It can happen if you really get your act together

[wolflovesmoon]

after some LC for few days,, i asked if we can grab some coffee-Java Chips-( her fav drink) since i was around where she live for a job interview, she said she does`nt know, she is still her and promised i wont like to see her now she is bitter.. which i replayed to by saying i understand and i am sorry she is still hurt. and that i understand if she needs more time and space.. i have patient ,, plenty of it but i just miss her. and i may be laying to my self but deep down i have those feelings she still have feelings for me,, she just so scared maybe and afraid to take me back,, any thoughts, anyone been in the same situation?

[CMS]

Dude you cant even go 2 weeks without contacting her, so yeah more time is definitely needed

[Angler]

BUMP.

 

This thread has been very helpful to me, and it doesn't deserve to be on Page 7.

[MarnDark]

That my partner left, I came to understand, meant I didn't have it together yet. Didn't matter that she didn't either. For a good long time, I believed that she had control over the situation because she was the one willing to walk away. But now I've seen different. She wanted that great relationship just as much as I did. Walking away was simply her best solution at the time for getting it. When I was finally able to validate her reality, that was what turned it around. And it didn't happen all at once. But I do see looking back that there was no other way for either of us once I changed.

 

Wow. This is so powerful. My ex had constantly told me while we were breaking up that by doing this she was giving a chance for both of us to grow. I didn't understand it, in many ways I still don't understand it, but I am starting to learn. She quickly jumped to another man, but for her she told me that it just felt right for her to do. For her, she knew that she needed to grow by either being alone or with someone else. She chose the latter. She told me that she couldn't marry me. Not without growing.

 

I wish I could tell you word for word the last letter she wrote me. It tells so much about her understanding of why we needed to break up. For our personal growth and maturity, and how it is needed for us to potentially be a better "us" someday. It really is such an incredibly beautiful letter, but I am in no state to read it again. I don't I will be able to until I have truly let her go.

 

I am coming to understand the selfishness of me wanting her to stay with me forever and the borderline controlling attitude I had during the relationship. I am growing, so is she. We may never get back together, I know that, I do expect to hear from her again someday though. I think her and I both believe that the story of our relationship, whether it is meant to be platonic or romantic, is not yet over.

[Angler]

Bump.

 

This thread deserves to be front page so more people see it.

 

The original post has given me a lot of guidance.

[Angler]

Another well deserved bump from me. I feel like the forum needs a dose of deeper consideration and perspective these days.

 

To those new here, take a read of the very first post. It has helped me a great deal.

 

Thanks to the OP and a handful of other thoughtful posters, this is one of the best threads on here discussing the emotional struggles, personal growth, dynamics, and intricacies of breaking up and reconciling in terms of a mature, serious relationship - no disrespect intended to the younger crowd.

 

I'm in a different place now with my journey. I really don't know where things will end up, but I feel I used the advice in this thread to it's best effect in the weeks and months following the end of my relationship to, at the very least, setup (read: not hinder) the possibility of reconciliation.

 

I've learned there are no quick fixes or magic tricks. Stop looking for an easy out. Nothing meaningful will come quickly. To do this right, we've got to commit ourselves and our time to the process. Hurting, mourning, grieving, accepting, forgiving and most importantly improving ourselves. And, know this isn't a linear process. The last few days I've found myself bumped right back down to the bottom of the ladder.

 

Understand why things failed, and take real steps to address your part (and only your part) in the failure. This is the best possible way to validate your partner. Talk is cheap. Just do it.

 

None of us may ever get that second chance that we're all here seeking - that's the hard reality which I am slowing trying to accept, but the worst disservice we can do to ourselves is to not be ready should it come. We all get comfortable in long term relationships - so be better than the person they left. Become a whole person again - a certain degree of enmeshment and codependency is almost inevitable in a serious long term relationship.

 

If we commit ourselves to the process, and all the bumps and bruises along the way, we can rest assured we've done everything in our power to bring about a successful reconciliation, but remember it's all contingent upon the ex wanting and deciding to come back. Over that, we have no control. But to echo the OP - It can happen if you really, and I mean really get your act together.

 

Cheers,

Angler

[TomboyMS]

Hey Angler! I'm happy to see you are still around.

