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Life On The Rocinante' (After Dark!)


Cynder
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I really wish I would have just followed the advice I was given by some and found a soup kitchen to volunteer at today...

 

My boyfriend and his family gave me a really nice Christmas.

 

But... my family can always be counted on.

 

I know as an adult I really shouldn't whine about anything given to me. But I am human.

 

When I was still living with Adam I had a PS3. He moved out while I was at work and took it. When I disputed this, his answer was, "Well, you didn't say you wanted to keep it, so..." The fact that I wasn't home to say anything seemed irrelevant to him.

 

So, since then I have tried to replace it. It's been one of those situations where every time I get a little but of money saved up I end up having to use it for something else.

 

Now that they have come down in price so much since the new systems are out, I dropped a few hints about it for Christmas. No one in my family actually came out and asked me what I wanted, so that's why I dropped the hints.

 

A few weeks ago I get a text from my brother asking me if I can buy my sister a guitar. I couldn't afford it. (I am laid off from work right now, after all.) He told me they were getting her a PS3 and asked me if I could get her an $80 game for it. I couldn't afford that either.

 

Today my sister opened up her PS3 and was like, "Seriously, a PlayStation?" And she had this puzzled look on her face like, "What the hell am I going to do with this?"

 

Then they gave me a TV. Now, I know a TV would be an awesome gift in most circumstances... but when I have no cable, and no online device to hook Netflix up to it with, it's pretty much useless.

 

Then my Mom explains to me that PS3s were really cheap on black Friday and they considered getting me one too in addition to the TV, but they thought I already had one. I told her no, Adam took it. And then she was like, "Well doesn't Aaron have one?" I told her no, he doesn't.

 

And... throughout the day my allergies were acting up really bad, causing all kinds of sinus misery and making my eyes water and my nose run. My Mom kept asking me about this. She asked me why I was crying at one point. I told her it's my allergies. She was like, "Your allergies are making you cry?"

 

Then she starts with the "Are you crying because you're disappointed?" And yes, while I was disappointed, I wasn't crying because of that. It really was allergies. My nose was running and my eyes were watering, it's not like I was sitting there sobbing.

 

And then she just kept bringing it up that they were going to get me a PS3 but thought I already had one. That doesn't make much sense to me. Why would you consider buying something for someone if they already have it? Idk... after a while it was almost like she was just rubbing it in my face and prodding for a reaction. And he constant badgering about my allergies and why I was crying was making me really uncomfortable and it was making me really want to cry.

 

Meanwhile, Aaron was home sick, really sick, with the flu. So I was worried about him too...

 

And now, I know there are going to be conversations had by them about how ungrateful I am, how they bought me a TV and I was still not happy, etc.

 

Last year I didn't get what I wanted either... and then a week after Christmas my Mom teasingly announced that she was going to get me what I wanted by I didn't formally ask her to, so she didn't. Well, it's pretty tacky and childish for an adult to outright ask for something for Christmas. It's not like she gave me the opportunity and said, "What do you want for Christmas?"

 

Idk, after a while of this crap I start wondering if it's me that's messed up or if it's them. I am the one that's supposed to have mental problems. But my family pulls stuff like this on me and somehow I always feel guilty afterwords like I did something wrong.

 

And it's obvious my sister didn't even want her PS3. Aaron said maybe she'll sell it to me. But I'm not going to ask or even suggest that. I know that will just cause all kinds of drama.

 

And I really do appreciate the TV they got me. I know TVs aren't cheap. I just currently have no use for it.

 

To me the birth of Jesus means nothing. I'm not a Christian. I would be all for time with loved ones, etc... if it wasn't so upsetting every year. I think next year I might make different plans.

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  • 2 months later...

I'm so sick and tired of feeling this way... Depression is hard enough when there is a good reason for it. When there is no reason for it it just gets frustrating after a while. WHen a person has a good reason to be depressed, they work through whatever it is and move on with their life. When there is no reason for it, there is also no ending in site.

 

I think my work schedule is probably playing a part in it... being moved to second shift wasn't my choice and since making that move I have no life at all through the week. I get up, go to work, go to the gym, come home and go to bed. It sucks being settled into this routine. I don't have much time during the week to work on my art or film or any of that. I feel like all I do is work and sleep.

 

I had my first counseling appointment last week. And I am dreading the next one, tbh. I came out of the appointment feeling worse then I do going in, and all I did was cry for the rest of the day pretty much.

 

When I start feeling depressed at work I try thinking about projects I'm working on, and travel plans... but that isn't always enough to fend it off. It's pretty hard to get through the work day without crying anymore.

 

And I have no reason in the world to be depressed. None. This is the first depressive episode I've been through that wasn't for a reason. It sucks. I just want it to be over.

