It can happen if you really get your act together

[jphcbpa]

NC doesn't have to be how you go about things either, just use little contact instead. Firstly, you need to address what has changed & what needs to be changed & then begin to work on it. It wont be easy but it will never work if you don't.

 

imo, NC has given me the space to clear my head, process, learn, grown, look at my part, accept was is, let go of what was and have faith in what will be. I was too emotional to engage in LC or Contact. Just now, 8 weeks post BU and 8 weeks of NC, I am beginning to see that I can still love her and not be with her. That I do not have to beat myself up for still loving her. That I do not have to hurry up and "get over her/us". That I can just be with what is and be okay with it. That I can forgive and wish her the happiness and best for her.

[iamtheprize]

bumping this thread..as I've found it particularly helpful / insightful.

[Navi]

Absolutely brilliant thread. It really turned my perception of healing on its head. Theres a lot to learn here for everyone. I can't wait to add my own insight

[Zard0z]

Useful information here and I think you really need to read it from the start if you want to get the full benefit. I don't know if the "getting back together through self-improvement" applies to my situation. Since it seems to work mostly for longer-term and relationships where both parties are older. Me and my ex are in our late 20s and we were in RS for just over a year (ended in mid-Sept).

 

But regardless, the first step is to let go. And I think you can't really do that until you go NC. Hopefully out of your own free will (unlike me initially

 

My ex and I got our wires crossed a bit after our breakup. She said and did some things that led me to thinking she was open to reconciliation; I pushed, and she pulled away. All that is irrelevant now since we've gone NC both of us having entered new relationships. And either way, getting back together would have been way too premature anyway since, I had examined my past behavior enough.

 

I know I did things wrong in the relationship, we both did of course. But when we broke up she accepted all the responsibility, and when I apologized for some of my flaws and occasionally being insensitive, she said they weren't a problem in our relationship, just annoyances. So I think for awhile it kinda just put me in a victim mentality and that there was nothing I could change about myself that was worthwhile to change.

 

That's obviously not the case. And regardless of whether or not she thought they were big issues, I need to work on them. I have a tendency to shoot things down with negativity if they don't live up to a certain intellectual or aesthetic standard I have in mind. I tend to be very judgmental, and sometimes even controlling. I was worried about her weight and not exercising, so I pressured her too much to eat less and exercise more. She eventually started to do it on her own (after I stopped nagging and told her 'I need to get over this'). And surprise! She broke up with me about a month after that

 

I think there was also a bit of her wondering if I'd always be there for her (she had attachment tendencies early on in the relationship, but that improved after she found validation in her new job). I was am on a work visa in her country and had yet to make any long term plans for staying here. The good news is I feel positive about my prospects to enter grad school here, and I'm working toward that goal every day, for myself (I don't wanna be teaching English to Korean kindergartners forever)

 

I'm going to Vietnam with coworkers for winter break. I've been going to the gym and am probably in the best shape in my life. I'm getting more-and-more comfortable conversing in Korean. With my peers, I'm trying to maintain my confidence but in a more positive and less critical way than before, and I think its opening up doors for me. A lot of my hangups are disappearing, I avoid things less than before. Everything seems to be falling into place.

 

But just because its falling into place doesn't mean she'll want to come back. She probably won't actually, and each day I'm getting a little but more comfortable with that prospect.

 

Christmas is coming up, and even though I want to wish her the best, I won't. Because it won't be respecting her wishes. She knows I'm still open to her anyway, so I have nothing to fear from maintaining no contact.

[mhowe]

Bumping thread for the New Year.

 

I found this thread, read from beginning to end, to be particularly helpful when I began my reconciliation.

[starsanstripes]

This Thread is a real game changer.

 

About 3 months ago, I went through a tough breakup with a gal I was dating for 4 years. We went through a lot together during those four years, both in our late teens when we started. After falling for each other in HS, circumstances made us go through long distance for 1.5 years. Which was tough, but eventually we ended up in college together to begin a new chapter. This chapter had it's ups and downs as we were both growing up and trying to find ourselves. Towards the end of the relationship, we had grown apart and began to resent each other, I had lost the good person I truly was, and she knew that. After multiple fights she finally left me, which at first I was in a lot of pain and regret. The coulda shouldas poured in. I turned to this site for comfort like all of you. It turned things around, especially this thread.

