It can happen if you really get your act together

[Tired Tiger]

I'll try to answer these from the 'possible reconciliation' perspective...

 

Need some advice from a different perspective.

 

-ex is with older guy that lives about an hour away

 

This may or may not be a temporary obsticle, but it's an obsticle none the less. In any case, you need to be invisible as long as she's with someone else - and for a period of time when she's not. You'll want to keep in mind that while you're working on yourself, she's not, as long as she's with someone else.

 

-sued ex over rent, she won

 

Ultimately completely meaningless. Let it go.

 

-decide to leave her alone, work on myself

 

Yes.

 

-ex asks mutual friend how I'm doing, friend tells her I've lost weight, got a job, new clothes, etc.

-ex ends conversation as so: "I miss my old apartment" Goes back to work.

 

Okay - these things are utterly meaningless in the grand scheme of things. Background static, at best. You need to keep working on getting to a point where you're so stable and confident with yourself that this kind of chatter passes right through you without a second thought.

 

If you (or anyone else) hasn't done so already, read every page of this thread. Then read it again!

[sgt pepper]

I'll try to answer these from the 'possible reconciliation' perspective...

 

 

 

This may or may not be a temporary obsticle, but it's an obsticle none the less. In any case, you need to be invisible as long as she's with someone else - and for a period of time when she's not. You'll want to keep in mind that while you're working on yourself, she's not, as long as she's with someone else.

 

 

 

Ultimately completely meaningless. Let it go.

 

 

 

Yes.

 

 

 

Okay - these things are utterly meaningless in the grand scheme of things. Background static, at best. You need to keep working on getting to a point where you're so stable and confident with yourself that this kind of chatter passes right through you without a second thought.

 

If you (or anyone else) hasn't done so already, read every page of this thread. Then read it again!

 

yeah I'm at the point where I am existing on just staying away from her and ignoring how great she pretends her life is. Whether that's good enough I don't know.

[sgt pepper]

I would take it at face value as of right now. Continue bettering yourself. This could definitely mean she is starting to miss you but since she is in another relationship I wouldn't do a thing about it. She was obviously weak to move right into a new relationship before she was actually over you. Realize that she is probably fighting with herself right now in her head and the best thing to do is to let her fight with herself. I know we want to jump in there and help make the "right decision" lol, but we need to remind ourselves that they need to fight there own battles and you should continue to fight yours. I know I need to be reminded of that. Its hard because we care for them still.

 

Now I agree with every word you saying, although that may be a bad indication for me but who knows.

 

While we were broken up the first time she only had interest in me wants the rebound inevitably had dents in his shining armor. But yes I'm avoiding her like the plague and don't want to be in her life even indirectly.

 

What's bad is I can say this: "it worked last time"

[Tired Tiger]

Seems like as good a time as any for a bump... especially for those who seek a positive path to acceptance and introspect. Take a step back from the deafening chatter of the negative one-trick ponies and allow yourself the food for thought that life and love aren't defined by acronyms and catch phrases.

[sage_1]

^^^If this were Facebook I would "like" this post.

 

Hi TT!!

[Nikki11]

Stop wasting valuable time sulking about something you have NO CONTROL over. You do have control over YOU

[Tired Tiger]

^^^If this were Facebook I would "like" this post.

 

If this were Facebook, then someone, somewhere would be posting on another message board asking what it is I really meant.

 

TT....you mean love and people aren't just binary equations?

 

Ah, but perhaps we are... with each one requiring it's own specific and unique formula...

[faith_8]

"That my partner left, I came to understand, meant I didn't have it together yet. Didn't matter that she didn't either. For a good long time, I believed that she had control over the situation because she was the one willing to walk away. But now I've seen different. She wanted that great relationship just as much as I did. Walking away was simply her best solution at the time for getting it. When I was finally able to validate her reality, that was what turned it around. And it didn't happen all at once. But I do see looking back that there was no other way for either of us once I changed.

 

Breaking up and moving on is the norm. I encourage you to go beyond the norm, even if it may seem at the moment that the choice isn't yours.

 

I believe it is."

 

Thank you for this. Your positivity is infectious to say the least.

[Lavender25]

So how long after your partner has left before you open the door and invite them to share? I'm sure there has to be a period that you let them have their space before you try to reconcile. And who does first contact?

