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thekid55 last won the day on November 28 2010

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  1. Hey Porcelain, thanks for reading. Your response is impressive. You sound very introspective, which is rare in today's world. Whenever any relationship ends (e.g., romantic, family, friendship), it's good to reflect on it. As you've read, I like to write down what happened, what my thoughts were, and how I can change things going forward. We can only control our thoughts, feelings, and emotions. Your missions seems very clear to me. Do whatever you can to break into the SWE industry. Network, find mentors, offer to work for free, etc. That should be your number one priority. Everything else is secondary. Whenever men get derailed your their mission in life, everything else falls apart. Use this breakup as fuel to move yourself forward in a positive way. Exercise is very important, too. Lifting weights and running always makes me feel better. Hang in there and good luck!
  2. Hi all, hope everyone is doing well. It's been about 4 months since the last one, so here it goes... My 32nd birthday was in December. I started this journal over 10 years ago! I've been through a lot of ups-and-downs, but I wouldn't change anything. Life is a journey. Successes and failures happen. We keep learning as we go! Still healthy. Have been healthy. Feeling great. I'm exercising nearly everyday and have been religiously taking vitamins (Vit C, Vit D, Fish Oil, Zinc) for about a year. Staying active, taking the vitamins, and limiting stress has been key! I've been living in my new apartment with my girlfriend for about 4 months. The apartment is beautiful, nice water views. Price-wise, it's similar to NYC, but you get more for your money in FL. The people are also much nicer. Years ago, I wrote about moving in this journal--and I made it happen. I wasn't happy living in NY. I'm much happier in FL. My girlfriend and I have been getting along well. I plan fun dates for us at least weekly and I have a fun surprise trip planned for her birthday in April. I'm "working from home" with my job, so it's been somewhat hard to keep work and fun separate She, alike a lot of people, have had trouble finding a new job, so I've been supporting us. I've been supportive of her job search and have even pitched her multiple ideas so she could start her own business. I've learned that we can only support and love people as they work their way through things. As I've learned, trying to force people to do things is not the way to go. Since I moved to FL, we've won 2 major sports championships in hockey and football. The football championship was a lot of fun. The championship game was in FL, so we got to see some shows, meet some celebrities, etc. The first few weeks after football season are a little dull, but things will pick up. My Mom is still living in assisted living--and I don't think she's ever going to be able to live on her own again. Her money is drying up, which is sad because she spent so much of her life paying off debt, making sure my sister and I could go to college, etc. She is still getting alimony from my Dad, so it's a complicated situation, financially. I've proactively tried to financially plan her future with her for years, but she's always been resistant. At this point, I've done all I can (e.g., offer help with a financial adviser, offered her the opportunity to live me, go through all of her assets and try to figure out a course of action). Overall, my relationship with my Mom has been better since she's been in assisted living. She has the help she needs and is more measured when she talks. My Dad and I talk occasionally. He lives about 30-40 minutes from me, but I haven't seen him in over a year. He claims that he's isolated due to COVID, but I don't fully get it. He doesn't have any pre-existing conditions and we've always been close, so it hurts that hasn't wanted to come see me. I haven't expressed this to him. Maybe I will. My boss has been fully supportive of my move to FL. My boss is based on the west coast--and there wasn't a business reason for me to remain in NY. He told me that he's working with his boss' boss to help me permanently relocate my job to FL. My company has big operations in FL and CA, so this makes sense. I feel very fortunate and lucky. I've been working a Corporate job for the last 10 years, and I don't think it'll be my long-term career path, but for now, I feel grateful.
