Life On The Rocinante' (After Dark!)

[Cynder]

So, I finally ordered an iPad for digital drawing.  I have so many ideas for digital work.  I started my art career as a digital artist, and back then digital art wasn't taken seriously and even seen as "not real."  I mean, I can see to some degree why it seems less authentic because there is no original that is tangible and can be held in someone's hand.  I meet people who refuse to buy prints and will only buy the original work.  When it comes to paintings I love those people.  I also know a lot of artists who absolutely refuse to sell prints of their work because they think it cheapens it.  Those same artists also complain after every show about how they don't make any money.  Well, when all you have for sale are originals and your cheapest one is $1500, you can't expect much.  People don't go to festivals to spend that kind of money.  That is gallery pricing.  Prints and magnets are where I make most of my money. 

I have one magnet that I made of my Baphomet painting that says, "Be Fabulous, Hail Satan."  A lot of people have been requesting that on a t-shirt.  So that might be a reality before too long.  You have to be able to sell things that people are willing to pay for.  Your average festival goer isn't going to pay $1500 for a painting. 

But back to digital art...  the fact that there isn't an original that actually exists and all there are is prints, that turns people off.  But lately that's been less of an issue.  Early in my vending days I had people absolutely fall in love with something and then do a complete 180 when they asked what medium it is and I said digital.  I heard, "I refuse to pay for digital art!" a few times. 

A musician I know was looking for someone to do a CD cover for him once.  This was about 15 years ago.  It was between me and another girl.  Well, he picked me and this other girl sent me this scathing email about how I am just a pixel pusher, what I do isn't real art, and I make real artists like her look bad, etc.  She also posted a blog about what a mistake it was to expect anyone to hire a real artist to do a CD cover when for every real artist there's a hundred pixel pushers out there who will wh*re themselves out to anyone willing to pay.  I mean... it was brutal.  She also called the musician up and cussed him out. 

I started out painting on canvas as a teenager...  then in college I realized how much I can do with digital platforms, mainly Photoshop.  Because I actually use Photoshop to paint and draw.  And other stuff like Poser, Bryce, etc. 

I went back to painting on canvas and more traditional mediums for a couple reasons...  money being a big one.  The hardware needed to do good digital art is expensive.  I bought a refurbished iPad and a refurbished Apple Pencil.  I've had people try to talk me out of the iPad because they don't like Apple as a company.  Well, personally I don't like them as a company either.  But the Apple Pencil is amazing.  I've tried it.  I was at the Apple store with a friend and they had the Pencil and the iPad air on display for people to try.  So while my friend was waiting to get her phone looked at, I just started drawing.  And I didn't realize there was this whole crowd of people gathered around behind me watching after like a half hour.  But anyway...  As far as Apple as a company... nothing I do is going to break them.  I don't feel bad about giving them my money because it's for my art.  And honestly, if you dig deep enough you will find something corrupt about every company.  It's not like Bill Gates is some angel either and Microsoft has done some shady stuff as well. 

Aside from the Apple Pencil, I love ProCreate.  And that is Apple exclusive. 

So, I'm sure some people will have some things to say, either to my face or privately about how shady I am for selling digital prints that I made with my evil iPad.  But hey, my work is selling.  Both my digital work and my analog work sells.  I must be doing something right.  

I have to wait a week for it to get here.  Since I got a refurb, I couldn't just go to Best Buy and pick it up today.  It would be nice to have it today, but I saved about $200 buying a refurbed one.  I also am having it shipped to my Mom's house because she lives in the sticks where packages are way less likely to be stolen.  Where I live is prime territory for stolen packages.  L ordered a Casper Mattress earlier this year and it sat out on our porch for about 5 days.  I came home from work one morning and it was gone.  I assumed she brought it inside finally.  But no, someone came and took it.  

Since I had it shipped to Mom's house I know I'll probably get scolded.  Oh well.  She doesn't like me spending money on anything that isn't 100% essential for survival.  I spent $30 on a Bidet attachment for my upstairs toilet and she had an attitude about that.  "Is that really something you need?  You should think about your priorities..."  Ok, no it's not something I need, but it's something I want.  I told her I will save a lot in toilet paper in the long run.  D has one and I am starting to see them more and more in AirBnBs that I've stayed in for work.  A little bit of extra comfort and cleanliness is well worth $30 in my opinion.  I told her I'm probably going to get one for the downstairs toilet too.  She's pissed because she never had nice things when she was raising us.  But all her extra money went to booze and blow.  She could have had nice things if she wanted to. 

Side note... that lady did report me to the organizers of CPPD.  She reported me after I gave her a refund, too.  Like... you got your money back and you got an apology.  What else do you want, Karen?  I probably would have been more accommodating and sent her another set of runes and a free gift if she would have been a little nicer about it. 

 

[Cynder]

Ok... so about an hour ago I had a monster of a panic attack.  It came out of nowhere.  On the way home from work today I started having that, "Something's not right" feeling.  It's hard to explain.  But sometimes I just feel like something's wrong and I can't figure out what.  And this is usually a sign that a panic attack is coming.  It's not some psychic phenomena or anything.  It's a feeling in my body. 

So, since I'm still sick and my stomach was really upset all night, I drank a kombucha to calm my gut down.  I was sitting on the bed drinking it and watching YouTube videos.  And my foot was hanging off the edge of the bed.  One of the kittens decided to try to jump up onto my foot but she missed and sunk her claws into it, hung there for a second while I tried not to panic and start kicking.  She fell back down to the floor, but scratched the whole way down, so my foot is all scratched up and bloody now.  I went in the bathroom and cleaned it.  Cat scratch fever is a thing...  better safe than sorry. 

When I finished my 'bucha, I laid down and put a movie on to fall asleep to.  I still felt like something wasn't right.  I tried to calm myself down and focus on what I was watching...  it didn't work.  Soon my heart was beating stupid fast and I couldn't get my breathing under control.  I had that "scared of everything" feeling that I get during a panic attack.  I guess this is something everyone experiences when they have them.  My train of thought was so irrational...  I'm scared to fall asleep because I'm afraid I'll die.  I'm scared if I stay awake I will go permanently insane.  I'm scared to get up because I'm afraid I'll puke if I do.  But I'm also afraid if I stay laying down I'll puke and choke on it.  One of the kittens was scratching themself during this...  and I kept thinking, "My whole house is going to be over run with fleas.  Look at her scratching." Since I am kicking L out on October first, that got me thinking about what if she decides to be really cruel and let a bunch of roaches lose in my house before she leaves...  How will I get rid of them? 