[AutumnBorn]

Lavender, Marie Osmond remarried her first husband. It took them 26 years to get back together.

 

A friend of mine remarried her first husband 20 years after they divorced. (They weren't even in touch and rumor had it he was dead, but she never believed it, said she'd know if he was dead.)

 

Let's hope it doesn't take that long for everyone, if that's what they truly want, but I suppose sometimes it takes 20 years.

[Lavender25]

Lavender, Marie Osmond remarried her first husband. It took them 26 years to get back together.

 

A friend of mine remarried her first husband 20 years after they divorced. (They weren't even in touch and rumor had it he was dead, but she never believed it, said she'd know if he was dead.)

 

Let's hope it doesn't take that long for everyone, if that's what they truly want, but I suppose sometimes it takes 20 years.

 

You are going to have to PM me that one.

[illustriousemm]

This is so well put! Breakups are learning experiences and (usually) both sides are equally to "blame." However, blame isn't a word I like to use for breakups; Instead I like to think that both halves have growing to do and changes to make.

 

That doesn't mean that every couple who breaks up is meant to be (and vice versa), but the growth one has after a breakup is exponential. As it's been said, "What doesn't kill us makes us stronger."

[Tired Tiger]

So how long after your partner has left before you open the door and invite them to share? I'm sure there has to be a period that you let them have their space before you try to reconcile. And who does first contact?

 

The reason I recommended that you read this thread is because it contains little to no discussion about all this contact business. There seems to be an overwhelming and obsessive focus on that one particular subject, while the mechanics of the process and the necessary deeper insights fall by the wayside. I don't believe it was jasper's intention to be 'anti-NC', as it were, but to provoke more significant thought and perspective.

 

It's about seeing the forest for the trees.

 

Sorry I can't give you anything more specific to answer your question. I honestly don't give that subject the amount of importance as so many other things - which have been discussed with much thoughtfulness by so many in this thread.

[CMS]

I guess this should not be called "anit-NC" but instead "leaving them alone and work on yourselves". Because you are the only thing that you can control after BU as a dumpee.

[thisoneguy]

My girlfriend and I just broke up, both decided some separation would be best for us. Basically for the reasons you listed your relationship ended. She wants to be with me but right now she just can't due to the hurt she felt. We were both loyal and there were no lies.

 

I'm wondering what you did during your separation? Was there NC?

[Brownstone322]

My girlfriend and I just broke up, both decided some separation would be best for us. Basically for the reasons you listed your relationship ended. She wants to be with me but right now she just can't due to the hurt she felt. We were both loyal and there were no lies.

 

I'm wondering what you did during your separation? Was there NC?

I wrote that two years ago. There has been almost nothing but "NC" (exclusively so for the past 14 months).

 

What've I been doing? I've gone about my life. I finished a master's degree. I've done some career stuff. I got more serious about weight-lifting. I took up bicycling.

 

Did it make any difference? I have a different life that, on balance, I think is better. But did any of that make any difference as far as my broken relationship goes? Not that I can tell.

[Tired Tiger]

Did it make any difference? I have a different life that, on balance, I think is better. But did any of that make any difference as far as my broken relationship goes? Not that I can tell.

 

Well, isn't it safe to assume that those things weren't specific to any conscious "strategy" related to the relationship anyway? Still, you're in a more desirable position for whatever happens than, say, to go the other way (Nick Cage in "Leaving Las Vegas" comes to mind).

[tacs1895]

Oh boy. Just need a quick space to release, hope nobody minds me using this thread, I choose here just because I've found it to be a supportive space. I've read through this thread three times and it has been immensely helpful. I copied all the most bits that resonated me into one document so I can re-read them easily. I think there's so much stuff here that I agree with - but it can be so hard to put it into practice. Trying to let go with love is a real challenge, even though I believe it to be the right choice. After 12 weeks of no contact, I recently got in touch with my ex, because shortly we will be having to see each other regularly (weeklyish) again. I'm trying to enter into this new phase of "LC" (or whatever you want to call it) with the right spirit, but I can sense already that it's going to be hard to stay in the right frame of mind. I fear it may be too soon for me, I know there are still feelings of anger and resentment inside of me that I haven't got past. But the sacrifices I've had to make recently, in order to have space, have weighed really heavily on me, and I feel the need to attempt to reclaim parts of my life that I have been missing out on. This will also mean having to see my ex, and like I say, it may be too soon. But I need to try. Even just this evening, she has tested my patience by slightly disrespecting my request for space (at a specific event this evening, I left early to avoid seeing her earlier than planned). But I realised also that I may not have been all that clear in my request (she did what was making sense to her). Trying not to let this essentially minor issue cloud my thinking (particularly after the few drinks I've had tonight) before seeing her for a chat on Sunday, which was our original plan. Trying not to slip into the ways of unconstructive anger, resentment and devaluing. Trying to stick to the principles of improved communication and understanding.

