It can happen if you really get your act together

[tillyy]

Just proves we never know & that change is the key factor even more. I think the only reason I got another chance the first time was because it appeared like I had changed for a while but I easily slipped back into my old ways. Change is definitely the key factor but you need time to do this & to keep to the changes & I'm glad I have realised this now.

[Lbones]

First time posting here. Have read this thread about 5 times and it makes more sense each time.

 

My ex-g of 7 years broke up with me about 2 months ago. We never lived together as we have 2 teenagers each and the dynamics didn't fit. Like any relationship, the first 2 years were incredible but then reality set in. Things were still pretty good until about a year ago when her father died. Shortly after, she said she was depressed but that is when the negative comments started coming my way. I never questioned the comments as I knew she was under stress. She was also holding down two jobs just to get ahead but it was taking its toll on her. For all 7 years, I was major support for her when it came to running her kids around and doing things for her around her house.

 

After one month of NC, I sent her an email accepting blame for what went wrong. Things like "The relationship got boring" and "the long intimate talks were less frequent". I also asked if we could be friends.

 

Guess I missed the mark as her response was filled with anger. It started by saying "If you want to know why I broke up, just say the word". I responded in kind but never put any blame on her. She responded with more anger but then listed 5 reasons as to why. The first three were character flaws she saw in me that were never mentioned before. She also said I could pick my stuff up off her deck Saturday evening. I was a bit shocked and relieved at the same time because now I knew what bothered her. Not that I agreed with them but it gave me something to work on. I responded by validating her complaints and I could see her point of view. No response from her.

 

When I picked my things up Saturday evening, half of it was missing. She kept what she wanted and returned that things she couldn't use. I texted her the next morning and in a polite manner, said there were still some things I would like to pick up. The anger really flew this time. "WOW...there is so much I could say. I can understand you were angry by what I said in my last email" (which I wasn't), "I'm surprised you would tarnish your reputation over these things that you have given me the last 7 years. Things that I am considering gifts", "People's true colors come out in a time like this...thanks for showing me yours", "I'm disappointed in the man you have become", "Do not contact me any further. Please stay away from me and my children".

 

That was one month ago and there has been NC since. I just couldn't understand the incredible amount of anger she showed.

 

Because of this thread, I purchased a book by Harville Hendrix and started reading about the "Imago Theory". It put everything into perspective and answered so many questions. As a chid, my ex-g was mentally abused by her mother. Her mother also blamed her father for all of her unhappiness. I'm starting to see a pattern.

 

I am also using the book to improve on myself. I'm still in love with the women I met 7 years ago and I am trying to detach from that for now. My question is, once I improve on the things I need to, how can I show her if NC is the rule? I am still some months away and time is on my side for healing old wounds but I don't foresee any way of showing her the changes I made.

[thejigsup]

If you want to keep annoying an ex, keep in touch with them. NC is the best way to get a ex to come back, though it doesn't happen often. But really now, if the relationship had been truly viable, it would never have ended. I never go back. Life is truly about moving forward. There is always someone better out there than someone it didn't work with.

[Tired Tiger]

My question is, once I improve on the things I need to, how can I show her if NC is the rule? I am still some months away and time is on my side for healing old wounds but I don't foresee any way of showing her the changes I made.

 

Lbones, I can relate to several things you describe, including the unexpected lashing out. What's interesting about that is the fact that anger isn't the opposite of love... indifference is. As to your question, here's the catch - if you're asking what you can do to show her you've changed... you're not ready. There's still an element of requiring her approval for your own self worth. Don't think of things in terms of "NC" = get her back, think of it as letting go = getting yourself back, and there's nothing more important than that. Life has a way of taking care of the rest. In 30 years at this relationship stuff, all but one ex has reappeared in some form or another. They can and do, but never when I tried to make it happen.

 

If you want to keep annoying an ex, keep in touch with them. NC is the best way to get a ex to come back, though it doesn't happen often. But really now, if the relationship had been truly viable, it would never have ended. I never go back. Life is truly about moving forward. There is always someone better out there than someone it didn't work with.

 

Well, aren't you Miss Sunshine?

