It can happen if you really get your act together

[dabbledave]

Just finished reading this whole thread. And what a thread it is; great insight from the OP and others, especially Tired Tiger. Thank you!

 

It is almost six months since my ex of four-and-a-half years and I broke up. Due to circumstances it was a very messy separation. I walked away from my fiance in anger because I felt very literally abandoned by her rejection (I had recently moved to a new country for her).

 

Within two weeks I fell into serious depression during which I begged her back and briefly contemplated ending it all. To climb out of that hole I did a lot of internal work -- self-gratitude, self-love, self-respect, self-confidence (http://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=391067). The techniques I learned, adapted, and practised worked very powerfully for me, but I never actually let her go.

 

Three months later I had so much self-confidence and self-belief that I felt I could encourage her to try again. I didn't hear what I wanted to hear from her, of course, so I became extremely anxious and depressed again for the best part of a month. I had to learn to let her go (http://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=400560).

 

I requested no contact from my ex a little over a month ago and she has respected that. I told her that because I still loved her and that because the feelings were not mutual I needed the space to move on.

 

Since going through the process of letting go (and having given myself the chance to stop thinking about what to say to her) I have come to understand that in order to have maximised chances for reconciliation, the stages I went through should have been the other way around i.e. I should have let her go first (detachment, space, NC, etc.), worked on my own issues (healing, confidence, insight, communication etc) second, and then tried reaching out. This thread has served to reinforce that view.

 

That's not a regret; it's a lesson learned that I am happy to share with you all.

 

Regardless, it is six months post-BU and I'm at a similar place to other posters on ENA who separated from their exes at about the same time as me. I feel that indifference is just around the corner; indifference that will soon allow me to reach out to her as an old friend without expectations; indifference, indeed, to determine whether or not I really want her as a friend (for the pedestal I had her on has since crumbled to dust.

 

So I would highly recommend folks who have freshly separated from a loved one to study this thread in depth. (I would also recommend my own threads (see sig) but not in the order presented! )

 

Take care my friends,

 

DD

[Popoloids]

The conventional wisdom would be no. If there's even a fraction of a percent of likelihood that there's any expectation at all from doing this - don't. The number of reconciliations facilitated by a Christmas card are about the same as those from a Facebook status update or drunken text. In other words... none. Doing nothing confirms your respect and prevents you from setting yourself back because of the likely unmet expectation.

Thanks TT! I'm gonna apply this one. I was just confused coz my mind is telling me not to do it but my heart is still telling me to do it...

One more thing, I work in a pastry shop, everytime I finished work on 24th of December I always pass by at their house to bring her family pastry's/cake or chocolate and greet them a merry christmas.

Her family were very nice to me. When me and my gf broke up, I still went at their house to see her parents and thanked them for everything. Coz they helped me a lot. I can say that it wasn't a bad break up.

My question is Can I still pass by at her house to see her parents but not her and still bring them something for christmas and greet them for the holidays. I know my relationship with their daughter has ended, but my friendship with them didn't end yet. So what are your thoughts about this? Thanks

[mhowe]

By letting go with love, you find the peace to cherish the memories, and when you look to the future --- you again have hope. It doesnt' matter if the future finds you reunited w/ your ex --- or with someone else who loves and appreciates you. Because by Letting Go W. Love --- you have re-opened your heart to its potential. I am glad you found peace.

[Tired Tiger]

My question is Can I still pass by at her house to see her parents but not her and still bring them something for christmas and greet them for the holidays. I know my relationship with their daughter has ended, but my friendship with them didn't end yet. So what are your thoughts about this? Thanks

 

I can understand the tradition of this, and the extended connections that grew as a result of the relationship, but I'm very hesitant to think this would be a good idea. If you're completely honest with yourself, you'll accept that a portion of your motivation for wanting to do this is connected to her - maintaining the ties that bind. That will, in fact, delay the inevitable letting go. At the very most, a polite reply would be appropriate should they send greetings your way, but I wouldn't initiate anything.

 

Regardless, it is six months post-BU and I'm at a similar place to other posters on ENA who separated from their exes at about the same time as me. I feel that indifference is just around the corner; indifference that will soon allow me to reach out to her as an old friend without expectations; indifference, indeed, to determine whether or not I really want her as a friend (for the pedestal I had her on has since crumbled to dust.

 

Dave, you've got the right mindset, awareness, and attitude overall, BUT - this thought I quoted indicates that you're leaving yourself a loophole to stay attached in one form or another. You may be 6 months post-break up, but only a month since beginning the detachment process. You can't really predict something like true indifference, and the idea of being "friends"? No. Your connection to her wasn't - and isn't - about "friendship". It doesn't work that way. Letting go doesn't include ANY sort of plans and thoughts of 'touching base' and 'friends', and if there's the possibility of a reconciliation at some point, it won't be the result of anything like this.

 

Keep moving forward. You'll know what I'm talking about when you get there.

[Nick Lansing]

You didn't ask me, but I would NOT do this. It's a nice sentiment, but I think that's crossing a boundary you shouldn't now that you're split. It would come accross as pretty pathetic, IMO.

[SmilingKatty]

Popoloids: I would go and say last good bye to them. Without gifts...