 

I'm raising money to go down to the Amazon. I think I will find more help there then in any doctor's office here.

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Despite being depressed, I've still managed to be productive... somehow.

 

 

 

 

 

These are all works in progress... The top one is an album cover I was hired to do for a local band. The middle one is a synesthetic work, and the bottom one is just something I was playing around with. I think art is about the one thing keeping me sane at this point.

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  • 4 weeks later...

I came to grips with mortality in my mid twenties. I always had a feeling I would die young, and that a disease would kill me. So I guess I'm not that young anymore. And the disease isn't even a confirmed diagnosis yet. But it all seems really surreal.

 

I had all this stuff I wanted to write... but it's just not flowing out like it should. I don't want people reading this to think I'm being over dramatic, but at the same time I feel like I also need a place to write about it and get it all out.

 

People say I shouldn't be thinking this way without seeing the specialist yet. And I've even had one person tell me "It must not be that big a deal if the specialist isn't seeing you until May." I don't think that's it... the specialist can't see me until May. I know this person cares a lot about me and they were probably trying to convince them self that it's not a big deal more then me...

 

I've told Aaron, my mom and a few close friends. Aaron was there when I got the news... he took me to the first Doctor's appointment.

 

I am fully aware of the spectrum of seriousness this disease has. I know it could be nothing. But I also know it kills people. I don't know how long I've had it... It could have been discovered early, I could have had it since I was a teenager. Who knows.

 

But, as mentioned before, I always felt like I would die reasonably young... from a disease. So, as messed up as it is, if it is really bad and it turns out my insides are rotten, I'm not even upset. I see it as going home, not dying. I'm more upset for the people around me. But I know they'll all move on. I don't have kids, so there's no one to pass on my legacy to. But that's ok. There honestly wouldn't be much to pass, lol.

 

When I first found out one of the first thoughts that came to mind was... all the effort I've made to take care of myself over the years, all the working out, eating healthy, taking vitamins... for nothing. But really, it's not for nothing. Because if I have to get treatment, this all could work to my advantage. All the good care I've taken of myself over the years could seriously aid me in beating this, if it can be beat.

 

So, it's almost like either is good news, as strange as that sounds. I don't fear death. I embrace it. I've looked forward to my death for years. So, if I am really sick and even past the point of help, it's a good thing. But, it's also a good thing if it's nothing and it can be cured easily.

 

But... with my luck, it will probably be somewhere in the middle. It will probably be one of these situations where they don't really know how bad it will be... so they decide to just try everything. And the treatment will have awful side effects (which I've already looked into, they aren't fun.) and this will cost me thousands and thousands of dollars. And I will have to take a leave of absence from work, unpaid, and that means I won't be able to pay my bills so I'll have to move in with my Mom. Then, eventually there will be nothing more they can do, and my quality of life will be nonexistent. I will be depressed, sick, tired and hating everything. My family and friends will all pity me and remember me the way I was. Then it will be cured, and I will be in medical debt for the rest of my life and never be able to get back on my feet again. It will take my body years to bounce back, if it ever does.

 

This last scenario is what I'm really afraid of. I hope it can either be killed easily, or will kill me easily. As strange as that sounds.

 

"I close thee, my beloved, into my heart

Conceal thy memory in my inner sanctum

In my thoughts thou shall forever be

As a dear and precious remembrance

I'm dethroned in the reign of entity

My tears descend like of ebony

Life is the theatre of tragedy

Dying, I only feel apathy."

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  • 3 months later...

Today was the worst day I've had in a long time. I'm getting so tired of this crap. I had a self proclaimed psychic tell me once that I would literally die of depression. If that's the case I wish it would just hurry the hell up.

 

Last night I had such a good time. I was on this emotional high all night. Then this morning I woke up feeling sick and really... really down. I had a counseling appointment this morning and I started bawling as soon as I walked into her office. When she asked me what was happening to make me this emotional, I told her nothing. And it was the truth, and that's what makes this so damn frustrating. There is NOTHING going on in my life right now to cause any depression. I've been crying all day. I couldn't eat breakfast because I woke up feeling all nauseous. I couldn't finish my lunch at work for the same reason.

 

I don't know what the hell to do anymore.

 

I think a lot of this negativity is a result of loneliness. But I can't do much about that. All my friends scattered all over the country over the last two years. I can't make them all move back. I also can't really go out and meet people when I work the crazy hours I do.

 

Something has to give...

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I'm sorry you are feeling so sad right now Cynder. That's appalling what that "psychic" told you. That must be a line that some of the nutty ones spin out to people when they are not feeling happy themselves - I recently read about 2 different women who had been told by the same "psychic" that they would commit suicide!! The two women happened to be friends of each other, and one of them saw it as bs, but the other got scared to death. I recently went to a woman who claims to be psychic after somebody recommended her to me, and she was a total fraud. I think there are some genuine psychics, but they are few and far between and you are unlikely to see them advertising or even wanting money.