 

I think Jasper covered this in the opening post:

 

I encourage you to discard these ways of thinking. While at the same time supporting and validating the folks who currently are in this frame of mind. I understand you too and you make sense given what you've been through. I've just seen different.

 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

No matter how you try to bend this situation, hon, it doesn't change the facts. She's gone.

 

I came accross another thread that talked of GIGS breakups. And my case seems to be a perfect example. All the symptoms just fit in right.

 

You broke up for a reason, because it wasn't meant to be.

 

Nc is for you.

 

NC will make my partner miss me.

 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

I'm not going to get into the details about why these thoughts seem to me not so helpful. I encourage you to find the answers for yourself. What I can tell you is that my belief is that any form of punishment, invalidation, or withholding does not lead to real love and healing. It is wounding that lead to the struggle and the separation. Continuing the hurt and inability to understand your partner can not get it back.

[Lbones]

TT, thanks for your comments. I know what I need to do to change but I'm not ready and I suspect it will take several months. I just have to detach and do the things I need to do but also do what makes me happy. I also believe in destiny which some may view as hogwash. This happened for a reason and I'm looking on that as a chance to grow and improve myself. If it isn't her, it will be someone just as wonderful; if not, more so.

 

I wanted her back after one month. But then I realized there was no way I could deal with that on an emotional level. Time apart is the best thing for now. Just took me some time to figure that out.

[piratehound]

Great OP and great thread. Worth reading and rereading.

 

I do have a question for the OP, can you explain more about this:

 

When I was finally able to validate her reality, that was what turned it around. And it didn't happen all at once. But I do see looking back that there was no other way for either of us once I changed.

 

Also, isn't this a least slightly contradictory to the "if it's meant to be it's meant to be line" you don't believe in?

 

thanks again for this thread.

[Lbones]

Hi TT, Quick question for you or even Jasper if he is out there.

 

Regarding Jasper's original post for this thread, I now know why and totally understand why my ex-g broke up with me. Yes I still have lots of work to do on myself to get where I need to be. If she requested NC, is there an appropriate time to validate her reasons for the breakup. It has been two months now but one month since she requested NC.

 

I thought about sending her a letter but would I be disrespecting her wishes if she requested NC?

 

Or do I forget about her for now and just wait for that chance meeting down the road and then validate?

 

Your thoughts are always welcome and appreciated!!!

[Tired Tiger]

piratehound - jasper isn't around much anymore, but I'll take a shot at your question. "If it's meant to be..." doesn't really mean anything. It's a tired cliche that suggests that we have no control over circumstances, or that any attempt to do so is futile. It's an idiosyncratic and illogical notion. By gaining awareness and acceptance, we can improve circumstances and affect possible outcomes.

 

Lbones - It's best to continue honoring her wishes to be left alone. Any attempt to break that on your part would be pushing. Also be aware that 2 months is a relatively short length of time after a long term relationship. While it probably 'feels' like 6 months to you, it likely feels like 2 weeks to her. That's just how it works. The two of you aren't living the same perceived time line, and are on completely different pages. She still needs a substantial amount of time to get beyond the resentment she apparently feels, and you need to continue focus on yourself. You have the right frame of mind and awareness, but understand that truly meaningful change doesn't occur in a couple of months - especially while dealing with the emotional fallout of a break up.

 

Besides, unless you murdered her puppy and slept with her mom, the odds are more likely than not that you'll hear from her again eventually (if you leave her alone in the interim). Just don't sit around waiting for it, or try to do anything to speed the process. Keep focusing on what you need to do for you, and you'll find the concepts of both 'letting go' and patience (not always mutually exclusive to each other) will get easier and easier.

[Lbones]

TT...thanks again for your wisdom. I came to that same conclusion a few hours after I posted. Patience is key and I have to trust that time is on my side. Gives the old wounds a chance to heel for both of us. For me, the last two days have been my best ones since the breakup. Might also have to do with the two rounds of golf I played. That was how we met but it was something I got away from doing. For everyone else, NEVER GIVE UP DOING THE THINGS THAT MAKE YOU HAPPY!!!. You will suffer for it in the long run. You can cut back on it a bit, but never give it up. You will regret and maybe indirectly harbor resentment if you do.