  3. Dropping by for another update. It's been a few months, so time to recap. I'm healthy and have been healthy. That's the only thing that matters in 2020. In August, my mother was diagnosed with COVID after she was taken to the hospital (Small fall due a pre-existing condition). She beat COVID, but the doctors determined that she can't live alone since her fall was so bad. My sister, aunt, and I found a nice assisted living facility for her. Hopefully, this is just a short-term option. She's working with a physical therapist to get her strength back so she can go home. She's not allowed to have visitors, though, so I haven't been able to see her. In July, I decided that I wanted to move to Florida. A number of factors (e.g., current political climate, state of affairs in NYC, been wanting a change for years) influenced that decision. I made arrangements with work (Everyone is working remotely right now, so no issues and they were supportive.) I officially moved out of NYC at the end of August. I hired the wrong moving company, so I had to pivot and make other arrangements since the moving company was attempting to overcharge me by $2,000. Ultimately, I shipped everything via UPS and found a freelance shipper to take my big items. My girlfriend also wanted to move back to Florida, so we did it together. We drove from NYC to Florida, which was a fun drive, and made some fun stops along the way. I offered to include my Mom in my move to Florida, pre-COVID, but she wasn't interested in leaving the North. I've been living life as normal while a lot of the world lives in hysteria. I take precautions, but I don't let the craziness consume me. I try not to watch too much news, either. I'm officially moving into my new Florida apartment soon. I've been staying with my girlfriend's family--and that's been a blessing. Her family is so nice and her dogs are great. I'm so thankful for them and I will miss them once we move. Living with them healed me and reminded me of my own family in many ways.
  4. Dropping by for another update. Wow, the world has definitely changed over the last three months. Lots of craziness and society, as a whole, is definitely re-thinking a lot of things. As for me, I've been dating my girlfriend for about a year now. When Coronavirus pandemic first started, she (and most of her NY friends), opted to go home (Southern states). I decided to stay behind in NY even though she practically begged me to come. The day-to-day situation was definitely uncertain and I wasn't crazy about traveling. Ultimately, her and I were apart for about 2 months. A few weeks ago, I decided to travel down south and have been staying with her family. Her family are the nicest, sweetest people in the world. I, unfortunately, didn't have many options to escape NY because my mother is at risk, my Dad didn't want me to visit, and my sister works in hospitals. Most of my friends are married or engaged with kids, so those weren't options either. Her family has made me feel super welcomed and I'm definitely feeling the love. During our time apart, we kept things fresh by (i) learning French togetehr, (ii) building a massive movie list and watching 1 per day, (iii) doing weekly FaceTime dates.
  5. Time for an honest, raw post. The Corona Virus quarantine has given me a lot of free time to read, think, and now journal. When I look back at the last 10 years or so, I realize that I made a lot of mistakes. Some of the mistakes include, but are not limited to: (i) not setting boundaries, (ii) breaking my word w/ my ex-wife and friends, (iii) not proactively planning my future. I can sit here and blame my parents, namely my Dad, for not having a backbone and not showing me how to be a man, but I'm not here to do that. Instead, I've spent the last 2-3 years reading as many books as I can. I've had to teach myself how to be man, I've had to look for mentors, seek advice, and start to make changes for the betterment of my own life. Some things that I've done that have made me feel 10x better than ever before: (i) keeping my promises/never breaking my word, (ii) goal setting, (iii) creating boundaries at work and in my personal life. Sitting around and pondering "What Ifs" isn't healthy at all. However, I do realize that the mistakes I've made forced me to become a better man.
