It can happen if you really get your act together

[delicous]

Im scared if I stand up to him, ill lose him forever because I was never important enough to him? And to add on to that, I feel like we never really developed a close friendship because I was never condifant enough to.... But being away from him, dating other ppl and just getting my life somewhat more normal and stable, I want to have that with him now? Does that make any sourt of since? Like I want to see if we click in more than one way, if you know what I mean?

[wolflovesmoon]

Relationships fails when we get to the comfort zone and we stop or slow our pace at doing what we did first, of course there is other factors that plays a huge role in this, if we just keep doing what we did when we started pursing the other, when we first meet them, dates, calls, text,, romantic dinners, long talk, etc, (of course attraction is the key to it all) things will always be the same, as good as it once were, relationships are like roses, they need to be taken care of , watered and feed, or else they will etiolate, we need to feel loved, respected, appreciated and wanted in a relationship, when married we need financial security, we need more commitment and more of everything poured into the relationship, but once we stop giving our partner any of what stated before, they may try and be patient, then they decide to walk away, cheat or break up or stay and be unhappy when kids are involved.

I have lost my girlfriend once, but i didn`t give up, i read and listened to advice from people on this forum, jasper him self was a great help, after a month she come back, we are married now, not perfect but we are working on this little by little, NC is a form of healing, concentrating on oneself, learning more about the whole situation and what went wrong, its not just to plant the fear of losing you in the other, NC gives you the chance to look at things clearly, understand, validate and mirror, ask questions and find answers, but it does work, when there is so much negative emotions, anger, sadness, pain, we tend not to think as good as when we are calm.

every situation is different, the circumstances are different. people are different, but we all want the same thing, a partner to love and share life with us. so if that person is meant to be with you, they will, just don`t sit and wait, make some effort, do just like Jasper said, go beyond the norm, challenge your self and others, and you will success.

[calichick007]

Im scared if I stand up to him, ill lose him forever because I was never important enough to him? And to add on to that, I feel like we never really developed a close friendship because I was never condifant enough to.... But being away from him, dating other ppl and just getting my life somewhat more normal and stable, I want to have that with him now? Does that make any sourt of since? Like I want to see if we click in more than one way, if you know what I mean?

 

None of that will mean anything because I know, you know, anybody who has followed your threads knows, and HE knows - that you will not really be dating other people and getting your life together. You will be going through the motions and hoping/praying/begging for him to finally leave the other girl alone and make you his second choice. That is your habit, your pattern, and all you know how to do. He is your life.

 

You already know you aren't important to him and that he has chosen someone else. You know he doesn't care much about your feelings. You know he treats you badly. But you don't care, because you don't respect yourself. Nothing anybody here says makes any difference, so I wish you well with this. I think - KNOW, really - that you will look back on this period of your life in another 5-10 years and kick yourself for all of the years you wasted on someone who doesn't even pretend to give a flip about you.

[delicous]

Thats incorrect, I do respect myself and you don't know me personally so you can't really say that about me or label me as someone who "doesn't care." People fail, they make mistakes, they make wrong choices, it's a a part of growing up. He isn't as mature as I thought he was the first time around and he has got himself in a situation where he feels stuck with her. I don't believe he is trying to sleep with me, he cares, and you have no idea how much he does for me and has done for me in the past. He's just stuck at this point and the way I see it, I have 2 choices, 1 be unhappy and let him go completely without a second thought in my mind, after all...he made his decision right? Or 2. I can do what I said i'd do which is keep him in my life, even if it means risking getting hurt, id rather him be in life rather than never had known.

 

Calichick, we never really got to know eachother on any deeper level than just physical. We are connected physically as well as handle a lot of situations idenically. We cope in similar ways, think in similar ways and I really think if we can actually build a comfortable friendship and I DON'T agree to sleep with him, then we might have a fighting chance of growing. If we don't grow, like i said to him through email, ill walk and never look back, but i'd rather find it out before giving up entirely.

 

Theres something I didn't share through my thread, but it's part of the reason I believe he really is feeling stuck.