I pulled out my phone and messaged D...  I just said, "I'm having a panic attack and I just wanted to tell someone because sometimes that actually helps.  The psychology behind that is interesting...  Sometimes just saying it to someone takes away some of the power it has.  He wasn't even online and probably won't see it for a bit, but telling him did help a little. 

I tried scrolling through Facebook...  And doing that told me that today is the 6th anniversary of my ex husband's death.  I have a few close friends who were also close with him, who post every year on the anniversary.  But, today is also the 6th anniversary of when D and I met.  I met him the day my ex died. 

And then I start thinking things like, "If he was still alive he would be disgusted with me because I'm a loser and a waste of space...  Then thoughts like,"D's gonna be mad at me for messaging him about this when he's not even awake yet.  God I'm so pathetic." 

So I just said to myself... screw it... I'm going and getting glass of wine.  Think what you will about "self medicating."  But wine actually helps during a panic attack because it slows the heart rate down.  Whiskey works better, IMP, because with whiskey all you need is a shot for it to work.  With wine you have to drink a whole glass and it takes a little longer, but it works.  Alcohol does have some medicinal benefits in small doses.  Idk... if I drank every day to cope with anxiety, to me that is self medicating.  Drinking some wine to relax and slow my heart rate during a panic attack is just the smart thing to do. 

So I brought my glass of win upstairs and started doing another thing that calms me down.  This may seem weird...  but if I am panicking and near my computer, something that really helps is browsing either Amazon or Audible.  Youtube videos can be really triggering...  All someone has to do in a video is mention one wrong thing and here it comes again.  But it's really hard to get triggered while just looking at stuff that I could possible buy.  And it's not even that I plan to actually buy any of it.  Something as simple as, "Wow, that's a pretty rug.  It would look nice in my living room."  "That's a cute dress.  I bet I would look good in that."  It is relaxing and it's a distraction.  Audible is the same...  "This book sounds interesting.  I'll add it to my wishlist."  With audible I have to be a little more cautious, though.  Because if I see a book with a synopsis that says something like, "After being sexually assaulted, Main Character tracked down those responsible and took revenge..."  Then I will start thinking about what if I was assaulted, etc.  Or I might start berating myself for why I haven't finished my novel.  "Anyone else would have finished it by now you loser!"  Amazon is pretty fail safe, though.  Other sites like SockDreams, etc that sell really specific things that I like are good for this too.  I love novelty socks, etc.  It's pretty safe to assume nothing will make me panic harder while looking at socks. 

So now I am over it... and I will try to sleep.  I can't wait 'til these kittens don't have to stay in my room anymore.  They are cute and awesome.  But they walk on my face when I'm sleeping, they make a lot of noise, etc.  I can't let them roam the house right now because L's one male isn't fixed and I don't want him getting either of them pregnant.  I can't take them to get fixed until they are 6 months old.  They are both so beautiful and have complete opposite personalities.  They are both longhaired.  The white one looks like a cotton ball when she lays in that circle pose cats lay in when sleeping.  She is the shy one of the two.  But she loves being held.  When I'm up here watching tv or whatever before bed, she comes and lays on my chest or in my lap and just chills there purring.  The other one is a Tortie, she's the more playful one.  She loves to play and get pets.  But she doesn't like to be held, etc.  She wants affection on her terms only. 

Ok... bed time. 

 

[Cynder]

Omg...  I hate keyboard warriors and online SJWs. 

I do research for my writing a lot by going directly to the source on Reddit. Like, a car accident happens in one of my stories.  So I went to the subreddit for EMS workers and asked them, "Hey, this is what happens, how would EMS handle this scene?"  I've done this a lot over the years with different subs.  Until this morning the only time I ever got any crap for it was in the sub for Baptists.  I asked what a Baptist service is like, specifically for kids?  Like, are the sermons really long?  Do kids leave for classes more tailored for them like they did at the Pentacostal church I went to when I was younger?  Etc.  I explained that this isn't meant to paint them in a bad light, etc.  I have a character who was raised Baptist and there is a scene where he is thinking back to going to church as a kid.  I was raised Catholic, so I have no idea what church is like for a Baptist child.  I got multiple people telling me that I should write what I know and if I was raised Catholic I should just make my character Catholic. Ok, I can see the reasoning behind that.  But if I did that all my characters would be raised Catholic.  Everyone I write about can't just have my backstory.  That would get really boring and repetitive after a while. 

Ok, that was mildly annoying.  I didn't really get an answer to my question and a few people there just assumed I was writing about Baptists in a negative way.  But that was nothing compared to what happened yesterday on the sub for CPS workers.  Good Gods....

My opinion of CPS is not a high opinion, at least not for the branch here in my city.  I know so many people who have had bad experiences with them.  Someone called them out of concern for me when I was being sexually abused.  I don't know who called but whoever it was had suspicions that I was being molested at home.  Well, they decided to show up at my house when I wasn't even there.  My parents told them what a liar I am and that I have mental problems.  And so after a few minutes chatting with my parents, they just decided to close the case.  And then later on that night when I got home I got the crap beat out of me and got screamed and threatened because my parents thought I called.  I was accused of trying to ruin an innocent mans life basically just for funzies.  I was told what an evil little b*tch I am, etc.  So, CPS ere the ones who could have actually helped me, but they made things a lot worse for me.  

Despite all that, I still wanted to portray them as accurately as possible in my current novel.  There is a chapter where CPS is a big fixture in the plot.  So I went to the CPS subreddit, and explained the situation, and asked, "What would CPS do in this situation?"  Boy oh boy was that a mistake.  

People on Reddit are hyper vigilant about anything having to do with kids or any kind of sex crime.  And I'm not saying they don't have a right to be.  If someone is actually abusing kids or commuting sex crimes, sure, they deserve it.   But people on Reddit like to accuse people of that kind of stuff when it's not going on.  I remember a thread over there once where a guy lived next door to this family with a teenage daughter when he was in his 20s.  He got to know this family pretty well and hung out with them a lot.  Later on down the line he ran into the teenage daughter (who was now in her 20s and he is in his 30s) and they started talking and eventually started dating.  This guy was called a groomer, a child molester, etc.  People were telling him he should be in prison, etc.  And the thread disappeared when people started trying to dox him.  

I also saw a thread once over there where a lesbian was talking about quitting drinking.  It was her first day sober.  She said her rock bottom point was going to work drunk the night before and hitting on her straight, married coworker, and getting fired.  People were saying she should be in jail because she sexually assaulted her coworker.  I hate that any unwanted attention is now being called sexual assault in some circles.   By that logic pretty much everyone has been sexually assaulted or committed sexual assault.  Someone asked you out on a date and you said now?  Well, you were sexually assaulted.  Someone said they think you're cute and asked for your number?  Well, you were sexually assaulted. 

