It can happen if you really get your act together

[journeynow]

To forgive isn't to condone, and it's not for the benefit of another. To truly forgive means you've let go of the anger, resentment, and all the other negativity. It's the only way to understanding and compassion - absolute necessities to any hope of a reconciliation.

 

Agreed. It is definitely done for the self, yet has a ripple affect. I sense forgiveness is like rocket fuel to propel yourself forward when you are ready. Tiger, thank you for the link.

[brandnewday47]

Bump, this thread is definitely worth another read

[AutumnBorn]

I don't remember seeing this thread when first posted. Thanks for bumping it. Very insightful and confirming what I've been thinking and feeling lately.

 

Or perhaps I did see it, but simply wasn't ready to absorb it at the time.

[LonelyJedi]

This thread is very moving. I agree with you AutumnBorn.

 

We need to change ourselves first, and project an image that was better than we were before.

 

"I'm starting with the Man in the Mirror, I'm asking him to change his ways. And no message could have been any clearer."

 

Lol

 

 

[brandnewday47]

Absolutely, one of the most insightful and well thought out threads here, in my opinion

[90_hour_sleep]

yep...'getting the girl back' almost seems secondary. that's the vibe. it's about the process...working through it all...seeing the bigger perspective.

 

me likes

[RobD70]

yep...'getting the girl back' almost seems secondary. that's the vibe. it's about the process...working through it all...seeing the bigger perspective.

 

me likes

 

That's how it needs to be. The more you try yo win them back the more you'll fail to focusing on yourself as the primary motivation helps getting them back as a side effect.

 

Is that your bike as an avatar? I have a red 06' FZ6 myself.

[npc24]

you never said how long you were apart

[abigheart]

I just spent the past approximate hour reading this entire thread. Initially, I read this as a way to find any hope of getting back with my ex.

 

And through the pages of insight that poured through, I feel like I've read more so about acknowledging the break-up but most importantly the bigger perspective of taking care of myself, loving myself and choosing this whole break-up as a way to regain some stuff on my end so I can become a better person.

 

Sigh.

 

I hope this positivity keeps up...it's going to be a rough road ahead, but I'll pull through.

[DazB]

Great thread.

 

When I first read this I did not have a clue what it was going on about. I read some of the replies saying it was a good post so thought I would give it another shot. Now I am starting to see the point.

 

In fact, I believe I am at a point in my break up where working on myself is crucial. This isn't about recconciliation for me since I think my chance are far too slim (I come to the getting back together forum because there's some awesome stories here it's more about prepping myself for the rest of my life. I am tired of living with my insecurities and fears and letting them rule my life.

 

link removed

 

The above website has some nice posts on spiritual awakening and releasing and other such things.

[Tired Tiger]

Bump time...

 

I worked on my end of things for a long time and we were both changed by it. The original really nice feelings between us were restored for a time and it looked like there was a lot of reason to have hope. But every couple of months she would drift away again. Still, I kept plugging away.

 

...I had changed a lot and she fell way behind...

 

I'm experiencing much the same phenomenon, though it actually makes sense. We could probably create a sequel to this thread called "It Can Happen If You BOTH Really Get Your Acts Together".

 

It's important to remember that every phase of a relationship is the combined effort of two people. It does take two to tango, even if you're just preparing for the next dance. If the other half of the equation hasn't addressed their own issues, or is working on them at a different pace, there's going to be an imbalance in the dynamic. Still, it's better to be in the lead here, as opposed to playing catch-up.

 

Act together here. Now it's her turn.

[mantarei]

Tired Tiger - I can tell youve been doing the reading about Imago and on Al's website - you and Jasper - it reads in your style of writing. Although I have noticed that Al is completely against any sort of direct advice giving - which is simultaneously frustrating and productive. He just validates and mirrors. But I am still lost...

 

I wonder if i might ask either of you something about my current situation, and would it be at all possible to have a discussion on it in a more private forum?

