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thekid55

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thekid55 last won the day on November 28 2010

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  1. Hi everyone. I'm dropping by for an update. It's been about 10 months since my last post. Here are some life updates. I'm still dating my girlfriend that I've referenced in earlier posts. Things are going well. We are living together and having fun. Things feel much "easier" with her than they did with my ex. I enjoy being around her family, her friends, etc. We can do the most meaningless stuff together--and still have fun. Our relationship continues to grow by the day. I'm in no rush to get engaged/married again, though. We've traveled to some cool places over the last year, namely southern Florida and Utah. I've never been to these places, so it's been fun to see. Most of my friends are having kids now, so I've traveled to meet them. At first, I felt like I was "falling behind" since I didn't have any kids yet, but that's just not part of my path for now. I do still want kids eventually. We got a puppy together. It was her Christmas gift and she's in love with her. The original puppy we picked got sick, so we had to take a different puppy from the breeder. The breeder made things right by giving us their best puppy as a replacement. This puppy was supposed to be a future breeder dog for them and was their best puppy. It was tough to lose our original puppy, but our new puppy is really special. My relationship with both of my parents continues to improve. My Mom is a short flight away while my Dad lives about 30 minutes away. I talk to both parents a few times per week. I've gained some weight, but I'm staying active. I need to make better food choices. I haven't heard from or contacted my ex, which is good. We've both moved on with our lives, which is healthy. I'm still working the same job as before. My motivation level isn't super high due to some boring tasks that I have to undertake, but they are paying me well and I received a nice bonus. We still live in the same apartment. The views are amazing, but we don't have a yard. That could be an issue as the puppy gets bigger, but we'll take it month by month! I still suffer from some anxiety when facing new experiences. I'm naturally an introvert. I try to combat this by deep breathing and saying reassuring things to myself. Overall, I hope my journal has shown you my process/journey from a 21-year-old college student to a 33-year-old established adult. I'll continue updating this as it makes me feel better.
  2. Hey Porcelain, thanks for reading. Your response is impressive. You sound very introspective, which is rare in today's world. Whenever any relationship ends (e.g., romantic, family, friendship), it's good to reflect on it. As you've read, I like to write down what happened, what my thoughts were, and how I can change things going forward. We can only control our thoughts, feelings, and emotions. Your missions seems very clear to me. Do whatever you can to break into the SWE industry. Network, find mentors, offer to work for free, etc. That should be your number one priority. Everything else is secondary. Whenever men get derailed your their mission in life, everything else falls apart. Use this breakup as fuel to move yourself forward in a positive way. Exercise is very important, too. Lifting weights and running always makes me feel better. Hang in there and good luck!
  3. Hi all, hope everyone is doing well. It's been about 4 months since the last one, so here it goes... My 32nd birthday was in December. I started this journal over 10 years ago! I've been through a lot of ups-and-downs, but I wouldn't change anything. Life is a journey. Successes and failures happen. We keep learning as we go! Still healthy. Have been healthy. Feeling great. I'm exercising nearly everyday and have been religiously taking vitamins (Vit C, Vit D, Fish Oil, Zinc) for about a year. Staying active, taking the vitamins, and limiting stress has been key! I've been living in my new apartment with my girlfriend for about 4 months. The apartment is beautiful, nice water views. Price-wise, it's similar to NYC, but you get more for your money in FL. The people are also much nicer. Years ago, I wrote about moving in this journal--and I made it happen. I wasn't happy living in NY. I'm much happier in FL. My girlfriend and I have been getting along well. I plan fun dates for us at least weekly and I have a fun surprise trip planned for her birthday in April. I'm "working from home" with my job, so it's been somewhat hard to keep work and fun separate She, alike a lot of people, have had trouble finding a new job, so I've been supporting us. I've been supportive of her job search and have even pitched her multiple ideas so she could start her own business. I've learned that we can only support and love people as they work their way through things. As I've learned, trying to force people to do things is not the way to go. Since I moved to FL, we've won 2 major sports