 

 

I can be completely wrong, but you just cannot simply put a label on me like "I don't care about myself." That is a bunch of nonesense, i do care about myself...Ive grown a lot sense him and I stopped seeing each other and Im not gonna say I changed, but I understand how to handle things better especially conflicts, just like the one you and I seem to be having which is you thinking I dont care about myself. But yeah, Im just saying I'd like to at least give the friendship a chance. If he tells me, he just wants to be friends, I believe it.

 

 

Can't even begin to put it into words what it means for him and I to have another chance. It's not up for a huge discussion. I never stopped caring about me and I never stopped caring about him. Sorry for the mis spellings.

 

Wolflovesmoon: s

o if that person is meant to be with you, they will, just don`t sit and wait, make some effort, do just like Jasper said, go beyond the norm, challenge your self and others, and you will success.

 

I like that positivity and it's definetly correct what you are saying, if him and I do have a fighting chance at all, thats what BOTH of us will have to do.

[Romanticism]

I have a question for those who still visit this thread.

 

We broke up because of the impending distance between us (she was moving back home). But that wasn't the main reason...the real reason was communication problems on both side, she definitely was the brunt of it though. I wanted to talk about her moving away so we could work past it and she kept pushing it back...I always felt like she was one to not want to face her problems, she thinks that they just go away without working for it. We are young, in our 20's and we still have much more life to live so we both can be immature.

 

We went in and out of LC/NC for many reasons. We were both overly jealous of each others lives at times, we were friendly at times, we were fighting at times, and just a mixture of stuff. At one point I felt like I was forcing conversation too much so I stopped talking to her. I took this two week period (no contact at all) to really think about my life and what I needed to improve for myself. I applied to a bunch of jobs, got a bunch of interviews, and really reconnected with lost friends.

 

I contacted her two days before her birthday because I had bought her a gift. I sent her a message because after buying the gift through her amazon (she always let me use it) she changed the password so I couldn't track the package. It wasn't a big gift or anything, I just sent the gift for myself really. I felt better after sending the gift, and I could of cared less what she felt about it at the time.

 

She ended up telling me "I don't feel like talking to you right now. I guess this is my me time. I appreciate the gift, that was very thoughtful of you.". I didn't really know how to take it and that's what I am curious about. It's been 3 months since the break up and this is the first time she told me something like this. Does this mean she is actually taking time to grow and learn from the situation? Is she merely trying to hide from her problems she needs to face? Or did she just mean her birthday specifically?

 

I won't dare send her a message...I just feel pathetic if I do. I have read what a lot of people say on ENA and it usually ends up being "throw ego out the window". I guess it is my ego and all. But she did say she didn't want to talk to me and I feel like I have to respect that. She didn't say how long, I guess they never do. But I guess I should just continue to focus on myself right?

 

I just get this horrible feeling sometimes...Like she's trying to erase me from her mind...She showed in our relationship that she would not face her problems head on a lot and I feel like this could be on of those situations...But I also have a history of being jaded towards women (because of my childhood).

 

What do you guys/gals think? Am I overthinking the situation? Is it really as simple as not contacting her and not thinking about her?

[Aqua066]

Romanticism - I think you need to let a sleeping dog lie. If she says she doesn't feel like talking then leave her alone. There is really nothing else you can do! Any more communication from you is just going to look needy and push her away even more. You need to drop off the face of the earth right now in her perspective. She won't want you back until she thinks you don't want her anymore. That's just how it works.

 

Just focus on you right now. Keep going out with friends, work out, etc. Stay strong and don't break contact for any reasons... and no more notes, gifts or trying to find out about her. It sucks but with time you'll feel better every day.

 

Good luck my friend.

[StarMeKitten]

Delicious, I dont think you should be offended by Calichick's reply. Yes, she was using a label, but if you read around this forum you would understand why. We are all human, and we seem to react in the same way to certain events, like breaking up. It is during our most painful times that we sometimes have trouble seeing things objectively, and one of the reasons this forum is such a great help to so many is that you are surrounded by people who have either been there before or are there now, and sometimes, if you pay attention, someone will be kind enough to point out the truth. In this case, that truth is that you are making decisions out of weakness, that you are letting your happiness be defined by this one person, and this will all lead to more misery.

