celebrate him and his life!

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Good luck with the exhibition, Cynder! It's always nice to see a show that feels like it "fits" you. There is not much of an "outside the box" art scene in my hometown either, unfortunately.

 

And that sounds like a damn fine way to honor your grandfather. Celebrate him and his life!

 

Good luck with the submissions Cynder, you need to show your art.

 

Thanks to you both. I need to go down to the gallery Monday and talk to someone... Since my work is mostly in a digital format I'm not sure how to actually submit it for them to look at. I don't want to spend the money to have high quality prints made until I know for sure that my stuff is in the show.

 

I had a good time tonight... I sat at the bar at Grandpa's table like I said I would... And my Uncle, Mom, Sister, and Grandpa's best friend all showed up to sit at that table too. It was pretty cool.

 

My Documentary is back on... just when I thought I might have to throw in the towle... I have a camera and editing software. It happened so fast... I just wish this could have resolved itself when it was still warm out. I was hoping to get the majority of my interviews with people done in the summer when weather isn't an issue. Oh well.

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Things around here have been pretty interesting this weekend...

 

Adam and I got into a huge fight today that started out about the trash and ended up about everything else. It started out because apparently we have different ideas of what a "full" trash can is. He was pissed that I didn't empty the trash, but to me it didn't seem full enough to empty yet. Things like this have been an ongoing problem all through our relationship. Mundane things like cooking and cleaning are not fun for us. He is really picky... he expects everything done a certain way and I better do it that way or I get in trouble. To me, it doesn't matter how it gets done as long as it gets done. In otherwords, the direction that I sweep the kitchen floor has nothing to do with how clean it is once its swept. He insists it be swept left to right.

 

So... as expected, I get tired of being criticized every time I clean... so I don't clean as much. I figure, if I can't do it right, let him do it. Then he gets mad at me for not cleaning more.

 

He empties the trash when it's at a certain level... I empty it when I think it needs emptied.

 

So it started about the trash... but ended up being a huge blowout. I told him a lot of things. I told him I've been looking for an apartment. I told him the way he acted the morning I left was just too much for me and I've basically had it. He asked me if I even still want to stay married and I said I honestly don't know anymore. I told him I've never been good enough for him and after 8 years I've just had enough. I've never made enough money, I've never been a good enough housekeeper, I've never been pretty enough, smart enough, cool enough, talented enough... anything enough.

 

He told me if we split up he will never recover. I don't think that's the case...

 

Fore me... I don't think of it as recovering... I won't ever be the same again. But that doesn't have to be a negative.

 

Once I set my mind to something I refuse to be stopped. He has a real problem with this. He is still upset that I went to Europe... today he says it was because "not everyone is lucky enough to be able to do stuff like that." and "We have other things to take care of here in the US." whatever that means...

 

He is also pissed off about my Documentary. His films are more important I guess... even though he hasn't gotten off his ass and done anything with them in over a year. I guess that should all be on me.

 

He complained that whenever things get really bad I am just ready to pack up my stuff and leave. Yes, I was ready to leave when he was physically abusive... Yes, I was ready to leave when he was cheating... and yes, I am ready to leave now. He said this is really hurtful and at least in all the years we've been together he's never threatened to leave. When I am putting the process in motion to leave, I don't even think of it as a threat, I think of it as myself getting out of a bad situation.

 

The opportunity to buy a really amazing camera fell into my lap this weekend. It's a film camera, worth 5k, that this guy is selling for a grand. I have been texting the guy asking him questions about it, getting info, etc. Adam is upset with me about that... I shouldn't be buying a camera... we have more important things to worry about. Ok... he wants his films done. He still needs to shoot some stuff on one. Having a camera might help him out there. And he says this to me after just buying a PS3 and a bunch of games. His defense was that he is paying for it in payments. Well, this guy is letting me pay for the camera in payments too. I'm a film maker... I'm not some poser who wants to pretend to be a film maker so they can get chicks and pass off all the actual work to others. I am thinking about what I need to do to better myself as a film maker. I work 60 hours a week and I make good money. If I can afford this camera, whats the problem?

 

I will have to wait till Wednesday to submit my stuff to the gallery. They aren't open Mondays and Tuesdays. There's an entry form online which isn't coming up when I click it for whatever reason.

 

And... this is still a shocker to me. B and Mica split up. Well, as of now they are split anyway.

 

The Twins' Bday was this weekend. Friday night I spent the evening over there hanging out with him and the kids. Mica is in Florida by herself right now. He is pissed that she didn't wait until after their bday to leave on her trip. They were arguing all night in texts.