That being said, both of us wanted a healthier relationship, and to her time apart and distance was the answer. I was not a fan of this idea, but sometimes it is for the best. During this time I was tempted to beg and plead my case, but I held strong. Went LC for awhile, the first month. I was able to pick myself up, do what makes me happy, and hang out with old friends that made me feel like myself again. It takes a lot of hard work and lonely nights, but It is worth the pain. The world of unknown is scary, but it is a place where you can look yourself in the mirror and make changes that need to be made, not for her, but for yourself.

Listen to this thread, and focus on yourself and fix the bad habits that ruined the relationship you were in. Work hard, stay positive and surround yourself with good people. Read books about life. Get your mind in a good place before making any sort of reconciliation.

There is no real strategy for getting back together besides getting yourself together and preparing for a new relationship, whether it is with the former person or someone new.

This thread points out really good things, like mirroring and validation, which is super crucial.

 

after about 3.5 months of LC, we finally met up for dinner. Went in with no expectations. We ended up having a deep conversation and we both saw and could feel the changes were made, but had a ways to go. After confused feelings, we went LC for a few weeks to keep working on ourselves. We both had seen other people, but nothing serious.

about a week later we decided we were ready to try it again.

And now things are going really well, the changes have made a significant impact on the relationship, and we are starting our new chapter of growing together, and we could not be happier. Mirroring her and seeking validation was crucial during the reconnecting phase, you cant move too fast or old habits will jump out to soon. Let things happen, let love find its way.

So for all you out there, it is possible, but you have to put the work in. Don't hope, but have faith. Hope walks through the fire and faith leaps over it. Life gives you two options, live with love or with fear, choose love and don't let fear get in the way. Believe in yourself, have faith and keep your head down but your eyes up.

[Navi]

@starsanstripes, wow beautiful words of advice. Your situation sounds like mine

[palmer14]

Just read through this whole thread today after it got bumped. All of it makes sense and gives me a little bit of hope for the future and more ambition to better myself. I think letting go of her is really the best thing, I feel like I am really in control of my life for the first time in awhile. Even though I would rather be with her right now, this thread has made the reasons we broke up a little more clear, and I know what I can do to work on myself and let her go in the meantime.

[swollpatrol]

I don't understand the praise this thread has received? The OP didn't stay with his ex.

[jphcbpa]

Originally Posted by Tired Tiger (page 10)

 

On the surface, it would be easy to say that the measure of 'success' in all of this is the ability to say, "we're back together"! That's really just the tip of the iceberg, at best. The real success lies in the personal accomplishments regarding introspect and self awareness. Without that, all hope will be a false premise anyway.

[geebee]

Bumping this post because it got brought up to me, and has helped a lot. It's basically what I've been thinking and the theories discussed by mainly jasper and Tired Tiger are what I've read about and agree with, so yeah! A bump for the good read The general positivity in this thread is much needed as well!

[SportsGuru38]

Just finished reading all 52 pages of this thread. Definitely some good posts in here! I'm 2.5 months into my BU and it's been pretty tough. I've come a long way though and now starting to understand where it all went down hill. My ex and I have actually met up twice since the BU. All went extremely well but made me even more confused as she says it's too soon to consider reconciliation and she doesn't want to be with anyone right now. We were together for 5 years and each others first true loves.

 

I would appreciate more tips on reconciling after you have focused on yourself... I know not to push her but after having two successful evenings out.. Where do I go from here? Haven't talked to her since last week when we went out. She's not one to set up dates and relies on me to intiate and set something up.

[imagitized]

This thread is so helpful. I'm about 5 months into my breakup and I've been coming back to this thread a lot... I haven't seen my ex since the breakup and haven't talked to him for about 3.5 months now... I've been trying to just focus on myself and hoping he will reach out (he broke up with me) but he hasn't...I still hope we can reconcile maybe with more time...

[Wolfshook]

Honestly this helped me a lot,but to realize it's much easier just to go on with your life and build your happyness with somebody else.

[almostvictoria]

A beautiful thread, full of very helpful reminders. I'm admittedly no where close in my personal journey to no longer thinking of us (in any context, be it friendship, reconciliation, etc.), but it is really good to see a thread that conscientiously rejects negativity, promotes thoughtfulness and awareness. Someone, at some point, said they preferred to purge negative vocabulary, to approach things with love, honesty, compassion, and patience. To acknowledge that right now, I am suffering (I am grieving, mourning, and go through waves and wave of agony) and that is okay. It is okay for me to be suffering - I am, after all, now dealing with the aftermath of a loss. Acknowledgement, although I do not like it. Acceptance that I will be okay, because I can see my reality, my truth, and keep living it, day by day.