 

Maybe you are in need of a holiday and meeting up with some of your old friends.

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I'm sorry you are feeling so sad right now Cynder. That's appalling what that "psychic" told you. That must be a line that some of the nutty ones spin out to people when they are not feeling happy themselves - I recently read about 2 different women who had been told by the same "psychic" that they would commit suicide!! The two women happened to be friends of each other, and one of them saw it as bs, but the other got scared to death. I recently went to a woman who claims to be psychic after somebody recommended her to me, and she was a total fraud. I think there are some genuine psychics, but they are few and far between and you are unlikely to see them advertising or even wanting money.

 

Maybe you are in need of a holiday and meeting up with some of your old friends.

 

I've actually had two self proclaimed psychics tell me if I ever have a child it will die in todlerhood. Luckily I don't want kids. lol One of the two was the same woman who told me I would die of depression.

 

I used to run a Pagan/Occult interest group in my area. That's how I got acquainted with these people.

 

I used to do Tarot reading... I always made it really clear that I was only doing this for entertainment though, and to take what I say with a grain of salt. I never charged money either. But it got to the point where people were just random;y giving out my number and I was getting calls from strangers wanting readings.

 

I had a guy tell me he won money because of me once, lol. I saw money coming to him in his reading... Then he said he bought a scratch off ticket and won $50. But the thing is he probably wouldn't have bought the ticket if I didn't tell him I saw money in his cards.

 

I am a huge skeptic. It's hard to believe in much of anything anymore.

 

I have thought about going to St. Louis where a lot of my friends now live. But I don't have enough time off work.

 

We are so restricted in our freedoms in this country. Slaves to our freaking jobs. It sucks.

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It used to feel like a slave to my job and stuck in the place I was living. I actually liked the place but had a housemate I found unbearable. Financially, I was living week to week. Finally, I took the plunge. I had wanted to go rural for as long as I could remember, but there was always something stopping me. I started looking for jobs within the organisation I was already with, and their offices in country locations. Best thing I ever did. I had to stick my neck out a bit and there were times, I thought nothing was going to happen, but I am in a much better job, higher pay, and I am renting a lovely big house on my own in an amazing location. I wouldn't say that I am close to any old friends, but I am making new ones.

 

It wasn't too long ago that it felt like my job was physically killing me, and I had to work my ass off to pay for the car I needed to hold down the crappy job. 8 haven't been here too long yet, and I do have some finances I need to clear up as the move did cost me, but I will be a couple of hundred dollars better of each week for this move - and I am MUCH happier.

 

Yeah, well as a pagan, wouldn't you know that for so called clairvoyants to tell you something like that,they could more than likely be bringing bad energy onto themselves. I don't believe anyway that they could know something like that.

 

There likely is a way for you to see your friends in St Louie. if it was me, I would ask the universe for guidance and help, and see what happens.

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Oh yea, I know bad energy comes back to the people who send it out. But there are a lot of good people who have bad things happen to them, unfortunately. That principle more applies to modern breeds of Paganism. I practice Asatru. I am old school. (Some would debate that Asatru is modern too... I guess it depends on how you look at it.)

 

I will get down to St. Louis here soon I'm sure. I have another friend who lives in Alabama who has offered to pay my way down. She's having a hard time understanding I only have a few vacation days left this year.

 

It's cool that everything worked out for you like it did. I can't live in the country. I can't drive, so I need to live where I can easily walk or take public transportation.

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Hey, any chance you can take paid sick days to go see your friend in Alabama?

 

Paid vacation days and paid sick days aren't separated where I work. They are all the same thing. I get 9 days a year. I used more then I normally would by this time of the year because of some bad medical circumstances earlier this year. I have Halloween off, which is a Friday. I thought about going down that weekend. I've never been to the southern part of the US.

 

I'm going to Europe for the third time next summer... but haven't even scratched the surface of my own country.

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Well I hope you do it - LOL, my mother was in childbirth with me Halloween, and I was born early hours of the morning 1st November, Belltane and All Saints Day. Hope you will be planning your own celebration on that day. I will put a message out to the universe for you myself Cynder so hang tight and let's see what happens.

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You must be in the Southern hemisphere.

 

Thanks for the positive vibes...

 

I did wake up feeling better today. I don't know if it is genuine or just the fact that I finally had a decent night of sleep.

 

I also looked in the mirror this morning when I was getting ready for work and thought, "Wow, I don't look half bad today."

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I wanted to post this stuff last night... but just didn't get around to it. These are synestheitc representations. One is finished, the other two are WIPs of the same painting.

