It can happen if you really get your act together

[Crazy Juice]

Another book I would throw into this mix is The Power of TED (The Empowerment Dynamic)

 

Not playing the victim, but changing you mindset to that of the Creator. The victim is the powerless one - a role i have played for a while, yet the creator taps into their personal power to choose their response to lifes circumstances. Instead of just asking why this?, why has it happened to me etc

 

Have been reading it along with Emotional intellignece

 

Face and solve the problems in the course of creating the outcome you want

[Tired Tiger]

An overdue bump.

[Crazy Juice]

For the best thread on here.....bump

[GotMyLifeBack]

This has been one of the most helpful threads for me on ENA. The early posts in particular lay out the kind of attitude I want to have toward myself and toward my ex. I poured a lot of energy into reading through Al Turtle's essays, mulling them over, and thinking about how they apply to my situation.

 

Since the BU 7 months ago, I have gone through cyclones of grief, cried rivers of tears, and just anguished over my seeming inability to change things to how I wanted them to be (now I know how misguided that thinking is). It's been a dark night of the soul like no other I've experienced.

 

Now I'm going to say something that's a little frightening to immortalize on the internet but I think it's time. Here goes: I needed the BU to happen in order to shift myself to a higher level of relational functioning. In plain English, the BU made me face my moment of truth, and made me face those beliefs and attitudes I held that were damaging not only to my last relationship, but to every one before it.

 

No, my relationship failures were not all my fault. But my part of these relationship failures was all my responsibility. Referencing Jasper's early posts and Al Turtle's thinking, I am much more attuned to what triggers my reactivity (reaction to not feeling safe), and similarly, I think I've got a lot better idea what may have been going on with my ex and her reactivity. In my heart of hearts, I know that my ex left me because it made sense to her given what she knew. As a couple, we did not then have the tools (mirroring, validation, empathy are some of the essentials) to bridge our difficulties. We both wanted a great relationship, but it wasn't happening, and her hope ran out before mine did.

 

I believe I am now more skilled in communication and in really valuing and validating others' viewpoints, even if I don't agree. I also believe that if my ex (who has essentially cut herself off from me) was interested in reconciling and we both came together with open hearts, we could work toward and have that great relationship, what Al Turtle calls the "biological dream."

 

I don't know what my ex will do. It doesn't matter. I know what I will do. I will continue to believe that she's doing what makes sense to her, and that given the chance, I would be honored to validate that to her directly. I will continue to push myself to grow and learn, and at the same time, even if it must be at a distance, I support my ex's decisions to strive for the life that she wants just as I am striving for the life that I want.

[Crazy Juice]

I have also come to realise, despite the earlier pain I have gone through after the 4 months BU that I bizarrely feel this is actually a good thing for me to go through. I have always been the dumper in my previous relationships and somehow didnt learn or grow from these experiences.

 

In a twisted way I am actually thankful for being dumped after 4 1/2 great years as I have been doing a lot of inner reflection and reading on what went wrong; (lack of Mirroring, Validation and empathy were my downfalls too!) My immature and inexperienced approach to an adult relationship needs to change and evolve for the better - this is my golden chance to grasp hold of that. I have had 2 LTR'S 1 of 10 years and the last 4 1/2 so I use the above term with a slight touch of honest irony.

 

Yes I played my part in our downfall - and I admit as hard as it is - probably the major catalyst in my BU, but having come down from the mountain of self blame and almost a personal hatred for it being all my fault. I have realised that it takes two people to break a relationship up, but as has been said on here already; she was just doing what she felt best for her (and me) to get the relationship she wanted and that made perfect sense for her, I understand this now and she makes sense to me. I dont blame her or me anymore but take this opportunity to learn and grow from this experience. I urge you all who are in pain to truly understand what I and other means by this.

 

She didnt do it to hurt me, she hurts just as much I am sure, even though we havent spoken for about a month, I know she feels the same pain as me. Mine is just also coloured with the added hurt of rejection, sadness, a damaged ego and shakey self esteem at the moment - a cross all us dumpees bare.