 

Funny you mentioned the puppy thing. A few years ago, I bought her some flowers and the kitten got into them. Poor cat died a week later. Felt bad about that for some time.

 

Also want to touch on the PUSH/PULL theory. When I was married, my ex-wife became manic depressive. To make matters worse she began drinking too much. She had several affairs but because we had kids, I tried to make it work. For the next 5 months, because of her depression, she was a basket case and I ran the household. We each sought or own counciling but never saw a marriage councillor until the fifth month. In that first session, she had no intention of making it work. I gave it a few weeks and then gave her the divorce she wanted. But we stayed in the same house until the closing date. During that time, I met someone but nothing serious at the time. It gave me something more positive to focus on and made me happy. Shortly after, my ex-wife notice how happy I had become and asked me straight up if I was seeing someone. When I said yes, she suddenly took an interest in me but it was too late at that point.

 

Just goes to prove, if you become happy and act happy, even under the worst circumstances, anything can happen.

[rapunzel]

piratehound - jasper isn't around much anymore

 

Actually, methinks I have spied jasper01 around here lately....and would love to know the current status of his reconciliation.....

[Tired Tiger]

Actually, methinks I have spied jasper01 around here lately....and would love to know the current status of his reconciliation.....

 

See page 9...

[kk0310]

i love this thread...great, great posts by tired tiger...long relationship, had a great 2 month attempt at reconciliation but split up again for almost 6 weeks now...LC since but ex just wants to be alone right now and no relationship/dating with anyone... i am 40 and he's 46. i'm going NC today for me. no idea where his head is at, but not my problem right now either. i need to work on myself to be a better person for my own self and future. i thought i had done my work during our first break up (about 6 months or so of frequent email/text contact) but our summer fling showed me i have some more work to do... this thread has made me feel so much better as i was having a tough day today...thanks everyone.

[snoopydog]

You are a great writer and I enjoy reading your thoughts.

[abigheart]

Tired Tiger, thanks for your insight from the start of this thread to now! My question though is...what if the ex did not request NC but rather wanted to still have open communication, perhaps not as often? I wish that I had read this thread thoroughly months ago before announcing and going full-on NC as I feel like now NC not the right "fit" for me in moving on. People purport there is no other way than NC, but I am really seeing that it's not applicable to everyone's situations.

 

6 months into the break-up, I am thankful that I have a far better understanding of why he broke up with me; I see where things went wrong on my part DESPITE the fact he NEVER said anything about my behavior as a result of him breaking it off. I suppose my ex was just trying to be nice, but I will believe him when he did say that it's just not his time right now to be in a long-term r/s (We were together for 2). I still take responsibility for my own actions, and I want to change that for the next r/s, whether it's with him or not.

 

With that said, maybe it's good that keeping up NC for almost 5 months now helped me see these things, but I'm reaching a point where things get blurry...I just don't know if NC is right any more for me given my ex/my personality, our dynamic and the circumstances of the break-up and r/s. It's what I genuinely feel deep down. But everyone--my friends, family, the ENA board--have driven NC into my head so much that I feel like I ironically epitomize what was mentioned in the earlier pages of "resistance = attachment." Thus, I still feel an attachment to my ex and the break-up without ever reaching out to him.

 

What really spoke to me in the earlier pages was what one of the members said about approaching the break-up as a meditation practice. Is it possible or is it too late to start to open lines of communication? I want to still have open communication with him and just let things flow, not in an effort to get him back but to really face things as they are. I just feel like maintaining NC was a total tactic on my part now for him to "miss me," to see what he's missing out on etc, etc, but if HE wanted to have open lines of communication immediately after the break-up, why wasn't I so willing? Sigh, I'm being too hard on myself I guess?

 

I don't want to backtrack but I feel like opening the lines of communication will just help me practice a more meditative approach towards him and the break-up. So far, I've just held SO MUCH in because of NC that I just want to burst.