[Angler]

I'm still here, just not much to report lately - for better or worse.

[flyerfan6656]

[quote=Brownstone322;3435215

Sometimes they leave because you're not the person you once were, or because you're not the person they need you to be, or because you're not contributing to the relationship the way you once did, or because you're not helping to move the relationship forward as you both grow. They want the relationship to improve -- and they want you in it -- but they reach a point where they've given up. They leave out of frustration, hopelessness and hurt. They feel as though they want to be with you, but, at the same time, they can't be with you. its interesting that you said that, because thats how my ex felt when we broke up...

[90_hour_sleep]

^^

 

i suspect that if the reasons do not seem abundantly clear when someone decides to leave...that that's how they all felt. we were too oblivious or wrapped up in our own thoughts and emotions to see it...or acknowledge it. but it was always there. it always makes sense. there's always a good reason. it may not be easy to articulate...but for the person who leaves it makes a world of sense.

[Humbert]

The bits and pieces I've gathered from lurking this thread seem to be insightful, but 40 pages of text is not something I want to sift through. Might a good samaritan point me in the direction of what all this talk of validation, inviting-to-share etc. is all about?

 

Though I will add to the discussion that

 

 

Sometimes they leave because you're not the person you once were, or because you're not the person they need you to be, or because you're not contributing to the relationship the way you once did, or because you're not helping to move the relationship forward as you both grow. They want the relationship to improve -- and they want you in it -- but they reach a point where they've given up. They leave out of frustration, hopelessness and hurt. They feel as though they want to be with you, but, at the same time, they can't be with you.

 

is exactly what my ex told me.

[Cityslick]

The bits and pieces I've gathered from lurking this thread seem to be insightful, but 40 pages of text is not something I want to sift through. Might a good samaritan point me in the direction of what all this talk of validation, inviting-to-share etc. is all about?

 

 

Google Al Turtle.

[jolbell69]

BUMP!!!!!

 

Everyone on this forum should read this thread at least once. It is educational, enlightening and most of all; promotes healing without having to forget about the person you love and want to return. I took 3 hours out of my day yesterday to read it from beginning to end, and I feel much more at peace and content with my situation. I am over 5 month post BU and know that the answers I have been seeking are in this thread.

[dabbledave]

Thank you very much for bumping this thread.

 

This is the first time I've seen it! I can't believe I've never seen it!

 

After skimming the first few pages, I know I will have to read this thread in full and in depth. The discussion is nuanced and thoughtful and delves far deeper than the old NC/no-NC debate. It is refreshing to see a thread here that explores what it really means to not only get your yourself back, but also reveal a wiser, more aware, and much evolved version of yourself.

 

This would have been very helpful to me in the aftermath of my break up a few months ago. During my healing journey so far I have stumbled accross and have flirted with many of the themes discussed within this thread (see my threads), and I have to say that they are so very powerful; particularly those pertaining to Buddhist principles related to emotional attachment; letting go with love; self-reflection; self-forgiveness; and the like.

 

I look forward to the hours of deep reading ahead of me!

 

Cheers

 

DD

[mhowe]

This thread was instrumental in giving me a mindset that I could literally get my mind around in order to deal with my break up. It allowed me to see my ex in a light that I could not find at the time. It changed the thought of NC (which I didn't even know) to Let go with love --- which I did. And I also took the time we were apart (together now 8 months) to heal myself, to grow ---- and to be able to move forward with trust, compassion and patience.

[Humbert]

I decided after all to read through this thread. I haven't finished doing so, but based on what I've read thus far I'd like to reiterate what everyone else has said (that it's been helpful), and to add this food for thought 8212;

 

I agree that it is crucial fully to understand your former partner's viewpoint, and any criticism they might have; but I think it is necessary to take everything with a grain of salt. Not everything someone says, especially with regards to emotional matters, is trustworthy. I've had girls say one night that they hate me, only to profess their undying love the next; I've had people treat me coldly and dismiss me on Tuesday, only to hound me to the point of stalking on Thursday. I'm sure everyone here has had that fight (I've had plenty) in which the other accuses you of one thing, only to dream up an altogether new criticism five minutes later—even if it contradicts the first.