I guess I should have known better.  I have heard cops, lawyers, CPS workers and social workers, EMS workers, etc complain about how they are always misrepresented in the media.  I try to keep things realistic to a reasonable degree in my writing.  I've been on subs for lawyers, EMS workers, cops, etc asking similar questions and I've never had a problem.  Most people don't see anything wrong with someone saying, "Hey, I"m an indie author doing research.  How would you, as a EMS worker (or whatever else) handle this situation?" 

I got completely lambasted on the CPS subreddit last night and this morning for asking a question like this.  The writing project I'm currently working on revolves around the discovery of a feral child.  Cases like Genie Wiley and Oxana Malaya really fascinate me.  The nature/nurture debate is so interesting to think about.  So I asked this whole group of CPS workers what they would do in that situation.  I got maybe two actual answers.  The rest of the thread was me basically being called scum for even writing a story like this, and me being accused of being a pedo who writes about my sick fantasies.  Ok... no pedophilia occurs in my story but that didn't seem to matter.  They also all seemed to be set on thinking I'm a man.  When I told them I'm actually a woman, of course I'm lying.  I'm just a sick man who should be locked up.  I wad given a lot of crap for using the word feral in my description... because CPS would never use that word, the child would be called developmentally delayed.  Well, the definition of feral is "a wild state." And the child in my story is exactly that.  But there was no reasoning with any of these people by that point.  I was also accused of making CPS look bad on purpose and told my whole concept for this story is "really offensive." 

I am a millennial.  I'm old enough to remember a time before the internet, but the internet has been around for most of my life.  I remember the days when creative people could be creative without having to worry about a bunch of butthurt whiny keyboard warriors being offended by EVERYTHING.  My last post in this thread was one where I pointed out that bad things happen in fiction all the time.  Without some kind of conflict there is no story.  If I just wrote stories about happy families flying kites in the park and happy people joining hands in a meadow singing kumbaya, that wouldn't be very interesting.  Someone told me that I should write a story where the CPS workers are the heros instead of the villains.  (The CPS workers aren't the villains in my story... but whatever I guess)  I told her if that's the book she wants to see, to go write it herself. 

I just can't believe the way people are sometimes. 

I had a pretty low opinion of CPS before this because I don't know anyone they've actually helped.  And I even stopped to think really hard about this just so I know it's not just confirmation bias.  And no, I really can't think of a single story I've ever heard from anyone I know, where CPS has actually been helpful.  My sister's ex girlfriend was a COS worker and she treated her own kids like crap.  She was also a psycho who broke my Mom's arm during a physical altercation and she woke my sister up once by throwing a potted plant at her face. This experience was just one more thing that solidified my opinion about them. 

And now I guess I'm just going to wing it when it comes to CPS in my story, and if what I write is unrealistic, so what.  My world, my rules. 

 

[Cynder]

I've been up all night writing...  about an hour ago I finished the first draft of my novel... at least one of the two I'm actively working on right now. 

My writing coach is probably going to be mad at me.  He has told me to stick to one project at a time.  The novel I finished last night isn't the one I've been working with him on.  He's my coach/mentor.  But everyone works differently.  I had the drive to finish this one, and so I did.  At least I'm being productive. 

This is one way I dealt with the breakup.  Now that it's done I might feel things a little more intensely.  Oh well...  that's what happens when you end a relationship.  It will probably suck for a little while.  But it's supposed to suck. 

My goal is to have one novel out by July of 2024.  Ideally I want to release the one my coach is working with me on.  But if this one ends up being completely revised and ready first, it is what it is. 

Maybe I was just getting delirious toward the end because I had been writing for 6 hours at that point...  I probably won't keep this in the final version, but I put myself in the epilogue of the book.  Like, breaking the fourth wall in a way.  My main character has just been through this awful ordeal and survived.  And it's talking about how he had to get a lawyer, etc, and how people are contacting him for interviews, and how movie producers are contacting him to talk about movie rights, etc.  And I added this one short paragraph about how an author named "my name" contacted him and wanted to write a book about what he went through.  I didn't use my real name.  I used my pen name.  But maybe if I keep that I will actually use my real name as an Easter Egg. 

I'm just so proud of myself.  I told myself when I was done I was going to relax.  But of course I didn't... I went straight into revisions.  I started reading through the first chapter making editing notes, etc.  But now I think I am actually going to force myself to relax and go upstairs and watch a movie.  It's almost 6AM and I've been at this since around 10PM last night.  I've earned some down time.  My legs ache and my butt hurts because normally I don't sit at my computer for 8 hours at a time only getting up to use the bathroom and fill my water bottle.  So yea... it's time to leave the office and go relax on my big comfy bed. 

 

[Cynder]

I spent a good chunk of my time Friday cleaning out the room I've always referred to as the office. I was given a really nice desk a few years ago and it went in that room.  But that room has become more of a storage room than anything else.

Well, I decided that room is going to be a workspace.  It's the writing room now.  I am a firm believer that being in certain places helps us get into a certain state of mind.  The art room is for art.  The bedroom is for sleep and relaxation.  The bathroom is for bathing.  So now I have an office/writing room. 

And as a way of celebrating not only that but finishing the first draft of Savage, last night I decided to order food from a place I hardly ever eat at because it's pretty expensive.  And I ate my dinner up there and drank a glass of Absinthe.  Yes, real Absinthe.  I have a bottle of the real deal that I bought and shipped from France a few years ago after I did really well at a festival.  I paid almost $200 for it.  So it's only for special occasions.  

Now that the unfixed male cat is gone, the kittens don't have to stay in my room all the time.  So I let them out and they came into the office with me and investigated everything, like cats do. 

I try not to think about the fact that it's a Saturday night and I am at home eating and drinking with my cats.  I can either think of myself as a lonely cat lady or an empowered creative visionary who knows what I deserve.  And I don't deserve to have toxic people and drama in my life all the time.  But to everyone else I'm sure I am just a lonely cat lady. 

My ex is never alone.  But he's never happy either. 

 

[catfeeder]

15 hours ago, Cynder said:

I spent a good chunk of my time Friday cleaning out the room I've always referred to as the office. I was given a really nice desk a few years ago and it went in that room.  But that room has become more of a storage room than anything else.

Well, I decided that room is going to be a workspace.  It's the writing room now.  I am a firm believer that being in certain places helps us get into a certain state of mind.  The art room is for art.  The bedroom is for sleep and relaxation.  The bathroom is for bathing.  So now I have an office/writing room. 