 

She doesnt contact me, I was stupidly doing that, but her not speaking with me, well that also makes sense and I understand her actions....or lack of them. She doesnt want to give me mixed signals she is doing that for both of us and I respect that as hard and as painful and lonely as that feels.

 

Do I hold onto the hope she will come back.....of course I do but I also know it doesnt matter if she does. I am on my journey to become a better person regardless, I know what I need to do. If she contacts me well who knows that is her choice alone to make...but none of us can see the future, this time is about me, and really focusing on learning, if she does come back I am ready, but mostly I am ready for the next relationship I am in and the right way to communicate in that.

 

.....So I say look into yourself, really look and understand, give you ex empathy she wanted a that great relationship too it was just your time was not right. This is your chance to make the most of what may be the worst feeling or time in your recent lives but it is your chance to become someone much more worthy for the next relationship you get into whoever that may be with your ex or someone new, but build something with them of depth, of value and with understanding. Read the books that are mentioned you will become a better person for that experience. I am on that journey too.

[GotMyLifeBack]

Well said Crazy Juice! Sometimes I feel sad that my ex can't see and be the beneficiary of all that I've learned. Do you ever feel that?

[Live-N-Learn]

Well said Crazy Juice! Sometimes I feel sad that my ex can't see and be the beneficiary of all that I've learned. Do you ever feel that?

 

I def feel this way. I wish I would have learned it from the one before her. Ugh

[Crazy Juice]

Well said Crazy Juice! Sometimes I feel sad that my ex can't see and be the beneficiary of all that I've learned. Do you ever feel that?

 

Hey GotMyLifeBack. Yes I definitely feel sad that she cannot see what I have learned and grown from my experience. However me learning all of this is immensely beneficial for myself regardless of whether she sees it or not. I hope one day as you said in your post; I get the opportunity to validate her feelings and show her I understand with empathy her actions. However, I was in an LDR for the last 9 months of my relationship she lives in NY now and me the UK so the opportunity for her to see me is limited to say the least. I am in NC now, not through my choice but from respect to my ex that I know that if she wants to speak she will call, I no longer need to chase her, I am distancing myself with dignity....if she pursues "time will tell, or time will heal"

 

I did send her an email just before NYE and before I left for a months holiday to explain to her that I understood what led to our downfall, and I take responsibility for my part and that a few things would have changed that (i.e. learning Validation etc). I basically wished her all the best and if our paths ever crossed then who knows.

 

She did reply, and said I had a great humility and strength to work on myself and that she had come to realise a few things also that played out from her side - I wont go into them. This was something Al Turtle recommended about showing them maybe once a month briefly highlighting some things that have changed but dont go into too much detail, by email or text etc

 

However I stupidly followed that email up 4 days later (so much for Al Turtle saying only each month!) anyway that met with SILENCE - as did my birthday 2 weeks later so I dont think it counted for all that I wanted it too.

 

However, it did get a reaction that I have now planted a seed in her mind that I am working on myself and have/am changing for the better. Will it bring her back.....again it doesnt matter it is my time to better myself. Part of her leaving was GIGS in my opinion so I will leave her to that while I focus on me

[kuteknish]

bumpity bump!

[onidonid]

Ok let's say I get my act together. I'm always working on it, I'm aware of many things I have done...need to do...should do...want to do better. However I am in NC mode right now, which is totally against what I want to do - I'm doing it because doing what I want hasnt worked. I'm also in NC because she's in a rebound.

 

Now she sabotaged the relationship, because she didnt want the change in her life, she felt she wasnt good enough for me. She also said I needed to work on things. At one point I explained what I was doing to rectify a behavior problem (taking on too much work and having no time to play), and she said she didnt believe me. I took it as a challenge.

 

I'm still working on my life, and I always will. I want to have a chance at this woman again, realizing of course she has issues too. The thing is, I was ok with her issues for along time. Until the end, when she turned on me with them instead of turning too me. How would she know I'm working on things? How do I get my best friend back who?