  6. Time to reflect on the last decade, and more specifically, 2019. Overall, this past decade was a decade filled with growth, valuable life experience, and a lot of lessons. Some of my main accomplishments from the last decade: Graduated from college with a double major & honors; Landed a valuable first job in consulting that reinforced my work ethic. When the time was right, I pivoted to bigger opportunities and have worked for the two largest media companies in the world. I accomplished all of this by 30. With my personal relationships, I experienced some high points (engagement, marriage) and some low points (divorce, family relationships falling apart, distance with some friends). However, each of these experiences thought me valuable lessons. I've learned relationships are not meant to last forever. Sometimes, relationships fall apart for a reasons that are explainable (one or both people out-grew the relationship, the relationship ran its course) and not explainable (I don't know what goes through other's heads, but I don't have any control.) I've experiment with a lot of different projects (built a sports website, dabbled in various investments, had success playing games). All of these experiences have taught me to enjoy success and also how to overcome failure. Learning how to accept things for what they are. At the end of the day, I can only control myself, my own thoughts, and my own actions. I must live with myself and my decisions. At the beginning of the decade, I always wanted things to be perfect. Life ain't perfect, thekid55. Buckle up and enjoy the ride. When things get tough, you'll learn more about yourself. In terms of physical fitness, I ran a half marathon, got into amazing shape, feel better than I ever have in my life. I've traveled a lot. I've seen a lot of different places (Europe, Caribbean, various parts of the U.S.). I will continue to explore and take adventures. I've sought out mentors and have done a ton of reading about self-improvement, self-growth, etc. Reading is always a good way to 'steal' someone else's brain and get insight from a different perspective. Most people want to stay 'stuck'--and a lot of people reacted negatively when they saw me grow (and keep growing). When you keep evolving as a person, most people won't like it because you're breaking the mold/idea they had for you. Instead, focus on the ones that are celebrating your success. That's all that matters! Swallowing my pride and go to counselling. I put that as an accomplishment because too many people don't go due to their ego. In time, I mustered the strength to go and deal with my demons. I cried once or twice in the counsellor's office, but it was part of my path forward. I also accepted that I was co-dependent on others (my Mom, my Dad, my ex-wife). I stopped focusing inwards and kept focusing on others. I've learned that isn't healthy and I always consciously try to focus on myself first. When I look back at 2019, I don't see a lot of pain; rather I see a lot of valuable growth. Some of these growth areas include: Finally accepting that my marriage had run its course. For the last few years, things didn't feel right. My parents' divorce, which I've detailed at length, definitely changed me as a person. In fact, my parent's divorce showed me that life is too short to be unhappy. My parents gutted it out for a long time--and just weren't happy. I didn't want to go down that same path, so I made a change for myself and my future. Did that change come with emotional and financial consequences? Yes, it did, but long-term, it will all work out. Accepting my relationship with my terminally ill mother. There are a lot of highs, lot of lows, but one thing has remained constant; boundaries. I've maintained strong boundaries with her and that has led to more peace. If she does something I don't like/if she tries to purposely hurt me with her words, I call it out directly and I've left to go home numerous times. It shows her that I won't tolerate it. Accepting my relationship with my Dad and his new wife. Earlier this year, we got into an argument/dispute over it. However, I got to visit him and her during the holidays. I took the high road, saying that I'm happy for them and just want peace. They were both overjoyed and actually cried that they were so happy to have me back in their life. I'm not putting any expectations on those relationships and just enjoying them for what they are. I've started dating someone new, who is a much, much better fit for me. She's very sweet, nice, and just fun to be around. At some point, I stopped having fun. Her energy, love for life, and spirit has brought that fun back into my life. We'll see where it goes, but we're just enjoying each other and letting the good times roll. I was hired full-time by the Company that acquired my previous employer. Due to stupid politics, it's been challenging thus far and I don't think it's a long-term fit. Five years ago, if you would have told me that I'd have my current job, I'd be over the moon. However, I've changed and my priorities have changed. For now, it's helping pay the bills, but I've got my eyes open and my next path will show itself soon. I've restored some friendships with my childhood friends. We're all living in different places, doing different things, but we all love each other and love being together. Over the last few years, I took my eye off of these friendships due to the turmoil of my life, but things are turning around. The friendships are a little different, but with age and time, that is to be expected.