championships in hockey and football. The football championship was a lot of fun. The championship game was in FL, so we got to see some shows, meet some celebrities, etc. The first few weeks after football season are a little dull, but things will pick up. My Mom is still living in assisted living--and I don't think she's ever going to be able to live on her own again. Her money is drying up, which is sad because she spent so much of her life paying off debt, making sure my sister and I could go to college, etc. She is still getting alimony from my Dad, so it's a complicated situation, financially. I've proactively tried to financially plan her future with her for years, but she's always been resistant. At this point, I've done all I can (e.g., offer help with a financial adviser, offered her the opportunity to live me, go through all of her assets and try to figure out a course of action). Overall, my relationship with my Mom has been better since she's been in assisted living. She has the help she needs and is more measured when she talks. My Dad and I talk occasionally. He lives about 30-40 minutes from me, but I haven't seen him in over a year. He claims that he's isolated due to COVID, but I don't fully get it. He doesn't have any pre-existing conditions and we've always been close, so it hurts that hasn't wanted to come see me. I haven't expressed this to him. Maybe I will. My boss has been fully supportive of my move to FL. My boss is based on the west coast--and there wasn't a business reason for me to remain in NY. He told me that he's working with his boss' boss to help me permanently relocate my job to FL. My company has big operations in FL and CA, so this makes sense. I feel very fortunate and lucky. I've been working a Corporate job for the last 10 years, and I don't think it'll be my long-term career path, but for now, I feel grateful.
  4. Dropping by for another update. It's been a few months, so time to recap. I'm healthy and have been healthy. That's the only thing that matters in 2020. In August, my mother was diagnosed with COVID after she was taken to the hospital (Small fall due a pre-existing condition). She beat COVID, but the doctors determined that she can't live alone since her fall was so bad. My sister, aunt, and I found a nice assisted living facility for her. Hopefully, this is just a short-term option. She's working with a physical therapist to get her strength back so she can go home. She's not allowed to have visitors, though, so I haven't been able to see her. In July, I decided that I wanted to move to Florida. A number of factors (e.g., current political climate, state of affairs in NYC, been wanting a change for years) influenced that decision. I made arrangements with work (Everyone is working remotely right now, so no issues and they were supportive.) I officially moved out of NYC at the end of August. I hired the wrong moving company, so I had to pivot and make other arrangements since the moving company was attempting to overcharge me by $2,000. Ultimately, I shipped everything via UPS and found a freelance shipper to take my big items. My girlfriend also wanted to move back to Florida, so we did it together. We drove from NYC to Florida, which was a fun drive, and made some fun stops along the way. I offered to include my Mom in my move to Florida, pre-COVID, but she wasn't interested in leaving the North. I've been living life as normal while a lot of the world lives in hysteria. I take precautions, but I don't let the craziness consume me. I try not to watch too much news, either. I'm officially moving into my new Florida apartment soon. I've been staying with my girlfriend's family--and that's been a blessing. Her family is so nice and her dogs are great. I'm so thankful for them and I will miss them once we move. Living with them healed me and reminded me of my own family in many ways.
  5. Dropping by for another update. Wow, the world has definitely changed over the last three months. Lots of craziness and society, as a whole, is definitely re-thinking a lot of things. As for me, I've been dating my girlfriend for about a year now. When Coronavirus pandemic first started, she (and most of her NY friends), opted to go home (Southern states). I decided to stay behind in NY even though she practically begged me to come. The day-to-day situation was definitely uncertain and I wasn't crazy about traveling. Ultimately, her and I were apart for about 2 months. A few weeks ago, I decided to travel down south and have been staying with her family. Her family are the nicest, sweetest people in the world. I, unfortunately, didn't have many options to escape NY because my mother is at risk, my Dad didn't want me to visit, and my sister works in hospitals. Most of my friends are married or engaged with kids, so those weren't options either. Her family has made me feel super welcomed and I'm definitely feeling the love. During our time apart, we kept things fresh by (i) learning French togetehr, (ii) building a massive movie list and watching 1 per day, (iii) doing weekly FaceTime dates.
