It can happen if you really get your act together

[valavoo]

This thread is beautiful.

 

*sits in it and reads*

[jasper01]

Wow, surprised how long this thread went for. Haven’t been here in close to 10 years? Memories.

Can’t say I didn’t learn from this and that helped a lot. I don’t do crappy relationships anymore. No time for it, and I’d rather be single. Wish someone had shook me and said that years ago, maybe lightbulb would have went on. I guess its hard when you’re lonely and hurt and it seems like the source is someone else to see that clearly. The source was in me, but I selectively forgot that maybe. BS theories, I’ve got lots of em.

I’ve been happily in love and married several years with a different ex that I got back together with (from even before), and we aren’t having these kinds of problems anymore. Mysterious stuff. Onward.

[Anonymous098]

I have been lurking here for several weeks and made an account, partly to respond to this one.

 

I'm glad I found this thread early-ish on in my healing journey. It teased out all the nuances to the questions I've been having about the typical rules we, the heartbroken, find on internet forums, youtube, and from well-meaning friends. I really needed this. Thanks to everyone who posted here.

[claudeb]

Hi Jesper01. Thank you!! Your post opened up my eyes. I was just abandoned...but I believe he wanted to make things working as much as I wanted. Could you share more of your case and could you please read my post and tell me what you think? I appreciate.

 

We were madly in love with each other and we were dead serious about each other. He told me (after 4 months, of course we already had sex) I was his first real girlfriend and that he was a virgin before. It shocked me but I accepted the fact, I accepted everything about this man: not handsome, very short, a bit overweighted, he is a nerd, studies until 31 (with a Phd), grew up well protected, only child, he is not good at conflict situations(I will explain the mother in our relationship later) Me: started dating with 15, way more mature than my age, good looking, grew up the hardcore way, not well protected, studies and worked in 3 continents, not have much but financially independent, doing my MBA. We are both 31. We have the same interest, love technology, love to fly, love to dive, love food, love opera, love cultivated stuffs, even the fact that I haven't watched TV for 10 years, we loved the same TV shows, we love to serving to each other, to take care of each other, we could't sleep without each other after only 2 months. After only 3 months I moved into his apartment. I didn't want it in the beginning, I have an Asian background, living together with my partner is too much commitment for me, that I need have to marry him. He lost weight with my help, with my cookings. When he was still doing the Phd, he came back home the food was ready. I did spa to him, was giving him a facial treatment once in two weeks. Yes I cut his hairs to make him save money, whenever he needed me, his "graduation", every time, everything(he was a bit stressed because his father has cancer and leaving the university starting a new life), I was there for him to make him to relax. We bought some new furnitures and we decorated the house. He got me a Christmas tree, because it was important for me to have one. He was allowed to give me head massage when I was taking a bath. Ever friend told me they could see how obsessed he was with me.

 

We had two not serious fights since I moved into his apartment. First: It was about that I haven't met his parents in person. Which for me its not respectful to live with the partner without knowing the parents. So he booked the flights to Luxembourg to let me meet his family. Second: I wanted to get married soon. I know it's crazy, but it's my background... not only the cultural difference (Im Asian, grew up in Europe) I am on my own since I was 17 y.o. Very independent, ambitious, career driven until last year. (He didn't see this side of me, as my startup failed shortly before we met each other, I tried so hard, I have put my everything into this project - I wanted it to take a break before graduating with the MBA in May.) Being through a lot of things in my young age, I have seen many different things, I have travelled to see the world (more than 50 countries), I was ready to settle down with the man I love and would take care of him for the rest of my life. It was him. I told him that. As he told me, he is not ready, maybe in 5 years. I said I will leave him, I cannot wait for 5 years. He went on his knee, he cried so bad and begged me to stay. It broke my heart to see him crying. He explained me that he will work every work this year to be able to have a salary negotiation next year, so we could save up some money, and we could provide more to our children, and he will be ready. I accepted it. I understood I cannot leave him break his heart and I was ready to be a mama with 35, I will still be a good mother at 35.

Fight three: I have found a very cheap but way more bigger apartment so I wanted to move in with him in May. (He will start his job in June). For me it was the perfect one, bigger, and with a small garden. He didn't want it and I was mad. He said I freak out. I raised my voice. I said things I didn't mean it like then I will leave you. You can cancel the flight to Luxembourg. Then he started yelling at me: if you don't go to Luxembourg with me, it's over!!! You move out by the 1th of May!!! He then went to the bedroom and called his mother....I was mad because the mother knows our love details.. and I wished for the support of the mother for my choice. So I left our house and went to see a friend. I sent him a text message hours later to say Im sorry to be yelling at you. Im leaving next week. I didn't mean it, I was mad. When I came back home, he already packed up everything of my stuffs!! I was in a shock!!! He asked me for the keys! He deleted my photo on instagram "with the love of my life", he took out our pictures from the frames. I was incredibly **** - so I throw all the gifts away what he gave me and I ripped our pictures. I throw things at him. He yelled at me: this is my apartment.