And as a way of celebrating not only that but finishing the first draft of Savage, last night I decided to order food from a place I hardly ever eat at because it's pretty expensive.  And I ate my dinner up there and drank a glass of Absinthe.  Yes, real Absinthe.  I have a bottle of the real deal that I bought and shipped from France a few years ago after I did really well at a festival.  I paid almost $200 for it.  So it's only for special occasions.  

Now that the unfixed male cat is gone, the kittens don't have to stay in my room all the time.  So I let them out and they came into the office with me and investigated everything, like cats do. 

I try not to think about the fact that it's a Saturday night and I am at home eating and drinking with my cats.  I can either think of myself as a lonely cat lady or an empowered creative visionary who knows what I deserve.  And I don't deserve to have toxic people and drama in my life all the time.  But to everyone else I'm sure I am just a lonely cat lady. 

My ex is never alone.  But he's never happy either. 

 

Beautiful job! … consider challenging the line, “I’m sure everyone else thinks of me as…”

Where does that come from? Who is this judge and jury who pays you no rent to live in your head and criticize you like the lousy roommate you finally tossed out?

 I am so impressed by the creative visionary who has built a wonderful nest with dedicated spaces and happy kittens. You’ve worked so hard to learn how to identify all the flies to purge from your ointment. Now you can relax and observe whether they’ve left you any eggs you’d prefer not to hatch…

Keep going, Cynder, and wonderful work!

 

[Cynder]

8 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Beautiful job! … consider challenging the line, “I’m sure everyone else thinks of me as…”

Where does that come from? Who is this judge and jury who pays you no rent to live in your head and criticize you like the lousy roommate you finally tossed out?

 I am so impressed by the creative visionary who has built a wonderful nest with dedicated spaces and happy kittens. You’ve worked so hard to learn how to identify all the flies to purge from your ointment. Now you can relax and observe whether they’ve left you any eggs you’d prefer not to hatch…

Keep going, Cynder, and wonderful work!

 

I have so many plans for that room, too. Right now it's clean and usable.  But it doesn't have any character.  It's literally a room with a desk and a small table and a computer chair.  I want to make it kind of nostalgic.  I have a Simpsons poster and an Edward Scissorhands poster that were up in my room when I was a teenager.  They are framed sitting in a closet upstairs.  I'm going to put those up in there.  I also have one of the few posters for a film I actually acted in in 2007 that showed in theaters.  It was an Indie movie so it's not famous or anything.  But I can say I've seen myself up on the big screen.  That poster is going up in that room, also. 

I have probably half a dozen lava lamps.  I have always thought lava lamps were really cool and I've bought them at yard sales and stuff and I have a few that were given to me as gifts.  I'm going to put a couple lava lamps in that room, too.  I just really want to make it an inviting place. 

My writing coach is really impressed with the work I've done lately.  The one chapter a week deadline was a really good idea.  This book will be finished in no time.  July of 2024 is my goal.  Not just to finish it, but to have it out by then. 

I do need to start painting again soon, though.  I started a painting of a Puckwudgie in June, and it's still up on the easel, unfinished, collecting dust.  When the time is right it will happen. 

 

[Cynder]

So, it seems D got himself in some trouble.  I blocked him everywhere, but still can't completely escape him.  I am one of the admins for the OM Vendors group on Facebook.  He is in that group.  I have him blocked, so I don't see his posts.  But because I'm an admin, I see reported posts no matter who posts them. 

I woke up to a bunch of notifications from that group about reported posts.  Him and some of the other vendors got into it last weekend at the OM Halloween show.  (The one I decided not to do because of him.)  Now I kinda wish I would so I could just sit back and watch the fireworks.  That's ok though, this morning I got to read all about it.  He kept making all these really childish, melodramatic posts in that group and a bunch of people reported them.  And since he was making them in the middle of the night, no admins were on to shut him down.  (It's a group with over 2k members and literally only 3 admins.)

So yea...  a bunch of people in the OM world are mad at him now.  And he's mad too.  I just deleted all the posts while laughing to myself thinking, "Yep, look what's not my problem!"  I mean, it was kinda my problem since I'm an admin.  But literally all I had to do was read them all and hit delete.  The situation they're fighting about isn't my problem. 

I don't know all the details...  but he was with his sister this past weekend (who goes to all the OMs with him now.) And they got into an argument (Like they do pretty regularly... he was always fighting with her. I have a few really close friends that I think of like siblings, and I have rarely ever argued with any of them.)  But anyway, him and his sis are in the car this past weekend going to OM.  And they got into a huge screaming match.  And D...  (I really can't believe this, and I'm really thankful no one was hurt because this could have been disastrous.)  D decides to just slam on the breaks while going down the highway.  And then he got out of the car and ran across a four lane highway without even looking where he was going, and while his sister was sitting in the passenger seat screaming and hysterical.  And then later on that day at the show she caught him spitting a big lugi in her drink and then he started giving her stuff away to customers. 

Man oh man...  I am so glad I got out when I did.  If there was any regret or guilt welling up inside me, that took it all away.  That could have been me in that car.  It could have been me drinking his spit (and I'm honestly wondering if I already did... who knows how many times he could have done that to me when we were together.)  And it could have been my stuff he gave away. 

I am sitting here celebrating that my inner peace is not being disrupted by this nutjob anymore...  But at the same time, I really hope someone intervenes and does something before he seriously hurts himself or someone else.  Just thinking of the accident he could have caused...  Maybe that's just because I've actually been in a car accident, idk.  I keep trying to tell myself, yes, but he didn't.  I know that doesn't excuse it.  But there's no point getting myself all worked up and upset over what could have happened but didn't.  And I had a therapy appt yesterday.  I really wish my appt would have been today so I could talk about all of this with my therapist. 

I wish someone would intervene and put him on an involuntary hold so he can actually get help.  But...  he is no longer mine to worry about. 

 

[Cynder]

Something that has been on my mind lately... And I don't even know why really, but it has been. 

When I was a kid, I was pushed so hard to be better at things I'm not good at, and pushed to be mediocre at things I am good at. 

From the time I was a kid, all I've wanted to do was make art and write stories.  This was something my parents, my Mom especially, just hated.  I kill myself trying to do well on a math test and get a C, well that's because I'm just a lazy f***.  But if I do really well on an assignment in English class, that doesn't really count because, "Well that comes naturally to you."  That isn't really an example of being push to mediocrity, but this is:  I remember once in English class the assignment was to write a descriptive story about an event that happened over the summer. 