 

A few weeks after our breakup, my ex-girlfriend admitted that she was wrong to be upset with me in the fight that broke us up. Did that make us any less broken up? Alas, were it so easy! This is why reasoning with an ex is always futile; not because they can't be convinced, but because almost as soon as they are swayed in one direction they'll stumble toward another; or because their feelings always leaned in that direction, contrary to whatever their reason might say.

 

The only thing one can do is take what they have to say and use it as a guide to sift through what one knows for oneself to be true. I know, for example, that the vast majority of my ex-girlfriend's complaints about me are false or vastly misunderstood—but that taken as a whole, they point to the deeper problem that underlay the relationship. Understanding, growth etc. are truly an individual's duty: you can't rely on others or their points of view.

[Tired Tiger]

All hail the mighty thread!

 

Let me go all the way back to jasper's opening statement...

 

I began with one level of awareness here and as I came to a new level experienced two things. One was that people seem to be on their own journeys at their own pace. And another was that as I came to a new understanding there was less support here. I think this to be natural now.

 

Indeed, this is very accurate. In fact, it could be argued that valid 'support' related to the realities of reconciliation is somewhat beyond the scope of this (or any similar) forum. Let's be honest here - eNotAlone's Breaking up and Divorce sub-forums could easily be renamed "Misery Loves Company". That's not a criticism, it's a reality. For myself, this thread has offered an alternative to the seemingly inevitable emotional speculation on the subject. Cheers to those who understand and bump this discussion for those who've not yet read it. Your journey has begun.

 

Let me pose a rhetorical question for the struggling...

 

So you've found yourself in this forum, and embroiled in the (seemingly) confusing throngs of advice and opinion mostly from... others in your very shoes. The lexicon includes such gems as, "dumper, dumpee, dumped, gigs, LOA" (the list goes on). There's tricks and stategies and manipulations in abundance. Add to that resentment and emotional retribution.

 

How much of that has ever turned into a healthy and loving renewal?

 

Not one.

 

Compassion. Empathy. Acceptance. Autonomy. Letting go with love. Emotional Maturity.

 

mhowe knows. I know. Everyone else who has reached the destination knows.

 

Read the whole thread.

 

---

 

As a side note, a small caution about the Al Turtle references. His writings are fantastic, and everyone should have a comprehensive knowledge of these things, BUT - the vast majority of it applies to active relationships. Trying to modify these things as a scheme to coax someone back is likely to fail miserably. Read it to understand what went wrong, and how to get it right in the future, but not as a means of coercion.

[Popoloids]

Newbie here! But I already read a lot of threads for the past few weeks.

This is the best thread and positive one I read! Also this is my first post.

I want to write my first post here cause I like the way they answer in this thread.

Full of positivity and hope!

This thread helped me a lot to realize things. Thanks to all those

people kept sharing their helpful and positive experiences.

I got dumped about more than 3 months ago 2.5 years relationship.

I did the classic mistake of begging and asking for one more chance

for about more than a week.

Everytime I contacted her She got really pissed and drifting further away...

She asked me to leave her alone and she wants to move on...

She told me that she's not ready to be friends with me again coz it's

still way too soon...

So I respected and honored her decision. The last time I contacted

her was about 3 weeks after the break up. I sent her an email apologizing, saying

thank you for everything and that I promised her that I'll leave her alone now.

And I told her that this is gonna be the last time that she's gonna hear something

from me unless she's ready to be friends with me again. So it's been more than

2 months now of ZERO communication between us.

 

I just need your opinion... Do you think it's the right thing to do if I send her

a gift/christmas card this coming christmas? or just simply text her a merry christmas? send her an email? What do you think?

or since I'm close to her parents too I'm just gonna address to christmas card/gift whatever

to the whole family?

 

I appreciate your inputs on this. Sorry for hijacking your thread. I just really likes the positivity

of the people here. Thanks!

[utopie]

Thank you Mhowe for the advice you give to people (including myself) and also for sharing your history. I let him go with love, I'll never hate my ex, he knows it, I know it, and 3 months after the BU I already feel like a different person. Respect the other person's decision, turn to yourself and grow as an individual, these are the keys to self-improvement and finding your true nature. I can now almost feel like the break up was a good thing for both us (I'm still occasionally sad about it, have some longing for him from time to time). I am rediscovering myself and I'm finding the need to come here for support less and less necessary but members like you and Tired Tiger make ENa a better place.