 

--------------------------------------------------------

Anyone could cheer me up a bit?: Me and my BF (short term relationship) more or less mutually broke up (I was not content with his behaviour and he refused to compromise saying the break up would be better for now, but he may come back for me sometimes in the future).

 

I refused this, because it would made me wait for him indefinitelly. And him knowing I am wating somewhere would definitelly not help his decision making. I would be the one waiting, the one down.

 

But now I feel, that I have destroyed any chance for reconciliation. What do you think? Was it right decision?

 

Or will this "better balance" make my try to get in touch again easier and less needy? (Of course, I am still waiting for him, unfortunately... )

 

I am working on letting the old relationship go, but I cannot let go of him yet.

 

Ironically my previous post here on the forum is about how to have a courage to do the breaking up myself...

[doiiiieeezie]

super bump

[loulou37]

haha i was gonna give this a bump up myself!!

 

I love this thread, i've read it soo many times.....

 

defo a good read on a sunday

 

loulou x

[Popoloids]

another bump!

[tomato]

how do you validate and mirror?

[kuteknish]

how do you validate and mirror?

 

google Al turtle Relationship

[loulou37]

Love this thread, just had a crap day at work and reading that has given me back some strength..

 

Wise words

 

loulou x

[CMS]

how do you validate and mirror?

 

Or Harville Hendrix, "getting the love you want" or "keeping the love you find"

[Tired Tiger]

A bump for the newbies...

[Zain]

bump! a must read for those who haven't lost hope.

[Love1336]

"It's now my belief that if your partner leaves it means you are missing something important AND they are missing the ability to deal with it"

 

So true... my ex couldn't handle my emotions.

And I couldn't handle his LACK of emotions.

Blah...

[italiannmf24]

Annnnnnnd bump.

[maron]

i do need to review me some al turtle (and Tired Tiger and jasper and Brownstone22 haha!)

[italiannmf24]

i do need to review me some al turtle (and Tired Tiger and jasper and Brownstone22 haha!)

 

Go through the earlier stages of this thread.

 

Tired Tiger extends on what jasper says and makes some good points along the way.

[AlTurtle]

And both are critical to getting and keeping a partner. The way I see it is that the skills of Mirroring and the skills of Validating teach you how to go about "making your partner feel not lonely in your presence." These two are front line skills. Al

[BlackJackLee]

Wow. Talk about words of encouragement I really needed today. I'm better off than I was 2 months ago, but I still need these words every day it seems. Would you be up for talking one on one about my situation?

[brown shoes]

 

Breaking up and moving on is the norm. I encourage you to go beyond the norm, even if it may seem at the moment that the choice isn't yours.

 

I believe it is.

 

bump for the wisdom warriors.

[brown shoes]

This is excellent advice to anyone suffering at the moment. I've experienced both when splitting from the same person [twice]. First time we split I pushed and pushed [had no insight or maturity to do anything else at the time] and she was adamant we'd never get back together. Skip ahead six months and and soon as I stopped pushing/pursuing she turned round full circle and came over, citing that when she saw me that day she just knew in her gut that we should be together.

 

I didn't have a clue what was going on at the time, I was just glad to have her back

 

This time since we've split [four months] I've not pushed at all. No pleading, no texts, no letters. We've kept in touch, if and when it happens and with very little initiation from me. We've hooked up a few times. First few were just white elephant dates, nothing heavy just catching up and creating a relaxing, non-threatening environment for us to be together. I'd consciously lost [or stowed away] my impatience and need to 'have her back' and let go of any expectation without losing the internal hope that this split is part of a larger process that could have a positive outcome. As a result we've also been able to meet up on a less casual basis ie. been able to talk openly about things without scaring each other or creating an unpleasant atmosphere. It's got to the point where we've spent such fine times together that we've almost got caught in the moment and re-connected. But the strange thing is I wasn't ready [even tho I want her back!] because I'm aware that more time needs to pass [for both me and her] so that real change/awareness can occur, so any possible reconciliation is based on moving forward, not back.

 

In fact, by stepping back from the situation after the split many positive things have happened as a result, here's a few -

 

. I haven't pushed her into a corner and made her defend/cement her decision.

. I've kept some self-respect by not letting her see how much I've allowed myself to be hurt by the split [i'd hate any decision by her to be made out of pity].

. I've turned the focus onto the one thing I can control, which is me and how I can learn from this situation so it doesn't happen again, with her or another partner.

. I've learned more about myself [and r/s dynamics] in four months than I could have imagined, this wouldn't have happened whilst still together and struggling in an unhealthy dynamic.

. I've had a chance to evaluate the r/s and it's feasibility without basing decisions on feelings of loss, devalue, loneliness etc

 

There's loads more but I'm new to this site and don't want to walk straight in and start rambling.

 

Hello btw

[tufa4311]

Jasper, not sure what to say - your comments have connected with me so deeply I feel, I feel changed. I know this is not usually done, but it is that important, is there anyway you would consider conversing with me via email? I need some guidance and for some reason you have connected with me more than any counselor I've gone to see. Think about it: email removed

[Sapientia]

Good thread. Wisdom much in here there is.