My Mom was the seafood manager at a grocery store at the time.  And she won a display contest.  So we won all this seafood and we had this big party at my house over the summer.  We had a dozen live lobsters, and all these scallops and clams, swordfish, etc.  And so a bunch of people came  over and cooked all this stuff with my parents and then we had a fire in the fire pit and hung out outside until pretty late that night.  So I wrote my story about that.  We were told the minimum requirement for the assignment was one paragraph and there was no maximum.  My story was five pages long, hand written, on wide rule paper.  Honestly it was probably 1000 words roughly.  My Mom was looking over it and started yelling at me.  And that isn't an exaggeration, I mean she was really yelling.  She's like, "Why the hell did you write all this pointless crap?  Your teacher only wanted a paragraph!"  The she was like, "You had to make it hard on yourself.  Why not just write "We had a party this summer.  Lots of people came over.  We cooked lobster.  It was fun.  The end." 

I told her it was supposed to be descriptive.  And she said, "Well that describes what happened doesn't it?" 

She used to do this a lot with my writing, particularly.  My school had a fiction contest every year.  It wasn't required to enter.  But I always entered.  And my Mom always had to read my stories before I submitted them.  And she would always change them and take all the umph out of them.  I remember one story I wrote was a fantasy story.  And at the climax of the story, my two characters had to cross a time barrier.  And it was this huge moment in the story.  I made it really epic and wrote a few paragraphs describing the tension, and all that was at stake here.  When she re wrote the story she literally changed it to,"And then they crossed the time barrier."  I remember being so mad when I saw that.  Like, I put so  much effort into that scene. 

The one year I submitted a story without her rewriting it was the year I won the contest and my story was published.  The book is out of print now, but I have a copy of it somewhere.  It was an anthology of stories written by teens and pre-teens.  I became a published author at 12.  But even after that... there was just no encouragement for my writing at all.  They didn't bash my art.  But the reason for that was because they didn't think being an artist was a real job and so they didn't think I would seriously pursue it.  They knew I was serious about being an author and they did everything they could to kill that dream. 

I was told, "Well, you're just building yourself up for a big disappointment."  "Computers are taking over and by the time you're out in the real world no one will read books anymore."  (Yes, I"m not making this up.  That was said to me.)  And whenever a member of my family read anything I wrote it was just ripped to pieces.  I was told my writing was "a bunch of garbage."  It was called junk, etc. 

I finished a novel I wrote in high school.  And it was such a big deal for me to have finished it.  And that night at the dinner table my parents yelled at me until I cried and told me to pull my head out of my ass. 

I entered a lot of short stories in contests as a teenager.  I sent my work to magazines that published unknown writers.  I never heard back on any of these submissions, and so after a while I stopped submitting.  But then a few years later, my mom told me with a huge smile on her face that she never mailed any of them.  I feel really dumb for not realizing that.  Whenever I needed to mail anything she would always tell me she would do it from her work.  And I put stamps on all of these and everything that I bought with my own money.  I remember commenting once about how I never hear back when I send anything out and my Mom said, "Well that should tell you something." 

Then a few years later to have her sit and smile and tell me she never sent any of them and then add for good measure, "They all went in the trash can at my work."  I was so hardened to being treated this way that it didn't even really surprise me.  But I was really sad about it.  All the time spent typing and formatting everything just right.  And the hours that were poured into all those stories...

I don't know if it was because I"m that bad kid in the family and there was just no way my parents could process the bad kid having talent.  Idk. 

And pretty much since June of this year, I feel like I almost have this primal urge to write.  It's like this is something I have to do.  There is this sense of urgency because I could die tomorrow and then who will finish my books?  I feel like what I"m doing is important, even though none of my novels are profoundly inspirational.  My writing is dark.  I hate happy endings because they are bs.  Life never ends up happy.  The guy doesn't get the girl.  The bad guys don't get punished.  The good guys don't win.  Etc. 

One way or another... I'm publishing something by July of 2024.  I have the first draft of one novel finished, another one is about 75% done (and I mean the final draft is about 75 done.) And I have two others in my head that I am outlining right now. 

And even if I self publish, I have two authors working with me to help me through that whole process.  One is my coach, the other is someone I've done multiple book covers for.  She has offered to help with professional formatting, etc.  I know a lot of authors from the festival scene.  Several of them have offered to beta read for me.  And I have multiple platforms to sell my work.  My booth at shows being the most obvious one.  But some of the consignment shops I sell at sell books too.  There is a bookstore here in my town that is always busy.  They sell stuff from local authors.  There is one vendor I know who's whole business is selling books by indie authors.  She has offered to sell my stuff on consignment.  So I have a way to get it out there.  I just need to finish something and be happy with it.  My coach revised his first book 11 times before publishing it.  The one I am close to finished with has been revised a lot.  I can't say exactly how many times because I do the revisions on a chapter by chapter basis.  Some chapters have been revised 8 times.  Some only twice. 

Well, I need to get to sleep so I can wake up and actually work toward this goal some more before leaving tonight for work. 

 

 

[Batya33]

I'm so sorry you were sabotaged that way! I also was a published poet at age 12 (possibly 13) - in a magazine! It was very cool.  I also loved writing -creatively- and yes my parents were very very supportive.  I switched over to non-fiction/technical writing in my 20s but I'm sure I still have that creative spark in me.

I really hated reading about what happened to you. I'm sorry.  

[Cynder]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

I'm so sorry you were sabotaged that way! I also was a published poet at age 12 (possibly 13) - in a magazine! It was very cool.  I also loved writing -creatively- and yes my parents were very very supportive.  I switched over to non-fiction/technical writing in my 20s but I'm sure I still have that creative spark in me.

I really hated reading about what happened to you. I'm sorry.  

In the past whenever I've called them out about all the things they said I would never do and I did anyway, it's always, "Well good for you for proving us wrong."  Well, would it have killed them to just show a little encouragement instead of making it so I had to prove them wrong?  And for me it was never even about "Hey look I proved you wrong!"  It was just me doing what I want to do. 

I hadn't thought about my Mom telling me she never sent in any of those stories for years.  Last night that memory just came back to me for some reason.  She was so happy and gloating when she said it, too.  It was like she did this really cool thing in her mind. 

What magazine was your poem in?  That's really cool that you had that experience at that age. 

Now everyone is a published author, pretty much. Because once something is posted online it's considered published.  So, anyone who has ever posted a Facebook status is a published author, technically. 

 

[catfeeder]

14 minutes ago, Cynder said:

...I hadn't thought about my Mom telling me she never sent in any of those stories for years.  Last night that memory just came back to me for some reason.  She was so happy and gloating when she said it, too.  It was like she did this really cool thing in her mind. 

Dearest, it's a long road and hard work to recognize, much less reconcile, that your mother was too damaged and ignorant to know what to do with such an advanced and visionary soul. And worse, she surrounded you with people equally as ignorant and suspicious and small.