  7. Thanks to all for the replies. Happy New Year. -thekid
  8. Thanks, Skeptic. I've thought a lot about my own behaviors. If I'm truly being honest, I used to have a hard time being patient, but I've gotten better in time. Since my Mom needs a walker, it takes her awhile to do things. In prior year,s I would angry and frustrated. In recent times, I've been much more patient and understanding. Sometimes, she'll criticize me for not taking initiative to do things for her, but she's stubborn and likes doing some things herself. When she says these things to me, I'll tell her that she needs to directly tell me things so I can help her. She's never happy with that answer. By leaving her house to go home, I don't view that as punishment. Rather, I view it as removing myself from a bad situation. I'll be the first to admit that I was/still am codependent so it's hard for me leave people in need. I've addressed this point in counselling and am much more 'hands off' with people in my life. My mother, however, loves to remind me about everything she did for me as a child and hold it over my head like I'm supposed to do the same for her now. I'm more than happy to help her, but I cannot be/will not be her caretaker.
  9. Thanks for the response, Milly. The counselor advised me to clear state my boundaries and advise what I would do if she broke through those boundaries. A few days ago, I made a sincere attempt to have a heart-to-heart with her. I told that I was hurt because I'm trying to give her a nice Christmas and be there for her while also having my own life and trying to move forward with my life. I told her that we're never going to agree on every topic and every person is just different (e.g., I'm different from my sister, my sister is different from my aunt) and we're each good (and bad) at certain things. She doesn't listen to my words, at all, and just spins things about how it affects her. This Christmas visit was especially tough for me because I've healed so much, mentally and emotionally and started to move forward with my life since 2019 has been a tough year. I went through a divorce earlier this year and I tried telling her that in times like these, I need my family the most. Instead, she just insulted me, telling me that I abandoned her and left her all alone last Christmas. She also told me that I should breakup with my new girlfriend because "she's very nice" and I'm an a-hole. Nice, right? And it's not like I just show up on holidays and then disappear, either. I called her at least 3-4 times a week to check in and see how she's doing. Her "War Path" is just the rage she feels when she doesn't get her way or someone has a different point of view. I equate it to a young child throwing a fit. I don't know if it's from MS (or not) because I was very young when she was first diagnosed and don't know how she re-acted, pre-MS. I'm trying my best because I was always taught that family is the most important thing in life and I truly believe that. However, when family relationships turns sour, I have to be honest with myself and wonder if it's really the best thing for me.
  10. Hello all, happy holidays. I'll try to keep this as short and sweet. I'm having a really, really hard time having a relationship with my Mother, who is terminally ill, can't get over her divorce with my Dad, etc. I'll add more details below, but it's a madden relationship that leaves me very sad and hurt because I've given her so many chances and keep feeling disappointed. I've gone to counselling, tried to give my relationship with her many months of space, etc. I cannot handle the highs and lows of the relationship with my mother, who has a terminal illness. My mother was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis 20 years, and over time, it has slowly eaten away at her body and her brain. Physically, she needs a walker to get around and mentally, she's with it 90% of the time, but has her moments where she goes on 'the war path'. To complicate matters more, my Dad divorced my Mom about 4 years ago, ending a 32 year marriage. My Dad had a girlfriend on the side--and chose to end his marriage after years of trying to work on things with my Mom. Once my parents were divorced, I tried to help out my Mom as much as possible. I have a very successful career in a big city, which is about 3 hours away from my Mom. Every weekend, I'd travel down to my Mom's house, with my now ex-wife, and help her with tasks and chores. She needed to sell our childhood home, so I made it my mission to help her and clear out the house. The house was very big and it took many, many weekends of work to finish it off. My Mom was very sweet and nice when I helped her out, but as soon as the project was done and she was moved into her new, better home, she turned on me. She would have complete meltdowns whenever I disagreed with her or when she didn't get her way. It got so bad that my ex and I had to leave on many occasions and make the 