 

8 weeks now of NC. I'm doing it to heal, but it just doesnt feel natural. Hurting doesnt either, but at least I understand that concept.

[90_hour_sleep]

no...it doesn't feel natural. you're right. and it's because we're so used to doing the habitual thing...which is running away from what hurts. we run from the things that scare us. looking inward is scary business. sometimes you get to that point where there's nothing much to hold onto...and you feel as though you're in this vast empty space...and it's overwhelming. everything is exposed. you begin to see things in a different way...a more open way. there's no longer that old mental filter that everything needs to pass through. you're no longer limited by one perspective. now...there are a multitude of perspectives...and no one is more 'right' than the other.

 

i think most of us that have been on this path get to that point where we'd like to be able to show that other person our new perspective. not sure exactly what the fixation is on that. perhpas there's an element of pride there. perhaps there's a feeling that that sense of rejection will somehow be lessened. i think the point is that it doesn't really matter. ultimately we do these things for ourselves. maybe somewhere down the line we'll be able to share with another.

 

onidonid...have you ever hear of 'al turtle'? i'm sure if you've read through this thread you've seen the name pop up a few times. you mentioned wondering how you go about showing someone that you've changed...? he might offer you some insight into how to approach that. maybe you will indeed have another shot.

 

hope it works out for you.

[kuteknish]

BUMP! .... and Has anyone followed Al Turtle's advice about sending an email once a month or less to show highlight small changes you are making, and in turn, got a good response from their ex's?

 

The work Al Turtle discusses on his website can make your relationships better and you learn the skills on better communicating through mirroring, validation, etc... but has his advice on what to do when he/she leaves worked out well for anyone on this forum? Just curious.

[belles]

Thanks for this thread - a lot of insight here and I will definitely read it through again. There does seem to be a lot of misdirected negativity on this forum, and as someone said (I believe it was Tiger) this is a 'Getting back together' forum. NOT a 'healing' forum!

 

Bumping mainly - but thanks all x

[Tired Tiger]

no...it doesn't feel natural. you're right. and it's because we're so used to doing the habitual thing...which is running away from what hurts. we run from the things that scare us. looking inward is scary business. sometimes you get to that point where there's nothing much to hold onto...and you feel as though you're in this vast empty space...and it's overwhelming. everything is exposed. you begin to see things in a different way...a more open way. there's no longer that old mental filter that everything needs to pass through. you're no longer limited by one perspective. now...there are a multitude of perspectives...and no one is more 'right' than the other.

 

A great paragraph for describing the process, 90. Facing fears and insecurities (and ego) can be very frightening, indeed - but also necessary in order to achieve a healthy life void of self-sabotage.

 

.... and Has anyone followed Al Turtle's advice about sending an email once a month or less to show highlight small changes you are making...

 

I don't think that's his advice, exactly. In fact, if you look at point number one in that section, he specifically states to "give up all signs of pushing". He does state that if your instinct is to call twice a day, cut that back to once a week. I don't think that should be confused for the idea that it's a good idea to call once a week - the point is to 'do' less.

 

It's something of a paradox to ponder how the ex will know of the changes being made. On the one hand, this person is credited for being the motivator (however indirectly) for said changes. On the other hand, one should ideally be making these improvements for themselves - and without the need for emotional validation or approval of anyone else. Besides, meaningful change is something that will be demonstrated over time with actions - not simply by announcing them.

 

There does seem to be a lot of misdirected negativity on this forum, and as someone said (I believe it was Tiger) this is a 'Getting back together' forum. NOT a 'healing' forum!

 

Yeah - that would have been me.

 

That's not to say that 'healing' isn't a vital part of what this thread is about. It really is. It's how you go about it that seems too often lost in translation here...

[whatatodo]

It's something of a paradox to ponder how the ex will know of the changes being made. On the one hand, this person is credited for being the motivator (however indirectly) for said changes. On the other hand, one should ideally be making these improvements for themselves - and without the need for emotional validation or approval of anyone else. Besides, meaningful change is something that will be demonstrated over time with actions - not simply by announcing them.