 

 

 

I really wish they wouldn't come up so small... oh well though. This is a representation of this song:

 

[video=youtube;7bleAGvf4BI] ]

 

And then these two...

 

 

 

 

 

... are representations of this song:

 

(Will link below... apparently you can't have two videos in the same post.)

 

^ This song has kind of become my anthem here of late. I haven't really looked into what it actually means. I don't want to know. I know a lot of people speculate that it's about domestic violence.

 

To me, it seems to represent the battle between the part of me that insists on being depressed and that part of me that's trying so hard to fight it. I know that probably doesn't make any sense to most people. But I don't think like most people, so...

 

And I love what he says at the beginning of the song, about finding a comfortable space, that's not only comfortable but vulnerable. I can't really say I've found that space yet. Not lately anyway.

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It gets really lonely when our friends drift away I agree. When I moved here four years ago I didn't know one single soul. I got into a really bad funk for a while. I understand what you mean when you say something has to give. It just feels like you're totally overwhelmed. Are you a really social person Cynder? I know I am and I need that social interaction.

 

Do get a lot of social interaction from your artistic endeavors?

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It gets really lonely when our friends drift away I agree. When I moved here four years ago I didn't know one single soul. I got into a really bad funk for a while. I understand what you mean when you say something has to give. It just feels like you're totally overwhelmed. Are you a really social person Cynder? I know I am and I need that social interaction.

 

Do get a lot of social interaction from your artistic endeavors?

 

I am actually an introvert. But I do need social interaction, if that makes any sense. Before my job moved me to second and before everyone left town I was constantly going out and doing things. Now the only person I hang out with is my boyfriend and that's only on the weekends. I'm not saying hanging out with him is bad, but he is the only person I hang out with.

 

I have in the past gotten social interaction from being an artist. The band I just did a layout for invited me to their CD release party (but chances are I won't be able to go because I will probably have to work.) I went to a friend's Gallery opening a month or so ago.

 

I actually get more social interactions from posting my work on facebook then anywhere else, lol. I post works in progress on there and they always get attention.

 

I am currently the director of photography for an independent film that's shooting in my area. Filming is a pretty social thing I guess. It is but it isn't. Because people are standing around talking, but also everyone is working.

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Yes, I understand ,even introverts do require some social interaction. Every person on the planet needs to feel that they are part of some social group. We are a social species after all. Yes ,it must be difficult to only have social interaction with your significant other. That is what what happened to me when I moved to this small-town four years ago. I only had social interaction with my husband and my child. But my husband had work and friends at work and my child went to school and gained friends. I really had no one. I eventually had to get out and start volunteering and eventually employment and then gained more friends.

 

Yes, I understand there is social interaction at work but it's not exactly the same as when you're just chilling with a friend.

 

You're such an interesting person. And a very talented person.

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Yes, I understand ,even introverts do require some social interaction. Every person on the planet needs to feel that they are part of some social group. We are a social species after all. Yes ,it must be difficult to only have social interaction with your significant other. That is what what happened to me when I moved to this small-town four years ago. I only had social interaction with my husband and my child. But my husband had work and friends at work and my child went to school and gained friends. I really had no one. I eventually had to get out and start volunteering and eventually employment and then gained more friends.

 

Yes, I understand there is social interaction at work but it's not exactly the same as when you're just chilling with a friend.

You're such an interesting person. And a very talented person.

 

For a while after I got moved onto second a bunch of my co workers would all go out to the bar after work. I was always invited and I usually went. But after a while that fizzled out. I think the reason was probably the same for everyone. It started getting expensive after a while.

 

I do see people at the gym. But I go so late at night that there are only one or two other people there, if anyone at all.

 

As for the bold part, thanks. I suck at taking compliments. lol...

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Been feeling a little better these last few days. I feel like I have wasted a lot of time though pissing around on the internet instead of being productive. Tonight I got home from work at like 10:30 and haven't gotten anything done except the dishes and a little straightening up in the living room. I've just been listening to music on youtube and clicking around online. Not good, not good.

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When I decide to do a painting of a song, strange things happen. I decide to paint certain songs because I absolutely love them. But then in the course of painting them, I get sick of listening to them. By the time the painting is finished the song has almost lost all it's power for me. So it's such an act of love in a way... but it ends up feeling like almost an insult in the end. I don't expect anyone reading this to understand. This is a problem only an artist and a synesthete could have.

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LOL. Hope this isn't insulting or patronising, but I used to feel similar when I used to be knitting my husband a sweater.

 

Not insulting or patronizing at all. I think people probably experience this on all levels of creativity.

 

Now I'm trying to put this in the perspective of someone who is knitting, lol.

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