3-hour trek home after a short visit. I felt used and just upset after these interactions. To deal with her sadness and depression, my Mom got hooked to anti-depressants and had many suicidal episodes where she would threaten to kill herself on the phone. It was just fake posturing, but it hurt me being so far away. We've had police check in on her, medics, doctors, etc. I think this was her cry for help, but it hurt and made me worry. This past year (2019) was a tough one for me. Ultimately, my 5-year marriage ended, I spent a lot of time in counselling to deal with the pain of divorce and my rocky relationship with my Mom, etc. I've given my Mom a lot of time and space this year, so I can deal with my own issues, but she loves to remind me that I "Abandoned" her, didn't cal her, etc. She doesn't understand the plight of me (or my sister, who dealt with an eating disorder). She turned some of my family members against me, reciting the 'abondonment' that I did to her. These family members and I used to be very close, but don't talk to me anymore even though I've tried to talk to them. My latest frustration came on Christmas. After a few months of good phone conversations, I agreed to take a few days off from work so I could spend a few days with my Mom. As soon as I got there on the 22nd, we had a disagreement over something trial, she started hurling insults at me, etc. I told her that I'd stay if she stopped, but if she started again, I'd leave. Sure enough, after a few good days, she started up again on Christmas Day and I left to go home. On my way out the door, she started screaming that "we shouldn't have a relationship anymore because I can't handle it". Just more crapp that was designed to make me feel bad. I feel a lot of pain and sadness because I love my Mom, but I think she sees my Dad when she looks at me and just wants to punish me when I don't do things her way/I don't say things she wants me to say. Any tips on dealing with this type of situation? The best course of action thus far is just leaving when I make my feelings clear. I've done it multiple times.
  11. Back for another update. I hope everyone is enjoying the holiday season! My new girlfriend and I celebrated Christmas about a week ago; we went to a show, exchanged gifts (she went way above and beyond for me, I got her tickets to a show that she really wanted to see.), and had a nice dinner. Her family lives in the south, so she went down there for Christmas. Ironically, my Dad moved and lives about an hour away from my girlfriend's family, so I'm flying down there for the weekend. I'll see my girlfriend, Dad, Dad's wife in some warm weather. Hopefully, this is a good visit. Last weekend, I did a volunteer event for some underprivileged kids. The kids are full of energy and just wild at times, but that keeps it fun. These kids have tough relationships at home, so spending time, taking them to a show was great. I also went to two Christmas parties, which was awesome. I went to one party with my girlfriend's friends, a lot of whom I've gotten close with. I also went to another party with my lifelong friends back at home. Due to the events of my life, I haven't seen most of these friends much over the last few years. Things have just gotten crazy and I shut down on purpose. Fortunately, we can all pick-up where we left off and we had a great time. After the Christmas parties, I decided to visit my Mom and spend a few days (Dec 22nd-26th) during Christmas with her. Our visit started a little rocky; she brought up some family issues and I expressed disappointment and hurt that my words/feelings were never being considered. My Mom never listens or addresses my words; rather she just spins things back on herself. I closed the conversation by saying that we 'agree to disagree' and went to bed for the night. On the 23rd, I woke up early and went to a friend's house so I could work for a few hours. I've known this particular friend for nearly my entire life and we were always best friends. I haven't seen him as frequently over the last few years due to all of the drama and crapp going in my life. I shut down and in turn, shut important people out of my life because I just felt hurt and not like myself and didn't want others to see me like that. Anyway, I returned back to Mom's after seeing my friend---and she started throwing all of these daggers at me. She said some really harmful, nasty things to me about me, my life choices, my girlfriend, etc. She's a mentally sick woman, so I have a hard time in this scenario because I need boundaries in my life and I've gone through this same exact scenario many, many times over the last few years. Still, I give her chance after chance. I agreed to stay---as long as she didn't pull anymore crapp. She was fine--until Christmas Day. We had a nice day on Christmas Eve (took her to an appointment, got her good food for dinner, got breakfast things for us for Christmas morning, my sister came over for Xmas Eve