 

Take your time to grieve, and then to heal and grow. Read the first 20 or so pages of this thread. Then read them again, until you see yourself in them.

I was in a very similar position as you are now, and this thread is what really started my healing process.

[delicous]

@ Starmekitten : I wasn't offended, explained it tho that I am scarred. Thank you , and no I won't be spending that much time looking at the computer screen, off of enotalone, i have a pretty productive and busy life.

[Romanticism]

Romanticism - I think you need to let a sleeping dog lie. If she says she doesn't feel like talking then leave her alone. There is really nothing else you can do! Any more communication from you is just going to look needy and push her away even more. You need to drop off the face of the earth right now in her perspective. She won't want you back until she thinks you don't want her anymore. That's just how it works.

 

Just focus on you right now. Keep going out with friends, work out, etc. Stay strong and don't break contact for any reasons... and no more notes, gifts or trying to find out about her. It sucks but with time you'll feel better every day.

 

Good luck my friend.

 

Thank you for your advice, and you are probably right. I need to worry about myself, even if I care about her I have to realize it doesn't help me or her by initiating some sort of contact.

[sadsun]

This is by far the most insightful and helpful post I have seen

[delicous]

I just havnt given up hope and the moment I started to, I still emailed him and hoped for his return, yet stopped hoping after a while and then BAM, he calls me and we meet back up and it's like a scratched off a closed scab....It's painful just like before and my thoughts are never ending...Like I am hoping we can make it last, but I am the ONLY one hoping so. It's foolish and I know this and wreckless! I just can't help what my heart wants, I honestly can't and if I could I would.....I don't like hurting like this tho. I stopped dreaming as much about him but now it's all back again...and stronger than ever.

[Kimcwell]

This is by far the most insightful and helpful post I have seen

 

I agree. I wish I would have seen it three months ago, because I completely agree and did just the opposite. I wish Jasper was around to tell me how to do it now, when my ex and I don't even talk anymore.

[matti]

I've been reading this entire thread over the course of a week or so, in my free time. I just wanted to say that this is a very motivational, uplifting thread and it appears that every-time I visit, it puts me in a much better mood all around. It serves as a reminder that I'm on a mission, that I have several goals that I've set for myself and ultimately, leaves me with a more optimistic outlook on life and the future altogether, rather than the pessimistic, depressing, cynical mood I tend to slip into once in a while, when I get a little too caught up in the life's hardships.

 

Sometimes we need these little reassurances here and there. This is the type of material that we definitely need more of around these forums. I've noticed that sometimes when I spend to much time surfing the ENA forums, it only seems to amplify my depression, hopelessness and self-pity. Therefore, I find that I have to take breaks from the site to assist my healing (As I believe someone else metioned a few pages back in this very thread). But, the majority of the posts in this thread did exactly the opposite, which is a nice little vacation from the usual. No offense to anyone in an emotional funk or having problems with life. I'm there too. It's just the atmosphere that you end up lingering around in when you read post after post pertaining to breakups, divorces, un-requited love and indifference.

 

I'll be sure to read this thread again a few times in the near future and perhaps I'll post my two cents here and there, when I can. Thanks to the major contributors!

[wowor]

+1 to the magnitude of this post

 

Life is all about growing. And however painful a breakup may be, it's very important to recognize ways future personal growth can be accomplished. After the immediate pain and shock wears off, it can be a very exciting and liberating journey. I am on it right now, and am eager to see the future unfold.

 

I second jasper's recommendation on going beyond the norm. Push the limits!

[delicous]

For me its not that I don't know HOW to let him go, it's that my energy is all focused on him, if that makes since? I need to figure out and come up with a way to spread my energy out in a more free way instead of focusing so much of it on hopes that he will return in another sourta way that makes me want to stay and hopes that he will as well....It's exhausting counting the days he may or MAY NOT contact me... So exhausting, I have become exhausted to the point where my energy doesn't want to go elsewhere.. So I gotta come up with a way to spread it ot evenly with other things and loves in my life. He certaintly isn't the only thing Im tryin to focus on, just happens to be a HUGE chunk of it.

[figmentations]

Been reading through this post, haven't finished all of it but I really do recommend it.

