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Everything posted by NCforME

  1. I believe they are referring to Harville Hendrix "Getting the love you want"
  2. Yeah, I think I'm starting to get the process. Basically you should wait until you stop having those mood swings. Early on you have them 5 times a day. I'm at 6 months I now have 1 or 2 bad half days a week. Pretty soon I'm crossing my fingers I won't have any bad days (at least related to the ex). I've had to learn ways to get myself out of my own head and throwing a pity party. I've learned my mistake and I continue to re-learn my mistakes until they sink in. Only when I stop, I mean when I've gone a month maybe two with out relapsing so to speak, will I know I'll be ready to talk to my ex because she'll be then just another potential Mrs. NCforME. And, I will know any mistake I made will be meaningless because I will have the power of my full confidence back to not care what she thought about what I went through early on. As long as you don't go as far as getting a restraining order you can probably always come back. But it would certainly make it easier if you didn't test the limit.
  3. You dumped me and said we weren't right for each other but that I was your best friend. Now you are dating an under water construction worker. You left a guy who's about to have a Masters in electrical engineering for a guy who's only qualification he needs for his job is that he doesn't have heart condition, that's it. Where is this going to go? Is this the man of your dreams? Is he going to take you to the Guggenheim to see an exhibit on classicism like I did? Or is he going invite you over while him and his friends play Maddon and drink beers and reminisce how they played football in high school and that one time he did something "so crazy bro". You have a Masters degree, he has a 6 month training certificate. What stimulating conversations are you going to have with this man? Or does that not matter? Of course maybe you know this is going nowhere.
  4. I would disagree with this. There's an acceptable range. I'm probably not going to be happy with someone too far out of it. But, I would put curiosity above all else. That to me is the sexiest thing, even above just plain intelligence because intelligence with out it is a waste.
  5. Thanks theLastSong, you put a name to the theory. I'll have to read up on it. Power balance has a lot to do with it. Nobody wants to be able to think less of the person they are with. I think of my recent relationship failure like this. We liked all the same things, I mean it was uncanny. The problem was this though, we weighted our priorities too differently. For instance, we both thought studying for school and keeping a clean house were priorities. I just rated school well above cleaning, she saw them as about equal. She couldn't study until she cleaned first. I would wait until I wasn't busy to clean which sometimes was a week or more because I couldn't bring myself to waste my time with it until I had priority #1 out of the way. I'm trying to change that (to bring this a little bit back on topic to changing for the better). I've been making sure I increase some of those priorities that can kill a relationship. I realize nobody wants to be with a slob. I just started this line of thinking because it seems like my ex is with guy who she probably has no future with. He's easy to be with right now. But in 10 years will he want to sit at a cafe and talk about ideas while people watching. Something me and my ex did in the city. I think she just likes him now because he goes out a lot a parties something neither one of us got to do that last two years. I think he'll become boring to her in the long run.
  6. Yeah definitely, I mean life experience can really be a whole other education. Its rare but sometimes the most interesting people don't have degree's but they did a lot cool things in their life. Richard Branson only has a high school diploma but of course this is more rare. Ability to share interest is just about the biggest thing. I was speaking generally in the beginning that people who have very different backgrounds won't have as much to share. When looking to a SO we need to look at the ability to grow with that person. Can they be at the same level 30 years from now? Or do will our interests diverge quickly. Which most of this has more to do with curiosity I suppose. People with equal curiosity.
  7. Oh, silverbirch don't get me started on the prestigious university thing either. The truth is they are easier schools because they get coddled there. My dad went to Harvard. I chose a lowly top 10 state school for engineering. My Dad went to Harvard and he thinks often they are coddled as well. I have friend who went to Yale and said in his finance classes you had to work to get a C because the teacher gave everyone at least a B. My dad ran a chain of medical facilities, he would prefer hiring someone who was able to achieve from a lower starting point. It's intelligence and perseverance that makes someone. But thats off topic we're talking relationships here I guess. But to that point I guess I would say your ex didn't have to high a EQ.
  8. Haha...wow nick, you and me have similar situations. I wasn't married but I definitely started to resent her for not wanting to share interests and that's key. I mean when I look at my parents at first glance people could see them as opposites. In fact back to the education thing for a second my Dad had a masters and my mom didn't have BA until she was forty five. But, the image I have of my parents that defines their relationship is them sitting on our deck in the summer and our kitchen table in front of the fire in the winter talking politics, philosophy, religion and any other random topic. I guess I'm partial because that's the way I grew up but that's how I see a relationship is supposed to be. Two people even after 30 years of marriage are still having the same debates and discuss the same things. You can't grow together if you don't pick similar interests.