 

Then yesterday I was supposed to go over there because I said I would take them out to Coldstone for their BDay. But that fell through because their grandma showed up unexpected to give them presents. She had a long drive to get there, so we canceled our plans so they could hang out with Grandma.

 

Today he has been texting me all day telling me he's about done with her. She hasn't bothered to call and wish her kids a happy bday and he's really pissed about that. He texted me a little bit ago and told me he sent her a text that said "Goodnight, and goodbye, have fun being single."

 

He told me that and even though I felt sorry for hi I was thinking "By text? Really?" But she hasn't bothered texting back according to him... so she must not care too much.

 

Aimee texted today asking to borrow money. I ignored her. I know that's wrong, but if I even answer her back its over. If she gets any bite whatsoever when asking for money she will just bug me and bug me and bug me until I give in to shut her up. Most times I don't give in... but her persistence annoys the hell out of me.

 

I am so confused about everything right now...

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In all that post, the thing that sticks is there are two kids without a mother or a Happy Birthday. Are those his children also? I hope they were with their real dad on their Birthday.

 

Is B now your guy? Where do you see that going?

 

Yea, they are his kids. Him and his Mom (their Grandma) made sure they had a nice birthday, I still owe them Coldstone too, lol. I will take them probably some night this week.

 

No, B is not my guy. I stopped sleeping with him about a month before I went to Europe... And I officially told him that was over right after I got back. We will always be good friends though. I don't think that will ever change.

 

He wasn't happy that I ended it... He regrets doing the one thing that caused me to end it, I know that. He has made comments like "I didn't know that was the reason until it was too late." etc...

 

I've been out of bed an hour today and I've already pissed Adam off. He got up a few minutes ago and asked me if I called my taxi yet. I told him I didn't need to today because my Mom gives me a ride to work on Mondays. He was like "How was I supposed to know that?" I said "Well I didn't expect you to know that, but now you do." But for some reason now he's all mad. Why the hell is he so worried about whether I called a taxi yet? My Mom takes me on Mondays because she also had to be in at 6am also and it's right on the way.

 

Idk man... it's getting so exhausting and annoying pissing him off every day. All I have to do is breath wrong anymore.

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Cynder, I really enjoy reading about your adventures and life. You're very honest in your writing and that's something to appreciate.

 

Thank you... Honesty has become less and less valued over time. Most people don't want to hear/read the truth.

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He will never get over it if you leave but then gets all annoyed because you didn't call a taxi when you didn't need one.

 

Yea... I don't understand it either.

 

Last night was the first time in a long time that we were home together and he didn't get mad at me for something.

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Last night B was on facebook crying to one of my friends about whats going on with him and Mica... This is one of my friends who he hasn't even met but insisted on being up her ass on Facebook all the time. He knows I ended it with him because of this.

 

I made a comment about it to him in texts, and he didn't see the humor at all. He was texting me talking about how he needs to get laid now that he's single. And I told him to go see this friend of mine that he was talking to on Facebook. He texted back "Yea, just go on and on about it."

 

Oh well... I know exactly what he was trying to do. He was just annoyed that I was on to it.

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So, last night Dusty texted me about his camera again. He's giving me a really sweet deal here. Not only do I get the camera but I get the boom mic, all the cables, the case, the remote, all his extra batteries, etc... (This is all stuff he bought, it didn't come with the camera.) He's also throwing in some software.

 

The only downside is the camera has a messed up touch screen. There are ways around it though... You don't need the touch screen to record. And the remote can be used in place of the touch screen anyway. The touch screen is fixable, but to have it fixed I would have to ship the camera off to Sony.

 

Ironically enough, B also wants to sell me his camera. He just bought it, and can't figure out how to use it. I think he's realizing that he made a frivolous purchase.

 

So now I have to figure out how to come up with a grand. I doubt Dusty will let me make payments.

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I could ask... but I know he's selling this bundle of stuff because he desperately needs the money. He has a newborn at home and as far as I know his wife is unemployed. So making payments might not be worth his while consodering nthe situation.

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So, since I was moved to a different department at work (again...) I have been dealing with a co worker who has some issues. Don't get me wrong, I realize we all have issues... but this person's issues are affecting my job. Maybe it's not all her fault... she could just be a victim of the mental health industry... She's on all these psych drugs, Xanax and Paxil being two that I know of for sure. She claims to be bipolar and have anxiety disorder. She's worked there a month and she's already been moved out of one cell because the cell leader got tired of her constant anxiety attacks.

 

Every day it's a different battle with her. She seems to think she's my supervisor and she can just order me around and bark at me all day. I've worked there 8 months and I've been moved from the CRT cell to the BW cell and back again in that time. Being moved wasn't any kind of punishment or anything, it was just because they had a shortage of people and they put me where they need me. But this chick assumes that since I was just moved to the CRT cell that I don't know anything.