I've said this before, and I will never tire of saying it, because it's natural for you to have been impacted by so many shockingly cruel and sad experiences. Your resilience is extraordinary, and while you may not recognize it in this moment, you do own the capacity to transcend the limits that others have tried to impose on you.

Your pain has kept you raw and humble. It might be helpful to think of yourself as 'tenderized'. That's been your preparation to enjoy what you can't yet fathom. 

Head high, and keep flying on instruments.

[Batya33]

That's funny about who is  a published author.  I don't agree with that at all and don't feel it either.  I know many published authors (no I don't really consider myself one - I also published an article in a nonprofit publication many years ago but it's negligible what I've published -and I wrote a children's book I shared with hundreds of children when I taught but didn't publish it -I have the original -from 1989!)  The published authors I know -including a high school friend who I kept in touch with over the years who published her debut novel in her 50s - shouldn't be lumped in with -IMO -people who publicy post on SM.  I am in a number of FB groups for readers and writers and love cheering on authors/potential authors -more than anything -and reading their work if it's relevant etc.  

I'm sorry you didn't get acknowledged or validated and agree with Catfeeder. It's so hard -that urge to want your own family to do that -the shock when it doesn't happen!! I can't imagine - my parents took such joy in whatever we created -my sister painted and still does - and it just seems -basic -for your family to nurture creativity especially when children are young/teenagers.  I'm sorry. 

[Cynder]

On 10/17/2023 at 6:18 AM, Batya33 said:

That's funny about who is  a published author.  I don't agree with that at all and don't feel it either.  I know many published authors (no I don't really consider myself one - I also published an article in a nonprofit publication many years ago but it's negligible what I've published -and I wrote a children's book I shared with hundreds of children when I taught but didn't publish it -I have the original -from 1989!)  The published authors I know -including a high school friend who I kept in touch with over the years who published her debut novel in her 50s - shouldn't be lumped in with -IMO -people who publicy post on SM.  I am in a number of FB groups for readers and writers and love cheering on authors/potential authors -more than anything -and reading their work if it's relevant etc.  

I'm sorry you didn't get acknowledged or validated and agree with Catfeeder. It's so hard -that urge to want your own family to do that -the shock when it doesn't happen!! I can't imagine - my parents took such joy in whatever we created -my sister painted and still does - and it just seems -basic -for your family to nurture creativity especially when children are young/teenagers.  I'm sorry. 

I wasn't saying anyone who posts on social media should be lumped in with actual authors.  I'm just saying -technically- most people are published authors nowadays because anything posted online is considered published.

I'm in a few different writing communities online, and we all share our work via links to Google Docs, because if you actually post it online, no publisher will want it.  

I just have come to expect my family to not nurture anything, except for my brother.  When I finally do release a book, I probably won't even tell them.  I don't want my Mom and sister reading it just to make fun of, or to not understand that this is fiction.  

That was an issue I had growing up, too.  My Mom couldn't understand that the fiction I write is fiction.  She would be like, "This girl in your story has three cats.  You don't have three cats.  Why are you lying?" 

The film I acted in... my Mom and my sister actually came to the premiere which really surprised me.  My Mom slept through the whole thing and my sister went off and literally started yelling at me outside the theater after it was over because she was pissed about a line my character said in the movie.  Hello...  it's called acting.  I'm not playing myself. 

Since I have one novel finished about the discovery of a feral child, another one almost finished about crime and drug dealers, and one in the works about an unsolved disappearance, you would think they would have the common sense to know those are all things I'm not involved in, lol. 

[Cynder]

On 10/16/2023 at 9:17 PM, catfeeder said:

Dearest, it's a long road and hard work to recognize, much less reconcile, that your mother was too damaged and ignorant to know what to do with such an advanced and visionary soul. And worse, she surrounded you with people equally as ignorant and suspicious and small.

I've said this before, and I will never tire of saying it, because it's natural for you to have been impacted by so many shockingly cruel and sad experiences. Your resilience is extraordinary, and while you may not recognize it in this moment, you do own the capacity to transcend the limits that others have tried to impose on you.

Your pain has kept you raw and humble. It might be helpful to think of yourself as 'tenderized'. That's been your preparation to enjoy what you can't yet fathom. 

Head high, and keep flying on instruments.

I used to get really hung up on thinking about who I could have been if I had a different upbringing.  That all stopped when I had my NDE, though.  Because when I was dead, it was so clear that it doesn't matter what would have happened if things were different, because things weren't meant to be different.  Everything happens the way it's supposed to happen.  Everything is like a giant puzzle and things fit exactly where they are supposed to fit.  So if my childhood would have been different, I would not exist, at least not in this capacity. 

My mom treated my sister like an angel.  She could do no wrong.  She got everything she wanted.  But she grew up to be a pretty basic person.  She goes to work, comes home and watches TV and the goes to bed.  Not saying there's anything wrong with that necessarily.  But she lives a really mundane life.  She never stepped out of her comfort zone, etc. 

My youngest brother is the same way.  He has the house, the trophy wife, the two perfect kids, the designer dog, etc.  But he hasn't really done anything anyone will remember. 

My oldest brother and I were the scapegoats in our family who could do no right.  And we have lived amazing lives in a lot of ways.  My brother followed Tool around on tour for a while.  He played in a band that toured around the county.  He has so many stories.  And he's a metalsmith and he's starting to get into glassblowing.  He had it a little easier than me growing up though because he also was athletic and played baseball in high school.  Sports was so important to my parents.  So he got lucky in that respect.  He's artistic and creative, but he also played sports. 

[Cynder]

Since I decided to do NaNoWriMo this year I've been really prepping for writing a whole novel in November.  The idea is you outline everything beforehand, and then the challenge is to write a whole novel in the month of November. 

I joined a discord serve for people in my area who are participating.  And D's freaking sister is in there.  I just can't escape him and his group of friends. 

They aren't friends anymore, but still. 

And there's a room in that server that is the off topic, general chat room.  I scrolled back in that room just to see what kind of things people talk about in there, etc.  And she was posting all these vague posts about her fallout with D.  She's like, "Yea, I've been away for a bit.  It's such a horrific story."  No one responded.  A few posts later she's like, "One word, gaslighting!  It's so scary when it's happening to you!"  No one responded...  a few posts later, "Oh and I'm definitely going to write a book about this experience."  Etc.  She was making all these vague posts, and no one was even taking the bate.  It was clear she wanted to tell everyone all about it. 

I'm going to stay in there.  My Discord username isn't a name she knows me by.  I'm not going to leave a community where I could make a few friends just because she's in there. 