 

I realise this is a slightly rambling post whose specifics may not make much sense. Just needed to get it out of my system, sorry to dilute the thread with my personal issues.

 

In an attempt to redeem this post by saying something more general - the attitudes expressed in this thread are so insightful and I recommend it to anyone... the ideas expressed are very hard to follow through... and I am struggling a lot with sticking to them at the moment... but that doesn't mean I'm any less convinced of their worth... even if I am currently filled with doubt about my own ability to see them through... I have to try, and not give up.

 

Good luck to all.

[NCforME]

In an attempt to redeem this post by saying something more general - the attitudes expressed in this thread are so insightful and I recommend it to anyone... the ideas expressed are very hard to follow through... and I am struggling a lot with sticking to them at the moment... but that doesn't mean I'm any less convinced of their worth... even if I am currently filled with doubt about my own ability to see them through... I have to try, and not give up.

 

Good luck to all.

 

Best strategy I can offer is to think about how you ex must have been feeling to act this way. Would you like feeling that way? Probably not because its an anxious feeling. You have to remove that push or anxiety thats now associated with them.

[Tired Tiger]

I think there's so much stuff here that I agree with - but it can be so hard to put it into practice. Trying to let go with love is a real challenge, even though I believe it to be the right choice.

 

...the ideas expressed are very hard to follow through... and I am struggling a lot with sticking to them at the moment... but that doesn't mean I'm any less convinced of their worth...

 

The path less travelled is rarely the easiest.

 

The natural, normal, human reaction to loss and/or rejection is filled with emotional extremes that take us to some very painful places. That's a given. Letting go with love doesn't mean we somehow ignore these things, it means we find our own ways to effectively deal with them in a productive and positive way. I know, that will sound to many like an oxymoron, but it's actually a conscious choice. All too often - and I've done it myself - that negativity becomes the defining ingredient to how someone lets go and "heals". I believe that to be something of a false premise over the long run, as it leads to a distorted perception of our own lives. Ever wonder how people become "bitter and jaded"? That's how.

 

There's something interesting that I've noticed over the time I've become more knowledgable about the whole topic of reconciliation - that, aside from my own experiences, every person I've conversed with about this who has been through the process (here and within my circle of family and friends) has a very specific and noticably different demeanor and attitude about the subject than what is most commonly presented (in other words, by those who have not been through it and are just speculating). Most notable is that of word association. The positive lexicon simply doesn't include words like "dumper, dumpee, fault", or "blame". These things don't coincide with acceptance and emotional maturity. They also have nothing to do with love - at least not as I understand the word.

 

Anyway, hang in there, tacs. Don't let the difficulty of the path dissuade you from travelling to a destination you believe is healthiest for you...

[Sim54]

I think something which people struggle with when talking about love, is the notion that love for another always includes love for oneself (at least healthy love does). So often when we think about love, it's always only about another, but it is truly impossible to love someone else if you don't already have love for oneself. When we focus on another to the exclusion of ourselves, then we effectively abandon ourselves and remove ourselves from the relationship (what ever that might be: lovers, friends, exe's, etc). It is that loss of self that causes the most pain, not the loss of the other. So, letting go with love doesn't mean feeling all gooey about your ex. You have every right to all your feelings, even in they're not justified. They're still your feelings and you ignore them at your peril. Letting go with love means allowing life to happen, to slowly release our iron grip on our expectations, to rage in private at our sense of injustice, then calm down and remind ourselves that everything is happening just as it should, to feel our feelings in a safe environment, and then let them go, and to always return to loving ourselves, and honouring ourselves. By doing so, then the love you still feel for your ex will continue to exist without stymieing your life. And you will slowly let go and move on.