  6. Time for an honest, raw post. The Corona Virus quarantine has given me a lot of free time to read, think, and now journal. When I look back at the last 10 years or so, I realize that I made a lot of mistakes. Some of the mistakes include, but are not limited to: (i) not setting boundaries, (ii) breaking my word w/ my ex-wife and friends, (iii) not proactively planning my future. I can sit here and blame my parents, namely my Dad, for not having a backbone and not showing me how to be a man, but I'm not here to do that. Instead, I've spent the last 2-3 years reading as many books as I can. I've had to teach myself how to be man, I've had to look for mentors, seek advice, and start to make changes for the betterment of my own life. Some things that I've done that have made me feel 10x better than ever before: (i) keeping my promises/never breaking my word, (ii) goal setting, (iii) creating boundaries at work and in my personal life. Sitting around and pondering "What Ifs" isn't healthy at all. However, I do realize that the mistakes I've made forced me to become a better man.
  7. Time to reflect on the last decade, and more specifically, 2019. Overall, this past decade was a decade filled with growth, valuable life experience, and a lot of lessons. Some of my main accomplishments from the last decade: Graduated from college with a double major & honors; Landed a valuable first job in consulting that reinforced my work ethic. When the time was right, I pivoted to bigger opportunities and have worked for the two largest media companies in the world. I accomplished all of this by 30. With my personal relationships, I experienced some high points (engagement, marriage) and some low points (divorce, family relationships falling apart, distance with some friends). However, each of these experiences thought me valuable lessons. I've learned relationships are not meant to last forever. Sometimes, relationships fall apart for a reasons that are explainable (one or both people out-grew the relationship, the relationship ran its course) and not explainable (I don't know what goes through other's heads, but I don't have any control.) I've experiment with a lot of different projects (built a sports website, dabbled in various investments, had success playing games). All of these experiences have taught me to enjoy success and also how to overcome failure. Learning how to accept things for what they are. At the end of the day, I can only control myself, my own thoughts, and my own actions. I must live with myself and my decisions. At the beginning of the decade, I always wanted things to be perfect. Life ain't perfect, thekid55. Buckle up and enjoy the ride. When things get tough, you'll learn more about yourself. In terms of physical fitness, I ran a half marathon, got into amazing shape, feel better than I ever have in my life. I've traveled a lot. I've seen a lot of different places (Europe, Caribbean, various parts of the U.S.). I will continue to explore and take adventures. I've sought out mentors and have done a ton of reading about self-improvement, self-growth, etc. Reading is always a good way to 'steal' someone else's brain and get insight from a different perspective. Most people want to stay 'stuck'--and a lot of people reacted negatively when they saw me grow (and keep growing). When you keep evolving as a person, most people won't like it because you're breaking the mold/idea they had for you. Instead, focus on the ones that are celebrating your success. That's all that matters! Swallowing my pride and go to counselling. I put that as an accomplishment because too many people don't go due to their ego. In time, I mustered the strength to go and deal with my demons. I cried once or twice in the counsellor's office, but it was part of my path forward. I also accepted that I was co-dependent on others (my Mom, my Dad, my ex-wife). I stopped focusing inwards and kept focusing on others. I've learned that isn't healthy and I always consciously try to focus on myself first. When I look back at 2019, I don't see a lot of pain; rather I see a lot of valuable growth. Some of these growth areas include: Finally accepting that my marriage had run its course. For the last few years, things didn't feel right. My parents' divorce, which I've detailed at length, definitely changed me as a person. In fact, my parent's divorce showed me that life is too short to be unhappy. My parents gutted it out for a long time--and just weren't happy. I didn't want to go down that same path, so I made a change for myself and my future. Did that change come with emotional and financial consequences? Yes, it did, but long-term, it will all work out. Accepting my relationship with my terminally ill mother. There are a lot of highs, lot of lows, but one thing has remained constant; boundaries. I've maintained strong boundaries with her and that has led to more peace. If she does something I don't like/if she tries to purposely hurt me with her words, I call it out directly and I've left to go home numerous times. It shows her that I won't tolerate it. Accepting my relationship with my Dad and his new wife. Earlier this year, we got into an argument/dispute over it. However, I got to visit him and her during the holidays. I took the high road, saying that I'm happy for them and just want peace. They were both overjoyed and actually cried that they were so happy to have me back in their life. I'm not putting any expectations on those relationships and just enjoying them for what they are. I've started dating someone new, who is a much, much better fit for me. She's very sweet, nice, and just fun to be around. At some point, I stopped having fun. Her energy, love for life, and spirit has brought that fun back into my life. We'll see where it goes, but we're just enjoying each other and letting the good times roll. I was hired full-time by the Company that acquired my previous employer. Due to stupid politics, it's been challenging thus far and I don't think it's a long-term fit. Five years ago, if you would have told me that I'd have my current job, I'd be over the moon. However, I've changed and my priorities have changed. For now, it's helping pay the bills, but I've got my eyes open and my next path will show itself soon. I've restored some friendships with my childhood friends. We're all living in different places, doing different things, but we all love each other and love being together. Over the last few years, I took my eye off of these friendships due to the turmoil of my life, but things are turning around. The friendships are a little different, but with age and time, that is to be expected.