[learning2relax]

For me its not that I don't know HOW to let him go, it's that my energy is all focused on him, if that makes since? I need to figure out and come up with a way to spread my energy out in a more free way instead of focusing so much of it on hopes that he will return in another sourta way that makes me want to stay and hopes that he will as well....It's exhausting counting the days he may or MAY NOT contact me... So exhausting, I have become exhausted to the point where my energy doesn't want to go elsewhere.. So I gotta come up with a way to spread it ot evenly with other things and loves in my life. He certaintly isn't the only thing Im tryin to focus on, just happens to be a HUGE chunk of it.

 

Yes, in the beginning - it is overwhelming how much they occupy your thoughts. But if you keep working to put your energy and focus on yourself, eventually you will focus on him less and less until the obsessive thoughts fade away. If you allow your energy and focus to stay on him, it just takes longer for you to feel better and you stay overwhelmed. That has been what I have experienced with relationships ending when I was on the receiving end.

[wmpqx]

I have read almost whole thread and I cannot recommend it enough!

 

I myself had found out similar concepts by myself before I read all this material and it only reinforced me to keep working on it.

[stephanie79]

I agree with this, my relationship is on a thread. I got needy, he pushed me away, we are long distance and it's hard and tough but we both spent the past month focusing on what we needed to do which was our careers, we are both involved in the creatives which if you are too you will know it is a lot of hard work to progress as an artist/designer/PR/blogger etc. we have spoken every day since we have split up but I've been conscious of the fact that it's only an hour or so in the morning before he goes to work or before I start my working day.

 

I TRULY believe if you feel that this person is right for you, you must firstly...

 

- let the past go, LET IT GO *****ES, it has happened sitting there thinking how great that night was when you went here or there together, or how great it was when you first met etc etc. it's gone, it was beautiful but that is not now

- dropping ego - yes, you have been hurt, they have been hurt, you have cried, they have probably cried so it's normal for your barriers to go back up - DONT obviously take into consideration that your not going to start sending messages of 'I can't wait to make out with you tonight' along to them but keep communication open, ensure you keep supporting what they are doing and just go with the flow...

- attachment, probably my biggest 'mistake' I got needy, i clinged, i WAITED for him to finish work, like I literally didn't really do much with my friends so that I could speak to him...Drop it, see your girls, see your boys, take that hour long bath for yourself, take that walk with your dog and family...don't stop living your life.

- expectation - just in general, just don't expect it to be all flowers and roses and wild times when you chat around...

 

I mean, for me mine is prob still there about 60/70% there are some niggles to iron out...but I suggest if they are adement that it's over then a 'hey, how are things?' would be nice, always tell the truth, if you feel crap tell them. With mine I said 'it hurts but it's okay, we will take something from this and it's hard because all i want to do is cuddle and talk to you but nevermind haha!' obv don't LOLing your way into a conversation but kinda make light of it...if there's anything I've learnt from breaks up just don't do the I NEED YOU I MISS YOU I LOVE YOU I'M GONNA DIE WITHOUT YOU if you're planning on getting them back

[Jimbly]

This is the only thread I have bookmarked on ENA! When I have one of those now thankfully rare bad days, like today, I read it the whole way through. Can't recommend reading this highly enough.

[Dat]

Bumping, so people can see this. This thread has a lot of great insight. If it doesn't get your ex back, it's going to get YOU back!!

[elsenyor]

Bumping, so people can see this. This thread has a lot of great insight. If it doesn't get your ex back, it's going to get YOU back!!

 

Well said, I'm bumping again since It's falling on to page 2, I'm around page 35 and this thread keeps me sane, really worth the read and taking days to really grasp and understand what is being discussed.

 

There's nothing like a kids movie to give an inspirational quote:

"Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That is why it is called the 'present.'"

(i saw it in Kung Fu Panda, don't know who the original quote comes from though)

 

certainly has truth to it.

[Ifionly]

Just finished this thread. WOW! I will cherish the wisdom within this discussion for the rest of my life. Thanks to all for the insight.

Much love.

[sophi3]

bumping this thread

[Moe96]

bump for all new ENA users to see! this thread was a great read.