 

But the sacrifices I've had to make recently, in order to have space, have weighed really heavily on me, and I feel the need to attempt to reclaim parts of my life that I have been missing out on.

 

Exactly my point. You have lost part of yourself, and that is causing you resentment. Reclaim your life, and your resentment towards your ex will evaporate, as you will be too busy living your life to get so angry with someone who is no longer in it, to the large part.

 

In case this all sounds really simplistic and easy for me to say, it has taken me over a year to reach this place of acceptance and love for myself and my ex. I have raged at her in private, wanted to ring and scream at her, have spent many hours in therapy ranting, and bargaining, and pleading with her and the world to give me what I want. But I never showed her one DROP of that. I dealt with it appropriately, and when I saw her randomly in the street after many months of silence we hugged and kissed each other in greeting.

 

I am not bitter, nor jaded and have got myself and my life back.

 

Don't fight your negative feelings, they are part of you, and you can no more cut off your leg cause you have a sore foot, than ignore and shut them out.

 

Peace.

[tacs1895]

Thanks for those responses, they're appreciated.

 

I know that reclaiming these parts of my life are important, which is why I feel I have to try. I don't want them to become a source of resentment. I don't expect reclaiming these things will completely remove the resentment, because there are also other reasons for those feelings existing. But it will help to be able to return to doing those things. As someone said much earlier in this thread:

"NEVER GIVE UP DOING THE THINGS THAT MAKE YOU HAPPY!!!. You will suffer for it in the long run. You can cut back on it a bit, but never give it up. You will regret and maybe indirectly harbor resentment if you do."

 

The question is - when is the right time? As has also been discussed in this thread, there is a need for detachment in order to process things, and this doesn't happen quickly. Before this week, I'd had just over two months of no contact. I'm not sure this has been enough for me. If the things I want to do were separate from seeing her, then I don't think I would have got in touch with her yet, I don't feel ready or good enough about myself. But part of what I need to do to feel better about myself involves the pressing need to reclaim these parts of my life - but as they will unavoidably involve seeing my ex also, I fear it will interfere with the detachment side of things. But I can already feel that if I were not to make the effort to reclaim things will lead to problems of resentment also, because I feel I need to do them. It's a catch 22. ](*,)

 

It would be so much simpler if our lives didn't overlap so much, I feel I would be able to focus on myself much more easily. But the fact of the matter is, in order to live my life as I want, and do the things I want to do, I will have to see her. It's unavoidable. So this needs to be done with the right frame of mind, with empathy and care. I hope I'm up to it. We will talk tomorrow, hopefully it will be constructive and calm.

[Sim54]

Can I ask what it is that involves her and you seeing each other?

[tacs1895]

We're both musicians. We play in a few ensembles together. As a musician, your social and professional lives overlap significantly - they're almost the same thing. Things like turning up to hear friends' gigs will often mean bumping into each other. We've already had a few near misses. For the most part, I've been avoiding going to things in order to avoid the risk. And I've temporarily left those ensembles that we both do. This has meant missing out on a lot of stuff - musical, social, professional, financial (this is how I make my living too). I can't turn my back on those things forever. It's not just as simple as "find a new hobby and make some new friends" (although I've done those things too). Music making informs my life. The music world is very small, and the nature of the scene means you can't guarantee to avoid seeing people, sometimes in very intimate and interactive situations. I'm also aware of small, but growing, feelings of resentment at being the one that's had to make all the sacrifices. Plus the simple fact that I just miss doing those things, especially at the time when I need to be doing them the most. Hence the need to try now to reclaim them. Is it too soon for me? I feel like it might be, but I have to try because I need to do those things for myself. I'm also hopeful that she will be understanding, if I can explain things in the right way, and that we can find a constructive way to manage the situation that works for both of us.

[Sim54]

Well, as far as I can see, it doesn't matter at all what she thinks about this, or whether she'll be understanding. It's your life, and you're free to do as you please. I doesn't sound like she's been accommodating of you.

 

I can see you dillema though. It is catch 22 of sorts, except that the reality of seeing her out will be less than the anticipation, and by facing this, and dealing with it in an adult fashion, it should move you along a bit, and help you heal some more. I say go for it. if you find you really can't handle it, then stop for a while longer, but don't hold off out of fear of what MIGHT happen, or if it will set you back. You'll know soon enough if it's damaging or not.