 

It's so hard. There's anger and resentment and attachment. I acknowledge that. I must try my best to look at my anger and resentment with compassion, experience them, respect them, and not repress them or let them fester.

 

In the end, I want a "me" that can look beyond all of that, that can breathe past all of that, and experience a more sincere and deep degree of understanding and love.

[Pointbreak]

Jasper I am with you 100.1%

[MUrmillo]

BUMP!

 

Are there more topics like this? I am bit over the standard 'just go NC topics' and love to read the topic of break ups and getting back together from a more intellectual, spiritual level instead of the black and white, resentment-driven tone it has in so many topics here.

[AvaD21]

I haven't read through the whole thread but I hadn't seen many posts about the ex having started up with someone else. I can't let myself feel down about it though, he waited the best part of 10 months for me to get it together

[SparklyBoots]

This is a great thread BUT....the ex I first came here for and who strung me along for two years has now tried to come back into my life after

many years of me ignoring him completely...I spent two years before that in LC with him (distraught, ignoring advice here and stupidly hooking up and trying to be friends...wut???? so, SO silly) - and hurting myself massively in the process....it would seem he is a bit bored with his gf after me who he is now living with *sighs* - and now thinks I am the best thing he ever had....what I would have given for any crumbs from him at one stage but now, no thanks, when I' m now totally together, neutral to his overtures...

 

I am now totally independant and have also got my BIG ex after him interested again...HOW???? Just by getting on with my own life, not playing games and being myself....yes it can happen when you get your act together but it doesn't always mean it will or that you will want it if it does....btw I have been in contact with last ex off and on for three years....in this time I have been intentionally single and also gone through periods of dating others... we have had limited views into each others lives....and have always been respectful to each other...now I am happy just to be friends but if anything else happens then fine....no heartbreak if it doesn't as completely chilled with life as it is...I think it really helps to get to this place before any reconciliation can happen....and often it really really doesn't happen overnight or with any game plan...things just unfulrl at their own pace.

 

Get yourself together, get on with your own life, don't worry about anyone else and life will fall into place naturally x

[Pointbreak]

By far the best thread yet! Superbump

[jstudio]

BUMP. This is an amazing thread, and one I really needed to read right now. Thank you all for your insight. If you have read my other posts, you will see that I am having a lot of highs and lows currently. After a four year relationship that ended in a very intense and sad way, I guess it is all very normal for the ups and downs. One thing my ex mentioned is focusing on bettering myself, and further down the line, we would take it from there. I also know he needs the space to improve himself. I still love him, and I think the breakup made me realize just how much I took him for granted. Neither of us was perfect, though. No one is.

My question is... now that I have spent time creating space, improving myself (getting a great new job, taking care of my health, with no contact, I feel compelled to write him an e-mail and let him know all of these things that I have done to better myself. I know not everything can change overnight or in the few months we have been broken up. I just want him to know these things. I am afraid, though, that because I still love him and want to reconcile someday, that it may come across as needy or disingenuous. I want him to be proud of me, and I want him to know I started to take these steps. I've since moved from California (where we lived together) to Arizona... it would be hard for him to be aware of all these changes. Any insight would be greatly appreciated.

[vesper]

BUMP. This is an amazing thread, and one I really needed to read right now. Thank you all for your insight. If you have read my other posts, you will see that I am having a lot of highs and lows currently. After a four year relationship that ended in a very intense and sad way, I guess it is all very normal for the ups and downs. One thing my ex mentioned is focusing on bettering myself, and further down the line, we would take it from there. I also know he needs the space to improve himself. I still love him, and I think the breakup made me realize just how much I took him for granted. Neither of us was perfect, though. No one is.

My question is... now that I have spent time creating space, improving myself (getting a great new job, taking care of my health, with no contact, I feel compelled to write him an e-mail and let him know all of these things that I have done to better myself. I know not everything can change overnight or in the few months we have been broken up. I just want him to know these things. I am afraid, though, that because I still love him and want to reconcile someday, that it may come across as needy or disingenuous. I want him to be proud of me, and I want him to know I started to take these steps. I've since moved from California (where we lived together) to Arizona... it would be hard for him to be aware of all these changes. Any insight would be greatly appreciated.

 

You don't need to tell him anything!

[KMO7970]

Keep doing what you're doing! As vesper said, no need to tell him anything. This is for you, not him. If he's curious enough about you down the line, he will reach out to you.

[foofightingguy]

Reading this thread again for the second time, I needed it because I broke contact with a drunk dial and text.

 

BUMP.

[Miastar]

Worth bumping this I think