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Live-N-Learn last won the day on November 27 2010

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About Live-N-Learn

  • Birthday 11/13/1961

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  1. I've been divorced for 10 years. My kids are 17 and 14. My Ex wife and I get along fine and have no interest in ever getting back together. She fell on hard times financially and I've been helping her mainly for the kids sake. Her financial circumstances came to a peak this past March and I had a choice to make (without going into the justification or reasoning) I chose to let her and the kids move in with me for a year to get back on her feet so this never happens again. Things are going fine, she has a stable job now and is getting there. We don't live like a family unit. She lives her life and I live mine. We don't have sit down dinners together nor do we hang out watching TV. She really is like a roommate. I haven't been dating for the past year. took a time out and just enjoying my other relationships and life. I was planning to continue this for anther year until she moves out with my daughter and my son goes off to college next summer. Well, I wasn't planning or looking but I met a lady and we really hit it off. We knew each other from a couple of years ago when we both attended the same home bible study group. She showed up about 3 weeks ago to another group I go to every week for the past 6 years. We had coffee afterwards and talked. I can tell there is interest on both sides. So my question is this. 1. Do I tell her my circumstances and let her decide if she is OK with it and wants to date me? 2. Do I tell her and let her know I'm not in the best place to date right now, but would like to be friends, and once my Ex and kids move out next summer we will see if both still have interest? 3. Do I say nothing and just stop giving off any signals of interest? I will be seeing her every week at this group. She plans to continue coming back. Your input would be appreciated. I want to handle this properly so not to hurt her or shut out any opportunity with her possibly next summer. Thanks LNL
  2. Sounds to me like you may need to take a look at yourself. Why are you afraid to say anything to him? You are settling for less than you deserve. This could be a self worth/ self esteem issue. I personally would never settle or stay in a relationship where my needs were not also being met. I for sure would not keep silent and cause myself this type of misery internally that you are allowing. From your remarks above, it sounds like your a repeating old patterns. If any of this rings true, you may want to take a break from relationships and work on your own stuff and get emotionally healthy. Then you will not settle and will attract better partners. Best of Luck, LNL
  3. IMO porn is a symptom of a deeper root issue. That's what he needs to address in his life. Most likely he doesn't even recognize there is an issue. You can not fix him or change him. Once you cross the line of trying it's called co-dependency. My advice is to get out. He is not emotionally healthy. Best of luck, LNL
  4. I applaud you for your efforts to educate yourself on HSV. However, your numbers are off. Please see below. In the end, I don't think it will matter. Based on your health condition, you most likely will not move forward with him. By avoiding sex during an active outbreak, chances of virus transmission are 4% a year (Terri Warren, RN, NP – WebMD). Yes, per year, not sexual session. In the study that this is based off, couples were reported to have sex more than 5 times a month. Over 60% of the couples did not use condoms. So if we look at the findings at the frequent end of the scale we would divide this figure by 120 (12 months x 10 sexual encounters per month). This makes the possibility of spreading the virus during any sexual encounter .0003%, or 1/3,000 (.04 / 120 = 0.00033333333333). If also using condoms or anti-viral drugs, it cuts those already-staggering odds in half to about 2% a year. The possibility of spreading HSV on any given encounter would then become 1/6,000. To put this in perspective, you have a better chance of literally dying in a motor vehicle accident tomorrow on your way to school or work (1/9,000), although, surely this “risk” won’t stop you from driving. 1 in 9,000… driving seems pretty safe, doesn’t it? The fact that you will still drive your motor vehicle (or ride in cars) after reading this article is proof that you agree. It’s cool, though, because you’d be right. Driving is pretty safe. Just remember: having a knowledgeable HSV+ partner is safer. If you’re not scared to drive, you are agreeing to this by default. With the use of both simultaneously [condoms and anti-viral drugs], it cuts the number in half once again: a mere 1% chance of transmitting the virus per annual basis. On any given sexual encounter, we’re now entertaining a “risk” of 1/12,000. You now have better odds of winning an oscar, provided you’re in the industry 😉 (1/11,500). Do you plan on writing your award’s thank-you speech anytime soon? Didn’t think so. Simply put: 99% odds are excellent. If you had a 99% chance of winning the lottery, would you buy a ticket? You’d be crazy not to. There’s no arguing with that. Therefore, considering that the only (truly) guaranteed thing in life is death, 99% odds are as solid as it gets. 96% is pretty assuring as well. Plus, people that are aware of their HSV+ status generally tend to notice even the mildest of symptoms, including prodrome symptoms. Because of this, they are much more likely to recognize when an outbreak is about to occur, and can then inform their partner in time to knock transmission rates down to 1-4% per year by abstaining from sex temporarily. For females, the chances of contracting HSV are slightly higher, but not by much. Ideally, we’re looking at about 98% prevention instead of 99% (“risk” is doubled because of increased point of contact). Hardly a significant difference overall, though.