and she had fun). Heck, on Christmas morning, we made breakfast together and had fun. Things turned sour when she couldn't physically get out of her bed and I tried joking with her to make her feel better. She reacted her negatively and started her guilt tripping. She even said to me that we've both tried to have a relationship---and she thinks she shouldn't have a relationship anymore. A few minutes later, she fell asleep, and once again, I felt crushed and went for a run. After an internal debate on whether to leave or stay, I left and made the 3-hour trek home. She was asleep when I left and I left her a note. Merry Christmas, right? I didn't write much about this above, but My Mom loves to guilt-trip me that I "left her all alone on the holidays over the last few years", I'm viewed as a monster by her friends and our family for 'deserting her' after my parent's divorce, etc. It's just manipulation and over the last few years, I've distanced myself, only to give her another chance a 4-6 months later. Mentally and emotionally, I feel much better when I have distance from her. Whenever I'm with her, I figure that it's just a matter of time until she turns on me, has a breakdown, etc. It costs me a lot of time, energy, and money to visit her ($100/visit in transportation) only to leave disappointed 80% of the time. At times, I think that she tries to slot me into the role my Dad had. My Dad took her verbal abuse for 20 years--until he ended the marriage and left. Now, my Mom is trying to slot me into that role--and I won't take it.
  12. Hi all, popping by for another update. A long time, a wise man told that life is measured in decades, not years. Since there's less than 1 month remaining in this decade, it's a good time to reflect. I started this decade the same way I'm finishing: grinding and working hard. In 2010, I was a junior in college, doing two internships and networking like crazy. Now, in December 2019, I'm working for the largest media company in the world in a director role. All of the hard work that I put in at the beginning of the decade has paid off. I'm enjoying my current experience, but I know it's not a long-term thing. That's a post for another day, though. I started this decade going through a tough break-up, but my ex and I ultimately got back together and were married for about 5 years. I'm ending this decade by leaving that relationship behind, for good, and starting a new chapter in my life. My family life has been up-and-down, but that's life when you're dealing with different people, different personality, people start aging, etc. I only thing that really, really bothered me was how my divorce went down, financially. I spent 8+ years being the breadwinner for my now ex-wife and I. I did everything in my power to provide for us, I worked so many hours, I pivoted when the time was right, took on new projects/opportunities, and helped pay of $50,000+ of her student loan debt, bought her new cars (in cash). I did all of this out of love because I loved her and love being a provider. What I didn't like, however, was how she refused to give me $15,000 for our joint expenses (She had at least $80,000 in cash in the bank) and I still have to pay her alimony for 9 more months. The alimony isn't tax deductible, either. It's just demoralizing to work so hard, for so long, and see many of the benefits walk away in the divorce. What I did learn, though, is that you need to be happy, no matter what. I wasn't happy in my marriage anymore, so I needed to blaze a new trail for myself.
  13. Hi all, dropping in for another update. It's been a few things---and things are good. My girlfriend and I have been having lots of fun, going out a lot, and just enjoying life. We've been spending time with friends, going to football games, going to parties, etc. We both are developing feelings for each other, but I'm still very cautious. I heard from ex last week. I have to pay her alimony for 12 months and thus far, I've made two payments. The second payment was delayed due to a bank error. When she asked me about the error, I sent her the schedule of all payments and left it at that. The schedule had confirmation numbers, delivery dates, etc. I don't think she read the schedule at all because two days later, I got a really mean text from her (She must know about my new g/f, who is a blonde): "Thekidd, I don't care if your blonde girl's only task on the 1st of the month is to find me and hand deliver my money so it's delivered on time. Make sure it's delivered. I did not nothing wrong to you, I was your wife, I tried my best, and I respected our marriage. You pulled me through the mud for no reason. The least you can do is do what you agreed to." (I didn't respond to this because I sent her the schedule of payments once the banking error was fixed.) A few hours later, I get this message "*Sorry, correction: only task that day is to hand deliver my check instead of bl0wing you. Make sure it's delivered".