[flyerfan6656]

I am rediscovering myself and I'm finding the need to come here for support less and less necessary but members like you and Tired Tiger make ENa a better place.

i believe that is true... if anyone wants to heal, and is serious about it..they have to leave ENa

[Zero71]

This thread is definitely helpful. I've been confused on what I should do in regards with my ex whether to continue to do LC or go NC. We been apart for months and her rebound ended 3 months ago. Letting go with love is something I never really look at and it's a great idea. I'm not the type that likes to feel powerless or give up on something I really want. With this new mind frame, I can switch the focus back on myself without feeling like I'm giving up. I do miss my ex girlfriend a lot, but the last thing I want to do is overstay my welcome and be taken for granted just because I want to get back together.

[Humbert]

Without something coming from her, it seems a little bit, well.... unfair. Unfair that this whole thing of letting go with love is all on me, with her taking any responsibility.

 

I can see that this time round it might be necessary for me to forgive her for having broken my trust, without her even admitting or acknowledging that that's what happened. Which is much harder, and I'm not quite sure how to do it.

 

 

I have yet to finish perusing this thread but I wanted to highlight this point in particular. This is an experience that resonates profoundly in me. It does feel wretchedly unfair—why should I be put through the fire, why should I have to bear the burden alone? In ways I am still grappling with that immeasurable weight. It helps, however, to remember that I really have a choice.

 

One can take the difficult path—the one of strength, of learning, of unreciprocated, unrequited love—or one can emerge from this ordeal a toxic, fuming, bitter and vindictive mess. Yes, it sucks that we have but these two options before us; but these are the cards we are dealt. Aldous Huxley once wrote in an essay that "experience is not what happens to a man; it is what a man does with what happens to him."

[mhowe]

"Letting go with love" is the only solution --- and of course, it has to be on the person who was left --- because the other person has let go already. For whatever their reason. No significant relationship can be forgotten in the course of a few months. What is important is what you take away from the time you had together...

 

Letting go with love is not a burden --- it is a gift you give yourself. Because you value what you once had w/ your other, and because you believe that the future holds promise. What ever declarations of love you heard in your past were just that -- declarations that were true at the time. They were not universal promises for the future.

 

I'm not saying love is transient. Because it need not be --- it can be enduring. But it takes work, commitment, trust and compassion. It takes being able to look at your relationship not only from your own point of view, but from the other side as well. And it takes both parties wanting to not only put in the time, energy and effort ---- but in truly seeing your partner for who and what they are ---in total. Not what you want them to be ---- who they are.

 

Love is a great gift. But you need to give it to yourself before you can pass it on.

[jolbell69]

Wow mhowe - you always inspire me with your words of wisdom. You say it perfectly and in a way I find impossible right now.

 

It certainly is a gift to let go with love, and I am proud of myself for being able to do it. Sure, I still feel fleeting moments of anger, resentment, denial, etc, but mainly I feel at peace. I love my ex and I accept his reasons for breaking up with me, even though it hurt like hell. I am happy knowing he loves me too, and that is why I let go (at this point in time) with love. I am actually at the stage of feeling like the break up is/was actually a good thing for BOTH of us because I have come so far in my personal development since it happened, and I am now aware that I can move forward in my life knowing that I AM happy with myself and I love myself, (probably for the first time in my life). I wish everyone here the same.

[Tired Tiger]

Hey popo - welcome.

 

Just a couple points...

 

I got dumped about more than 3 months ago...

 

First things first - lose the "dumped" word. It doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things. It's a negative connotation that only feeds a victim mentality. Stop.

 

Do you think it's the right thing to do if I send her

a gift/christmas card this coming christmas? or just simply text her a merry christmas? send her an email? What do you think?

 

The conventional wisdom would be no. If there's even a fraction of a percent of likelihood that there's any expectation at all from doing this - don't. The number of reconciliations facilitated by a Christmas card are about the same as those from a Facebook status update or drunken text. In other words... none. Doing nothing confirms your respect and prevents you from setting yourself back because of the likely unmet expectation.