  8. Back for another update. I hope everyone is enjoying the holiday season! My new girlfriend and I celebrated Christmas about a week ago; we went to a show, exchanged gifts (she went way above and beyond for me, I got her tickets to a show that she really wanted to see.), and had a nice dinner. Her family lives in the south, so she went down there for Christmas. Ironically, my Dad moved and lives about an hour away from my girlfriend's family, so I'm flying down there for the weekend. I'll see my girlfriend, Dad, Dad's wife in some warm weather. Hopefully, this is a good visit. Last weekend, I did a volunteer event for some underprivileged kids. The kids are full of energy and just wild at times, but that keeps it fun. These kids have tough relationships at home, so spending time, taking them to a show was great. I also went to two Christmas parties, which was awesome. I went to one party with my girlfriend's friends, a lot of whom I've gotten close with. I also went to another party with my lifelong friends back at home. Due to the events of my life, I haven't seen most of these friends much over the last few years. Things have just gotten crazy and I shut down on purpose. Fortunately, we can all pick-up where we left off and we had a great time. After the Christmas parties, I decided to visit my Mom and spend a few days (Dec 22nd-26th) during Christmas with her. Our visit started a little rocky; she brought up some family issues and I expressed disappointment and hurt that my words/feelings were never being considered. My Mom never listens or addresses my words; rather she just spins things back on herself. I closed the conversation by saying that we 'agree to disagree' and went to bed for the night. On the 23rd, I woke up early and went to a friend's house so I could work for a few hours. I've known this particular friend for nearly my entire life and we were always best friends. I haven't seen him as frequently over the last few years due to all of the drama and crapp going in my life. I shut down and in turn, shut important people out of my life because I just felt hurt and not like myself and didn't want others to see me like that. Anyway, I returned back to Mom's after seeing my friend---and she started throwing all of these daggers at me. She said some really harmful, nasty things to me about me, my life choices, my girlfriend, etc. She's a mentally sick woman, so I have a hard time in this scenario because I need boundaries in my life and I've gone through this same exact scenario many, many times over the last few years. Still, I give her chance after chance. I agreed to stay---as long as she didn't pull anymore crapp. She was fine--until Christmas Day. We had a nice day on Christmas Eve (took her to an appointment, got her good food for dinner, got breakfast things for us for Christmas morning, my sister came over for Xmas Eve and she had fun). Heck, on Christmas morning, we made breakfast together and had fun. Things turned sour when she couldn't physically get out of her bed and I tried joking with her to make her feel better. She reacted her negatively and started her guilt tripping. She even said to me that we've both tried to have a relationship---and she thinks she shouldn't have a relationship anymore. A few minutes later, she fell asleep, and once again, I felt crushed and went for a run. After an internal debate on whether to leave or stay, I left and made the 3-hour trek home. She was asleep when I left and I left her a note. Merry Christmas, right? I didn't write much about this above, but My Mom loves to guilt-trip me that I "left her all alone on the holidays over the last few years", I'm viewed as a monster by her friends and our family for 'deserting her' after my parent's divorce, etc. It's just manipulation and over the last few years, I've distanced myself, only to give her another chance a 4-6 months later. Mentally and emotionally, I feel much better when I have distance from her. Whenever I'm with her, I figure that it's just a matter of time until she turns on me, has a breakdown, etc. It costs me a lot of time, energy, and money to visit her ($100/visit in transportation) only to leave disappointed 80% of the time. At times, I think that she tries to slot me into the role my Dad had. My Dad took her verbal abuse for 20 years--until he ended the marriage and left. Now, my Mom is trying to slot me into that role--and I won't take it.