  9. Yeah, I think a lot of us on here are working on that emotional intelligence.
  10. Well Silverbirch, It doesn't really sound like you were dumber than your ex. It just sounds like he was more arrogant about it. But, I would say typically from relationships I see, if some one is smarter in the relationship it should probably be the guy. Not too many girls will stick with a guy who has rocks for brains very long. Unless they equivalently have rocks or pebbles for brains. There are three types of "smarts" as you put that I consider: intelligence, creativity, and emotional. I'm not saying that you have to be equal in all three but there also can't be a huge disparity in either. But again from what I've found when a women is too much smarter than the man it won't last long. That's why smart women always have a hard time in relationships because they will start to lose attraction to a man if she feels she is smarter than him. This is because if she is she'll end up feeling like his mother instead of his girlfriend. So, maybe that one women who HE considered his intellectual equal did not feel the same for him, which causeed things to be disastrous. Also you're right its not just about the degree. But, when someone doesn't chances are they won't share too many interest. For instance my ex loved art so we would go to exhibits. I could stand my own there but wasn't really my world but I understood it. It was her interest. When someone doesn't have much of an education they tend not to be able to share interests in as many things. Obviously this is a generalization but its pretty good one. From what I understand he's not the type to take her to the Guggenheim to see the and exhibit on neoclassicism. But then again sometimes there were problems in our relationship because not to sound too arrogant about it but I wished she was smarter sometimes. And she wished I would remember to tie my shoes haha.
  11. Haha....yeah your ex sounds like a definite pure rebound. If she said those things before there is no way that things have really changed. I agree with the education thing. I mean I would try to never pigeon whole people but typically I want some one who is on the same level as me. There's a difference in having fun right now and lining yourself up to grow with some one for 60 years. That requires a pretty deep connection.
  12. This is one point I think should be in bold! I definitely do the same thing. I tend to go after women who are not necessarily needy but I know have a strong ability to just become uninterested and just walk away. Girls who are less likely to work on a relationship. I see that now and certainly I will be changing my screening process myself.
  13. In my experience with friends and such it does seem to be true in about half of the cases. I'm sorry to hear that it has happened to you every time. My ex just started seeing someone 5 months after we ended. But they just met two weeks ago. Which to me, after a serious relationship still seems a bit quick. Personally I don't think it will last. I just think she did jump on the first acceptable guy. I mean not offend any blue collar workers but I can't imagine a girl with a Masters degree is going to find happiness with guy who does underwater construction. I mean it doesn't really reap of long term growth prospect for her. I think girls tend to move to guys that they don't have to worry about the future with in a rebound (subconsciously of course) and I know guys do that as well. We just call them friends with benefits instead of defining a shame relationship around it and fooling ourselves we would actually marry this person. I mean I have a fwb right now. While she is a fun girl to hang with we both realize we want completely different lives in the future so no need calling it a real relationship.
  14. I mean I do agree with you, guys do it as well. But, I think because of the media culture in the US and much of the western world women are at a disadvantage (divorce rate in japan ~ 1.5%). Men are sort of lucky because we grow with less expectation of what a relationship or marriage will bring. Women on the other hand have deep seeded expectations that they pin on relationships. That's most divorces are filed by women. Not that the man has no role. Its just frustrating battle because we have no expectations of how relationship should function (not good) and women tend to have to much (not good either). So we are left to meet in middle. Those who can, have fulfilling relationships. I think as parents to our future or current children we should make sure they do realize what a relationship really means. Many people smack their heads up against a brick wall trying to attain something that is unrealistic. I think too many people in our generation really are spoiled (men and women). I used to think the news was cynical towards our generation but the older I get and the more people I meet from it I realize we really are because I was raised as a very non spoiled person. To accept the faults of others and face your own. Too many people out there think they don't have to work for something special.
  15. If she offers up a feeling then go with it but I wouldn't bug her about it. BTW, it sound like you and me tacs had similar situations. My ex couldn't explain it either. She said we are best friends but that's it. This comment has been very common from women in break ups. Men seem to really have a hard time understanding it. The problem is many women especially younger women need to be in romantic relationships and all romantic relationships eventually end. At least in that honeymoon sense. Many women have a problem with this and they don't even see it. They just see that their attraction is gone so something must be wrong but truth is, its natural. That's where the work in successful relationship comes in, from that point you have to work on romance and communication.