[Tired Tiger]

Hi manta,

 

When authors like Al Turtle and Harville Hendrix write about these subjects, it makes sense that they would avoid specific 'advice'. Every situation has specific nuances that preclude generic advice and/or plans of action. What's most important is achieving the knowledge of the concepts they're describing. As with just about any form of emotional counseling, their goal isn't to tell you what to do, but to teach the essentials, which in turn will hopefully lead to making the best decisions and approaches on your own (be it with an ex or anyone else down the road). Think of what these guys are writing as relationship and communication fundamentals, not as 'strategies' for "getting an ex back".

 

Another author I very highly recommend is Daniel Goleman, and in particular his book "Emotional Intelligence". He contends that we enter adulthood without any real knowledge of emotions (and all the related issues with interpersonal relationships), and that we put more research into the purchase of a new car than we do the selection of a life partner. It's no wonder all this is so hard - we don't have the basic skills in the first place. Better late than never to learn, though.

 

You can always feel free to PM me, though it sometimes takes me a couple of days to reply (busy ).

[doiiiieeezie]

Another Bump.

[hater13]

Honestly I think this is a load of bs! I lived in an unstable home my whole life, my dad drinks excessively and is verbally as well as sometimes physically abusive. That had nothing to do with the person i've become.. I'm a VERY calm person it takes a lot to make me mad (my ex ended up doing this often). Otherwise my friends were surprised that I would get angry with him because they know me as being such a calm and relaxed person.

 

My ex on the other had was EXTREMELY sensitive..maybe this had to do with the fact that he is very attached to his mother? and has no relationship at all with his father (they live in the same house BUT never speak)..not to mention he has 2 sisters.

 

With all of this being said- I doubt that had anything to do with our relationship, yes it's true you are the person you are today because of your life experiences (family, friends, relationships), but we all make our own decisions. You can't blame your parents for your issues or anyone else for that matter.

 

Even though my father is a drunk and is abusive- does that mean I love him any less? NO. I still love my father, I still speak to him. Why? because my father has done too much for me, I can never hate him.

[Tired Tiger]

Honestly I think this is a load of bs!

 

I'm not sure I understand why you chose jasper's post to quote for what you're commenting about. He doesn't even get into any of that in his OP, and there's certainly no "bs" in what you quoted. At all.

 

You can't blame your parents for your issues or anyone else for that matter.

 

Woah - wait a second... the concepts and theories that have been raised in this thread pertaining to how our childhoods relate to our actions in life have nothing whatsoever to do with blame. I'd suggest several of the links and references already given in this thread be read before passing judgement. Much of what's involved is on the subconscious level, and often manifests itself in the reverse of what one would expect. There's nothing 'bs' about it at all once you understand it.

[Morning]

Bump (I had to)

[Chandra]

I admit i've skipped like 10 pages of this thread... but this doesn't address situations in which you partner left you because you were giving more than them, or they didn't feel worth you or they just can't deal with their life right now or all of the above. I'm kind of going through that right now... and it's a confusing place to be.

[Tired Tiger]

I admit i've skipped like 10 pages of this thread... but this doesn't address situations in which you partner left you because you were giving more than them, or they didn't feel worth you or they just can't deal with their life right now or all of the above. I'm kind of going through that right now... and it's a confusing place to be.

 

All relationships are the sum of two people. There's always something to be learned in the wake of a break up - always things we can do to improve ourselves. That's mostly what this thread is about... putting the focus on ourselves and being in control of the things we can change, rather than what we can't (someone else).

[JimmerJammer]

Like others I have skipped ahead past most of the posts to add my two cents to this. I have been saying for a long time that as the saying goes "it takes two to tango". Those who want to kid themselves into thinking they have played NO part in a relationships demise are only fooling themselves. I really believe that I have come to know either women or people in general in this area and I feel it's like this.