  9. Hi all, popping by for another update. A long time, a wise man told that life is measured in decades, not years. Since there's less than 1 month remaining in this decade, it's a good time to reflect. I started this decade the same way I'm finishing: grinding and working hard. In 2010, I was a junior in college, doing two internships and networking like crazy. Now, in December 2019, I'm working for the largest media company in the world in a director role. All of the hard work that I put in at the beginning of the decade has paid off. I'm enjoying my current experience, but I know it's not a long-term thing. That's a post for another day, though. I started this decade going through a tough break-up, but my ex and I ultimately got back together and were married for about 5 years. I'm ending this decade by leaving that relationship behind, for good, and starting a new chapter in my life. My family life has been up-and-down, but that's life when you're dealing with different people, different personality, people start aging, etc. I only thing that really, really bothered me was how my divorce went down, financially. I spent 8+ years being the breadwinner for my now ex-wife and I. I did everything in my power to provide for us, I worked so many hours, I pivoted when the time was right, took on new projects/opportunities, and helped pay of $50,000+ of her student loan debt, bought her new cars (in cash). I did all of this out of love because I loved her and love being a provider. What I didn't like, however, was how she refused to give me $15,000 for our joint expenses (She had at least $80,000 in cash in the bank) and I still have to pay her alimony for 9 more months. The alimony isn't tax deductible, either. It's just demoralizing to work so hard, for so long, and see many of the benefits walk away in the divorce. What I did learn, though, is that you need to be happy, no matter what. I wasn't happy in my marriage anymore, so I needed to blaze a new trail for myself.
  10. Hi all, dropping in for another update. It's been a few things---and things are good. My girlfriend and I have been having lots of fun, going out a lot, and just enjoying life. We've been spending time with friends, going to football games, going to parties, etc. We both are developing feelings for each other, but I'm still very cautious. I heard from ex last week. I have to pay her alimony for 12 months and thus far, I've made two payments. The second payment was delayed due to a bank error. When she asked me about the error, I sent her the schedule of all payments and left it at that. The schedule had confirmation numbers, delivery dates, etc. I don't think she read the schedule at all because two days later, I got a really mean text from her (She must know about my new g/f, who is a blonde): "Thekidd, I don't care if your blonde girl's only task on the 1st of the month is to find me and hand deliver my money so it's delivered on time. Make sure it's delivered. I did not nothing wrong to you, I was your wife, I tried my best, and I respected our marriage. You pulled me through the mud for no reason. The least you can do is do what you agreed to." (I didn't respond to this because I sent her the schedule of payments once the banking error was fixed.) A few hours later, I get this message "*Sorry, correction: only task that day is to hand deliver my check instead of bl0wing you. Make sure it's delivered".
  11. Back for another update. Overall, things are good. All of my divorce paperwork is signed and filed with the court. Just need a judge to sign-off on it and I'm finished. I made my first alimony payment to my ex last week, so I only have 11 more to go. Short-term, it'll hurt a little, but long-term, I'll be okay. I'm working for one of the largest companies in the world right now and am working in a strategic role for them. Things are good and I'm super optimistic about the future even though some of the tasks/duties/responsibilities can be boring/dull. My new girlfriend is great. We've been dating for a few months--and we're having a lot of fun. She wants more and more of time and presence, which is cool. She just started a new job, so I'm trying to give her a lot of time and space to get situated. We've been going to fun shows, fun events, etc. I know a lot of people have given me grief over 'jumping' into another relationship, but honestly, I operate much differently now than I did with my ex. Things I've improved upon from the last relationship to this relationship: 1. I've gotten very, very good at just listening. I've stopped trying to be a problem solver and have just shown more compassion and understanding. I've learned that it's disrespectful to try to 'fix' someone's life or offer advice when they don't ask for it. 2. I've gotten very good at ask questions and setting boundaries. I try to put the attention on other people 90% of the time and just listen. I try to interject with my own experiences when the time is right, but more times than not, I just let them talk. I find listening to other people to be very interesting. 3. I give people a lot of space. I don't bombard anyone (e.g., girlfriend, friends, family, co-workers) and just let them come to me. I have plenty of things to keep me busy. 4. Positive encouragement. I try to be the biggest cheerleader in the world for my friends, girlfriend, etc. I try to pump everyone up because the world is just so negative now. 5. I'm more assertive with my wants/needs/desires. If something doesn't suit me, I express it. I'm not afraid to have an unpopular opinion. That's it for now. I'll catch ya later.