 

This is what my ex said to me a few weeks ago, so I started LC and it felt like he was pulling back and only being 'personal' at work, so I didn't feel that he was trying for anything more that just friends.... and only friends in work........... now I've told him to live me alone (which makes work awkward) and not talk to me, joke, etc etc and he's not......... have I blown my chances? SO sick of feeling this way and going over every single detail and analysing it. I see my counsellor for my third session this week..... I hope she offers some insight.....

[paradiselost]

what has your counsellor told you so far whatatodo? did she support the way you handled it?

[Tired Tiger]

This is what my ex said to me a few weeks ago, so I started LC and it felt like he was pulling back and only being 'personal' at work, so I didn't feel that he was trying for anything more that just friends.... and only friends in work...........

 

While I'm probably stating the obvious, the lesson to be learned here is to never ever get involved with anyone at work. As you're experiencing, this makes the necessary components of separation and detachment very, very difficult. Have you considered the options of a transfer or a new job? That may sound drastic, but the need for complete separation cannot be overstated.

 

now I've told him to live me alone (which makes work awkward) and not talk to me, joke, etc etc and he's not......... have I blown my chances? SO sick of feeling this way and going over every single detail and analysing it.

 

It's not really about "blown chances" at all. People (understandably) put way too much distress on themselves over every word and things that are ultimately just trivial (like Facebook). The way to stop obsessing over every little thing is to consciously focus that energy toward yourself. It does take some practice to do this, but is ultimately more rewarding than staying stuck in the anxiety of worrying about things you really have no control over. Once you get to that 'better place', you may find that he's the one who missed his chance...

[kuteknish]

Once you get to that 'better place', you may find that he's the one who missed his chance...

love this!!!

[rapunzel]

While I'm probably stating the obvious, the lesson to be learned here is to never ever get involved with anyone at work. As you're experiencing, this makes the necessary components of separation and detachment very, very difficult. Have you considered the options of a transfer or a new job? That may sound drastic, but the need for complete separation cannot be overstated.

 

True, very true. However, many people meet at work and end up married. People are spending much more time working and with little time for socializing (or socializing with co-workers), it seems only natural that one could develop feelings for a coworker. Having gotten involved (and dumped by) with someone I work with only part time, I can attest to this. Yeah, in retrospect I regret it but when you really fall for someone, logic usually goes out the window and one's emotions take over. Not always smart but you can't always help you fall in love with and/or become attracted to. Sometimes the person you fall in love with is someone you work with or in my case, someone you make music with. Just sayin'...

[Samatha]

You'll never get your ex back if you don't get yourself back first.

 

So I'm writing here, already wrote a bit everywhere in this forum. I thought I was doing better but since this weekend I'm desperate like the first day, and all my positive powers are gone.

He broke up with me in january. it's the second breakup, first we were together 4 years and now 2 years..

First time he said the same things as this time 'I don't love you, I'm better off without you' etc.. he left me saying I was too jealous (he then recognized it was his fault).. after more than 1 year he came back asking forgiveness. In that time we almost had nc, but it was LC and then we talked more and more...

 

This time, I was having familiar and work and university problems which developped in a depression, so I ws always sad, moody, angry, without wanting to do anything, nagging at him... so he left me leaving again the same things as above, adding that 'now he knows how I really am' and judging me only on this last months and cancelling all the good times of the last 6 years.. also, he doesn't know I have depression.. for him my 'change' wasn't a change but showing how I REALLY am.

 

This time he doesn't want LC but.. definite NC. At first he seemed indifferent, now the last times I talked to him, he was angry, cruel, cold, put in my mouth things I didn't said, evaded me... it seems he hates me BUT he doesn't block or cancel me in social network, skype etc.. he still has my stuff, which he could give me instantly and eally erase me from his life, but he doesn't. Instead he is firm this time to not want to be with me because we only hurt eachother and it wouldn't go well (and the things he already said, he doesn't lvoe me blabla)..