I think it's interesting that she says she's going to write a book about this experience.  So, that's two books about him now.  The other one was book about his life, where his husband, his son, and I weren't mentioned at all, but her and her daughter were.  The woman he thinks of as a mother wasn't even mentioned. Wonder if any of us will get any (for lack of a better word) screen time in the next book she writes. 

[Batya33]

Is this the person he referred to as a sister or a sister of his ? Of course you can stay in the group and up to you if the pros outweigh the cons. It is a small world !

[Cynder]

7 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Is this the person he referred to as a sister or a sister of his ? Of course you can stay in the group and up to you if the pros outweigh the cons. It is a small world !

This is someone he referred to as his sister.  None of his actual sister speak to him.  The fact that his whole family has disowned him should have clued me in on some things.  But I was the scapegoat in my family too and I've been estranged from them at times also.  So I have a soft spot for people in that situation. 

No, this is the same woman who's daughter took off in the middle of the night and and never came home, and D somehow got the idea in his head that my brother and I were behind it.  (I still can't wrap my head around that one.)  This is the same woman he was driving down the highway having a full on screaming match with when he decided to just stop the car in the middle of the highway and run across four lanes of traffic.  She also sent me some of the nastiest text messages I've ever received the night I broke up with him.  I didn't answer any of them, I figured just let her rage for a while and then maybe we can talk rationally tomorrow.  But then she told me to go kill myself and I just blocked her without saying a word. 

He refers to her as his sister but every other week they are in some huge fight and not speaking.  There's a reason her daughter hates her.  D's son didn't like her either.  D always got annoyed that his son wouldn't call this woman his aunt. 

His husband and his chosen mother don't like her either. 

I tried so hard to get along with her.  But I think people like her are making his mental health worse.  I've seen her point her finger in his face and scream at him.  (This was because she got lost walking to her car at a festival, if anyone is wondering... Nothing that was even remotely his fault.) 

 

[Batya33]

He seems focused on misattributing family-type labels to an extent that's very odd at least to me (I mean lots of people say "he's like family" or 'he's my brother from another mother" but they'd never insist anyone else refer in that way.  I know of many who refer to their pets as my babies but they'd never insist that I refer to them as "Spot's Mom".

[Cynder]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

He seems focused on misattributing family-type labels to an extent that's very odd at least to me (I mean lots of people say "he's like family" or 'he's my brother from another mother" but they'd never insist anyone else refer in that way.  I know of many who refer to their pets as my babies but they'd never insist that I refer to them as "Spot's Mom".

Yea, I always thought it was weird that he wanted his son (who is a legal adult) to refer to this crazy woman as his aunt.  But, D also was disowned by his family when he was pretty young.  As a teenager he was sent over here to the US to live with relatives here, and told it was only temporary.  And he's been here ever since.  His parents just basically sent him over here and then acted like he didn't exist. 

So I can definitely understand wanting to build a chosen family.  I have friends who I think of like family.  My friend Eric and I have been friends since we were 17.  I was the first person he came out of the closet to.  I was the first person he called when his Mom passed away.  I was the Maid of Honor at his wedding.  (And let me tell you... being the MOH at a gay wedding was one of the funnest things I've ever done.)  I think of him like a brother.  But If I had kids I wouldn't try to make my kids call him their uncle if they didn't want to. 

I know I will probably get some people disagreeing with this.  But I don't think D's sister is just some poor innocent victim in this situation.  True, my ex is no saint.  Not saying ti's an excuse but he does have a lot of mental problems and he is at least trying to help himself with therapy, etc.  His sister is just not a very nice person and she isn't getting any help for her issues.  I mean... who texts someone right after a breakup and tells them to go kill themself?  If she's saying that to me, who knows what she's said to him over the years. 

He is really big on driving safe.  He doesn't text and drive, etc.  When he is driving he does everything by the book.  He has an almost OCD level fear of being in an accident.  (And I'm not using OCD as a colloquial term here.)  He is obsessive about driving safe, etc.  So, I can't help but wonder what kinds of things she was saying to make him just hit the breaks in the middle of the highway and get out of the car.  (Assuming that story is even true.)   Just like I wonder what made her daughter just take off in the middle of the night and not come back.  (And if anyone reading this is wondering, her daughter is 20.  She's a grown adult.  I'm not referring to a child running away.)

[Batya33]

I'm sorry he was in such a dangerous situation -crazy!

[Cynder]

14 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I'm sorry he was in such a dangerous situation -crazy!

Yea...  this was after we broke up.  I was really upset when I heard about that.  I posted about it on here and in my post I was thinking about her side of things.  Like, that must have been so scary for her to be sitting in the car when he did that.  But now I'm thinking about his side, too.  Like, what drove him to that point, you know? 

I'm glad she's out of his life.  I hope this time it sticks because they've cut ties before and she always comes back begging forgiveness when she needs something. 

I know I said I would stay in the discord server.  But I might leave.  It's not the same now that I know she's there.  Now I go there and just have bad feelings.  I'm sure there are other communities I can join.  I don't know how blocking on Discord works, I've never blocked anyone there.  But I'm sure I can make it so I don't see her posts somehow.  That might be an option. 

[Cynder]

Ok, well I guess I needed another reminder that all white people are evil and racist, just in case I forget, you know?  lol. 

The novel I'm going to write next month has a Native American character.  He isn't the main character, but he is part of the main cast of characters, and he has two chapters from his POV, in which he grapples with some pretty heavy subjects like death, etc.  So I went to a subreddit for NAs.  And just a disclaimer, as far as I know the term Native American is still fine to use. On the sub, I didn't use that term, though.  I used the term Indigenous, because from what I understand that is a safe way to refer to them.  Some groups are ok with being called NA.  Some are ok with being called Native.  Some are even fine with being called Indians.  I was in Montana last year and met several who call themselves Indians and aren't offended by it.  But from what I understand, none of them are offended by the term indigenous.  I am just using NA here because it's easier to type.  

I said I'm an indie author doing research and I have this one character who is NA, and he deals with some heavy stuff in this book, etc.  I said I will admit I don't know a lot about their culture.  I know different tribes have different cultures, folklore, etc.  I explained that I am not using an NA character as a selling point.  I just have this cast of characters and one of them is NA.  The book takes place in Montana, which has a big NA population.  So it makes sense.  I said I want to avoid any stereotypes or Hollywood cliches and I don't want to come off like someone who is completely ignorant to their way of thinking in modern times, etc.  I really tried to be as politically correct and as respectful as possible in this post. 