  12. Dropping by for another update. The biggest lesson that I've learned through this entire process: You're responsible for yourself and yourself alone. It doesn't mean that you need to be heartless, rather you have to make sure you're happy with yourself before anything else. I spent so many years catering to the needs/wants of others that I lost sight of what made me happy. (e.g., I was codependent on my ex-wife, I did literally everything to help my Mom, but it was never enough for her, which led to me feeling shame). I can't worry about what happened in the past/ask myself what I would have done differently, etc. The past is the past. All I can do is learn from it and change my own behavior. Also, setting boundaries is huge. I always let people steamroll through my boundaries. Both of my parents were people pleasers, so it's behavior that I saw and thought was normal. It is not normal, at all. People will take advantage of you if you don't have any boundaries/bend over backwards to please them. My Dad would constantly complain that my Mom didn't treat him well/was mean, but he failed to act and never stood up for himself. I used to feel bad for him, but I don't anymore. He failed to act as a man and that had residual effects. I allowed it to affect me, which I own and accept, so I had to take time to learn from the situation, fix my own thinking and move forward in a healthy way. Over the last few months, I've slowly started to change. I have more boundaries and I've been putting myself first. I've made sure that I'm happy and doing things that I want to do. A lot of people that have been in my life for a long time have reacted negatively to this because it's a clear change in my behavior and they aren't getting the same reaction as before. Some want to try to steamroll and control---and I'm not letting it happen anymore. My ex-wife was hell-bent on getting a reaction from me, but I never gave it to her. My Mom loves to try to shame me that I "Don't do enough for her", but I know my truths. My Dad wants me to accept his new wife, but there's a clear conflict of values. He opted to have an affair with her and marry her. I believe in always being honest and true---and having an affair is not being honest and true. It's one thing to handle your business and start a new relationship---it's another to have an affair for years and then act like it's all good when you finally grow a pair to end your existing marriage. I've spent so much time in counselling, self-reflection, self-study, reading, etc. that I've totally transformed my outlook and mindset for the better. Onwards.
  13. My divorce is basically finalized. Everything is signed and subtitled to the court. Tonight, My ex came by the apartment to get the rest of her stuff. I nearly put all of her stuff on sidewalk because I didn’t want her inside the apartment. Anyway, I sat next to stuff, she drove up, some guy she was with also drove up, they saw the stuff and I walked back inside. I didn’t engage either of them because I knew she was bringing this guy to cause trouble. She could have brought her brother or a family member, but brought this guy instead. I didn’t engage either one and just walked back inside. This guy started smoking immediately and she was horrible asthma. Not a great situation. I told my girlfriend about my ex coming to get her stuff. She was supportive and happy that I told her. She even sent me a text an hour before the ex came, saying ‘just wanted to send you some love. Thanks for telling me about your stuff tonight. I appreciate it. Cheers to this being over!’ I’ve been honest with her from the start. I’ve been true to myself and at the end of the day, that’s all that matters.