The first days of breakup I plead and begged and he told me to give me an opportunity to show I changed.. After insecurity and such, I asked again and again, and the last time he told me 'no, I won't give you an opportuniy, I feel exhausted'. I still wanna hope that he said this because of my nagging, and after he calms down maybe he will reconsider opportunity of showing him at least I changed.

 

What is mortifying, is that 1. he doesn't know I was having depression, but he takes for granted that I REALLY am like this even after knowing me for years.. 2. he really doesn't try to contact me, only on my birthday but.. then silence.. and WHEN we chat he is absolute cold, doesn't want to talk, bitter and angry.. as said first I thought it was indifference, now it feels more like bitterness and hatred.. even so, if he fears that much that I can talk to him, or he hates me, why not just give me my stuff, block and cancel me and stop? 3. I really do love him, I know what went wrong, how to make it work, his deffects, his good points, mine.. and I can let go for now but I really want to fight and try to get back together.. but my fear big fear is that he won't never again reconsider me.. that he finds someone here, and after me everything would be paradise, that he convinces himself forever that we really don't work together.. He always always said he felt such a strong connection with me, even now he said 'I don't want to talk to you because I don't wan't to feel as if I have still that bond with you'... that this is all destroyed just because I was having hard moments and nagged on him, it's just unbelievable...

 

I am working on me, doing workouts, meeting new people, studying, counselor and such, but since this weekend I feel again so negative and without any hope for him to ever again reconsider. I know NOW it can't work, and I need time for me now, but my fear is projected in the future. And thinking that he neither wants to ever see me again, how can I show him my changes.. how can I show him that we really are good together, that he's destroying everything...

I really want him back, and right now I feel like with NC I'm doing him a favour of forgetting and convincing himself that he really is better off without me..

[alot2learn]

"and right now I feel like with NC I'm doing him a favour of forgetting and convincing himself that he really is better off without me.."

 

 

awww... i know how you feel hun..... but unfortunately they let us know they thought they were better off without us the minute they broke up with us!!

 

so all we can do is go NC and give them the space to see if they were right or wrong... theres nothing we can do to convince them otherwise!!! Good luck

[90_hour_sleep]

"and right now I feel like with NC I'm doing him a favour of forgetting and convincing himself that he really is better off without me.."

 

 

awww... i know how you feel hun..... but unfortunately they let us know they thought they were better off without us the minute they broke up with us!!

 

so all we can do is go NC and give them the space to see if they were right or wrong... theres nothing we can do to convince them otherwise!!! Good luck

 

tough pill to swallow...but you're so right.

[Tired Tiger]

Sometimes the person you fall in love with is someone you work with or in my case, someone you make music with. Just sayin'...

 

Well, yes - of course it happens. I've been there myself... just once. You may not necessarily be able to control who you're attracted to, but you can most certainly can control how involved you get. For each couple who may have had some sort of happy ending that started through work, there's at least as many who have ended up in a long, drawn-out nightmare. As for making music together, well... Ike and Tina? Just sayin'

 

Samatha - You're still in the relatively early stages of all this, and while it's great that you're doing things for yourself, it also shows in your post(s) that you're still in a place where your self validity is dictated by what he thinks. That's okay - we've all been there. As time goes by, you'll begin to realize the difference between beating yourself up and simply being aware of your role and responsibility in the relationship. Try to keep the focus on yourself, and you'll be on the right path for whatever happens down the road.

[thewendy]

this is a great thread, one of the best i've read here. this should always stay on top.

[Jeffrey01]

Ok, here's my situation... my ex and I had a 4 year relationship. My ex left me almost a year ago (I was noncommittal) and she got into a new relationship quickly. It only last maybe 5 months and she ended it. We met up recently and I tried to reconcile, but she clearly wasnt ready, or didn't want it. Any chance she comes around after all the dust has settled of her recent relationship? She had told me in our recent meetup that she missed me, and knew how well I treated her. I'm strictly no contact after our meet, which was about a month ago.

 

I should add that I had nearly a year to work on myself and did so, and was able to let her know that. So, I'm hoping maybe she has some things to think about. But on the other hand, I suspect that all feeling is gone.