 

Would it be a bad idea? I feel like I've pulled far too away esp when he wasn't interested in finding someone else, but rather himself...I can't blame him for that.

 

Thank you for your feedback in advance. This has been killing me inside, and I feel much more alive re-reading this thread.

[Live-N-Learn]

If one of us suffers from abandonment fear, we will partner with those people who trigger our abandonment fears and those partners will most likely have their own abandonment fear.

 

I believe this describes me to a T. I have issues that are deeper than her that I feel I need to work on me to be ready for the next girl. I believe I have deep abandonment issues that drive some of my actions. When I am rejected is seems that I am trying to repair the past by getting them back. It's like if only they would accept me, love me and take me back, I would be OK. Too much of my value is based on her responses to me. This is not a healthy mindset. So at least I know what I need to work on. Any advise on how I move forward?

[delicous]

has anyone read," how to get your ex back" did it ever work for anybody?

[sunday2010]

has anyone read," how to get your ex back" did it ever work for anybody?

 

don't bother none of it worked for me

[Capthxc]

I believe this describes me to a T. I have issues that are deeper than her that I feel I need to work on me to be ready for the next girl. I believe I have deep abandonment issues that drive some of my actions. When I am rejected is seems that I am trying to repair the past by getting them back. It's like if only they would accept me, love me and take me back, I would be OK. Too much of my value is based on her responses to me. This is not a healthy mindset. So at least I know what I need to work on. Any advise on how I move forward?

Sounds a lot like me. I cant stand rejection and i try to avoid it as much as possible. Much of my paranoia that broke up this relationship is due to my abandonment issues, i always thought she was going to leave me for someone better than I. Its a terrible mindset to have, one that pushes them away, even when you arent trying to. I keep living in the past, focusing on how i can make things right between us again. I deleted her off FB, she has me ignored on all of our online games, she changed the PW on her voice chat server, and we live about 900 miles away from each other now. I keep getting the lurking feeling in the back of my mind that even if i was to change, she wouldnt even try to notice, she wouldnt even care, even though thats what she told me she wants me to do right now more than anything. Its that mindset now that prevents me from making the changes i need to make, and im starting to revert into the terrible state i was in prior to our relationship, when i had practically given up on everything. I've acknowledged that the only i way i can move forward is to work on the present, and push towards the future. I cant try to right the wrongs i did in the past, whats done is done. The only way i can actually apologize to her is if show her im as mature as she thought i was by not pestering her and making the right changes in my life for me, and not her. It's just the thought of never talking to her again, someone who was so close to my heart, keeps me from making this push. I've acknowledged the problem, but i cant find a way to move forward. Even when i find something to occupy my time and get my mind off things, i just revert back to the sorry state i was in before.

[Lbones]

delicious...the main premise of these books is about changing yourself and letting your significant other see those changes. Read this thread over from the beginning if you haven't already. It conveys the same message.

[Tired Tiger]

My question though is...what if the ex did not request NC but rather wanted to still have open communication, perhaps not as often? I wish that I had read this thread thoroughly months ago before announcing and going full-on NC as I feel like now NC not the right "fit" for me in moving on. People purport there is no other way than NC, but I am really seeing that it's not applicable to everyone's situations.

 

You need to ask yourself if you've accomplished what you intended by ending contact. Did you do so in order to heal and detach (both necessary no matter the outcome with the ex)? I've never been a fan of the way that this whole "NC" thing has been thrown around as a generic cure-all, particularly in the context that it usually ends up in, but I do believe that the potential path towards possible reconciliation passes through detachment. Do you think you've successfully accomplished that to the point where you wouldn't be hurt or set back by potentially unproductive interaction?

 

Any advise on how I move forward?

 

Yes... by letting her go.

 

I sometimes forget when I post my thoughts that many who read are within the first few months of their break up. There's some essential concepts that are very difficult to get a handle on while still dealing with acceptance of the separation. Letting go is one of those things, and seems irrational to someone clinging to what was. But, you have to let someone go in order to truly love them, and if there's ever to be a chance again. You move forward by learning to recognize your own behavior that keeps you stuck and dependent on the ex, and re-focus that energy on what you need to be working on for yourself.