But it was removed and apparently as a white person it's very insensitive of me to include an NA character in my book.  Ok, sure.  I think this is interesting though, because as a white person, if I only wrote about white characters, then I would be called racist for doing so.  And it's also worth noting that I never even said I am white in this post because I didn't think it was relevant.  They just guessed.  But for all they know I could be Black, Asian, Hispanic, etc. 

Ok, I get it that my kind were the bad guys in history a lot.  But I personally didn't come over here and take this land for myself.  I didn't own slaves, etc.  All this stuff happened centuries before my grandparents were even born.  This modern idea that white people are all racists and we all need to be ashamed of stuff our ancestors did hundreds of years ago is getting old.  Not saying the things white people did hundreds of years ago were ok.  I'm just saying it sucks being accused of racism and racial insensitivity just because I'm white.    

And groups of people (I don't just mean race here) complain about being misrepresented in the media, ok, but here I am trying to represent them accurately and I'm being insensitive.  I had the same thing happened in the CPS subreddit recently.  I'm trying to portray the CPS workers in this story in a neutral way and I'm being told my plot is "very offensive." 

I'm glad I'm planning on publishing under a pen name because I don't want an angry mob at my door.  It sucks that creative people can't just be creative anymore without pissing a bunch of people off.  Could you imagine if someone like George Carlin was an up and coming comic now?  He would be booed off the stage... and the man was a legend. 

I also think it's interesting that in this time when everyone is hyper sensitive, the way we treat disabled people hasn't gotten any better. 

 

[Batya33]

Your reference to out west and Native Americans reminded me that I am reading (and for the first time in a long time my husband and I are reading the same book) Killers of the Flower Moon which also is a movie out now -nonfiction - you might want to take a look even in terms of research.  It's --- long - but well written!

[Cynder]

So here I am not wanting to go to sleep again...  but tonight it's because I'm just feeling too happy and productive.  I've been dealing with a sinus infection for about the past ten days.  Friday I just bit the bullet and went to Urgent care even though I don't have insurance.  Sinus infections can spread to the brain if not treated and my head is already messed up enough.  Thankfully I was approved for free care because I'm dirt poor and uninsured. And they gave me antibiotics and Prednisone.  I've been on Prednisone one other time for a skin problem years ago (I have really sensitive skin.)  And it makes me feel the way I've always imagined being manic must feel to someone with Bipolar.  That's a good thing for a little while...  but the downside is it's really hard to sleep. 

But I got so much done this weekend.  I finished outlining the novel I'm going to write next month.  I got pretty far on outlining my futuristic crime drama, too.

When it comes to my crime drama...  this is one I figured I would never actually write because I figured there just wasn't enough complexity to the story.  But then when I actually started outlining it, I started realizing how complex and layered it really is. The wold building was a really fun part of it because it takes place 300 years in the future, and I love futurism as a genre.  I like the speculative angle of it.  At it's core it's basically a story about a politician and his estranged (criminal) daughter.  But there are a lot of subplots.  There is a rags to riches aspect to the story.  There are also themes of corruption, classism, reproductive rights, a system that is meant to keep certain people down, etc.  There's a little romance in it, too, but that's not a main focus.  It's just something that happens along the way.  And it's a gay pairing. 

I first started developing this idea in my head 7 years ago.  And for all this time I just figured it would never see the light of day.  But now I feel like I have to tell this story because if I don't it all goes to waste.  I'm not going to live to be very old.  I got my dad's genetics everywhere.  And none of my aunts on his side of the family lived to be older than 52.  Maybe this sudden need to write is a midlife crisis thing, idk.  But for me, most likely what is midlife for an average person is probably the home stretch.  I've wished I was dead for years.  And now I feel like I can't die before I tell all these stories I've been carrying around in my head for so long. 

And I feel guilty because I feel like I've wasted so much time.  There was nothing stopping me from doing this years ago other than tons of discouragement from family. 

But since my NDE I also know that nothing happens that isn't supposed to happen.  So, if I'm meant to live long enough to tell them, I will. 

I wonder what was going through my Mom's head when she threw all those stories in the trash at her work.  I wonder if she still thinks about it.  She was present when I sold my first original painting.  It was at WF in 2014.  Her and my Grandma stopped by my booth just to say hi, and I happened to make that sale when they were there.  She started to cry.  I wonder if she'll cry when I release my first novel, too.  My goal isn't to make my Mom cry, if anyone is wondering.  I just wonder if she will think about all the discouragement. 

I've said before that they didn't really try to stop me from doing art and stuff.  They didn't really praise my work but they didn't discourage it.  It was just something my parents didn't really talk about.  But man, they really didn't like it that I wrote as much as I did.  And they didn't like that I wanted to do that for a living.  I remember I was working on this one short story once that I was so into... I was sitting in the living room just writing it in a notebook.  And my Dad kept getting really mad at me because I was wiring and not "spending time with the family."  I was sitting in the same room as them.  They were just watching TV. 

There were so many times when I got my computer taken away for minor infractions.  My Mom even threatened to delete all my files once.  "If you don't straighten your ass up the next time I take your computer I'm gonna delete all your damn stories!"  "You think I won't do it?  Don't push me.  Maybe I'll even make you delete them before I take your computer." 

I didn't push her...  but I also had to laugh to myself because Hello, I'm smart enough to back up my files. 

Even now, I write in Google Docs.  And everything is saved to a cloud.  But I still back everything up.  I have everything I'm working on downloaded as a PDF on my computer and copied onto a flash drive.  It's possible to lose your Google Docs. 

I try to look back on this stuff with my parents and see it from the mind of a non creative person.  People who aren't creative can't think like creative people.  So, just like I don't understand the importance of sports, etc, they just didn't understand how important my work was to me. 

I already went and pat on my Dad's grave back in May and don't have any plans to visit his grave again.  But the idea of walking up to his grave with one of my novels in my hand and being like, "Look A**hole, I did it!"  is really funny to me. 

This is the first week I haven't met my deadline that my coach gave me.  But I've also been sick.  And the next chapter in that book is a really heavy chapter where a few things happen that will change my main character's life forever.  (The most significant being he witnesses a murder... and everything else is a direct result of that.) And so it's a chapter I don't want to rush and don't want to attempt when I'm not feeling particularly sharp.  I told my coach this and he understood.  I wonder if it's reasonable to ask him to put the chapter deadline on hold for the month of November and NaNoWriMo.  Or if he would want to look at four chapters of my NaNo Project instead.  Because a whole novel in a month is a lot.  And so pretty much all my writing time will go into NaNo. 

Anyway...  now I think I am actually going to go to sleep so I can wake up and be happy and productive and prednisone manic again.  If this stuff didn't have so many nasty side effects in the long term I would almost want to stay on it, lol.