 

Yesterday she came up to me and said "Larry said you have to train me on 231s."

 

I said "It's been so long since I've done those someone will have to re train me on them first." And that's the truth. I have certified 231s in about 6 months. The way we check them changes all the time. I was planning on tracking down the supervisor and running through it with him so I could make sure I was doing them right before training her. But she didn't see it that way at all. She got really mad and said "Well then if you refuse to do your job we can go into JR's office right now and have a little talk with him."

 

This threw me off... JR is the big boss, my boss's boss. I had no idea what to say to that. First of all, I wasn't refusing to do my job. Second of all, she doesn't have the authority to drag me into anyone's office to have a talk.

 

I Said "I'm not refusing to do anything, you don't have to make such a big thing out of it."

 

She goes on to tell me that she's tired of my bad attitude.

 

That's when I just let it go and told her I was tired of being barked at every day. I pointed out that I've worked there 8 months and she's only been there a month, but she thinks she's in charge of me for some reason.

 

She said the day before yesterday I cussed her out. I was like "When? I never cussed you out."

 

She tried to tell me I was "cussing behind her back." I asked what I was saying behind her back. She couldn't answer me. And I said "Well if you're going to accuse me at least tell me what I supposedly said."

 

Her answer "I don't know what you said and I don't wanna know."

 

I said "Well then how can you say I cussed you out then if you don't know what I was saying?"

 

She stomped off to the supervisor's office and gave him this big sob story about how I was so mean to her, etc...

 

Right after she was done, I went straight into his office and told my side of the story. He told me in all the time I've worked there he's never had a complaint about me, but they've already had other complaints about her. He also said they aren't sure she's going to work out because of her constant mental issues. He was like "She wanted me to talk to you about your language and your attitude." But he laughed when he said it so I don't think he took her that seriously.

 

So... today I get to go in and deal with her crap all day. I just decided I won't speak to her unless it's absolutely necessary.

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So... Earlier I was on facebook and Aaron IMed me. I was so glad to hear from him... it's been a while since we really talked.

 

He asked me how my trip went, and we ended up talking a while about that.

 

I asked what he was up to. He said not much interesting... just hanging out down in Nashville and looking for a job.

 

He had to get going and get some food though, he said he was starving. But he ended the conversation by telling me he was moving back to town and he couldn't wait to hang out with me again. I told him I've missed hanging out with him. He said it was mutual.

 

This made my night. I was so giddy after talking to him. I have such a huge crush, lol... I thought when he moved away and I stopped seeing him on a regular basis that it would go away... but he's got staying power.

 

I thought about him when I was in Europe even... Here I was surrounded by hot metalhead guys, some of them even members of my favorite bands... but he stayed on my mind, I won't lie.

 

Idk... I guess he's been thinking about me too.

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Yesterday at work I was certifying axle components for BMW. I was doing this with my boss and the crazy chick.

 

My boss works a slightly different schedule then we do, so it was almost time for her to go to lunch. She was bore gaging the parts and I was loading them and doing visual inspection. When she left for lunch she handed me the bore gage and told me to take over doing that. Well, as soon as she walked away I started finding all kinds of bad parts. This was after she was bore gaging for an hour and didn't find one bad one. The first thing I did was second guess myself. I handed the gage to crazy chick and had her check a few. She found a bad one right away too.

 

So she ran and got my boss who wasn't clocked out for lunch yet.

 

My boss was furious and made us go back through the entire bin. Thing is though... it was me she was furious at which I don't understand. I discovered the problem. As a quality inspector thats my job. Personally I think she was only pissed off because it made her look bad. Obviously she wasn't paying any attention while she was bore gaging otherwise she would have noticed the issue a lot sooner. So she made us go back through and recheck all the parts she already checked. We found all kinds of bad ones.

 

And she kept making all these comments about how she knew it was a mistake to walk away and leave me with the gage, etc...

 

This is starting to happen more and more at work... I find some issue with the quality of the parts, and then I am made to feel like I'm being punished. I know they have deadlines to meet and they want to get these parts out to the customer... but who cares if the parts are on time if a bunch of them are bad? The customer is going to send them back anyway and it's going to cost the company a lot of money.

 

I've asked three times now to be a machine operator. I've done it before there when there were no parts to inspect. I know I can handle it. I like being an inspector, but I'm tired of the crap that comes along with it. I tell an operator there's an issue with their parts and I get cussed out. I find an issue back in general inspection and I get in trouble. It's just getting old. Operators get paid more for less responsibility.

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