  5. Thank you for the lessons learned I'm now the best me ever I actually forgot your name yesterday
  6. You're so unhealthy, I was too. You were my unavoidable perfect storm Hope you found peace in life Hurting people, hurt people, Eye opener I expected too much from brokenness Never pick someone like you again I'm much healthier thanks to you Never again, but was worth it
  7. I am sorry to hear you are suffering. Unfortunately there are no guarantees in life. There are consequences for every choice we make in life good and bad. I suggest you get a sponsor and start building men friendships to help you on your journey. Staying sober is not easy. Once the reality sets in she is gone, it is going to be even harder. You need to live out the serenity prayer my friend. Best of luck.
  8. All of us have our own ways of dealing with stress, anxiety worry and pain. Over the years I have self medicated in many different ways, sex, alcohol, drugs, porn or gambling. Obviously, these were short term fixes for a much deeper problem. I was basically treating the symptom, not the cause. One day I finally took a step back and decided it was time to deal with the root cause, for me that was abandonment from my father when I was a year old. I dealt with it and was able to forgive him and never felt the need to self medicate again. I also realize I have an addictive personality. So life for me now is about picking better addictions. I now play golf to relieve stress. Not everyone has an addictive personality and some ppl can drink and do drugs occasionally without issue. I still believe though, that anytime a person takes a mind altering drug to feel better, there is something in their life that is deficient.
  9. Another example of you not owning your choices. Why not just say I love pot and choose to smoke it?
  10. I don't know if it's just me but I am struggling with seeing you and Mina as a good fit. She is a professed religious person which inherently carries with it some assumed core values such as waiting definitely more than two dates to sleep together if at all. No drug use and modesty. Instead, she sleeps with you, doesn't care if you smoke weed and talks dirty with you. She really confuses me and I honestly can not get a handle on who she really is as a person and her values. You seem to be going full steam ahead to me almost at an obsessive pace despite your reservations. I really can't get a handle on all this. It's starting to feel unhealthy to me.
  11. I am a man and will put in my two cents. As a general rule, men are more visually stimulated than women. When I was in my late teens and early 20's I was 90% attracted to women based on appearance and had not yet developed the maturity to see how important character and compatibility were to a healthy relationship. This really was my issue not hers. As I matured, the percentage continued to drop and the internal attributes have risen in value considerably. There are a few factors that can keep a man stuck with too high of a value on the physical. The first is pornography which too many men engage in on a regular basis. This can cause the devaluation of women into an object and unrealistic expectations of our partners. The second is past relationships. If a man has had some hot women in his past, it is common to compare your current partner to them and find yourself dissatisfied if she doesn't meet the grade. I have struggled with comparing my dates to the hottest girl I ever dated and came to realize that I needed to grow up. I needed to accept that I was not this good looking, in shape young person any longer and needed to reassess my values. I did that, and I now value women based on internal qualities far more than physical hotness. I am not saying that looks are not important, I need to be attracted to her. However, if we are compatible, have the same goals, laugh together, have many of the same values, is trustworthy, kind, compassionate, good communicator, love kids and fights fair, I am way more attracted and the physical so called flaws do not bother me. I came to realize that it was much more difficult to find chemistry and a strong connection with a women than it was to find a hot women to bang a few times. I stopped looking for the perfect physical women and started looking for a women with character and shared values. This is the type of women I could grow old with.
  12. Saying you are religious allows for a wide range of interpretation and moral standards that may allow for sexual interaction without compromise. However, if she claims to be a Christian then compromise is necessary for her to sleep with you. I guess it would be wise to ask her to define what religious means to her.
  13. She may be having regrets. She sent you some serious mixed signals. Her so called Christian beliefs do no line up with her actions of sleeping with you. She will have to choose to follow her beliefs or continue to compromise them to be with you.
  14. Healing by the yard is hard, healing by the inch is a cinch
  15. I remember thinking the same thing. But I came to realize this was how I felt and not necessarily how she felt. If she would have viewed the relationship as I did, she would not have left. It's easy to transfer how we viewed the relationship onto our partners that left. Especially when we think back to some of the statements they made to effect of how much they loved us and so on...but the real truth is in their actions not in their words.
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