During that night I went on his ipad and found out all the conversations - he lied to me. He said he was never with a Chinese girl before. Well, there were 3 others, he took all of us to the same restaurants, same bars, even the same selfie from the same place and the same gifts. It confused me very much. I didn't feel special anymore. Every woman deserves to feel special right.

 

The next morning his mother called me to tell me to get a taxi and move into a hotel room....that he cannot throw me out, then I leave by myself...what a mother. I could not believe he involved this mother into this.... it was so insensitive you know... It was a common home. Emotionally it was my home. I cried because the mother said this to me. He wanted to have his ipad back, I pushed him away. He threatened me with the police! To leave by 12:30!! Well, I had to call my friends to come over....They came and she said if you have two balls just pay her a hotel room. Why don't you leave. He answered with: I have already paid the rent here for two months. I mean regardless. You cannot imagine my shock in that moment. The police came and I moved to my friend's place and we returned him the keys. Long story short: 5 days later I went back there to pick up the rest of my stuffs - the mother drove all the way from Luxembourg and helped him packing my stuffs. So disrespectful. The mother was watching me over to see me carrying the bags.... I said to my friend what a mama's boy in front of her and also what a sociopath. I told him you will never see me again and he mother was like: what a luck. Unbelievable. I understand what I must hurt him so much - and then I was hurt. His eyes were without emotions, so cruel, so cold. His mother's eyes were filled with anger. He had a witness there when he was turning me my gifts to him and handling me over my letters. I was from the one to another day homeless in a foreign country, he abandoned me 3 weeks before my graduation (I need to fly to the US for the graduation).

 

A few days later when I was drunk I went to e place at night, it made me very angry because he locked the door from outside (it was for me my home), he came down and I slap him and left. Well, he of course called the police again but I already left and I don't remember that I should have slap him. I know it from my mother. He called my mother the following day to tell her that I was aggressive and dangerous. The police called me 2 days ago and wanted my statement. I haven't contact him since then, it's been 10 days. I understand that I have hurt him with: I don't go to Luxembourg with you. He is extremely sensitive and he cannot deal with conflicts, he is way too much protected by his mother. And I am more mature, I know only love is not enough, its the compromises, its the communications, its the ability to solve problems when you cool off. He will never understand this, because his mother has his back and she doesn't think this way. He had plans with me, he had a whole week planed with me. And even a week before he had booked a surprise weekend for me. The surprise weekend was one week later he went nuts. But packing my stuffs because of a fight was too much for me. And threaten me with the police, I mean what grown up man will call the police...telling me I don't have a contract with the landlord...getting his mother involved and abandon me was too much to put on me.

[SherrySher]

You have obviously learnt nothing Claude from all the good advice you have already gotten from many posters.

 

You want everyone to feel sorry for you and tell you that you were right.

 

I feel bad for you, you will have a very hard time in relationships.

[katrina1980]

BUMP. This is an amazing thread, and one I really needed to read right now. Thank you all for your insight. If you have read my other posts, you will see that I am having a lot of highs and lows currently. After a four year relationship that ended in a very intense and sad way, I guess it is all very normal for the ups and downs. One thing my ex mentioned is focusing on bettering myself, and further down the line, we would take it from there. I also know he needs the space to improve himself. I still love him, and I think the breakup made me realize just how much I took him for granted. Neither of us was perfect, though. No one is.

My question is... now that I have spent time creating space, improving myself (getting a great new job, taking care of my health, with no contact, I feel compelled to write him an e-mail and let him know all of these things that I have done to better myself. I know not everything can change overnight or in the few months we have been broken up. I just want him to know these things. I am afraid, though, that because I still love him and want to reconcile someday, that it may come across as needy or disingenuous. I want him to be proud of me, and I want him to know I started to take these steps. I've since moved from California (where we lived together) to Arizona... it would be hard for him to be aware of all these changes. Any insight would be greatly appreciated.

 

Question to consider yourself:

 

What was your true purpose for making all these positive changes in your life?

 

Did you make these changes for yourself, to improve, grow and evolve?

 

Or did you make these changes for him, hoping to capture his attention and love again?

 

If you made for him, then I am afraid your mindset still isn't where it should be.

 

Never change yourself for a man or anyone, to recapture his love, or to impress him or anything else.

 

Change for yourself, seek improvement for yourself, to be the best person you can be - for yourself. To increase self-esteem and confidence.

 

Unless you changed for him, an attempt to recapture his heart, there is absolutely no reason to mention to him..

 

Not to mention, he will most likely see right through it, and see it as some sort of maneuver to get him back, a manipulation of sorts. Disingenuous as you said.

 

It doesn't matter what he thinks - he is your ex.