 

This is a crude analogy, but stick with it. A fat, ugly person who ends up with an attractive, fit person may end up compensating through love and devotion to make up for that fact. Ergo it follows that those in that position to give more of themselves than what they get back may be actually compensating. This is where childhood drama could play a part as it may subconsciously cause one to overcompensate to obtain what they didn't from youth. Such as approval or attention. The reason I say that is to think back to any point in the relationship in which you gave up part of yourself for the sake of making it work.

 

Compromise is important in a relationship because we all come from different places and that difference is what separates and brings us together. The point of when it goes from being healthy to destructive is a fine line, but also is as easy as being aware of how you feel. If you feel you do more than your partner does then you have three choices: 1) do nothing and keep giving love 2) withdrawl and deny them love or 3) confront them and work it out (or find out they won't do anything).

 

So without making a mountain out of a molehill I will end it like this. We all have our wants and needs and our ways of dealing with situations. We have our desires and our expectations for our lives. I doubt anyone wanted to give, give, give and be tossed aside like a rag doll. The part that makes me laugh is when I have been told I'm pathetic for having given so much of myself. All experience has taught me more than anything else is that we MUST look after ourselves. Our bodies, our minds, our health. We must make that a priority. That being said it DOESN'T excuse the ex or the gf/bf that betrayed us or "traded up" for someone they perceived as being better.

 

All that means is we must gear our lives towards living for ourselves, BUT that the more we look after ourselves and stick up for ourselves that the more we have to offer others. It actually works together. Instead of looking at it like if I love them more they will come around, it's a case of did I give up loving myself for the sake of them? The moment you lose yourself, you've already lost. That's why I NEVER falter and I keep myself up to my standards even if the girl I am with wants my attention. She unfortunately will have to take a back seat because giving up on myself has consistently caused them to give up on me. Proof is in the pudding my friends.

[90_hour_sleep]

some great points...as i see it.

[tillyy]

Great thread. I get so annoyed when others simply tell others to move on because that is what they would do & that is what they supposedly need to do to heal. Not everybody is wanting to simply move on. In life, if you want something & work hard at it, you really can get it.

 

What brownstone says early on, on page 2 or so is also true. It doesn't mean they don't want to be with you because they walk away. They just can't handle things how they are at that moment in time.

 

In the end, the way I see it is that it all boils down to change. Something has changed since you first got together, either you or them or an obsticle getting in the way. At the end of the day, it can be changed again & things can be improved. No one said it would be easy or quick but if this is what you want & won't settle for any less, then you can have it. Just because they're with someone else etc etc, doesn't mean you have to give up. You can, but of course, it's not going to happen then.

 

After learning hard the first time & being given another chance, only for it to end again, I now realise everything I did wrong. I had things I needed to change about myself that neither he or I liked & these problems were not there to begin with. I did nothing about this in the time we were apart because I was so upset about everything, I just didn't think so of course it wasn't going to work when I hadn't changed the problems.

 

NC doesn't have to be how you go about things either, just use little contact instead. Firstly, you need to address what has changed & what needs to be changed & then begin to work on it. It wont be easy but it will never work if you don't.

[Morning]

I agree with you.

When I've got another chance it didn't work, because then I didn't want to change myself and work on myself. Now I realize all my mistakes, what have I done and why, I was so stupid.

Now is my real chance, I've got the chance to understand and improve myself. I know my ex won't want to try again, he is fed up, we've tried for almost 5 years, but it doesn't matter, I just want him to be happy.

[tillyy]

At least you have now come to realise Morning & actually want to change this time. It has been almost 5 years for me, too but I wouldn't say you know he won't want to try again, you can never know. Even he himself won't. Anything can happen but if you give up & don't work on it yourself, then it's not going to. It's upto you to give it all you have, nobody knows anything & anything can happen if you change & look at it in a positive way. I was told we couldn't see each other anymore, if I took it as it was said then I doubt we would have met up again but I looked at it positively & started to change myself & we already have met up again & at least that is a start. Just keep in mind that you can never know.

[Morning]

tillyy

Yeah, I know that we can't know.

And this is funny, because in last break up I said almost the same things, that he won't come back.