  14. Back for another update. Overall, things are good. All of my divorce paperwork is signed and filed with the court. Just need a judge to sign-off on it and I'm finished. I made my first alimony payment to my ex last week, so I only have 11 more to go. Short-term, it'll hurt a little, but long-term, I'll be okay. I'm working for one of the largest companies in the world right now and am working in a strategic role for them. Things are good and I'm super optimistic about the future even though some of the tasks/duties/responsibilities can be boring/dull. My new girlfriend is great. We've been dating for a few months--and we're having a lot of fun. She wants more and more of time and presence, which is cool. She just started a new job, so I'm trying to give her a lot of time and space to get situated. We've been going to fun shows, fun events, etc. I know a lot of people have given me grief over 'jumping' into another relationship, but honestly, I operate much differently now than I did with my ex. Things I've improved upon from the last relationship to this relationship: 1. I've gotten very, very good at just listening. I've stopped trying to be a problem solver and have just shown more compassion and understanding. I've learned that it's disrespectful to try to 'fix' someone's life or offer advice when they don't ask for it. 2. I've gotten very good at ask questions and setting boundaries. I try to put the attention on other people 90% of the time and just listen. I try to interject with my own experiences when the time is right, but more times than not, I just let them talk. I find listening to other people to be very interesting. 3. I give people a lot of space. I don't bombard anyone (e.g., girlfriend, friends, family, co-workers) and just let them come to me. I have plenty of things to keep me busy. 4. Positive encouragement. I try to be the biggest cheerleader in the world for my friends, girlfriend, etc. I try to pump everyone up because the world is just so negative now. 5. I'm more assertive with my wants/needs/desires. If something doesn't suit me, I express it. I'm not afraid to have an unpopular opinion. That's it for now. I'll catch ya later.
  15. Dropping by for another update. The biggest lesson that I've learned through this entire process: You're responsible for yourself and yourself alone. It doesn't mean that you need to be heartless, rather you have to make sure you're happy with yourself before anything else. I spent so many years catering to the needs/wants of others that I lost sight of what made me happy. (e.g., I was codependent on my ex-wife, I did literally everything to help my Mom, but it was never enough for her, which led to me feeling shame). I can't worry about what happened in the past/ask myself what I would have done differently, etc. The past is the past. All I can do is learn from it and change my own behavior. Also, setting boundaries is huge. I always let people steamroll through my boundaries. Both of my parents were people pleasers, so it's behavior that I saw and thought was normal. It is not normal, at all. People will take advantage of you if you don't have any boundaries/bend over backwards to please them. My Dad would constantly complain that my Mom didn't treat him well/was mean, but he failed to act and never stood up for himself. I used to feel bad for him, but I don't anymore. He failed to act as a man and that had residual effects. I allowed it to affect me, which I own and accept, so I had to take time to learn from the situation, fix my own thinking and move forward in a healthy way. Over the last few months, I've slowly started to change. I have more boundaries and I've been putting myself first. I've made sure that I'm happy and doing things that I want to do. A lot of people that have been in my life for a long time have reacted negatively to this because it's a clear change in my behavior and they aren't getting the same reaction as before. Some want to try to steamroll and control---and I'm not letting it happen anymore. My ex-wife was hell-bent on getting a reaction from me, but I never gave it to her. My Mom loves to try to shame me that I "Don't do enough for her", but I know my truths. My Dad wants me to accept his new wife, but there's a clear conflict of values. He opted to have an affair with her and marry her. I believe in always being honest and true---and having an affair is not being honest and true. It's one thing to handle your business and start a new relationship---it's another to have an affair for years and then act like it's all good when you finally grow a pair to end your existing marriage. I've spent so much time in counselling, self-reflection, self-study, reading, etc. that I've totally transformed my outlook and mindset for the better. Onwards.
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