[Lbones]

Just to add to that if I may.

 

"...but understand that truly meaningful change doesn't occur in a couple of months - especially while dealing with the emotional fallout of a break up".

 

The more I read and discover, not just about myself but relationships in general, the more work I realize I need to do. Doing this for your ex, to win them back, might be your primary goal but that is somewhat short sighted. The end result, if done faithfully and properly, is that you will be a better and more attractive person for it, regardless if you win your ex back.

[90_hour_sleep]

Just to add to that if I may.

 

"...but understand that truly meaningful change doesn't occur in a couple of months - especially while dealing with the emotional fallout of a break up".

 

The more I read and discover, not just about myself but relationships in general, the more work I realize I need to do. Doing this for your ex, to win them back, might be your primary goal but that is somewhat short sighted. The end result, if done faithfully and properly, is that you will be a better and more attractive person for it, regardless if you win your ex back.

 

exactly...

[SethSLC]

Bump.

 

You can't win if you don't play. Everybody is different and so NC shouldn't be a blanket rule. Trust your instincts in how to interact with an ex.

[Trek]

I could use a little insight, since this thread seems to be more about working towards reconciling than anything else ive seen around here, minus a few threads.

 

My ex tried to play the friend card at the end of the relationship. She said she valued the connection that we had. But at the time, my emotions got the best of me and i told her that wasnt what i wanted. And our connection seemed to be pretty big. Even when i wasnt around her it's like she could read everything i was about to say or do. She grew increasingly distant from me towards the end of the relationship, saying she was trying to protect her own sanity, and this in turn made me terrified. I saw her distance as her trying to slowly break up with me, and when she requested space it was nigh impossible for me to give it to her because i was afraid space=break up. Low and behold though, that pushing just made her come to that decision anyways. I dont think NC is the greatest route to go, even though i told her multiple times to approach me when shes ready to talk, my instincts, and my knowledge about her tells me that shes waiting for me to approach her when the time is right.

 

The break up occurred because i was over protective. I was giving her stress when she didn't deserve it or need it. I feel like she came to her conclusion because it seemed like i was far too dependent on her when it came to fixing myself. I was making promises left and right that i would change, but we ended up back in the vicious cycle where id make accusations and she would get hurt because of it. It wasn't really about trust, it boils down to the fact that i have issues of my own that i never properly dealt with after a break up 5 years ago. I just held my emotions in, and when this great woman came into my life, those emotions exploded right onto her after i felt that certain closeness to her. She told me i need to change for myself, that i need to stop trying to change for the sake of the relationship. She said she didn't feel the same, but she wanted to believe everything we said in the past still held true. She told me she wished things didnt have to go down this road. There was never any official "nc" talk between the two of us, but when i tried to clear up that i didnt want to exclude her from my life, i just got silence. Every time i tried to approach her in the past it was followed by silence, and i think it might have been because i was letting my emotions get in the way. I came off as being too needy.

 

Every time i try and get insight i just get fed the usual "NC until she comes to you" line. After reading most of the posts in this thread i just feel like that answer isnt completely acceptable. I feel like most people are just telling me this based off their own experiences, or because they are bitter that they never got that second chance to begin with. If anyone out here could help me understand a better approach to take towards this, it would be greatly appreciated. It's been a month now, and the last time she contacted me was to tell me to not have my friends add her on facebook, even though she could have just denied the request, it felt to me like she was trying to feel me out. Like she was trying to see whether or not i would over react and start pressuring her back into the relationship, which i did not do. When i responded to her, she said she didnt know what he would want to talk to me about, and that we both said what has needed to be said at this current time. Her "current time" statement is what's really throwing me off. A female friend of mine said that women will often times reread what they say or type to the teeth, and that she made sure to put that out there so i would analyze it. However, it seems to me like shes trying to say that she wants to talk things out, but the negative emotions between the two of us, and the fact that neither of us have really changed, prevent that from happening right now.

[delicous]

I am trying to play cold heartless BLEEP and talk to all these diff guys and bleep this one guy and like really get over him..but

its not happening...i miss him, i miss every single thing about him..=(