  14. Time to start hitting this journal more frequently. I want to build more self awareness, so I'm going to be honest about my own feelings, thoughts, etc. So far, today has been a good day. I woke up, reviewed some of my sports teams, took a nice shower, made it to the train on time. When I got on the train, I listened to some of my favorite relaxing, morning music. I got a coffee, was nice to the attentant behind the counter and had a nice subway ride to work. I smiled at an old lady on the subway and she smiled back. I asked some co-workers about their weekends---and I actively listed and asked questions. I'm proud of myself for doing this. At one point this morning, I did start to have some negative feelings creep into my head regarding my girlfriend, but it was just my insecurity screaming at me. I acknowledged the feelings, but also understood that I can only control myself and it's a waste of time/energy to worry about things I can't control. (Plus, there's nothing to worry about.) For the rest of the day, I plan on finishing off a few projects at work, having a good lunch, getting a good workout in after work, and relaxing/watching some baseball tonight. I have a conference and a charity event tomorrow, so it'll be a busy day. Here are a list of my favorite things/activities Favorite music: Rap/hiphop for exercise, rock/some country for driving, Hans Zimmer for whenever the occasion is right. Favorite movies: The Town, Good Will Hunting, A League of Their Own, Wedding Crashers, Superbad Favorite food: Pizza, protein bars Favorite school subjects: History, gym. Favorite sports: Baseball, football, basketball Favorite hobbies: Fantasy sports, working out, volunteering Favorite animals: Dogs Favorite books: The Power of Positive Thinking Ideal job/favorite job: Multi-faceted. Fantasy sports mixed with helping young people. Places I want to travel to: Hawaii, Australia, China, Cancun, Hans Zimmer concert, New Orleans, Nashville, every baseball stadium in the MLB, Rose Bowl on New Year's day What kind of house I want to live in: Small, 3 bedrooms, near the beach. small yard, a few dogs, walking trail near the house. What type of family would I like to have: One that loves each other, doesn't set expectations on each other, 2-3 kids, beautiful/sweet/passionate wife. What do I want to look like physically: 190-210 pounds (Currently 195). Low body fat, muscular, beard. Wearing blues to make me eyes stand out. How do you want to feel mentally/physically: Totally relaxed, accepting things as they are. Realizing that life is not perfect, Working out daily to make myself feel good mentally and physically. By making this list, I realize that there are a lot of places I want to visit. In terms of looks/working out, I'm in pretty good shape already, but I have to keep it up. Tomorrow, I'm going to focus on my values and beliefs.
  15. Back for another journal update. Through counselling, reading, doing self-evaluation, etc., I've accepted the fact that I've struggled with Codependency for nearly my entire life. I take full responsibility for it because I never looked inward to see that it was destroying my life. When I think back to my childhood, I realize that my Mother is the biggest Codependent that I've ever seen. She totally gave up her life for my sister and I---and still, to this day, reminds us of this fact. She doesn't have any regrets about it---but it was not a healthy way to life and as children, it shaped us, big-time. Both my sister and I have gone through extensive counselling to work through these issues. Still, to this day, we're both working through it as we try to understand ourselves more. I look back on all of my relationships---and I realize that I went for needy girls because I felt like I could 'fix' all of their issues and essentially bury myself into them. In turn, this led to the relationship becoming totally toxic because my self-worth became tied to 'taking care of them'. My ex-wife was the perfect match for the Codependent kidd55. She had family issues, money issues, daddy issues, money issues, emotional issues, etc. I felt like I could be knight in shining armor. Being her white knight made me feel good---at the expense of really looking at my true, inner core and thinking about what would make ME happy and realizing that I am not responsible for her issues; I am only responsible for myself and my own issues. My ex-wife and I were not two independent people that came together to form a better team. Instead, I totally buried myself into her--and look where that got me. I stopped looking inward, I stopped thinking about what would make me happy, etc. Over the last 2-3 years of my marriage, I was so unhappy because I bottled up my emotions and never said anything. I became deeply unhappy. Over the last few months, as I've started dating this new girl, I've been proactively watching my actions, words, responses, etc. So far, I've done well. I totally let her come and go as she pleases. I don't try to solve her problems. She knows that I'm there for her, but I don't make it my job to solve all of her issues. She's very independent and I think her upbringing was pretty normal, but I don't really know for sure. I don't try to control her; I just accept her for who she is. This mindset and action plan has made me feel much more at ease. I feel more relaxed, I'm not as anxious anymore, etc. I still need to spend more time ironing out some of my own things and becoming more self-aware, but I'm taking things a day at a time. I'm not obsessing over every detail, not worried about her every move, etc. I'm more focused on myself, my goals, my own well being, etc. When I'm with her, I focus on having fun, being present, and just going with the flow. Life is much easier without any expectations.
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