  16. Al Turtle said something on Marriage Advocates that I thought was a perfect way to describe how you should go about thinking about love "My thought is that expectations get you nothing but trouble. Now, goals.... they can get you all sorts of places." --Al Turtle This reminds me its about finding that place we all want. Whether it be with our ex's or not. If we behave with the goal of finding "Vintage love", as he calls it, then we will be on the path to finding it. If the the ex turns out to be the best avenue then we follow it. If not then we walk a different road.
  17. Read through this website: link removed I think it would answer most of your questions. Its about not pushing. Don't bring up the relationship if you really want back in their life and don't even expect a relationship.
  18. I think the dumpee can initiate contact. I just wouldn't do it incessantly. Like maybe once a month unless they make a move to connect. This should also be after a period of no contact. You have to give the space. Most reconciliations I have noted on here and the ones I've seen have been in LC at some point. You do have to be very careful how you do it though. I don't by NC until they fall down on your door step begging. If you do make contact or if they do, you need to give clues that you are and willing to continue to work on the complaints because they will not trust you. After all they probably felt as if they have already asked you and you did not respond. So you have to drop clues that you are changing and maturing for the better. I think that's the best you can do and there are no guarantees.
  19. Also I would say communication is easy earlier on. Its when you get complacent people forget.
  20. Yeah, most of us are on the other end. We didn't listen. My ears were deaf. But I guess that's part of the point. It wasn't a compatibility issue so much as they haven't understood yet that they need to listen like your current girl. I didn't listen. So as long as we were getting along we were fine. When fights happened it got bad because we moved to LDR and I didn't listen. Even though we hardly fought. By the time I was willing to listen I guess she didn't believe me anymore.
  21. True, attraction shouldn't wear off in the first six months. The first six months of a relationship should be the honeymoon phase. I'm really just referring to LTR where attraction is bound to wear off at some point. Its about knowing how to get it back that is important.
  22. I actually agree with Mav a little bit on this. Except I won't agree Most are mistake but I do think many are. I think many break ups are from lack of "know how". For instance two of my friends who dated for 7 years broke up and 1.5 years later they got back together and they are still together 3 years later. What they learned in there time apart was communication. I heard this independently from both of them after my break up 4 months ago. If they had the foresight they could have potentially fixed these problems in the relationship if they knew how. There break up both of them would consider a mistake. But I would agree most of my friends who break up should just stay apart. Most should never get back. I think that's Mav's point. Sometimes you need to just stick out and learn because eventually you are probably going to have to. I mean if every girl you meet is better than the las why not break up with this one? There's better one around the corner. Plus you've only been dating her for 6 months. I don't know how long you really let you relationships go but you don't really get to know someone until a coupe years in.
  23. Actually, the funny thing is that she is the one who few days before said she wasn't coming. I guess she was too nervous to see me. She didn't decide to come until that morning. I was on my way when I found out she decided to actually come. It was fine though, the world didn't end. The story about the encounter is at the beginning of the thread I believe. She seems more nervous around me than I am of her. Obviously she still has feelings for me, however misconstrued they are lol.
  24. Haha... Thats an over simplification. Most weekends yes I hang with them with out her and she hangs out with them with out me. But for instance for memorial day weekend a friend from NY was in town and there was a bbq at a friends house. Her also being there was no reason to rearrange my life to do something fun. The account of what happened is at the beginning of this thread. But a quick synopsis is not much happened. It was pretty unremarkable. And no of course I would never put my friends in position to choose over me or her. That would make me not a very good friend. We all met each other at the same time in college and have been friends since. So neither me or her has "claim" to our group. But then I guess the big question is did it effect me? yeah maybe for like 2-3 days I was kind of questing things again but I am still only 3 months post BU. For the most part I've pretty much moved on as you may notice I haven't been on as much as I once was. But I've been checking in here and there. If I can manage I would really just prefer to be friends with her because it would make things like birthdays and events easier. In fact me, her and few other friends are running a 10 mile race in 2 weeks together, given this was set up over 3 months ago but none the less it will be fine. Thats why just respecting people for their humantiy is the bes way to get over someone. If you do that, you don't care if you have to see them or not.
  25. But then again relationships that end in marriage are rare. Many people don't work on there problems when they break up. Thats what leads to it. And I disagree with your first statement. Just read the post I quoted above by sunnz.
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